Still Struggling
by Red Willow
2
[reviews]
So I start my confession...
Willow, there are some things I have to tell you and it is extremely hard for me to tell you any of it. I know this isn't the best way to tell you but...
I begin pouring my heart out to her, typing for a few more moments when I hear the turn of the lock in the door and realize she's already back.
Oh Shit!
I jump in my chair, reaching for the mouse to close the letter. Instead I knock the mouse off the desk just as she opens the door. Her face brightens when she sees me and is near me in an instant with curious glances at the computer. I scramble for the mouse, which is dangling still beside the desk.
"Finally doing that paper huh?" She inquires, leaning over me and reading the last few lines just as I have time to click the close button.
But it's too late.
"Whoa." is all I hear as her body retreats from behind me. I close my eyes and fight the overwhelming urge to jump up and run out, never to return. Instead I just sit there, staring at the computer screen. I read what she must have read:
Will, I'm so in love with you that it physically hurts to be close to you and have to hold it in. It hurts worse though when I'm not near you, but I just don't trust myself with you. I know this comes as a great
The curser continues to blink, impatiently waiting for the next word, for the word that has now become the very tone of the room. I close my eyes shutting away the tears that threaten there. I'm scared to turn around. Scared of the reaction I'll get, what she'll say, how she'll look.
But you saw what she wrote.
But what if it's not me she was writing about?
Oh 'cause there are so many other Buffys running around she'd have the hots for?
Caught up in my own doubts and silent suffering I barely hear her sniffle. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill and swallow the large lump in my throat. A low groan from Willow followed by another set of sniffles. I'm desperate to make things right, to comfort her if she'll let me. It's been far too long since I did that. And now this was entirely my fault.
I stand up, slowly turning to face her. The sight of her rocking back and forth on her bed, head hung low in her hands, broke my heart.
"Will." I whisper, aware now that she might shut me out. I slowly step in front of her. No response.
I try again, kneeling in front of her this time, trying to gain her attention.
"Will..."
My own tears succeed at falling this time and I make no attempt to wipe them away. I place my hand on her knee and continue to look at red hair hung low.
Say something!
"Will, I... I..."
But I don't know what words to use.
Please, look at me Willow.
And she does. Slowly, fearfully, she lifts her head but she won't focus on me. Her eyes shift from me to her hands, to either side of me, not resting on anything in particular. I place my free hand on her other knee
What are you doing?
and she looks up, locking eyes with me finally. Her cheeks are flushed, streaked with her warm tears. We look at each other as I will her to accept my confession.
She reaches out to me, hesitating briefly before touching my cheek. Her touch is warm and loving. She wipes away my tears and I close my eyes leaning into her hand. She cups my cheek and we're silent for a few moments before she tucks a lock of fallen hair behind my ear. I look at her again. She smiles warmly, though plainly, there is apprehension in her eyes.
"D-did you mean it... what you... wr-rote?"
"Always." is all I can get out.
I'm breaking down now, crying heavily against her hand until I must lean forward in weakness. She allows me to lay my head in her lap and instinctively I wrap my arms around her waist. I cry hard, heaving heavy sighs of relief, trying to push out all the feelings I've kept hidden the past two lonely years all at once.
She strokes my back and runs her fingers through my hair.
It feels like I've been sobbing for a long time, but I know it has only been a few minutes. I look up shyly, questioning the thoughtful expression on her face.
"Will... do you...?" I start, but she stops my words with a soft touch from her finger to my lips. I just look at her. I think before she leans towards me and tentatively places her lips on mine.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
My breath hitches in my chest as she opens my mouth with her own. I let her explore with her lips and tongue, the new sensations now running through me, almost freezing me in front of her.
I feel her hesitate.
Kiss her damn you!
