Stones In The Road
by Boo
Stones In The Road Part 2
[reviews]
Stones In The Road
PART TWO
"How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me, hey,
This kind of trouble's only just begun
That's why it hurts so bad to hear
The words that keep on falling from your mouth
Tell me why...
I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind,
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times that you'd be better off...
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Tell me why
You don't know what I feel" - Annie Lennox
*****
Sunnydale at night was rarely quiet but tonight was an exception. Even the Bronze had closed early. Buffy stood motionless in the shadows of some downtown alley, her breath slow and even, listening, the stillness of the darkness around her revealing nothing. This alley looked very much like any other downtown and even to the Slayer they all began to look alike. Yet Buffy was comfortable in these familiar surroundings. More than comfortable, she knew that she belonged here. And Buffy pondered that thought.
Did she feel a part of this because it was her home turf that she defended? That it was her calling, her destiny? Or...was it the night? Could she separate the Slayer from the night?
His whispered words came back to her, so powerful that she could swear she could feel him standing behind her, what he told her touching her like his hand, caressing her flesh, making her flinch yet only wanting more. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her back to the brick wall behind her, inhaling sharply as the cold of the stone penetrated her thin jacket.
"You see...you try to be with them...but you always end up in the dark...with me. What would they think of you...if they found out...all the things you've done? If they knew...who you really were? That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me."
His invitation chilled her more than the cold brick she leaned against now. Was that why she had hurt him, had used him, had...
Buffy winced, reliving what she had done, that same anger rising again because...because he never understood how close to the truth his words had been.
And now he had a soul. Because of her. No, even worse, the image of his tormented face bitterly stinging, he had sought out his soul for her, not because of her.
She opened her eyes, only now seeing the stake she gripped so tightly in her hand, not even remembering withdrawing it from her jacket. Buffy opened her hand to let the weapon slip free from her fingers yet changed her mind even before it fell. With a disgusted sigh she thrust the stake back into her jacket and pushed away from the wall. More frustrated than angry now, she lashed out at a stone by her feet, sending it bouncing down the alley.
The stone echoed loudly off the alley walls, shattering the silence that had been as much a part of her surroundings as the night itself. It came to rest beyond the end of the alley, on the broken and cracked sidewalk...right at his feet. Buffy blinked once, twice, then realized she wasn't alone.
Spike stared at her, his eyebrows slightly raised in surprise but his pale face empty of emotion. Buffy hesitated, took a step forward, then stopped. Their eyes met briefly but Spike looked away first, his shoulders slumping.
"Spike," whispered Buffy, her voice uncomfortably loud in the distance between them.
Spike looked up and once again they simply stared at one another. This time Buffy looked away first. His face betrayed no emotion, but his eyes...
His eyes. So full of pain, of sadness, yet they held no anger, no malice towards her.
Once again Buffy felt the coldness of that wall she had been leaning against.
"Spike, I...I mean, I'm..."
But when Buffy raised her head he was gone.
*****
Buffy turned, watching the sunrise paint the morning clouds in shades of pink and blue. A part of her relaxed, knowing that she could now rest with the dawn of a new day. Yet another part of her, deeper within and darker, was sad that the hunt was over for another night.
Buffy unlocked her front door, smiling at finding it locked. She quietly made her way up the stairs, suddenly feeling very tired. Collapsing on top of her bed without taking her clothes off, Buffy quickly fell asleep.
*****
Buffy opened her eyes, unsure of what had startled her out of such a deep sleep. And then she heard it again. A thump. As if something heavy had been dropped onto the floor. Something like...like a body? Buffy sprang out of bed and bounded down the stairs two at a time, hearing voices coming from the basement. She paused for a moment to listen, mad at herself for not checking on Dawn before running down here.
"Xander, you sure that'll hold? I don't think..."
"Willow, do I ask about your eye of newt when you're brewing up a potion?"
"Well, no, but that's not..."
"See, I'm a carpenter and this is wood. Wood and I have an understanding. So if I say this will hold the weight of the bag..."
"Will you two keep it down? You're going to wake up Buffy!" warned Dawn.
"Sorry," murmured both Willow and Xander at the same time.
"Uh, Dawn? Before you glue that together you should score it," said Xander.
"Score it? You mean...set it to music? What, are we going to be singing again?"
"Uh, no. I meant take a nail and scratch some lines in it. It'll give the glue something more to hold onto," explained Xander.
