I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 4
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 4
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Kennedy sat alone in the waiting room
She wondered why the hell she was coming on these little jaunts with Willow, anyway. Not like I want to visit Buffy, for God's sake. I don't EVEN get why she has to come every damned day. We should be figuring out what we're going to be doing now. But , nope, while "The Slayer" is in the hospital, everything is on hold. So here we are again...Well, I should say, here I am again, sitting here alone. Not like I'm gonna go up and make nice with Blondie.
hat's the fascination with Buffy, anyway? She's not particularly bright...even Willow said that. I guess she's kinda cute in a faded cheerleader way...more what was than what is. Ok, big deal. She saved the world 7 times. Whoopee. She wouldn't have saved squat last time if it hadn't been for the other slayers. And that was Wills' doing, not hers. Frankly, had I been the slayer as long as her, I probably woulda saved the world 10 times by now. I'm faster, I'm smarter, and I'm stronger. I'm certainly hotter. As a leader, she was mediocre, at best. So, what's the big attraction about Buffy, huh. Did I miss the memo? I musta, cause Wills surely can see it.
I swear, it's like Buffy's her girlfriend. She hangs around here most of the day, and even when Buffy's not in the hospital, she's always hanging with her when she can, or checking on her, or some kinda crap like that. News Flash, Willow: Buffy aint your girlfriend, she don't play on the girls team. She's never GONNA be your girlfriend. So, why not stop mooning around her, and realize what you got?
" Penny for your thoughts...if they're even worth that much" A familiar voice breaks into Kennedy's reverie.
" Oh. The 'Other' Slayer. So, just how privileged am I today, anyway?" Kennedy replies, a little acidly.
"My, aren't we all cuddly" Faith says,. smirking. " What happened? Swallow a lemon?"
"Coolin' my heels while Wills pays a visit to Buffy" Kennedy says. " Of course, the sun wouldn't rise if that didn't happen every fucking day. But hey, who am I to complain? I get to catch up on the year old mags around here"
"What? Did Red put a gun to your head and say ' Come or die?' " Faith mocks. " If you wanna be elsewhere, be elsewhere."
"Yeah, that's gonna happen" Kennedy says. " If I don't come, Wills gets all put out, like it's some big honor to come see "THE SLAYER"
"Gee, what kinda bitter pill did WE take this mornin, huh?" Faith says. " Get over yourself, Kenny."
"Get over myself? Why doesn't the Might Buffy get over herself? I mean, c'mon. She's passé. Old news. God, how many times I gotta hear about how wonderful she is, and how she saved the world so many times, and blah de blah blah. It's not like she's the ONLY slayer in town. Hell, even before Wills did that spell, she wasn't the only Slayer in town. You're a slayer. Why do you put up with this crap?"
Faith just smiles at Kennedy. " Well, for one reason, it's not crap."
"Puhlease" Kennedy makes a face.
"Ya still don't get it, do ya brainless?" Faith says, looking at the girl almost with pity. " You, and a few of the other "slayers" look at B, and all you see is some girl who thinks she knows it all. Well, frankly, she does. While you were figuring out who to date at the next school dance, B was out there risking her life so you COULD spend your time on that. You think because you got chased by the first's half assed goons, you've had it rough. God, you don't even know the word. Try dying twice. Try watching your mom die. Try putting everything on the line, to save your friends and the world. Try killing your lover, even though you know he's been restored, because that's the ONLY way to save the world. Try living with the whole world thinking you're a nutjob. I know that one, cause I had to live it, too. Try fighting someone who you thought was a friend, but she went all evil on you. Try carrying the guilt that you had to stab her to put her out of the game. Try fighting a God, sometime, and sacrificing YOUR life so your sister can live? Try watching your best friend go evil, and try to destroy the world. And forgiving her."
"Let me clue you, dumbass. I grant you, B's not always the brightest star in the sky. She sometimes makes mistakes. Big mistakes. She'll go the wrong way. Thing is, she always...ALWAYS...winds up at the right place. Why do you think that is?"
Kennedy doesn't say anything. She's kinda stunned by the outburst.
"Not a clue, huh? Well, here's the secret. She leads with her heart. She cares about those she loves, and even those she doesn't love. I guess that means, in some way, she cares about YOU. She can be self involved, but ya know? When the chips are down, when it counts, you can count on her to be there to cover your back. She's done more in 7 years than you'll probably have to do in your entire life. She's given up a whole lot to make sure the world is safe for the likes of you. And me. And the rest of the fucking world."
You sit here and whine about her, call her old news. Well, dumplin', you aint exactly hot stuff. You've been through ONE battle. That's a warm-up. Come back and tell us all about it when you've gotten some experience under that belt of yours, and when you've grown up a little".
Kennedy looks at her, and a slow grin comes on her face.