I move my hands to her hips, gripping her jeans, and pull her closer to me as my mouth finally unfreezes and I kiss her deeply. I explore her mouth with my tongue,
She tastes so good.
and she wraps her hands around my neck, gently sliding them up to my jaw line, pulling me closer. Shivers race up and down my body and I respond with renewed effort at the kiss I've been dreaming about for so long.
Finally!
I really can't believe this is finally happening.
The heat between us rises, swirling around us, consuming. We continue to kiss, holding on to each other as if our lives depended on it. I can feel how we've both wanted this like nothing we've longed for before. Our tongues and lips dance in rejoice at our confessions of love.
I pull her body towards me and she immediately wraps her legs around my waist. I slide my hands under her shirt and she giggles against our kiss as my fingers lightly trail her sides until I rest them in the warmth of her lower back, where goose bumps appear under my hands. We pull at each other's mouths, releasing moans of desire with the onslaught of energy.
God she's so hot!
Our kisses become too rushed though, too needy. I pull back slightly, needing a breather, hinting to her to slow down. I want to taste her fully again, slowly. I slide my tongue along her top lip, just inside her mouth, our tongues touch briefly almost teasingly, before I tug on her lower lip. Her legs tighten their grip around me as a low, almost guttural, moan arises through her and into my mouth. I tighten my own squeeze on her and as I tease her with tasty little kisses, I ask if this means yes...
"YES! Oh god yes..." she moans against my cheek as I move my mouth away from hers.
She slides her hands from my jaw line to the back of my head, threading her fingers through my hair. I lovingly kiss her cheek, tasting salty tears, as I make my way to her neck. Slowly, softly, I kiss along her jaw line until I'm just under her ear. She sighs and I smile knowing that this is both what we've been waiting for for so long. I hook my tongue under her earlobe, bringing it into my mouth briefly before grazing my teeth over it. She moans my name, releasing her hands from my entangled hair. The sound of my name said in desire coming from those soft lips , sends a familiar aching from deep down inside me, surging through my body, straight down until I feel flooded, opened with a need that only Willow can meet.
She moves one of her hands behind my head while sliding the other down my neck, my shoulder, down my chest, between my breasts where I think I am going to faint at the touch until I feel fingertips dance against my stomach just under my shirt. My own hands respond and slide up and over silky smoothness, curving and conforming to her heated sides, while I find her pulse point with my mouth. She gently licks my ear, breathing heavily against it as I practically bite her neck in excitement,
Been hanging out with those vamps a little too much haven't we?
my fingers teasing bare skin just under her breasts. Her own exploring hand finds the curve of my left breast where she trails her fingers across it. We moan in unison as they find my erect nipple.
Oh god let me die right now!
Every inch of my body tingles with wanton need. All I can do is practically dig my fingers into soft Willow skin, leaning against her neck and panting. The need has become so strong, I can feel it from her too. She wills my body to meld with hers as her legs tense in a rhythm around my waist, trying to pull me closer, though there is no more room between us.
I'm scared. I fear I'll hurt her I want her so bad. Embarrassed now. I've dreamt about this, fantasized and wished. But now I'm scared. Besides, what if I do something wrong?
Don't be a dufus. Just do what feels right.
But...
Sensing my apprehension, Willow pulls back from me gently, taking her hand out of my shirt. She takes my face in her hands and looks into my eyes. She smiles reassuringly but I only feel about a half an inch better though, because looking into her eyes and seeing the want, the need reflected there
Jump her!
all I want to do is make love to her.
No you don't.
No, I don't. I want hot, passionate, sheet ripping, screaming wild monkey love. But still I'm scared I'll hurt her.
She wraps her arms completely around me and I do the same, making her shiver as I again move my hands along that silky smooth goodness that is Willow's skin.
"I love you Buffy." She says at last and my heart melts.
She said it!
I sigh, letting out heaps of relief.
How could you doubt that?
It's true though, I had a few doubts left. Scared really. Just scared.
"I... I love you so much Will." I tell her and move one of her hands from around me to my chest. My heart continues to thud loudly and I know she can feel it. "So much... it hurts here."
