Secrets and Lies
by Norwalker
Chapter 1
[reviews]
Secrets and lies
Author: Norwalker
Part 1 of 1
Summary: Challenge fiction. The following is required to appear in the story:
While Willow was in England, Buffy wrote letters to her, confessing her true feelings for Willow. But she never actually sent those letters. Kennedy finds the letters and reads them. The rest is up to you.
Must have:
Buffy feeling guilty for not being the one who saved Willow.
Xander telling the SiT's about the yellow crayon and how he saved Willow. Buffy snapping at him.
Buffy telling Willow she failed her.
Rating/ Category: R for possible language
Spoilers: Season 6 and 7
Time Line: Season 7
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon , Mutant Enemy and Fox own them.
Email: norwalker@earthlink.net
Feedback: Sure
1
Buffy was ready to fall asleep.
Xander was telling THE story. Again. For what must be the 400th time. It was cute enough the first 100 times or so, but now it nearly had her climbing the walls.
She, the SiT's, Andrew and Xander were for some reason in the living room. They were enjoying some 'down time' between training sessions. One of the girls( Kennedy, wouldn't you know it?) asked Xander to talk about Willow(gee, there's a surprise, huh?). Well, of course, that was the perfect opening for him to relate AGAIN how he'd saved the world, and Willow. She groaned inwardly. God, how many times am I gonna have to hear this?
"So, I ran to Kingman's Bluff. Willow had raised the Temple of Proserpexa. It didn't look good, not good at all. She was channeling the Earth's energy, ready to thrust it through the temple to the core, and in the process burning the planet to a cinder."
The SiT's gasp. This is the first time they've heard this story. It's like a thriller but involving someone they know. They look at each other, a little concerned.
"So I ran over to where she was channeling the energy, and stopped it from hitting the statue...she was more than a little pissed. She hit me with an energy bolt. Man, I think that nearly fried me right then and there. But I wasn't going anywhere. I told her that, but she ignored me, trying to channel more energy. I got up, feeling like crap, and staggered over, blocking the energy again. She was angry. I think she could've torn my head off right then. But somehow, something inside her tried to warn me off again. She told me I couldn't stop this, and I said yeah, but if this is the end of the world, where else was I gonna be? I was kinda desperate, I knew I had to reach her somehow. But she was acting like she didn't want to be reached. But I kept at it. Told her that I know she was in pain...lots of pain...but there was no where else I wanted to be, if she was going to end the world. Cause she was my best friend forever. She was Willow" Xander pauses, winding up for the 'yellow crayon' bit.
Buffy winces a little internally. In the best bud category, she would always come second. She and Willow had been close for years( well, not lately...not like she'd like to be). But Xander...he went back way back with Willow... knew things about her that Buffy would never know. It shouldn't make her jealous, she knew that. But she couldn't help it. It did.
Xander continues his story.
" She was getting ready to hit it again, when I remembered something. Something I hoped would reach her. Something that would remind her of where she came from. Maybe that would get her to stop long enough to think about what she was doing.
The scene shifts. We're back to last year. Xander and Willow are on Kingman's Bluff. The temple of Proserpexa is in the background. Xander is standing before it, blocking Willow's access to it with Magic. He's in bad shape. Willow has hit him twice with mystical energy, and it's taken its toll. But still he stands there, trying to get through to her.
,,," I remember the first day of Kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon. You were afraid to tell anyone. You've come a long way since then. Ending the world? Not the greatest idea. But the thing is? I still love you , Willow. I love yellow-crayon-breaky Willow, and I love scary-veiny Willow. So, if I'm going out, it's here. If you're going to end the world, start with me. I've earned that, Willow" Xander says, scared, but still hoping he can reach her
Willow , upset, replies " You think I won't?" She starts to mutter a spell.
"It doesn't matter, I still love you" Xander replies, not backing off.
"Shut up!" Willow says, angry
We're back to the house on Revello Drive.
The SiT's were rapt. This was so totally cool. They were on the edge of their seats( well, pillows on the living room floor, anyway) waiting for the next bit. Xander has them eating out of his hand.
Buffy, on the other hand, is rolling her eyes. Each time he told this tale, his role got bigger and bigger. It was driving her nuts. Bad enough having to listen to it til her ears were ready to fall off. But it kept getting wilder on each telling. Soon, she figured, he'd be flying in with a red cape and a great big "X" on his chest. Xanderman! Come to save the world from evil doers and mystical forces. Puh-leaasseee!!!! Save me!
