I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 13
[reviews]
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I'll see you in my heart .
Part 13 .
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Buffy sat staring out the window.
It's been six months since she accepted the new job as director of the Cleveland Training Center. She knows the work she's doing here is important. Training a new generation of slayers to fight the forces of darkness has to be rewarding. She's on the front line of a whole new era; an army a slayers to battle demons, vampires, and other threats to humankind. Knowing her own history with the Watcher's Council, she's designed flexibility into the schedule. Also, she makes sure that the slayers have "free time". Time to socialize, to have some kind of "normal" life.
Her favorite part of the job is going to various classrooms, watching the new "trainees" learn about their "destiny". She especially enjoys watching the physical training as the students hone their skills. She occasionally participates, and holds her own "workshops". These are designed to teach tricks that you only learn through experience.
Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. In this case, that means paperwork. All too much paperwork. She feels she's drowning in a sea of request forms, reports, and the usual bureaucratic nonsense. Unfortunately, this seems to take up most of her time, leaving little time for her "favorite" parts of the job. It seems she's traded one mound of paper for another when she switched jobs from the council to the center.
She makes a valiant efforts to wade through the sea of paper, often working late into the night. As she sees it, she might as well. Otherwise, she just goes home and brood. And she feels she does enough of that anyway. Her downtime, what there is of it, seems to be filled with brooding. Ever since London, ever since losing Will, that's all she seems to do.
As she staring out the window, she's thinking about Will again. Wondering how she's doing, wondering if she's happy, and wondering if Will misses her. She knows she misses Will, terribly. There's been many times she's been tempted to go to Giles and get Will's address and phone number. A few times she's actually started walking to Giles's office, but stopped herself. She's still respecting Willow's wishes not to be contacted by her. But it isn't easy, and it doesn't make her miss Will any less.
The only good thing, in her mind, with this whole situation has been her relationship with Faith. Over the months, they've really become closer. They've developed a friendship like they've never had before. Despite their differences in temperament and outlooks, they found a lot of common ground they never knew they had. Buffy had her reservations about Faith working here. Based upon past history, she was afraid of Faith's interaction with the girls. Not that she would harm them in anyway, at least deliberately; more it was Faith's influence on the girls. Faith had never been known as "Ms. Responsibility". After observing her, however, Buffy had to change her opinion. Faith was not only a good instructor, not only a good leader, but she said a good example for her girls. She was professional in her treatment of her students. Buffy had just completed Faith's six-month evaluation (Groan! More damned paper work), and had written a glowing report. Faith had earned it.
This is in no way to say that Faith was bucking for sainthood. Off duty, in her free hours, Faith was Faith. Ms. Dance the night away, Ms. Party hearty. But she never brought that persona to school. However, she's more than willing to bring that persona to Buffy. The few times that Buffy went out in the last six months were when Faith dragged her out. Buffy had the chuckle a little to herself. Faith didn't take "No" for an answer. One time, when Buffy was being particularly stubborn about it, Faith quietly threw her over her shoulder in a fireman's carry and hauled her out of the center. Buffy thinks she turned about 15 shades of red during that little trip. Buffy smiled to herself. After that she wasn't so stubborn about it.
But despite trying to bury herself in her work, despite Faith trying to cheer her up from time to time, in her heart Buffy was still miserable. Every night she cried herself to sleep missing Will. Every morning she would wake up and her heart would be heavy. Because it meant another day without Willow under her life. On those nights when there wasn't enough work to keep her busy until she dropped into bed from exhaustion, she often as not sat in the dark, nursing a glass of wine, her mind a whirl of thoughts and emotions about Willow. A little smile play across her lips when she thought about the good times; tears often rolled down her cheeks when she thought about the bad times. But mostly, she just sat and stared off into space. Her mind would play tricks with her, she sometimes felt that Willow was there with her in the room. In some pathetic way, this brought her a small measure of comfort.