"Oh," sighed Dawn, the embarrassment evident in her voice.
Buffy rolled her eyes and made her way down the cellar stairs.
"Morning, Buffy! Um, I uh, hope we didn't wake you," winced Willow, hiding something behind her back.
"Buffy! Uh, yeah, like Willow said. Good morning," smiled Xander.
"Didn't you have those clothes on yesterday?" asked Dawn.
Buffy sat down on the bottom step and slowly surveyed the room. Xander was half standing, half hiding behind a heavy punching bag hanging from a hook in the ceiling. Dawn was sitting cross-legged on a padded mat on the floor in the corner and Willow was just standing in the middle of the room with her hands behind her back.
"Surprise!" smiled Willow awkwardly.
"What the hell are you people doing?" yawned Buffy.
"Well, uh, like Willow said, it's a surprise, a, um, present. With the glory days of the Magic Box a thing of the past, you needed a new place to work out. I salvaged some of the stuff and made a few new additions. Like that cabinet over there," pointed Xander. "Thought you could store weapons in it, or..."
"Xander! Glory days? Not exactly a good choice of words, you know?" scolded Dawn.
"Oh. Right," grimaced Xander. "Sorry. Anyway, we're not quite done but, well, you get the idea. Ceiling isn't really high enough to throw weapons. Maybe knives, but I'd go easy with the axes."
"And see? You can use the exercise mat for, okay, exercise. Hence the name. But you can meditate down here too. It's quiet. Or usually is," frowned Willow.
"Hey, this whole thing was my idea!" protested Dawn. "You guys were all 'I don't know, maybe we should ask', blah, blah, blah. I had to talk you into it. Buffy needs to work out."
"Yeah, she's right. But we didn't need much convincing. Dawn had me at sweaty Slayer. Um, you know, that didn't come out right," winced Willow, her face turning red.
Xander smiled.
"Xander? Wipe the drool of your chin," teased Dawn. And now Buffy smiled.
"Thanks. I love you guys. But couldn't you have done this, oh, I don't know, say in the afternoon when certain people aren't sleeping?" sighed Buffy.
"Sorry. We were trying to keep it a secret," frowned Xander.
"So that's why Dawn has been doing the laundry! She was hoping I wouldn't come down here. And here I thought you were genuinely trying to help out," glared Buffy.
"Believe me, you can start doing the laundry again," sighed Dawn.
"Speaking of secrets, Willow, what are you hiding behind your back?" asked Buffy.
Willow sheepishly brought a bouquet of flowers out from behind her back.
"I know there's a vase around here somewhere, just haven't found it yet," shrugged Willow.
Buffy's face warmed as her smile grew. She stood up and walked over to Willow.
"See, this was Dawn's idea and Xander did most...okay, almost all of the work. I just wanted to contribute, you know? And no one's given you flowers in a while," sighed Willow, holding the flowers out towards Buffy. She took them, inhaling the sweet scent as she tried not to think about how long it actually had been since she last got flowers.
"Thanks," whispered Buffy as she hugged Willow. "And you know you contribute around here."
"I guess," shrugged Willow. Buffy shook her head disapprovingly at Willow.
"Guess I'll get ready for school," said Dawn.
"Yeah, we'd better get going soon, Buffy," reminded Xander.
"Uh, guys? Hold on. We have time. And there's something I need to tell you. About Spike," announced Buffy. Xander and Dawn immediately frowned but Willow didn't react.
"What now?" demanded Xander, crossing his arms in front of himself.
"Spike, he's different now. He knows what he did was wrong. That's why he left," said Buffy, looking down at the floor.
"Fine. That explains why he left. Why did he come back?" growled Xander.
"Different how?" asked Dawn, ignoring Xander.
Buffy took in a deep breath and slowly looked at each of them, deliberately making eye contact.
"He has a soul," said Buffy softly.
Xander blinked, lowering his arms. Dawn's eyes opened wide.
"What? How?" questioned Willow.
"I don't know," shrugged Buffy. "But I believe him."
"Oh, please! Just because he says...Buffy, how can you trust him?" shouted Xander.
"I didn't say I trusted him. I said I believed him," said Buffy firmly. She stared at Xander until, shaking his head, he looked away.
"Well. Just thought you should know. Puts things in a different light, don'tcha think?"
"Still like to put him in the light," muttered Xander.
"And that makes him what? Better?" sighed Dawn.