Xander goes on with his tale.
"Anyway, I knew I'd gotten through, I could see it. Not saying it was over, not yet. She still was all veiny and scary, still ready to blow the world up. But ... she was less sure of herself. She hit me again, this time with some magic that cut me. First on the face...man, it felt like claws. Then again, across the chest...that really hurt" Xander said. He opens his shirt, showing the scars left. "See?"
That was enough for Buffy. " God, Xander, please! These. These are young girls. What? You gonna do a strip for them next?" Buffy said, her voice a little acidy.
The SiT's all turn to look at her. They aren't amused. There are grumblings and whispers, like to the tune of what a bitch. God, get the stick out of your butt, and other such imagery. Xander looks at Buffy, annoyed and hurt.
"God, Buff. What's your deal? Why so hostile?" Xander says, petulantly.
" Not hostile, Xander. Just tired of hearing the story again and again. Each time you embellish it more and more. After awhile, it gets old" Buffy says. God, what IS my deal. Could I be bitchier? Don't think so!
" Not for us, Buffy. This is the first time we've heard it" Kennedy pipes up, annoyed(gee, another surprise). " If you're so bored with it, why not just leave and let us enjoy it?"
The other SiT's mutter in agreement.
"Yeah, you're right" Buffy says, repentant. She's sorry now she lost her cool." Xan, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just tired. Gonna take a nap". Buffy says, heading for the stairs. She hears the entire group chorus " PLEASE!!!" She starts upstairs.
Rona leans over to one of the other SiT's " God, I hope she manages to get that stake she's got rammed up her ass out too, while she's at it!".
The other girl giggles a little. They turn back to Xander and find him glaring right at them.
" What the hell is your problem?" he asks, angry.
"Hey! She was the bitch. I just commented on it" Rona says, defensive
"Yeah, Xander. She just like dressed you down in front of us. Why're you sticking up for her?" Kennedy says, irritated.
" Listen all of you. Buffy's got it damned rough right now. She's got all of you to keep safe, try to find some way to defeat the first, and deal with a houseful of rather ungrateful houseguests. She's had to do more to save this world than anybody in this room will ever hope to match. Including dying, twice! So, if she gets a little irritated about me repeating this story, it's no big. I'd follow her anywhere. She's that good. You'd do well to remember that. She cares about the bunch of you. Be nice if you could afford her a little respect" Xander says, clearly upset at the SiT's words.
Buffy, hearing Xander's words from upstairs on the landing, feels about 1" tall. She looks down and thinks " No, Xan. You're that good. I think I kinda love you, guy" She smiles at him, turns , and walks to her room, feeling like crap for what she said.
The SiT's are still around Xander, pestering him to finish the story. He's kind of lost heart to tell it, because of the remarks they made about Buffy. But they won't let him go. Finally, he decides he'll give them the abridged version.
" Ok, ok , ok. There really isn't much more to the story. After that, her power grew weaker. I could feel that I'd somehow gotten through to her. She kept throwing those spells at me, but they weren't working anymore... she was losing her power. Seems her human side, the side that we all know and love, was fighting to get out. I kept approaching her, repeating over and over " I love you Will. No matter what. I love you." She started crying, pounding me on my chest. I knew then I won. I held her, and she turned back to Willow....no more black hair, no more black eyes. She collapsed in my arms, crying. And that's how it went down.
2
She sits on her bed, wondering why she took out her frustrations on Xander. She's really feeling down on herself, right now. Everything is just going wrong. The girls are all out of sorts because of the living arrangements. Then, the First had penetrated their circle more than a once, scaring them silly. Willow had been hurt trying to use her mojo on the first, and was afraid to try again. And she just didn't know what the hell she was doing. It was scary. She'd never faced something like this. She was scared to death, and couldn't tell anyone. She was afraid she was gonna lose this time, big time. She wasn't going to be able to save them, she was going to fail them. Just like she'd failed Willow last year.
That's why Xander's story bothered her. Not because she'd heard it a million times. That really didn't matter that much. Anyway, it was true. If not for him...well, the First wouldn't be much of a problem, cuz there'd be no world to save. He'd done it. He'd reached Willow like no one had been able to. He'd reminded her of her humanity, and the dark evil in her retreated. He'd been a real hero. He didn't have superpowers, like she had, or Willow had. He'd shown incredible bravery, he could easily have died. But that didn't stop him. And Buffy was grateful in too many ways to count.
