I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 6
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 6
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Willow pondered the woman in the mirror, and wondered what she was about.
It was evident she'd been crying. Her eyes were swollen and red. She looked miserable, foolish and remorseful.
The break up with Kennedy was hard.. Really hard. Willow wasn't casual girl; she'd invested a lot of emotions into Kennedy. Telling her to leave , even though she knew it was the right thing to do, still hurt. But what she'd said to Buffy, the way she'd gloated over Willow's pain, just...was wrong. So wrong. Willow realized that she'd jumped into the 'relationship' without really thinking about it. Maybe because she wanted to find someone to make her feel loved again. Maybe she needed to be loved again. Whatever the reason, she'd leaped before she looked, and now was paying the price.
'Why didn't I see her...the real her, before this? How could I be so foolish to think that I knew her? I obviously didn't know her. What she said today...was just so...awful. It was like someone else took over her body. But, if I'd been really paying attention, I'd have seen it. I could see the signs before. I just didn't want to believe them.
' She seemed so right. She seemed like she really loved and cared about me. I guess I really wanted to believe that. That I needed that feeling again. Being loved. And I loved her back. I guess, not enough, however. Not enough for her. Her jealousy of Buffy was...total. And considering all...truly dumb. Whatever my feelings for Buffy, they weren't returned, and I knew that. I wasn't looking for that from Buffy. Woulda been kinda pointless, ya know? But I guess Kenny couldn't even deal with the relationship I had with Buffy. Which is kind of scary. I mean...I'm not supposed to have any friends? I've known Buffy forever, but I was supposed to blow her off? Well, I guess that's how Kenny felt. I can't understand that kind of possessiveness. It's not healthy.
And she was so ...vicious. I mean, ok. She and Buffy have never been friends. That's no secret. But saying those things. And gloating over her pain... and MINE. That ....just was ...it. I couldn't be with her after that. That's beyond bitchiness. That is just cruelty. And it was ugly. After I told her to leave, I thought she was going to hit me. She looked like she was going to. If Buffy hadn't intervened, I think she would've. Damn, Willow, how could you be so stupid? So damned blind to the girl's dark side?
I guess I wanted to be loved so badly, that I just accepted what came along. Kenny was so...aggressive in flirting with me, seemed so loving to me...ok, and that tongue stud? Totally cool. But she wanted me so much, that I mistook it for love. So, in some weird twisted bizzaro world way, I got what I wanted. Then, I realized I didn't want it. And why was that? Why didn't I want it?
Buffy.
That's why.
It seems it's always been that way. Even with Tara, whom I loved dearly, I still had a bit reserved for Buffy alone. And knowing how smart Tara was, I know she must have sensed it. But she never said anything about it. She was never jealous of it, she accepted it as part of who I am, and just let it go. Ah, Tara baby, I still miss you so. I wish you were still here.
Things so changed after Tara died. I went evil, nearly destroying the world. And when I came back from England, after my 'recovery' I could sense things had changed. I expected it, but it didn't make it easier. It was hard watching Xander not knowing how to act around me. It hurt that Dawn still so distrusted me. I love Dawnie like a sister.
But the worst of all was Buffy. The distrust in her eyes was like a shield. We could be in the same room, standing next to each other, but it was like we were miles away from each other. I know she tried, tried hard, to reach out, to accept me again. But I felt it in my bones. The ... suspicion, the waiting to see if I would lose control again. The ...fear. That was the worst. She feared me. I'm not saying I've never seen Buffy afraid. She's been afraid a lot of times. But never of me.
All the stuff we'd had together was gone. The closeness, the ease around each other. The ability to tell each other the truth, and not have to worry that it would break us up. It was gone.
I guess I felt isolated. A part, but not really a part of the group. I guess that's why when Kenny came along, seeming to want me, I feel so easily into it. Because I needed to be needed, to be wanted. And I didn't feel that from Buffy, or Xander, or Dawn.
Sure, Will, go ahead, blame them. They're at fault, right? Like, they made you go evil, right? Did you even TRY to ask them for support? No. You went on your vengeance spree. You decided to go evil, to absorb the dark magic. Because you yourself didn't trust them enough to help you. All you could see was your pain, Will. All you could see was getting even, making everyone pay for your pain. Be honest, Will, at least with yourself. You were already close to that state anyway. Tara was just an excuse. If Warren hadn't shot her, Will, who's to say what would have happened the first time you two fought? What if you'd gotten all dark, and destroyed Tara? That was a very real possibility. What would that have done to you ,Will? Would you have been able to recover from the guilt?
