Still Struggling
by Red Willow
1
[reviews]
Still Struggling
All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon, ME, and all them other peeps, i'm just using them to make my own fun.
Feedback is always greatly appreciated!
***
I'm fully aware of my heart beating now. The quick thudding in my chest, my hands, my neck, just under my...
No! I think and turn around again, looking out the window at the dark shadows crossing the lawn. Looking out there, anywhere but in here, eyes darting, searching for a target that holds my attention, holds it longer than her... But my eyes drift to the faint reflection now staring at me. I study her soft features evident even now in the cold hard glass of my prison. I hurt for her. My hands clenching beside me I can't help but hurt for a touch that will never come, lips that I will never taste, or an ache that we'll never share. I close my eyes. This is not supposed to be happening. Oh but it is. You've got it bad girl.
I bring my hands to my face, covering my eyes, then slowly wiping away the beads of sweat that have formed on my brow. Go to her, I hear that familiar voice tell me. She wants you to, It taunts. NO! I shake my head, breaking up my own thoughts that torture me endlessly. I turn around again looking at her laying there in that bed, snug in her own little world of dreams I want so desperately to be apart of. I take her in, inch by sexy inch. Even my own eyes betray me. I'm finally able to look away as I sit on my own un-slept in bed across from her.
If only I could've just gone with her being a ghost for Halloween. But no, not me. Big bad Buffy had to try and talk her into wearing that little... getup... that little... those legs and that stomach... those boots... ...stop it!
I trace my gaze over her bare skin just visible enough in the predawn light. A bare arm that disappears at the elbow underneath her pillow where her hair spills in red locks of absolute perfect softness. I follow that arm up to the shoulder, where her short sleeve pajama shirt had been pushed up. Then down my eyes go over the soft fabric to her waist, where again, her shirt is askew and I sigh ever so lightly at the small patch of skin visible now directly above her waistline. Her left leg and arm are thrown around her comforter in sleep, innocently unaware of my eyes on her.
What I wouldn't give to mimic her position. I would wrap my leg and arm lovingly around her body, and bury my face in her hair. That hair. Oh, that beautiful head of red hair. I've smelled that hair. I've touched it, threading my fingers through it in wonderment at its softness, wanting to feel it slide across my face and body. Remaining silent however, among the safe shadows of friendship.
I was just braiding her hair.
I run a hand through my own hair, thanking all the gods I know must exist that she's not facing me. The urge to kiss those sweet lips would be too much to bear.
I should have kissed her.
Yes, that not so distant Halloween with those boots and skirt and that midriff, revealing her tight stomach...
Don't keep doing this to yourself!
I never noticed her before then. Mousy little Willow. My pal, sure, but come on. And then, there she was, standing in front of me, practically shaking with nervousness. I called her a dish and I meant it. I was wowed. And briefly, right before I heard the doorbell ring, I felt something that was familiar enough spread from my abdomen to my thighs and up, up to... and then... there are just no words to describe now much different that warmth was that time. Thank god for Xander!
Look what you've done to me. I can't stop thinking about you. Do you know how hard it is wanting to jump your best friend for two years? No. Of course you don't Will.
No, she doesn't know what it's been like struggling with these feelings. With everything that's happened with Angel and, and
Parker! What was I thinking?
She comforts me and I need it, but still, I respond more to her touch than my own feelings.
It hurt to the bone when Angel left; especially after all we went through. It hurt something awful. I felt like I couldn't breath. In all honesty though, it was her I mostly thought of. No matter how much I hurt over Angel, I sought comfort in Will's arms and that's where I felt safest. Yeah, I couldn't breath. I was hurting and helpless from losing Angel and I couldn't breath because I was so close to her. There I was, crying my eyes out, really hurting, but I was with her. I mean, we were really holding on to each other and all my senses became alive for a brief couple of moments before I slightly pulled back, reminding myself of why she was comforting me. I felt bad. Ashamed even.
But briefly, I felt her. All of her. I could smell her, and not just her soap or that great herbal shampoo she uses. No, I could smell her; that perfectly Willow smell. I heard her too. My ears were alive with the sounds of her heartbeat, her breathing, and her sighs of compassion. I think I loved her then. I mean, the full realization of who she was and what she meant to me. It was all so powerful, so intense.
So I buried it. Refused to acknowledge that kind of love could exist for me. Refused and let those lustful thoughts of plain geeky Willow get to me. Geeky Willow. I shake my head. That's just frustration talking, trying to talk myself out of my lust and love for my best friend.
