Tonight and the Rest of My Life
by Casandra
2
[reviews]
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Buffy POV
I cannot believe how good it is to feel Willow in my arms again. It seems like a lifetime since we've been so physically close with one another. It probably was another lifetime ago, at least from my perspective. That just makes this so much sweeter. Nothing matters at the moment. She doesn't belong with someone else. We're here, together, where we've always been meant to be. Nothing has ever felt more perfect.
I see her naturally start to inch closer to me, if that is even possible, we're practically melded into one another now as it is. I copy her action, fully intending to finally snare those sweet perfect lips with my own for the very first time. Just as we're about to come together my eye catches something over Willow's shoulder.
"What in the hell!?"
That is just SO not possible! I mean there is just no way in hell that I could be seeing what I think I'm seeing.
"Buffy?" I look back up into Willow's incredibly confused gaze and for a moment I forget what pulled me away from those luscious lips in the first place. But only for a moment. I smile a bit to reassure her that it was nothing she did, running the tips of my fingers along her brow, easing her perplexed expression as much as I can. As soon as I see her start to calm down, I turn her around in my embrace, keeping my hands firmly on her hips.
"Willow, please tell me you're not seeing what I'm seeing." I whisper in her ear. As upset as I am I can't help but be completely mellowed by our closeness. She just has the most taming effect on me. It's quite ridiculous at times. For years she'd go on patrol with me and I'd get into a fight, be all in the moment and everything. The second I dusted the vampire and turned back her way, I was completely with her. No fight seconds ago. I was completely at peace in her presence. And then we stopped patrolling together and that was that. I had almost forgotten what that felt like.
"Buff, I don't know what you................oh my god!" Apparently I'm not seeing things. And I so wish for once I were. Because that little talk that I was going to have with Dawn? Gonna have it right this second. And now I'm pissed, because this is taking precedence over Willow smoochies! "Buffy, did you know about them?" The 'them' in question is Dawn. And her apparent spit swapping partner. None other than Faith.
"I had no clue! I mean I knew she was coming here to see Faith. But I never realized how much of Faith she was seeing!" Oh it better not be more than what she's seeing now. Because if she's seen more of Faith than what her two sizes too small tank top and leather pants are showing right this second, she is grounded for the rest of her natural life.
"Wow, I never would have guessed." Willow leans back into my embrace. It's a casual movement, so natural, that I just as naturally move my hands from her hips, around her waist and lock my hands together, keeping her firmly in my arms. I rest my chin on her shoulder as we continue to unashamedly stare at the display going on not more than twenty feet from us. The music has sped up a bit again, not as slow as the ballad Willow and I were dancing to moments ago. But it's not a hard, fast pace. Faith and Dawn don't seem to notice either way though, they're too caught up in each other. Faith has her arms firmly wrapped around Dawnie's waist, running her hands gently up and down the lower portion of her back. Dawn has her head snuggled against Faith's shoulder, her nose seemingly buried in the dark shiny mane of hair that Faith seems to love to tease constantly. Willow and I continue to watch them, the familiarity with which they seem to dance, the closeness and gentleness of their embrace. I wonder how long this has been going on. "I wonder how long they've been together?" Willow voices my unasked question. She seems to take it for granted that they ARE together, and not just dancing.
"How do you know they're *together* Will, I mean maybe they just decided to dance?" Yep, denial isn't just a river in Egypt anymore.
"Come on Buffy! I mean look at them! They're all with the swoony eyes and the gentle touches. Look how close they're dancing together. They have to be a couple!" She leaves out the fact that *we* were dancing exactly like them not more then five minutes ago. And we're not a couple. Of course I kill my own logic with that right there, because I want more than anything to be a couple with Willow. Me being in love with her and everything.
Oh god! Does that mean that Faith and Dawn are in love!?
I can deal with them dancing. Honestly, I'm dealing here. That might just be because Willow is standing firmly encased in my arms. But it doesn't matter, because I'm dealing. But add in the factor that they might genuinely possibly be in love with each other? I'm on a direct flight to Wiggins City. I doubt even Willow will be able to calm me if that's really the case.
"So what are you going to do? Should we go over there and talk to them? Or wait until they get home?" Oh yes, wait until they get home so that they can do all sorts of very naughty things in the meantime.
"Like hell I'm going to let them keep doing THAT when I can put a stop to it!" Yep, I'm putting my foot down. The music has picked up again and the two of them are actually drawing an audience, the bumping and grinding is that bad. I reluctantly remove myself from Willow's warmth, and start the trek over to the, by now, rather large crowd of voyeurs, grabbing Willow's hand in the process. As much for her support in what I know is going to be a very unpleasant conversation, and the fact that I just can't seem to *not* be in direct physical contact with her now. I've had a taste after so many months of starvation from it, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to go back to the way things were before tonight.
"Buffy, you're not going to go all Slayer on them are you?" She pulls me to a dead stop about 10 feet away from the onlookers. Slayer on them?
"What are you talking about Will?" She gives me that exasperated little half smile thing that she does. Ok, so I think I have a good idea what she means. But what does she expect? Just let them go on their merry way causing a ruckus at the local gay nightspot, secretly smooching in alleys or something just as yucky. No way, Buffy Summers' little sister is not going to be doing that.