"I don't know what it means. But...I feel for him," winced Buffy.
"Feel what?" snapped Xander.
"Xander!" warned Willow. Xander shook his head in disgust.
"I'll be in the car," said Xander as he walked away, avoiding Buffy's empty stare.
"Buffy. Are you okay?" asked Willow.
"Yeah. I'm going to go change. Thanks for the flowers, Will," smiled Buffy.
Dawn and Willow didn't say anything as Buffy walked up the stairs.
"Willow, now's not a good time, but I need to ask a favor," whispered Dawn.
"What's up?"
"I've been invited to a party on Saturday night. Me. Dawn no-social-life Summers, invited somewhere! And I really wanna go. Could you, um, run it by Buffy sometime today, let her know how important this is to me? I'll even keep doing the laundry!" promised Dawn.
"Maybe," smiled Willow. "But what's the what and the where and the who?"
"Oh, I'm going with Kit and it's at Carlos Trejo's house. I'll even spend the night at Kit's house so no one has to come and get me. Please! Think of what you were doing at my age," pleaded Dawn.
"You mean reading books and staying home?" sighed Willow.
"Okay, bad example. But you know what I mean!"
"Hmm. I'm betting there'll be boys and booze at this party," said Willow knowingly.
"I hope so! Oh, but I promise not to drink," grimaced Dawn.
"Sure, I'll soften her up. But you have to ask. I won't do that for you and it's not my decision to make," said Willow.
"Oh, thank you!" smiled Dawn, actually jumping up and down.
"You'd better get ready for school," reminded Willow.
"Yeah. Hey, what do we do next about our research? Kinda came up with a big ole zero with the books."
"I don't know. Guess I could ask our resident ex-demon Anya for advice," sighed Willow with trepidation.
*****
"Does it ever get an easier? Any less complicated?" sighed Buffy, talking to herself as she walked among the trees. Tired of cemeteries, she had sought out Miller's Woods if only to change her routine. And it had been a long time since she had patrolled here.
"What is it about relationships? Is it me? Would things have been any different if I wasn't the Slayer? Oh, don't even go there!" laughed Buffy, slapping a hand to her forehead.
A cloud passed in front of the moon and the shadows of the trees grew deeper until they merged with the dark of the night. Buffy's mood darkened as well. She thrust her hands into the pockets of the thin windbreaker she wore, something she rarely did on patrol. Better to keep your hands free, ready to fight, ready to react. But the cool night air chilled her and her thoughts distracted her.
"And now he's got a soul," whispered Buffy, shaking her head. She stopped walking and looked up at the sky.
"What am I supposed to do with that? Why?"
No answer came with Buffy's question. If anything the night seemed even quieter now.
"You guys send me prophetic dreams, portents with cryptic messages, reveal foreshadowing in dusty old tomes...how about dropping me a sign, a subtle hint, a breadcrumb. Come on! You can't be that busy!"
Buffy was knocked facedown into the ground, her arms pinned against her sides by strong arms. Instinctively she used her attacker's momentum and rolled forward, breaking free of his grasp. The vampire growled as she sprang to her feet. Turning, its hands gripped her throat. Smashing her foot down on his instep, Buffy forced her arms beneath his arms and once again broke his hold, grabbing him by the shoulders.
"You know, it's awfully rude to interrupt some when they're talking, even if it is to herself."
Buffy leaned back and rolled, pulling the vampire with her and kicking him upwards with her feet. The vampire smacked into a tree behind them...and exploded into ash. Still kneeling, Buffy stared at the broken branch that had punctured the vampire's heart.
The branch of a willow tree.
Buffy stood and brushed herself off, glancing up warily at the sky above just as the moon once again emerged from behind the clouds.
*****
Willow kicked the door closed behind her while peering over the two bags of groceries in her arms and trying to keep her balance. Heading towards the kitchen she passed the living room...and then backed up, standing motionless at what she saw.
"Hey, Will! Need a hand?"
"Um...no. No, I got it," nodded Willow. "Buffy...you feeling okay?"
"Yep."
"Oh. Well, that's...good. So you're, uh, not patrolling tonight?"
"Nope."
"Oh. Well, that's...Buffy, you sure you feel okay? It's only eight o'clock and you're already in your pajamas."
"Yep. Dawn's sleeping over a friend's house tonight so I thought we could have a girl's night in. As opposed to out," added Buffy.
"Sure," shrugged Willow.
