I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 11
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 11
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Willow sat quietly at the table in the war room
Well, actually not a war room, but that's what she liked to call the central server room . It was here that all the transactions taking place on the networks she'd built took place. She looked around, and was pleased with the setup. All the servers were humming efficiently along, the fans occasionally kicking in to provide extra cooling. Not that the room was hot. It was Air conditioned, to keep the servers from overheating. The layout was efficient; none of the servers were bunched too closely together, so access was easy. The switches and routers were also easy to get to, in case. There were central workstations so login to the servers didn't require walking the entire room. All in all, she was very pleased with her work.
She'd just had a meeting with her senior administrators. The network had passed all the tests she'd thrown at it. Her use of redundant firewalls, clustered servers and fail-over programs assured that the network would be secure, and run effectively and smoothly. She'd instituted a backup procedure that should prevent data loss. She should be happy. Really happy. Her first really big assignment had gone very well. Even Giles, hater of the "infernal machines" had been pleased and impressed.
So, why was she feeling out of sorts? Cranky, and maybe blue? Because she knew she was at crunch time. Decision time. And it wasn't going to be easy. Like, it ever is easy.
Giles, impressed by her work her at the Council, had come to her with an offer. The council wanted to set up their ancillary branch in Cleveland, home of the 'other' Hellmouth. With all the demon activity there, and the surplus of slayers, They wanted to set up a branch office/ training center there. They wanted to 'wire it up', and create a second database at Cleveland. That way, they could have the necessary knowledge at their fingertips, and valuable texts didn't need to be moved to Cleveland. After the last attack on the Council by the first, the Council had taken strong precautions to preserve what was left. The current 'library' was stored underground in a secret location. It was hermetically sealed, and temperature/ humidity controlled to keep the valuable and irreplaceable texts preserved. And secured. So of course, the idea of scattering the texts over two continents didn't have appeal. But, with a database in Cleveland, and access to the central database in London, this problem would be solved. And Willow was the one they wanted to set it up.
Willow, of course, was very pleased that the council wanted her to be in charge of the project. It was a challenge, and she enjoyed the work and the challenges it gave her. Also, if she got away from Council, physically at least, it would give her the opportunity to start working on her own plans: to set up an independent consulting/ design firm. While she was happy to work for the council , she didn't want to be PART of the council. She wanted her own life, outside of the politics and bureaucracy. She needed the freedom to pursue her other interest, Wicca. And frankly, after 7 years of seeing what the council could do to slayers, she didn't want to be an 'integral' part of it. She knows that Buffy is working hard to change all that, but there is lots of resistance to any change. So, if push comes to shove, she wants to be able to walk away from it. This would be an opportunity to begin working towards that goal.
But with any opportunity, there are negatives. A big one, in this case. If she took the offer, moved to Cleveland, it meant that she would be leaving Buffy behind. Buffy, despite her moans and groans to Willow, was really showing leadership and aptitude for the council. She'd made strides in improving its efficiency, and setting new policy. But the work had a long way to go, and what had looked to be a year at the start, now was looking more like 2 years... or more. And she couldn't just up and quit. Leave it behind her. This was important work. Important to her. She wanted to make the council, for the first time in it's history, 'slayer friendly'. Since there was an enormous increase in the slayer population, this was critical. Buffy leaving now could ruin all the work she'd done up to now. Buffy couldn't accept that, and Willow wouldn't want her to.
But, it was even more complex than that. Buffy was going to therapy, trying to work out the problems she was having getting more intimate with Willow. And Willow had been touched. She knew how hard it was for Buffy to even admit a problem, much less seek help. That made doing this harder. Much harder. It was to her like deserting her best friend... and lover. Just when she might be needed most.
It made it seem wrong, somehow, for her to leave now. That's what had her feeling upset and cranky. Guilt. What if Buffy needed me and I wasn't there to help her? What if Buffy had a breakthrough, and I wasn't there to share it? What if I leave, and I lose her?
