Secrets and Lies
by Norwalker
Chapter 2
[reviews]
5
When Buffy interrupted the Xander's story with rude comments, Kennedy had enough. She was tired of the Slayer's stick up the butt attitude, and she was going to let her have it. After all, the girls had little enough downtime, what with Buffy's rigorous training schedule and all. All of the SiT's had been enjoying the story. But could Buffy just sit back and relax? No, she had to make a big deal out of it. So, Kennedy was going to let her know in no uncertain terms that she was rude, and should come down and apologize to everyone. God, Buffy made her mad!
She followed Buffy upstairs. She figured that unlike Buffy, she'd give Buffy the respect to dress her down in private. She was about to barge in the door, but stopped. Buffy was on her bed, reading something. The expression on her face was sad and regretful. Kennedy froze. What was she reading? Did it have to do with us? She looked worried...and a little scared(in Kennedy's perception...Kennedy, like Buffy, doesn't always get it right). Great, just great. So typical She knows something, something that probably is important, and isn't sharing it with us. We got our lives on the line here, too. We should be aware of everything. And she's looking scared, so it can't be good. Well, screw her. No more little secrets. I'm gonna find out what she's reading, and pass it along. I'm tired of being out of the loop...all of us SiT's being out of the loop. We deserve to be kept informed.
Kennedy changed her mind, fading back so she could keep an eye on Buffy's room. She'd wait til the slayer left, then go in and find those papers and read them. She stood by the bathroom door, so if anyone asked, she could say " Just waiting for the bathroom". Finally, after nearly an hour, Buffy left her room. Kennedy, not knowing how long she'd have, scurried into the slayer's room.
Looking around quickly, she couldn't see where the slayer had put those pages. She finally decided to look in her nightstand, figuring she keep them close at hand for perusal. Looking over her shoulder in case Buffy returned, she moved to the bed, and opened the nightstand drawer. On top were a series of envelopes, with hastily placed pages inside. These must be it. Not wanting to get busted, she took all of the envelopes, stuffed them under her blouse, and made for her and Willow's room. She knew Willow as out at the time, so she'd have some privacy.
She settled down on the bed, and pulled out the envelopes. She noted they were addressed to Willow, in England. Odd, she thought...but shrugged it off. She pulled out the first letter, and began to read it. After getting about half way through, she felt a flush hitting her cheeks, and she felt totally foolish. They were just letters. Obviously Buffy had written them last summer, when Willow was in England. There was nothing here about the threat they were facing. I should put these back.
But, curiosity overcame her natural reluctance to read other people's private letters. " Hey, they were addressed to Willow, after all. She meant to send them but forgot. Will's with me now. We share everything. So, I've got a right to read them". Talk about your twisted logic. Anyway, she continued reading the letter, put it back in it's envelope, and started on the next one. After the third or fourth letter, she noted the change in tone. Her eyebrow arched a bit. Something was going on here. Then she got to the final letter. She started reading it, and her eyes grew wider and wider, and her jaw dropped lower and lower. She stopped reading, and sat stunned for awhile.
" Oh—my—God!!!" Kennedy exclaims." She in love with Willow. She's got it BAD." Kennedy picks up the letter, and reads it over again. She shakes her head in disbelief. Now, you would think that one who has fallen under the spell of the Wily Willow charms( The B's words, not mine) would have a natural empathy for someone else that was so enchanted. But, remember, this is Kennedy. " Loser! God, she had what? Seven years or so to make her feelings known? Even if she only realized it over the summer, it still gave her nearly 7 months before I showed up. So, what? She's going to wait for some signal from up above? C'mon folks, you snooze, you lose! Willow obviously chose the better woman" Kennedy chuckles to herself. Slowly a small grin plays over Kennedy's face." Well, can't give Buffy grief for hiding important stuff from the SiT's. But, it doesn't mean I can't give her some grief" She thinks to herself." I think it's time somebody brought the all-powerful slayer down a couple of pegs. Show everybody she's got feet of clay, just like the rest of us. A little humiliation is good for the soul." Kennedy snickers." And who am I to deny Buffy a good soul, huh?" Kennedy, forgetting about the letters, gets up off the bed. She wanders out of the room. Time to find Buffy, and have a nice little chat.