Good try. It ain't gonna happen. I've been trying it myself.
Yeah, I buried those feelings, but they keep crawling out of the grave, because they never die.
And they never will.
Two years now I've been burying those feelings repeatedly. I keep on stuffing them away down deep inside me. I refuse to acknowledge how scared and angry I am when Willow is hurt as anything other than how I'm supposed to act as her friend. But the truth is, my passion runs much deeper. I play it so cool though. Played it just like Oz. Oz. I could kill him for hurting Willow like that. You have no idea how happy I was to throw him across the room and pump a tranquilizer dart into him when he tried to go after Will after munching on Veruca. That short enjoyment passed though when I saw that sweet face tear streaked and Will in agony. So I went to her like I always do. Always will.
But the pain that I could see in her face from what Oz, her beloved boyfriend and my friend, did to her pained me too. I could not, cannot face how much I love her and how much she felt, and still feels, so greatly for him and not me. There was no vampire to dust or an evil demon of the night to behead that would solve this and take away the pain for either of us. This was Oz. Sure he's a wolf three nights a month, but it's Oz. He's so different. So very aware of his own fear at what kind of harm he could cause people, cause Willow...
But he did hurt her didn't he? Yes, yes... and so have I... haven't I?
So I withdrew from her like I always do just when she needs me the most.
The truth is I'm scared. I'm weak ok. I've been struggling here for two years. And the truth is, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. She's in so much pain. I want to reach out to her, to connect with her heart, and wrap my slayer arms around her and hold her until all the pain and anger goes away. I don't trust myself around her though. When she needs me I run. When she wants to help me I don't want her to because I fear for her. She doesn't think I value our friendship-
Yeah, that fight at Halloween this year was a real blast wasn't it?
-but I do. Of course I do. I just don't trust myself to comfort her these days. I know I'll kiss her. I can feel it in my gut. I'll hold her and let her cry and feel miserable, and I'll run my hands through that gorgeous hair of hers and lean in for a kiss...
You'll lose her and you know it.
So you see why I run?
I get up again and walk across to her, my legs inches apart from her warm sleeping body.
You're so beautiful girl... I wish I could tell you... everything...
I begin to reach down, like I've done so many early mornings after slaying, and stop myself just short of the heat rising off her bare waist. I purse my lips, close my eyes, and turn away. She has no idea how long I've buried my true feelings for her. How many nights I've come in from dusting vamps and watched her sleep with this primal instinct to touch her, kiss her, confess everything to her in a wake of passion.
Like that'll ever happen... you're a fool Buffy. She can never love you like that. She likes boys remember? And you're supposed to too.
This has become a nightly ritual since she moved in. And each night I turn to the window wishing to be free from these restraints. I cannot find release in her arms. Yet I cannot leave here. Cannot leave her. I'll always be her friend, her best friend. If that means spending these lonely nights just before dawn looking at my Willow with trembling hands and a racing heart, trying to put out the fire that burns there-
And...
-for her, then I will.
I wipe a tear away from my cheek with a slightly trembling hand and crawl into my own bed, aware of the emptiness that has always been there and always will be as long as she's not.
***
I'm reeling.
How the hell is Willow into girls? When the hell did this happen and why didn't I get the memo? And she's into some girl I just met and don't know the first thing about.
It's not like you've been there for her dufus.
But, but I couldn't, I-...
My heart is racing and I'm trembling all over. I've been burying these feelings for years now and have been so ashamed of myself. I've been neglecting my best friend when she needed me the most because I was scared I'd make a move and... and now this?
Sit down and take a minute.
So I sit on the edge of my bed staring in shock at the wall across from me. How did this happen? She's supposed to like boys.
Oh? And by what law? You like both.
I don't want to talk about me. I can't believe what's happening here. This is not supposed to happen.
You say that a lot these days.
Once again I've lost. Just like I lost Angel.
You have Riley.
That same familiar voice taunts me.
Oh. Him.
I roll my eyes and stand up. I pace between Will's bed and mine. I don't love Riley. I don't even like him that much. He's like 'oh hi I'm mister military initiative guy and I've tagged 17.' Big Deal.
But you're sleeping with him.
Oh shut up already!
Will is the one I want. The only one I want. I sleep with Riley so I don't think about her.
