I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 12
[reviews]
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
I'll see you in my heart
Part 12
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Buffy wondered if she had made a mistake.
She'd had a lot of time to think while she was on the plane. She read and reread Willow's letter to her. Every time she did the tears would start again. She never realized how much she hurt Willow. That was last thing she ever wanted to do. Willow was everything to her; she hadn't realized how much until she lost Willow. There's no denying it, she lost Willow. Going to Cleveland to try to get her back was simply a fool's errand. It was clear to her that the wounds were too deep, too fresh for her to try to get Willow back now. But that didn't make it any easier to except that Willow was leaving her, had left her, and she wouldn't be a part of her life anymore. She wished that Willow was right. She wished with all her heart that she didn't love Willow, that she didn't want to spend her life with her. It would make it easier for Buffy to let her go. Right now, her insides felt all twisted up, and all she could do was cry.
She kept trying to understand why making the last little step was so hard for her. Why was it so different with Willow, than with the rest? Okay, Willow was a girl. Buffy had to admit that it was a little bit strange for her to be making love to another woman. Strange, yes. New, yes. But as far as they got it was also very nice. Extremely nice. She loved the way Will's skin felt under her fingertips. She loved the softness of Willow's lips. She sighed to herself when she thought about how Willow's fingers touched her in special ways. She loved the smell of Willow's skin, of Willow's hair. She loved the soft little noises Willow made when Buffy kissed her, when she touched her. It all seemed good; so why couldn't she take that final step? Her therapist dismissed the cause of it being a gay relationship. The strangeness she felt was because it was new, not because she felt any revulsion or mixed feelings. After a number of sessions with her therapist, they were beginning to get to the root cause of the problem.
It was more any issue of intimacy than anything else. Every relationship she'd had where intimacy was involved where she gave herself over to the other person had ended badly. She developed a phobia of intimacy. Somewhere deep in her mind, the idea that intimacy equals rejection has become deeply rooted. It wouldn't matter who she tried to be intimate with, male or female. She would only be able to go so far, and then the panic would set in. when she thought about it in her conscious mind it seemed stupid. But that made no less real for her.
It was ironic. Her phobia which she developed to protect herself from rejection was causing Willow to leave her. she was losing the one person she loved most of all because of her own foolish fears. She felt nothing but self-contempt. Willow had been there for her through everything. Even when Willow could have killed her when she went dark she didn't. But as she thought about the last seven years, everything she's been through, everything she survived, Will has been a big part of that. She'd been so blind, so foolish not to see the one person who was everything to her. She'd been there all the time. Now, she'd have to learn to live her life without Will. The thought was eating her alive.
But until she was "fixed", until she could give Will her all, her everything she had to let her go. It wasn't fair to keep Will hanging. More important than her own happiness, was that Will was happy. So why was the thought of Will not being in her life making her so damned miserable?
Buffy felt the tears burning in her eyes again, and shook herself angrily. "Damn you Buffy Summers, you have no right to cry. This is all your fault. It didn't have to be this way. You were a fool, and you lost her. For once in your life Buffy, do the right damned thing by Willow, and let her go. She deserves better than you. She deserves to be happy." The one small solace she had in all this, was because of the lateness with which she and Giles had booked this flight, they could not sit together. It would be worse for her if Giles saw how much she was crying. She knew what she had to do, and she knew how Giles would try to comfort her. she didn't deserve to be comforted.
Buffy got out of her seat and headed towards the plane's restroom. She needed to clean herself up a bit, and get control of herself. Looking and acting like a crybaby right now wasn't going to help things. She cooled her face and checked herself in the mirror. She straightened up a bit, sighed, and returned to her seat. Folding down her seat-back tray, she began composing a letter to Will. She's going to honor Will's request not to see her, but she still had to let Will know what's the in Buffy's heart.
If Will still believed that Buffy had a heart.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
There was a surprise of waiting at Hopkins International Airport when their plane arrived.
Buffy's first surprise was that Willow was going to meet their plane. Giles had not mentioned to her that he had informed Willow that he was coming over. Fortunately, he had told Willow that Buffy would be with him. She only found out by accident as they were departing the plane. She immediately cornered Giles and spoke with him.
