I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 9
[reviews]
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
I'll see you in my heart
Part 9
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Buffy's heart felt light
For the first time in a long time, she felt some of the darkness that had surrounded her heart was pushed back. She felt an incredible joy in life, and her outlook didn't seem so harsh. A new, non slayer energy flowed through her, and it showed. People noted her smile seemed more relaxed, more from the heart. Her eyes seemed softer somehow, less hard, more calm. She had always had a slayer's grace, but added to it was a buoyancy that was new. In short, she was a hell of a lot nicer to be around. Even Giles, her beloved but at times befuddled watcher, noted the change. He recognized the symptoms, and was happy for her.
Buffy was in love. A love that seemed to actually have a future. Not tragic, not star-crossed, but a love that was quieter, more gentle, more deep. Her body, always seemingly wound up tight, was looser, more relaxed. As was her attitude. Bad news didn't make her automatically lash out anymore, or withdraw into the 'secret' place she would go to deal with stuff. She was more open to listening, finding out what the real problem was. Her temper seemed to lose it's edge...don't get me wrong, it was still there, but she didn't find the need to use it as often. It seemed this love, this quiet, gentle happiness, this deep satisfaction, was not only mellowing her, but maturing her.
Don't get me wrong. She wasn't all Ms. Sunshine and flowers. She didn't go around humming to herself, or giggling at odd times, or acting goofy(well, ok she did, but in private, where no one saw or heard her). Buffy was STILL Buffy...the slayer, the chosen one. She still, if backed against the wall, gets all hard edged and tough. She still made the difficult decisions when necessary. She could get cold and seemingly callous if the situation called for it. She was in love; she hadn't gotten soft.
And there were still plenty of opportunities for Buffy to be Buffy. Reconstituting the Watcher's Council was not as easy as she had thought it would be. Despite the fact that the majority of the "old ones" ,as she liked to call them in private to Giles, had perished under the tender ministrations of the First's goons, there were still a few around enough to cause difficulties. And , seems the 'old ones' had sufficient time to raise a whole crop of younger blockheads, all new and shiny and...well, stupid. They could be stubborn and downright nasty about change. She and Giles often had an uphill battle effecting change. But slowly, agonizingly slowly, there was change. For the other council members hadn't factored in Buffy. Where they were stubborn, she was rock. Where they were forceful, she was steel. When they tried to dismiss her and her 'suggestions', she showed them she'd not only learned how to swing an axe and broadsword, but could answer with the cutting remark and clever riposte that had the delicacy and precision of a surgeon's incision.. They came in thinking they could squash her. They came out reeling. They'd never met anyone quite like her.
Buffy was on a mission. A mission to her that was as important as defeating demons, vampires and hell gods. As much as she hated politics, as much as she detested sitting around, talking and discussing and paper pushing, she was determined. There was no way she was going to allow the "old ways" go be let back in. At least, not those plainly stupid and sexist. And the others had to be carefully scrutinized. No more little tests like "The Cruciamentum" were going to be tolerated. No more bureaucratic nightmares about knowledge sharing. This was a slayer's life on the line while a bunch of paper pushers quibbled over what she should know. That was totally unacceptable. There would be no more hoarding the resources, either. Buffy was livid when she found out the extent of the wealth of the Council. She was furious that a slayer like Kendra had been so broke, that she could afford only one change of clothes. That Faith had been forced to live in squalid conditions while the members of the council lived in relative ease and luxury. If not for her mom, Buffy herself would have probably lived on the streets. After Joyce had passed away, she'd been forced to work at crap jobs just to make ends meet for her and Dawn. Those days were so over. From now on, Slayers were going to be given at least a living allowance. If you want someone to fight the fight, you don't starve them while they risk it all. She wasn't saying luxury apartments. Dorm style living, as long as some privacy was assured, would be ok. But the days of slayers being forced to be impoverished were at an end. NO room for discussion on that point.
Another no- brainer was choice. This wasn't the 'old days'. It wasn't The Chosen one, but The Chosen. No one should be forced to give up their lives to save the world; not when there hundreds, if not thousands, of choices. If they said no, not interested, go away, that was it. Not only was it kinder, but in the end, better for the morale of those who chose to follow their calling. Who wants someone in the ranks who doesn't want to be there? Better to let them be what they wanted. Better for everyone.