"Don't worry. It's a slow night undead-wise. I made a quick pass earlier. So go put those groceries on the counter for now and get into your PJs. Got us a video to watch. Already made the popcorn!" beamed Buffy.
"Not Thelma And Louise again?" asked Willow cautiously.
"Um...well, yeah. Kinda. I was in a mood," frowned Buffy.
"Uh-huh. And I'm guessing that pink stuff in that pitcher isn't Kool Aid," said Willow.
"Nope. Made us some cosmos," grinned Buffy.
"Cosmo...cosmopolitans? Isn't that basically a vodka martini with a little cranberry for color?" winced Willow.
"And your point?" asked Buffy.
"Oh boy," whispered Willow to herself as she headed for the kitchen. She eased the bags onto the counter and pulled out a container of ice cream, the only perishable to worry about, and tossed it into the back of the freezer. Digging into her pocket, Willow dumped her change onto the counter, knowing Dawn always needed quarters for the vending machine at school.
She hadn't realized that she had also pulled out her worrystone with the change. Willow picked it up, her thumb gliding over its smooth surface in a practiced circular motion. Turning, she leaned back to peer around the corner, smiling when she saw Buffy tossing kernels of popcorn into the air and trying to catch them, somewhat unsuccessfully, with her mouth.
Exhaling a silent sigh, Willow held the polished stone in her palm, staring at it.
"Hey! Whatcha doin' in there? The popcorn's getting cold!"
After one last reassuring caress with her thumb, Willow slipped the stone into her pocket and bounded up the stairs two at a time.
*****
"Okay, I'll admit that popcorn representing salty goes better with a cosmo than chocolate representing sweet. But only if you'll admit that the bunny slippers are overkill," smiled Buffy over the rim of her glass.
"But I like my bunny slippers!" complained Willow, looking at her feet. "And, you know, bonus points for Anya being afraid of them."
"There's that," nodded Buffy. "Alright, the bunny slippers aren't roadkill."
"Overkill," corrected Willow, taking another sip from her drink.
"Huh?"
"Never mind," laughed Willow. "Sure ya don't wanna watch the movie?"
"Nah. Two pissed off chicks drive off a cliff. Big dummies shoulda turned around and kicked some male ass or at least slapped 'em up side the head," giggled Buffy.
"You are in a mood, aren't you?" announced Willow.
"Nah, not really. Though I'm not downplaying my issues with the opposite sex. My nose is tingly," said Buffy, looking cross-eyed at her nose. "Does your nose get tingly when you drink?"
"No, I don't think so. Sometimes my teeth get numb," replied Willow, causing Buffy to laugh. They each took another sip from their glasses.
"Buffy, did you wanna talk about something?"
"Sure. What?"
"No, I meant you. Did you want to say something to me? Because a few times tonight I thought you were going to say...something. And then the subject got changed or, or it never came up," frowned Willow.
Buffy took a deep breath and another sip from her drink, then finally looked Willow in the eye.
"Yeah, I did want to talk. About me, if that's okay," sighed Buffy uncomfortably.
"Of course it's okay! It's more than okay, it's perfectly okay!" added Willow, scooting over to sit closer next to her. Buffy put her drink down on the table and Willow, puzzled, did the same.
"Hey. Are you okay?" asked Willow softly.
"Yes. No...I don't know," shrugged Buffy, shaking her head. Willow waited a moment but didn't say anything. Then she reached over and held Buffy's hand, getting the requisite smile as expected.
"I need to say some stuff. Out loud. Maybe more for me to hear than you. But I'm glad you're here," added Buffy.
"Me too," smiled Willow.
"So I need you to listen, to smile in the appropriate places and, well, maybe most of all, to be honest with me."
"Of course!" agreed Willow, letting go of Buffy's hand but then reaching around her back to rest her hand on Buffy's hip. Buffy almost smiled, looked down and slowly inhaled through her nose, working up the courage to continue. Again Willow didn't say anything. When Buffy looked up she was immediately calmed by Willow's expression, a softness that conveyed not unwanted sympathy but the implicit trust only a best friend could give.
"I've been the Slayer for a long time, longer than most of the others before me. Hell, probably all of them. So we're talking new territory here. Hence the lack of wordage in the Watcher's Diaries about the experiences of old Slayers. And because of that I can't really compare what's happening to me...okay, getting a little ahead of myself here. What I mean is Slaying does something to the Slayer. It changes you. And the longer you are the Slayer..."