"Giles! Why didn't you tell me? I... I can't see her! She asked me not to. This is hard enough on her, without me making it worse for her!" Buffy said.
"Buffy, if you had no intention of seeing her, why did you even come?" Giles sighed. "It seems rather foolish to come all this way to not see her now".
"Yes, Giles. Total massive idiotness here", Buffy said, her voice low. "I should've brain- engaged before coming. I did a lot of thinking on the plane, and I realized that me coming here is only going to hurt Will more. I really can't let her see me here".
"Buffy", Giles said. "Avoiding the problem is not going to solve the problem. You're here now. Don't you think it would be better if you and Willow talked about this. Running away from each other is hardly going to bring you together".
"Giles, were not running away from each other. I didn't realize how much I hurt Will until I read the letter again, and again. You'll be happy to know you were right, Giles. Rather than thinking about it, I just came. It was dumb, okay!? I shoulda stayed in England. But I didn't, I'm here now. Now you tell me that Will is coming to meet the plane." Buffy sighs. "Giles, I've upset her enough. Seeing me now is going to bring it all back up to her. I don't want to do that to her again. Please Giles, help me".
Giles can't help but feel some irritation. Buffy made a huge fuss about coming here. Now after all the trouble he went through to get tickets to come here as quickly as they did she's not going to even meet Willow. Buffy is not a child anymore, she should start thinking these things out. But then he looks at her face, and sees how sad she is. She is biting her lip trying to hold back the tears. He feels his irritation melt away. He puts his hand on her shoulder.
"Are you sure about this Buffy?" Giles asks. She nods. "Very well then, you go directly to the Training Center. I will meet Willow here and join you there later." Giles fishes through his pockets looking for something. He pulls out a set of keys, and hands them to Buffy. "It's early enough yet that someone should still be there. However, in case it's locked up, here are the keys so you can get in".
Buffy opens her purse, fishes through it, pulls out an envelope and hands it to Giles. Giles looks at it, and throws Buffy a silent question.
"It's for Will" Buffy says. "Please give it to her?"
"Of course Buffy" Giles says. He puts the envelope in his coat pocket.
They walk down the concourse a bit, then Buffy takes his seat by one of the terminal gates. Giles sits by her, and puts his arm around her shoulder. He gives her a small hug.
"Don't worry Buffy" Giles says, trying to comfort her a bit. "You and Willow have been friends for too long for this to separate you . You'll both work it out".
"I hope you're right, Giles" Buffy says. Her eyes, however, say she doesn't believe him.
Giving her shoulders one final squeeze, Giles gets up and walks down the concourse to meet Willow. Buffy remains seated for a while longer, giving Giles time to meet Willow and for them to leave the airport. Buffy finally gets up, picks up her carry-on bag, and trudges down the concourse to get her luggage.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Giles walked down the airport concourse towards the luggage pick up.
He appeared to be a bit distracted ; that was normal enough as he was worried about Buffy and Willow. It seems a great deal of his time over the past seven years had been spent worrying about either Buffy or Willow or both of them. He smiled at himself. He supposed that came with the territory. He knew in the grand scheme of things, he was only Buffy's watcher. He was not supposed to be more involved than that. But of course he was more involved than that. he had always felt a father's affection towards Buffy, and towards Willow. Knowing that they both were hurting, and because they would not talk to each other were hurting each other, was rather upsetting for him. Of course, he was just an old fuddy, so he naturally couldn't understand these kinds of things. They of course thought he'd been born fully grown and in tweeds. Of course, he has no idea what it's like to be young and the love. He sighed at the sigh of the man who is seen this happen to both of his "daughters" more than once. and now they're doing it to each other. He knows they didn't mean to but somehow they've put him in the middle of this. It of course exasperated him, irritated him, and gave him headaches. But secretly, he wouldn't have it any other way.