She leans forward, brushing her lips against mine.
"I know..." is all she says before kissing me passionately again, our tongues dancing once more.
She breaks away after only a few moments and leans her forehead against my own. We stay like that for several moments. Everything is completely still, completely quiet, save for the steady rhythm of our hearts in unison.
"Buffy..."
My eyes open looking straight into her beautiful green ones. Eyes I've grown to adore, eyes I've dreamt were looking down on me as a small soft body lay draped over mine. Eyes I will always love.
"...can we...maybe...lay together... and just...talk?"
She was scared too, I could tell. Scared about what we were venturing into? Scared of the consequences?
No damnit! I want to...
She's right... we needed to talk no matter how much we wanted or needed each other. We needed to talk before we went and did something-
fun.. great.. exciting.. pleasurable.. what you've been wanting to do for like EVER???
-that we'd regret.
Damnit.
Placing my hand on her cheek, I smile and nod, not wanting her to be scared or worried about anything.
I can't believe you're going to talk.
We have to. Even if I do want to... No, talk first.
But...
Talk first!
So we lay on her bed, curled up next to each other with her head on my shoulder and my arm arms wrapped around her. Again we are silent for several moments, contemplating, before either of us speaks.
Go on, get this over with so you can get to the...
I don't know what to say.
I told you she wanted you though, didn't I?
I just close my eyes and try to clear my head, then I hear her sigh.
"Ok," She starts, absently moving her index finger just under my jaw line. The sensation does not help.
"First of all... I...I can't... believe this is happening... I mean... I... It's great... I just can't believe it's... really happening."
"I know." I say, stroking her shoulder, my eyes closed.
"How long?" she asks me.
"Huh?"
"H-how long have you...um... your loving me... I mean, how long have you...?"
"Oh..." I look at the top of her head since her face is still resting on my chest, and I comb my fingers through her red locks. "Honestly, I can't remember when I didn't."
And that's the truth... isn't it?
She pulls herself up a bit, propping on her elbow, and searches my face.
"Really? Y-you mean that?"
"Yeah..."
I glance at her, then past her a moment before locking my gaze with hers.
"I really do."
I watch her face as she processes my response, her eyes now focused on her hand drawing imaginary circles just above my heart. She's so beautiful. The way her eyebrows curve down a bit, the way her nose scrunches in concentration, those adorable dimples...
"Wow."
And that's all she says as that gorgeously adorable smile spreads across her face.
If I could make her smile like that for the rest of my life I'd be a happy little slayer.
I cup her cheek and stroke her lips with my thumb.
"Will, there's so much... so much I feel for you... I... I can't even put it all into words."
She kisses my thumb, closes her eyes, and nods.
"I know, me too." She looks down, a little embarrassed now I can tell, the heat rushing to her cheeks. "I think about you... sometimes... like... you know... with you... like..."
It's my turn to blush as she lays her head back on my chest, wrapping her arm around me.
"Like... wild monkey love?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood that's gotten a little too tense.
She starts to giggle and I know I've succeeded.
"Something like that. Kind of like... what we were... um... seemed to be... getting to... a few minutes ago..."
She nuzzles me a bit, bringing her leg up over mine.
"I...uh... I really want to do that... with you Will." She only nods so I continue with, "I think about you... like all the time. I even watch you... when you're... sleeping... sometimes..."
Great, now she's gonna think you're a freak.
"S-sometimes... in the morning, I do too... watch you sleep I mean."
Or maybe not.
We're quiet for a few moments. I inhale the scent of her shampoo as I lean forward slightly to kiss the top of her head.
"Buffy?"
Now my name finally has meaning. She raises herself up on her elbow again, but she doesn't look at me, just down at my chest again, probably tracing the pattern of my shirt.
"Yeah?"
"What are we... doing? I-I mean... are we... will we... I mean... how...?"
I smile and kiss her forehead. She's so cute she doesn't even know it.
