I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 7
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 7
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Buffy realized she'd made a mistake.
A lot of mistakes. Seems like, she'd been making one mistake after another since they defeated The First. Not going to the hospital when she'd been wounded. Acting like a total bitch while in the hospital. Pushing Will away, again. Maybe causing the break-up of Will and Kenny(though, she wasn't too sorry about that...not after that little scene with Kenny in the garden). Not understanding her feelings for Willow, then not admitting them. Not telling Willow about them sooner. Then telling her at the Airport. Then running away. Getting on this Airplane, at all.
'What the hell am I doing? I'm running away, again. Like when I couldn't deal about Angel. Like, when I couldn't deal with Riley(ok, not a run, but withdrew). Like...god, all my relationships that went beyond friendship. What's wrong with me, anyway? Why can't I , once, stay and just face what's happening? IS there anything happening. Does Will even want ...something more? Did I give her a chance to even react? Hell, no, I ran outta there before she could tell me if she felt the same way, or to take a hike. So I still don't know how she feels. She could be back there crying, or ready to hit me with a rock, or laughing her ass off at me. Maybe I couldn't deal with rejection, either. I think that'd really kill me. If she didn't feel the same way. God, I can even see the look in her eyes. Sad, like saying " Poor Buffy, ya dope. What gives you the idea I could even feel the same way?". She probably blames me for her and Kenny breaking up. Probably is my fault. She wouldn't have acted that way except for me. I know I pissed off Kenny as much as she pissed me off. I didn't really try to understand her, I guess. I gotta wonder if I understand anything, sometimes.
So, how am I gonna deal, anyways? I've been in the air a few hours, and I already am missing her. Missing her laugh, her smile. Her little encouragements, her gentle chiding when I'm totally off base. I'm missing the way she'll take my hand when I'm feeling off, or how she just sits by me, not speaking, when she knows I'm upset. Just letting me know she's there for me. Or, how she'll just give me an arm around the shoulder hug, for no other reason than she thinks I need it. God, I miss her babbling. Like when she's nervous, or trying to hide something...it's too damned cute. And how her face lights up when she's happy. That incredible smile, and her eyes get all sparkly, like emeralds. Stop it, Buffy. You could do this for hours. It's just torture, ya know? You got it bad, you miss her. Grow up.
The thing is, Buffy, you've changed everything. No matter what happens, how she feels, what we had is history. That old easy being together, just hanging together feeling is gone. So gone. If she feels the same, there might be a chance we can get part of it back. But, if she doesn't...well... our friendship is probably done too. Be too awkward to hang together anymore... her knowing how I feel, and she not feeling the same. You really blew it . Buffy. Why couldn't you've just let things be? At least then you and Will might still be buds. No, you couldn't do that, could you ? You had to tell her, just as you're leaving, that you love her...and then KISS her. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY? You weren't thinking. That's the whole problem. Hormones. I thought when you got older, hormones were in control Yeah, right. You're so smart, Buffy. Now, on top of everything else, Will's gonna think your nuts. Who else but a mental says " I love you" for the first time, kisses someone for the first time, then flies off 8000 miles? Dumb, so dumb. So damned dumb!
So, now what? I go to England. Work on the council with Giles. Get Dawnie into some decent school. Try to forget this ever happened. Hide. Lie. Pretend I was hit with temporary insanity. And deny, deny, deny. Never see Will again, have a big What if hanging over my head. Have loads of regrets, and missed chances. Live alone, never loving anyone. Have a houseful of cats, and die bitter and alone. Yup, sounds just like it should be. I have a new destiny. Slay vamps, be a dork, alienate my friends, never admit to loving anyone, and die. You're an ass, Buffy Summers. Ya know that? A total ass.
Huh? How long has Giles been talking to me? What?
" I'm sorry, Giles. I didn't hear you. What did you say?" Buffy asks, coming out of her reverie
" I said, Buffy, you seem rather quiet. Is everything Ok?" Giles looks at Buffy; a questioning expression on his face.
"Oh, yeah, I'm great Giles" Buffy lies, forcing a bogus smile onto her face." Just peachy"
"Quite so." Giles replies " Did I mention that I'm trading in my tweed suits for Armani silk, start wearing Gucci loafers, and will be driving a Maserati in London? I mean, if we're going to be telling whoppers, thought I'd get a few in".
"Gee, Giles" Buffy says. "Sarcastic much?"
"Only when you try to lie to me, Buffy" Giles says." I know you believe me to be irrelevant" Giles catches her expression, and waves it off " you do, Buffy. And that I'm...how would you say it? Clueless? Yes, clueless. But I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you. I have a pretty good idea what, but maybe you'd like to enlighten me?"