"Buffy, I know you. You're going to go over there, demand Dawn stop doing whatever it is that she is with Faith. And you're going to alienate both of them." She cups my cheek in her palm, and I can't help but lean into the warmth. "I know you want to protect her. And believe me, if this would have happened a few years ago, I'd be right there with you. But Faith is different now, we both see it. And maybe Dawn has something to do with that difference? Just hear them out, ok? For me?" Well there is no way I can turn that proposition down now. She even gave me her patented Willow smile and everything. Damn her.
"Fine, I'll hear them out. But no promises about anything else. I want to know just what exactly it is that they're doing first and foremost, and then we'll take it from there. Does that sound ok?" I always cave to Willow. What Willow wants, Willow gets. Or so I'm starting to realize.
"Thank you." She says it so sincerely that I can't help but blush. I turn almost purple though when I feel her gently place a delicate kiss on my cheek in an even more sincere show of her gratitude. For just a moment I forget what it is we're talking about, I just stare back at her in amazement. She smiles gently, blushes an adorable shade of pink, and starts tugging me towards our original destination. Right, Faith and Dawn. And dancing. And possible smoochies. Good to know I can still form coherent thoughts.
By the time we come close enough to the mass surrounding my sister and her dance partner, things have started to slow down again, and with the change in tempo, the crowd starts to disassemble to either go back to the bar or dance on their own. Faith and Dawn are again wrapped around each other like two land-bound octopuses. Hands and arms everywhere, I can't tell who's appendages are who's. And they're so caught up in one another that they don't even notice Willow and I standing two feet away from them.
I finally separate myself from Willow to tap Faith on the shoulder. "Can I cut in?" Oh yes, sarcasm. And I haven't even begun. I can just tell how this conversation is going to turn out.
"Not with my girl you're not!" Faith practically growls without even looking over her shoulder. At least at first. But once she catches sight of Dawn's horrified expression, she spins around so fast that I can barely blink. "Shit! B, what're you doin' here?" Now that was a pretty stupid question, considering I would think that Brian had told her I stop in every once in a while. Unless he doesn't realize we know each other? Ok, way too many thoughts running around upstairs at the moment. I have to focus on the matter at hand. My sister making out with my once arch enemy. Yep, I know now I'm going to fail the police force's psych test next month. After all this trauma I think I'll have a legitimate excuse.
"Well I could ask you the same question Faith, but I think I already know the answer." For good measure I send Dawn a very hard stare, telling both of them in no uncertain terms that I saw just about everything.
"Buffy, it wasn't what you think! Faith and I were just dancing really. She had a break from work and I came to visit and we decided to let off some steam." Dawn breathes in a lung full of air once she gets all that out. She's nervous as hell, because that's the one and only time that she babbles like my best friend. "It doesn't mean anything, really!" Faith swung her head back around to face her when Dawn mentioned that last part. Hmm, that's interesting.
"So lets see here. Faith and you weren't kissing? Just dancing?" I turn around and look at Willow, not aware that sometime during the last two minutes she's stepped even closer to me, so now I'm almost nose to nose with her. Gotta remember to wear these shoes more often, the heels are just the right size to make us almost exactly even in height. I was all set to smirk triumphantly back at Dawn when I catch the small look of, honestly, I don't know exactly what it is. Willow has a small smile just starting to touch the corner of her perfect mouth. And for the moment I'm swept back into the memory of *our* near kiss.
"You were spying on us!?" I'm broken from my decidedly non-sister thoughts by the screeching howler monkey.
I mean Dawn.
I haven't heard her use that tone of voice in so long now that I had almost forgotten what it sounded like. I really wish I hadn't been reminded.
Just as I'm about to go on the defensive, Willow lightly touches my arm, asking me for silent permission to take over for a second. She knows I'm fast approaching my boiling point. I place my hand atop her own that is still resting on my forearm, granting her said permission, vaguely noticing Faith taking in our close proximity to each other. "Dawnie, we weren't spying on you. Buffy and I came here to have a girls night out, and we just happened to notice you guys across the dance floor. With the, uh, you know, smoochies." Willow didn't happen to mention the fact that we were on a train bound for Smoochville ourselves when I got derailed at Faith sucking face with my sister. I should kick her ass for disrupting Willow kissage alone. Aww, but Will is so cute when she blushes. Which she is doing now. I'm not sure if it's from remembering our near miss, or seeing someone she looks at as a little sister, kissing someone like Faith. Either reason, it's still adorable.
Dawn looks back and forth between Willow and myself, I assume she's trying to make up her mind on whether to lie or not. Before she can answer one way or another though, Faith speaks up. "Yeah, we were kissing. What's the matter with that B?" Surprisingly, I thought they'd deny it, or try and wiggle their way out of it with a lame explanation. I can't say I'm really prepared for straight up Faith.
I think I'll jump onto the end of her little confession though. Might as well go with the obvious disapproving parental side of the argument here. "What's the matter with that!? Faith, she's 17! And you're..... you're.....you!" Yes that was a convincing argument there Buffy. Never mind the fact that you were making out with Angel *and* helping him to lose his soul through bed bouncies when you were barely Dawn's age.