Buffy took another deep breath, once again seeking encouragement in Willow's eyes.
"Go on," whispered Willow.
"I didn't understand it at first, even tried to talk about it with Giles a couple of times."
"When?" asked Willow.
"The first time, after meeting Dracula. When I asked him to be my Watcher again. And then again after my mom died...when he took me on that vision quest thingy," explained Buffy.
"I remember," nodded Willow. "Death is your gift and all that."
"Yeah," nodded Buffy, looking straight ahead as she talked. "The Slaying. The killing. You remove yourself from it, or at least you try to...but you can't. I get it now. Dracula said it best. My power comes from a dark source. The need to hunt is like a drug, an addiction. And the only way to stop it from overwhelming you, from controlling you...is to go numb inside."
Buffy felt Willow's hand tense on her side but her friend didn't say anything. Buffy turned to face her. Willow wasn't smiling.
"Maybe...maybe it's a little like the magicks I used," suggested Willow.
"Maybe," agreed Buffy, somewhat surprised that Willow hadn't tried to argue with her. Was how she felt that obvious? "I don't doubt what my destiny has done to me. Not anymore."
"But, where you were, what I did to you..."
It was Buffy's turn to say nothing. Willow swallowed once and wet her lips before continuing.
"I brought you back. How could that not affect you? Isn't that why you were numb? Well, except for the pain and, and..."
"No," said Buffy, shaking her head. "It was a shock and it took me a hell of a long time to deal. Probably longer because I wasn't honest with you, wouldn't let you help."
"Buffy!"
"But no. I'm the same old Buffy. Only more so. Numb. Unable to feel. It's why Riley left. I could never give myself completely to him. It wasn't there to give anymore," sighed Buffy.
"This is one of those appropriate places where I should smile, huh?" frowned Willow. Buffy rested her head on Willow's shoulder and put her arm around Willow's back.
"This change, it happens so slowly. You have to remove yourself from the bloodlust, the desire to kill...or be consumed by it. Like...well, like Faith. But the trade off? You lose the ability to feel. To love," said Buffy, her voice trailing off.
"I don't believe that," whispered Willow. Buffy stiffened, then looked up at Willow.
"You wanted me to be honest," smiled Willow.
"Guess I did," winced Buffy.
"Buffy, I'm not dismissing what you feel. Or, um, don't feel, that is. I'm just trying to understand."
Buffy sat up, removing her hand from Willow's back, but Willow kept her close by holding her, hand on her waist now.
"Where you were...you said once that everything was harsh now, too bright, too loud. Buffy, if...if you were at peace before, then nothing..."
"No. I got past all that, learned to accept it," countered Buffy. "Not jumping for joy happy about it, of course. But this growing numbness, this emptiness that's always there..."
"Always?"
"Well, no. Not at first, of course. I hadn't been the Slayer long enough."
"So you had...you slept with Spike because...?"
"Because...because it was the only time I ever felt anything," whispered Buffy, lowering her head. "The only time I knew I was alive."
"Makes sense."
Buffy snapped her head up, fear in her eyes.
"What?"
Willow smiled.
"Close your eyes," said Willow.
Buffy just looked at her as if she didn't understand.
"Go on," insisted Willow. Buffy slowly closed her eyes, opening one eye once to nervously glance at Willow. Willow pouted and Buffy closed her eyes. And then she felt Willow's finger as it gently traced a path across her cheek. Again as her finger brushed along her neck, the heat from her palm soothing as it caressed the hollow of her shoulder.
"You feel that, right?" asked Willow. Buffy opened her eyes.
"Yes."
"We need to be touched, Buffy. It's one of the most basic and primitive urges known."
"My urges went beyond need," grimaced Buffy.
"Not really," smiled Willow. Buffy frowned at her doubtfully but considered what Willow said.
"Buffy, if what you say is true, well, maybe your body is protecting you. Again, on a primitive level."
"That sounds...huh?"
"Think about it. You have amazing healing powers. All that killing, facing what you have to face, every day...your body is dealing with stress, like it would an injury. I'm sure it's not quite that simple, but, yeah, going a little numb? Makes sense," nodded Willow.
"A little?" winced Buffy.
"Again, I'm not dismissing how you feel. But there's probably no one hello-I'm-here answer. Let's see, you mentioned something about issues with the opposite sex. Giles helped you. Didn't he teach you some meditation techniques?"
