I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 5
[reviews]
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
I'll see you in my heart
Part 5
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Buffy stood in the doorway to the lobby.
She knew what she had to do, but that really didn't make it any easier. She was totally ashamed of herself, and her behavior. She had every right to be ashamed. Thing to do was try to make it up. But she knew in some cases that probably wasn't going to happen.
Well, whatever I get, I got coming. I gotta try to make good, but don't think it's gonna fly. What can I say to explain it, anyway? ' Think I'm falling for Willow, I don't understand it. It freaked me, so I got bitchy'. Yeah. That's so gonna do it. Damn. Doesn't matter the reason... there's no excuse for what I did. I wish I were somebody, anybody else right now, so I could rag on me. Can I ask for forgiveness? Well, I can ask, but I don't deserve it. That's for sure.
"Hey, Blondie. How about moving your ass outta the way so other people can use the door?"
Buffy looks up to see Kennedy looking at her . She groans to herself. Great, just the person I need to see right now. Buffy moves to let Kennedy pass.
"Hey, good work, Buffy" Kennedy smirks at her. " You managed to blow off your friends. Well, I can tell ya, just what I expected out of you. Maybe they were too blind to see it, but I knew you'd show your true colors sooner or later"
Buffy bites her lip. Ok, I got this coming. I deserve it. Let her have her fun.
"Well, I gotta say for that at least I'm grateful to you. I think you're little display finally opened Wills eyes to you. Maybe she'll cut out all the hero worship she's got of you now, and see you for what you really are. An ungrateful, mean little blonde bitch." Kennedy is egging her on. She's so hoping Buffy'll lose her temper, throw a punch. She might even let the little blonde get a punch or two in. So she can tell Willow that Buffy attacked her. ' Then I'll just clean her clock'.
"Matter of fact, Buffy" Kennedy says, " why don't you just get lost? No one wants to talk to you. Not after how you treated them. Do us all a favor , huh? Oh, and don't let the door hit your butt on the way out"
" I dunno, Kenny, maybe you should be the one leaving" A voice, full of frost, comes from behind her.
Both slayers look behind them, and see a very upset Willow staring at them. But most of the anger right now seems to be directed at the younger slayer.
"Wills? What? She's been a total jerk. And you're angry at me?" Kennedy looks at Willow, not getting it. Figures.
"Yeah, Buffy was a jerk... and a bitch, no question about it. And she and I are gonna have a little talk about that one" Willow says, her face set in it's resolve mode. " But you're just plain hateful. I've never seen this outta you before, so I guess I wasn't really seeing you. God, I asked Buffy to be nicer to you. Try to be more of a friend to you. Because it was important to me. You were important to me. But ...you know what? I was totally wrong. You're a mean hearted little child. And I'm ashamed now I asked." Willow is getting angrier by the moment. Cardinal rule # 1... never piss off the witch. " I think you and I are done. Get your stuff outta the room, I don't want you in there anymore. I can't believe I thought I loved you. God, you're nothing . Less than nothing. "
" I don't get you!" Kennedy says, stunned by Willow's words. " I'm here giving Buffy a hard time for being mean to you, and you go and attack me. What's your deal, Wills?"
"No, Kenny, I heard you. You weren't trying to defend me. You were gloating. You even were glad she hurt me, because it made you look better. That isn't love, Kenny. That's just spite. You still don't get it. I'm not sure you'll ever get it. You say you love me, Kenny, but you're not down here protecting me, giving Buffy hell for what she did to me. You're here giving her hell for yourself, because it makes you happy to give her crap. Buffy is self involved, no question. YOU, are a selfish little bitch. Big difference. I know Buffy will think of others when it's needed...you...never. You're for Kennedy, alone. So, you should be alone. Certainly, not with me." Willow spits out the last part, disgusted by Kennedy at this point.
Kennedy looks at Willow like she's insane. She balls her fist, and takes one step towards her. She doesn't get any farther, because she finds herself lifted off her feet. Buffy has her by the back of the jacket, and is holding her off the ground.
" You wanted to use the door...use it" Buffy says, quietly. " Here's a tip. Get your stuff out of Willow's room, and go. Find somewhere else to be."
" You're not in charge of me" Kennedy says. She's struggling to get around, but Buffy has her held fast.
"You're right on that. But I can make you sorry you didn't take my advice" Buffy says. Her voice is still quiet, but the look in her eyes says it all.
She not too gently deposits Kennedy inside the lobby, and watches as Kennedy heads upstairs. She doesn't trust the younger slayer any further than she can see her.
" I'm sorry, Will" Buffy says.
" Buffy, don't, please. I'm in no mood for an apology right now" Willow says, clearly upset by what's happened.
