Still Struggling
by Red Willow
4
[reviews]
How is it that everything which seems so complicated, so difficult to understand and deal with, can come crashing apart leaving only clarity and complete understanding... only to be wound back up again into a jumble of badness?
I have to think about what's important to me. What my priorities are. Slaying, that's definitely up there... Chosen One and all. School. Well, I mean, it's a good thing, to pass, I mean. Graduate. But in the whole scheme of things, what does a degree mean for the Slayer? Will it help me kill vampires and demons and all those eeky ooglies that come out to cause the end of the world? Nope. Priorities. Family and Friends. Saving the world so that they can keep on living. Mom and the scoobies. The scoobies... Willow.
She is my one light at the end of the tunnel. When I'm lost she finds me. When I need comfort she hold me. She loves without question. Loves me. Yes, she loves me and I love her, and there are no doubts now. Only us. Willow. Willow and Buffy. Willow and Buffy together. Willow and...
"Buffy?"
"I-I think she's c-coming around."
"I just don't understand what the hell happened between yesterday and today!"
"Would you shut up! Buffy? Buffy, it's Willow... do you hear me?
"W-will?" I'm finally able to get out, realizing that I'm not standing up anymore.
"Hey... are you... ok?" She asks.
I'm slowly becoming aware of my surroundings. Willow holding my head, Tara standing behind her, concerned, though she must still be furious, and off to my left, a still ranting and raving Riley. I don't pay attention to him though. I hear words, cruel, accusatory, angry words. But they mean nothing to me.
"Willow..." I whisper.
It's all I can get out though, because I'm lost in those eyes.
"M-maybe you should put her in y-your room." Suggests Tara.
I shake my head, raising myself up while holding onto Willow for support.
"I... I'm ok. I just, I..."
"Fainted... I-I think you... fainted." Willow finishes, leading me to my still made bed.
Everyone's quiet now, even Riley. I can sense however, the tension, the unanswered questions, and blazing glares. My head clears and slowly I look up at 3 faces, each casting conflicting emotions.
"I guess we have some explaining to do... huh?" I finally ask..
"You bet your ass you do!" Growls Riley, glaring at me before looking Willow up and down in utter disgust.
Yyes. Yes, you certainly do.
The tension in the room is unbearable, like rubber bands stretched to their limits, about to break. If only I could stand up and step out of my body. Scream from the top of my lungs, shattering the scene playing out before me, making it all go away. To leave me and Willow together, alone again, without the angry judgment staring at us from pained and confused eyes.
Even I'm not that powerful. I'm trapped, our infidelity still evident on this body, wrapped in a sheet of embarrassment and guilt. Actions and consequences. I vaguely remember learning about those once. Never so terrible was an enemy to face, than one made from your own choices. Choices I make. Selfish and dumb decisions leading to irreparable damages.
But it was your only choice.
The consequences of which-
Brought you together.
-have made this mess.
Someone always gets hurt.
And how do we clean it up?
Same way you do everything.
Together.
There is no time for embarrassment and guilt. There is no time for sorrys and explanations. There is only truth. The truth of a love I've felt for far too long to just deny now. Will didn't deny it. She came right out and told Tara the truth.
Came right out.
So, that's what this is all about.
No it isn't. Well, maybe. I see the revulsion in Riley's eyes as he looks from me to Willow.
And that poster he helped hang up?
It's okay as long as it's not his girlfriend? I don't know! There are a lot of things I don't know.
Time is running short. seconds tick tock while you ponder.
I have to stop caring, and act. I'm action girl. I can do this. I have to.
"... your ass you do!"
I stand up quickly, determined to go through with this as painlessly as possible, well for me anyway.
"Riley..." I start, but am interrupted by Tara.
"I-I better go..." Tara squeaks out, trying to slip by Riley.
He sidesteps and blocks her way, leaving her to look down, unsure of what to do.
"No one is leaving until I get some answers, and that means you too." He states angrily, pointing a finger at the shy girl.
"H-hey... don't talk to her like that!" Shouts Willow, taking a step in their direction.
"I'll talk however I..."
"Hey!" I shout, and, mindful of my strength, push Riley back a few steps before he has a chance to advance any further towards Willow.
"I know you're angry Riley. But, just... calm... down."
