I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 3
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 3
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She looks so small.
That was the shared opinion of the people surrounding Buffy's bedside. Willow sat on her left, holding her hand. Then Dawn, looking worried. Giles, behind her, standing a bit away. Kennedy was at the foot of her bed, looking sad and a bit uneasy. Faith was next to her, and finally Xander was on her right. Buffy had been asleep since she'd been admitted to the hospital. She was recovering still from the fever that had wracked her body.
The doctors had delayed surgery until the infection went down. When they had finally performed surgery, they were...well... amazed at how fast it her body was healing itself. They'd done some repairs, but mainly her own body had taken care of itself. They were still shaking their heads over that one.
It had been a hard 48 hours for Dawn and Willow. They had both been at the hospital since Buffy had been admitted. They had stayed in shifts, so in case Buffy woke, she wouldn't find herself alone. They both had come to realize that was a sure way for her to freak. No one, 'til now, had realized how frightened she'd become of hospitals.
All the way on the ambulance ride, she'd been freaking. She kept struggling with her straps, but had been too weak to break them. She kept repeating over and over she had to get out, she couldn't go, she'd die in there. Willow had soothed her, telling her she'd be right there with her. She would watch over her, and be sure she wasn't hurt. It'd taken awhile, but she'd finally calmed down.
When they hooked her up to the heart and vitals monitor, and gave her an IV drip to help with the infection, she'd been very nervous. They gave her a mild sedative, and that seemed to help. But her face still registered the fear she felt.
Finally, her body, wanting to heal, had caused her to fall asleep... and that's how she'd been for the last two days. Occasionally, she'd half come around, but then would go back into a sleep. They added a glucose drip to feed her.
Rupert Giles watched Buffy from his vantage point. He felt a considerable guilt that she was here. He felt at fault, not checking on her. But with all the other injured, trying to keep things organized, and the day itself, he'd been less than attentive. Now she was here, and he blamed himself. He should have been more aware, seen that she was getting weaker. But she'd seemed fine, and he was distracted. Poor excuse, Rupert. Very poor excuse, he thought to himself.
Their whole relationship had changed somewhat over the last year. Frankly, she'd outgrown him. He'd stayed away from the Sunnydale on purpose. He'd felt Buffy in particular had grown too dependent on him, letting him take care of things she needed to be responsible for. So, last year he'd returned to England. Something he'd regretted when Willow went dark. Yet, even after coming back, imbued with the powers of the Coven, to try to stop Willow, things had been different. And he'd returned with Willow to England, convinced she needed him more than the Summer's girls at the moment. When Willow had returned to the states, he'd remained behind. It wasn't until the destruction of the council, and when he became aware of the threat of the First Evil, that he'd finally returned to Sunnydale.
By then, his and Buffy's relationship had undergone a significant change, permanent and irrevocable. He realized that though his help was wanted, it wasn't needed. And that Buffy no longer required his guidance. Rather she'd taken charge, and he was more a helpmate than advisor. When he and Robin had been so worried about Spike's influence, and his potential for going bad on them, and they'd decided to take action, he found out quite clearly that she no longer saw him in his old role. And she'd warned him with no uncertain terms that what he'd done was most unacceptable, and a repeat wouldn't be tolerated. In short, she was in charge, not him. Period.
Now here she was, vulnerable again. Yet, for all the nostalgia he felt, the strong desire he had to protect her, he knew that was no longer his role. He'd been given a new role. To encourage her independence, to help her be as strong as he knew she could be. It wasn't easy letting go, but he knew it was the right thing to do, and that he'd do it.
Faith looked down at her fellow slayer. The one that for so long had been the only other slayer. Who'd been her rival, then enemy, then redemption, and finally...friend? Well, at least not enemy. Faith was finding it hard to sort exactly what her feelings for Buffy were.
'There are times when she gets this " I know better" attitude that makes ya want to take her out and clean her clock. That is, until you get it that it's not real, it's only her way of trying to deal with what she's gotta deal with. She hates to ask for help. She's never had the privilege of asking for help...it's always been up to her to fight it, do it alone. So many times, she's had to face death, alone. She loves her friends, her 'scoobies', and she needs them. But when it comes to it, it's her, only her. So I guess I can cut her some slack when she gets all superior on me(well, I can try. No promises. It gets old, ya know?).'
