To Thine Own Self Be True
by mike
To Thine Own Self Be True
[reviews]
Title - To Thine Own Self Be True 1, 2, 3/undetermined yet.
By mike (wizathogwarts@yahoo.com)
SPOILERS: None
RATING: PG. It is a Buffy/Willow fic but doesn't include Willow quite yet.
DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.
FEEDBACK: Constructive comments are encouraged.
Author's note: (Buffy/Willow) This is the first fan fiction I've ever written. I was an immediate fan of BtVS from the first episode falling in love with the characters, especially Buffy and Willow. When season six started to turn the characters that I'd come to love into people I no longer recognized I began to search the web to see if anyone else was as disheartened as I. What I discovered was fan fiction, especially Buffy/Willow. I decided to rewrite things the way I would like them to be and I came up with this.
I started writing in third person but as I became lost in the writing process I switched to first person without realizing it. I posted a warning where it occurs so you don't think you're going crazy.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Prologue
In the beginning
The sun was shining down on soft green grass while gentle breezes softly moved among the topmost tree branches. The laughter of young children blended with the sunlight and wind to create an almost magical symphony, causing everyone young and old to smile just for the joy of being a part of such a beautiful day.
A dozen children who had just completed their first year of school played in the park, loving watched over by a few mothers. One young girl with blond hair in twin pony tails was casually hanging from the top most bars of the jungle gym. She wasn't concerned with her precarious position as she balanced on one foot with one hand casually keeping her body from tumbling forward. No, she was as comfortable in precarious positions as a most people only feel when safely ensconced in their big comfy easy chairs.
She didn't give it a thought actually, because her thoughts and focus were on the young girl kicking herself into long arches on the swing. At six years old, there was no thought about what she was feeling while looking at the girl on the swing. Only that she needed to look at her because it felt right. Seeing her just made her feel good. Nothing complicated, it just felt nice. There was no insightful analysis of the way the girl's soft reddish brown hair moved in cadence with the swinging arches. No aching desire to touch the bare skin of her legs as they pumped back and forth below the hem of her knee length shorts, none of the complexities of adolescent hormones. Just the rightness only felt with childhood innocence. None the less, this was another defining time in the nature of the young blond, even though she had no concept of the feelings portent.
Suddenly, the scene altered as the girl on the swing was sent careening by the malicious push of a dark haired boy who had rushed the girl from behind. She froze quickly, and a screech emanated from deep in her throat as she clutched desperately to the chains of the swing as they twisted above her like a rubber band on a toy wind up airplane.
The young boy laughed wildly at the chaotic scene he had caused, watching for her to swing back so he could increase her discomfort and thus his enjoyment. He never got the chance as a blond missile that had virtually launched from the bars of the adjoining recreational equipment slammed into him with enough force to send him crashing to the ground where his body and head smacked soundly into the grass. While not terribly hurt, the shock and sudden pain resulted in what happens to small children when in this situation. He began to cry.
The cause of his current position on the ground had turned immediately to throw her arms about the careening and twisting girl in the swing. With a thud and a grunt, she used every ounce of her small frame to halt the swing, bringing it to a stand still. She then very slowly turned the swing until it was completely untangled and steady. She then carefully reached out touching the girls face, and as she looked with concern into the girls green eyes, she said "You're OK now".
The girl looked back at her slowly getting her breathing under control and replied, "What happened Buffy?"
"Tony pushed you." Buffy replied simply; know that nothing else was necessary.
Coinciding with the girls rescue, Tony's crying had quickly brought the attention of the mothers whose attention had been temporarily focused on the group of smaller children playing in the sandbox. They had quickly run over to Tony laying on the ground, and after sitting him up, asked him if he was all right and what happened. Tony's tearful reply was "Buffy hit me!"
The two ladies looked over at the accused to witness her with her arms protectively hugging the young girl in the swing with the other girl's arms desperately holding onto Buffy while quietly sobbing after her terrifying experience. The mother with raven hair who happened to be Tony's mother quickly walked over to the girls and grabbing Buffy's arm, yanked her away from the other girl while simultaneously yelling out, "Why did you hit Tony!"
"He pushed Valerie and hurt her." Buffy replied defiantly.
Before things could escalate, the other mother grabbed the angry mothers shoulder and in a firm, forceful voice said, "Carla, let her go now. You're going to hurt her."
"But she hurt my Tony", the fuming mother spat out.