So, it's really not fair to blame them, is it, Will? They may not have been falling over themselves to take you back, but they did. They took you back, even though you pushed them away first.
You've so learned you're lesson, right Will? So, when Buffy got all bitch mode at the hospital, and pushed you away. What? What do you do? Push her away again. Good, Will. That so made things right. Where is a little of that forgiveness they gave you? She goes bitchy, and you punish her for it more than they punish you for nearly killing them all. You're good Will, so good sometimes.
Why was Buffy in bitch mode, anyway? I know she doesn't like hospitals. I'm pretty sure it has to do with her mom, and her death, and the whole Glory/ Ben thing(how she almost dated Ben...ewwww, now that we know that Ben was Glory). I know for a fact they give her the Wiggins. And being in one is major Wiggins time. But that still isn't enough to explain the hostility. Something else was there. Something else was eating at her, bothering her. And she didn't tell anyone. She didn't tell me.
Willow sighs
And that's it. That's what hurt so much. Why I overreacted to her attitude, finally. We still don't trust...no, she still doesn't trust ME enough to tell me what's bothering her. I hate that, and it hurts. I know, I know I should just accept it, but it...just is too much. Along with trying to please her every whim, trying to get her to stop being so mean... she hides something important from me. Something that would help me understand why she acted that way. I know it.
Willow feels tears in her eyes, but they are hot, angry tears.
When do you cut me a break, Buffy? When do you forgive me? You've done some hurtful things to me in the past, and I've forgiven you. But, are you ever going to forgive me this, Buffy? What more do I have to do Buffy? How many times do I have to knock on the door to your heart to let me back in? After all we've been through, after all the time we've been together, after all we've meant to each other, how can you keep your heart so cold to me? HOW?
It's so not fair, Buffy Summers. So totally wrong. That I should feel so much for you, and you feel nothing for me. Nothing. It's beyond cruel, Buffy.
Willow cries for a while longer, then gets herself under control. Then she laughs a little. It's a mirthless, self-deprecating laugh.
I have every right to be angry with you, Buffy. I should stay angry with you. Tell you to bite me, to take your act and shove it. To tell you that you don't mean squat to me(ok, big lie), and that I don't need you( lie # 2). If I had an ounce of pride, that's what I should do.
But the funniest thing? The real laugh riot? I hate this worse. I hate it worse than the feeling of being rejected, the feeling of isolation, the attitude you gave me. Even worse than seeing fear in your eyes when looking at me. I hate us being apart. This being angry at each other is worse.
So, guess what, Buffy? You win. I can't take this. It's like stabbing myself in my own heart Even though I should make you come to me, I'll come to you. You win, Buffy. I can't take it. You win again
As you always do.
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Buffy is sitting on a stone bench in the garden.
It's a warm California evening, the sky is clear. The moon is bright overhead, and what few stars you can see in Los Angeles are out. There is a small breeze blowing, not enough to make it chilly, just enough to keep the air moving.
Buffy is enjoying the evening. Well, as much as she can, all things considered. But she's just thinking about things, and trying to sort out the mess she's made. All in all, right now she's doing ...fair.
' I so wish life came with " do-overs". I 'd surely take one now for the last week or so. Why'd I have to be so pissy and bitchy, anyway? Why couldn't I just deal? Just accept what I was feeling, and not really make a thing of it? Why is it when it comes to personal stuff, I still act like a 15 year old?
I guess I just wasn't ready for it. Wasn't prepared for it. I mean, you don't just wake up one morning, jump out of bed and sing at the top of your lungs " I'm GAAAY". Geeze. I don't even know if I'm gay, or what I am. I mean it's not like I have any strong desire to go cruisin' for girls or anything. That's what's so weird. It's ...just Will. I mean, Faith's a hottie, no question. But I don't have this kind of attraction to her. The hotel is full of women, and I'm not getting gaga over them. So, what's different about Will? Why her?
I dunno, I can't explain it. If I could, I probably could write a bestseller and make a fortune. But I'm totally clueless. News Flash: Buffy Clueless. Film at 11. Yeah, like that's so new. I don't know what it is , but I know when I think of here I get major tingly. When she's around, even when she's mad at me(like now), I get nervy and shy and stupid. Ok, I already had stupid, but I still get nervy and shy. Not supposed to be this way with your best friend, is it? Not that it matters. I think 'best friend' days are over.