He spots Willow waiting for him by the luggage carousel. She sees him and a bright smile comes on her face. But he notices that she's looking around him , as if hoping to see someone else. "I wonder who?" He asks itself, sarcastically. If only these two would talk to each other, really talk to each other, they probably could avoid a lot of these problems. But he won't be holding his breath waiting for that to happen. He puts on a smile and walks over to Willow.
"You're looking well" Giles says. Except maybe for those dark rings under your eyes he thinks to himself.
"Giles" she says warmly, hugging him. And as with Buffy his irritation and annoyance immediately disappears , sensing her sadness. Even though she's trying to put a brave face on it; oddly enough just like Buffy.
"So, how are you Giles?" She asks. Behind her words he can hear the unspoken question "how is Buffy?"
"I'm fine thank you Willow" replies Giles. "How are you holding up?" He asks gently.
"I'm good, Giles" Willow says. The Giles to see that the smile doesn't reach her eyes. He thinks maybe it would be a good time to switch subjects.
"So how is the new network progressing?" Asks Giles. Not that he's particularly bloody interested in these things but he figures it will take her mind off of Buffy for a second.
"it's going along pretty well Giles. However, there are a few concerns I like to discuss with you, say over dinner?" Willow replies.
"Well, I'll admit that discussing those infernal machines is not one of my favorite topics. However, if I gets a chance to have dinner with you over it very good then" Giles says. "It's always a pleasure to spend some time with you, Willow".
Willow blushes slightly. "Thank you Giles". She smiles at him.
He smiles and moves off to retrieve his luggage. He suddenly remembers the envelope the Buffy gave to him to give to Willow. He turns back towards her, and before she notices him, he sees at her expression is changed. Her whole face looks sad. She notices him looking at her, and puts back on her smile. He walks back towards her.
"This is for you" Giles says. He hands her the envelope. She looks at it and sees her name on it, noticing it's Buffy's handwriting. She looks at him questioningly. "She didn't tell me what was in it" Giles says gently.
She looks at a bit more, wanting to open it, and not wanting to open it. She then puts it in her purse. They both go the luggage carousel to retrieve Giles' luggage.
They retrieve his luggage and leave the airport, without saying another word.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
It seems that all of Buffy's surprises were not confined to the airport.
Buffy caught a cab at the airport, and took it to the Training Center. On the ride over she began to wonder if it was such a good idea for her to be in Cleveland. The idea of her taking over the directorship of the Training Center was based upon the idea that she and Willow might be getting back together. That so wasn't going to happen. Being in the same city as Willow might be difficult (spell that torture) for the both of them. Maybe would be best to return to London, at least for the time being. But the little girl inside her, the selfish little girl, so didn't want that. She wanted Willow. Buffy sighed. Sometimes it was just too goddamn hard to be grown up. Sometimes she just wanted to break all the rules, do what she wanted, and the hell with the rest of it. Right now, she wanted to drink until she couldn't think straight. She sighed. Too bad she doesn't drink much. Right now she could use the delightful oblivion of being drunk.
As the cab pulled up to the Training Center, she checked the address to be sure it was correct. It looked like nothing more on the outside than old ,really ugly, abandoned warehouse. She looked again but the address was the correct one. She rolled her eyes and handed the cab driver his fare. She got out of the cab and grabbed her luggage. As the cab driver pulled away she wondered if maybe she had made a mistake by not asking him to wait for a few minutes. She walked to the door and surprisingly found it open. She walked inside, and was totally surprised.
It looked nothing like the outside on the inside. Inside it had been totally renovated, looking very spacious and modern. Struggling with her luggage (Buffy doesn't know how to pack light), she walked down the hall taking a look around. After she passed the elevators and stairway, the entire downstairs appeared to be devoted to physical training. It looked somewhat like the training room she had at the back of the Magic Box in Sunnydale, only 100 times larger. Putting down her luggage, she groped for a light switch. Finding it, she turned on the full lights.
She had to admit that they had gone all out in designing the Training Center. At least this part of it. It appeared that the floor was divided in half; half hardwood, half padded matting. The hardwood floor was obviously for weapon training and the matting was put down for hand-to-hand combat. She could see the weapons' lockers against a far wall. Scattered around were far more sophisticated practice dummies than she'd ever had. There is also an area devoted to gymnastics. All in all a very nice set up.
