Stranger In My House
by Shyfox
Sometimes I Forget
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Chapter two: Sometimes I forget
lyrics by Doug Stone
Sometimes I forget, and reach across the bed.
In that early morning light you're in my arms again.
Lights. Motion. Music. She swam in a daze of erotic feeling, sensing the pull of her lover as they became one, spinning into the heavens on a cloud of red hot passion. She could feel her lover beside her, and yet she wasn't able to make out either the size or shape of her partner in the dazzling brightness.
She heard her name being called, like a whisper on the wind echoing through a long tranquil night, and something inside of her stirred at the sound....drawing closer to the familiar, as it recognized a soul deep connection.
"I love you." The voice echoed again, growing distant as the form began to move away from her.
"Don't go." She whimpered, feeling an immediate sense of loss at the departure. "I just found you!" She cried, growing desperate as no answer came from her plea.
The voice returned, casting a balm over her soul as she heard it's reassuring words. "It won't be long, and I won't be far. All you have to do is look for me." A soft impression of a kiss was placed upon her cheek and then the voice was gone, leaving her confused and alone.
*****
In the early hours of the morning, Buffy woke in her strange, new house, searching the empty space beside her with a roaming hand. It was almost as if she expected somebody to be there, even though she had gone to bed alone. She stared pensively around the room, wondering why she felt like she was missing something important. More important than even her absent memory.
When I'm only half awake, I softly call your name.
For a moment you're with me, and I can still believe it will always be this way.
The redhead was still, except for the rhythmic motions of her chest moving up and down as she breathed. Her fingers twitched on the soft fur of the panda bear she was holding tightly in her arms, and eyes moved endlessly beneath closed eyelids as the dreamer was caught in REM sleep. She thought for a moment that she heard someone calling to her, and she tried to answer back but her tongue seemed to be lodged permanently to the roof of her mouth.
But the voice continued to hound her, and she stirred then, emitting a low grunt as she grew frustrated by the insistent calling of her name. "Buffy?" Her brows furrowed, even though her eyes were still shut tight as she waited for the returning sound of her lover. She waited half a beat, then called for her again, growing confused at the continued silence, where there was once a voice. Bright green eyes popped open, and scanned the room as she tried to remember where she was. The different but still recognizable decor sank in amongst her senses, completing the picture for her half asleep brain. For a moment she had forgotten, in her dreams she had been taken back, almost magically, to the days when all she had to worry about was what color to paint the nursery. When Buffy had wrapped her up in her arms at night and held her like she was the most precious thing on Earth. Now as she woke to the harsh reality of Giles' bedroom, the sun beaming merrily in through the window, almost mocking her with its cheerful nature, all Willow really wanted to do was bury her head under the pillow and go back to her dream world, where at least she could still be by Buffy's side.
*****
But sometimes I forget in the middle of the day.
Lost in my routine and for a while I'm okay.
Things didn't seem as confusing when she was focused on something, like doing the dishes, or helping her mom to make supper. In between the chores, the two women would talk, Buffy mostly asking questions about herself and other people and Joyce trying to answer them as best she could.
The one thing Joyce hadn't been able to explain away was the phone conversation Buffy had overheard earlier in the day. She had called Giles to see how Willow was making out, as worried about the poor girl as she had been when her daughter-in-law had left the day before.
Worried even more when Giles told her Willow hadn't emerged from the room, except to use the bathroom and get drinks of water, even refusing the breakfast Giles had meticulously prepared. Neither had she shown any signs of interest when he had asked what she wanted for lunch. She had hoped Xander's visit would cheer her up in the afternoon, and after hanging up with Giles, had been staring pensively out the window, when Buffy had asked her what was wrong with Willow.
For a moment she had been lost for words, wondering how much her daughter had overheard, then had just decided to be as honest as she could be without revealing too much information. "She's just really worried about you, honey."
Buffy had frowned at that, recalling how little Willow had actually visited her in the hospital, and the fact that the red- head hadn't been to visit her since she got home. "Then why hasn't she been around? I mean, if we're friends, why is she avoiding me?"
Joyce, who had felt like she'd opened the biggest can of worms, had set her steaming cup of coffee down on the countertop, as she tried to find some way to explain Willow's absense. As she searched fruitlessly for the right words to say, Buffy watched her mother, seeing the worry lines that crinkled around the corners of her eyes. Buffy knew that the answer to this question was important to her, though she couldn't fathom why. There was a piece to this puzzle that just wasn't fitting.
"She's trying to adjust, honey. You two have been friends for so long, that...it's kind of strange for her that you don't remember her." The words felt wrong coming out, but Buffy seemed to accept them in the way they were intended.
Buffy had nodded, pondering the words and the meaning behind them as she had left her mother alone in the kitchen. She still felt like the whole situation was weird, but maybe that was to be expected. It was true that she didn't remember them, maybe they didn't know how to act around her anymore, either.