"And just what the hell does that mean?" Faith is glaring at me, with good reason. Or maybe at least *she* thinks it's a good reason. Yes, Willow is right, she has changed. Drastically. But I still can't forget everything she did to all of us. And who's to say it couldn't just happen all over again. I mean it happened once before, and none of us were expecting it. And if that is going to happen, I don't want my sister anywhere in the vicinity.
"You know exactly what it means Faith! Who's to say you won't go all psycho Slayer again. Only this time, you kidnap Dawn instead of Willow? What is it with you going after the people that I love the most, huh?" I hear a small gasp come from behind my shoulder and I suddenly realize what I just said. Well there's another little revelation for my Will. Gotta keep up those baby steps I suppose. I can't take the time to think about *that* particular fallout though, because I'm too worried about the ramifications my little diatribe is having now. I have to admit, that was a bit harsh. But I've been on emotional pins and needles all night. And it's finally starting to get to me. And Faith is taking the brunt of it unfortunately.
"Buffy, it's not like that!" Dawn again, seeming to come out of her daze because she can sense that Faith is ready to blast off and either deck me, or bail. "Faith and I were kissing, yes. But honestly, we were just fooling around, it's no big deal." Again Faith swings around to stare at Dawn, this time like she's suddenly sprung antlers out of her forehead. This is getting stranger and stranger by the minute. At least I can be thankful that the music is loud enough that we're not drawing a crowd.
"So you just make out with people for fun? Is that it Dawn?" Oh yes, I can play the disapproving parent again. Of course when all your relationships have failed and you had an amazing lack of fun during them, it's easy to do that.
"No! I mean, I uh........" Dawn is at a complete loss. At least she's not trying to lie, which is a step up from her kleptomania last year.
"Then what the hell is IT?!" Well if that volume didn't draw an audience, nothing will. I've lost total patience with the entire thing. I'm standing here arguing with my little sister and my sister in arms about something that really, shouldn't matter all that much to me. Especially with Willow standing pressed up tight against me. I want this over and done with. Now. I have much more pressing matters to attend to. Namely getting back to the prospect of Willow smoochage.
"I'm in love with her Buffy!" I was wrong, because Faith's voice probably projected that little tidbit all the way out to the parking lot. And whoa, she said my full name. I can't remember the last time that happened.
Wait a second.......
"WHAT?!"
"Wow....."
"You......you're.....in love? With me?"
She's in love with my little sister! No! This is so not happening. What the hell, is it in the freaking water or something?! I mean four of us, that's just not possible, is it? But let's get back to the more distressing issue. Faith, ex criminal Faith. Want. Take. Have, Faith. Is in love with MY baby sister!
"Buffy, calm down, you look like you're going to pop a blood vessel or something." I feel Willow gently rubbing the palm of her hand up and down my back, trying to soothe my nerves. I'm not sure it's possible, even for my Will, because I'm pretty damn raw right now.
"Faith, did you really mean it?" I unashamedly stare directly at Dawn, who's now cupping Faith's cheek gently in her palm, trying to coax the older girl into meeting her gaze. I really don't need to be seeing this, it's so not helping.
Faith clasps her hand over Dawn's, which is still resting against Faith's cheek, rubbing small circles with the pad of her thumb over my sister's knuckles. "I mean it baby, I love you, so much." Faith picks up Dawn's hand from the side of her face and turns her head, pressing a gentle kiss into her palm. Honestly, if I were an outside observer and not one of the participants' legal guardians, I'd actually think it was rather sweet. Too bad I'm not an outsider. "I never thought I would, that I could, fall in love Dawnie. But I have, so damn hard." And not giving any thought whatsoever to the fact that Willow and I are still standing right next to them, Dawn reaches up, grabs the back of Faith's neck, and pulls her down into a sultry kiss.
My little sister ladies and gentlemen. Ugh.
I turn away from the spectacle, I really have no need to see Faith probing Dawnie's mouth with her obviously skillful tongue, if Dawn's small moans are any indication. So much for that sex talk. I'm sure with Faith as her tutor she knows even more than I do at this point, especially in the lesbian lovin' arena. How fair is that?
"God Faith, I love you too!" Well, she certainly still sounds like a teenager, a moony eyed, over the moon in love teenager. Oh man, please tell me I did NOT sound like that with Angel. Cause just, ugh. I feel Willow tugging the back of my shirt to get me to face her. Apparently I'm still staring at their display, which has now turned into a great big bear hug, with Faith's hands coming dangerously close to Dawn's ass.
"Buffy, come on, give them some space." Ok, why is Willow playing Devil's advocate here? I mean my sister is frenching with Faith! My sister is in love with Faith!
Oh god I think I need to sit down.
Willow pulls me along by the back of my shirt, as I slowly backpedal across the dance floor, reluctantly turning around and giving up my gaze of their still heated embrace, as Willow pulls out a bar stool and just about pushes me into it. The bartender comes over to take our order, but I'm not really paying any attention, I'm still trying to catch a glimpse, trying to make sure that they're not actually shedding any articles of clothing out there. With Faith, you never can be too certain. Willow looks expectantly at me for I'm guessing my drink preference, but honestly, I'm in a bit of a fog here. She turns back around to the bartender when I don't offer up anything. "Um, can you do a Gravedigger?" He nods his head in the affirmative and goes to the other side of the bar to make whatever the hell a Gravedigger is. I find myself gazing up at Willow as she's watching the bartender, I guess to make sure he wasn't just faking knowledge that he didn't really have. Through all the stress and strangeness of the last 15 minutes or so, she looks so serene and calm.
