I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 10
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 10
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They lay side by side, panting
It's pretty obvious they have been having a heated make-out session. They are rather sweaty, their hair disarranged and mussed, their clothing half off and tossed here and there. Their faces are flushed, and both are obviously in the throes of passion. But, if one looks closely, they neither of them seem to be ... satisfied. Buffy is looking away and down, ashamed and angry with herself. Willow lays back, staring up at the ceiling, feeling frustrated, and a little stupid. It's happened again.
They start kissing, the passion heats up. Hands and lips wander, things seem to be heading towards an inevitable conclusion...and the slayer panics. Backs off. Shuts it down. Both women wind up heated, horny and frustrated. And still Buffy can't explain it. She withdraws from the field, and hides.
Willow looks down at her semi-nude body, and sighs. She looks over at Buffy, turned away from her, and wants to feel compassion for her. Wants to take her and hold her, telling her it's ok, she understands. Like she does every time this happen. Every time, period. But tonight, she just can't. She's feeling too frustrated, too ...hurt, to reach out again. It always ends up this way. She is pushed to the edge, then Buffy backs off, and she's totally horny and hurting, and having to help Buffy, too. It's just too much tonight. It makes her feel unloved, unwanted, and ugly. And she doesn't like that feeling, one little bit.
"Buffy, what is it?" Willow asks, trying to calm her voice. She doesn't want to push Buffy further away by scaring her.
" It's nothing, Will" Buffy replies, her back to Willow. She's afraid to look at her.
" It's not 'nothing', Buffy" Willow says, her voice tremulous." This happens every time. What is it?"
" I don't know, Will. Every time, I want to. I really do. But, I can't" Buffy says. Her voice is flat.
" You can't? or...you won't?" Willow says, her voice going low. Buffy notes the change of tone, and turns over.
"Will. I would if I could. But, something stops me. Something inside just panics, and I can't ...." Buffy says, her voice getting more anxious.
" That's not it, is it Buffy? Just a pretty excuse, isn't it?" Willow says, her voice reflecting her anger.
"Will?" Buffy says, looking concerned.
"I'm....you find me....I'm...ugly, aren't I? That's it, isn't it? I... you're repulsed by me" Willow hides herself best she can.
"No...WILL!!! No, that's not it at all" Buffy cries out, trying to take Willow in her arms. But Willow shrinks away, and slaps at Buffy when she tries to reach for her.
"No, no, don't TOUCH me!" Willow says." You....hate me, don't you? I'm ugly, and you hate me!" Willow is getting irrational. She feels ugly, and can't think of anything else at the moment.
Buffy moves over, ignoring Willow's protests. She takes Willow in her arms, and holds her close. Willow struggles, then gives in. She wants to be held, wants to be reassured. She hates the way she feels right now.
" Will, baby, you're beautiful, don't you know that? I think you're the most beautiful woman I know" Buffy gently kisses her, and holds her close. Willow sighs a little, feeling a little better. But she still is hurting, and is angry. Very angry.
"Then why, Buffy? Why are you doing this to me? What am I doing wrong? Why do you start, then push me away?" Willow pleads. She's desperate for some kind of answer. Something she can understand.
" I can only tell you what I know, Will" Buffy says. " I...I'm very attracted to you. I ...we start kissing. And it's wonderful. It fires me up, I feel my blood racing. I ...start to touch you, and you have such soft, incredibly soft skin" Buffy says, and Willow blushes." I love, adore the way it feels under my hands. I ... so want to touch you more, kiss you more, feel you near me. I reach for you, wanting you so bad, my skin aches for your touch. I feel this incredible desire well inside me, this need for you. And ...then it happens. This panic. I get scared... I try to fight it, but I can't Will. It just takes over. That's what happens." Buffy looks miserable at the end of it, and as angry as Willow is, she can't help but feel a pang of sympathy for Buffy. She reaches out, and takes Buffy's hand. She gently places it on her breast.