I'm trying to be as firm in my instruction as possible without letting my own fear show. I'm not sure I like how this situation is rapidly turning out. Riley and I glare at each other, a mere few feet apart. Behind me I hear Willow attempting to talk to Tara again.
"Tara... I'm really sorry... I-I wish I could have..."
"Calm Down?!" Riley shoots at me.
"... told you... I-I never wanted to... never intended to... hurt you..."
"How the hell do you..."
"I-I didn't... know... never expected..."
"... expect me to calm down?!"
"...this to happen..."
"I'm sure it just happened." Offers Riley sardonically.
I continue to glare at him, saying, "Riley, it's over. I... I'm..."
"W-what? Over?" he practically growls.
I'm suddenly caught off guard as he grabs both of my shoulders with his big bulky hands, squeezing them hard. I just look at him, aware that I could send him through the door with one good kick to the chest.
"Buffy..." I hear Willow yelp.
"Don't..." is all I say in response, and she stays, knowing I can take care of myself. "Yes, over. I don't want to see you any more. I... I was just... using you. I don't love you. I... I'm in... in... in love with... Willow."
Oh my god you actually said it... out loud... to someone else!
"W-w-were you... using me?" I hear Tara softly ask Willow.
"Oh! No! No, no, no... a-absolutely not... I really, really like you... I..."
But Riley's response to my rejection of him drowns the rest of what she's telling Tara out.
"You bitch!" he yells down at me, bending his body further towards mine until our faces are only a few inches apart.
I let him get no further however, as I break free of his hold and slam both of my hands against his chest, sending him reeling backwards until he slams against the door.
"Get out." I tell him firmly.
I'm done with this. I'm tired and I feel wrecked. I just want all of this over with. I know he's angry and confused, and that I betrayed him. If anyone deserves to get her ass kicked it's me. Right now though, I feel like I'm on full emotional overload and if he doesn't leave with my cruel explanation in hand, then I honestly don't know what will come next.
"Fine." he says through clenched teeth, working his jaw muscles.
He takes the sight of me, Willow, and Tara in one last time before turning abruptly, opening the door, and walking through it without closing it.
"... wish I knew what else to say... some... way... to... help..."
I turn to Willow and Tara as I realize Willow is still trying to talk to Tara. I simply stand here, very quiet, witnessing an affection, and maybe even a love cross between the two witches.
"Y-you have to be... w-w-with the one you... love." says Tara softly, tears beginning their decent down her cheeks.
She extends her hand to Willow's upper arm, resting it there, absently toying with the fabric of the blanket.
Willow turns slightly, eyeing me, a smile curling her lips.
"I am." she finally says turning back to Tara. She places her hand on Tara's elbow. "I-I'm sorry." she finishes in a low, weary voice.
"W-willow, I need some time to... b-but... I'd still like to be... friends."
"A-Oh... yeah... th-that's not even... of course!" Willow responds to this good news happily.
I sit down on my bed, pulling the sheet tighter around me, and watch the two friends part. Tara wipes tears away from her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, before heading for the door. She glances at me, a hurt, mournful look etched into her features. She heads through the doorway and down the hall.
I make my way to the door where, closing it, I press myself up against the cool dark wood, taking a moment to gather my thoughts before turning around.
"Willow..." I say softly, her name like a whisper caught on my lips.
She turns toward me slowly, dragging the blanket behind her, her tears running freely. She's looking at me for assurance that everything will be all right. That time will heal all wounds and that we made the right choice. She's looking to me for guidance, for a nod, a hug, anything to ease the pain, anything to convince her that we'll walk away from this. And of course we will. I smile. Not a mouthy, happy smile. Instead, a soft, warm smile to help calm her fears. I extend one arm out to her and we come together, wrapping our arms around each other, never minding that our "clothing" could fall away at any moment.
There is no one else here. Nothing else matters at this moment but us. Time and place have no meaning. We've experienced this before and I am certain we will again every time we find ourselves lost in each other's eyes with the knowledge that nothing has been hidden, that our love for each other is mirrored and reflected in those eyes
and reverberate through the touch of our fingertips, our lips, and our steady heartbeats in deep sleep while lying
curve to curve. I have new meaning for my life now, and I see it stretched out before me with Willow by my side.
Just like it's supposed to be, right kid?
