Red Skies at Morning
by TheBear
Chapter 4
[reviews]
Part 4
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By lunchtime, Xander was concerned- he hadn't seen Buffy or Willow all day. While Buffy had been known to cut the occasional class, Willow missing class scared him almost as much as an impending apocalypse. "How sad is it that I can actually make that a literal comparison?" Xander wondered to himself.
He took a moment to ponder the possibility that maybe they had both realized their feelings for each other and decided to spend the day having a lesbian lust party. "Nah, Willow still wouldn't miss school," he decided. Plus, the whole Ms. Calendar being dead/Giles being an emotional wreck craziness was all fresh and new. He didn't think they would be ready for anything like that even if they did realize their feelings.
Finally his worry was too great and he decided to skip class to go see to Willow's house. "And, If I'm wrong, and they are having smoochies... Well, I'll just have to risk it," he thought- smiling at the mental picture.
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Buffy had just gotten dressed and walked down to find her mother hovering over the paper with a cup of coffee in hand. Suddenly coffee seemed like an absolute necessity. She hadn't had much sleep last night and, combined with the emotional upheaval from Ms. Calendar's death, and Giles' near death had her feeling really out of it. To top it off, her early morning sexcapades with her sleeping best friend had her mind still whirling with guilt, confusion, and even desire and pleasure- which sparked even higher levels of confusion and guilt.
Joyce Summers was accustomed to her daughter being less than sociable first thing in the morning, but the look in Buffy's eyes spoke of desperation and near-madness.
She stood up and stepped in front of her daughter, grasping her shoulders and ducking down to meet her eyes, "Oh my God! Buffy? What's wrong Honey?"
Buffy would never be sure if it was the confusion, the exhaustion, her subconscious need to discuss this with someone, or what. She thought, "How do you tell your mother that you woke up with your best friend in the whole world making love to you in her sleep?"
At least she thought, she thought. Seeing the look in her mother's eyes, she realized that she might have thought a little too loudly.
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Willow woke up to the sound of someone pounding on her front door. She realized that she was laying on the floor of her bathroom, curled up on her side. She sat up stiffly, "Ouch! My shoulder hurts!" she thought. She stretched her arm out, trying to work the kinks out, and wondering why she was in the bathroom. "How did I end up..." her thoughts trailed off as the memories of last night whipped through her mind; good thoughts, leading to her and Buffy falling asleep in each other's arms.
Somehow, she felt the safest and most loved that she had ever been in her life at that moment. Despite her aching sadness at the death of her mentor, both in computers and in her burgeoning desire to learn magic. She knew that Buffy was mad at Jenny for the whole 'secret gypsy spy' deal and kind of blamed her for Angel losing his soul, but she couldn't help feeling for the woman; she was just being loyal to her people. Anyway, despite that sorrow, and how horrible she felt for Giles, she still cherished that brief snippet of time; cuddled up in the arms of the woman she loved, even if that woman didn't know of her feelings.
Immediately on the heels of that warm, cozy memory came the bad thoughts. Mind-numbing fear and self-revulsion at the events of this morning. Her arm dropped back to her side as fresh tears of pain descended the well traveled path down her cheeks.
She didn't even notice as the pounding stopped and the door opened. Her keening wail drowned out the footsteps running through the house and the voice of her childhood friend calling her name.
So it was that Xander found her, on the floor, knees drawn tightly up against her chest, face in her hands and sobbing.
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Xander's heart wept at the sight of his best friend since forever huddled on the floor, crying her eyes out. He was at her side in an instant, gently stroking her hair as he tried to find out what the hell had happened to hurt his Willow so badly. "If Buffy did this to her, I'll kill her!" he swore to himself.
"Wills, come on, its me. What happened?" Xander asked, his tenderness and concern evident in his voice.
Willow shook her head, too choked up to make a sound other than the high-pitched keening that tore forth from her throat as she cried, her entire body shaking with the overflowing emotional torment.
Xander wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, cuddling her against his chest and letting her pour out her pain onto him while he stroked her hair and rocked her gently. His own tears of frustration, anger and sadness wet his face as hers soaked his shirt. He decided to let her cry herself out before trying to find out what happened. Not patient by nature, he forced himself to provide whatever he could for the woman to whom he owed his very sanity.
Finally, after about 5 minutes, her tears subsided enough to speak.
"Xander!" she wailed, her voice agonized. "I- I ruined everything, Buffy hates me. What am I going to do?" Her question carried a sense of terrible despair.
Xander never let up soothingly combing his fingers through her long red hair. "Buffy could never hate you, Wills," Xander said with absolute certainty. "Tell me what happened," he gently asked.
Willow pulled away from him, saying, "I- I... I can't! You'll hate me too!"
Xander pulled her back to him, holding her tightly. "Not possible. I could never hate you. I could be angry or sad, or confused, but I could never hate you. Not even if I tried. You're my best friend in the whole world, Willow. Nothing could ever change that."