' I really think it's that she's scared. Scared that if she shows weakness, dependence, that she'll fail them, somehow. That they'll turn their back on her. She acts all like, she's got no worries, but she is consumed by 'em. She has this image she thinks she's gotta be, this ideal hero that never ever fails, always saves the day, and therefore is loved. But thing is, even if she failed, they'd love her. She doesn't get it. She thinks she doesn't deserved to be loved for just being herself. But she does. And she just doesn't get it.'
' Me and her, same problem. We both need someone to accept us as we are. I had lots of time to think about it, and I know think I understand what our problem was. We couldn't accept each other as we were, and we both wanted some of what the other was. Neither of us tried to reach out, to understand, so we naturally fought. 'Cause being a slayer means being competitive. I thought she had it all easy, it was handed to her on a platter. I didn't get she had to work hard to be who she was. To do what she did. I think she saw me as having no responsibilities, that I just floated along. That my life was 'easy and free'. But she didn't see the darker, seamier side of my life. So, we both were jealous. And when the bad stuff came, we didn't have a clue how to stand together, so we stood apart, and we fought each other.'
Don't get me wrong... I'm not going Dr. Phil here. No fucking way. Times when she pulls stuff I wanna knock her ass into tomorrow. But thing is, I know there's stuff I do makes her wanna clean my clock too. So, I guess what know is that I get it, finally. That we're more alike than we seem to be. We want the same thing, just got different ways of getting there. Problem is I so wanted not to be her, so wanted to be something that wouldn't be thought of as part of her, I ...switched sides. I went bad. Cause I saw it as a way for me to shine. Even if it was for a psycho mayor demon. Cause it seemed he cared about ME, and not how I could be like Buffy. I didn't want to be her anymore.
And I wasn't. No one would think of Faith anymore as Buffy, Jr. '
'I was wrong. I couldn't stop part of me being her, anymore than she can stop part of her being like me. That's the deal. We are slayers. There is a light side to us, and a dark side. For awhile, it seemed I just did the dark side. But I couldn't stop the light side from affecting me. I didn't know that, really know that, 'til we switched bodies. I learned two things: everything she had, she earned. Love, respect, friends, all because she worked hard for them. And, when it came down to it, I wanted that, too. I wanted to do the right thing, be on the right side. I wanted to earn what I got, cause it made it so much better. I realized I liked thinking of myself that way.'
' So what does all this psychobabble crap mean, anyway? Just that I want to be her friend. I want her to know that no matter what, I'm there for her. We're connected, Buffy and I. More than any of the other slayers. We're the original team, two halves of the same whole. We're so much better together than separate. It'll never be more than friendship. I'm not stupid(much). But I know , in my gut, we need each other.'
Willow looked at the young woman lying in the bed. She'd been here before, many times. Seeing Buffy hurt. Each time, it was like the first time. She never got used to it.
'Well, Buffy, here we are again. You're injured, and I'm sitting here, feeling helpless, hoping you'll heal. So, when're we going to be able to stop this? When are you going to feel you've done enough? More than enough? When're you gonna realize that we'll love you, no matter what? You don't have to protect us anymore, baby. Let us protect you once in awhile, ok? You don't have to prove you're brave, you're strong, that you love us. We know. And we love you back. We don't mind if sometimes you're weak. That's ok, too. We want to support you when you need it, Buffy. You don't have to prove your special to us, Buffy. We already know it.'
Willow reaches out, and lightly brushes some loose hair out of Buffy's eyes.
'You have to stop doing this, Buffy. You've gotta stop putting your life on the line for us. Risking it all. Because, Buffy, we need you here. I need you here. I've tried to deny it to myself. But I can't. It's selfish, and I don't care. I need you, Buffy, alive, with me. I'm not foolish enough to think you're going to one day feel like I feel. That someday, it'll hit you that you love me. I'm not that stupid. Hopeful, but not stupid. But no matter that you don't love me like I love you. The thing is, life isn't life without you in it.'
'When you jumped from the tower, to save Dawn, to save us, to save the fucking world, once again, I ...died too. It was like someone came along, and took a knife, and cut my heart in half, taking the better part of it. Even Tara, darling Tara, much as she knew me, much as she loved me, couldn't know how much your death destroyed me. It was like they shoved me into a dark place, locked the door, and I was trapped there. I tried to go on, I went through the motions. I did what I had to do. But it was like I was already dead. I was dead inside. My body just didn't know it.'