"Yeah. We started, anyway, but..."
"But he left. Like Angel left. Like your father left. Like Riley..."
"No, it's not that simple. It can't be!" sighed Buffy.
"Already said it wasn't simple, silly," replied Willow reaching for her glass and taking another drink. Buffy reached for her glass, hesitated, then changed her mind. Willow put her almost empty glass back onto the table.
"This is complicated stuff. But I'm seeing a pattern here."
"Is this becoming a lecture on the ills of the evil male species?" teased Buffy.
"As fun as that would be...no. This is about you. About your relationships. Buffy, the only time you opened your heart to someone post-Angel was to Parker. And we know how that turned out," added Willow, scrunching up her face.
"But Riley..."
"Probably never had a chance. You couldn't let him in. If you were withdrawing your feelings to protect yourself from this urge to hunt, well, Riley was probably on the receiving end of that too."
Willow waited for her words to sink in. Buffy looked at her, confused and yet impressed. Willow rubbed her back, giving her time.
"Wanna talk about Spike?" ventured Willow.
"Um...ya know, maybe not tonight," whispered Buffy. "It's just..."
"It's okay. But the offer stands."
"Thanks," smiled Buffy. They didn't speak a almost a full minute.
"You know," whispered Willow, "you haven't always let me in either."
Buffy winced but nodded.
"I know. And I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I wasn't exactly there for you either. I was hurting too much from dealing with the magicks and what I did to Tara," frowned Willow.
"What you did?" asked Buffy. Willow blinked and looked away.
"Um, okay, let's say you're right about needing to put up walls between you and the Slayage, the...the power to take a life," said Willow, carefully choosing her words. "That makes sense too. At least to me. I touched that, remember? Only I can't put up a wall. It's always there, just below the surface."
Buffy looked at Willow, stared at her. She understood this fear but wouldn't let Willow see that. Instead Buffy raised her hand and touched Willow's cheek.
"Always," continued Willow. "And it terrifies me, what I might do...what I've done. I kinda envy this numbness you talk about. And yet I don't want that."
Buffy slowly lowered her hand but Willow took it and once again placed it against her cheek.
"I know I can feel love, Buffy. Maybe someday, when I'm ready, I'll even allow myself to try again, to open myself to that. You will too. And maybe I can help you. All I can do is try," offered Willow, her voice small.
"Like with the meditation we've been doing?" asked Buffy.
"It's a start. And if you think you can trust me again..."
"I do," interrupted Buffy without hesitation. Willow smiled gratefully and took in a deep breath.
"And if you can trust yourself, I promise I can help. There's a way to bring these repressed feelings to the surface again," said Willow, but she wouldn't look directly at Buffy, as if she were hiding something.
"You mean magically?" asked Buffy.
Willow nodded.
"Will, I want you to be comfortable with this. If you don't think you can handle..."
"It's okay. This is white magick, healing magick. It's safe. I use it when I meditate," said Willow, again not looking directly at Buffy.
"But...you don't feel numb. Why would..."
Willow lowered her head. And Buffy understood.
"Oh. This goes both ways, right? You can bring feelings and emotions to the surface...or you can suppress them," said Buffy.
"Restrain might be a better word. It's how I deal with my grief, with my guilt...this helps block the pain. I create a barrier. With you, we need to remove that barrier. Except...Buffy, what if that barrier needs to be there, to protect you?" asked Willow, concerned. "What if your body knows what's best?"
"I don't care. Willow, I need to feel again. I need to live. I...I want your help," smiled Buffy weakly. Willow nodded.
"Buffy, you're not weak if you ask for help. You just have to trust me. And you don't know how much that means to me, that you would. Trust me. After what..."
Willow stopped, nervously swallowing. Buffy sought out Willow's hand and held it. She didn't have to say anything.
"When I say trust me, I mean don't hold back. It can be scary, letting go, not being in control. Like with the magicks or, I guess, the Slayage. But I've seen your expression afterwards, felt your body respond. I know you've felt...something," said Willow.
"Yeah," admitted Buffy, almost blushing. "Something. Something very...basic, like you said. Primal."
"It's a start," repeated Willow, easing her hand up behind Buffy's back to rest it upon her shoulder. She pulled her close in a hug. "You're not flawed, Buffy. I think your body's trying to protect you, that's all."
"Makes sense," whispered Buffy. "I hope you're right."
"Of course I'm right. After all, I'm stronger than you."
"What?"