The bartender comes back, with a small glass of something, presumably the Gravedigger. "Put it on Faith's tab, ok?" He nods again. Wow, someone more monosyllabic than Oz, who knew such a creature existed. Willow takes my hand and places the shot glass in it, closing my fingers back around. I guess she figures I'm not paying even a small bit of attention to her. Little does she know just how much I DO focus on her. "Here Buffy, drink this, it might make you feel better." I don't see how really, but anything for my Will. I drain the shot glass in one fell swoop.
Dear God!
"What the hell was THAT!?" I'm barely able to get that out between the coughing and sputtering. I don't think I've tasted anything so strong in my life. Well maybe that demon's heart Angel fed me when I was telepathic, but this is a very close second. It's disturbing really.
"Whiskey and rum. Really strong rum." Willow's rubbing small circles on my back, trying to ease the coughing jag her little concoction sent me into. "I thought something really strong might clear your head a bit." Or make me violently ill. I guess she never thought about the fact I hold my liquor about as well as a five year old. "I'm sorry Buff, you just seemed so tense and upset, I wanted to calm you down a bit. Guess I wasn't really thinking so much, but you were starting to turn a really alarming shade of red watching Dawnie and Faith kiss. And well, I guess that wasn't the best idea, bringing it up again. But you know, I can see them over your shoulder, and they're not smooching anymore, just dancing. Pretty close, but still no smoochies. And would you please just shut me up!" I couldn't help but let her go on and on It's been a long time since I've seen her babble so much. I think she even broke a sweat with that one, because there's a light sheen of perspiration coating her forehead.
"It's ok Will, I appreciate the thought. But I don't think even that thing is strong enough to make me forget what just happened." I can really only think of one thing that would put Faith and Dawn's little display out of my mind. And really, I can't actually tell Willow that. I can just see her face. 'Yeah Will, the only thing you can do is kiss me senseless, that'll work!'. Yep, her fish out of water impersonation would be dead on, I just know it.
"Why don't we just go on home then? Maybe pop a movie in, I have that new DVD player, we can fire it up and try it out?" Willow gives me her half puppy dog, half five year old on Christmas morning look. Another one of her faces I'm completely powerless against. Even though I was looking forward to dancing the night away with her, I can't help but let the revelations of the night sour my mood a bit. Maybe just going home and vegging is a good idea. I mean I'll still be with Willow, just in a much quieter, much more private setting. With just the two of us lounging on her bed.
Suddenly her idea seems brilliant!
Lying on a bed, Willow's bed, cuddled up, hopefully watching a sappy love story. Sounds like absolute bliss to me. I don't know why I thought dancing at a crowded club was better. Oh yes, wait, naughty friction. But hey, there can be naughty friction on her bed, if I play my cards right that is.
"Sounds great to me Will, I think I could use a little quality one on one Willow time." And with that I dismounted the stool and started heading towards the exit, pulling Willow by the hand behind me. I fished in the pocket of my leather jacket, blindly fumbling around for my valet token.
"Did we forget?" Willow dangles the little card in front of me between her thumb and forefinger. I go to take it from her, but she snatches it back out of my reach. "No way Buff, that shot hit you like a ton of bricks, in fact I think I saw your eyes roll back into your head for a second there. I'm driving home." I want to protest, I really do. But nothing comes out of my mouth. Well there's another example of what Willow wanting, she gets. And she's right, I *had* forgotten I gave her the token for safe keeping. Huh, must have been one of those psychic Slayer things.
I slide in the passenger seat after the valet brings my car around, agreeably handing over my car keys to Willow. "Wow, I expected to have a much harder time snagging those keys from you." She pauses before pulling out into traffic, turning to look into my eyes, presumably making sure I didn't pass out or am about to puke all over the place from the liquor. I just gaze back at her tranquilly, surprisingly content for the moment. There's that Willow mellowy feeling again. "You sure you're ok?" As much as I really shouldn't, I love it when she worries about me. It lets me know she cares. Not that I doubt it, but it's nice to be reminded on occasion.
"Nothing like a movie fest with my favorite woman in the whole world." I'm beginning to think these baby steps are starting to mirror my size 10's.
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Willow POV
"Ok, wait a second. So which ones are dead? Or are any of them dead? Or all they all dead?" I maybe should have re-thought popping in Kennedy's copy of Soul Survivors. It can get a bit confusing, especially for someone who's never seen it before. Of course I think Kennedy just bought it because the one character reminds her of Faith.
Yep, I'm well aware my girlfriend's had a bit of a crush on our resident ex convict. It honestly doesn't bother me, besides, who am I to be a judge. I've been lusting after my best friend for years. So to make an issue of Kennedy's little fascination with Faith's leather clad body would be completely hypocritical.
"Will, do you get this movie?" Oh right. Dead or not dead, that is the question. I've actually seen this movie twice now, and I'm still not completely sure. I just grabbed it off of the pile in my room, leftovers from the last DVD fest with my girlfriend.
