The Longest Night
by Casandra
The Longest Night
[reviews]
The Longest Night
Author: Casandra
Date: December 2001
Email: rozwellrulz@aol.com
Disclaimer: I of course own nothing here. It all belongs to that evil naughty mastermind Joss and company. Also the basic theme idea credit should go to Charles Dickens for writing 'A Christmas Carol'
Rating: PG-13 for a tiny brief mention of sex
Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman in a romantic relationship doesn't sit well with you, well then you better avert your eyes from this fic.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow. Well at least eventually, it might take me a little while to get there.
Spoilers: Anything is kinda open fare here, but a part particularly pertains to 'Lie To Me'. Also stuff that happened in 'The Gift' is kinda prevalent in parts of the fic.
Distribution: Sure be my guest and take it. But please drop me a note and let me know where I can find it.
Feedback: What can I say, I really enjoy it when someone responds to my writing. Doesn't matter if it's praise or criticism, anything is appreciated.
Summary: Well I'm attempting to spin 'A Christmas Carol' into a Buffy/Willow fic. Buffy is haunted by the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future. Told basically from Buffy's POV
Author's Note: Well I wanted to try and write a holiday fic and brighten up my spirits since Buffy has been so dark this season. And I'm having a bit of trouble writing post mortem Buffy, so please bear with me. Anyway, I'm not even explaining myself very well so I might as well just get on with the fic
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I used to love Christmas as a kid, running down the stairs on Christmas morning and tearing through all the presents under the tree. Life is easy when you're a child, everything is seen through eyes still untouched by the harshness of the real world. A child has an innocence about them that is lost to the jaded adult world. I crave for that innocence now, I've wished so many times in the last 6 years to just be a kid again. To see everything through that un-jaded un-cynical way that only a child can. But I can't, I lost my innocence at a much younger age than most people. And I can't help but be resentful of that. And I also can't help but feel a bit guilty for ripping that away from my friends. Because the minute they stepped into my world, my dark despairing world, I knew it was only a matter of time before that innocence was lost. But one thing, one person has always made me question my theory that all adults are jaded and cynical.
Willow.
She has always amazed me. 6 years ago she chose to walk the dark path with me, just like Xander. She always remained the same cheery, happy go lucky, every cloud has a silver lining, girl that I met at the water fountain that first day at Sunnydale High. In all the years I've known her she's always been the soul of the Scoobies, she's always helped us to see the positive in everything. Maybe that's why I clung so tightly to our friendship all these years. She's the light to my dark. And I know without a doubt that if she had not been by my side through all the battles I've faced that the darkness would have consumed me long ago.
Dracula said that my Slayer powers were rooted in darkness, and even though I denied it out loud, internally I knew that he was right. Because I can feel the power in me all the time. I can feel the conflict of light and dark screaming through my blood. And it scared me to know that I could go either way in the war I had been fighting. Willow has kept me grounded though, she made the choice so easy for me. All I had to do was look at her smile, the twinkle in her gorgeous emerald eyes and I wouldn't even question myself anymore. I thanked God all the time for Willow being the person she is, despite having a vampire slayer for a best friend. Knowing me didn't rip away her innocence like I was so sure it would, like it subtly did to Xander.
But I knew it would only be a matter of time before something so terrible happened that Will would have that sweet, gentle childlike quality that I loved about her, stolen away. I was scared to see that day, scared for her, but even more scared for myself. Because I was so afraid I'd lose my best friend. Finally that day did come, and I was right, I did lose her, I can feel that now. She had that innocence stripped away and I'm the one responsible.
Since I've been back in the land of the living the gang has come to me one by one and told me about what happened after I leapt off that tower. Dawn was the first to approach me about it. Leave it to my kid sister to be the first one to talk to me about my death. She always was quite the blunt little thing. I was a little bit surprised though that person she talked most about was Willow. In fact all of them, one by one, came to me about Willow and what happened after my little header into the great beyond.
Dawn told me how Willow had rushed over to my body a few moments after it fell and tried to perform CPR on me. How Giles and Tara tried to pull her away from me, insisting there was nothing she could do, I was gone. Dawn told me that Willow practically growled at Tara when she tried to comfort the distraught redhead. Apparently Willow sat there for almost an hour pumping my chest and trying to make my empty lungs breathe. Finally she ended up passing out from exhaustion and Spike carried her home. When Dawn had related what happened in the hours after I died I had been filled with a tremendous feeling of guilt. Because in that moment I knew I had been the one that had stripped Willow's innocence away. I took her best friend away from her, she had to watch me die. I try not to believe that it's my ego talking when I think like that, because I know that if I hadn't been the Slayer, and I had to watch Willow perish, it would have done the exact same thing to me.