But that doesn't mean she didn't have regrets. She had a lot of them. She regretted walking around in a daze for a year, not seeing what was happening around her. That she was alienating Dawn. That she was using Spike. That Willow was out of control with the magic. That the 'Trio', pathetic as they were, was a genuine threat. Especially Warren, who was just plain evil. It took nearly dying again, at the hands of her best friend, to realize that she wanted to live. That the happiness she would have here, on earth, depended on her own willingness to give back. To be part of it, instead of observing from the sidelines.
But what she regretted most, what haunted her to this day, was that she failed Willow. Her best friend. The one that meant so much to her. She failed her by not seeing what the magic was doing to her. She didn't reach out enough to help her, especially when she went out of control and nearly killed herself and Dawn. She didn't see it as a cry for help... though it was. She should've kicked Amy Madison's ass from here to hell and back, for what she led Will into. She should've found a way to bridge the differences between Tara and Willow, bring them back together. They were so right together. Just as they were getting back together, just as they were going to make another go of it, Warren destroyed that dream.
But, could she really blame Warren? I mean, he was a misogynist bastard, true. It was his bullet that went through the window, and blew out Tara's heart, right in front of Willow... also true. But, wasn't it my own failure that really killed Tara? That's what she wondered.
' Why didn't I catch the bastard when I had the chance? Shut his ass down, and ship him to prison, where he deserved to be? Cause I was way too busy worried about Buffy. That's why. I was so involved in my own self-pity party, that I lost any chance I had to stop him before he ... destroyed Willow's life, and destroyed Tara.' She berates herself.' Why wasn't I faster that day?' She continues, not sparing the lash.' I shoulda been faster. Just two seconds. I could've stopped him, the bullet never would've gotten out of the gun. Or... I could have caught the bullet instead of Tara. I would've been dead. Ok...I can accept that. But Tara would be alive right now. And Willow would be happy. I hesitated, I was too slow, and I ... ruined her life. How do I live with that? How do I go on each day, knowing that I could've done better, I could've saved them... and didn't? I don't know, I just don't know anymore'.
It sounds like, to the casual observer, that Buffy is obsessing and being self involved. But that's not the case, here. What happened, and the ensuing tragedy, goes to Buffy's core beliefs. The one thing she'd always been proud of was that she could protect those she loved. That afternoon in the backyard, when Warren burst in with a gun, and ran rampant, shooting Buffy and killing Tara, triggering Willow's descent into hell, shattered that illusion. She didn't save them this time. She was too slow, hesitated a fraction of a second too long...and everything went to hell because of it. It was her fault, that's how she felt deep inside. Her fault. No excuses, she didn't do what she promised herself she would always do, no matter what. The failure permeated her being like a foul smell.
That's why she was so driven now. Now she had a houseful of girls to protect. Against something she had no clue how to defeat. It scared her so badly, at times she wanted to run as fast and as far away as she could. But she couldn't show fear. If she did, the girls would lose all hope... and that's exactly what the First wanted. Make them hopeless...they become easy victims. They'll run, split up, and be picked off, one by one. So, she covers her fear with a cold, steel shell. The girls think she's a tight assed, controlling bitch. Maybe she is, but she doesn't care. IF they hate her forever after, they have the chance to LIVE to hate her. That's what counts. That they live. No one's dying on her watch... not again.
3
You would think that alone would be enough to crush Buffy's soul. Enough of a burden to carry.
But that wasn't all of it. Not by far. Buffy carried a secret with her. One she could never tell anyone. A secret that if it got back to her would make Willow hate Buffy with her entire soul. The secret burned within Buffy. Like all secrets kept, it tended to fester on the soul. She had to pretend something she didn't want to pretend. Act against how she actually felt. She felt she was living a lie; but the alternative was worse, much worse.
She knew someday she'd have to come clean. Someday she'd have to reveal the secret she so closely guarded. She couldn't live this lie forever; not without twisting her soul. So it had to come out someday. But she didn't want to think about that day. It's too painful to contemplate. She knew that when she told Willow, things would change. They're relationship would never be the same. It would be gone, replaced by something else. Buffy feared it'd be something worse. Life without Will in it would be... it wouldn't be life. That was the scariest thought of all.