"Umm, well I think the boyfriend is still alive, and the blonde's alive. But I think the other guy and the Faith look-alike, they I think were killed in the accident. It's one of those psychological thriller type movies. You never know what's what."
Buffy tilts her head up from where it's been laying in my lap for the last half hour of the movie, a curious expression crossing her face. Yep, I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to the television, just stroking her blonde locks and massaging her shoulders a bit, trying to work out the tension from tonight's earlier excitement. She hasn't complained, so I wasn't going to worry about invading personal space, since she's the one who plopped her head where it is in the first place. "You noticed that too?" I cast her a quizzical glance, not entirely sure what it is she's talking about. We go from who's dead, to me noticing things? Color me lost. Once she catches the look on my face, she elaborates. "The fact that girl, the sort of gothic one, looked so much like Faith?" Oh right yes, that. I nod my head in the affirmative. She accepts that and puts her head back into what I assume is a comfy position, still in my lap. Nope, not complaining here at all. "This is nice."
"What is?" Yep, for as much of a brain I am, I can still be pretty thick sometimes.
"Being here, like this. With you. I've missed just having my Willow all to myself." Aww, now that was sweet. And hey, I'm still *her* Willow! I remember when she said that back in high school, and then slung her arm around me, I could have literally jumped tall buildings in a single bound, it made me that happy. I couldn't have cared less about the impending apocalypse, because I was hers. I probably shouldn't be so gung hoe about being possessed by someone I guess. But it's different with Buffy. I *want* to be hers, just like I want her to be mine. After that dance tonight, of which we seem to completely be avoiding discussion about, I thought it might actually be a conceivable notion. And during the time we were getting our groove on at Olympus, I had actually forgotten my conversation with Kennedy this afternoon.
Can't do that now though. It seems to be all I can think about, with Buffy in such close proximity to me. And with our physical closeness returning after such a long dry spell, it's right in the forefront of my mind. I think maybe I should tell Buffy about it. If anything, it will relieve some of the burden off of my shoulders. I can't just make this decision without talking with her first. I mean yes, I am an adult, but she factors into this so much right now. Twelve hours ago I might not have given her reaction quite as much thought as I am. But I can just feel that something changed tonight. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but there's something different between us. I feel closer to her in this very moment than I have with anyone. Ever. And really, we're just lying here on my bed. Sure we're curled up together a bit, one could almost say we were doing a bit of cuddling. But it's not just the physicality of it. There's something else there. Like something spiritual, something binding.
Of course I've always felt connected to Buffy, even from that very first day we met. There was something so captivating about her, even before I found out that she was the Slayer. I mean sure, she was the first person to be nice to me outside of Jesse and Xander in quite a long time. But still, it was more than that, I know it. Now. And that connection, *that's* what kept me in Sunnydale after we graduated. I tried to convince myself that entire summer that I wanted to stay because I needed to be able to help Buffy in the good fight. But who was I kidding? Besides myself? But I didn't go to a place where I thought a relationship with Buffy was a conceivable thing. That little realization was quite surprising, and I have no idea why. I knew I loved Buffy. Like, a whole lot. Really, no flowery poetic words would really do justice to how intense my feelings for her ran. Run. And I knew that I could have the lusty thoughts to go along with it, Faith proved that to me. So I really shouldn't have been shocked that it was an all encompassing type of deal.
So now, here we are, 4 years later, and I'm in the situation where I have to make another one of those choices. But this time I'm well aware of everything, every feeling that I have, and what it means. So should I really have to be sitting here pondering this? Should the decision already be made for me?
"Will?" I completely got lost in my own little monologue I forgot that she was probably waiting for a positive reply to her little confession. Might as well get this over with though. No time like the present I suppose. If living on the Hellmouth taught me anything, it was to cherish the time we do have. To not wait until tomorrow to do something that really could be done today. It might be a cynical view on things, but after you've seen everything I have in the last 8 or so years, it becomes a necessity.
"Buffy, there's something I need to talk to you about." I grudgingly sit up, forcing her to move her head out of my lap and face me, crossing her legs and sitting opposite of me on my bed indian style. I'm honestly not sure how to go about this. Do I bring up our little near miss back at the club first? Should that even be playing a role in this? Well yes, I suppose it should. Because if that was any indicator of things to come, or of things that *could* come, if I play my cards right, then absolutely that is an important factor into all of this.
Buffy takes my hand into her own warm palm after I fail to meet her inquisitive gaze. "Willow, you know, whatever it is, you can talk to me about it. I'm always going to be here for you." She blushes a little bit when I give her a small look. She knows what I'm referring to. Sure she'll always be there for me.
Now.
Not so much the last two years. And we both know that we're on the road to correcting that, but still, it's something we tease each other about. Because if we can't make light of the last couple of years, it gets awfully depressing, thinking about all the time we wasted being avoidy and non best friendly. In fact I need to stop thinking about it now or I'm going to go to the bad place and never get this conversation on the right track. I smile a bit in response to her blush, squeezing her hand and reassuring her that I know she feels guilty about the past. We both do.
"Buffy, I had a conversation with Kennedy today......." I trailed off, wondering if I should sugar coat it, or just be bluntly honest. Buffy doesn't give me a chance to finish though.