"This is way cool. I kinda like to look around the place. Somebody's got to be here. Maybe up in the offices, where the hell they are. Well, I guess I've gotta look around and try to find somebody to show me around here. Kinda hope I don't run into any paranoid slayers, I'll have a hard time fending them off with all his luggage(I gotta learn to pack lighter)."
Picking up her luggage, feeling like a pack mule, Buffy makes her way back to the elevators. Using her elbow to hit the up button, Buffy gets on the elevator. Struggling with full arms to try to hit the third-floor button, Buffy finally manages to get going. When the doors open, Buffy notices a brunette haired girl reading a notice on the bulletin board. "Finally maybe a little help around here". Buffy, overloaded with her luggage approaches the young woman.
"Excuse me" Buffy says. "I'm kinda new here. Can you tell me where the Director's office is?"
"Sure" a familiar voice says to her. Turning around, Faith, with her trademark smirk, gives Buffy the once-over. "I see you're packing light these days, B. Nothin' like keep it to the essentials. C'mon B., I'll take you there myself."
Buffy almost drops her luggage. "Faith! What're you doing here? Giles didn't tell me you'd be here!"
"Yeah, well, G. sometimes kinda plays a close to the vest. Who knows what he's thinkin'? Maybe he figures you'd freak if you knew I was working here. Well anyway, here I am, here you are, together again" She chuckles.
"Yeah well, maybe not for long. Not sure if I gonna be staying." Buffy says.
"C'mon, B. Don't to be that way. Ya just got here. It'll be a hoot." Faith grins. "Just think of the trouble we can get up to".
"Oh yeah. I remember the last time we got into trouble together. That worked out SO well" Buffy replies grinning.
"Yeah, that was the old bad Faith. This is the new and improved Faith. The ' I don't get psycho killer' Faith." Faith chuckles. "We DID have some good times ya know".
"Yeah, I guess we did" Buffy says, her eyebrow arched, a small grin on her face. "But we aren't carefree slayers here Faith. We got responsibilities here. We gotta be the grownups. Drag."
"Not 24 hours a day we don't" Faith says. "All work and no play makes Buffy really dull."
"So, now I'm dull" Buffy says pouting. Faith just grins at her.
"Don't worry about it, B. When I'm done with ya, you won't be dull" Faith says, smirking.
"Yeah, that's what worries me" Buffy says. "why don't you show me where the offices are, and I can dump this luggage. Then you can give me the grand tour this place".
"Sure, whatever you say boss lady" Faith says.
" Huh?" Buffy says, taken by surprise. "What're you talking about?"
"You're the director here. I'm just the lowly director of training. See B.? I knew ya liked it on top!" Faith laughs.
Buffy just looks at Faith, rolls her eyes, and sighs. She's already getting that ' oh my God' feeling.
"Just show me where the offices are please" Buffy begs, her arms feeling like they're going to fall off.
"K." Faith says.
The two women walk down the hall towards the offices.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Willow sits alone in her kitchen looking at the envelope.
All through dinner with Giles, Willow had managed to keep on a reasonably "perky" attitude. She'd done her best to keep the conversation moving along, reporting on her progress with the network. She'd tried to keep the explanations simple, and had seen that glazed look in Giles eyes only appear once or twice. She brought up her concerns about some security issues, explaining possible consequences and her proposed solutions. After that she and Giles had tried to keep the conversation light, definitely keeping it off of the "B." subject. Despite their best efforts however, as the evening wore on, Buffy came more and more to the forefront of Willow's mind. No matter how much she tried, Buffy always seem to come to the forefront of Willow's mind.
Ever since she left England, Willow wondered if she'd made to correct choice. Everyday was an incredible struggle not to call Buffy. she hadn't realized how much she was going to miss Buffy. It was like Oz, all over again. Except this time she'd been the one that left. But the pain felt the same. What Oz had left her, she had known how awful it felt to be left. She hadn't known how awful it felt to leave. Now she did. Everyday she worked hard, trying to keep thoughts of Buffy in the background. But that was as easy as trying to put out a volcano with a squirt gun. She thought that getting away from Buffy would make it easier for her. She'd been so wrong about that one. Even without sex, she'd was used to Buffy being around. With Buffy gone it was like there was a big hole in her..