6
Kennedy catches up to Buffy down in the kitchen
Buffy had just grabbed a soda, and was going to go outside to watch the sunset. It always gave her a sense of peace to watch the sun go down. She loved the colors and the cooling of the evening breeze. Go figure. It just meant night approaching, and all the baddies coming out to play. But she still got some inner serenity from the light show. Right now, she could use some. Her stomach was in knots. The First was playing hardball, the SiT's were being troublesome, and she didn't have a clue how to handle either problem. And Xander's little story theatre just brought up all the feelings of failure she'd had over Willow. That sure helped things. Never mind the fact that her own emotions over Will were all over the map. She sighed. God, when does it get easier?
"Hey, Buffy" Kennedy calls out to her
Buffy groans internally. Obviously, not now. God, why do you hate me so, anyway? Buffy pretends like she didn't hear her, and starts for the back door.
"Buffy! Hey, Buffy! Wait up, 'k?" Kennedy calls after her. Buffy halts. She sighs. She so doesn't want to do this now.
"Yeah, Kenny? What do you want?" Buffy asks, her voice weary
" Hi, Buffy" Kennedy smiles at her." Can we talk?"
"Sure" Buffy shrugs. Why not? How much worse can it get? ( she had to ask, didn't she?) Wonder what she's gonna bitch about now? " Look, I'm goin outside to watch the sunset. Wanna come with?" Buffy asks
"Sure" Kennedy replies brightly. "Sounds great"
Buffy's slayer antennae begin to hum. Ok, she's being way too agreeable. What's up?
Kennedy goes over, grabs a soda out of the fridge, and follows Buffy out onto the back porch. She sees Buffy sitting on the step, and sits down by her.
They sit on the back steps, sipping their drinks, watching the sun make it's daily descent. Neither one speaks for awhile, both just enjoying the night. Kennedy watches Buffy, and notes how...sad she looks. For a brief moment, a spark of sympathy for the slayer enters her breast. ' She's got it rough' Kennedy thinks. Too bad it didn't turn into a flame. Cause in the next moment she extinguishes it with " but that doesn't mean she's gotta be all hard assed with us".
"Look, Buffy" Kennedy begins, sounding sympathetic." I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry if I give you a hard time, sometimes. I just get upset not knowing what's going on, and I'm concerned for the girls. I know you got it rough, so...sorry" Kennedy finishes.
Buffy nearly chokes on her soda. An apology, from Kennedy? What's the catch? She looks over at the SiT, but she doesn't see any mockery in her face. She looks like she really means it, Buffy thinks to herself. Hey, if she can be reach out, I can reach out too.
" Hey, look, Kenny. I'm sorry if I give you guys a hard time. I'm just concerned about you. The First is a really powerful baddie. I'll admit, I'm worried. This isn't going to be easy on any of us. I'm just trying to be sure you guys are safe and ready when you need to be" Buffy says, her tone a bit contrite.
"I know, Buff. You're doing your best" Kennedy says, patting Buffy's shoulder. Buffy nearly jumps out of her skin. This is giving her a major case of the wiggins. Kennedy? Sympathetic and understanding? What next? The First invites us to it's coming out party...no, wait, we already got THAT invite!
"Hey, Buffy" Kennedy continues." Can I ask you something?"
"Sure" Buffy says. Oh boy, here it comes.
" Umm....look. You know Willow better than just about anyone here. Except maybe Xander" Kennedy says, putting in that tiny barb deliberately." But I'd kinda feel funny talking to him about this. This is more a girl to girl thing, ok?"
"Ok" Buffy says, a little wary." Shoot"
"Well, I just want to know" Kennedy says." What does Willow like?"
"Like?" Buffy asks, puzzled. What she getting at? Shouldn't she be asking Willow? "What do you mean?"
" Oh, you know Buffy" Kennedy grins, maybe a little mocking to it. " What makes her happy?"
Willow enters through the front door. She's had a long day, and it shows.