How could she ever tell her? It was bad enough that when Willow needed her the most, Buffy failed her. She'd been to slow, to indecisive to save Tara. Tara took the bullet meant for Buffy. Buffy knew in her heart she, Buffy, was meant to die that day. Should've died that day. And then, when Willow lost control, when she went scary and veiny, Buffy failed her again. She only thought of how to knock her down, defeat her. She didn't think of how she could reach her. Let her know that Buffy cared about her, loved her, and would stick by her through anything. It'd taken Xander to see what was really needed. Xander always had a knack for that, seeing past the b.s. straight into the heart of things.
So, with her colossal failure, how could Buffy tell Willow the truth? How could she, without Willow thinking that she'd failed her deliberately(had she? Had the truth affected her ability to act?). She knew that Willow would hate her when she knew the truth. Willow would think(know?) Buffy let Tara die. Because she had reason to let her die. Because the truth was that Buffy loved Willow.
Buffy was IN LOVE with Willow. She'd lied to herself for many years that it wasn't so. But she couldn't lie anymore. Not to herself. Not after this last summer.
4
Summer in Sunnydale could be brutal.
Thought it was located near the coast, it was situated just far enough off to have the inversion layer settle heavily over it during the warmest months. This kept the offshore breeze from coming in, and the temperatures often were in the 90's. Even overnight, the area didn't cool off much. This is one of the reasons the area had been known as Boca del Infierno before it'd been renamed Sunnydale in the last year of the 19th century.
Despite the heat Buffy had enjoyed summer. She was a summer girl, loving the sun, and getting tan, and going to the beach. It wasn't unusual for her to organize beach expeditions with her friends, and she even loved the summer evenings with the long twilights, walking around the downtown area in the half light of the departing sun. It had a particular golden quality that pleased her.
This summer was different however. Not that the weather was changed, but things were changed.
To say the time after Xander saved Willow, and the world, were chaotic would be understating it. First there was the murder of Warren Mears. How do you explain someone being flayed alive? Suspicion fell upon his former 'colleagues' Andrew Wells and Jonathan Levinson. The scoobies didn't bother to disabuse the Sunnydale police.
The destruction of The Magic Box raised some eyebrows around town. A few of the citizens, aware of the weird going-ons in Sunnydale, even if they didn't talk about them, said it was a kind of poetic justice. Others just couldn't figure it out. It looked like some huge creature had destroyed it from the inside. Anya of course, as owner, had been somewhat devastated by the event, and it led to a rift between her and Willow( who were never bosom buddies to begin with) which still is in force today. It was particularly hard on Xander... Willow was his best friend, and Anya, while they'd been broken up, there were still some feelings there(not always pleasant ones). It put poor Xander in the middle.
Buffy made good on her promise with Dawn. They spent a lot of time together over the summer, getting to really know each other. As she said, she no longer wanted to 'protect' Dawn from the world, She wanted to show how beautiful the world could be to Dawn. They traveled some, but mostly just hung out together, getting to understand each other better. They were closer than they'd ever been before.
Giles returned to England. He'd come to help with Willow, and now had to return home. It was a bittersweet farewell... Buffy always had a special place for her former watcher in her heart. He'd been more than a mentor for her. He'd been like a father, someone she could turn to when times were bad, and she loved him dearly. Watching him go again was achy. But he had to go. He took charge of Willow, who needed lots of help coping with what happened to her.
Willow was broken. She no longer seemed to be part of life around Sunnydale. She would respond when you spoke to her, but she was vague, kind of in a dream world. Mostly she just sat around, staring out into space. The bright, energetic, always optimistic woman loved by the scoobies was no longer here. In her place was a quiet, moody woman who wanted little contact with the outside world.
The grief and agony of losing the woman she loved so much, whom she'd planned on growing old with, had driven her to a dark place in her soul she'd never realized existed. The guilt, shame and horror of what she'd become, how she'd murdered Warren and in the end turned on her friends, nearly destroying them, and the weight of how close she came to destroying the world, caused something essential in her snap. She was little more than an echo of who she'd been. Even with time, she'd never entirely be that friendly, kind and innocent young woman she'd once been. She'd lost her innocence, and had tasted the power of the dark side. To save her mind and soul, she temporarily retreated from life.