But it didn't come easy. The meetings often degenerated into shouting matches. The only other person she could count on, besides Giles and herself, was Willow. Often as she could, she would drag Willow in with her for moral support and as an expert(God, she's smart). It wasn't always easy to get Willow to come along. Though these days she was much more confident in who she was, and what she knew, she still tended to be shy in larger groups. And, she still had some little awe thing going about the council(Buffy thought it was best to expose her to the idiocies of the council, to disabuse her of that). She sometimes had to beg(what universe are we in, anyway?), sometimes sweet-talk her promising her little treats and goodies (Though, if it came down to it, she probably just enjoyed doing that, because Will wouldn't let her really face it alone, if she thought it was important). And lets face it, sometimes she just like Willow being there, holding her hand under the table when it got rough.
The one tiny bit of comic relief she got( and Willow, when she came along) was Andrew. Yes, Super Villain Andrew...Scourge of Sunnydale, former member of "The Trio". Geekazoid deluxe. And lets face it, the Council was Geek paradise. Buffy(and Willow... and often Giles) had to bite her lip when he got up to speak. He went whole hog. He dressed in tweed. His hair was slicked down, and center parted. He even affected a pipe(though never smoked the damned thing...thank god). There is no question the boy was bright. Near genius, probably, or even beyond. He knew his stuff. But he would start out with that pseudo- Masterpiece Theater voice of his, and it was all Buffy could do to keep from bursting out laughing. The good thing was, the other council member actually treated him seriously, and he more often than not was on Buffy's side in a dispute. The bad thing was...he was Andrew, for god's sake!
I can hear my gentle readers puzzling in their minds at this moment " Ok, all very nice. But what the heck is the point?" The point is that Buffy and Willow were beginning to develop a life for themselves. Together. They were both doing something important. Buffy, though it would have taken wild horses to drag it out of her, was kind of enjoying what she was doing. Willow was in heaven...well, darned happy, anyway.
She was in charge of designing a network from the ground up. A global network, as the various offices and training centers of the council would have to be set up. She had carte blanche, as the head of Watcher's Council(Yes, Giles) trusted her absolutely. Her hours were flexible, and she was able to hand pick her team. The work was challenging, at times mind bending, but she was up to it. She relished it. It not only related to her skills as a computer guru, but also it was her other passion...the occult, Wicca in particular. She got to build a huge database of knowledge, unlike anything the world had seen before(ok, Wolfram and Hart ...but they aren't only of this world...right?). It was not only the kid in the candy shop. Hell, someone handed her the keys and said " Pig out, baby, it's all yours!".
Maybe the sweetest of all was that she found, after initially being totally freaked at being in charge... that she was a natural at it. She didn't have to be the classic 'bitch on wheels, bastard of the world' boss. She knew her stuff. Despite her shyness, or maybe because of it, she had a natural rapport with people. She used gentle persuasion to get things done. But even the greenest of rookies realized that under the padded velvet there was an iron core... she encouraged camaraderie, even some small horseplay. But at the end of the day, or beyond she expected the work to be done, and done correctly. And it was unquestioned that you stayed until it WAS done. She was good to her people, she treated them with respect. She remembered names, faces and details about them. She gave them goodies and dinners. But no one questioned that she was the boss, and that her word was final.
Her new responsibilities were leading to a change in Willow. She was more confident, more sure of herself. Her manner , though still reserved and quiet, was now based on her self-assurance rather than a lack of confidence. She not only knew what she was doing, but believed she knew what she was doing. She peeked out of her shell, liked what she found, and slowly broke out of it. She was stronger; stronger than she'd ever been in her life.
So our heroes were together. They were building a life with each other. They were doing important things. Each was maturing, becoming a more rounded, stronger person. Life was good, better than it'd ever been. Things were perfect. They were happy.
Right?
Oh, c'mon, you all know better than that!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Willow was out of the office, taking a walk.