What if, what if, what if. Playing the 'what if...' game again, Willow? So, here's another. What if you can't lose her, because you don't have her? What if your making yourself crazy, and it's all for nothing? What if, Willow, what if, she just doesn't need you? What if, Willow, she finds out in therapy, she doesn't really love you? What if? What are you going to do then?
The hum of the machines, seemingly comforting before, now begins to grate on Willow. She needs out, to get out. Get out of this room. Out of this damned building. Maybe out of this damned country.
Willow gets up, and leaves the server room. She starts making for the exit of the Council building, her mind racing with conflicting thoughts and feelings. She finally hits the lobby to the building, and makes a fast exit out the door. Free! It feels free out here, out of that place. Her lungs fill with air, like she had been forgetting to breathe while she was running away from it. She stops for a minute, the air feeling cool on her face, her heart feeling like bands have been loosened from it. And as she pauses, her mind slams back to Buffy.
For seven years, Will, you've let Buffy be first. Too many times, you've done something, not for yourself, but because it'd be best for Buffy. How much more of you're life are you going to wait for Buffy? Wait ON Buffy? You've given her everything, even wanted to give her your body, and she's pushed you away. Why? Why do you still do it? Why do you base every decision you make on what Buffy will think or feel? Even coming here, to design the network, had been because you wanted to be closer to Buffy. You were coming anyway, this was just an excuse. You came, you tried with Buffy. And what happens? More problems, more roadblocks, more ...stuff.
Now you have a chance to stand on your own, Will. To be yourself, to do what you do best, and not worry about Buffy. To be Buffy-free. To really make something for yourself. And you're waffling, again. Afraid that if you leave, you'll lose Buffy. But, do you even HAVE Buffy? Or is it just your heart, your foolish, silly heart that wants it so bad you're going to throw it all away, waiting, hoping that Buffy will finally notice you?
But I love Buffy, I really love Buffy. She's... What I've wanted forever. Do I just throw that away? I love her!! I'm supposed to forget that ?
I know you love her Will. It's damned obvious. But maybe that just isn't enough. Maybe it isn't enough for you to love her. Maybe she needs to love you back.
But she loves me back, I can sense she does. Everything she does says that. She loves me too. So, I go, and she feels like I don't care anymore. And how's that going to get what I want? I want Buffy. I need her, and she needs me.
Does she Willow? Really? So why is it then that she won't touch you again? Not in the way you want to be touched? Why is it you sense a something in her, a place that you can't approach? Why won't she let you all the way in, but stops you if you get too close? Why?
I dunno.
You know, Will. You know it very well. You just don't want to face it, it hurts too much. But you know.
I don't know!!!!
You do know, Will. You do. Stop, please just stop. Stop lying to yourself. At least be honest with yourself. Just admit it.
She's.... she's never going to feel for me the same way I feel for her... is she?
(Silence)
Is she?
(Silence)
I hate when you do this. I hate you. I hate when you're fucking right!!!!!
I...guess it just wasn't meant to be, Will.
(silence)
I'm sorry Will, but it's for your own good
(silence)
Will? Please, talk to me
Leave me alone
Will...
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Willow sits on the nearest bench. To all appearances, she looks like she's people watching. But she's really not looking at anything.
She just needs to be alone.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Buffy left her therapist's office with a determined look on her face.
And feeling bruised and beaten up
No, not physically. But emotionally, mentally. They'd made a minor breakthrough today, but it didn't feel minor to Buffy. It's felt like going three rounds with Glak demons. A big bunch of Glak demons, with clubs and really bad attitudes.
The session had started normally enough. They talked about her relationship with Willow, and her past relationships, and how she dealt with things, and her sister, and all sorts of crap. Buffy wasn't sure, but it must have been something she said, or how she said it, that changed the session. Instead of keeping back like she normally did, her therapist began to challenge her. Push her a little on this, tug at her a little on that. All very subtle at first. But then she got more aggressive, putting Buffy on the defensive. Not letting her get away with her defenses. She'd just knock them down, and Buffy would then have to dig deeper. It was ... brutal. It hurt. Sometimes she wanted to punch her(so glad I didn't do that. Whew. Think of the lawsuit!). But in the end, it forced her to face things. Things she'd buried long ago. Things she hadn't admitted to. Things she wanted to forget... but couldn't.