Buffy ached for her friend. She wanted nothing more than to hold her, comfort her and let her know she was loved and wanted. It broke her heart to see Willow this way. The bright, eager, friendly young woman she'd been a friend with for like...forever, was in so much pain. Buffy hated to see her like this. She remembered how bad it was when Oz had broken up with Willow. It'd been like Willow couldn't breathe. But this was infinitely worse. It was like she no longer wanted to breathe. She wanted to help Willow discover what she'd learned over the last year. That life, as painful and harsh as it could be, was better than the alternative. Giles, however, limited her contact with Will. Rightly or wrongly, he felt that Willow was in an extremely delicate mental and emotional state, and what she needed at the moment was space... lots of space. Time away from the memories and hurts she'd experienced here in Sunnydale.
So he arranged for Willow to accompany him back to England. He made contact with the Coven, a powerful Wiccan group in England that he'd had ties with. He arranged for her to stay with them, to learn how to cope and control the powers she unleashed in herself when she went dark. She was to be gone for the entire summer. Possibly longer if she needed it.
In her head, Buffy realized this was the best thing for Willow. She knew that Will was in a bad place. That she carried enormous pain and guilt with her. Learning about her magic, how it was connected to the whole of the earth, might in some ways help her deal with her personal issues. She might be able to learn to live with the loss of Tara, and with the guilt of killing another human being. She knew that Willow was strong, that given time and the tools, she would recover to some degree that former love of life she'd had. This was the best thing for her, Buffy knew. She was grateful to Giles to helping her best friend.
But while her head understood this, her heart was more selfish. For nearly seven years the two women had been best friends. There had been an instant simpatico between them. They couldn't remember a time when they didn't care for each other deeply. Like all good friends, they'd shared everything about their lives: Boys, love, dreams, and desires. When Willow realized she was gay, Buffy was the first to know. Willow, even in her own pain over her breakup with Oz, helped bring Buffy and Riley together. Willow was there when Buffy confessed to Giles that Angel had been cured, had regained his soul before she had to run the sword through him to stop Acathla, and effectively send him to hell. When Willow realized that there would never be anything between her and Xander, who she'd had a crush on for so long, Buffy was there to help her through it. When Oz left, Buffy comforted her friend best she could. When Riley left Buffy, Willow helped her through the pain. They had their down times; times when they were angry at each other, usually over misunderstandings. The last year a strain and distance had developed between them. But in the overall arc of their friendship, they were as close as two people could be. What was especially telling about their relationship was how comfortable they were with each other. They were happy hanging out, doing 'girly' things. They didn't have to talk, they were comfortable sitting together in silence. They grew to be more than friends, in all but in blood, they were sisters. It was one of those rare relationships everybody seeks, and so few find.
Buffy missed her friend terribly. She was going through changes in her own life. She was still learning to cope with life after death. The epiphany she had when the world wasn't destroyed opened new joy in living, but she still dealt day by day with the harshness and glaring inconsistencies of living. She remembered in her blood the perfect peace she'd enjoyed in heaven. She probably would for all her life. Dealing with Dawn had its ups and downs. They were bonding, becoming closer, but there were still differences in temperament, and the usual jealousies and angst siblings had. She also had to deal with her future, such as it may be. She had a destiny. That she couldn't escape. But she couldn't work at the Doublemeat palace forever. She needed to find what she was good at, something she liked doing, and make a career out of it. She had Dawn to take care of, and while Dawnie was proving to be quite the gifted student, and probably earn a scholarship, there were still expenses associated with college to take care of.
Beyond that however, was the feeling Buffy had. That part of her, the best part of her, was missing. She was learning the hard way how much she needed Willow around. How Will was a more than a friend to her. She was a support, someone to cheerlead her, but even more, someone to partner her when she needed it. She missed the little impromptu chats they would have, the times when they would take walks, just enjoying being together. She missed movie nights, and going to the Bronze, seeing Willow there with Tara, and just having girl talk. Buffy often found herself in the room Willow and Tara shared, trying to recapture in her mind the sounds and scents of Will. She'd touch things because she knew Willow had touched them, and it was like she could touch Willow. Her wanderings often found her back at UC Sunnydale. Not so much that she had any business there, but because Willow had loved the campus. She even found herself volunteering to help Anya clean up the debris in the Magic Box. Simply because Willow had loved to spend time there. Even when she wasn't particularly in the mood for "massive sugary goodness" she would hang out at the Espresso Pump. She and Willow had reserved seats there, they spent so much time in the place. Together. Always together.