"You got it. God, you got it bad for her, don't you?" Kennedy crows. " You're pathetic, Faith. She doesn't give a rat's butt about you, and you're all gaga over her. Like Wills. What is it about her that does that? What makes Ms. High and Mighty so special?"
Faith just looks at Kennedy " Maybe cause she just is. She's just special." Kennedy makes a rude noise. "Ya know, Kenny, I wouldn't be so worried about my feelings for B, which really aren't your business, anyway. I would be more worried about Red's feeling for Buffy...and for you." Faith can see she hit home...because Kennedy's bravado deflates like a balloon.
" I'm fucked, Faith" Kennedy says, her tone sad now, wistful. " I was stupid. I thought I could just have some giggles with Wills. I thought it'd be casual. Ya know? No big. Well, I fucked up good, cause I fell for her. Hard. And I'm getting it that she didn't fall for me, hard." Kennedy laughs. It's not happy, but bitter." I gotta laugh at myself. Thought I knew better. I'd be laughing my ass off at anyone else in my jam. But I just walked right into it. Color me stupid, huh? Never fall for someone in love with someone else"
"Yeah, well... you're none to bright, I agree" Faith says. " But I hear ya. I know the feeling". Kennedy looks at her, but Faith doesn't elaborate.
"So, now what?" Kennedy asks, looking despondent. Faith looks at Kennedy, and gets that patented smirk on her face.
"I say we blow this joint." Faith says. "Was gonna say Hi to B, but she'll probably live without my shining face for awhile. What say we head down and get a beer? I'll even buy ya one, so ya got somethin' to cry into"
" And I should join you why?" Kennedy asks.
"Well, it's that, or you can sit here and read old mags and be all pissy feelin' sorry for yourself, but then I'd have to take you out back and beat the crap outta ya and knock some sense into that pimple you call a head." Faith says this lightly. But don't think she wouldn't do it .
Kennedy sizes up Faith, and decides she's not entirely joking.
"Fine. I'll choose the beer, then"
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"This is so totally stupid!"
Buffy was whining a little bit about having to be wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair. She was antsy about being in the hospital anyway, she didn't like these places, and it seemed now that she was finally busting outta here, she was being slowed down by some bureaucratic nonsense.
Willow, smiling but not feeling all smiley, explained(for the fifth time) that it was hospital regulations. That she had to leave the hospital in the chair. No exceptions.
"It's still stupid" Buffy groused. " I have two perfectly good legs I could walk on. I could probably do back flips down the hallway. And here I am , roller girl. Geeze"
Dawn was walking along side, just doing her best not to bust out laughing. God, she is being mega brat. She so loves to point out when I'm being bratty, but hey, don't you dare say anything when SHE's being the brat. I'm so gonna remember this, and anytime she gives me a hard time about stuff, it's so coming back to her.
Willow, on the other hand, was no where near amusement. It was more like, she was ready to pop.
She'd been putting up with this for days, now. Buffy was being a total brat. And that was so out of character for her. Usually, she just kinda took it when she was hurt, just let it roll off of her. But boy, not this time. She'd been restless, whiny, asking like every 5 minutes when she could get out of here, pestering the nurses to the point they didn't want to come into the room, and then she pouted when they didn't. She'd been...well, ok, not rude, but pretty darned short with everybody. And finally, when she gets the news she can leave...this. Goddess, I know it's not right, but right now I so want to punch her...
"C'mon, Will, can't you push this thing any faster?" Buffy whined. That was it, the last straw.
Will pushed Buffy away, the wheelchair, with Buffy in it, rolling free down the hall.
"ENOUGH!!! Dammit, Buffy, what IS your problem? You've been nothing but the whiny brat since you've been in here. I'm totally tired of it! This isn't right, why can't they do that? Why can't I do this? The food sucks. The nurses are mean...oh, that's rich. You've been a total bitch to them. And you've been really...not nice to people who come see you. Acting like the perfect spoiled brat. I just don't get it, Buffy. I really don't get it. This is a side I don't ever recall seeing in you, and I've known you seven years. And frankly, it stinks!
Look, Buffy, I'm sorry you got injured. I'm sorry you got sick. But it's your own damned fault. None of this would've had to happen if you gotten yourself checked out when we took the others in. But no, you had to act like nothings wrong, you're fine. Then you nearly die on us, scaring me, Dawn, and the rest near to death. We were worried sick about you, and you've been acting like it's some big imposition.
Frankly, Buffy, you can wheel yourself out. I'm done. I've been here every day you've been in here, trying to calm you, coddle you, and make it better for you. Right now, I don't care a bit. You're healed, figure it out for yourself. Just don't be looking for me anytime soon, cause I totally upset with you."
Willow storms down the hall, and punches the down button 2 or 3 times, trying to hurry the elevator. Then she decides she won't wait for it, and just walks to find the stairs. Anything that'll get her away from Buffy , the faster the better.