"Of course you did Will, I mean she's your girlfriend, and as your girlfriend you're entitled to have chats with her once in a while. I mean that's what people in relationships do right? Because otherwise feelings get bottled up, people don't tell the people they care about the truth and things get all messy." Ok, since when did Buffy inherit my tendency for run on sentences? I mean she sounds super nervous, and for the life of me I haven't a clue why. I'm the one that has the big dilemma here, not her.
Right?
"Um yeah, right Buff. Kennedy and I have conversations all the time. But this one was different." Yep, it had nothing to do with the power of her tongue ring. Or the fact that I made her wear socks to bed because her toes are like tiny little icebergs. Or her atrocious taste in movies. Nope, nothing mundane about this one.
"Different?" Again, what is with that tone of voice. She sounds anxious. Nervous and anxious. Huh.
"Yeah, well umm, see Buffy, Rona and Vi are heading to New York in a few weeks. And they asked Kennedy if she wanted to go along." Well, that's part of it.
"Oh." She pauses for a moment. "Oh! Well is she going?" Ok, anxious, nervous, and now, what? Excited?
"Well yeah, she told me she is. That's what she wanted to talk to me about." I'm really beating around the bush here, and honestly I don't know why. Something is keeping me from telling Buffy the whole truth. What, am I afraid that she'll be glad to get rid of me if I tell her the entire thing? No, that's completely irrational, especially since we're getting along so well now.
Buffy uncrosses her legs and scoots up towards the headboard, pulling me into a sideways hug, petting my hair gently. Ok, this was unexpected. Not unwelcomed by any means, just unexpected. "Oh Will, I'm so sorry. I know that must have been a shock to you. You guys have been really tight lately, I can't believe she'd just take off like that." Oh, so that's where the huggies came from. And geeze, could she sound any more contemptful towards Kennedy, she practically growled that last bit out. But now it's all that much more difficult. I should have just been blunt about it.
"Actually Buff, she's not just taking off on me." Again with the subtle, what is with me lately?
"I thought you just said that she was going to New York?" I just love the way Buffy's eyebrows get all scrunchy when she's confused. It's so adorable. I have to forcibly shove the urge back down to reach my hand up and trace the crease away from her forehead.
Okay, focus! You're just going to have to tell her. Be honest. Don't drag her along with stupid half answers. "She wants me to go with her." There, I said it. And I really wish I hadn't. I can feel Buffy's shoulders tense, her arms tighten for a moment around me, but then she suddenly lets go completely. I try to gauge her reaction more thoroughly, looking into her hazel pools for some kind of indicator of what exactly it is she's feeling. She turns her head away from me though, so I'm lost as to how to continue. I was hoping for some kind of definitive reaction to this.
"Oh." One word.
She gets up off my bed and heads over to the DVD player, popping out the disk and replacing it back in it's box. Ok, huh? I thought she'd be a little upset at the thought of me leaving. I know we've had some rough patches, but I was pretty sure that was all behind us. So what the hell is this? Yep. This is exactly why I was so beat-around-the-bushy.
"Buffy?" That's about as far as I go. Because honestly, I'd give all my witchy powers in a heartbeat to know what it is she's thinking at this moment.
"Are you going?" It was said so quietly that I almost missed it.
"I'm not sure." That's a lie, and I have no clue why it just came popping out of my mouth like that. Maybe my subconscious is fishing, trying to force something from Buffy. Something I'm not even sure is really there. Bad Willow. But honestly, in the time it took for the movie to play I had made up my mind. I like Kennedy, I really do. We have fun together. And she can be really sweet and considerate when she's not being a brat. And the sex is phenomenal. I can't even express the wonders of that tongue ring of hers. But that's all. It's mostly just physical, with a genuine fondness for each other. But it's not love. I don't think it could ever progress to the point where I could fall in love with her. Most of the reason why is standing not ten feet away from me, playing with the ring on her finger.
The one I gave her for her last birthday.
And now that I think about it, I haven't seen her *without* that ring since we moved here to Ohio. In the midst of all the hectic planning and constant on edgeness with the First. Not to mention a whole entire brood of Slayers in training, Buffy's birthday kind of got lost in the whole mess. At least the celebrating part of it. I never forgot about it. So on a day I was out picking up some groceries for the entire gang I came across this silver ring in one of the shops along Main street. I had never been in the store before, which was odd because it was right around the corner from the Espresso Pump. And Buffy and I practically lived there during our senior year in high school.
For some reason the ring just caught my eye. It was silver, with sort of weaved little hearts around the entire band. I'm not even sure they are hearts, they're a bit cockeyed, but at the time I was sure that they were. In the center of the band were two small stones. They looked almost mystical when I first saw them. The colors were rather unusual. And the way they were set into the ring was strange as well. They were almost intertwined together, or so they gave off that appearance. It's rather impossible, at least to my knowledge, to meld two gems together into one piece. I felt compelled to buy it though, as strange is it seemed to be. Buffy and I still weren't on the best of terms, but that didn't mean I couldn't buy her a small birthday gift.