It came to her slowly. The long suppressed feelings she had for Will were coming to the surface. They had been so buried in her, she hadn't even realized they existed. Her relationship with Willow had been so close, so special over the years, she'd never consciously questioned if there might be more than mere friendship involved. It took being separated from Will, knowing that she couldn't see her at all, never mind whenever she wanted to, to make her realize that she needed Will. And not just as a friend. Her feelings blossomed under that summer sun. She found her body aching with need for Willow, like she was withdrawing from an addiction. A lot of mornings she woke up with a damp pillow, where she'd cried herself to sleep missing the red haired Wiccan. She longed to hear her voice, melodious and soft, brush against her ears in the way that quickened her heart. To feel the cool soft touch of her skin under her fingertips. To look into her soft green eyes, which spoke to her in so many ways. To smell the subtle scent of cinnamon and spice that was Willow.
She fought these feelings. It was crazy and insane. She, Buffy, wasn't gay. She liked boys, and all of their parts. But something deep inside her craved Willow more than she'd craved anyone. She began to dream of her, being with her. Then the dreams progressed to kissing and caressing, and to making love. It scared her, and thrilled her. She woke after some of the dreams wet, and needing to take care of herself. She didn't understand it. It was so different than anything she'd previously experienced. Loving...another woman wasn't in her lexicon. But here it was, and much as she wanted to deny it, she couldn't anymore. She loved Willow, She was in love with Willow. And she had nobody she could tell. It was her little secret, and had to remain that way. Until she could at least tell her best friend. The one she wanted to become her lover. Can you say... Arrggh!!!
Buffy desperately needed to talk to Willow. But there was no way to reach her. The Coven was located in a remote corner of southern England. They had no phone, and little contact with the outside world. It was nearly monastic in their approach. So calling her was out of the question. The only thing she could think of was to write letters to Will. Do it in such a way as to build up to her current feelings.
So, that's what she did. She began to write to Willow. At first, her letters were just general gossip about what was happening in Sunnydale, and asking after Willow, how she was doing, getting along, etc. After each , she would stamp it, and carry it to the post box to mail. But something stayed her hand. She couldn't quite mail the letter. She would bring it home, and put it away, meaning to mail it at a later time. This went on for awhile, each letter becoming more personal, becoming more intimate. Finally, in the last letter she wrote, she confessed her growing feelings to Willow, explaining how she'd discovered after all this time that she was in love with Willow. Like all the other letters, she never mailed it off. Something inside her kept telling her it wasn't time, now wasn't the time to do this. So like all the other letters she'd written ,she put it in the drawer to be mailed another day. A day that never came.
Towards the end of summer, it came to her why she didn't mail the letters. Why she could never mail the letters. It was wrong. Wrong what she was feeling. She never should have these feelings for Willow. She'd failed her. Failed to save Tara, failed to bring Willow back from the brink of destruction. Even worse, it would look like she taking advantage of Tara's death, moving in on Willow in her grief. It might even be thought(oh God) that she deliberately let Tara die, so she, Buffy , could have a chance with Willow. All of this hit her at once, like a hammer hitting an anvil. She realized she could never tell Willow how she felt. It was wrong, simply wrong what she felt. She had to keep it a secret, one of the very few secrets she could never share with her best friend. And when that hammer hit the anvil, her dreams, and her heart were crushed.
Dawn was concerned for her sister. Over the summer, the Summers' girls had become closer than they'd ever been. They'd spent a lot of time together, finding out about each other. Had lots of laughs, and lots of fights. But it'd been all good, all great for Dawn. Because through it all , Buffy was right there. She was living, and the life vibrated off her. She was in the now, enjoying the moment. It was the best time Dawn could ever remember having with Buffy, and she began to love her sister even more. But towards the end of summer, a change came over Buffy. Nothing radical, to the casual observer, it would be unnoticeable. But Dawn saw it in Buffy's eyes. She began to withdraw again. Not like before, where she cut off everyone. But she definitely had a shell about her, a place apart inside her. It puzzled Dawn, because they seemed to be getting on better than ever. But something inside Buffy, some joy, some spirit, was lost. A small wistfulness replaced the joy, like something precious had been lost, never to be regained. At first, Dawn hoped it was temporary. Maybe Buffy was reminiscing over mom, wishing she could be here to share in their new found closeness. But as the days went on, and the melancholy in Buffy grew, Dawn knew it was not going away. She only hoped that Buffy wouldn't withdraw like she had before; It would break Dawn's heart to lose this closeness they shared to the darkness that had claimed Buffy last year.