I really don't think I can deal with these feelings, knowing Will is totally pissed at me, and maybe our friendship is history. Being around her, but not being able to talk to her is just too hard. I know I deserve it, after the way I acted, but that doesn't make it easier.
"Buff? You out here?" A male voice interrupts her reverie.
Xander Harris, looking a bit rakish with his eye patch(black leather, of course), comes out into the garden.
"Hey, Xander" Buffy says. Oh, great...more shots at the slayer. Ah well, I got it coming. Go for it , Xander.
"Hey, Buffy" Xander says, and sits next to her. He sits for a minute, quiet, then continues. " Ummm, Buffy?"
"Yeah, Xander?" Buffy braces for it.
" Look, Buff. Maybe I was a bit harsh earlier. I guess what I'm saying is that, I know you were in full bitch mode, and it stung a bit. Ok, a lot. But, I guess with all that happened, and the fact you were hurting, and all the rest, I should have cut you some slack. I know I've been a jackass more than a few times in the past, and you've managed to forgive me. And visa versa. So, I think , maybe I could do that again?" Xander gets it all out, maybe panting a little towards the end.
Buffy wasn't expecting this, and it hits her harder than she expected. She feels tears in her eyes, and she only manages to get out "Really?"
"Yeah. Hey, it's kinda hard to be a slayerette without a slayer, don't ya think?" He smiles at her. "So, is this the part where we hug and make out...er...up?"
Buffy laughs, and throws her arms around his neck. She plants a kiss on his cheek. She then puts her head on his shoulder.
"Thanks, Xander. It really means a lot" She says, hugging him.
They sit like that for awhile, then Buffy turns to Xander.
"So, Xander. What are you going to do now?" She asks, knowing Xander is still grieving for Anya.
" I dunno, Buff. Maybe do Xander Harris Road Trip, part 2. Look around America. Find a life for myself. I don't think I can do this anymore" he says, quietly.
" You really miss her, don't you?" Buffy says. They both know who she means. Xander nods, not saying anything...afraid to trust his voice. Buffy hugs him tighter, comforting him. She realizes that no matter what, she's going to miss him. Xander gently disengages himself.
" I better get inside. I have some packing to do before I leave." Xander says, getting up.
"You're going now?" Buffy asks
"In the morning. I've already said goodbye to Will, and to Giles, and to Dawnie. But I wanted to make it up with you before I leave. Didn't want to leave it on a bad note".
Buffy stands, and hugs him again. She reaches up, and puts a small kiss on his lips.
" You take care of yourself, Xander Harris. Hear me? And, don't forget to write me. Ok?" Buffy says, feeling a little nostalgic already. " I'm going to be in England with Giles, so you can reach me there".
" Yeah, the G-man mentioned that to me. Are you sure that's what you really want to do, Buffy?" Xander asks. Unbeknownst to either Buffy or Willow, Xander has already put 2 and 2 together...and knows that there's something there between them ... more than friendship. No one ever gets that Xander really DOES see it all... and gets a lot more than most give him credit for.
" I really think I need to. The fact is I don't want anymore slayers having to go through what I did. I think it's important I do this. And, there are the schools for Dawnie. Frankly, there's really nothing here for me, ya know?" Buffy says, maybe a little wistfully.
"Nothing?" Xander says, cocking an eyebrow
"Nothing, Xander" Buffy says. Yeah, nothing. Certainly no Will.
" Look, Buffy... I know Willow's pissed right now, but you'll make it up" Xander says.
"I'm not sure, Xander. She was... more like sad than pissed. Like she'd lost her best friend" Buffy sees his look. " Her GIRL best friend".
"Don't give up on her, Buffy. Give her a chance to think about it. She'll come around"
"Maybe this'll be the best for both of us, Xander. Give us both time to think." Buffy says, but her heart really isn't in it.
" Ok, Buffy. But don't throw away 7 good years over one fight...ok?" Xander almost pleads with her.
" I promise, Xan. I won't" Buffy smiles at him.
" Well, take care Buffy."
Xander gives her a final hug, turns and walks into the lobby.
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Willow entered the garden from the hotel lobby.