I run my hands through my hair and close my eyes thinking about her as always because she never escapes me even with Riley. She is a part of me even if she doesn't know it. I sit down on her bed, picking up her pillow and holding it to my face. I inhale deeply, shuddering at that familiar Willow scent. She means everything to me. I need her so bad. I'm so unbearably in love with her that I literally ache with want for her. I miss her and I need her and I'm the one that drove her away.
She didn't leave.
Not yet. But she will. I've been the worst friend to her since Oz left and now I'm going to lose her forever.
Then tell her already!
Talk? Talk about feelings? Tell her how I'm feeling? About her? I shake my head in a definite no response and lay back on her bed.
Then you will lose her and you know it.
How did I go from a fear of losing her if I told her how I felt, to a fear of losing her if I didn't tell her?
Things constantly change Buffy.
Then I'll write her a letter. I'll just tell her that I love her and always have and want that sexy little body of hers....
That'll sound real good.
Okay. Okay. You see why this is so hard don't you? My feelings are perfectly clear and overwhelming in my heart. In translation though, they seem to lose all meaning and value. I sigh heavily, inhaling Willow scent again, and decide that I at least need to try. I'll leave it on her computer, she's sure to find it then.
I get off of the bed and head on over to Will's computer. I glance at the clock. She said she'd be back at 3:00 and it's about 2:20 now. I hope that's enough time.
All you have to do is tell her you love her.... HOW you love her.
Her computer is on, though the screen is black. I tap the keyboard as I slide into the desk chair. There is a folder open and I simply collapse the title bar to find her word program. Her word program is already running however, and what I see there shocks the hell out of me.
Do you see what I see?
Uh huh.
***
I woke with a start realizing that I had dreamt about her again. My shirt is damp from my sweat and there is a familiar throbbing between my legs. I threw my arm up over my head and sighed heavily before turning over to face her. She is so beautiful, especially in sleep when she is the least troubled. The early morning sun stretched its warmth across her bed highlighting her features and a smile traced across my lips briefly before I groaned at the nagging tension in my... I still can't think about this... I closed my eyes and held them shut thinking of anything but the rising raw need to be with her. To hold her and touch her deep inside while kissing soft moans into her mouth... OH God Oh Goddess, did I just write that?? The tension is stretching me in half but I feel like I can't move. I want to touch her, to run my fingers lightly over her stomach, to lean down and kiss her pouty pink lips. I'm so scared. I'm so weak with desire and passion and something... something else all too powerful that I fear I'll actually do it.
What a wonderful way to start the day huh? She is everything and more to me and she doesn't even know it. I can't leave. I am literally stuck in my tracks and in total awe of her. This is the only time I can watch her so closely. I can't be caught off guard with her awake. She reads me too well. She'd know I was checking her out. I can't help my feelings. I try to push them down far out of reach but they continue to plague me, and have so since we first met. I'm addicted now and how could I resist? She was actually nice to me. Hell, she saved my life. She saves my life over and over and the only things I know I want to do are to kiss her and hold her tight. She floods my thoughts. When I'm scared I call out to her. When I'm happy I share it with her. When I'm sad she comforts me and I comfort her... I guess you know where I'm headed with this. Best to leave it alone.
Tara's great. I really love hanging out with her and doing the witch thing. She's so sweet and powerful too. We could do so much together. I like being with her, I like having her as just mine, and the smoochies are great. But, the feelings aren't the same. Not by a long shot. There is this burning passion in me for Buffy that I don't think I will ever feel for anyone else. I love her so much it hurts. I think about her all the time and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. Now she's hanging out so much with Riley and I kind of feel left out. I know it's stupid but, I miss her.
I can't control these feelings anymore. I've tried. For years now I've tried. I've tried forgetting about my feelings for her and I ended up fooling around with Xander. Sure I'd always had a crush on him, but that was major frustration going on there. I've tried to be a good friend to her. I would give everything for her. I will be by her side as long as she needs me, but... I don't know how much longer I can hold all this inside. I'm dying here.
***
I sit back stunned at the blinking curser after those last three words.
Oh. My. God.
My mouth hangs open and I stare unblinking at the screen.
Now more than ever.
Huh? I'm still quite stunned to have just read one of Willow's journal entries, especially considering it was about me. How do two people stay best friends for almost 4 years, and both harbor feelings for the other, yet still never tell?
A smile spread wide across my face. I have to tell her.
Of course, now more than ever.