First thing she faced was that right now, she wasn't ready. For physical intimacy. And it wasn't really her fault. Ok, some of it was, but it had to do more with losing her other lovers. Seems every time she'd get close , physically close, to a lover, she'd wind up losing them. Eventually. She'd buried this. As long as she didn't really...well... commit, she was ok. But she associated sex with commitment, and... well...every commitment she'd made had been thrown back in her face. Angel... ok, good reason NOT to get physical there. Goes evil. But it still had the nagging feeling that it was her fault. And Riley. Normal guy. Not so normal, not so wholesome, and finally, he started seeking out weird stuff to make him feel. And ...then left her. So not good. And there was good old Parker Abrams. Who was so Mr. Casual encounter. But Buffy and sex wasn't casual. She was old fashioned that way. Sex meant something. Something special. When he spurned her, telling her it was just supposed to be...well...one time, it really cut to the bone. It went against all her beliefs. To her mind, it was utter deceit, bordering on rape. Dramatic much, Buffy. Ok, maybe a little, but it surely made me feel violated. Cheap. However you want to see it.
When Willow resurrected me, when I came back to life, it was all so ...harsh and bright and brutal. And I was changed, inside and out. I ... wasn't the same as before. I no longer could feel in an emotional way. I used sex to feel. That explains the whole Spike thing...well...at first, anyway. I needed to feel something, because my whole inside felt hollow. I was empty. And angry. So angry. And I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to feel something else. And I couldn't. So I associated sex with feeling. And for a few brief seconds I could feel ... content again. In the afterglow. But it all faded so fast, and I was back again. It became an addiction, a nasty, bad habit. I finally tried to break it, same time Willow tried to break using magic. And you know how that turned out.
And then Spike nearly raped me. And I'm told I shouldn't feel any blame for that. Ok, get that, I guess. But wasn't he just following the rules we'd set? So, I'm not 100% guilt free there, even though it was so wrong for him to do. But then, he didn't have a soul, did he? God, quit making excuses, for either of you. It was ugly, and it made me feel ugly, and he... paid for it, once he got his soul. Paid and paid.
But I see now that was the turning point. Sex became... ugly for me. It wasn't beautiful anymore. It wasn't sharing. It was... bad, or at least, that's what I've been telling myself. Inside, deep down. That it's bad. Not touching, not kissing. But when it comes to consummating the act, it ... god, I'm twisted. Kiss me, ok. Beat me, bring it on sucker. But, want to make me feel wonderful, make my head explode with pleasure, and I'm so screwed up it's laughable. Except, it so isn't funny.
But at least it's all me, and not my feelings for Will. Because I love her so much, I think I'll die if I lose her. Or want to die. And it's not because of some fear of homosexuality, or being a lesbian, or something. It's my own stupid fear. And now that we know what it's, we can deal. We can work it out. And someday, God LET IT BE SOON, Me and Will can make love. Be together, like I so want to be together.
Oh, god, Poor Will. What she's had to put up with. I'm so screwed up, it's a joke. And the joke's been at her expense. But I can tell her now, and really, really mean it, that I love her madly...and that sex will come. And it will come. I know it's going to be sweet, and wonderful. Like she is.
I have so much to make up to her. I just hope I can. I...know it's been hard for her. She must think I've been rejecting her. Not wanting her. But it's not her, the same would have happened with anyone. I just hope she'll understand that. I've got lots of crawling, and feet kissing, and begging to do. Wonder if I should get knee pads? Hee, hee. God, for the first time in a long time, I feel really good. Really...free. Free to love her like I want to love her. God, I hope I'm not too late.
Stop it Buffy. All positives here. It's all good. Will is the best. She'll understand. I'm so lucky to have her.