"What's with her?" Buffy asks
"What's with her? God, Buffy, what's with YOU? You've been the perfect biotch since you came in here. I love you Buffy, cause you're my sister. And you've done a lot for me. But right now, I don't want to be near you. Bye. Take care. Don't write, ok?" Dawn follows Willow out.
Buffy wheeled herself towards the elevators, sighing. She so hadn't wanted to be this way. But she had been scared. Totally scared. And she knew Will too well. That she'd try to find out why, unless she pissed her off. Which she did. Yay for me. Perfect Bitch Award, fully deserved.
Ok, she hated hospitals. Total factoid. She hated the smells. She hated being tubed up like a machine. She hated the sounds of the machines. It always felt like the walls were closing in on her, that she couldn't breathe. But that wasn't the reason for the behavior. Will was right on that one. She normally just took it. Let it roll off her, and just make stupid jokes about it. Pass the time, and get the hell out.
But that wasn't the reason for the wig out.
It was the dreams. And what the dreams meant. That was wigging her. That she couldn't deal with. That was the reason she had to shove Will far, far away.
Because they were dreams about Will. Strange dreams. Dreams one shouldn't be having about one's best friend. But she was having them, and it scared her.
They weren't dreams in which Will got hurt. Or that she hurt Will. Or that Will hurt her. No...that she could deal with. Ok, not easily, but she could deal.
These dreams were...strange. One was when they were back at Sunnydale High. Will had just told her that she was going to go to UC Sunnydale. Buffy had been totally jazzed, and said " Will, I love you" . They tumbled on the grass, and goofed around a little bit. That was reality... but it changed from there. All of a sudden, I was on top of Will. Straddling her. And the laughing stopped. We were staring into each others eyes...and then...oh, god, I kissed her. NOT LIKE YOU KISS A FRIEND. Full on, deep, hot kiss. Sucking lips kiss...kisses with tongues involved kiss. Wanting to get naked and find other things to kiss, kiss. In my dream, she was freaked at first, but then got into it...and I woke up, sweating and panting...flushed, and ...still tasting her lips...which I'd never DONE!!!!
But that isn't the only dream I had, or the worst of it. I had a dream we were back in UC Sunnydale. And she'd broken up with Oz. And I was there, comforting her. Holding her. You know, innocent like. Except, it didn't stay innocent. Our faces got closer and closer, and then our lips found each others, and the kissing started, in earnest. I dunno, I think , at least in my dream, we were both needy. Both so wanting something. And then my hands found their way under her pj's top, and then I felt her hands sliding up my t-shirt... and god, I wanted it so much. I wanted her to touch me, to touch my breasts, to touch me all over. And we fell over on the bed, and my mind just blanked, cause I started to unbutton her top, and started kissing her....in no way I ever kissed a woman before...and in no place I kissed a woman before. And then my mouth found her breasts, and her nipples, and I started sucking on her nipple... and she moaned her pleasure...and I woke up...panting... and my nipples were hard... and I was wet....and GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
And then there's the one that...just totally has me wigged. Cause it happens after she comes back from England. And ...we're meditating together, like we started after the Narl attacked her. And ...then...we're not meditating anymore. We're in each other's arms...and we fall over on the bed. And...kiss...and more than kiss...and soon we're totally naked. And I like being naked beside her...and WHAT'S THAT ABOUT???? And ....we get closer...our skin touching...and I'm getting more and more turned on...and then....she's kissing me...not on the lips...on my body...on my breasts...and I'm getting hotter...and she's...oh, god, she's between my legs...and then her hips are over my face...and I pull her down... and I taste her fully...and oh god, I love it.... And I wake up...and I'm all squirmy, cause even in my sleep I was touching myself....and I'm so aroused now, I can't stop...and I know I musta been moaning...but I bite my lip...to keep quiet... and God I come so hard....never came that hard before......
What the hell is happening to me? What the hell ...I don't know... why am I dreaming this stuff? About Will?
And then, when she's in the hospital with me. I'm so hyper aware of her. How her hand feels in mine...and when she touches my face, I think I'm gonna die... and I'm scared silly by this. This woman, doing nothing, is scaring me senseless. I don't get this, I don't understand this. But it's so happening. And it can't happen, cause it'll ruin everything. So I lash out, act snotty...to drive her away.
And oh, boy, I did such a great job of it. She'll probably never talk to me now. Again. Ever.
And Dawn is pissed too. Never mind everybody else I pissed off.
So, can somebody please tell me what's going on here? Why this is happening? Now? When it shouldn't be happening?
And , what the hell am I supposed to do about it?
Because I'm totally clueless... again.
Buffy starts to wheel herself towards the elevators. She loses patience with the chair, saying " Screw this. I gotta get outta here!!!"
She ditches the chair, and makes for the stairs.
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TBC