"Tony is fine, but you're not going to be if you harm a six year old girl." The concerned woman said as she slowly, but forcefully pried Carla's hand from Buffy's arm.
"Besides, she was just protecting Valerie, you know how she is..., and you know how rambunctious Tony is..." The other mother left both concepts hanging in a knowing sort of way in an effort to get Carla's thought turned elsewhere.
"Yea, Lori. Just the way I'm getting with Tony." Carla responded knowingly as she calmed down and as her thoughts returned to her perceived feelings that Buffy's actions around Valerie bespoke of unnaturalness.
"Come on Carla, their just kids. Buffy just has a protective nature." Lori continued in her matter of fact tone.
"Yea, but she only protects the girls, and she's always close to Valerie." Carla argued back. "And don't you think its funny how such a tiny girl always wins her battles even against larger boys?" She added emphatically.
"So she's a tomboy, she'll grow out of it. By the time she's thirteen, all she'll be thinking about is how to get boys to like her." Lori replied with false confidence.
"You might be right; it would be hard to believe that such a pretty little thing could turn out to be a dyke." Carla replied with a touch of venom underlying her words.
Immediately after Carla's hand had left Buffy's arm, she immediately returned her attention and arms to comforting the still sobbing girl on the swing. Valerie again buried her head into the shoulder of the girl who always made her feel safe and happy. Buffy's right hand instinctively came up and stroked her hair the same way her mother had done to her when she had needed comfort.
She realized the two women were talking about her, but didn't understand what they were talking about except that Tony's mother was mad that she had knocked Tony down. She did sense on some level that they were talking about her, about beating up the mean boys was her take on the conversation. That is until the last part. She had been told she was pretty plenty of times, so that didn't surprise her, even though she knew she wasn't as pretty as Valerie. No, what caught her attention was the new word, 'dyke'. She could sense by the way the word was said that it was a bad thing. At least Tony's mom thought it was bad. But she had discovered that she didn't always agree with what Tony's mom said, hardly ever actually. As she continued to comfort Valerie, even though the girl was calmed down, she thought to herself that she would ask her mom, 'mom will know if it's really bad or not' she said to herself with confident nod.
That night after dinner, Joyce Summers, the woman that Buffy totally and completely trusted with the knowledge of her small universe was combing Buffy's hair after her evening bath. As she carefully stroked the golden hair she noticed the thoughtful pinch to Buffy's face causing the tiny vertical folds between her eyebrows. The one she had learned from experience that meant Buffy had a question she wanted to ask. All she had to do was wait until Buffy figured out how to put into words what was bouncing around in her very active mind. She didn't have long to wait, but she was totally unprepared for Buffy's topic.
"Mommy, what's a dyke?" Buffy asked with a determined air.
Joyce Summers wasn't oblivious to her daughter's tomboyish ways, but where the heck had she heard that awful word. Joyce didn't have any objections to lesbians, but she did have problems with derogatory terms for any group of people who were different from the accepted norm. Dyke, kike, nigger were all words that perpetuated false stereotypes. Now that the waiting was over, Joyce had to decide how to answer such a complex question in a way that a six year old girl could understand.
"Mommy?" Buffy asked turning her head slowly to gaze up at her mother, concerned over her mother's silence.
Joyce took a big breath and released it slowly and looked into her daughter's concerned face and immediately her eyes softened and her mouth curved up in a warm, loving smile.
Buffy was immediately reassured by her mother's smile, and smiled back, patiently waiting for her explanation.
"Well Buffy, it's not a nice word to use. It's a mean word." Joyce began.
"But what is it?" Buffy persisted.
"You know how your father and I are married and love each other very much?" Joyce asked, hoping to start off with something easily understandable.
"Yessss" Buffy replied slowly.
"Well, your father is a boy and I'm a girl. Most boys fall in love with girls and most girls fall in love with boys". Joyce continued slowly, watching Buffy's face for signs of confusion.
Buffy nodded slowly, and encouraged, Joyce continued.
"While most boys and girls are like your daddy and I, not all girls fall in love with boys. Some girls fall in love with other girls. There is nothing bad about this, it's just different. But mean people don't like people who are different and they make up nasty words to call them to hurt them. Dyke is a word that mean people use to hurt girls who fall in love with other girls." Joyce took in another breath, trying to anticipate Buffy's next question.
"If it's a bad word, is there a good word?" Buffy asked hopefully.