A few days after Dawn and I had out little chat, Xander came to me with a story of his own. Again I was surprised when he seemed to focus on Willow.
After they had laid me to rest everyone went back to Giles apartment to try and settle down. Everyone except Willow, she stayed behind at my gravesite. Xander told me how he tried to convince her to come back to Giles' but she would hear nothing of it. In fact he said that it was like she wasn't even aware of his presence, she just kept staring at the headstone, tracing the letters of my name with the tips of her fingers. He had finally left her alone when Tara insisted she could take care of herself, that she just needed time to say goodbye to me. But when she didn't come back by dark he had gone back to get her. Xander found her curled up against the marker, gently sobbing as she shallowly slept. He had scooped her up and carried her back to Giles house and tucked her into his bed. He told me the whole way home she kept murmuring my name and saying she was so sorry. I remember Xander looked near tears as he told me how devastated our best friend had been.
I was most surprised though when almost two weeks later Tara came to me. Out of all of us I had known her the least amount of time, and even though I really liked the girl, I was a little shocked when she wanted to tell me her own tale. I wasn't surprised however when she told me it was about Willow. It was becoming a theme and I hated it, because I've always been loathe to cause Will any pain. And the stories they were relating to me were just downright awful for me to listen to. But Tara's story didn't make me sad, it filled me with so much pride and love that for a moment I forgot how miserable I've been seen returning to the mortal world. Tara actually seemed rather proud herself as she told me how Willow had taken charge of everything after my passing. She put aside her grief a few weeks after the final battle with Glory and stepped into my leadership role. She fixed the 'Me' Bot so Sunnydale wouldn't be left completely unprotected. That was my Will, always thinking of other people before herself. I was glad to know that my death hadn't changed her completely. Tara also told me how insistent Willow had been that they move into my house to take care of Dawn. Willow had kept saying that she needed to make sure that Dawn would be ok, she had to at least do that for me, I would have wanted her to take care of my little sister. She knew I died to protect Dawn and Willow was determined to make sure it wasn't in vain.
What Willow didn't know and what I didn't exactly offer up to Tara, was that I didn't just die for Dawn, I did it for all of them. If I wouldn't have jumped into that portal we all would have been killed. And I wasn't about to watch all my friends die when there was something I could do to stop it. If I would have let Dawn jump it would have destroyed me. I know I would have given up and turned to the dark side and, for once, Willow would have been powerless to stop it. And I knew I would have dragged them all down with me.
As I sit here with a cup of cocoa in my hand, watching the lights flicker on the Christmas tree, thinking of the stories my friends have told me about Willow, I feel more despair than I thought possible. I've been in such a dark place since I've been back. And I think the only way I knew how to deal with that was to turn to Spike. To turn to something equally as dark as I've become. But once was enough to open up my eyes and see that Spike's not the answer. I was so lost in my own pity and pain that I didn't even realize what was happening to Willow. And I know that if something worse had happened to Dawn because of it I would have lost both of them forever. The haunted look in Will's eyes scared me more than almost anything. Because I know that look, I've had that look. And the person who always chased it away was now wearing it.
Since that night almost a month ago she's been trying so hard to prove herself to me, to Dawn, to everyone. I haven't seen her use magic since then and I can't help but be a little proud of her. But I still can't figure out how to help her. How am I supposed to chase away the darkness when I'm a part of it?
Dawn and Willow are getting along much better now, so I'm at least thankful for that. In fact it was Dawn's idea to get the tree this year, she thought it would cheer Will and me up. But as beautiful as it is, all it does is make me sad. It makes me think of the Christmas that Angel almost killed himself. And of last year when we spent the better part of the holiday season in and out of hospitals with Mom. Although the thought of my tiny Jewish Santa does ease the despair for a moment. But it is quickly replaced by the thought that this will be the first Christmas without Mom. And here I thought it didn't get any worse! I'm completely trapped by this dark despair, it's engulfing me like a thick heavy fog. And I don't have any idea how to get out. And as loathe as I am to admit it, I'm not sure I want to.
Suddenly, just as that last thought crosses my mind, the metaphorical fog that I had just been thinking about rolls into my living room, followed by a ghostly white apparition. I see the tattered jeans and the iron chains hanging off the bony limbs. Slowly I draw my eyes up to its face, beginning to wonder if I had somehow been whisked into a Charles Dickens novel. I didn't need to wonder anymore though when I saw who the ghost was.
"Ford?"
End Part 1