"Come on, admit it. Hell, I kicked your ass across the Magic Box, didn't I?" grinned Willow. "So that proves it."
"Oh, you so did not! Proves it? And what's that supposed to mean?" laughed Buffy with mock indignation.
"It proves that I'm not only stronger but smarter," replied Willow, sticking out her tongue.
"Oh yeah? Care to arm wrestle?" challenged Buffy.
"Can't. Gotta finish your drink first," yelled Willow, quickly standing up and grabbing Buffy's drink. She jumped out of reach of Buffy's lunge.
"Willow, get back here! You better not spill that!"
*****
"So, are you comfortable?" asked Willow as she lit a second candle. Buffy looked down at what she was wearing; sweat pants tied at the waist with a string and a loose fitting T-shirt. She was also barefoot.
"I guess," shrugged Buffy.
"No, silly," smiled Willow, shaking her hand to extinguish the match she held. "I meant are you nervous?"
"Oh. No, I don't think so. Should I be?" added Buffy quickly.
"No, of course not."
"Well, maybe I would be nervous if I knew what was going on. So spill already. What are we going to do?" asked Buffy.
"I told you, we're just going to meditate, like before. Only on a deeper level," explained Willow. She crossed her legs under herself and Buffy followed her lead.
"So these two candles...they represent what? Me and you, ying and yang, Sharon and Ozzy?" asked Buffy, leaning forward a bit to get a closer look at them.
"Um, actually, I kinda just like the scent. See? Pine," said Willow, moving her hands in a circular motion so that the smoke would drift towards Buffy.
"Oh. You know, I thought this would be more, say, mysterious or something," pouted Buffy.
"Just wait," winked Willow. Before Buffy could reply she took both of her hands into her own.
"When we start, I only want you to listen to my voice, to focus on it, but don't ask me anything or talk at all. You need to trust me, to not resist. Once you're relaxed I'll deepen the trance," said Willow.
"And then?"
"Then, when I think you're ready, I'm going to reach out, touch you...probably in a way you haven't experienced before," smiled Willow.
Buffy raised one eyebrow in Willow's direction.
"Not physically!" laughed Willow. "Come on, let's get started. Close your eyes."
"Okay," nodded Buffy cautiously.
"Take in a slow, deep breath. Focus inward, concentrate on the air as it fills your lungs and as you slowly let it out. Fix onto my voice, find your center. The only sensation you should be aware of is your breathing...deep cleansing breaths, relaxing...your pulse is slowing. Let the world fall away...fall away...be calm...placid. Good. Now breathe on your own, without my voice..."
Buffy didn't count how many times she inhaled and exhaled, she simply let it happen, soothed by the rhythm of her chest as it rose and fell. Though Willow still held her hands she was no longer aware of touching her.
[i]Buffy. Can you hear me?[i]
Buffy felt Willow's question more than she heard it, her words a muffled echo. And she understood that Willow was using telepathy to communicate with her.
[i]Yes, I can.
Good. Remember, trust me. Just let it happen.
Let what happen?
Shhh. I can't explain, not yet. I can't use words...it's like describing colors to a blind person. Breathe...find your center...[/i]
Even as she took in her next breath Buffy felt it, a warmth that radiated from her hands into her arms, seeping like water through a sponge. And yet it was more than heat. This sensation enveloped her completely, like being immersed. Buffy gasped, suddenly aware of the intensity of what was happening, felt herself moan though no words escaped her lips. She needed to be closer to this, to embrace this, yet it was like trying to grasp at tendrils of mist as they caressed her. Though she knew her eyes were closed they seemed too heavy to open. And Buffy panicked. For the first time she resisted, pushing away this urge, this need...as if fighting to wake up from a dream.
And then it was over.
Buffy's eyes were open and Willow was no longer holding her hands. She didn't understand what had happened but she felt neither fear nor panic. No, in fact she felt rested, as if waking up from a long nap.
"Wow. Willow, that was...hey, are you crying? What's wrong?" asked Buffy, quickly kneeling next to her.
"Nothing," answered Willow, shaking her head. She wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands and laughed in embarrassment. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting...just give me a sec, okay?"
Buffy nodded and put her arm around her shoulder. Willow may have laughed but her body was shaking.
"You sure you're okay?" asked Buffy.
"Yeah," sighed Willow. "I'm sorry that ended so soon."
Buffy glanced up at the clock and did a double-take; almost twenty minutes had passed.