"I'm sorry about that too, Will. But that's not what I meant. I meant, I'm sorry you saw that. I didn't think...she was like that. That bitter. I didn't want what happened, to happen" Buffy says. " I know you loved her"
"Yeah, well, seems like I'm finding out all sorts of stuff about the people I thought I knew" Willow says, a little bitter herself. "Thing is, Buffy, I thought I knew you. And you surprised me...and not pleasantly. I guess if you'd been that way just to me, or just to Giles, or someone else, I guess I could rationalize it. But, you did it to everyone. It was like we didn't matter to you, and that hurt, Buffy. Badly. I've known you for so long, and I never saw this before. Not that I remember. I didn't think you had that side in you. What else don't I know about you? I'm a little shaken. I thought I really knew you... finding this out kinda says I don't"
"Will...I... don't know how to make it up to you. I...can't explain what happened to me. But I'm so sorry, Will. I can't ask for your forgiveness. I know that. But I hope you'll forgive me, somehow" Buffy says. Even she knows that's lame.
"That's the point, Buffy. I don't know you. I thought I did. How can I forgive you, when I don't know what kind of relationship we can have...if we can even have one? What you did was so totally not you, at least what I thought as being you, that I just ...have to think. Think about it. Try to sort it. So for now, Buffy, best thing is we don't rush it. This really is to big to put a band-aid on it and hope it heals." Willow seems almost sad at having to say that.
Buffy is horrified. Willow angry she could take. Willow shouting at her she could take. But, no Willow at all? No...friendship, nothing? It's like she lost her right arm. She'd rather loose her right arm. ' What have I done?'
"Will...I...please..." Buffy manages to get out.
" Buffy, I don' think there's anymore to be said. Do you?"
She has to tell her. "Maybe if I tell her, she'll understand'. It's on her lips, she's about to say it...and stops. She realizes how...desperate and foolish it'll sound , on top of the rest. ' Gee, Will, I was such a bitch to everyone because I love you'. She finally got it. There was nothing she could say, or do to make it up. She had to accept the consequence of her actions.
"No, I...no" Buffy says, resigned.
Willow looks at Buffy with regret, then exits into the lobby
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
One by one, Buffy went around, making apologies.
She started with the former potentials. Most didn't care. They didn't know Buffy that well, one way or another, and her moods didn't effect them all that much. A few, resenting her for kicking out Kennedy, told her to ...well...even I won't repeat those words. They pretty much left the hotel, anyway. They didn't want to be in the same building with her.
She approached Xander next. He pretty much felt like Willow did. That he 'just didn't know her anymore'. She'd lost her right arm, now she lost her left one, too.
Dawn surprised her. She expected Dawn to be all down on her.
" Buffy, you really blew it. I guess I should be madder at you, but" Dawn shrugs, " I guess I can understand it. All the stuff hit you at once, and you kinda lashed out. Just kinda wish you'd woulda warned me. Geeze, you really were a total biotch. But, you're my sister, stupid. So I guess I can forgive you. But oh, you're so gonna hear about this forever" Dawn grinned at her. Buffy was so grateful, she just cried, and hugged Dawn tight. A bit too tight, as Dawn had to tell her to loosen up, she couldn't breathe.
Faith also surprised her.
"Well, B, now you get a taste of how I felt" Faith said, a small grin on her face. " Not too much fun, huh?"
"No, it's not. I guess I really know how you felt, now" Buffy says, quietly." It totally sucks".
" Yeah, well...get used to it. There's no quick fix. You gotta figure out how you're gonna fix it, and make your amends. It's tough, but you'll get it...eventually".
"Look, Faith, I'm sorry for what happened between us...." Buffy starts, but Faith cuts her off.
" C'mon, B, lets not get mushy now. Let's face facts. We were both slayers when there wasn't supposed to be more than one. So, we didn't understand or 'get' each other. I was jealous of what you had, and face it, you were jealous of what I had. We're never gonna be buds, B. That's just not in the cards. But we can respect each other, and not get all pissy at each other. Deal?"
"Deal" Buffy smiles her first smile that day." Sorry"
"Yeah, well, I'll go easier on you than me. You only gotta do 1 year of prison" Faith laughs.
"You're just too kind" Buffy says.
"Ya, I know. Don't abuse it" Faith grins at her.
But, probably the one who surprised her the most was Giles.
She knocked hesitantly on his door. Giles opened it, looked at her, and waved her in. He motioned to a chair. She sat.
"I suppose you're here to apologize" Giles said, getting right to it.
"Ummm...Yeah. " Buffy said, a little taken aback at his manner. He didn't seem angry at all. " Look, Giles, I'm really sorry about how I treated you... I don't know what came over me" Giles stops her.
" I do" He says. She looks at him, wide eyed. He knows??? " Look, Buffy. I remember you doing this before."
"Huh?" She says. She hasn't a clue. Surprise, huh?
" Remember back when you thought the Master was going to be resurrected?" Giles says, quietly. " How you were when you came back from visiting your father in L.A.?"
"Uhhh... no" Buffy says, puzzled. What is he talking about?
