Filling in the Gaps
by Red Willow
4
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"I'm sorry." I told her, my voice soft.
"Huh?" She turned to me, catching my chin with her fingers. "What for?"
"For..." I shook my head. "For needing you so bad." I shrugged, it sounded stupid when I said it.
Buffy turned me toward her and kissed me softly, barely tugging on my bottom lip before pulling away again.
"I'm not." She smiled sweetly. "I love making you feel good... I don't care where we are."
"We could've been seen." I pointed out. "We should've gone home, that's what you wanted anyway." I rested my head on her chest again, letting her run her fingers through my hair.
"We can still have fun at home." She giggled and I knew I'd be up for it again when we got there. "I'm totally ready for... whatever."
I pulled back and looked at her.
"Oh gosh, Buffy... I'm such a dingbat..."
"Huh?"
"You must be all..." I ran my hand up her thigh, letting it rest between her legs. "...worked up." I finished grinning.
"Ohh..." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "Yeah... but... I kind of had my own... um... release?" She blushed.
"Really?" I was stunned, I had no idea.
She nodded. "Just being up against you like that... kind of... uh..."
"Oh..." I kissed her cheek. "Still though... I know how easily you Slayers get worked up..." I joked.
"Hey! What do you know about other Slayers?"
"Hmmm... only what you tell me..." I licked my lips and looked in her eyes.
She watched my tongue, following the pattern on her own lips.
"Just imagine what I'd be like if I had to slay something tonight." Her voice was husky as she leaned her head in to catch my mouth. A few soft kisses and I broke away again.
"Oh... really? Maybe I should scare up a few vamps for you to dust..."
"Oh, you'd like that huh?"
"I love to watch you fight... and then... like Wednesday night?"
"Oh yeah."
"You were... insatiable... incredible..."
"You weren't so bad yourself..." She told me. She trailed her fingers up my neck, cupping my cheek.
"I can hold my own..." I whispered leaning into her touch as I slowly stroked my fingers against her inner thigh.
"Can I tell you something?" She held my free hand with hers.
"Always." I left a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.
"Riley... he could never keep up." She shook her head.
"Well... you know... boys." I shrugged, not sure why she was telling me this.
"No... I mean... maybe. But... he was always so competitive, you know?" I nodded that I remembered. "Fighting... he could hold his own until... but in bed..." She smiled, but the look in her eyes told me she was more frustrated than anything. "I couldn't be myself with him, Will. I never let myself go, never felt satisfied, because he was so... he always wanted to be the one in control... maybe he figured he couldn't best me in fighting so..." Again she shook her head, trying to find her words. "We were always doing it, remember?"
I remembered. Like were like bunnies, attached at the hip and always having sex. We had a whole haunting thing caused by them. Yes, I remembered it well.
"I know what you're thinking." She looked at me with a lopsided grin. "Lowell house thing right?" I nodded. "I think... I mean... we just kept doing it right? But... I was never satisfied... and the house was feeding off us... but I think... we were somehow feeding off the house too... and... I still never felt satisfied, never full... because I never let myself totally go with him..." She took her hand away from my face and held her head up. "This is so hard to explain."
I took her hand away and turned her head to face me.
"I think I understand what you're trying to tell me."
"You do?"
"I do. You were afraid to let yourself go... because you didn't want to hurt him... didn't want to run him off because he already felt... inadequate when he fought next to you. He was Mister Big Initiative guy and then... then he was just Riley, second best to The Slayer. He never stood a chance Buffy. Not with the way he was thinking."
She nodded her head slowly before meeting my eyes again.
"How come I don't feel like that with you Willow? How come I can let myself go completely with you and not worry?"
"Maybe because you trust me... a-and you know I trust you... with my life. Maybe because we've loved each other so long... O-or... maybe just because I'm so damn good." I gave her a bright smile and she grinned back.
"Yes you are." She cupped my cheek again, pulling me in for another short kiss.
"Buffy... I never want you to hold back with me." I gripped her hand and held it between us. "Ever. I love you with every ounce of my being and I trust you implicitly. Never hold back... if I can't take it... I-I'll let you know... 'cause let me tell you Missy, you've got some damn stamina going on!" I giggled and kissed our joined hands. "But seriously, I never want you to hold back... give me what you got Slayer girl..."
I captured her mouth once again, cutting off whatever she was about to say. I pushed my tongue against her lips and she parted them, inviting me inside. Our tongues met and I tightened my grip on her inner thigh as she slid her hand around to cup the back of my neck.
I got up and swung my leg around to straddle her, sitting in her lap. With my hands on either side of her face, and her hands on my waist, we continued kissing deeply, our mouths locked tight together and our tongues fighting for dominance, chasing back and forth. If I could only do one thing for the rest of my life, it would be to kiss Buffy Summers. My best friend, my lover, my protector and savior, my passion, my life.
She broke the kiss, panting against my neck as I left tiny kisses across her forehead.
"I love you so much Willow, you know that right?" She looked up at me, searching my eyes. I could see the sincere need to know etched all over her face.
I traced my fingers along her brow, down the slope of her nose, resting them on her lips.
