Choose
by sailor80
Chapter 2
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Tara let herself into the house. When she didn't find anyone on the first floor, she went upstairs. Buffy's room was empty, the bed made but rumpled. Dawn was deeply asleep, and Tara sat beside her and stroked the fingers that protruded from the cast. She stood, leaned over and kissed Dawn's forehead, then straightened the covers.
Tara stood in the hallway outside the room she had shared with Willow. She watched her ex twitch and whimper and fought the urge to comfort her. Buffy came to her, and they hugged without speaking. When Buffy pulled away, Tara told her, "Get some sleep."
"Thank you."
"Anything you want me to do?"
Buffy shook her head. "I've just been keeping an eye on them. Dawn will need another pill in a couple hours."
"Okay."
Buffy slid by Tara and walked into Dawn's room. She watched her sister for a minute before going to her own room and closing the door.
Tara stood in the doorway and watched Willow. Her heart ached for all of them, but especially for Willow. She wondered if Willow was ready to listen about the magicks. Willow spasmed, and Tara crossed the room. When Willow cried out, Tara touched her cheek tentatively, then drew back in shock at Willow's energy. They once complemented each other. Now Tara was repelled by the wrongness of it. "Oh, Willow, what have you done?" she asked softly while her heart, impossibly, broke again.
Willow's eyes flew open at Tara's touch. She watched the emotions play over the blonde's face and wondered whether Tara had touched her for the last time. She lay and fought nausea and wanted to ignore Tara's question.
"There's g-ginger ale," Tara offered. "It w-w-w-will help your st-stomach."
Willow pushed herself up and took the glass from Tara. She was careful not to touch Tara's fingers. "Thanks," she whispered. Willow drank enough to wet her dry mouth. She avoided looking at Tara. She was ashamed all over again.
"This has to st-st-st-stop."
Willow looked resolutely at the far wall. "You think I don't know that?" she
croaked, then sipped the flat, watered down soda again.
"No, W-will, I don't think you d-d-do."
The stutter on her name, the first time Tara had stammered her name in forever, stabbed through Willow. It focused all of her pain into one incandescent flame. She realized for the first time how deeply she had wounded Tara, and shame poured through her again. She willed herself not to cry so Tara wouldn't be tempted to touch her and be repulsed again. "You don't have to stay."
"What's it going to take, Willow?" Tara struggled to keep her voice even.
"It's done."
"It's n-n-never done. It's part of you." She still doesn't get it. Tara wondered how much more her heart could break before it stopped beating.
"I'm done," Willow repeated.
"So am I," Tara answered. She got up and left the room. She couldn't watch Willow suffer without wanting to help, but Willow didn't want her help. Willow wouldn't even look at her. Physical contact was out of the question. Touching Willow made Tara feel dizzy and nauseated and unclean. Even if it was the smallest fraction of how Willow felt, Tara couldn't bear it. She loved Willow, and wondered again how everything had gone so wrong. At least she didn't have to bear this alone. Their family, the one Willow had given her, would help both of them. Tara found herself in the kitchen, and leaned against the refrigerator, welcoming the cool feeling on her forehead. For the first time Tara thought that things between she and Willow couldn't be fixed. She covered her mouth to stifle the sob that rose from that thought.
Willow set the glass aside. She curled around her legs and rested her forehead on her knees. She wanted to cry but she felt empty. Tara was gone and Willow was nearly certain that she would never return. Part of her was angry that Tara had walked away from her again, and another part mocked her own weakness for wanting Tara. She began to shake, and wasn't sure whether it was withdrawal or a reaction to Tara's touch or just a way to feel.
She stayed like that for hours. Tara regularly looked in on her from the doorway, but said nothing. Willow felt her presence but refused to look again at the sadness in Tara's blue eyes. She was in that same position when Buffy returned.
Willow knew the Slayer was there before she put her hand on her shoulder. "Willow?"
"You shouldn't touch me."
"Why?" Buffy asked. She didn't move her hand away.
"I'm dirty."
"I haven't had a shower yet."
Willow snorted involuntarily, then asked, "How's Dawn?"
"She'll heal."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"This is your home."
"I'm sorry, Buffy."
"No, Wills, don't apologize. I'm the one who's sorry."
Willow turned her head to rest a cheek on her knee. She looked at Buffy, confusion showing on her face. "Why?"
"I should have known."
"I didn't even know, how could you?"
"I'm sorry, Willow."
Willow uncurled herself and slid to Buffy's side. She touched her shoulder tentatively. "Buffy?"
Buffy slid her arm around Willow's waist and laid her head on Willow's shoulder. Willow mimicked her, resting her cheek against the crown of Buffy's head. "I never want anything bad to happen to you, and it always does."
"This didn't happen, Buffy, I did it."
"Because of me."
"No. Because of me." Willow straightened up, turned Buffy's face toward her own. "I did this. I messed up like I always do. I thought I could handle everything, fix everything. I'm tired of everything being hard for us." She let go of Buffy's chin, slid her palm to her cheek. "I wanted us to be happy."
"You're here. You're okay. I'm happy," Buffy whispered. She leaned toward Willow, touched their lips together lightly.