" You came back, and you acted strangely. You were cold, you ...were distant...frankly, you were as you put it, a bitch" Giles says. " You treated everybody pretty shabbily, as I recall"
Buffy, the memory coming back, looks even guiltier.
"Oh...yeah" Crap. I'm a bitch...and just forgot it.
" Do you remember why?" Giles asks. " Why you acted that way?"
"uhhh...not really?" Buffy says, looking puzzled.
" You were afraid,. Buffy. Afraid the master would be resurrected, and that you'd have to face him again. Afraid, I think, that you'd lose". Giles says. " You were shoving us away, I believe to protect us. To keep us from getting hurt".
Buffy just looks at him. She's not sure why he's explaining this. She doesn't understand why he's being so understanding.
" I think that's what happened here. You have issues you need to resolve. Something fundamental, something that goes deep to the core. And you're reacting by shoving people away, again. I don't know what it is , but you have to figure it out and face it. Or, you'll just keep dealing with it like you are now."
Buffy sits quietly, but inside her emotions are churning. She knows the issue, she just doesn't have a clue of how to deal. It's totally confusing to her, and scary. But she knows she has to tell someone. She can't keep this inside anymore.
"Giles. If I tell you something, I need you to promise you won't tell anyone else" Buffy says, looking at him.
" Buffy, I can't guarantee that." Giles says.
"Giles, please. It's nothing illegal...I just need to be sure that it'll go no further," Buffy says.
" Very well, Buffy." Giles says. " I promise"
" I...things ...have been changing, Giles" Buffy starts. This is harder than she thought it would be. " With me. The way I feel about certain people...well, I mean, at least one person...is changing. In a way I never expected. It's very confusing to me. I'm trying to understand it, deal with it. But, it ... changes a lot of things. " Buffy stops, confused a little.
"Buffy... that's not very clear" Giles says. " I'm afraid I don't understand what you're trying to say"
Buffy blushes, and then blurts out, " It's Willow"
Giles still looks confused. " What about Willow?" He asks.
" Its all so confusing, Giles. I just don't understand it. I... have ...dreams about her. Weird dreams" Buffy says.
" Slayer dreams?" Giles inquires. None of this is making sense.
"N-N-No" Buffy says, her reactions getting stranger by the minute.
"I don't understand, Buffy. You're dreaming about Willow, how?" Giles asks.
Buffy blushes, and looks at her feet.
"Buffy...?" Giles says, still not getting it.
"I'm...seeing Willow in a different way, Giles. Differently than I have before" Buffy says.
"Well...things are changing, Buffy. That would mean relationships too. It's natural enough that there might be a ...change in how close you two are... what, with Sunnydale being destroyed, and all. You might drift apart..." Giles says. He figures that she's feeling some sort of loss of friendship.
"No...Giles...that's not what I mean. I mean...I...oh, god, I think I love her Giles" Buffy finally says it.
"Love her? Well...hmmm...like a sister you mean? Like you love Dawn?" Giles is confused. That doesn't seem all that earth shattering.
"No...not like Dawn. Ewwww. I mean... like...like... I loved Angel. Like that" Buffy says.
" Oh" Giles says. The dots finally connect in his mind. " Oh, my"
" What does it mean, Giles? I mean...I ...never felt like this about another woman before. It's ...strange. I mean, I know being gay is no big, I guess. But I...never thought...me? I'm like...does this make me... gay? Or what? And... why Willow? And...why now? And...oh, god I so don't get this. I don't understand why it's happening. I ...shouldn't feel these things...and it's totally freaking me."
" I don't know what to say, Buffy" Giles mused. " this is rather...unexpected".
"Unexpected? UNEXPECTED? A...flat tire on the freeway. that's unexpected. THIS is nuts!" Buffy says, panic setting in. " This has to be some kinda demon thing...or...magic...why would Will cast some spell on me? No... that doesn't make sense...wait! Ethan Rayne. He worships Chaos...maybe this is HIS doing ! We gotta do something, Giles!"
" Buffy, I think you're blowing this a little out of proportion, don't you?" Giles says, gently chiding her.
"NO, GILES! I ... I can't be in love with her. God, no, it...no way"
" Buffy, it's not unheard of " Giles says gently.
"You don't understand. If...I do love her, I've totally screwed it up. She doesn't want to talk to me, Giles, she doesn't even think we can be friends anymore. There's not even a chance now. I've lost her before..." Buffy sits down, all of it hitting her at once.
" Buffy, surely you can make it up with her. I mean, you've been close for years" Giles says.
"I...really don't know. She said this afternoon that she saw something in me she didn't know, and didn't like. And ... she felt she didn't really know me anymore, Giles. It was...like...goodbye."
Giles doesn't answer. Anything he says at this point would be superfluous . He just lets her vent.
"I've screwed it up, Giles. Totally. I don't know how to fix it. What do I do now, Giles?" Buffy says, the realization that it all might be lost.
" What am I gonna do now?"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TBC