Down Twisted
by drkdreamer
Chapter 16
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Buffy and Willow chose to make no comments as they watched a sardonically bitter pall over take the Southerner's tightly compressed lips. It became very evident, to both girl's, that This was what weighed so heavily upon the older woman's tired looking shoulders. Slayer and Witch simply sat there, lost in their own dark thoughts, as Alex picked back up the often black strands of her formative years.
"Exactly two days later, I was standing in the middle of my driveway mutely watching as the best thing to EVER happen to me was slowly driven out of my existence. I was mired in a huge amount of emotional pain, as I'm sure ya'll can dig, and my only course for combating those emotions was to hole up underneath my covers for the rest of that bleak afternoon. Was in a very dark place and I knew I'd better find some way to control the feelings that where threatening to overwhelm me. Gave thought to taking the easy route and simply retreating within myself once again but I strongly sensed that I lacked the tools to bring myself back out of my self imposed exile. In out times together, Mike and Amy had gifted me with a multitude of things, not the least was which helping me regain the ability to feel my own emotions. I simply didn't want to lose that part of myself and, besides, I was hell-bent on being an adult that my people would still wish to know. It was, in all honesty, my only goal. "
Alex paused, momentarily, to catch a breath turning blind eyes to the twin stunned expressions splashed across Willow and Buffy's faces. Past experiences, with Brett and Scott, had taught her that most people simply weren't equipped to handle all the bombshells of hearing about her first loves. Alexandra Katherine Roberts put that thought from her head and forged on with her painful tale, well aware that morning would come all too soon.
"It was, if I do say so myself, one of the lowest points of my entire existence. Left me in a terrifically depressed mood and I've never be one to wear that emotion very well. Thank any God of you choosing, my survivor instincts kicked in because I somehow managed to hide it from almost everybody at home. Brett was the sole person to pick up on my emotional pain, he always did see me far too clearly for his own good. I could tell that my funk was bothering that boy, though I had no way to alleviate his discomfort. After about four days, Brett had enough of the whole situation. Cornered me out in the garage and asked what the Hell was wrong with me. It shocked me, to tell ya the truth, and I made no reply. My bud was an intelligent kid, he'd put two and two together and realized my mood had changed with Amy and Mike's leaving. He said something to the effect of why was I so upset by Jess's family members moving because, surely, they meant little or nothing to me. I started to explain my rather complicated relationship with my people but Brett would have none of that. He pissed me off by saying that Mike and Amy where no better than child abusers. I told him that was an unmitigatedly stupid thing to say. My friend shook his head and, with an utterly pitying look in his eyes, proceeded to say that my people must have found some way to brainwash me!
"My anger level, which had started with his first comment, mushroomed up another level even though, I damn well knew he knew nothing about my real abuser. Some part of me realized this and I was desperately trying to persuade myself not to say anything to hurt that boy. It probably would have worked but Brett just couldn't let it go. It pains me to say that I ripped the shroud off my emotions and, literally, ripped into my best friend. I spared Brett nothing and explained, in extremely graphic details, who had hurt me--everything that had been done to me--that I'd been forced to do certain acts upon my abuser and exactly the person I'd been when I first met Amy and Mike. I then proceeded to describe the vast differences between the six year old I'd been and the 10 year old who stood before him. I didn't tell Brett, at least not that day, about our last time together because I quickly realized he would have issues with what had almost occurred between me and my people.
"My coldly spoken words caused that boy to cry and I felt truly horrible about doing that to my bud. Surprised me utterly by wrapping both strong arms around my waist and simply holding me. I couldn't really stay angry with Bretten Shea Matthew's, not when his only transgression had simply been being concerned about my well being. Our friendship grew progressively stronger after that day and he became my sole confidant. We could talk about anything, even the horrors of my wasted youth, and Brett would never again judge me harshly. It was with his help, and total support, that I worked out the remaining issues of my molestation. I felt an extreme amount of guilt over the fact that, even though I knew my abuser had died, I still wanted to gut him myself. Brett helped me channel my rage into more positive aspects and, for that, he will always have my eternal gratitude.
"As I told the Slayer, Will, I didn't realize that he was attracted to me until our sophomore year of high school. I was extremely flattered but I immediately put blocks around myself. He was my best friend, my safe haven, my only confidant and, even though he was a damn good looking dude, I refused to risk our friendship over something as trivial as mere sex. In retrospect, it was a God damn stupid position to take. My fucking honor cost me 720 days I could have been loving Brett and I would give just about anything to have those days back. When I made that decision, I did knowing bloody well that it wouldn't have been just sex with my bud. That's right, ladies, I willingly chose to delude myself! In the process, I almost lost the friendship I'd put so much stock into. I'm still amazed that, somehow, me and Brett where able to salvage it the best that we did. Wasn't until our senior year that we finally came together as a couple and, God, but was it pure magic, Will. Brett held no part of himself back and loved me with his entire being. When we would touch, and I don't mean in a sexual way, I could literally see his heart in our every look and feel his beautiful soul in each caress.
