I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 8
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 8
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Buffy sat at the window, watching the gathering dusk.
It was a warm British summer evening. She had been in London a little over a week, and she was already feeling a little lost. They had started working out the basic outline of the New Watcher's Council(as they were so grandly naming it). Getting a feel of how the organization would work, where they would establish "branch" offices. With the reality of not one, but many slayers, they were having to adjust to a wholly new scenario. There simply weren't enough watchers for a one-on-one relationship as enjoyed in the past. Until more could be recruited, and until things were in place, they were in a bind. They were thinking , for the present anyway, of establishing academies internationally. Combining the talents of the few watchers so more of the slayers that were cropping up could be trained. The details were still to be worked out, but it was going to follow the line of private school for 'gifted' students(how gifted, no one but the watchers and their slayers would know). Also, because of the first, and the scarcity of resources, they were setting up a mystical database to be shared via network. Even Giles, the champion of the "reality" of the musty tome, understood the necessity of this.
Buffy, of course had the 'perfect' candidate to head up the database project. She suggested Willow Rosenberg , computer hack extraordinaire. Giles concurred, and of course immediately contacted Willow, who surprisingly agreed with alacrity( but, we know why , don't we?). So it was set. Willow was to come to London. She would head up the project, designing the database and network structure. It seemed like a perfect fit. Willow said it particularly pleased her, because she would get more time to study with the Coven. Learn more how to control the power that lived within her. It seemed like serendipity. For Buffy, maybe it was a little less so.
She sighed, and got up from the sofa. She was restless. This thing with Will was making her more than a little crazy, and she was so not looking forward to seeing Will again. "Not when she is so pissed with me. C'mon, Buffy, you've dealt with tough stuff before. But this is Will. Not supposed to be a 'tough stuff'. So what am I gonna do? Act all weird? Don't think so. Time to act like an adult. Just... be polite and all, and if she vents on me, well...not like I don't got it coming, right?". Brave words, but her tummy was doing flip flops. She needed to get out, do something. Work this off. She finally decided it was a nice night to do some patrolling.
It'd been awhile since she'd been out on patrol, and oddly, she sort of missed it. " For seven years it's been totally a part of my life. I guess it's like mocha java's... you can live without 'em, but they sure make life better". So she dressed for patrolling(Jeans, boots...comfortable top...and a nice large handbag. Something to put a stake or two, and maybe a few other supplies in). She opened the door, and left her flat.
It didn't take long for her hunting mode to take over. Her senses heightened, and she became keenly aware of the terrain around her. Even her eyes reflected her mood. Usually, they are a light hazel-green...but when she's in hunting/slaying mode, they change...the become almost bluish-green. As if some inner being were coming to the fore. Her adrenaline began to flow. It was good to patrol, to hunt. It felt good, right. It felt...alive.
Problem was, not much to hunt, it seemed. All was relatively quiet. "Guess this part of the city is not big on vamps. I'm going to have to scope out more of the city...see where the demons liked to play." She wandered for hours, but it was pretty quiet. At least, demon wise. She did run into a few rowdies...but after giving them a lesson in not playing with slayers, they pretty much faded away. It rather surprised them that this tiny little blonde woman could not only hold her own in a scuffle, but rather throw them around like dolls. It might not have been vampires, but she did have the satisfaction of knowing they would be a bit more careful about whom they hassled in the future.
After a few hours, she decided that patrolling here was pointless. She would have to check with Giles to see if he knew of any places that might be more ... worthwhile. "Damn, not even one good slaying. Ah well". She headed for home, figuring the night was for the most part, wasted.