Willow had been looking around for Buffy, hoping, and contrarily, hoping she wouldn't, run into Buffy. She did however, run into Xander who mentioned that Buffy was sitting out in the garden. So, working up her nerve, she came out here to talk to her.
She stood for a minute and watched as the slayer looked up at the night sky. She wished she could just freeze time here. It gave her some pleasure just to watch Buffy(ok, she's got it bad). It was pleasant, standing here. Could almost pretend that nothing was wrong between them. 'Once I walk over there, that illusion will be so shattered' Willow sighed to herself. So she stood there, enjoying these few last moments.
Finally, she moved to the bench where Buffy was sitting, and sat down beside her.
"Hey, Buffy" Willow said, quietly.
"Hey, Will" Buffy replied. Then she remembered that they were fighting. Well, Will was anyway." Oh, did you want me to leave?"
Willow looked at her, and gave her a strange look. Buffy got a little nervous. Even more nervous when Willow got a strange grin on her face, and laughed a little.
"What? ... WHAT?" Buffy asked, totally puzzled.
" A little Déjà vu, Buffy," Willow said, smiling." That was the first thing I think I said to you when we met, way back in High School"
"Really?" Buffy said, puzzled by Will's attitude. But grateful, nonetheless. " I ...didn't remember"
"Yeah. Then you introduced yourself and said you wanted a favor..." Willow starts, but Buffy interrupts.
"... but as far as I know, it doesn't require you leaving. It might mean hanging out with me for awhile" Buffy finished.
Both women smiled a little at that. They'd hung out for 7 years.
"So, could we hang out for a little while, then?" Willow asks, softly.
"Yeah, sure Will" Buffy said, bewildered. Wondering why Will wasn't giving her a harder time about stuff.
Both women are silent, looking up at the night sky. Then Willow interrupts the silence.
"Hey...look Buffy. There it is " Willow said, a little excitedly.
"Huh?" Buffy asks, not understanding.
"You gotta look real carefully...hard to see in the L.A. sky...but there" Willow points.
"Ummm... Will? I don't get it?" Buffy says, confused.
"Cassiopeia. Don't you see it?" Willow says. She's smiling a little.
" Cassiopeia? I.... Oh, yeah" Buffy says, blushing a little. The memory is coming back to her.
" It was ...what? Oh, must have been 3 Christmases ago. Everyone was ..." Willow stops. Alive. The reminder is a little painful. "Anyway...you and I ...well, we'd had way too much spiked eggnog. We were...well...buzzed. We somehow wound up in your backyard. Lying on the grass, looking up at the night sky. For some reason, I was pointing out the constellations to you. And you, I think, were trying to keep up...anyway, you had your serious face on" Willow said, enjoying the memory.
"Serious face?" Buffy asked
"You know...brows a little scrunched, and that cute little scrunchie you get between the brows." Willow smiles. She was looking at it now , cause Buffy had the same face going.
" Anyway, we got to Cassiopeia, and you started giggling. And I tried to figure out was so funny, so I said it again. And you started laughing harder. And I still was puzzling over it, and you just started rolling with laughter. Finally, you said, " Ok, Will, where does Cassie go Pee when she gotta?" and...I was just drunk enough to try to figure out an answer, and you just lost it then." Willow is giggling a little at the memory. Buffy joins her in it.
The laughter gradually fades, and the silence resumes. It's starting to get a little awkward. They look at each other, then look away, a little embarrassed? Scared? Both want to say " I'm sorry" and both want to fix this. But neither can seem to start. Finally, Buffy speaks.
"Look, Will...I've been thinking, a lot. I really screwed up. I thought a lot about what you said to me. And, I think you might be right. Maybe I have changed...and not all for the better." Buffy says, her voice quiet.
"Buffy... wait...I.." Willow starts, but Buffy stops her.
"No, Will... please, this is hard enough for me. Let me finish, then ...say whatever you need to, ok?" Buffy begs.
" Ok, Buffy" Willow says. She doesn't like the sound of this.
" I think maybe you're right. We need some time to think about things. See where things are going... with us, that is. Giles asked me to come to England for a year, to help set up the new council. They are having a policy and planning committee meet. We will decide how the new Watcher's Council is going to deal with the question of multiple slayers. I think I could have some valuable input. So...I accepted." Buffy says." Look, Will. This strain between us didn't just happen. It's been building for a long time. I think what I did at the hospital just was the ...last straw for you. It's been going on for awhile. Maybe even before Tara's death..."