"Is it because I'm a woman, Buffy? Is that what's so scary for you? I know it's a little strange for you, honey. It was for me too, first time. Honest, baby." Willow says gently. Even with Buffy's hand just passively resting on her breast, Willow can feel her nipple swelling. Even that simple touch is erotic to her." It's ok, lover. Here, feel" She moves Buffy's hand to her heart. Buffy can feel Willow's heart tattooing in her chest. " It beats for you, baby. I love you. That's all I know. I won't hurt you, lover. Honest." Willow whispers softly to Buffy. She pulls her closer, and begins to kiss her neck. Buffy sighs, and Willow can feel her responding. Willow pulls her closer, and gently rubs her hand over her back, comforting her. " just a little panic. It's ok. She'll be fine now. She just needs to be cuddled some more", Willow thinks as she holds Buffy. Her lips start to kiss Buffy's shoulder, and she gently slides a hand down Buffy, ...and Buffy stiffens. Oh, damn....too quick." Shhh, shhh Buffy honey, it's ok, it's ok" Willow softy coos in her ear, bringing her hand back up. She caresses it lightly over Buffy's tummy. Buffy tentatively reaches out, and lightly caresses Willow's breast. Willow sighs her pleasure, and pushes into Buffy's hand. The roughened feel of her palm, lightly calloused from years of using the hand to stake vamps, feels wonderful against Will's soft breast. Will slides her hand up, gently cupping Buffy's breast, rubbing her thumb over the nipple. Buffy sighs, and Will feels the nipple swell. They kiss, their lips eagerly searching each other's out. Willow gently pushes Buffy back on the bed. She says softly" Just let me lead, Buffy", and she begins to kiss Buffy's neck. Buffy seems to relax and enjoy it, and Willow is encouraged. She begins to work down Buffy, and it all changes again. As soon as she reaches the top of Buffy's breasts, Buffy stiffens. Willow sighs, but continues, hoping the pleasure will take her, and she'll just go with it. But, Buffy just gets panicky. Her breathing gets ragged, and she moans... but it's a frightened moan, not pleasure. Finally, she calls out " NO...please ...no" And twists away from Willow, and her momentum carries her off the bed, and onto the floor.
Willow just buries her head in the bed. She can't take this anymore. She tries, and she tries, and it's always the same. It's too much. It's hurting her, and hurting Buffy, too. She can tell. She loves Buffy, she really truly loves her. And she can tell Buffy loves her too. It's touching the way that Buffy dotes on her, in everything but here. But here is a big part of the whole thing. And Buffy's fear is palpable. It's real. But until Buffy can define it, figure it out, deal with it, this is so going nowhere. And it hurts. Because Will can tell they both want it. It hurts, because it feels like rejection, even if Buffy swears it isn't. It just hurts.
Willow sighs, and pushes herself off the bed. She hears Buffy moving around , and looks over the edge.
"I.... I'm sorry, Will" Buffy says, for what must be the zillionth time now. Willow doesn't say anything. She gets up, and starts looking for her scattered clothes.
"Will... please, talk to me" Buffy begs from the floor. She sits up, and watches Will.
"I don't know what to say, Buffy" Will says, her voice flat. She hooks the hook of her bra, and twists it around and slips it on. She looks around for her blouse." Something is really wrong here. You insist it's not me, not because I'm a woman, but yet every time you get panicky. I don't know if you have a case of homophobia, or what. I never seem to remember you having these problems with Angel, Riley or Spike. But" Willow shrugs." It's happening here. What am I to think?"
Willow finds her blouse, and begins to put it on. Buffy, sitting on the floor, crosses her arms over her chest. She looks at the wall, but not at Willow.
"So, you're going to leave me, then?" Buffy asks, her voice small and distant.
Willow stops buttoning her blouse. She laughs an empty, mirthless laugh.
"Leave you?" Willow says." How can I leave you? You never let me close enough to leave you, Buffy. We get so close, so very close, then you shove me away. How is it possible that I can leave you, when I'm not allowed to be with you?"
" Like the rest" Buffy says, her voice remote. " Leave me like they all leave me. It's what I deserve, isn't it?"
"Deserve? Buffy, what are you talking about, anyway?" Willow says, looking at Buffy...really looking at her. And getting a little scared by the almost blank expression on her face.
"Don't you see,. Willow?" Buffy says, not looking at Willow, but a blank space on the wall." It's my destiny. My fate. I'm the Chosen one, I'm not supposed to have love. I'm supposed to fight the darkness, kill the evil, until one day it kills me. That's it, Will. I'm supposed to be alone, always alone. I fight against it, Will. I fall in love. But then, they leave me. Leaving me to my fate, as it should be, Will. That's my gift. Death. Death IS my gift, Will. That's what the primitive was trying to tell me. That death is my release. From this life." Willow watches, tears forming in her eyes." Don't you see, Will. Death is my release, my chance at happiness. My perfect peace. I'm not supposed to be here, I should still be gone. But I'm here. And I love you, Will. I can't help that, I do. And I'm not supposed to love you, or anyone. I'm supposed to fight alone. Be alone. I'm the last slayer in this line, Will...and I'm supposed to die." Buffy's voice is near toneless, her eyes fixed at a point on the wall.
Willow comes over, and kneels before Buffy. She takes Buffy's face in her hands, and looks at her in the eyes.
"Buffy! Buffy! Look at me, Buffy! " Willow, her voice strained. She forces Buffy to look at her" Buffy, the primitive was right...at THAT time. But not now, Buffy, NOT NOW!!!. You gave that gift. You saved Dawn, and all of us, and the world, with your life. You gave that gift, baby".
"I'm a killer, Will" Buffy says, her face still devoid of emotion." That's what I do. I kill things. Killers don't get love".
"No, honey, that's not true" Willow says." That isn't your gift. Death isn't your gift. It's here" Willow says, touching Buffy's heart." This is your gift, baby. That beautiful wonderful heart of yours. Love is your gift. Life is your gift. You've given life to millions, billions, so many times. How can you think you're a killer, Buffy? You save life, you give people a chance to live their lives...you don't take it!"