"Even if you never ever told me again." I told her. I kissed her cheek softly. "I'd know because I feel it..." I took her hand placed it over my heart. "...here." I kissed each eye gently. "And I see it in the way you look at me." I took her other hand from around my waist and held both her hands in mine. "And in the way you touch me, the way you hold me."
"God Willow... you are so..." She shook her head, closing her eyes. "The things you say and do... I told you once tonight already... but I..." She opened her eyes and looked up at me again. "You amaze me."
"You're the amazing one Buffy." I told her. "You're the Slayer. You risk your life every night... a-and you've saved the world more times than I can remember. You've died twice and you're still here kicking ass and-"
"That's my job Will. I'm the Chosen One. Besides, I told you... I do it for you... in that I have no choice. But you... God Will, you've never backed down, not once. You're out there, right beside me. You've saved my life and you don't even realize it. You spend so much of your time helping me. You stayed in Sunnyhell when you could've gone anywhere. You don't have super strength or Slayer healing... you're just you..."
"I can't even use magicks anymore..." I said softly.
"No... you can't, not now at least. But Willow... even before you got all powerful with the witchy... you were strong... you were there and you fought and we won, together. So many times I wanted to give it up... run away and be someone else, be someone... normal. But I know I can't do that... I have to protect you... I have to fight to keep the world safe for you... a-and okay, there's also that pesky problem that there'd be no one else to fill my place... but also because you give me strength to do my job. You, Xander, Giles... Dawn. You're all normal people... and you fight the fight... you give me strength and a reason to keep on fighting. I'm not amazing Willow... I'm grateful."
She held me against her, wrapping her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder. I pulled my fingers through her soft blonde locks, slowly, feeling the silky smooth while inhaling the fruity shampoo she used. We stayed like that for a few tender moments lost in each other's warmth and love. Goddess, how I love this woman, this beautiful "chosen" creature that wrapped herself around my heart the day we met and made a home there.
"Will..." She began again softly.
"Hmm?"
"There's something else I need to tell you."
Her voice was so soft, almost a whisper. The tone she used made me tense, she sounded scared, like she knew I wasn't going to like what she had to tell me. I looked down into her eyes searching there for something that would clue me in, give me a sign that the trepidation in her voice, even in her body was my imagination.
"Okay..." I said slowly, leaning back but keeping my eyes on her.
She averted her gaze, looking to the side of us at some unknown fixed point.
"I didn't really know how... how to tell you. I felt kinda weird about it..."
"Buffy... just tell me, whatever it is."
She took a deep breath, letting the air out slow before glancing up into my face, but she wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Tara..." She looked away again.
"Tara?" My heart rate quickened. What could be so hard for Buffy to tell me that involved Tara?
"She... she came on to me... I mean... I'm pretty sure she did."
"She...?" I began but didn't know what I wanted to ask.
My ex-girlfriend actually had the guts to come on to Buffy? Mixed emotions washed through me, pulling me in opposite directions. I wanted to be mad, to question how she could do that. Reminding myself that Tara had every right to pursue another relationship and that she didn't know Buffy and I were together now, my anger subsided. On top of all that, I was almost proud of her for making a move on someone I knew she had a thing for but also someone she had admitted to having a tiny fear of. Buffy was the Slayer, killed nightly, and Tara found her to be bigger than life. The shy woman I knew was usually pretty intimidated around Buffy and it really surprised me that she would actually make a pass at her.
"God I'm really sorry I didn't tell you Will..." Buffy said quickly, her words rushed and laced with a need for forgiveness. "Nothing happened I promise!"
I caught her head in my hands, bringing her face back in front of me to look in her eyes. The fear and in her voice made my heartache to know that she feared losing me that much, that she lived and breathed our love and might crumble without it now that she finally had tasted it.
"I know." I nodded. I knew Buffy good enough to know she wouldn't have accepted Tara's advances. "It's okay."
"It's... no Will..."
"Shhh..." I ran my fingers through her hair and gave her a warm smile. "Did you do anything?.
"No." She shook her head vehemently.
"Nothing at all?" I continued to run my fingers through her hair, hoping to soothe her.
She shook her head again. Her eyes were locked on mine again as if in a trance. Looking toward me for the forgiveness she didn't need and the acceptance she'd always find in my arms.
"Then why are you so worried?" I asked her in whisper before placing one soft kiss on her forehead, my lips lingering there for a few brief moments.
"You're not mad?" She asked me after I pulled away to look at her again.
"Tell me what she did." I told her without answering the question.
"Tell you?" She glanced away briefly before meeting my eyes again. I nodded for her to continue.
"Well she... she..." Her brow creased as if she was thinking how to tell me the details.
I wondered if something really major had happened that would cause Buffy so much turmoil, so much guilt and force her to think she couldn't tell me.
"It wasn't anything big..." She shook her head and paused, trying to wrap her brain around whatever it was Tara had done. "Ya know... now that I'm telling you, it all sounds so stupid." Her frown turned into a small, bemused smile and she shook her head.
"So..." I prompted.
"Hmm... okay, well... the first time she just kind of... did this." She picked up my hand as if she were taking something out of it, brushing her fingertips over the back.