She wandered from one street to the next, not really paying attention to where she was, or where she was going. Her mind was elsewhere, on other matters. She just knew she needed to get out of there for awhile. She needed to think.
She wasn't worried about work. The projects were all going on schedule, her staff was capable and doing remarkable work. Ok, in any undertaking this size, there are always problems. Glitches. Snafus. But things were well in control, and proceeding in good time.
She wasn't worried about the budget or finances. Giles had pretty much accepted any budget she proposed. She was careful, and didn't abuse the privilege. Also, the council was paying her quite well for her services. So personal finances were in good shape.
Even the beastie that lived inside her, that had so helped her abuse her powers when she went bad wasn't worrying her any more than usual. Granted, she always had to be careful with her powers...so easy to go over the edge. But she wasn't like stressing over it particularly.
Willow sighed. It's never the clear cut stuff. The easy stuff, that gets ya. It's always the vague stuff, the unsure stuff. The stuff that when it's all done, is really the most important stuff... more than any other stuff. So what's got my mind in Mixmaster mode? Do you reaally need to guess?
Buffy. Sigh.
We agreed to go slow from the start. Both of us had been major hurt by rushing into things before. I mean, ok, we've known each other forever. And that counts for something. But this was new for us. Us. Was new. So, neither one wanted to mess up what we've had. I mean, for awhile there, that was messed up too, and we both were less than happy about that one. We didn't want that to happen again. So, we agreed we'd take it slow, one step at a time, bit by bit...all that.
We started dating. I mean really dating. Get dressed up, get all nervy, hope you don't crash and burn dating. Not like going for coffee, or hanging out on Movie night. Real go out somewhere dating. And boy, does she dress for a date. I mean, hot? Burning hot, she was. Drop dead gorgeous hot...and all for me. And hey, I clean up pretty good too. I could see she more than approved of my appearance. And we'd go to a nice romantic place, with the dark, and candles, and music. And have all the sweet little moments you get out of that. But most of all, we talked. I mean, we told each other stuff even we, as best friends, had never said. It was totally cool. And we'd hold hands, and look into each other's eyes, and get all giggly... and that was totally cool, too.
And there was kissage. Oh, boy, lots and lots of kissage. I thought those first kisses we shared were wonderful. And it only got better. Mmmm can that girl kiss? Yummy. And she tastes so sweet, like oranges and limes and...vanilla. And of course, those progressed to make out sessions. Some pretty heavy make out sessions. First time she slipped her hand under my blouse...well, I got all tingly and goosebumpy and wriggly. I was ready right then. Come on, Baby, take me now!
Problem was, she wasn't. Isn't
And I gotta wonder... will she ever be?
I mean, we've been going out for what? 6 months or so now, and nada. Nothing. No moves beyond some really nice heavy petting and tons and tons of kissage( ok, never gonna get tired of Buffy kisses). So, what's the deal?
Willow checks herself out in the plate glass window in front of her.
Hey, I'm pretty darned cute! And it's not like I'm all coy or shy or anything. Heck, if I get anymore bold, I'll have to throw her on the floor and jump her(yeah, in what universe that gonna happen, Will?). If she sits real close to me, and I feel her thigh touch mine...I get all....well....golly....you know....geeze. Of course, I get that way with the intense kissage and make out-age(is that a word?). So, why does it seem it's all one way, here?
Ok, maybe not fair, that. I mean, I do hear her getting all breathy and hot and stuff when we make-out, and like...ok, I can smell she's turned on... ya know? But if I signal like I'm ready to be ravished, or to ravish...she backs off. Like she's been shot with an arrow in that cute lil ass of hers(oh, god, don't let me start thinking that way...I'll get all hot again).I can see she wants it...er, I think she wants it...I see something in her eyes. Desire, something...but I also see something bigger in there...fear? Scared? What, of me? C'mon, this is Willow here...I don't frighten flies... Ok, I guess I did get all evil and veiny and stuff. But that was a long time ago. And, frankly, I don't think that's it. It doesn't feel that way, anyway. It's something else that's making her scaredy-Buffy.