As she sat there staring out the window, she wondered when it would start to get better. Time heals all wounds she'd always heard. But she so wasn't feeling any healing. Each day the ache her heart seemed to get worse, not better. She felt all alone in this; she knew Giles was tired of hearing it, though he was always sympathetic. Faith... well, Faith's not the kind of friend you pour your heart out to. At least, not at this stage of their relationship. So she sat alone and brooded over it, the ache in her heart growing larger and larger.
She felt lost and alone. She'd wandered down some strange path, and now couldn't find her way home. She felt alone, tired, and scared. Her biggest fear was she would never find her way back again.
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Willow sat quietly staring out the window of her apartment.
Since moving to San Francisco, Willow had done quite well for herself. She started up a small network security consulting company. Though still struggling to obtain new clients, she still did consulting for the Watcher's Council. That at least paid the bills, and she was making headway in the competitive networking market in San Francisco. She'd taken on to part-time employees, and plan to bring them on full-time as soon as she built the business up. While money wasn't coming in hand over fist, she still was able to live reasonably comfortably. All in all things were going well.
Except for one small thing. There was no Buffy in her life. And that seemed to make the rest of it kind of pointless.
"Is it ever gonna get better? It's been six months, and everyday it seems to be getting harder and harder to deal, not easier." Willow thought to herself. "I don't understand it. Why do I miss her more and more every day? I just can't get her out of my head. I want to. I so want to move on. It's totally hopeless to think the we can ever fix this. It's stupid. I shut the door on my end, and she locked it on her end. There can be no "us" anymore, we both pretty much made sure of that."
"So, why do I sit here, day after day, and brood over it? What's the point? I mean, do I really believe that Buffy is sitting in Cleveland brooding over this? Doubt it. More than likely she's moved on, found someone else, and is happy. That's a good thing. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy too. So come on Will, get off your butt, brush yourself off, and get out there. Stop mooning over Buffy. That ship has sailed, hit the reefs, and sunk to the bottom of the ocean."
Willow puts on her resolve face. She stands up and grabs her purse. Today's gonna be different. Today I'm gonna do it. I'm going out, I'm gonna change my life, and I'm gonna forget Buffy. She's probably forgot all about me. I'm sure of it. So it's time I put her behind me, and get on with my life.
She stands tall. She walks with determination to the front door. She opens the door, walks through it, and closes the behind her. We wait a minute. Then another minute. The door opens, Will walks in, and closes the door behind her. Her shoulders were slumped, she drops the purse on the table, and she walks back to her window.
"Well, that so didn't work" she sighs. "Well, maybe tomorrow". We should make note right here, she's been doing this little ritual for about the last three months. Each time with the same result.
Willow looks out over her part of San Francisco. The large ache her heart seemed to dull all of her other senses. Everything seems so washed out and gray. There seemed to be no life, no color.
Just like her own life.
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Faith's had enough.
She's been watching Buffy moon around the Center for months. She couldn't criticize her work(well she could, but she wasn't going to), but anyone could see their heart wasn't really in it. Part of that she knew was simply having to deal with paperwork. Hell that she can understand. But a larger part, the biggest part, had to do with the fact that Buffy was eating her heart out. Faith knew that Buffy was trying to hide the fact that she was missing Willow so much. It worked with somebody who didn't really know her very well. But anybody that really knew Buffy, who'd spent any time with Buffy, knew she was only half here. It worried Faith a little. There were a lot of things about Buffy she had to admit annoyed her. But the one thing she could never say about Buffy was that she did things half-heartedly. Buffy always put her all into what she did. But she wasn't doing that here.
It was probably because Buffy didn't have all of her heart to put into it. Red had the rest of it. When Red left Cleveland without a word, you could see that Buffy was devastated. She never admits it, if you try to push her on it she'd blow you off, or get defensive, but Red leaving Cleveland really tore Buffy up inside. As long as Red had been in Cleveland, Buffy had managed to deal with it. Not well, oftentimes clumsily, but she dealt. Once she left, something went out of Buffy. A certain look, a certain fire in the belly, just wasn't there anymore. She put in the time, hell, she often put in long hours of time doing the job. But that wasn't devotion to the work; she was using work to hide from herself.