So, imagine her surprise as, when she approached her flat, her slayer sense went off. But it was strange...it wasn't really a threat. Not a vamp, or anything... not even really danger...but it still made her uneasy. Then, she spotted what had caused it: Someone was at her door, seemingly waiting for her. Whoever it was, was obscured...she couldn't get a good look at him/ her. Deciding that erring on the side of caution was the best course, she slowed down. She carefully crept up on whoever it was. Her stealth seemed to be working, for whoever it was didn't seem aware of her. As soon as she was close enough, she reached out, and grabbed them around the neck. Bringing a stake around, she said " Don't you get it? If you're trying to sneak up on me, standing by my front door is really not good strategy". Whoever it was let out a little yelp, and then went limp. Fainted. Well...not exactly brave, are we? She turned the person around, and nearly dropped them..
WILLOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, my god, what've I done now? Damn. How the hell am I gonna explain this one? Sighing, Buffy throws the now limp form of Willow over her shoulder, digs in her purse for her keys, opens the door and carries her inside. Laying her down gently on the sofa, she places a pillow under her head. She made for the bathroom, to get a dampened cloth.
Well, this little reunion started on a good note, Buffy sighed.
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Buffy was in the kitchenette, making some tea, when she heard Willow stirring on the sofa.
Oh, boy, here it comes. Buffy's stomach felt like it had a lump of lead in it. Never mind her heart felt like it had been wrung out a few hundred times. She so didn't want to turn around, because she knew she'd broken cardinal rule number one: Never piss off the witch. Never mind the rule about if you're wanting to make up with someone, it's not a good idea to scare them silly.
As Buffy turned around with the tea tray, she saw Willow had sat up on the sofa, and was staring at her. Her face was pale, accentuating her already cute freckles, and her emerald green eyes were wide open.
"Buffy? What happened?" Willow asked, sounding a bit foggy.
"Ummm... you fainted, Will" Buffy says, avoiding the issue best she can.
"I kinda figured that out, Buffy. But, why did I faint? I remember I was at your door, waiting for you to respond to my knocking..." Willow says...then her face reflects that it's coming back. " I think someone tried to mug me at your door!..."
Buffy gets a pained expression on her face." Well...not really, Will". She's thinking now would be a good time for the earth to open up and swallow her.
Willow looks at Buffy, obviously bewildered. What was she talking about?
"Buffy, someone put their arm around my neck, then they ...pulled a stake...oh" Willow gets it now.
Buffy looks anywhere but at Willow. " Ummm...sorry, Will. I didn't know it was you. I thought someone was trying to ...well...attack me. So , I snuck up on them...er...you...and I....oh...god" Buffy looks crushed.
Willow looks at Buffy, her face blank. Then her mouth starts to twitch, and a tiny giggle escapes. It builds, and soon Willow is trying to hold back a full blown laugh. But, it's so not working.
Buffy looks at Willow like she's gone mad.
"What? WHAT?" Buffy says, not getting it at all. Clueless isn't strong enough to explain her condition.
" Hee, hee , hee. The chosen one, the slayer...hee, hee, hee...scared by the 110 pound computer geek. Ha, ha, ha" Willow is starting to shake with laughter. " Slayer stakes Nerd, film at ...hee, hee ...11" Willow lays down on the sofa, helpless with laughter.
Buffy stares at her. Then, she catches the giggles. Soon, slayer and witch are consumed with laughter, the tension in the room flying out the window as both get totally silly. Willow starts doing silly monster faces, which brings on a fresh round of laughter....then Buffy comes over to stake her...and they both collapse on the floor, two old friends who haven't laughed together so hard in so long.
"H-h-hey B-Buffy" Willow is laughing so hard, she's stuttering
"Y-yeah W-Will?" Buffy too.
" You SLAY me, you know that?" Willow giggles madly.
Both women burst out in another round of laughter. They laugh til they can hardly catch their breath.
"S-S-Stop it W-Will. I'm laughing s-so much I'm g-gonna have to p-p-pee" Buffy gasps out.
Both women look at each other...and start laughing again. This goes on til, exhausted and breathless, they lay there, side by side, quietly. Neither wanting to speak, to the break the mood. They share the happy moment...something that seems so rare to both of late. Their hands somehow find each other. Whether Buffy took Willow's hand in hers, or Willow slipped her hand into Buffy's, neither really know. But they do know it feels right, this moment, this small touch. More right than things have felt for awhile between them.