When I asked the shopkeeper to get it out of the display case I also inquired as to what type of gems were in the ring. The colors were fascinating. One was a greenish color. Not bright like an emerald, but not hinted blue like topaz or aquamarine. The man told me it was a rare form of green garnet. I've never seen any variation of garnet except for the normal red kind. Which happens to be Buffy's birthstone. So I figured the ring was an even better idea, having her birthstone in it as well, even if it wasn't the traditional red. The second stone was even harder to place though. It was a more olive green color, with a shade or two of brown mixed in with it. Almost making a hazel tone. It actually reminded me a lot of the shade of Buffy's eyes. When I inquired about *that* gem the shopkeeper looked a little flustered before he finally told me it was a form of sapphire. Which happens to be *my* birthstone. I had always thought that sapphires were a dark blue color, but he assured me that they come in many forms, all except in a red shade. Even though I still wasn't sure why he got all flustery when I asked him about it, I couldn't see any reason not to buy it. It was perfect.
I'll never forget the shocked expression on Buffy's face when I gave it to her. It was pretty soon after she had finally defeated the Turok Han, thus boosting the morale of the potentials that we already had with us at the time. That was before the real influx began. But still, things were pretty crazy already, making it almost impossible to catch a couple of free moments alone with her to give her my present. Xander and Andrew were always arguing about some crazy Star Wars factoid, Anya was nowhere to be found, Giles was off retrieving potentials left and right. So that left Buffy and myself to pretty much hold down the fort all by our lonesome.
I remember the night so well. I was getting frustrated up to my ears with the whining about not enough bathroom and shower time between all the girls. It was driving me insane, to the point where I actually contemplated shutting them up magically just to have some peace and quiet. I restrained myself enough to make it out to the backyard and park myself in one of the oversized wooden chairs. I figured gazing up at the stars for a few minutes would calm my nerves some so that I could venture back into the house for a couple hours of shut eye.
I had sort of lulled myself into a zone where I was concentrating on nothing but trying to pick out the constellations when I heard the back door softly close. I turned around to find Buffy sitting herself down on the top step of the porch, leaning back on her elbows, and moving her eyes up to the pitch January sky. The light of the crescent moon was reflecting off of her hazel eyes, and for that one moment, she actually looked at peace. For the first time I can remember seeing in almost forever. "Couldn't stand it either huh?" I'm startled out of my Buffy gazing by her softly spoken words. She didn't even turn her head to look at me, just continued her contemplation of the night sky.
"I was starting to approach the red zone. One more comment about buying the wrong kind of toothpaste and I was going to magic one of them out to the grocery store to get it themself." I winced a bit, the magic thing was still a bit of a sore subject with everyone. And honestly, I wouldn't have really done that. Well, I probably wouldn't have. But humor about magic, considering all the badness I caused with it after Tara was murdered, probably not the best thing to use. But surprisingly I heard Buffy chuckle a bit in response. Definitely not the reaction I had been expecting.
"I get you Will, if I had the power, I know I would have done it nights ago." I was shocked that she completely agreed with me. I mean I know we had cooked up the idea together to rally the 'troops' with the Uber Vamp, but really, we weren't at the point yet where idle chatter and actually relating occurred. I couldn't help thinking how nice it was. I had a piece, albeit a small one, but still, a piece of Buffy, my best friend, coming back to me.
I suddenly realized when she said 'nights ago' what the date was. Buffy's birthday! I reached into the pocket of my denim jacket to grab the not so carefully wrapped ring box. Buffy was like a kid in a candy store when it came to unwrapping things, so I knew that the outside packaging didn't matter all that much. Even for someone as detail oriented as myself. I had been carrying the ring around with me because I was worried with all the people in the house it would get misplaced. Not stolen, because as annoyed as I can get with the girls, I don't think they'd ever do anything like that. But still, I felt it was better to keep it with me for safe keeping anyway. I fingered the box for a moment before getting up out of my chair and crossing over to where Buffy was reclining, sitting down next to her on the step.
"I got you a little something." I reached out and handed her the small box, watching her expression become confused. She must have forgotten what day it was too. "Happy birthday." The look on her face when she understood that it was a birthday present I had given her is something I'll remember forever. It wasn't just shock. It's hard to explain really. Almost like for that one moment, she realized that someone was concerned with her, not with everyone else in the house. It was about *her* special day. And not even an impending disaster with the First Evil could make it be completely forgotten. It was in that moment when I thought we might just be heading back to what we used to have the first few years of our friendship. All of that in just one look.
She gingerly took the box out of my hand and examined it, holding it gently, almost delicately. Like it was something to be completely cherished and if she handled it too roughly it would poof into thin air. Strange really. "Willow, I can't believe you remembered."
Did she really think I'd forgot the day the love of my life was born? Of course she wasn't aware of all the factors that go into my good memory of that particular fact. But still...... "Of course I remembered. I know we usually celebrate and everything with a party, but with all the badness going on, I guess it just got postponed. But I promise, as soon as we deal with all of this hellmouthy stuff, we'll all go out for belated birthday goodness!"
She smiled a bit, a real Buffy smile. I hadn't seen one of those in ages. Gift still firmly tucked within her grip, she sat up to face me, and without any hesitation, pulled me into the first hug we had shared in what seemed like years. "Thank you Will. It means so much to me that you remembered." Her breath tickled my ear as she whispered her gratitude. I was beginning to like the sensation far too much for my own well-being.