Faith did her best to try to bring Buffy out of her funk. Whatever she could persuade her, or as she did sometimes, drag her by force, she would take Buffy out bar-hopping. Or sometimes to the movies. Sometimes just to get a cup of coffee or a meal. Anything to try to distract her a little. Try to get her mind off of what was really bothering her, even just for a little while. Buffy would go along with it. She would make an effort to try to "have fun". But that was the problem. She was a working at having fun. And that isn't fun.
Despite herself, Faith was really beginning to care about Buffy. She'd be the last one to admit it, but she was beginning to really treasure Buffy's friendship. She never really believed that they could be friends. But working with her, seeing how she dealt with people, seeing, even when she was in so much pain herself, how she cared about how others felt, put a crack Faith's reserve. Faith had never been one to make friends easily. She could charm people, she would sway people to her way of seeing things, but making real friends always eluded her. Maybe because, friendship is a two-way street and you have to give to get. Opening herself up to someone enough to be a friend was extremely difficult for Faith. But somehow, Buffy had managed to get her to open her up. Seeing her first real friend hurting this much hurt her.
Faith had to do something. She was tired of this soap opera, so it was time to do a little rewrite on the plot. It was pretty obvious to her that neither Buffy nor Red was going to do anything about this.
"This is totally bogus. I mean, doesn't B. want Red? What's she thinking? It's pretty lame to figure that things are just gonna happen by themselves. But what's she doing to try to get Red back? Not a damned thing. She sittin' here like a lump, doing the boo-hoos over Red. That's just peachy, but it ain't gonna get Red back. Time for somebody to light a fire under her butt." Faith chuckles. "I just love playin' with matches".
Faith, smiling to herself, heads towards Buffy's office.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Willow let out a little growl of frustration.
She was looking over a draft proposal to a new client concerning network upgrades. While the work was doable, the way the proposal was laid out was going to be a very expensive proposition. The same level of efficiency can be achieved at a much more affordable price. But her eager beaver associate Robert, had gone the Mercedes-Benz route. And the client was balking at the cost. Now she was going to have to arrange a client meeting and rework the proposal step-by-step. It meant a lot of extra work and time which, if Robert had been thinking straight, wouldn't be necessary. She liked Robert, he was very good it what he did. Sometimes however, he just went overboard. Like now. She is going to have to have a talk with him. A serious talk. Sigh. Not fun.
Willow got a tight little grin on her face. She guessed that meant a trip into the office. She sighed. Lately, she'd been trying to do most of her work from home. Somehow she just didn't have the drive to go to the office every day like she had at the beginning. With Robert, and her other associate Jana, running the office, most of the time she found herself trying to find things to do. Usually that ended up with her daydreaming about Buffy, which she could do just as well at home as at the office. So lately, she'd only been going in once or twice a week. But now looks like possibly she may have to be going in a few more days a week. "Maybe that's a good thing" she thought to herself. "Get me out of the house more. I'm beginning to become a hermit here".
She just decided to start looking over her e-mail when a knock came at the door. Sighing, she got out of the chair and headed for the door, wondering who that could be at this time of day. Probably somebody trying to sell her something. Great! Just what she needed.
"Yes?" She called through the door. She hoped to blow the salesman off without having to actually talk to them.
"Delivery!" Came the muffled voice through the door. Huh? She thought to herself. I didn't order anything.
"You sure you got the right address?" Called Willow through the door.
"Yes ma'am. This is Ms. Willow Rosenberg, isn't it?" Came the voice through the door. Something was a little bit familiar about that voice.
"Yes it is." Willow called back. "Give me a second here".
Willow unlatched the safety chain and opened the deadbolt. She opened the door, and looked out. Standing on the porch, was a young woman, rather tall with chestnut brown hair, startlingly blue eyes, and mischievous grin.
"What, no tip?" Dawn said standing at the door. "I hope you not getting cheap in your old age, Auntie Willow".
"Dawnie!!!" Willow cried out. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be the England? At Cambridge?"