"Will, all I know is that I love you. That I feel like I go out there every night to make sure the world is safer for you to live in. I've done this now... I don't even think about why really... because I know it's for you. I do this because it's my job and because I love you and I always thought that no matter what... no matter if I ever told you how I felt... about you... that I'd still be going out there and fighting those bad guys... for you."
I pause for a moment, choosing my words.
"You fill my dreams, my thoughts, I can't get you out of my mind. And, I mean... ya know... in *that* way too... believe me I've tried... I tried for a long time. But I can't... I love you so much it hurts to breath... but, in a good way. I want to not be able to breath... or um... something... um... anyway... I want to be with you Will. I don't know much for sure these days, but... I know I want to be with you... I know that for sure."
"Geeze Buffy..."
She looks up at me again, her hair falling in her face. I tuck her locks behind her ear so I can see the soft features of her face. I want to wake up next to this face the rest of my life.
"That's so... so... wow..."
She becomes totally serious all of a sudden, piercing me with those green eyes.
"Buffy... you're so beautiful." I blush all over. "A-and I want to too.. be with you. I have forever... or I-I mean since I met you anyway.."
"Since you met me?"
Really??
"W-well yeah, I mean... you were so... well uh... you were kinda hot there Buff... a-and you were nice to me..."
She sighs rolling her eyes, remembering Cordelia and her minions no doubt.
"I mean... not like anyone else... well, Xander. But. A-and you saved my life... a-and that's always a plus!"
She squeaks this last part out, then pauses, processing her thoughts in that busy little head of hers. I just hold her tighter, aware that we could have had several happy years together if one of us wasn't so chicken. Then she puts her head on my shoulder, but I can still tell she's looking up at me and I just close my eyes, listening in amazement.
"I mean it's not like I really knew how I felt... not exactly... ok so I was like... whoa... Buffy's pretty cute... but... Oh! and that whole thing with my vampire self... kind of totally freaked me out..."
I smile, about to interject something here but she keeps on going.
"But... I... I just knew I wanted to be around you, be your friend... a-and just be with you I guess. I never really considered what all that meant I guess... I mean... not really. Three years of just wanting to be around you. Thinking about you... aargh..."
She runs her hand through her hair a couple of times before placing it on my heart.
"There was this... energy or something Buffy... between us, some connection of some kind when..."
But I cut her off because I know exactly what she's talking about.
"When Angel left?"
She looks at me amazed I know.
"Yeah... Buffy, how did you know...?"
"I felt it too. I... I don't know... maybe it was because my emotions were running so high... or..."
I shake my head remembering how much it hurt when Angel left, but how... happy I was... to be in Willow's arms.
Maybe it was just about time.
"...or maybe it was just because we were so close..." I continue, "I don't know... but I felt this... I can't explain it, like everything just... came together, and made sense... all I felt was you..."
"Me too..."
"But then it didn't make sense, ya know? A-and I tried to deny what I felt, and I guess I tried to forget it, but... I guess you can only do that for so long..."
"Before you just can't anymore?"
"Yeah. Like now, sometimes my feelings and... uh... cravings...
Nice word.
It's just all so overwhelming sometimes..."
"I know what you mean..."
"Especially since... well I mean... I kind of had a thing for you since... remember when Ethan Rayne turned us into our costumes?"
"How could I forget... but Buffy... I was a ghost and you... you didn't even know you were the slayer..."
She looks at me questioningly and I just smile and nod.
"But before you put on that stupid ghost sheet..."
"Oh... really?" She responds and brightens a little, getting it now.
"Mm Hmm..." I'm blushing again.
My secret's out.
She pushes up again and meets my lips with hers. We kiss at length this time, exploring each other deeply.
I can definitely get used to this.
She gently nudges her thigh into my crotch and I moan into her mouth, grabbing her around the waist. This is what I want. This is what I've wanted for so long now. To kiss Willow, feel her on top of me, moving against me. To feel that soft scented red hair of hers on my face. I'm so alive right now. More alive than I've ever been.