She looks more than a little frazzled, because she's been running around all day. First, classes, which considering all that's going on, seem a little pointless. Now, that's weird when you remember this is Willow, who loves school. Then she had to run around doing errands, trying to get things straightened out with various utilities. With all the attacks, no one remembered to pay the bills last month. Ever have a dozen girls in a house and no electricity, no water... ok, you get it. Not good, not at all good. She had to do some serious begging, but she managed to keep the utilities on. She sighs. Something else I gotta put on my to do list so we don't have to go through THAT again. After that, it was back to the campus to do research in their library...more history of Sunnydale, see if there are any similarities to current attacks. Then over to Giles to see what he's learned. Then shopping for the food...'I need a truck to feed this crew.' Now home. She enlisted the Sit around SiT's to grab the groceries out of the car, and to put them away(note to self. Check later. Some of the stuff may never make it to the cupboard).' Right now, this tired footsore witch needs to lay down. Nap sounds real nice. Even if Kennedy is laying naked on the bed, I don't care. I'm taking a nap! She looks around. Where IS Kenny, anyway? She should be home. Could use some cuddles while sleeping. Maybe she's already upstairs. Doesn't matter, I guess. Maybe she went with a few of the girls to the Bronze...if she could sneak past Buffy, that is. Buffy is being a bit tight on them. Ok, Will...off Buffy's back. She's doing what she can to keep them safe, ok? Yeah, well, you listen to Kenny's bitches every night about Buffy. See if you don't get testy, huh? Damn, I wish those two would just make nice. Dream on, Will, dream on!'
Willow wearily makes it to her room...and notices the bed is covered by what looks like paper.
'Ok, what's she been doing up here now? I swear that girl is a slob. What is all this, anyway?' She picks up an envelope, and notices it's addressed to her. 'Hey, who said she could go around reading my mail?' Willow says, a bit ticked off. Then she notices the envelopes are addressed to her in England.' What the heck? I never got any letters in England!' She looks more carefully at the envelopes, and notices the return address " 1630 Revello Drive. Here? Who ...wait... these must never have been sent.. but who wrote me from here? Dawn? Buffy?... Oh, well...they ARE addressed to me. Might as well check them out. See what they're about.' She picks up a letter, which happens to be the first letter Buffy wrote. ' Ok, pretty nice. Nothing special though...obviously from Buffy. Grammar, girl, grammar' Willow giggles. She loves giving Buffy a hard time on some of her more colorful interpretations of English.' Wonder why she never sent me these?' Willow asks herself. She's a bit puzzled, She knows she would've loved to hear from somebody back in Sunnydale while she was in England. She shrugs.' Guess she forgot.' Willow sighs. She picks up another one. This is the last letter Buffy wrote to her. She starts reading it...and her eyes go wide as saucers. She keeps reading , and her face blushes pink...then red. Her mouth hangs open just a little. Shock doesn't quite cover what she's feeling right now. She's not exactly sure what she's feeling right now. She does know her heart is beating faster, and it's all of a sudden stuffy in this room...she's having a hell of a time breathing. She puts down the letter, closes her eyes, shakes her head, and reads it again. ' Nope, hasn't changed' She thinks. She just doesn't know what the hell to do.
Reading Buffy's confessions of love to her is...well, frankly, something she never expected. She never even suspected Buffy might feel this way about her. Not that Buffy ever treated her badly, or anything. Or that Buffy had been cold or anything towards her( well, she was kinda distant last year, but that had to do with her being dragged out of heaven. Can you say...goddess I feel guilty as hell?). But Willow never thought that Buffy might harbor any feelings for her beyond friendship. Willow had never felt any vibe off of her. Not in that direction, anyway. Certainly not since she was back...'though, she was awfully glad to see me when I got back. But hey, I was glad to see her too! But, thinking back, the hug she gave me at the airport was a bit extra long. And extra warm. But I just thought it came from missing me. Well, I guess she did, reading this! But, why didn't she tell me? Or at least, hint a little at it? Goddess, this is totally confusing!'
Her musings are interrupted by shouting from the back yard. ' Oh god, who's getting in it now?' She wondered. Tempers get so short in this place, since we've gotten a dozen extra bodies living here. She goes to the window, and looks out.
The sun is low in the sky, and there are long shadows in the yard, but Willow recognizes immediately who's down there. Buffy... and Kenny. And they look like their ready to start fighting!
" How dare you!" Buffy is yelling at Kennedy." What gives you the right to go rifling through my stuff? Those letters are personal and private!" Willow looks at the bed, and puts 2 and 2 together...oh, boy.