"Buffy?" Willow's voice was high and panicked.
"Willow," Buffy answered quietly, and kissed her again, lightly, then again.
The third time, Willow leaned into the kiss.
It was slow and gentle and lasted longer than it seemed. Their lips parted but their faces stayed close.
"Buffy?" Willow asked again, in a whisper.
"Willow," Buffy answered, her fingertips gliding up Willow's cheek.
"What's happening?"
"I'm keeping you safe."
"Thank you, " Willow breathed, and moved her lips back to Buffy's. She was shaking again, and felt tears trying to start.
Buffy felt the tremor, and pulled Willow into her lap. She held her there as they kissed, and when the kiss finished, Willow lowered her head to Buffy's shoulder. Buffy held her, rubbing small circles where her hands held Willow against her. Willow shook and trembled against her, and Buffy felt the redhead's tears slide down her neck. She rocked Willow, comforting them both, until the redhead was still and her breathing even. "Wills?"
There was no answer, so Buffy stood, turned, and laid her friend back in the bed and covered her. She stroked Willow's hair once, then kissed her forehead. She left the room quietly, leaving the door half open behind her.
Buffy went downstairs, where Dawn was dozing and watching cartoons on the sofa. She passed into the kitchen. Tara was fixing dinner. Buffy leaned against the counter and watched. "You okay?" she asked.
"No." Tara didn't look up from the onions she was chopping.
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
"Thank you for this."
"It's what family does."
"I wasn't sure you'd still want to be part of my family. I've been doing a lousy job of taking care of everybody."
"Not just you. All of us." Tara continued to chop, ignoring the tears running down her cheeks. "We're so busy trying not to bother each other."
"I didn't know."
"I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone. I just let her. I can't do that anymore." Tara set the knife down. "I can't let her." She picked up the chopping board, turned to the stove and pushed the onions into the waiting oil.
Buffy watched her without answering. Tara continued fixing dinner. She added spices to the onions, then meat, then tomato sauce. Finally, she turned the heat down and covered the pot. She cleaned up, and was drying her hands on a towel before she looked at Buffy again. "I can't even touch her," she said, and burst into tears.
Buffy moved to Tara, and the taller blonde leaned into her. "She feels wrong," Tara sobbed.
Buffy didn't answer. She rubbed Tara's back until the witch was calm, let Tara go when she pulled away. "Thank you for everything," Buffy said quietly.
"What're we going to do?"
"Get through it somehow."
Tara bit her lip and nodded. Buffy squeezed Tara's arm lightly and backed away. "Can you stay tonight?"
"Um," Tara stalled.
"You can have my room. I don't want them here alone while I patrol."
"Okay."
"Thank you." Buffy hesitated a moment before asking, "Can you put the uninvite spell back on the house please?"
Tara looked at Buffy before asking, "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Ok." Tara turned back to the stove, removed the lid and stirred the sauce.
Buffy watched her close down, and left the room. She sat on the couch beside Dawn, who looked at her groggily. "Hey."
"Hey."
"How're you?"
"My arm hurts."
"Other than that."
"Mad."
"Yeah."
"Why'd she do it?"
"She's sick."
Dawn grunted.
"I don't understand, either."
They stared silently at the bright colors on the screen. Dawn leaned against Buffy, and soon fell asleep. Buffy dozed, too. They stayed like that until Tara came to rouse them for dinner.
After they ate, Buffy fixed a small plate and took it and a glass of milk up to Willow. She was still sleeping, but was flailing in the sheets. Buffy set the food down and sat on the edge of the bed. She stroked Willow's cheek with the back of her fingers and the witch immediately settled. After half a minute, she opened her eyes.
"Hey," Buffy greeted her.
Willow focused. "Hey," she croaked.
"Brought you some food."
"Don't think I can eat."
"Try?" Buffy asked.
Willow nodded and pulled herself up to sit. She closed her eyes and opened them slowly again. Buffy handed her the plate and fork. Willow tried to eat, but was shaking too badly to manage. Buffy took them back from Willow and offered Willow a forkful of spaghetti.
Willow obediently opened up and accepted the food. She chewed slowly for a long time before swallowing. When Buffy offered a second forkful, Willow shook her head.
"You've got to eat," Buffy urged.
"Later," Willow promised, and Buffy set the food aside.
"I'm going to patrol. Tara's downstairs with Dawn."
Willow's eyes closed again. "She hates me."
"She doesn't hate you, Wills."
"She should."
"No." Buffy's reached over and tucked hair behind Willow's ear, traced her jaw. Willow was perfectly still, savoring the slide of Buffy's fingers along her skin. "We can't hate you."
"Buffy, what's happening with us?"
"I can't stand it when you're hurting. I'm trying to fix it."
"I don't understand."
Buffy's hand stayed on Willow's face. "I love you, Willow. I want you to come back to me."
"I want to." Willow's voice was barely audible.
"Good." Buffy dropped her hand down Willow's neck, across her collarbone, down her arm. She picked up another forkful of spaghetti, offered it.
Willow, still dazed, opened her mouth. Buffy fed her half of what she'd brought up before Willow refused to continue. She laid back and closed her eyes. "Let me know when you get back."
"Sure."