"I ran away!" Dawn said. Willow gives Dawn a sidelong glance. Dawn throws up her hands and giggles. "I'm only kidding. I'm on a holiday for a couple of weeks. Much as I love my sister" Dawn rolls her eyes. "I really missed my Auntie Willow. So, here I am. Can I come in?" She asks.
"Of course, Dawnie" Willow says, really happy to see her. "I'm just surprised to see you here".
Dawn walked into Will's little house and took a look around. She was quite impressed with what she saw. Though was furnished modestly, still and all it had a nice homey feel to it. And it looked a lot bigger on the inside than you would guess looking at it from the outside.
"Really cool Willow" Dawn said. "This all yours?"
"Yeah" Willow said. "I was able to settle with the insurance company over my parents house in Sunnydale. They didn't want to pay off, but after my parents made a few phone calls, and the insurance company got a few threats about lawsuits, they all of a sudden became a lot more interested in making a settlement. With that money, and some of the money in my trust fund, I was able to get this."
"Oooo, Willow hexes the insurance demons and wins!" Dawn giggles.
" Dawnie, can I get you something? Tea? Soda?" Willow asks.
"Water's good, thanks " Dawn responds. Willow walks to the kitchen to get Dawn and herself some water.
"So, Dawnie, how's Cambridge? Are you enjoying college life?" Willow calls from the kitchen.
"Um... that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about" Dawn says, a little nervously. Willow returns from the kitchen carrying a glass of water for each of them.
"Really? Is everything OK? You're not having problems or anything are you?" Willow asks, a little worried.
"No, no, nothing like that. I mean, I'm doing OK academically and all. That's not a problem. Just... well... nobody's there except for the stuffy British types, and I'm kinda... well... I'm kinda missing you guys. it's dumb I know, but..." Dawn says, feeling kinda stupid. She shrugs.
Willow smiles a little. She can so understand the feeling. She feels kind of lost out here alone in San Francisco.
"It's OK, Dawnie. You're feeling a little homesick, is all. It's a little tough now, but you'll get used to it." Willow says. That's right Willow, lie to the girl. Like, you've gotten used to being alone.
"Well... um... I was kinda hoping I could ask your favor?" Dawn says.
"Sure Dawnie. Anything I can do." Willow says.
"I kinda checked into it already and I found I can transfer credits from Cambridge to Stanford. But I'd sorta need a place to live. So... um... I was wondering, well, if you got some extra space here could I kind of live here while I went to Stanford?" Dawn asks, a little hesitantly.
"It's OK by me Dawnie" Willow says. "But what about Buffy? And Giles? Don't you think you should ask them before you make the decisions to leave Cambridge? After all, they did a lot to get you in there. I think it's only right to at least let them know before you make any major decisions."
Dawn blushes a little. "Well, that was the second favor I was gonna ask. I was wondering maybe do you think you could kinda speak to them about it? I mean, um, they might listen to you more than they would listen to me".
It's Willow's turn to blush a little bit. "I don't think you would be a good idea, Dawnie" Willow says, trying to avoid her eyes.
Dawn looks at Willow's expression, and gets a puzzled look on her face. I can understand she doesn't want to do it, Dawn thinks to herself, but what's the uncomfortableness about?
"That's OK, Will" Dawn says, sounding disappointed. "I understand. I got it".
Willow sighs. "It's not that I don't want to, Dawnie" Willow says. "It's just that... right now things between me and Buffy... are kinda... well, not so good".
"Huh? What's going on Willow?" Dawn asks, confused. "Things were OK with you and Buffy before I went to Cambridge. What happened?"
Willow looks at Dawn, and hesitates. She wonders to herself exactly how much she should tell Dawn about her and Buffy's relationship. It seems that Buffy has told Dawn nothing about it. Maybe she can do a little selective editing and still give Dawn the general gist of it.
Willow briefly and selectively tells Dawn about her and Buffy's falling out. She doesn't make mention of the fact that Buffy and she had been lovers. Dawn has a with quizzical look on her face.