Yes, finally!
But again, she breaks away, and just looks down at me.
"I want you Buffy. I really really want you."
And...?
There is an ache in her voice I can definitely relate to. I nod vigorously, letting her know I'm with her on that one. She just looks at me, her resolve face on.
"Really... really want you." Uh-oh, she's struggling.
"But...?" I ask fearful of the answer.
"But I can't do this with you until I know some stuff..."
"Know some stuff... like what?!"
Uh oh, desperation.. not a good thing.
I close my eyes and try to control myself. I roll her off of me so that we're both on our sides now. I put my hand on her waist where her shirt has come up just a little.
Oh yeah, you've been wanting to do that...
"Ok... no more kissing, no more groping. No more nothing... until all your questions are asked and I've answered them all. Ok?" I ask her firmly.
She nods, pouting just the tiniest bit, but it's still enough for me to want to tug on it with my teeth...
NO NO NO NO NO ...control.
"Ok."
"Good. Because I'm telling you right now, I really... really really really... really don't know how much longer I can hold out here."
I hate sounding like some sex-starved lunatic, but she's all sexy and Willowy and we're actually touching and kissing and touching and... and...
Stop it!
I take a deep breath and look at her looking at me. She's got this cute expression on her face.
"W-what?" I ask.
"It's just that... you're so... cute... when you're... ya know... horny..." she smiles brightly, her face red.
I purse my lips and nod, "And you're not?"
I trail my index finger up her side that's exposed and down her stomach towards the bed. She closes her eyes and catches her breath. I'm reassured-
Did you have any doubts?
-by that look of pleasure.
"I thought so." I say after a moment. "Now... what else do you want to get squared away before you'll let me rip your clothes off?"
I am totally serious yet she laughs.
"Well..." She starts, touching my hand with her fingers, drawing little imaginary circles there like the ones she was drawing around my heart a few minutes ago. "What about Riley?"
Oh, him.
You knew that was coming... yesterday you wouldn't have had to explain anything.
But this is good. Assess the situation.
"I don't love him if that's what you're asking."
"Oh well... um... it's just that... I mean like, you've been... Riley, 24/7 lately, ya know?"
"Will..."
I entwine my fingers with hers.
"Look, I'm sorry I haven't been here for you... especially right after Oz left... a-and obviously you were... going through something huge... with uh... I mean... Tara..."
She looks down between us.
"I-it's... ok..."
"No! No it's not ok Will."
She looks up at me surprised by my flare of emotion.
"You needed me and I totally wasn't here... I like... totally baled on you."
I take a deep breath, letting the air out slowly.
"The truth is, I haven't been around much because of... my feelings for you. I was scared that... that I wouldn't hold out... that I'd be like, all comfort Buffy a-and I'd like kiss you or something. I was way scared of... scaring you... of losing you. B-but I mean, obviously, I didn't know how you felt... or that, you were even, into girls... like, at all."
"I know it was a shock..."
She's stroking the top of my thumb with hers.
"It was a shock to me too actually." She continued. "I-I mean, not so much that I liked girls... 'cause uh... hello... huge in love with Buffy thing going on here... b-but I guess it kind of shocked me that... I would give in... to... stuff?"
"Give in?"
Now I'm really paying attention.
Is she saying what I think she's saying?
Please Willow. Don't tell me you've slept with Tara.
"She's really nice and I could can really talk to her. We've got a lot of things in common... I guess we... just kind of connected. It really wasn't anything I was looking for..."
"Oh..." I trail off my eyes moving very much downward.
You waited too long...
I guess she realized what I was thinking because immediately she jumped at explaining.
"Oh! No! No, Buffy i-it's nothing like that... I mean... magick..."
"Huh?"