"It's really nothing, Giles" Buffy evades." I'm just thinking about stuff"
"I see" Giles says, his tone a bit ironic." And would that stuff happen to have red hair, green eyes, and go by the name Willow?"
Buffy looks at him, chagrined. When did you become perceptive guy, anyway?
" Even we fossils have our moments,. Buffy" He continues, as if he read her thoughts." I know I was a bit slow on the uptake when you told me how you felt about her, but I've had time to think about it. Question is, Buffy, what're you going to do about it?"
"Do about it? What do you mean?" Buffy says, trying to so not talk about this with Giles, of all people.
" I mean, do you plan on telling her any time in this lifetime?" Giles replies, not letting her off the hook.
" I did tell her, Giles" Buffy says
"Indeed?" Giles is surprised." So, how did she take it? How did she react."
" I dunno" Buffy says, back to evading.
" You don't know? How is that possible?" Giles asks, puzzled.
"Well, I told her right before boarding the plane. Didn't wait to see her reaction" Buffy says, turning so she doesn't have to look into Giles' eyes.
Giles removes his glasses and cleans them. He sighs, and puts them on. This discussion probably isn't going to be pleasant.
"Buffy, did you think you could just ambush Willow with this news? Imagine how she is feeling right now" Giles admonishes Buffy as gently as he can. " How would you feel if someone did that?". Giles knows that she's been 'ambushed' before.
Buffy's face looks like she's swallowed something vile. She hadn't really thought about how this would affect Willow... she had just wanted Willow to know she was for real, that she was coming back. Now, she had to wonder if Willow would want her to come back. How could she be so stupid?
"I've really messed this all up, Giles. I didn't even think. Oh, man what am I gonna do?" Buffy says, obviously upset. Everything she's done lately has nearly cost her any relationship with Willow. But this could just finally do it. " I really don't want to lose her, Giles".
" We're going to have a layover in New York. We should be there in 2 hours, or so. I would use that time to call her. At least try to find out how she took it. See if you can try work it out. It may be that you'll have to cancel the rest of your flight to London. Go back to L.A. ... frankly, I don't know. But if this is really important to you, you're going to have to do whatever it takes, Buffy." Giles says. He went quiet after that. He'd said enough. It was up to Buffy now.
Whatever it takes. What does that mean? Would she be able to even get Willow to talk to her? It was all so confusing to Buffy. For what seemed forever, Willow and she had been able to talk about anything. Then, that seemed to fade. As things happened, as they were no longer as close. Now it seemed ...guarded between them. Some things seemed off limits now. So, how were they supposed to have an honest discussion about this.
And, what IS this anyway? Love? Is it real love? The feelings were there, the thoughts were there. But thoughts and feelings, and love itself are different. How are we going to find out, except to try? But would Will even want to try? Am I getting worked up over nothing? It's not nothing. Not to me...but to Will? And how will I even know what she feels, unless I'm with her? See her eyes, watch her reaction? I don't know, I just don't know.
Buffy tortured herself for two hours, her mind ping-ponging over various scenarios. She finally felt some small relief when the captain announced they would be landing at JFK International in 10 minutes. She could barely sit still in her seat. All she wanted to do was make a call to Willow, try to explain. Finally, she deplaned. Rushing into the terminal, she used her cell and called Willow's cell... it rang 4 times, then she got Willow's voice mail:
"Blessed be. You got the voice mail of Willow Rosenberg.
Please leave your name, phone number and a brief message,
or I'll have to turn you into a frog. I'll get back to you as soon
as possible. Bye"
Buffy left a message, marking it "urgent". Every ten minutes, for the next 90 minutes, she called Will's cell, trying to get her, only getting her voice mail. She kept leaving messages, marking them urgent. In each message, her voice sounded more and more anxious. ' Please, Will, please call back', but a call never came. It finally struck her that Will wasn't going to call back, that she probably turned off her phone, not wanting to hear from her. Not wanting to talk to her. Awhile after that, it came to her that even though she hadn't been able to make a decision 'til the last second, Will had come to one a lot faster. That she didn't want to talk, or see Buffy. Not now. Maybe... not ever. Buffy felt like someone had drained all the energy out of her. She sat down, and finally saw she'd screwed up for the last time. That some things just pushed things too far. It was odd. It hadn't been a big blow up. It hadn't been harsh words, or a big emotional scene. It had just been an accumulation of small things, that became bigger things, and then the final straw had been the goodbye at the airport. She'd been stupid, and foolish, and bit by bit, thrown it all away. Seven years of something special, something that could have been even more, gone.