Super lucky. Amazingly lucky. Because I surely don't deserve her.
Screw it. I'm blowing off the rest of the day. The council will live one day without my charming, witty self. I'm going home, I'm gonna make a special dinner for Will, and I'm gonna tell her what I've learned. We're gonna celebrate. Yeah.
It's all gonna be good from now on!
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It's amazing how a few minutes can change your life.
That's what Buffy was thinking, looking at the still packed grocery bags sitting on the dining room table. She'd been sitting at that table for the last hour or so, still trying to understand what happened. Still staring at the note left for her, trying to make it talk to her, explain to her what happened.
When she'd come home, she'd been buzzed. She was humming to herself, planning a really nice surprise dinner for Will. She'd gotten everything Will liked. She was going to outdo herself, try to make it truly special for Will. Make the night perfect. As perfect as she could. And they would kiss and cuddle, and plan for the day when it would be more than kissing and cuddling.
She'd gotten as far as the dining room, had just set down the groceries, when she saw the note. She thought at first her plans might be put off, because Will had to work late, or something. No big. She could adjust. This was for Will. It was all for Will.
Then she read the note. And her heart dropped to her stomach. She felt sick, and winded, like she'd been punched.
Dear Buffy,
This is so cowardly of me. I should be there, telling you to your face what I have to tell you. But, I know if I looked into those beautiful hazel eyes of yours, if I saw your expression, if I even just heard your voice, I couldn't do what I have to do. And I have to do it. I can't chicken out. I can't.
This is so hard, Buffy. It's harder than I thought it'd be. I know you probably won't believe it, but as I'm writing this, it's like someone is clawing at my heart. It hurts, but it's got to be done.
I'm leaving, Buffy. I'm leaving you. Oh, Goddess, those words hurt. It's so cruel, and I don't mean to be cruel. The last thing I want is to be cruel to you, Buffy. Please try to understand that.
It's not that I don't love you anymore Buffy. That's not it at all. If anything, I love you too much. So much, I lose myself in you, and I can't go on doing that. I can't cease to exist, Buffy, not even for you.
Thing is, Buffy, I do love you. But, I don't think you love me. Not in the way I want you to love me. I can't ... live like that anymore. I need to be loved back. And as sweet as you are to me, as much as I adore how you treat me, I don't sense the love. Not from you, Buffy. I'm not saying you don't love me. I think you do. As a friend, maybe even like a sister. But not as someone you want to share your life with. I just don't feel that from you. Much as you try, it just doesn't seem to be there. Maybe it never was.
I've loved you forever, Buffy, and I wanted to believe you loved me too. I guess I was kidding myself that way. That you could love me the same way I loved you. That's why I've held on so long. In some ways it's been heaven for me, Buffy, but in other ways, it's been pure hell. Being with you, living with you, has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm giddy, happy, sad and miserable, all at the same time. And I just can't do it anymore.
I don't know why you don't love me, Buffy. Maybe you've never stopped loving Angel. Not really. I remember all too well how you reacted when he left you. How you ...broke down in my bedroom, and cried. Like someone had ripped out your heart. Maybe he did, Buffy. Maybe that's why you can't love now. I don't know. But I know that it feels like my heart's been ripped out, thinking I'm not going to have you, be with you. But, living this charade is worse. I believe, deep down, you still love Angel. And I can't go on pretending to myself that you love me. I can't accept halfsies. I need it all... or none at all.
So, I have to go now. Because, the longer I stay, the harder it's going to get. One day, all too soon, I might not have the courage to do this. As it is , it's eating me up. But in the long run, it'll be better for both of us.
I've packed my stuff, and am living temporarily in a hotel in the city. I'm not telling you where, because I don't think seeing you would be a good idea. I'm leaving Britain soon, going back to the states. Giles has offered me a chance to help set up the Cleveland branch office, and I've accepted. Please, I'm begging you. Don't try to contact me. It's just too hard to be around you, Buffy.