"To my total delight, I discovered that Brett possessed a romantic streak a mile wide. He made it his mission to make damn sure that my every romantic whim was totally fulfilled and he wasn't afraid to use all his own creativity to make it happen. Flowers where an everyday occurrence, I was glad my love realized he didn't have to spend a shitload of money on a dozen roses to make me happy. Peach roses where our favorite and Brett used those sweet smelling flowers in a variety of ways. He also enjoyed dancing, one of our fave things was to dance underneath the canopy of stars in the field behind his house. Brett Matthew's was never afraid to tell me he loved me no matter if we happened to be: at school, in his or my home, at the movies, down at the park, at the mall or etc. We had such a short time as a couple and I was blessed to have everything I ever wanted with him. When he died, I lost the best part of myself.
"On the day we buried my beautiful love I, in essence, placed the biggest majority of my heart inside the cherry wood casket me and the Matthews had picked out. The monumental loss of losing Brett came damn close to utterly destroying me but I, somehow, persevered. The next 7 years where a very lean time for me, emotionally speaking. Still had my folk's, other family members, Jess and the occasional letter or phone call from Mike and Amy to tide me over. Wasn't enough, I truly thought Brett's death had robbed me of the ability to love another person. When I found Scott, quite by accident, in my 25th year it surprised me utterly that I could admit to myself that it would be relatively easy to love that man. No lie, Scott Maddox is the greatest miracle to occur to me in my entire adulthood. We just instantly connected, despite the fact he was a happily gay man and I'm, well, me. We also had a surprising amount in common and he'd laughingly say that it was all kinda freaky. I asked him what he meant by that. His thoughtful reply was dead on the money.
"He said to me, 'You know, Alex, it was a one in a billion chance that we'd find each other. Add to that, we like the same desserts, movies, TV shows, music and also share a wickedly twisted sense of humor. It's a shame there's no blood between us because I'd be proud to claim you as a family member, Alexandra Roberts.'
"I had to laugh before I could say that, sometimes, you can find your second family without ever even looking for them. I also confessed that he was like the big brother I'd always wanted. He saved me from the entirety of my gray period, with such grace and beauty,I love Scott with all that is left in my heart. I simply never envisioned that he would be taken from me and in such a heinous way. When I discovered his butchered corpse, I knew my own personal darkness would rear up within me. I welcomed it, to be truthful. Another portion of my heart resides with Scott, there simply isn't enough left to offer to anybody else.. I exist now for one reason, to take care of Tom Skyton.
"I'm fully aware that there can be only three possible outcomes to our eventual encounter." Alex extended her hand and ticked off her options on her fingers; "A, is that I will spend the rest of my days rotting away in some jail after I kill him; B, as I deliver the killing blow he'll mortally wound me; or C, Skyton will have achieved his ultimate goal and, during the course of our battle, will turn me. Make no mistake, ladies, C is the worst option for everyone concerned. I, sincerely, regret having to ask you this, Buffy, but if I become one of the undead stake me as quickly as possible."
The red headed Wiccan was doubly horrified and instantly leaned forward to lock eyes with the older woman.
"Oh my God, Alex, you don't have to kill Skyton. Please, let us take care of this situation for you. We care too much about you to let you sacrifice yourself for something that will never bring you peace anyway."
Those word's, though heart felt, pained the dark woman. She cocked her head to the side, while pursing her lips, and sized up the younger woman.
"How is it, Willow, that living your whole life upon an actual Hellmouth you've not yet become jaded and hard?!?"
Alex Robert's never gave the girl a chance to answer that rather loaded question.
"I'm to add your names to the growing list of people who've wished to save me, no? This is one of life's hardest lessons and I'm truly sorry I'm going to be the one to teach it to you, Will. You cannot save everyone, no matter how much you might wish to do so. I'd have to first want to be saved and I do not. I realize that Cordelia also shares your views on this subject and I can only offer you all my most humble apologies. She tried, on numerous occasions, to talk me out of my decision. It didn't work then and certainly won't work now. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you both for caring so much about me. It wasn't expected nor did I figure on me caring about all you guys. I don't regret it and can only hope you'll feel the same once I'm gone.
"Listen to me carefully, my friend's, and heed these next word's well. Don't waste your pity upon me because I don't need or want that emotion. Try not to shed too many tears over my demise, I knew of that outcome when I chose to go on this quest. If I'm headed to jail, I beg you, don't come and visit me. It would do none of us any good so let's just avoid that fiasco all together. If I die, it will be well worth that price to rid the world of Tom Skyton's presence. All you need do, I that is to happen, is to contact my lawyer. His name and phone number are in the notebook on the top shelf of the bedroom closet.. He's fully aware of what I wish to have done with my body, I'll be buried along side Brett in Arkansas. If there's anything ya'll might want from my music and video collection then, by all means, take it. This house is rented until the end of next month because I didn't know how long I'd be in Sunnydale, your both welcomed to use it as you see fit. I'm leaving my car to you too, my lawyer will add your names to the title once you call him.