" You're real big on secrets, Buffy" Kennedy yells back. " You don't let us in on anything. Newsflash, slayer: These are our lives, too! We have a right to know about what's coming at us! I just was trying to find out about The First, maybe prepare the others for what's coming. I came across those letters accidentally".
" And you just had to read them, right? You just had to stick your nose in my private affairs! Didn't you?" Buffy growls, her anger rising." The only time I keep stuff back from you guys is when it's something that'll only make you panic. Listen, Kenny, I've got 12 girls, plus Dawn, Willow, and Xander to watch out for. The last thing we need around here is PANIC. Look what happened when Annabelle panicked. She died, because she left here in a panic, and the Turok-Han got her. What do you think'll happen if all 12 of the girls panic? We might as well just give up now. I only do what I do to protect you guys."
"Well, you're doing a pretty lousy job of it. We've lost 3 other girls since then" Kennedy taunts her." You're record aint so good, is it slayer?"
"You think you could do better?" Buffy asks, her voice quiet. Dangerously quiet.
" Think? I know I could!" Kennedy sneers." My dead Grandma could do a better job than you!"
"Fine. You've been itching for a shot at me. Well, here it is , Kenny. Go ahead. Take your best shot. I won't even hit you back. I'll give you a freebie." Buffy says, her voice taunting the younger girl. Kennedy hesitates. Buffy smiles. "What's wrong, Kenny? Lose your nerve?"
"Screw you, Slayer. It's not a fair fight." Kennedy says, starting to walk away." You'd beat me senseless"
" I'll make it fair, Kenny. I won't even punch you. I'll just defend myself. How's that?" Buffy says, mocking her." Think you can take me if I don't fight you back?"
" Damn you, Buffy!" Kennedy screams at Buffy, losing her temper She rushed Buffy from the side, sending out a roundhouse kick. Buffy turns, blocks the kick and lifts, sending Kennedy to the ground on her butt. She smiles
"Again, Kenny?" Buffy ask." Or have you had enough?"
A voice from above stops them both, cold.
"I've had enough!" Willow yells down, her anger peaking." Both of you, on the porch. NOW!"
Kennedy and Buffy look up at the very angry Willow looking out of the window. They both get that " oh-oh busted!" look on their faces. Buffy reaches out to help Kennedy up, but Kennedy shakes her off, and stands on her own. She marches over to the porch, pissed off. Buffy shrugs, and walks to the porch, waiting for Will to come down and verbally kick her ass. Ouch!
Willow, looking at the bed, gathers up the letters and envelopes. ' This is between me and Buffy. Hasn't a thing to do with Kenny.' She thinks to herself. She's pissed off at both her favorite girls right now. Having gathered up all of the letters, she marches out of the room, and heads downstairs.
7
One very embarrassed slayer, and one penitent SiT are standing on the porch, waiting for Willow to come and give them the what for. Both stand like naughty children: hands behind their back, shoulders rounded, faces looking interestedly at their shoelaces. They have a temporary simpatico only children waiting to be punished ever receive.
One very pissed off witch comes onto the porch to give them hell. She's red faced in anger, and she's ready to let loose. Today hasn't been a great day, and the last thing she needed was Buffy and Kennedy getting into it like school kids.
" I'm very disappointed with the both of you" Willow begins." You two are supposed to be setting an example around here! We have 12 very frightened young girls here to deal with. What we need right now is unity. How do you think they're going to react when you two start fighting like a couple of children in the back yard? Aren't the nerves bad enough around here? Kenny! You're the oldest of the SiTs . The other girls look up to you. You're their leader, at least amongst the SiTs. Is this the kind of example you want to set for them? Buffy is in charge here, period. I've been watching all of you, and you've been like a snot nosed brat. If you've got a beef with Buffy, you do it in private. And like an adult. That means you talk about it. You don't come to blows over it. Clear?"
"Wills. We're all in danger here. Our lives are at stake. I don't like things being held back!" Kennedy protests.
"No one's holding back anything from you. Sometimes, until we check something out, we might not tell everybody. But that's only until we know the facts. We have girls ranging in age from 14 up. Not all of them are ready to take on undigested information straight from the source. This is only to keep them from bolting like Annabelle did. We're stronger together than apart. If we all go to the four winds, the bringers are only going to pick us off, one by one. So, you, being de facto leader of the SiTs, gotta keep them in line, and ready. Think you can do that?" Willow says, her voice not quite as angry as earlier.