Buffy closed her eyes, listening to the sounds of the airport, but her mind not really engaged with anything. At this moment, she just didn't care. She finally heard the announcement for boarding of the connecting flight to London. She got up, and walked to the gate. She seemed more tired than she'd been even the day they'd fought the first. She handed her boarding pass to the clerk, and walked up the ramp slowly.
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Willow looked at the ruins of her cell phone.
She walked over to where she'd thrown it, and kneeled down by it. 'Yup. History. Darn, I liked that phone, too'. She picked it up off the floor, and placed the pieces on her nightstand. She would have to replace it now. She wondered why she'd even tossed it like that.
But, she knew why. She was upset. Angry. Ok, just plain mad. She'd lost her temper, and threw her phone. Great. Why? Buffy Summers.
Ok, Buffy. Exactly WHAT KINDA GAME ARE YOU PLAYING HERE????? What do you think you're doing? Are you trying to make me crazy? Well, if so, you did a great job of it!!!!!
First, you nearly scare us all to death by nearly dying on us. Then, when you're in the hospital you act as if we're something you got stuck to your shoe. Then, after, you're all "sorry, sorry" and so, I think, ok, forgive you. I mean, we're friends, right?(I so gotta wonder about THAT one now!!!). Then, at the airport, when I'm all upset cause you're leaving anyway, and I can figure you're hiding something. Hey, I know you Buffy, get it? What do you do? At the very last second, right before you board, you tell me YOU LOVE ME!!!!! HUH? Then, just to make it perfect, you give me a kiss that I think I'm gonna have a heart attack over!!!!! And I'm like, stunned. Yeah, wouldn't YOU be? So, before I can say 'boo' you're outta sight. Gone. Off to England. For a year. And I'm here, stuck with this knowledge. NOW??? At the very last second? WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? Why couldn't you tell me earlier? 10 minutes earlier? 30 minutes earlier? A DAY earlier. Something. Something so I could tell you how I felt. That I love you too, stupid. And you might have picked up on it if you hadn't been so damned....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Why couldn't you talk to me, Buffy? What are you so afraid of? You're the bravest person I know, Buffy. I've seen you face things that would make most people run. I've seen you risk your life, give your life for others. But when it comes to something like this, something personal, you're the biggest coward I know. I thought I knew you, Buffy. But you keep surprising me. I've seen you scared before, Buffy. But I've never seen you run.
Ok, Willow, maybe that's a little harsh? I mean, look at the girl's history with romance and relationships. Angel, Riley...both left her. Spike...ok, that was just weird. Talk about your love — hate relationship taken to a whole new level. I think, however, Parker Abrams still haunts her. She still has the residual of that 'one nighter' that she never considered to be a one nighter. Don't care if it was supposed to be 'casual'. Why didn't he say anything? Why did he say all those things about himself, 'opening' himself to her? Don't care, he was a slimeball. And I think he affected her relationship with Riley. I don't think she let herself close with Riley because of Parker.
And that has any relevance why? I'm no Parker. She knows that. Why am I defending her, to myself? God, I even stand up for her to myself. That's just sick. Or... something. God, she makes me NUTS. Why does she do this to me? Why do I let her do this to me? Is this what it's gonna be like? What? Is there going to be an anything to be like this? God, I don't think I can take this. It's not fair. Why should I have to feel like this?
I should tell her to get lost. To leave me alone. That would be the sane thing. Let her spread her insanity on someone else. Tell her that I'm tired of this, I want nothing to do with it. Leave me alone, dammit. Just leave me alone, and stop hurting me!
Yeah. That's so gonna happen. Willow stands up to Buffy. In what universe? If it weren't me, I'd almost laugh. Almost. Except, what's to laugh about? I'm weak, so damned weak. If I see her, look in her eyes, I'm gonna be so lost. I...can't do this. I can't. I can't let her decide my life. I have to decide my life. I gotta make my heart cold, deal with this in my brain, not my heart. But how the hell can I do that, anyway? This is all about my heart, who I love. Who I trust. That's the question. Do I trust her? Do I believe that she loves me? Only one way to know. Look her in the eye. No more hiding, Buffy.
So, I guess Dawnie's gonna have a little company on her trip to England. Someone's gotta stop running, stop hiding from this. Guess that's Buffy. If we're going to have a life together, if she wants ME to be part of her life, she's going to have to decide.
Face her demons, deal with her issues. Time's running out, Buffy. You better take me, hold me and not let me go.
If you want me
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TBC