"Magically... I mean... Tara and me... me and Tara... we connected like, because we're witches. She's really powerful... a-and I guess, I mean, there's attraction there... yes... I admit that... and she's really cool to talk to... but... I mean... it doesn't compare... I mean like... at all."
Okay, still not sure.
"So you've... I mean, you guys..."
Oh please! She has a right... HELLO... you're boffing Riley every chance you get!
Please, say no...
"Oh...well, no... not like... ya know, all the way or anything... but we've... ya know... fooled around... definite smoochies..."
"Ohh..." I say a little bit more relieved.
I can handle kissing. I think.
"Are you upset?"
Oh god, there is unmistakable concern and fear in her voice. I look at her face and she's really worried. I draw my hand from under hers and bring it to her face, stroking her cheek.
"Oh Will... no, no definitely not.
Liar
It's just that... the thought of you with anyone else... I-t's always kind of tortured me..."
"Even Oz...?
"Especially Oz."
"Why?"
"Because I saw how much you adored him, and it wasn't me..."
You don't think she feels the same way...?
"Oh..."
She leans up and kisses me lightly on the lips, deliberately breaking our no touching/no kissing rule. But hey, I don't really mind. Again that tingly sensation all over my body. I am fully aware that I want every inch of Willow's naked body against mine.
"Well... I-I guess that's how I've been kinda feeling about you and Riley. O-only I'm kinda like... thoughtgirl... I have to think about everything, process... I just figured... well... as long as you were happy..."
"But I'm not Will. I get off with Riley to try to get you out of my head... but it doesn't work. I always think about you... even when we're... I mean... when Riley and I... are..."
But I can't finish.
Yup, freak-O.
She doesn't say anything, just lies there mulling over my words. She puts her hand on my stomach, rubbing it softly with the back of her hand.
"Buffy, if we... I mean if you still want to... with me... are you... I mean, will you see Riley again?"
My eyes shoot to her face. She really thinks I would? And yes, she does. The concern is deeply rooted on her face, in her eyes.
Tell her no! Call that prick right now and tell him to...
Tell him I'm in love with my best friend?
Or run and hide from the world and tell him it's not him it's you. You need some space... yadda yadda yadda....
Whatever. Of course I'm not going to see him again.
"No."
I lean closer to her, wrapping my arm around her side. I kiss her forehead and look into deep green pools of worry.
"Please don't be scared Will... I want to be with you. I want to make love to you right now. And I want to be... with you... like in a... relationship? I mean... if you want to."
She only nods, continuing to study my eyes.
"I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Riley is the least of your concerns Will. I promise. He... he's a nice guy... but he means nothing to me."
Now I see it finally, some reassurance flooding back into those enticing eyes.
"I love you Willow, you mean everything in the world to me. I would never hurt you... again... or let anyone else hurt you."
"I know." She says warmly, wrapping her arm around me this time, pulling me a little closer.
"Now... what about Tara?"
She scrunches up her face, worried.
"I don't want to hurt anyone Buffy."
"I know Will... but..."
"But I want to be with you. Completely. A-and if that means hurting Tara..."
But she doesn't finish because she doesn't like the idea of hurting anyone, or at least anyone as nice as Tara seems to be. But that's my Will, part of why I love her so much. Always thinking of others.
"I'll just tell her... the truth I guess. She'll understand... I think... I hope. I just hope she still wants to be friends though. She really is pretty cool to hang out with... a-and the whole magic thing."
"She seems pretty nice."
"She really is Buff. I think you'd really like her... if... once you... ya know, got to know her better."
"You've got a pretty good taste in people, I'm sure I will."
We smile, gazing into each other's eyes for a few moments before she leans forward and kisses me with more passion and emotion than I ever thought could exist.
She gasps, wrapping her leg over my hip. We turn so that I'm on my back and she's practically straddling me, kissing deeply again, her hands planted on either side of me.
"So..." I say, sliding my hands up her sides. "Does this mean we're through with talking?"
"Uh huh..." She says very sexily and I become a body of tingles.
Finally!!