"Goddess, when to stop hurting? What is get easier? I miss her so much! Shouldn't this be easier, with her not here? It's not. It's not better. I seem to see her everywhere. To see a short petite on the street with long blonde hair, my heart starts thumping in my chest. I have to hold myself back from running up to her to see if that's Buffy. Oh God, why does it always hurt so much? why do I always fall for the ones that seem so hopeless? I don't know, I just don't know."
Willow turns the envelope over and over in her hands. She can't decide whether she wants to read it, or throw it away. Either way she knows it'll be painful. ' If I throw it away, I'll always wonder what she said'. Working up her nerve, she opens the envelope and pulls out the letter.
Dearest Willow,
I guess writing this letter is one of the hardest things I ever had to. I wish, somehow, I could just talk to you for awhile, at least one last time. But I understand that you don't want see me, that it will just make it harder for you. Make it more painful for you. I'm sorry if the writing is a little shaky, my hand just isn't working right. I guess this is so hard because I know at the end of it I have to say goodbye to you. Nothing I've ever done in my life is as hard for me as saying goodbye to you.
I'm so sorry, Will, that I hurt you. I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. I would never in my life deliberately hurt you, Will. I was incredibly selfish, Will. I thought about my own pain, and never considered what I was doing was hurting you. Oh God Will, if there is any way I could make it right to you, I would. I would rather die Will, than hurt you.
Maybe you're right Will. Maybe I am heartless, cold, and unable to love. Maybe I never did get over Angel. But it doesn't feel that way. All I know is that it feels like my heart is breaking. If I don't love you Will, if you're right, then I've never known love. Maybe that's it Will. Maybe I just don't know what love is. But whatever it is that I'm feeling for you... oh God I don't know, all I know, is that losing you ... hurts. It really hurts. I'm sorry, I'm being selfish again. Please forgive me.
I do love you Will. As much as I know what love is, I love you Will. I've been incredibly awful to think that I can hold you when I can't give you everything that you need. I guess you're right, something inside me is broken. It's not fair for you to have to accept me as I am. So for once my life, I'm going to think about you, and what you need, and not about myself. Please believe me Will, the only thing I want for you is to be happy. You deserve it. You deserve someone who can give you everything. I guess I'm saying, oh God this is hard, is that I'm going to let you go. I guess if I'm honest, I can't give you the happiness that you deserve. I've failed you Will. Again.
This doesn't mean I don't want you, Will. This doesn't mean that I don't love you. At least in the way that I understand what love is. There is one thing you're wrong about, though. I would give anything to spend my life with you. You're all I want. You're all I'll ever want. But that doesn't matter, because I can't make you happy. Oh Will, I miss you so much already. What's life going to be like without you? I don't want to think about it. It hurts too much to think about it. I'll get selfish again, and tear this up.
I guess I have to accept living life without you. I have to accept that I'll never see you again. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My only comfort is that maybe you'll be happy. And that no matter what Will, you'll always be in my heart. I'll see you in my heart. If I can never see your eyes sparkle again, if I can never see your face light up like it does when you're happy, if I can never feel the touch of your hand on my face, or the touch of your lips on mine, at least I'll have that. In some way , some small way, I'll always have you with me. It's not enough, not nearly enough, but it's better than not having anything of you at all.
So, Will, I wish you all the happiness you deserve. You've given me seven years of joy, and I can't ask for anything more than that . Thank you, sweet Will, for being part of me and my life for so long. I hope you find someone who'll love you as you deserve.
Buffy
Willow stared at the letter, and felt her heart breaking all over again. She crumpled the letter in her hands, then carefully smoothed out. She brought the letter to her lips and kissed it. Her bottom lip began to quiver and tears started to stream down her cheeks. Making a small heartbroken noise, she laid her head on the table. She whispered quietly to herself before the tears took over:
" Love sucks "
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TBC