"I'm not getting it, Will" Dawn says. "I mean, I understand you and Buffy had a fight. But is not like the first time that's happened. What's so different this time? You guys have been like together forever. Seems hard to believe that one little fight would separate you this much."
Willow looks at Dawn, then looks away, and looks down at her hands. Dawn looks at Willow . She's very puzzled by her reaction. It just doesn't make sense to her. Why is Willow acting so strangely about Buffy? They had a fight, OK, I get that. But doesn't sound serious enough to break them up like this. Somebody's not tell me something. That's so typical. They still think I'm 14 years old. Geez.
"OK Willow, spill it. You're so not telling me everything. What you told me just doesn't cut it. I'm not a kid anymore. You don't have to hide things from me. Tell me, Will. What's really going on here?" Dawn grills her a little.
"Dawnie, I'm not sure I'm the one who should be telling you this. After all, you're Buffy's sister. It's probably better that Buffy explain it to you."
"Willow, c'mon. You give me a half baked story about a fight you and Buffy had, you don't give me any details, and I'm just supposed to buy that? Uh-uh. Gimme the real deal here Will." Dawn says.
Willow looks at Dawn. She really needs somebody talk to about this. Even if it's Buffy sister. And what the hell, Buffy hates her anyway, she can't hate her any more than she already does. She begins to tell Dawn the whole story about her and Buffy's relationship. Dawn's eyes go wide when she finds out that Willow and Buffy were lovers. That she hadn't expected. Though, come to think of it, it's not all that so very surprising. They've been friends for like forever, and it makes sense. But why are they apart now? I still don't get it.
"OK, Will, I admit you surprised me. I didn't quite expect that. But if you to love each other so much, which I really think you do because you been so close for so long, I still don't see why your apart now. Wanna kinda fill me in ?" Dawn asks.
Now Willow really begins to blush. On the other hand, it's kind of nice to talk to somebody about this. She gets into the more intimate details of her and Buffy's relationship, and the failures there. She explains that Buffy started therapy for it, and then finally her own feelings, and how she felt that Buffy didn't really love her in the way she wanted her to love her. Then she talks about Buffy's letter. How Buffy decided to let her go. And about the other things Buffy said in the letter. And now, Willow thinks she's really screwed up. Dawn looks at her with disbelief written all over her face.
"OK, Willow. Let me see if I got the straight" Dawn says. "You thought Buffy was rejecting you when she couldn't make love to you. You knew she was going to therapy to try to fix this problem. But you thought it was you and not Buffy. So you wrote her that letter. And left. Then Buffy writes you a letter, pouring her heart out to you, telling you she loves you, and only you, and you're the only one for her. Is that right so far?".
Willow nods, and looks down at her feet. She's feeling just a little foolish right now. Dawn is wondering how anyone as incredibly smart as Willow is in most things, can be so incredibly dumb about some things. Even though Dawn is still only 19, she's beginning to wonder who the real teenagers are here.
"Willow, you know I love you to death. I figure you're one of the smartest people I'll ever know. And you know I love Buffy. She's my sister. But right now, you two are probably the dumbest two people on the face the earth. Now I know you think I'm only kid, but even I know when you love somebody as much as you love Buffy, and she loves you, you try to work things out. You two, on the other hand, run away from each other." Dawn scolds Willow, then realizes maybe she's being a little hard on her. "Willow, if you love her as much as you say you do" Dawn says more gently. "Maybe, don't you think, you and she should try to work this out? At least talk to her. I know she won't bite your head off, Will. Knowing my dippy sister, she's probably sitting around and mooning over you too. C'mon, what you say? Don't you love her anymore?"
" Y-Yes I love her. I love her so much, it hurts, Dawnie" Willow says, her voice cracking.
"Then maybe it's time to do something about it Willow. I'm not saying you have to go to Cleveland, but maybe if you called her?" Dawn asks.
"B-b-but what if she doesn't want to talk to me, Dawn? What is she hangs up on me? I- I don't know if I can...." Willow starts to waver, when the phone rings.
Both women look at the phone, then look at each other. That's just spooky. They both giggle a little bit, and Willow goes to the phone to answer it.