Maybe someday in the future, we can meet and be friends again. I don't know. Right now, however, I just can't be with you. I hope you understand. I'm not doing this because I hate you, Buffy. I'm doing this to save my life. I know doing this by letter is hard and cold. But I just couldn't face you, Buffy. I hope you'll forgive me that weakness. Take care of yourself, Buffy. I hope one day you'll find someone to love. That we both do.
Willow.
Buffy read, and re-read the letter. She kept trying to find the hidden meaning. The part where it explained what she'd done wrong. How she could fix this. But, no matter how many times she read it, it still didn't explain it to her. How Willow could believe she didn't love her. How Willow thought it was better she leave. It was all jumble and nonsense. She couldn't get it. She couldn't believe it. But she had to believe it, it was there. Right there, in black and white, in Will's handwriting.
She didn't want to believe it. It was a joke, some kind of cruel joke. Someone was angry with her, and struck her at her most vulnerable part. She ran upstairs, and checked the bedroom. And found out it was no joke. Will's clothes and her personal stuff were gone. All gone.
She trudged back downstairs, and looked around. She kept hoping that Willow would walk in the door. That she'd wake up from this nightmare, and Will would be next to her, softly snoring. That she was hallucinating, and that it would just stop. JUST STOP!!
But it wasn't a nightmare, or a hallucination, or a sick joke. It was real. Too real. She... she needed to get out of here. This house felt...wrong. Cold. Bad. Not looking left or right, not caring about the groceries, or anything anymore, she made a beeline for the door. She opened the door, and realized it was near dark. She turned around, grabbed a coat, and then walked out, slamming the door behind her.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Rupert Giles sat at his desk, rubbing his temple. He had a raging headache.
It'd been another * wonderful * day at the office. He was frustrated, and more than a little inclined to plant bombs in certain recalcitrant council member's offices. He was being reminded yet again why he so preferred field work. They were an idiotic bunch of blockheads. Anything new, any change was abomination for them. The old ways worked for centuries. Why change now?
Oh, I don't know... maybe because we're no longer living in the 15th century? Maybe because it's no longer the Chosen one, but the Chosen? God, how can they be so bloody thickheaded ponces, anyway? Things have changed, but these prats believe there is only one way to do things... the old way, their way. Given their way, I'm sure they'd love to bring back the Inquisition, too.
A not too gentle knocking at his door interrupts his thoughts. He stares at the door, annoyed. Just what he needs, another bloody idiot giving him grief. He sighs, and calls out " Come in"
A small blonde woman, looking very upset, enters his office. He is on his feet immediately.
"Buffy, I'm sorry, I didn't know...." Giles starts, but is cut off by Buffy
"When did you plan on telling me, Giles?" Buffy says, clearly angry.
" Telling you? I don't understand" Giles says, confused.
"You don't know?" Buffy says, laughing. It's not a pretty laugh." Oh, say about Cleveland. And Willow. And Willow GOING to Cleveland? When was I going to be informed? After she was on the plane? Maybe when she landed? How about in 6 months? WHEN???"
"Buffy, I ... " Giles begins again, but is cut off once again by the slayer.
"Maybe you just thought I wouldn't notice? That Will was gone, but I wouldn't care? Is that it, Giles?" Buffy spits out, furious.
" Buffy" Giles says, voice quiet, but with a slight edge to it." There was no 'conspiracy' not to inform you. I thought Willow would tell you. I thought perhaps you would go along with her".
"Well, guess again!. So, what, Giles? Was this some plan to break us up?" Buffy says, her voice low and heavy." I know you weren't crazy about her and me being together, but this is low. Really low. It stinks!"
"Buffy!" Giles replies, his voice stern." No matter my reservations about you and Willow being a couple, I would never do something like that to hurt you. I thought you would know that!"
"Oh, yes, Giles. Of course" Buffy says, sarcastically." You're the model of tolerance. Of forgiveness. Like, how you forgave Angel for Jenny Calendar. How tolerant you were towards Spike. So tolerant, you helped Robin try to kill him. Yes, tolerance is your keyword."