"I want my photo album buried with me but, Willow, babe, I'm leaving the picture of me and Brett with you. It's my only copy, Buffy, so I've chosen another photo for you, that is, if you want it. It's the one picture I have of me, Mike and Amy and was taken at my 10th birthday party. It's at the back of the album and, while your there, search out the photo of me and Scott surrounded by our friend's on New Year's Eve, it's my gift to Cordelia Chase. I also have an envelope, filled with the rest of my money, it's resides along side the notebook in my closet. I ask that you, please, see to it that Angel receives it. Yeah, I know he doesn't need it but he deserves something for getting me this far. As for my beloved weapons, those I leave in your capable hands, Buffy Summers. I dunno anyone else who'd get more use out of them than the famed Vampire Slayer. If you think there's anything Giles, Anya or Xander might want then, please give it to them. I've ear marked a cassette for our Mr. Harris, it's the one of Richard Pryor. I think he'll get big laughs from the standup routine, I know I always do. Whatever's left, donate to charity."
Buffy Summers felt highly uneasy from all that had just been said, Alex had things tied up into a far too perfect note for her tastes. It was as if, well, as if that woman knew things where ending and how could That be since Skyton hadn't even been located yet? Willow, for her part, had to accept the bitter pill of defeat. There was nothing she nor Buffy could say that would deter Alexandra Katherine Robert's from her chosen path of destruction and it was hard for the girl to comprehend. The Southerner, well aware that the growing silence meant she'd pushed things a little too far, attempted to back peddle just a bit.
"So tell me, Will, does That answer your original question?"
Sad green eyes locked upon clear gray in a moment that seemed to span an eternity.
"Yes, but one thing bothers me, Alex. Why do you believe jail is a viable option for killing Tom Skyton?"
"It's really quite simple," said the dark woman, " I'll be honor bound to phone the kill into Sunnydale's finest."
The hazel eyed blonde half snorted at the conviction in that voice. She didn't think the Southerner realized the ineptitude of the Sunnydale police force.
"Why is that, Alex, when you have no faith in the police to begin with?"
The dark haired woman whipped her head around to stare, intently, at the belligerent blonde.
"You misunderstand, Buffy. It's not that I lack faith, on the contrary. I firmly believe that, given enough time, the men in blue would catch Scott's killer.. I'm also certain, that if he was caught, he'd no doubt receive the death penalty. I simply take issue with all the senseless appeals that would be duly awarded to Thomas James Skyton. He could live for another 15 to 20 years on death row. Tell me why he should continue living when he never offered that option to any of his victims? We best drop this discussion about the death penalty because I'm sure we'd never agree upon it. The reason I'll make that call is the difference between me and Skyton. He has never once viewed his many victims as people, they are merely objects to be taken and discarded to that man. I can't find it within myself to disassociate the fact that he is human, and as such, belongs to somebody. I.E. he's a son, uncle, brother or friend to those people who believe that they know him the best. It wouldn't be right of me to deprive them a final good-bye. Do you understand?"
Both teens nodded, impressed that Alex seemed to know everything that came with killing another human being. Buffy, privately, was deeply satisfied that Alexandra Roberts hadn't given herself over to total vengeance.
It's good to know, she silently thought, that the demise of Skyton wouldn't be solely due to the weight of Alex's own pleasure.
The object of her thoughts stood, raised both arms above her head and stretched her tired muscles.
"Well, people," said Alex," I think it's high time we turn in for the night. We got a full day of hunting tomorrow and I want everyone rested for that activity."
The teens, heeding the wisdom of those word's and knowing nothing more could be said, stood and began walking towards the bedroom. Willow paused, however, just outside the door.
"Night, Alex. Maybe you'll see things differently in the morning."
The dark woman, hiding the pain from the hope in the red head's voice, sent the girl a brilliantly white smile. "Goodnight, sweetie."
Once the bedroom door was finally closed, Alex released the deep sigh she'd been with holding. It had went far better than she could have hoped and, luckily, they didn't suspect a thing. A quick glance at her wristwatch, revealed the time was now 12:45 am. There was just enough time to set out her clothes, gun, knife, crossbow and arrows and retrieve the letter she'd stuffed under the couch cushions earlier that afternoon. Alex found it, surprising, that her hand was rock steady as it withdrew her final good-bye to Buffy Summers and Willow Rosenberg. This letter contained everything she couldn't say when looking into their eyes, her most private thoughts and hopes. She took the note into the darkened kitchen, set it squarely in the middle of the table before trekking back to the living room and making out her bed. Alex lay down and took a series of deep, calming breaths, trying to blank her exhausted brain. As she began to drift off to sleep, her last thought was hoping that the Slayer and Witch would, eventually, come to understand why she'd kept the truth from them.