Kennedy nods.
"Will? Before you go off on me? You're right, I was way outta line" Buffy says, apologetic." Kenny? I'm sorry I went all ballistic on you. Just a bad day. That doesn't excuse what I did, but I'm sorry"
Kennedy looks at Buffy in surprise. Buffy didn't rat her out. She could've easily told about her stealing her letters.
"Buffy, thank you. For apologizing. I know this is all been really hard on you" Willow says, quietly." But you can't afford to let your temper get the best of you. These girls look to you to lead them , and try to keep them safe. You've got to be mature at all times. I know it's rough, Buffy. Believe me, I know" Willow says, grinning a little." I know you had cause for going ballistic" Willow looks at Kennedy, with a very stern expression. Kennedy blushes and looks down." But, if you get this angry, come to me first. We'll talk it out, ok?"
Buffy, ashamed of herself, nods. " Look , again I'm really sorry. I've got to agree with Will. You're the de facto leader of the SiTs, Kenny. You can be of some real help, If you're interested?" Buffy says, turning to Kennedy.
" What do you mean?" Kennedy asks, suspiciously.
" Well...you're a lot farther along than the other girls. I could use some help with the basic training. It's hard to do it all myself. Think you'd be interested? That way , I can concentrate more on the advanced stuff with the girls who're farther along" Buffy says." Believe me, I hate to admit it, but you're pretty good"
Kennedy is flabbergasted. She never expected this. Of course, being who she is, she pushes for more.
"Hey, I'm pretty good at weapons too, you know" Kennedy says, enthusiastically.:" I could...."
"Kenny, take the deal" Willow says, sternly." Buffy's being especially generous. Don't push it!"
Kennedy shuts up, immediately. But it's not quite over for her yet.
"Buffy didn't say anything , Kenny, but I know what you did. And frankly, I really pissed off at you right now." Willow says, turning to Kennedy. Kennedy finds her shoes very interesting at the moment." I'm so angry right now, I don't want to say anything I might regret later. Frankly, I don't want to look at you right now!" Willow says, her voice and anger rising.
"Will? Go easy. She made a mistake." Buffy said, jumping in to defend Kennedy. God, is she a glutton for punishment, or what? Kennedy on the other hand, nearly keels over in shock. Buffy, standing up for her? I know the world's turning backwards today.
" That doesn't excuse what she did, Buffy." Willow says." She invaded your privacy. She's way old enough to know better." She turns back to Kennedy." Here's the deal, Kennedy" Willow says. Now Kenny knows she's pissed...she only uses her full name when she's pissed off." I want you to take the girls out tonight. They need a break" Buffy and Kennedy both look at Will with a "HUH?" expression on their faces." Don't look at me that way, either of you. The girls have been cooped up here. They need a some time out. They're kids. They need some fun!" Willow says, exasperated." Morale around here sucks. Anyway, you're taking the girls to the Bronze. Get Anya and Xander to help you chaperone. That's right, you're on duty as Chaperone. That means you better not have any liquor on your breath when you get home. Neither should any of the girls. If they do, any of them, you're sleeping in the cellar with Spike tonight. Clear?" Kennedy nods, a bit chastened. Willow continues." You didn't really think I was going to let you party tonight, did you? After what you did?" Kennedy shakes her head." Ok then. Get the girls together, and Call Xander. Oh, and take Andrew and Dawn too. Buffy and I need to talk over some things alone"
"Will, I don't like...." Kennedy begins, but Willow cuts her off.
" Really not caring what you like right now, Kenny" Willow says. Her voice is saying don't mess with me, you're in trouble, missy.
Kennedy turns and walks away, muttering something under her breath.
"What?" Willow says, sharply.
"Nothing" Kennedy calls back, walking into the house.
" Gee, mom, you're a little rough on her, don't you think?" Buffy says, jokingly.
Willow turns back to Buffy, her expression grim. She doesn't look at all amused.
" Elizabeth Anne Summers, don't think YOU'RE off the hook yet!" Willow says, her voice stern." We have a lot of talking to do"
Buffy feels her heart sink into her stomach. She can't ever remember when Willow called her by her full name. Oh, crap!!!! She tries to bluff her way out of this.
"About what, Will?" Buffy asks, innocently.