"There is a word that is in the dictionary. The word is lesbian." Joyce replied carefully.
"Lesbian", Buffy repeated the word. Saying the word slowly and committing it to her growing vocabulary.
Buffy thought back on the afternoon's events. Buffy was too young to worry about lying to herself or get involved with self deceit. Once the concept was explained, the result was obvious. She didn't love boys, in fact she couldn't figure out what good they were for except to cause trouble, and she loved Valerie. She wasn't sure what love was except that she knew she loved her mommy and daddy 'cause she was safe and happy with them. She also knew she was happy when she was with Valerie and everything just felt right when they were together. She decided matter of factly that she loved Valerie. Since she loved girls that meant..." Buffy again looked at her mother and proceeded to push Joyce's parenting skill's to their limit.
"So I'm a lesbian, and Tony's mom is mean because she said I was a dyke." Buffy stated with finality.
Joyce's eyes shot open as a myriad of thoughts and emotions threatened to deluge her upon hearing her baby girls self declaration of something she couldn't possibly even begin to grasp the consequences such a belief would have on her little girls life. All these thought fighting with the desire to grasp Carla by her fat throat and rip her in two.
Buffy gasped as she saw the look of shock on her mother's face and Joyce quickly caught herself realizing the devastation she could cause if she didn't handle this properly. She immediately relaxed her face and smiled again. She placed her hands tenderly on her daughter's cheeks and said.
"Buffy, you're too young to be a lesbian. As you get older, you will change and boys will become nicer and what you feel for girls will just be friendly stuff."
Joyce silently prayed that this explanation would prevent Buffy from embarking on a possibly damaging path at such an early age.
"As for Tony's mother, yes, she is mean. That was a very mean thing for her to say." And incredibly stupid and insensitive Joyce thought to herself.
The thought of changing to the point of feeling for boys what she felt for Valerie caused Buffy to feel frightened and in a panic cried out to her mother, "But mommy, I don't want to change. I don't want to love boys. They're yucky. Please don't make me change mommy." The now frightened girl pleaded with her all powerful protector as tears began to spring from her bright hazel eyes.
Quick Joyce, she mentally slammed herself in the head, say something.
"Buffy, no one is going to make you change. You will only change if it's who you are meant to be. You started out as a little baby who couldn't talk or walk. Then you grew and learned to talk and walk and make friends. Changing is part of growing up. Who you are will change as you learn and grow, but what you are will always be. I'm just saying that you are too young yet to be sure of what you are." Joyce said desperately hoping to alter the course of Buffy's thoughts.
Buffy paused, sniffled and wiped her eyes as she thought about what her mother just told her. Buffy had to see thing in their simplest terms. She heard her mother say who and what she was, who would change but what didn't. So...
"What I am is a girl; I will always be a girl. Is lesbian a what?" Buffy questioned her mother.
"Yes Buffy, lesbian is part of what a person is, like being a girl. But unlike the girl part, being a lesbian is more complicated. Your body will keep growing, and while you will always be a girl, you will also become a woman when your body is finished growing. And you can't know you're a lesbian until your body becomes a woman." Joyce explained, hoping desperately that she could end this soon. She was running out of ways to explain this to a frightened six year old girl.
"But why do I feel like I'm a lesbian now?" Buffy persisted.
"It's probably because little boys are so mean and little girls are so nice. But you don't want to make yourself something now that may not really happen later." Joyce paused, deciding it was time to bring this to an end.
"Buffy, will you do me a favor, because I love you so much." Joyce said lovingly as she captured the young girl's eyes with hers.
"Yes mommy." Buffy replied with total trust.
"Please don't say anything about being a lesbian to anyone. Not anyone. Let's keep it between the two of us until you become a woman and then we'll be able to know for sure if you are a lesbian, OK Buffy? She softly said to the now calmed girl.
"OK, it's just a secret between us." Buffy said in agreement followed by another question that popped into her head.
"But is being a lesbian a problem?" Buffy asked now curious why this had to be a secret.
"Some people are mean to lesbians and try and hurt them, that's why I want you to keep it a secret until you know for sure because I don't want anyone to hurt you." Joyce explained with what she hoped was a finalizing tone to her voice.
"OK, I'll keep careful. This is like not talking to strangers, right mom?" Buffy said with inspiration.
"Yes Buffy, that's it exactly." Joyce breathed out a sigh of relief as she bundled the now yawning girl up off to bed and what she hoped would be a trouble free night of sleep.