'I brought you back, for all the wrong reasons. I convinced myself that it was to save you from hell. I told myself that WE needed you, that WE would be better off with you back. But frankly, Buffy, * I * needed you. * I * was less without you. I was totally selfish. I cast the spell, I brought you back...though I thought I'd failed. But you were there...and had to claw your way out. Alone. And that's how you felt for so long... alone. I thought I'd done a good thing, saving you from hell. It wasn't 'til later that I found I'd ripped you from paradise; perfect peace, perfect happiness. I was out of control, and didn't know it. Tara leaving me didn't clue me. Almost killing Dawnie? That started to clue me. Wasn't 'til Tara died, and I went evil, and Xander pulled me back from the edge, that I knew it. But, secret of secrets. It wasn't Xander that really brought me back. It was the thought of you, and not having you... Xander reminded me of that, of the humanity. Of the love I was throwing away. You.'
'I did wrong, Buffy. Pulling you from Paradise. I know that. But I don't care. I'm sorry, I don't care. If I had to, I'd do it again. Because I'm too selfish. I need you too much. Too damned much. That's my weakness, my shame, and my sin. And I don't care.'
Dawn looked at Buffy, her face reflecting how scared she is.
'When did you get so thin, Buffy? You're all sharp edges and angles these days. You don't eat enough, you don't rest enough, and you're not taking care of yourself. And now this. You knew you were hurt, you knew you were sick, and you tried to cover it, and put me in the middle of it. Damn you, Buffy,. this is so not right! I'm so angry with you right now, if you weren't lying there all sick, I'd slap you silly. Why do you do this? We know your strong, and brave, and all that stuff. But, you still insist on pushing yourself too hard, taking it all on your shoulders. Well, Buffy, you're not the only Summer's woman here. And I can so help you, if you'd stop trying to protect me, and let me get YOUR back once in awhile. I want to not care, but I can't. I love you Buffy, you're all I got. You're my sister, you're my family, and you're my blood. You're not leaving me, not again. Mom left us, and I lost you, too. You came back, and damn you, you don't get to leave me again. Do you get it, Buffy? You DON'T GET TO LEAVE ME AGAIN!!! I'm a pain in your butt, you're a nag and a pain to me. We fight, we whine at each other, we yell. And I don't ever want it to stop. I love you, Buffy. You're my sister, and all the rest. I love you, and I won't let you go. So, get used to it. You're so stuck with me.
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Buffy was awake, but she so didn't want to open her eyes.
She knew where she was. She could hear the equipment around her. Feel the needles in her arm. She wasn't at all happy being here. She would rather be fighting a nest of vampires than be here. But she was here, and nothing she could do about it. She felt helpless and scared.
Her mother had been in a hospital. They'd said she was fine. She would recover. That the tumor was gone, she'd live. And she died. She'd died, and Buffy had found her. She will never forget that feeling. She will never forget seeing her mother looking into nothing, staring into death. Never forget trying to bring her back, feeling the life gone from her. Never. Never forget sitting with her body, waiting for the coroner to come. Never forget them putting her in a body bag. Never forget the cruelty, the indignity of death. How unfair it'd been.
They'd said she was fine. She would be fine. She'd live. They'd lied. They were ghouls.
She'd never forget how it'd killed her to have to tell Dawn. How she'd watched while Dawn had a melt down. How Dawn had been hurt, how it had broken her heart. No, she'd never forget.
They'd said she was fine. They'd said she'd live. They'd lied. They were cruel, evil. Worse than any demon. Liars.
Now they would tell me I'm fine. I'll be ok. I'll live. And I guess I'm supposed to believe them, huh? Yeah, sure. They lie. They lie to protect their own skin. I hate them. I hate here. I hate being here. I want to leave, now.
Buffy pushes down her anger and her fear. She'll play along, she'll have to. To get out of here, as fast as she can. She'll pretend that all is well. That she doesn't hate being here. That she doesn't hate being forced to be here. That she isn't afraid she's gonna die, too.
No, she'll just go along, and get the hell out of here. And never let them put me in here again. Never.
I know they're here. Looking at me. Probably mad at me. I gotta act cool, make like I just messed up. Can't let em know what I feel. They'd think I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy.
They don't know what kinda place this is. What kinda pit of hell this is. It's disguised as a healing place, a place of mercy. But I know better, I know better.
Ok, Buffy, get a grip. Don't let 'em see the fear. Smile. Be cheery. Don't let em know how you feel. Just get yourself outta this place.
Buffy opens her eyes slowly, seeing the group around the bed. She smiles a rueful half smile, and makes an " I'm sorry" face.
"Hey, guys" She croaks a little, her throat dry. " Guess I screwed up, huh? When can I get out of here?"
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TBC