Willow sees the truth in what Buffy is saying. They had been drifting apart...even before Tara was killed, and she went ...evil. To be honest, it really had started when Will had brought Buffy back. She hadn't known at the time, but she'd ripped Buffy out of paradise...perfect peace and contentment. She honestly thought she'd saved Buffy from a hell dimension, and couldn't understand Buffy's attitude at being back. It wasn't until Sweet had forced it out of Buffy, that she knew. And the guilt grew...and things kinda slid downhill from there. So much bad, so much pain had happened after that.
"... so, I'm thinking, maybe this break will be a good thing for us, Will. I don't want to lose our friendship, Will. It means too much too much to me. It's in a really bad place right now, but if we take the time, and really examine how we feel about each other, maybe we can repair it. Refocus our energies towards making it work. Anyway, that's what I think." Buffy says, finishing up.
Willow looks at Buffy, and this tiny little ache starts in her heart. This is so not what she wanted to hear. She has this sinking feeling that if Buffy leaves, they might not get back together again. But as she looks at Buffy's face, she thinks that maybe this is something Buffy needs. Something to help resolve whatever it is that's bothering her. Whatever she's hiding. Will so doesn't like that idea either, but right now, she feels she has to accept it.
" Ok, Buffy" Willow says, resigned." I'm not going to say this is what I want. But, if this is what you need... then maybe it's for the best" She gets up to go. She can feel tears coming on, and doesn't want to cry in front of Buffy.
" Will, I'm sorry...I really am sorry. For everything" Buffy looks at her for forgiveness.
" I know, Buffy" Willow says, feeling very old and weary. " I know"
Willow walks through the doors, back into the lobby
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It's a week later. Giles, Buffy and Willow are standing at the British Airways terminal at LAX
Dawn wasn't here...she would be joining Buffy and Giles in England in a week. She wanted some more time in L.A. before going to London.
It's been a hard week for both Buffy and Willow. They've been avoiding each other. Not by design, but more directed subconsciously. Both are anxious. This is the first time they've really been parted in 7 years. Even when Willow went to England with Giles over the summer, for her recovery, it was with the expectation that she would return. This time, return wasn't as sure.
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" That's our flight" Giles says to Buffy. " I guess this is goodbye" He goes to Willow, and takes her in a hug. He's going to miss the redheaded Wicca. They had become close over the years. He considered her as his other daughter, after Buffy.
Willow takes Giles into a tight hug, and looks up at him. She's going to miss the man who's been like a second father to her.
"Goodbye, Giles. Don't get too crazy on us now" She quips, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. She feels the tears starting, and buries her head in his chest. He holds her, allowing her to cry.
They break the embrace, and Giles smiles gently at her. He grabs his carryon, and heads towards the gate. He knows the two women need some time alone. He's British, not foolish.
" So, I guess this is it, then" Willow says, afraid to look at Buffy. Afraid she'll start crying again.
" I'll be back, Will. I promise. In a year" Buffy said, not looking at Willow, either. She already felt the tears forming in her eyes.
Will you, Buffy? Will you really? Willow wonders to herself. Right now, she doesn't want to face the answer to those questions.
Somehow, the two women find themselves in a tight hug. Both are crying a little, as this is really hurting both of them.
"I'm going to miss you, Buffy" Willow says. She is already missing Buffy.
"Me, too, Will. Me too" Buffy replies. This is so much harder than she thought.
They hold each other for a few more moments, then break the embrace. The tears are now openly falling on each woman's face.
" Take care, Buffy. Be safe" Willow says, her heart starting to crack.
"Will...this is not the end...it isn't. We...we mean too much to each other" Buffy says. She wishes now she weren't going. But it was too late to change her mind now. So she believes, anyway.
Willow just looks at her. Buffy, her heart one big ache, turns to get her carryon...she starts to lift it, then lets it drop. She turns back, and walks towards Willow.
Willow, surprised, looks at Buffy approaching her. She doesn't understand what Buffy's doing.
Buffy comes up to Willow, and takes Willow's face in her hands.
" I love you, Will" And with that, she leans in, and kisses her gently on the lips.
Buffy turns, and grabs her carryon. She runs up the boarding ramp, and out of sight.
Willow just stands there, stunned.
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TBC