"Oh..." Classic. "And then?"
"Nothing until later... until... she was kind of close, like getting into my personal space. She had this look on her face... I never seen it before... it was..."
"Seductive?" I asked, trying to picture the scene.
"Mmm... maybe." She shook her head. "No, more like... predatory."
"P-predatory?" I sputtered.
I had known Tara to be sexy hot and sultry, and I could remember on several occasions her practically pouncing on me like a tiger. I never thought to call it predatory though.
Shrugging, Buffy continued, "Maybe that's too harsh... I'm not sure how to explain it. She ran her hand up my arm and promised this party would be a lot of fun... a-and I don't think she meant it in an innocent fun way either."
"Oh..." I took this new information in, again trying to process it, trying to decide if I should be mad at Tara or shrug it off. After all, I knew Buffy wouldn't do anything with her, I knew it in my heart, knew it in the way she was scared to hurt me by telling me.
"So... that's it then?" I asked, again running my hand through her silky hair.
She nodded her head twice.
"And you didn't do anything?"
"God no! Willow I'd never..."
"Shhh..." I placed my lips on hers, kissing softly.
"It's okay Buffy..." I pulled back. "I'm just not sure why you didn't tell me."
"I... I was scared..." She shrugged and shook her head. "'Cause I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot." I told her firmly. How many times would I have to point this out to her? How many times would I have to reassure her of her strengths that were solely Buffy and had nothing to do with the Slayer.
She didn't say anything for a long time and I wasn't sure what else to add to our conversation. She was obviously thinking things over her in head.
"Ya know..." She began again. "I think mostly I was kindo shocked. I mean... well, you know how Tara is..."
I nodded, remembering how even two years into our relationship I sometimes had to coax her out of her shell.
"She was facing a huge rejection Will... she didn't know we were together, didn't know I'd even have an interest in girls... and I think..." A smile crept onto her face. "Don't think I'm being all Slayerish when I say this but... I always thought she was kind of scared of me."
"She is... or um, well she was." I admitted.
"She...? really?" She was surprised to be so right in her assumption.
"Oh yeah... you so intimidate the hell out of her."
"I... I do? I don't mean to."
"I know... it's just, ya know... timid Tara and big bad Slayer killing things... and sometimes you come across as... well when you're in Slayer mode especially you're..."
"I can be a real bitch, can't I?" She was nodding her head as if she knew this all along.
"I-I wouldn't exactly put it like that..." I traced my fingers down the slope of her nose. "More like... take charge, I'm the Slayer... get out of my way and let me do my job!"
"Uh huh..."
I giggled and leaned forward, leaving soft kisses on either side of her mouth. She smiled back, her eyes closed.
"I should probably tell you..." I began, leaving another lingering kiss on her lips before pulling back. "There's something else I know about Tara..." I trailed my fingers from her ear, down the side of her neck to rest on her shoulder, toying with her collar.
"Like?" She rubbed her cheek against my hand, her eyes still closed.
"She uh... she's got this major... thing... which I'm not exactly sure how far it goes... cause... for all I know it could just be some lusty thing... a-and..."
"Will..." She opened her eyes, prompting me to get to the point.
"Sorry... She... she had a major crush on you... o-or uh... I guess she still does..."
"She does? and you knew?"
I nodded. "Buffy... why Tara and I broke up... I mean the real reason she left so suddenly... I mean, okay yes... big magick freak here... but... there were a lot of problems that we couldn't resolve... I knew she had a thing for you... a-and I think she knew... I'm pretty sure she knew I was in love with you."
"Oh..." Her surprised expression quickly turned into a grin. "So you're telling me that the two hot lesbians that lived in my house were lusting after me... and neither of you thought to invite me into the party?"
"Buffy!" I shook my head, unable to hold my laughter in. "You're incorrigible!"
"So you keep telling me." She quipped, holding me tight against her, both of us giggling.
"So... would you... I mean if we had asked... would you've?" I made tiny circles with my fingers, finding my way under the collar of her shirt to the bare skin below.
"Mmm... maybe." She admitted, leaning her head back, exposing her neck.
"That would have been..." I didn't finish though, letting my slow circles work up her neck. Her lips parted and I leaned toward her again to gently lick first her bottom, then her top lip with the tip of my tongue. Her own darted out and met mine briefly before I sat back up.
"Buffy," I started, my tone taking on seriousness again, " I-I don't want you to ever feel like you can't tell me something... okay? There have been too many secrets between us lately... and... I just need you to know you can trust me..."
"I trust you." She stated quickly, putting her head on my chest.
I held her head, kissing the top lightly before running my fingers back through her hair.
"We've been out here forever... maybe we should... go back." I said softly after a few quiet moments.
"Mmm... maybe." She nuzzled my neck with her nose, sending a shiver down my spine.
"At least find the phone and call a cab... I don't think I feel like walking."
"Okay." She nodded, pulling back from me. "Guess we should find Tara, tell her we're leaving.
"I feel kind of bad... we really haven't spent that much time at the party."
"I'm sure they'll get over it." She grinned and caught my lips for another series of soft kisses.