" I'm the Slayer, Will." Buffy says, her voice cracking a little." It's what I am. It's what I do."
"It's what you do, Buffy" Willow says." But it's not who you are. You're this compassionate woman who gives her life to save others. That's who you are".
" I love you, Will" Buffy says, and for a moment, Willow can see that 16 year old Buffy again. The valley girl fashion horse wisecracking cool sophisticated cheerleader from L.A. who despite her exterior cannot help but wear her heart and love on her sleeve. The Buffy she fell so hard for, the Buffy she still loves.
" I know, Baby, I know" Willow says, touching her face.
" Help me, Will? Help me love you? I don't want to lose you too" Again, the younger, more vulnerable Buffy is out, looking at Willow. " I shouldn't love you, Will. I should let you love someone else. Someone who won't ruin your life. You deserve better than me, Will. You should leave me, Willow. Run. Don't get stuck with me. Don't please, I love you too much to hurt you too" The older Buffy, the harder Buffy has returned. She's trying to push Willow away to protect her, from herself.
Willow looks at Buffy with a mixture of sadness and longing. Run, Buffy? How? Where? I've loved you far too long to run.
"I can't do that, Buffy." Willow says." It's too late, Buffy. I've loved you too long to remember ever not loving you".
"I'm tired, Will. I'm so tired." Buffy says, her voice leaden." I think I loved you, Will, the very first day I met you. I remember how ... beautiful your eyes were, how much your smile warmed my heart. But I had this destiny. And I knew I could, and probably would die from it. I couldn't love you then, Willow. I couldn't let you hurt that much if I died. I denied it to myself, and to you, because I didn't want to cause you that kind of pain. Rather vain of me to think you might have loved me then, huh?" Buffy says, her smile small and sad. Willow just aches, because she knows the truth." But, nevertheless I know I loved you. But I couldn't love you...see? So I ran from it, all those years. Because my death was almost a given. Then, when you cast that spell, making all the potentials slayers... things changed. I could love you. But I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't change myself. So, here I am, loving you, and not being able to love you. I gotta laugh, you know? I sometimes believe the Powers that Be have one wicked mean sense of humor". Buffy laughs a small, bitter laugh.
Willow offer's Buffy her hand
" You need to get some rest, Buffy" Willow says.
Buffy looks up at her, and smiles a small sad smile.
"I need help, Willow. I need ...therapy, or something. Won't that be a hoot? Going to a shrink, and telling him I need to help because I can't love my girlfriend because I'm the Vampire slayer. Will you visit me in the mental hospital?" Buffy smiles a fuller smile." I bet I'm cute in a straight jacket".
" Would that be an Armani or Versace straight jacket ?" Willow says, with a straight face. Buffy giggles." I'm sure Giles knows some therapist that is a bit more used to your line of work."
Buffy sits on the bed, and then says, quietly " You know, I told you I loved you long before you ever told me you loved me"
Willow looks at her with an expression of skepticism on her face. " No way, Buffy".
"Way, Will. I just believe you don't realize it" Buffy says, quietly.
"C'mon, Buffy. How would I miss that one?" Willow says, making a doubtful noise.
" Think back, Willow. We were in High School. Just before Graduation...as if we'll ever forget THAT day" Buffy says, smiling. "You just told me you were going to UC Sunnydale with me. Do you remember what I said to you?"
Willow thinks for a minute, then a slow smile spreads on her face. " 'I love you, Willow'. But I thought you only meant..."
" ... as a friend, right?" Buffy says, smiling." Nope".
Willow smiles a wistful smile, while looking around for her things. Buffy sitting on the bed, turns to her.
"Will?" Buffy says, her voice soft, almost pleading." Stay with me tonight?"
"Buffy, I don't think that's..." Willow starts, turning to Buffy. but that's as far as she gets. Buffy's eyes are pleading with her. They're not the puppy eyes, but genuine need is showing in them. Her heart melts..
"Please, Will?" Buffy begs." I...I really need to hold you tonight. Know you're there".
Willow stops, and puts down her purse. Slowly, she removes her blouse and skirt, and kicks off her shoes. She knows she might regret this, and she knows that in the end, she couldn't really refuse Buffy. Because right now, she really needs to be held tonight. By Buffy. To know it's really real.
She turns out the light, and slips into bed. Buffy slips in next to her. They spoon, Buffy cuddling against Willow's back. She has her arms around Willow, her hands resting on her tummy. Soon, Willow can hear the gentle snore of Buffy sleeping. A small smile comes to her face.
Willow stays awake a while longer, thinking. She is wondering if she isn't making a huge mistake. If she shouldn't try to get out now. Before it's too late.
But she realizes it already too late. Way past too late. 7 years and more, too late.
She can't get out now. She has no choice.
She's on this ride 'til the end.
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TBC