"I'll always remember Buff. Now come on! Open it up, for all you know you might hate it. So thank you's can come after." Well I didn't think she'd hate it. But there is a certain stigma attached to buying someone a ring after all. I just hoped I wasn't crossing any invisible little line. Just when things had started to look up for us too.
She smiled at me again and then tore into the package with Slayer style gusto. Just as I knew she would. I carefully watched her face as she opened the tiny velvet box for the first time, catching sight of the ring encased within it. The moonlight sparkled off the garnet and sapphire gems, the silver band twinkling in the shadow of the stones. I had to admit, I did have great taste. The ring was gorgeous. Probably the best purchase I've ever made in my young life. "Oh god Will!" She looked back up to meet my anxious gaze, I wasn't sure how to take her holy exclamation. Tears started to pool in her eyes, their silver edges spilling over and running small trails down her alabaster cheeks. "It's absolutely gorgeous!" Well that relived my anxiety, she seemed to like it well enough. She leaned in to hug me once again, and I could feel the wetness of her tears against the sleeve of my jacket, enough so as to make it slightly damp. Not that I cared of course. As long as she liked her birthday present, then I was perfectly contented to have a wet jacket. We sat out there for a long while, holding each other, gazing up at the star filled winter sky. I'll always be glad that I had been voted to go get the groceries that day. Otherwise I never would have spotted the ring, and I probably wouldn't have had that night with Buffy either.
I'm brought out of my pleasant trip down memory lane by the not so pleasant reminder that I just blindsided Buffy with my little piece of news. She's still playing with the ring, so I'm wondering just how long I was lost in thought. "Did you ever notice that the garnet in my ring looks exactly like your eyes Will?" Actually, I hadn't. Or maybe I had, and that's one of the reasons I bought it. I always thought the two gems looked rather unusual. Not that my eye color is strange. But there was something almost familiar about the ring. Like I was connected to it somehow. That's what drew me into the shop that January afternoon.
I got up off of my bed and walked up behind her, looking over her shoulder a bit to glance at the piece of jewelry she seemed so fascinated by. I walk around to face Buffy, not liking the fact that I haven't once had the chance to meet her gaze since I told her I might be leaving. She hesitantly lifts her chin up to give me a clear view into her deep hazel orbs. I gaze intently for a moment before looking back down to her finger, something striking me as I do so. I always thought *both* gemstones seemed such a familiar color, and now I know why. The sapphire perfectly matches her eye shade. It's rather uncanny, and just a tad bit unsettling. The sapphire, my birth stone, matches her eye color, and the garnet, her birth stone, matches mine? Well that's just not possible...........
"You know, towards the end, when things were getting really rough, I'd sometimes sit out on the front porch and just look at my ring. The moon would sometimes shine off of the stones and I'd be mesmerized by it. And it always reminded me of you. Every time I looked down at my finger, I would think of you. It's almost like I've been carrying a small piece of you around with me these last 10 months."
Wow. Just wow. I mean, how do you respond to that? Really? After everything we've been through the last few years, that is probably the most touching thing anyone has ever shared with me. And that's putting it mildly. I can feel my eyes starting to mist over, but I'm determined not to cry. "Buffy, did you ever notice that the sapphire is the exact shade of *your* eyes?" She goggles a bit and then sharply turns to look down at her finger, not believing me, obviously. I gently smile at her and walk back to the bed, sitting on the edge and waiting. For what? I'm not exactly sure. The conversation about her birthday gift was unexpected to say the least. We're still not dealing with the fact that I just told her I might be moving to New York City in a few weeks.
I honestly could do it. I had acceptance to Columbia back when I graduated high school. I'm sure if I re-applied I could get in. It's a great school and I could finally finish up my Bachelor's Degree. Something else that got sucked into the hellmouth when Sunnydale did. I've never been to the city, but I'm sure I could make it work. The thing is though, I just can't go. But more than that, I just don't want to. Not with Buffy here. If it had been Buffy that asked me to move with her to New York this afternoon, I wouldn't have even thought twice about it. As she goes, so goes my nation. It's always been like that. But still, it'd be nice to know what she thought on the matter. She's been completely mum on the subject since I told her. And frankly, the suspense is starting to kill me here.
"Don't."
One word. But stated with such conviction. I raise my head up from where I was studying a particularly interesting patchwork of my bedspread when I hear her stark response.
"Don't?"
Buffy walks over and kneels in front of me. In all the time I've known her I don't think she's ever gotten down on her knees in front of anyone. At least in a voluntary situation. So to see it now is strange to say the least. She takes both of my hands in hers and looks up at me, so earnestly it's a bit unsettling. "Don't go to New York. Please."
"Why?" I can't help but ask. I mean I know *my* reasons for not going. She's kneeling not a foot away from me. Her palms are sweaty and I can see she's become a bit flushed in her cheeks too. Only something that happens when she's extremely nervous. But my curiosity is eating away at me something terrible. I need to know what has her crouched in front of me, clasping my hands so tightly that I'm wondering if I'll still have feeling in them when she lets go. She glances down at our clasped hands again, before once again returning her gaze to meet mine. She sets her jaw, preparing herself for something, what, I don't have any clue about.
"Because I can't live without you Willow."