Willow leans on her elbow, looking down on Buffy. Her face is kind and gentle. Buffy looks over at Willow leaning over her, and she feels... conflicted. Comfortable and nervous, happy and sad, at peace, yet longing. This woman has shared her life for seven years: Her sorrows, her joys, her pain, her happiness, her dreams, and her disappointments. Willow knows her better than anyone alive. And yet, at this moment, it all feels new. Like a new level has been added. It's scary and exciting at the same time. Change always is.
Willow, gazing down at Buffy, is trying to remember a time when she wasn't in love with Buffy. She can't because there never was such a time. From the moment she first saw her, to the time she first met her, and onwards, she knew this girl was different.
Even before I knew she was "The Slayer" or "The Chosen One" I knew she was special. Over the years, I've learned how special. What she gave up to be who she was. How she would go to the wall for those she cared about How much she just cared. How ultimately lonely she was; she would never have a normal relationship. Love, marriage, children all seemed to be denied her. She was the slayer. She couldn't have a life outside of slaying, it seemed. She'd tried, so hard to have a normal life. But in the end, her duties, her destiny came first.
Now, that could be different for her. But, after all this time, could she even handle it? Could she overcome years of denying herself the small pleasures life offers, now that she could have them? After all this time, could she even understand what it was to be "off duty?". To relax, to be just Buffy, and not The Slayer? Is that even possible? It's part of her, like her hands, her arms , and her face. Can she just put that part of her away? I don't really think that's possible.
Look at her relationships. Angel, the mysterious stranger who turned out to be the very thing she was destined to fight. Riley, "Mr. Normal Guy" who was part of a secret government organization fighting demons. And Spike. The most complex and just plain weird of her relationships. Started out hating each other, and evolving into some form of love. And each ended badly. Angel and Riley leaving her, Spike dying, never accepting she loved him. All her romantic relationships revolve around her slayer self. All are threaded intimately with that aspect of herself. Yet, despite her phenomenal success as a slayer, her relationships have been ... fiascos. How can she deal with another relationship? Like her personality, they never are separate from the slayer. And now there's us.
Here we are, thinking about taking our relationship to another, seriously more intimate level. Yet, like all the rest, we are intimately connected to her being the slayer. She is who she is. The slayer is embedded, can't be separated. Our relationship will be colored by that personality, as well as the sweetness that is Buffy. I 'm Wiccan because I wanted a more active role in what she does. That too affects our relationship. Knowing what's happened before, knowing that we can never be truly 'normal', how do we make this work?
I don't know. I don't pretend to know. I just know that somehow, we are meant to be together. We're so intimately connected already, our lives are so on the same arc, that neither of us can be happy without the other. That's what I know, that's what I believe. Her destiny is to be the slayer, she'll never be anything else. My destiny is to be Wicca... it's part of my being now, the power is in me. Our destiny is to be together.
Buffy gazes deeply into Willow's emerald eyes. She sees amazing things in her soul. Because, even more true than most, Willow's soul is reflected in her eyes. She sees a power unimaginable. A power that could consume or create, a power that is controlled by her, but also shapes her soul. She has a strength that even she doesn't realize... she is probably stronger than any of us. And with that strength, there is a beauty, a light that is almost painful in it's brightness, poignant in it's purity. And behind that is a dark place, a part of her that is secret and frightening. A restlessness, a part that's all too willing to destroy the beauty that is so bright within her. It seems to sleep now, it's small and well contained. But it's there, always there...and if it wakens...beware.
Buffy reaches up, and touches Willow's face. Willow closes her eyes, savoring the touch. It's soft, and yet electric. Buffy traces her small hand down the contour of Willow's face, feeling the warmth... the blood, the life that surges just beneath the skin. Her fingertips almost tingle from the contact. Her finger traces the curve of Willow's lip, and Willow gently kisses the tip of Buffy's finger.