Willow shook her head, convinced that her behavior was so reprehensible that it was beyond forgiveness. She almost wanted Xander to hate her- to tell her what a horrible person she was. "You *should* hate me, I deserve it! I'm bad... dirty. Bad, horrid, evil, Willow."
Xander cut off her tirade. "Just tell me, Wills. What Happened?"
Willow whispered so low that Xander couldn't quite hear her.
"What?" he asked.
It had been almost impossible to say it in the first place, and now she had to repeat it? She forced it out in a strangled yell, "I raped Buffy!" She held her breath waiting for him to push her away, to tell her he never wanted to see her again. She just knew that her life was over. Her parent's hated her- why else would they leave her alone while they traveled away every chance they got? Now Buffy hated her and Xander...
Her self-flagellation was cut short when she realized that Xander wasn't pushing her away... He was... He was laughing at her!
Willow screamed, "It's not funny! I raped my best friend!" She goggled at him as he laughed even louder. "How can you laugh at me?! It's not funny!" she began to beat on his chest as she yelled "It's not funny!" over and over.
Xander finally managed to control himself. He grabbed her hands and forced her to look at him.
"Willow! Buffy is a slayer!" he said slowly, as though explaining a simple concept to an incredibly slow child.
Willow just looked baffled by his apparent non sequitur.
Xander let go of her enough so he could look into her eyes. He explained- "Do you really think you could do something to her, that she didn't want you to do?"
Willow just stared at him, like a monkey trying to solve a math problem.
Xander's smile of humor softened into one of love for his dear, totally insecure, best friend. "Hello, Slayer strength? Slayer reflexes? Can take out a pack of vamps quicker than you can say 'Mmm, dusty!'?" he paused, looking for some indicator of comprehension from her. "Come on, Willow! You're the big brain around here, figure it out! Unless you gave her a handful of rufies first, if you tried to do something Buffy didn't want you to do... she would have stopped you!"
"I- I-" Willow stuttered and then just stopped, a look of frustration and confusion on her face.
Xander tenderly cupped Willow's cheek, "Tell me what happened."
Willow's eyes got huge and she blushed furiously. "Xander! I can't..."
Xander interrupted her, "I don't need *those* details, Wills. I mean, I *want* them..." He mugged at her, trying for at least a smile, if not an outright giggle.
Willow slapped his chest. "Xander!" she said loudly, acting outraged.
Xander caught the hint of a grin under the outrage and chalked that one up as 'mission accomplished.' "Just give me an overview. What makes you think you..."
"Raped Buffy?" Willow said harshly. She pulled herself out of his arms and sat down next to him, her eyes on the floor. "I was having a dream, uh... about..." she trailed off, not believing she was about to say this, to Xander of all people.
Xander had to literally bite his tongue to keep from speaking, but he sensed that any interruption at this point would at least detract her, if not cause her to shut him out entirely. He was burning with the need to know what happened, not just because he was curious, or because the thought of his two best friends engaged in smoochies turned him on like a light- which, by the way it did- but because he knew Willow. And, he knew Buffy. The former being the princess of self-blame, the latter being the queen of poor communication. He just knew that; whatever had happened, Willow was probably misinterpreting it so that it was her fault, and Buffy was probably refusing to speak about it.
Willow kept her eyes locked on her hands, which were tightly clasped in her lap. She was surprised that Xander wasn't saying anything, and she hoped he kept it up. It was going to be hard enough to say this at all, let alone twice. She still expected Xander to hate her when she told him what she had done, but she thought it no less than what she deserved.
Taking a deep shuddering breath, she began again, "I was dreaming. About Buffy. W-We were doing... stuff..."
She had to pause for a moment as the memories of that intense dream replayed in her head.
She had dreamed about Buffy lots of times, but never like this before. Hot, hard, passionate... dark. It had been the most graphic dream she'd ever had about anyone, let alone Buffy. She must have let Buffy's 'dominatrix comment really get to her, because in her dream, that's exactly what she was. Leather thigh boots and a leather corset had been her only covering- leaving all the naughty parts uncovered! She had Buffy tied down; spread eagle, gagged and blindfolded. Willow had been pumping her fingers into Buffy mercilessly. Hard and fast, her other hand groping Buffy's breasts, pinching and tugging on her nipples, kneading the soft, pliant flesh; her only goal to make Buffy lose control like she never had before. The sounds Buffy had made, screaming into the gag... Well, they pretty much matched the sounds she woke up to- Buffy screaming into her pillow as her body shivered and shuddered through her climax.
Xander felt himself begin to stiffen in his pants- Willow was clearly reminiscing about her dream. She wasn't saying a word, but her breathing was becoming labored, and her face was flushed bright red. "Wow! Must have been some dream!" he thought.