So the days passed. Summer waned, and Fall began. Finally, in October, Willow returned. When Buffy first saw her, her heart leaped in her chest. As calm as she tried to be, Willow made her flustered and unsure of herself. For the first time in all the time she knew her, Buffy was uncomfortable and nervous around Willow. She did her best to suppress those feelings, trying to make Willow comfortable and happy to be home. But Willow picked up on the vibe(heck, she's a powerful witch, remember) but misunderstood them. She thought Buffy was still nervous and upset about her being dark and veiny and evil. She believed that Buffy's feelings had changed towards her. They had indeed changed, but not in the way she thought. Willow, a little hurt, withdrew from Buffy. Her guilt and pain put a barrier between them. Buffy, thinking Willow was still grieving(true) and needed space( not so true), allowed the distance between them to grow. She figured, in time, they'd regain their closeness. For now, she had to accept what was, not what she wanted things to be.
In the intervening months, the First arose as a threat. Giles, leading the first group of SiT's to the house on Revello Drive, returned from England. Spike also had returned, with a soul, and a tortured mind. Things became busy, and there was no time for the slayer and witch to repair the damage to their relationship.
Kennedy, one of the SiT's, began to take a serious interest in Willow. Like Buffy, she knew what she wanted. Unlike Buffy, she wasn't shy about pursuing it. There was that weird spell Amy threw on Willow, which made her change into Warren Mears. It was triggered by the guilt Willow felt about kissing Kennedy, and wanting more. But that was overcome, and they soon became an acknowledged, if unofficial, couple.
Buffy bit back her words, watching this. She kicked herself for never taking the risk, expressing how she felt about Willow. She realized that she lost any chance she might have had to tell Willow how she felt. It would be worse now than before, because now it would seem that she was trying to get back at Kennedy. Buffy and Kennedy were like oil and water, they just never mixed. It could be that in some ways they were so alike, it was scary. They were both, at heart, bold, out front and risk takers. They weren't planners or strategic thinkers, though in her years, Buffy had learned to do both. They were loyal to their friends, and scornful of those who didn't measure up to their standards. Buffy, however, over the years, had polished her rough edges, learning to do things that she didn't necessarily like to do. These days her warrior heart would be tempered by her brain, which would urge more caution. Kennedy, on the other hand was still green. She did what she did without thought to consequences. There are two kind of leaders: Strategic leaders( think, Giles) and Warrior leaders( think, young Buffy). Buffy and Kennedy were both of the latter type. That's probably why they got on each other's nerves so much.
For Will's sake, Buffy did her best to get along with Kennedy. She knew she didn't have a shot with Willow, so she settled for the next best thing; supporting Willow in her happiness. She became the best friend again, trying to be there when Willow needed her, but not putting any demands on her time, or her affections. It killed her, because despite her efforts(or maybe, because of them, Kennedy mistaking kindness for weakness), Kennedy became more and more rebellious of Buffy's leadership, more of a burr under Buffy's butt. Whatever the reason, Buffy had to resist the temptation more than once to take Kennedy out back and teach her a lesson. Or 12. But she did her best, and lived with the fact that this was the girl that Willow wanted. Groan.
Kennedy for her part thought she was doing what was right for the SiT's. She thought Buffy was too full of herself, too damned content with her past successes, and now was doing the dog paddle while drowning. Her decisions seemed at times arbitrary and contradictory. It pissed her off when , asking Buffy a reason for a particular decision, she'd snap at her "Because I say so!". So the hell what if she was the slayer. Kennedy knew that if she were chosen, she'd be twice the slayer Buffy ever was. And certainly a damned sight better leader. It was only because Willow believed in Buffy that Kennedy even bothered to listen to the blonde one. If she, Kennedy, gave her, Buffy, grief, so what? If you can't handle the heat, move to Alaska. This was hers, and the other SiT's lives at stake. She had every right to question what she thought were specious orders.' Start being a real leader' Kennedy thought to herself,' and I'll start following you'.