"Hello?" Willow says into the receiver. Her eyes go wide when she recognizes the voice.
"Will? Um... hello? It's me, Buffy. God this is hard. Look, Will? Can we talk?" Buffy says, her voice hesitant.
Willow mouths to Dawn "it's Buffy".
"Hey Buffy. How are you?" Willow asks, her voice low.
"I-I-I'm OK, I guess." Buffy stutters. "No, that's a lie. I'm not OK."
"B-Buffy, I-I ... really miss you" Willow says her voice full of emotion. Dawn, seeing how this conversation is going, decides to give them a little privacy. She walks into another room.
"Oh God Will I've missed you so much. I'm miserable without you, " Buffy says, her voice cracking. She tries to hold back, but a small sob escapes her .
"Oh god Buffy please don't cry" Willow says, starting to cry too. "Please baby, don't cry."
For a minute or two neither of them can speak. Their pent-up emotions take over, and both are just crying too hard to vocalize. Finally, Buffy pulls herself together enough to start speaking again.
"W-Will, I-I know I have no right to ask this of you, I screwed up so badly...b-but... can we try again? Please, Will, I'd do anything to have one more chance. Honestly, baby, I never meant to make you feel like I was rejecting you. I love you Will. I hate this Will. I hate not being with you Will. It's so god damn empty. Nothing means anything without you Will. I'll do anything you ask, Will, anything you ask of me, if you'll give me one more chance. Please... please?" Buffy begs, her voice full of tears.
"Oh Buffy, I'm so sorry too. I've been so stupid. I thought you didn't love me. I thought it was me Buffy. I thought that you just didn't love ME. Even when you went to therapy, I still thought in my heart that you just didn't find me attractive. I thought... I thought you were repulsed by me. It hurt. I thought... that the idea of being with me... made you want to run. Then you sent me that letter. And I thought it was too late. Too late for us. Buffy, I've been miserable without you. I need you, baby. This time without you has been like hell. I've been living in hell Buffy. I'm so sorry Buffy. I've hurt you and I've hurt me. And I want to stop hurting now. Can we stop hurting now? Please?" Willow says, her voice low and raspy, the tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Oh god yes, Will, I want to stop hurting. I just want to be with you again. I need to be with you again. I need to see you Will. I need to look in your eyes, to hold your hand, to touch you. So tell me what you want. Do I come there? Or do you come here? I don't care which. I just need to be with you." Buffy's voice is full of yearning. "I guess I should ask, do you want to be with me?"
"Only forever Buffy" Willow says "I only want to be with you forever. Please come to me Buffy. I need you so much."
"As soon as I can wrap things up here, I'll be there. It'll be a couple days, but I'll rush it as fast as I can." Buffy promises.
"Buffy? This sounds silly but I have to know. Why did you call now? I mean after so long. What made you decide to call now?" Willow has to know. It's just too spooky, this happening when she was about to call Buffy.
"Not so much what Will, as who" Buffy says, chuckling a little bit. "A mutual friend of ours pointed out to me exactly how stupid I was being. And how lucky I'd be if you even let me talk to you. And she was right."
"She? Not Giles? Who was it?" Willow's puzzled. She can't figure out who the ' she ' is.
"You're not to believe this, but it was Faith. I think she enjoyed giving me hell. But she was right. I needed a wakeup call. If not for her, I would probably still be here sitting staring into space thinking about you, eating my heart out." Buffy says.
"I have to confess something Buffy. I was just about the call you. Someone just told me the same thing that Faith told you.* Faith *" Willow says, shaking her head. "I can't believe that Faith did that. But damn I'm glad she did."
" So who told you to call me?" Of Buffy asks, curious.
Willow thinks for a minute. Maybe it would be best not to tell Buffy that Dawn's here. There's still the little matter of Dawn wanting to leave Cambridge. She figures that to be a whole separate issue to deal with. Right now, the only thing she wants is Buffy, and she doesn't want to screw it up.
"We'll talk about that when you get here." Willow says. "Just get here"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TBC