"Buffy" Giles says, his voice low and harsh." I believe I have good reason for not particularly liking Angel" Giles rubs the hand where Angel broke his fingers." As for Spike, I was doing what I thought best. You were hardly objective, and your actions could have cost us a lot in the fight with The First".
" If we go by that line of thought, Giles, I guess I have good reason not to like you very much, either" Buffy says, her voice hard." Or perhaps you've forgotten my Cruciamentum?"
Giles looks at his hands, his face reflecting his guilt.
"Thought not. Well, you'll be happy to know, Giles, it worked" Buffy says, angrily. She turns away from him.
"Buffy? I don't understand" Giles says, moving closer." What is this about?"
Buffy stands silent for awhile. Then her shoulders begin to shake.
"She's left me, Giles" Buffy says, her voice cracking.
"Buffy" Giles says, going to her. His voice is calm now, and gentle "I didn't know".
Buffy turns to him, her face red, and her eyes bright with tears.
"Why, Giles? What did I do? Why is she leaving me??" Buffy says, holding herself, trying to control her emotions. " She didn't even talk to me, Giles. She left me a note! She won't tell me where she is. Please, tell me Giles! Where is she? I got to go to her. I love her so much, Giles. I can't lose her now" Buffy is losing the battle, as the tears roll down her face.
Giles, his reserve cracking as it always does when he sees Buffy in pain, gently takes her in his arms, and holds her. She leans against him, as if her legs failed her. She gently begins to weep.
" I don't know where she is, Buffy. I'm sorry" Giles says, trying to soothe her. Despite the years, any time Buffy cries, it rips at his heart.
"I've screwed up so badly, Giles. She must hate me." Buffy says, between sobs." I... I only want her to know I love her. And if she wants to leave me then, I'll...I won't stop her...but please, help me, Giles." She looks up into his face, her eyes pleading.
"We'll find her, Buffy, I promise" Giles says. But he has his doubts. London is huge. Finding one redhead is not going to be easy.
"What about her flight, Giles? Can't we ...I mean, don't we know when it's going to take off? Couldn't we meet her at the airport?" Buffy asks, hopeful.
"There's a problem with that, Buffy. The tickets I gave her were open ended. She can leave at any time." Giles says." I wanted to give her and you time to get prepared".
"You...you really gave her 2 tickets? You thought I'd leave with her?" Buffy asks, not believing
"Of course, Buffy. I know I had reservations about your relationship...your new relationship... with Willow. But, I wasn't about to come between you" Giles says.
"But...what about my work here? On the council?" Buffy asks." Didn't you want me to stay?"
"Yes, of course. But, I figured being with Willow was more important. And once you were there, I was going to offer you the Directorship of the Training Academy."
Buffy looks at Giles and starts to cry again. He hold her, knowing she needs to let it out.
"I... I so sorry Giles. I was so wrong. About everything" She sniffles. "Can you forgive me?"
He looks down at her, and as he's said a thousand times before to this very question, " Of course, Buffy".
"What am I going to do, Giles? How do I find her?" Buffy asks
"Well, I think right now, finding her here will be ...hard. But we do know where she's going, don't we?" Giles says.
"Yes, we do" Buffy replies, in a small voice.
"Well, I think it's time we took a little trip to Cleveland, don't you?" Giles asks
"We?" Buffy asks, confused. "What about the council?"
Giles winces. " Damn the bloody ponces. I need to get away from here for awhile, just so I don't murder some of them"
Buffy smiles a little " You too? A few I wouldn't mind taking into a room and teaching them what " pissed off slayer" means" She sniffles.
Giles takes out his handkerchief, and offers it to Buffy, who dries her eyes.
"That's better. Now, I believe we have a flight to book, and a red headed witch to catch" Giles says, smiling a little.
"Yeah" Buffy says, her mood deflating a little. " If she'll even talk to me"
"Don't worry, Buffy. We'll get this straightened out" Giles says. He just wished he believed it.
They leave his office, Giles cutting the lights as they walk through the door.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TBC.