So, maybe it's the girl thing? Me being one, that is? Maybe she's kinda freaked by that? I know she's never been there, so to speak. And I remember my first time with Tara...oh, hell, it was great, but I was nervy and all. So maybe I should butch it up a little? Dress more...boy- like? Maybe that'd ease her a bit? Nawwww...don't see it. She doesn't freak on dates or stuff. She doesn't seem like that would make her less... tense. Maybe she's afraid of being labeled a lesbian? But, that's just silly. Ok, well, not silly. Because some people got some real fear there. But, I mean...geeze...we both know she still likes guys, too. She's bi, if anything. Heck, frankly...ok, don't want to sound conceited here, but I think I'm the only woman she's ever had the hots for. Ok, that does sound conceited, but I mean, doesn't make it not true, does it? I mean, I don't see her checking out other women...though, occasionally I'll see her check out a hunky guy(ok, not worried, ok? Well... maybe a little jealous, but hey!). But maybe she's got this weird mind trip going. I just don't know.
Something's at her, that I do know. Something is making her like, stop just when it's gonna get better. I wish I knew what it was. So I could help her out here. Ok, and I've got other motives, ok? I mean. Tired of my own fingers finishing things... got it?
So, Buffy Summers, exactly what am I gonna have to do to get you to jump my bones, anyway?
Willow sighs, and moves on, even more confused than before.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Another part of town, about the same time of day.
Another young woman wanders around some. Not seeming to really be looking for anything, or paying real attention where she's going. This woman is blonde, kind of petite, and has these wonderfully green-hazel eyes.
Yes, it's Buffy. and yes, she's totally confused too.
"So, what's my deal? Why the hell can't I just do it? I mean, last night, we were sooo close. I mean, I was so turned on, and Willow was so turned on, and ...then....I stopped...again. WHY????? I don't get it. I don't, really I don't.
And I can so tell I'm frustrating her. And pissing her off(though, of course she doesn't say that). And I can see the hurt look in her eyes. OH god, I'm so gonna screw this up. And I don't want to screw THIS up. Damn me, anyway, what IS MY PROBLEM???????? "
Buffy sits herself down on a bench, and stares at the sidewalk, her face a canvas of confusion and self anger.
" This so doesn't make sense. I mean, she's the sweetest, kindest person. She loves me, I can tell. I love her, I know that for a fact. I love the kissage. Oh god, she kisses so....hot, I sometime almost....(blush). And, it's not like she's not totally sexy. We make out, and God, she does some things that make me crazy. And I love the way she feels under my hands. So, why is it, when it comes to ...doing it...I just freeze?"
" Ok, let's think this through. I didn't ever freeze with Riley or Spike(not counting Angel here...one time was all it took to make that beautiful moment horrific). I mean...we did it, no problems. But, I get there with Will...ready to ...and then...I stop. Could it be the girl thing. Me girl, she girl? I ...don't think that's it. But, you have to be kinda suspicious I mean, boy do, girl no do. But... I don't ...I mean, I really want to do her...ya know. I mean REALLY WANNA. I want so much to ...ok, not going to go there, or it's gonna be embarrassment time here. But you get the picture. The idea is not a turn off...it's so a turn on. But, I get the...well...geeze why is this so hard? I mean, I have no...problems with the idea. But doing it, another matter. Maybe it's not ...I don't ...maybe I'm afraid she'll want to do me back? Is that what I don't want? But that's gotta be silly, right. I mean. God, I get so horny too. I want to be done, don't I? I ...god, ok, rational, think. It's here Buffy, you're close, but ....ARRRGH...this is too much. God, I just don't understand."
"Maybe I'm just a frigid bitch, ya know? Maybe I just can't...anymore. Maybe something's wrong with me. God, I'm so stupid. I have what is probably the best thing going here. Willow loves me. And I'm so close to throwing it away. What is my problem? Why can't I just get my act together?"
Buffy, disgusted with herself, stumbles off. She knows Willow's patient, but even her patience is wearing thin.
What is she going to do? She can't seem to get past that point, hard as she tries.
Maybe in the end, she just can't do this.
But she so doesn't want to believe that.
Right now, she just wants to find the nearest bridge, and jump. But she won't.
She'll go home And probably just find a corner
And cry.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TBC.