Both women are as if in a spell. It's that small moment...that moment when things change. When perceptions heighten, when you notice someone for the first time in a different way. A switch seems to be flipped in the brain. The body responds differently. The nerves, the muscles, the very blood that breathes life throughout is charged with a new current of energy. It's a spell old as mankind, stronger than any Willow can cast. It's the first moments of love.
"Buffy?" Willow breathes. Her body and mind are awhirl in new sensations, but there is so much that they need to talk about.
"Will?" Buffy replies. Her heart is beating faster, her adrenaline is flowing. She works to settle down, to be rational. Right now, she has to listen to what Will says.
"What are we doing to ourselves, to each other? I... it seems that we are pulling away from each other, and pushing hard towards each other. We ... have this thing going on, and neither of us really is understanding it. We ... seem to have to hurt each other before we can even get a small moment like this. What is going on? Why is it so hard for us to accept what is happening? Why are we fighting it so fiercely?"
"I don't know, Will. It's like I have two people inside me. One wants nothing but to reach out, touch you, hold you. To bring you closer, to move to another place in our relationship. Another part says stop, no, don't do this, it'll end badly. You'll lose her, she'll leave you. You'll be alone , all alone, totally alone. They are like, wrapped together, tightly bound. I can't throw out one, without throwing out the other. I ... so afraid I'm going to lose you, Will, that risking what we do have seems foolish. But, I so want more...that it makes me crazy. And I've been acting crazy. I'm so sorry. I've been so bad to you so many ways. I was sure that when you came here, you wouldn't want to even see me. I didn't even think it was you, tonight, until you fainted and I got a good look at you. And... what if I fail you, like I failed Angel, and Riley, and Spike? What if I can't make you understand what I feel for you? How much I need you? What if in the end you leave me too? I don't know if I can take that, Will. I really don't."
"Buffy. I can't guarantee what will happen. I can't say for certainty that we will always be together. But I know this, Buffy. We were meant to be together. I feel it in my bones, my blood, my heart. Our destiny, our fate is wrapped up in each other. We need each other. And, now, I believe we should be together. We've had our separate lives and loves, and in the end, neither of us had happiness. Lasting happiness. I believe that's because we were fated to be together. Together I think we're strong . Together I believe we can face anything. "
" I just don't understand these feelings, Will. They make me so happy, and at the same time, they scare me silly. It's like I knew all along that you were the one, but I ...didn't see it...couldn't see it. It's not in my experience. Loving you, another woman, is very strange for me. I know...that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I ... don't understand it." Buffy says, looking down and feeling somewhat ashamed.
"Buffy, I know. It's hard. It was the same for me when I realized I was falling in love with Tara. I thought all the bad things, did all the denials and run- aways. All in my head. But in the end, I realized that what I loved was here" Willow gently touches Buffy's heart, " what's inside. Don't get me wrong, I loved the outside too. But that came later. It's who you are, Buffy, that I love. And that's what you have to find out for yourself. I can't do that for you. If you love me, you love ME. Not my gender. The me inside the package. The rest will follow. So, now the question is. Are you willing to risk loving me?" Willow asks.
"Yes," Buffy says quietly. " I think I've loved you...the real you... for a long, long time".
Willow says nothing more. She leans over Buffy, and kisses her. It's not demanding, but giving. The kiss is gentle, soft and loving. Both share the kiss, the intimacy. Their hearts beat faster. Slowly, gently they break the kiss.
Buffy looks at Willow. Her eyes search for that something she needs to see in Willow's eyes. She finds it, and they kiss again. Again, it isn't insistent Both are merely beginning to share a new intimacy. Testing the waters, seeing how it feels. Need I say, it feels fine?
They hug, and lie down together. For now, that is all there is. Right now what they need is just a physical reminder of closeness. More will come later. But for right now, this is enough.
It's love, and they both find it enough.
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TBC