To Thine Own Self Be True
by mike
Becoming a Woman
[reviews]
Chapter 1
Becoming a Woman
The school bell finished ringing and with the admonishment to be quiet and study from the teacher at the front of the class room, the 9th grade class off Milliken Junior High School quieted down, continuing conversations surreptitiously with the passing of notes or in whispers.
Buffy Summers needed no change, there was no one she had been speaking with, no one laughing at anecdotal comments that she would share with friends since she had no friends. Today was the last day of Junior High. She was fifteen years old, and she was again continuing her analysis of whom and what she was. She never forgot that long ago conversation she had with her mother. Looking back, she realized that her mother had done a pretty decent job of explaining things and her final advice wasn't bad either. Not about waiting until she was a woman to discover if she was a lesbian, the other advice about keeping it a secret until she was grown up.
The year after that conversation, Buffy kept quiet and just continued on with enjoying being with Valerie. She had thought about telling Valerie that she loved her, but it never felt necessary to do so. That is until after Valerie's family moved away, she wished she had told her, thinking at the time that maybe she wouldn't have left her if she knew she loved her.
When her mother found her crying in her room the night she found out she was gone, Joyce explained that it wasn't Valerie's choice. She had to go with her family. She missed Valerie for the rest of the school year, especially since she was about the only friend she had. All the boys were afraid of her and while the girls were OK with her because she had kept the boys from being too mean, Buffy could also interfere with their getting closer with boys. So they just avoided Buffy altogether.
Buffy had tried to talk with her mother about her feelings a couple of times but was put off with the wait until you're older answer. Buffy figured out that her mom was just hoping she would grow out of it, waking up one day and be all boys crazy. Well that hadn't happened and being a woman now, albeit a young one, she had no doubts whatsoever regarding her sexual orientation. She now knew all the right words to describe what she was and also was aware of the nasty ones also. Though most of the phrases some how included the hated word 'dyke'.
When she first entered junior high she thought to herself that she would at least pretend to be interested in boys so that at least the girls would talk to her. Actually, she was trying to find out if any of the girls felt like she did. She suspected there were a few others. She would notice the way some of the girls would let their gaze linger maybe just a little too long as teen age hormones messed with their ability to remain nonchalant. She had even made friends with Debbie. Buffy had figured out that if you dressed in a way that attracted boys, no one suspected you weren't straight, with the added advantage that she also attracted the ones for whom she was really wearing short skirts and skimpy tops.
Debbie was one of these girls. She had long brown hair, a pretty face and incredibly long legs. She could have sworn that Debbie was six feet tall, but she insisted that she was only five-ten. To Buffy's five feet and two inches, it was close enough.
A couple of months after becoming friends with Debbie, Buffy was pretty certain that Debbie was gay but terribly afraid of the possibility. Debbie's halfhearted interest in boy talk became nearly non existent once she realized that when they were alone, Buffy made it clear, in a non responsive sort of way that discussing boys didn't appeal to her.
One Saturday, Debbie was over at her house and they were just hanging out in Buffy's room and Debbie was laughing at Buffy's pantomime of Ms. Dever's description of proper hygiene during menstruation.
Buffy thought to herself how cute Debbie looked and just blurted out, "You have the cutest laugh. I want to be a comedienne just so I can make you laugh all the time."
Debbie had blushed scarlet and Buffy felt her breathing quicken as she approached Debbie, placing her right hand on her cheek, Buffy gently brought their lips together. Debbie was very still for a moment and then leaned into the kiss and that was all Buffy needed. Buffy deepened the kiss and finally felt herself in sync with her desires. She was kissing another woman and was being kissed back. All was right and she wanted to yell it from the highest mountain.
'The higher you climb, the farther you fall." Buffy thought ruefully. Monday morning at school, she discovered that Debbie had shared their afternoon of discovery with her friend Michelle.
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Buffy takes over as the narrarator from here on out
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Michelle, for whatever reason that she wasn't sharing but supposedly to protect her friend Debbie from being brain washed by some dyke had concocted a cover story. The long and the short of it was that I had tried to seduce Debbie, and Debbie had gone crying to Michelle about the terrible ordeal. I was outed, ostracized and literally spat upon. I was even jumped by four girls who were part of a gang just because they thought I would be an easy mark.
These girls didn't know about my reputation before junior high, and none of the boys who I had beaten up in grade school were anxious to advertise the fact. The end result was a pretty much a draw. I had a split lip, a black eye and bruised and bleeding ear from being kicked in the side of the head. Between the four of them, they had 5 black eyes, 3 split lips and at least 2 cracked ribs, also two broken fingers on the one who tried to scratch my eyes. I don't take kindly to fighting dirty, unless I'm forced into it.
All five of us were suspended for 3 days. When we got back to school, everyone gathered around them wanting to know what happened and I was avoided like a wino looking for a handout. I would occasionally get some sympathetic looks from some of the other girls who I suspected were gay, but no one would dare be seen befriending me. Junior high was very lonely. The upside was I got straight A's since I didn't have anything else to do (except read 'Ruby Fruit Jungle' for the umpteenth time).
Now it's the last day of junior high. In three months, I'll start high school at Hemry. Mom suggested that I try out for cheer leader since I'm so athletic and all. Mom of course knew about the fight and suspected what it was about. She started to ask me about it and then stopped and told me she was glad I wasn't hurt too badly and that I was able to defend myself. She asked me if it would happen again and I said I doubted it.
She asked me to be careful and told me she loved me. She then went downstairs to talk with Dad, and I closed my door in preparation for the next round of yelling that had started a little after New Years of that first year I spent in junior high. I knew she had tougher things on her mind, so I didn't bother her with my problems, I had already proven I could handle every thing on my own. I just had to remember not to trust anyone. I couldn't have what I needed most, at least not until I was someplace safe, yea, as if there is such a place.