Willow sighs heavily, laying her head on my shoulder.
"I love you Buffy."
I tighten my arms around her, pulling her closer.
"I love you too Willow, always have... always will."
"Mmm... you think so?"
"Know so."
"I think so too."
We stay like that for a few moments, enjoying the warmth of each other's touch and the silence that gently stretches itself around us in a comforting embrace.
Ya know, I feel bad for Riley. I thought it would be funny to shock and destroy him like that. After all, I never did like him very much and he could be such a jerk. But, I feel bad now. I kind of wish things hadn't transpired quite like they had. Funny how it felt like forever, but in actuality, only a fraction of an hour. So much can change in a small space in time. So much has changed since yesterday afternoon. Since we woke up... what? Not even a few hours ago? So much has changed. And poor Tara. The expression on her face as the realization of what she was looking at hit her... I can tell by looking at her, the way she acted, there's a love there for Willow. I fear that that face will haunt me. I only pray they will remain friends. There's something strong there. Even I can see that.
Lost in thoughts again.
If only you had half the knack for speech as you do for thinking...
I shake my head clear, pulling away from Willow. We look at each other, sad for the hurt we caused mixed with an overpowering joy to finally be with each other.
In all the time you've known each other, you looked for love in other places, while all along, here it was between you. Both of you too scared to admit it, both of you too ignorant to see anything in the eyes of the other.
Yep, that about explains it.
I kiss her softly, my lips hardly meeting her at all.
Smiling, I say, "Well..."
"Yeah..." she responds.
Again we don't say anything, just stand there. I think we're still a little shocked. What if we wake up tomorrow and none of this has happened.
Don't be a moron... it wasn't a dream before... it's not a dream now.
This shouldn't have happened the way it did. I wish I could fixit. Change this afternoon.
You're really good at this torturing yourself deal, aren't you?
Well...
You can't change it. Just move on. You're finally with her.
Just move on.
"I-I need a... shower." Willow tells me, looking down at herself and stirring me out of my insistent thoughts.
"Definitely." I agree.
"Clean... clean's a good thing."
"Yep."
But still, we don't move far from each other, scared we will lose the other half of us maybe,
or scared of what awaits us outside this room. Maybe just a little scared in general. Our whole world has changed. We play different roles. Fit into different categories. There are different expectations and fears. I'm confident however, that these changes are for the better, for both
of us.
"Hey, you a little scared, Will?" I ask her, addressing my own concerns.
I tentatively place a hand on her cheek and she leans into the touch.
"I... mm-maybe... I don't know. Not... scared... so much... as... worried. A-and I feel... kinda bad... for Tara."
"I know." I tell her.
"I-I just didn't want to... hurt her... ya know?
I nod, closing my eyes. Neither did I
She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me again, but keeping her eyes locked on mine.
"But... I-I wouldn't trade it... for... ya know... this... I mean... us."
I let a smile dance across my lips, feeling slightly aroused, despite the events of the past afternoon.
"I think I know what would make us... feel better." I say slyly.
Hint, hint.
"Mmmm... shower!" She beams.
"Uh!"
Ha ha ha...
"Yes... definitely there is that. But besides showers..."
I just smile at her.
"Mochas?!" Her eyes go wide, staring at me lovingly.
She makes the cutest faces! So, although
I have something a little different in mind, I'm forced to forgive her, but just this once.
Besides, it would probably be a good idea to get out of here for a little while. Experience the remains of the day in a whole new light, so to speak.
"Exactly." I agree finally.
Nodding my head just once for emphasis, I spin around and head for my closet to retrieve my shower bag and robe. She does the same with a bright smile stretched across her face. I think she just played me. I think she knows what I was talking about all along. I shrug, smiling at the new life I'm ready to live... with her.
And so I know everything will be okay. This is how it is. How it's supposed to be. Me and Willow, together. Grabbing Mochas and walking around town, talking, just like we've always done. Except, maybe now, we'll steal an occasional kiss, brush a hand across another under the table,
and not be scared to admire each other. We won't deny the passion that rises between us. We'll come home and sleep in beds that won't be empty, curled up and safe in the warmth of each other's arms.
And we'll no longer have dreams about what we long to have. Starting now, the dreams are over. Starting now, we start living...
The End.