*****
I might laugh and carry on while I'm talking with a friend.
Like everythings not wrong, like you're not really gone.
Sometimes I forget.
Xander's visit had picked up her spirits a little, Willow was surprised to discover, and her oldest friend in the world had gone all out, going so far as to do the Scooby dance for fifteen minutes straight, until she had to practically beg him to stop, tears of laughter falling steadily down her pale cheeks.
"Thanks Xander, I really needed that." She had said, when he'd finally crashed down on the sofa, panting as he tried to get his breath back from dancing.
"Anytime you need a pick me up, I'm your man." He said, nonchalently, a bright grin on his face, glad to see some of the life returning to the former ebullient green eyes.
The room started to go quiet again, as Willow started to sink back into her sadness, and Xander found himself not wanting to let that happen. "Hey, what do you say we go get a pizza?" Giles told him that she hadn't been eating, and said that if he could get her out of the house, he'd pay for wherever they went.
Willow felt her stomach turn at the mere thought of all that red, tomatoey sauce, and shook her head quickly. "No thanks, Xander. I'm not really...hungry." In fact, she had to swallow just to keep down whatever stomach acids that were remaining.
"Well...we don't have to get Pizza, you know. I'll take you anywhere you want. Come on, what do you say?" He prodded, trying to encourage her into the excursion.
Willow had looked at him doubtfully, but seeing the worried expression in his deep brown eyes, almost hidden by the jovial expression on his face, she decided to cut him, and indeed everyone, some slack by not making them worry so much about her. It was true they had enough to worry about with Buffy's amnesia, she really didn't need to be adding herself onto the list. "You know what I could really go for?" She asked, trying to perk herself up.
"I'm all ears." Xander said, the twinkle returning to his eyes. She studied his ears dubiously for a moment, jokingly, before he pushed her away gently, a mock scolding expression on his face. "Come on, Will. Tell me."
"A McDonalds Hamburger." She chirped.
"Do you wan't fries with that?" Xander joked, as he got their coats. "I'll even treat you to one of those leafy green salad thingies."
Willow had to roll her eyes at that, Buffy's influence had obviously rubbed off on all of her friends as well. By the time they were done feeding her with leafy green veggies she'd be very much surprised if she hadn't turned into a rabbit. "Okay...come on."
*****
All at once the truth comes rushing back to me.
I remember I'm barely hanging on.
It takes all the strength I have, just to make it pass.
One more hour on my own.
Going to McDonalds had seemed, at the time, a pretty good idea. She hadn't counted on the amount of kids that normally populate the well loved 'kiddie' restaurant. She looked around at the kids playing on the playsets, saw them running up to embrace their 'Mommies' and 'Daddies' when it was time to leave, saw the worried expressions on other parents faces when their kids hurt themselves while playing.
Every tiny face reminded her of her present situation. Every couple reminded her of what she'd hoped to be doing with Buffy some day, taking care of their child together. It was almost more than she could bear, watching the happy and not so happy parents, working together to raise their family. She guzzled down her food, barely tasting it as she tried to get the ordeal over with as quickly as possible.
Xander watched her face, knew what she must be thinking as her eyes traveled over the kids on the playground. He couldn't help feeling sorry for her, even though he knew deep down everything would work out right in the end...it just had to. He just couldn't see Buffy never remembering the love that he had seen burn between his two best friends. He couldn't bring himself even to acknowledge the fact that she might not ever know her own daughter, not with how excited she had been since finding out. He still remembered the excited glow that had been on her face as she had insisted on showing him every sonagram picture, taking great care to point out the curve of the baby's head, and the way she sucked on her thumb, even inside of Willow's womb.
"You wanna go?" He asked, quietly, waiting until her eyes met his before he dropped them, unable to bear the look of grief that filled them.
She nodded, gathering her things, and they both left the restaurant, each determined not to mention what had happened in there.
*****
Sometimes I forget.
That's how I'd like to stay.
For a moment I can feel, the way I used to feel.
Before you went away.
The day ended like it had began, each thinking of the other, though neither of them knew it at the time. Willow sat on the bed, her arms wrapped around her giant panda bear, as she felt her baby merrily kicking around inside of her. She was reminded constantly of the first time it had happened, and the expression that had been on her love's face as she had felt how strong their daughter was. Her heart ached to see that look again. She ached just to see her again, to see those eyes shining with wonder. Their time together had been so short, and so beautiful. She wasn't ready for that time to end. Not yet.
Buffy sat unwittingly in the same position on her bed, staring at the photograph that she had found on her dresser. She had no idea why she spent so much time looking at it, except that it gave her an inner sense of peace, something that she desperately needed now when everything was so uncertain. All of the details and facts she had been told held no real meaning for her, if she couldn't remember the events taking place, how could they. The only thing that seemed to have any real meaning for her was this picture clasped tightly in her hands. She would remember this person, she promised herself. She would find out why this person seemed to hold the key to her soul.
*****