"Can you describe to me what you felt?" sniffed Willow.
Buffy sat down and drew her knees up in front of her.
"Um...it's kinda hard to put into words," shrugged Buffy, resting her chin on her knees.
"I know," smiled Willow.
"There was this comforting warmth, but more than that. It...you know, this may sound crazy, but I felt...I felt like my mom was holding me in her arms, cradling me. I was safe and content and, and...and you're looking at me like I'm a crazy person," grinned Buffy.
"Not at all," smiled Willow. "That's...that's only a part of it, but hey, for your first time? Not bad."
Buffy tilted her head suspiciously at Willow and added a pout to emphasize her confusion.
"It was me, Buffy. What you felt was love, pure and simple. You've been my best friend for years now. Of course I love you. I simply transferred that feeling, that essence, towards you. Your body, it's somehow blocking that or, or maybe it's just forgotten. I'm just trying to knock that barrier down, stir things up, reawaken whatever is asleep."
Willow smiled and took Buffy's hand. Buffy's eyes opened a bit wider as she stared at Willow's hand in her own.
"I think, maybe, you just need to remember," whispered Willow.
"Wow. I...wow," sighed Buffy, giving Willow's hand a squeeze. "Um, sorry about the mom reference!"
"Don't be," laughed Willow. "It's nice, in an awkwardy compliment kinda way."
"So, is that what you felt?"
Willow's smile vanished.
"Will, what...I don't get it. What's going on?"
"Well...how do I explain this?" sighed Willow.
"Talking usually works," chided Buffy.
"Yeah," agreed Willow reluctantly. "Okay, see, I can control what you feel from me. But this is new to you, so...when I touched you, your emotions, your, um, aura, is more open to me."
"Oh," said Buffy uncomfortably, suddenly worried about the implications of Willow's words.
"I'm not sure what happened. It was kinda like a panic attack. Suddenly I felt so alone, so...isolated," frowned Willow. "Wasn't expecting that, so I must've lost my concentration. Well, not must have. I did."
Willow gave Buffy a moment to think about that.
"Buffy, do you...do you feel like that? Alone?"
Buffy hesitated but looked directly at Willow.
"Sometimes," shrugged Buffy. "Don't we all?"
"No, this was more intense. It was like I suddenly broke through thin ice and the water was just so cold. Buffy, maybe, maybe I touched onto part of what being a Slayer is. I mean, you are alone."
Again Buffy hesitated but she reluctantly nodded.
"Maybe," whispered Buffy.
"Oh," winced Willow.
"But only a small part. There's so much more to it than that. Um, maybe we shouldn't..."
"No! No, you don't understand. For you to feel what I gave you...Buffy, it worked! I think I can help. And next time I'll be more prepared," smiled Willow confidently.
"Or maybe next time you'll touch something that'll really scare you. What then?" asked Buffy calmly.
Willow didn't answer.
"It's getting late. We should go to bed," said Buffy, standing up.
"Are you afraid of what I might find? Embarrassed?" challenged Willow.
"No. No, of course not! But..."
Willow stood and put her hands on Buffy's shoulders.
"Then don't push me away."
Buffy didn't say anything at first. And then Willow smiled softly, flashing Buffy with the best puppy dog eyes she could muster up. Buffy couldn't help but smile. And she nodded her assent.
"I'll make you a deal. We'll keep at this if you can be honest with me and answer two questions," said Buffy firmly.
"What are the questions?" asked Willow warily.
"First, you're comfortable with this, right? You aren't worried about using magic here, you aren't afraid and not telling me, not even a teensy little bit...right?"
"Okay, more than one question there, but, ignoring that for the moment...no. I'm so comfortable with this I might fall asleep," grinned Willow. "Oh, not that I would!"
"Good," smiled Buffy. "And now for the tough one."
Buffy reached up and took Willow's hands into her own.
"I know you're wrestling with some really big stuff here. Grief, guilt, fear of what the magicks could do to you...but I need to know. Are you hiding? Are you using this to block out all that, to avoid dealing? 'Cause that doesn't sound healthy. And if you're going to help me, then you need to let me help you."
Willow kept her eyes on Buffy, took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, puffing out her cheeks with the effort. Just before the tears came, Willow nodded once, ever so slightly, and pulled Buffy close, wrapping her arms around her, ashamed at her confession but ever so grateful that Buffy had reached out to her.
END OF PART TWO