Breaking herself away from the intense memories, Willow recalled the next part- where the wonder turned to horror. "And w- when I woke up..." Tears began to fall once again as she brokenly continued, "I- I was... I was..." she sniffled mightily. "I was really doing that to her," she said with a sob.
Before she could break down again, Xander quickly asked her, "What did Buffy do?"
Willow was startled by the question. "Huh? What do you mean?"
Xander goggled momentarily, "What did she do? Was she awake; was she asleep? Did she do anything or say anything? Did she slap you, or kiss you, or what?"
Willow's self castigating reminiscence had never gone as far as Buffy's response, and she had to think about it for a moment. "Awake, definitely. She... had her pillow pushed up against her face... and she was screaming..."
Xander asked, "Was she screaming like 'Oh God, the pain!'? Or..."
Willow remembered the scream as it dwindled into a moan, and she thought of the evidence of Buffy's climax on her hand when she pulled away. She also remembered how much she had wanted to put those fingers in her mouth and taste the slayer's passion. "Or!" she shouted- blushing profusely, but not wanting Xander to actually verbalize it.
"I think... 'or'." Nodding her head as though agreeing with herself, she added, "Definitely 'or'."
"Then what happened?" Xander asked, ruthlessly suppressing his natural instinct to crack a joke about how good Willow was.
Willow was ashamed to admit that she ran away at that point, but it was the truth, and besides, how bad could that be compared to everything else she had just admitted? "I, uh... I got up and ran in here."
"You didn't say anything?" Xander asked incredulously.
"I- I don't..." she began, trying to think. "I don't remember. I... I just had to get away." She stammered.
"When did all this go down?" Xander asked, trying to imagine where Buffy must have gone.
Willow tried to think, "I don't know. It was still dark, I think."
"Willow! It's after noon! Have you been sitting in her since before sunrise?" he asked, pain in his voice at the thought of his best friend spending seven or eight hours beating herself up over this.
"I fell asleep. I just woke up before you came." She said in a little girl voice, as though he was reprimanding her.
Xander softened instantly- putting aside his anger over this whole situation to care for his friend. "Come on, Wills. Let's get you up. At least let's go back to your room..." he began.
"NO!" Willow shouted, then dropped her head, mortified at her reaction. "Please Xander... I can't... not yet..." she begged him to understand.
Xander got it: 'scene of the crime.' She couldn't face the place where she had done this- in her mind- terrible thing. "Shh, it's ok, Wills. Look- let me get you some clothes, then you'll take a shower and I'll go and make some breakfast. Ok? And then we can talk some more," he said as he pulled her up to her feet with him, steadying her as she wobbled a bit.
Willow put her hand on his arm as he was about to leave, "Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked. "After what I did? And I know how you feel about..."
Xander cut her off by putting his finger to her lips. "Look, It's obvious that you have a thing for Buffy. I've seen the way you look at her lately. I know you have been falling in love with her."
Willow gasped to hear Xander casually reveal what she had been thinking of as her deep, dark secret.
Xander smiled, "I'm not as clueless as you guys think." He said. At her raised brow, he clarified, "Not always at least."
She almost smiled in return.
Xander continued. "You guys need to work this out. Either she has feelings for you, or she doesn't."
"She doesn't." Willow said as though it were written in stone.
Xander smiled at Willow's typical insecurity. "Yeah? Well, I'm not so sure. Either way, take it from someone who knows- even if she doesn't; you can get past it and still be friends."
Willow felt even more guilty. She knew Xander loved Buffy too. She had spent many hours consoling her friend after Buffy rejected him. "Xander, I..."
Xander interrupted, not wanting Willow to beat herself up over this as well, "Willow, come on. I've moved on. Hello, Cordelia? Relationship? I'm good."
Willow gave him a look that clearly conveyed the fact that she didn't believe him.
Xander smiled at that 'Classical Willow' look. "Yeah, I'll always have feelings for her. But, I've accepted the fact that she won't. Have feelings for me that is." Reverting to his joking nature, he added, "Besides, just the thought of the two of you together is enough to give me a happy."
"Xander!" Willow shouted- mock outraged- and smacking him on the arm. She chuckled at his 'typical male' behavior.
Xander grinned, happy knowing that he had made her laugh. "Seriously, Wills. I know you love her as much as I do. I'd much rather see her with you than Angel, or Owen... or anyone else on the planet who isn't me..." Before she could further protest the impossibility of a relationship between her and Buffy, Xander firmly said, "Shower. Dressed. Breakfast. No talking allowed until those three things have been accomplished!"
He turned to walk away but stopped at the door. He looked over his shoulder at her- standing there looking pathetic and sad. Emotion choking his voice, he said, "I love you Wills. You're my best friend in the whole world. You always have been and you always will be. No matter what." Then he left to go get her something to wear.
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