Willow holds up a group of letters. Buffy closes her eyes in pain.
"About these, Buffy"
Uh-oh
8
It's about an hour later. The SiTs have taken off for the Bronze. Buffy and Willow are sitting at the dining room table. Willow has spread out the letters in order in front of her. She's reading each of them in order. Buffy is sitting across from her, fervently wishing that Mayor Wilkins, or the demon he became, would make a sudden guest appearance and swallow her up. But no luck on that front. So she sits there, watching Will as she reads each letter.
Buffy knows there's no place for her to run or hide now. And her dirty little secret is going to come out. All the lies she's been telling herself, the lies she's been living, are going to be revealed. She knows in her heart that Willow is going to hate her, once she puts it all together. How could she feel otherwise? After what she's done? She's dreaded this day. She'd hoped she'd never live to see it. Too late, Buffy. Way too late.
Willow finishes reading the last letter...again. She looks up at Buffy. Her face reflects puzzlement, and maybe a little hurt. Her brow is furled in the way it does when she's trying to understand something that seemingly eludes her.
" Buffy. I just don't understand. Why didn't you say something to me?" Willow asks, her voice confused.
" I couldn't, Will" Buffy replied, her voice contrite." I just couldn't. It wasn't ...right". She looks down at her hands.
"Right? It wasn't right?" Willow asks, her voice a little hurt now." I didn't have a right to know how you felt?"
Buffy can't look at her. Her face blushes, and she feels like dog crap. She's ashamed and miserable.
"Buffy, please. Look at me" Willow says, softly." I'm not angry with you, just confused."
Buffy looks up, her eyes haunted. She can't look at Will. She looks back down at her hand.
"Buffy, please. Look at me" Willow asks, almost begging." Don't turn away . Make me understand!"
Buffy looks up, her eyes shiny with tears. Her heat is thumping in her chest, in fear. She's so afraid she's going to lose Willow now, she can barely breathe.
"I'm so ashamed, Willow. After what I did, how can you stand to even look at me?" Buffy says, her voice trembling.
Willow is surprised by Buffy's reaction. It makes no sense to her. What she did?
" Buffy? I don't understand. What did you do?" Willow asks, her voice puzzled.
"It's.. it's my fault, Will. My fault. All my fault that Tara died!" Buffy says, trying to hold back the tears. It's a losing battle.
Willow looks at Buffy like she's gone insane. Maybe she has.
"Buffy? What're you saying? You're fault? That's... just stupid!" Willow says, upset." It was Warren that shot Tara...." Buffy interrupts her before she can finish.
"If not for me, Willow, Warren never would've come to Revello Drive with a gun. If I'd caught him when I caught Andrew and Jonathan, none of that would've happened." Buffy said, her voice cracking.
" Buffy I remember I said something like that to you when I was all scary-veiny. But I never meant it. I was trying to hurt you, like I was hurting. I never meant it!" Willow says, her own tears starting. The guilt she feels just doubled, realizing her best friend had been carrying that around all this time. Oh Goddess I was so bad! So damned evil!
" Willow, don't you see? I failed you, I failed you!" Buffy cries, the pain coming to the surface." Why wasn't I faster that day? I hesitated. Just for a second, but that was enough. If I hadn't hesitated, if I'd been faster, I could've stopped that shot...or, I could've deflected the shot. I should've taken that shot. It was meant for me. I should've died that day, not Tara" Buffy starts to shake. " I should've died. You'd still have Tara, alive and well, if I'd only died like I shoulda"
Willow can't stand what she's hearing. It's hurting her worse than anything she can think of.
"Oh goddess, Buffy No! Don't even think that. Do you think I could stand it if you died again? I barely survived it sane when you died fighting Glory. I was...I ..." Willow grows quiet. Very quiet. Buffy looks up, worried.
"What...Willow? What?" Buffy asks, getting frightened. She doesn't like the expression she sees on Willow's face. It's like ...oh god..
" Buffy" Willow says, quietly, almost like in a dream." I ... nearly killed myself after you died fighting Glory. If Tara hadn't found me in time, and called the paramedics I'd be dead. The pain I felt was so bad, I had to stop it. I... took pills. Lots of them. I had to make it go away... I couldn't stand living in a world where you didn't exist"
Buffy sits horrified. The thought of Willow, sweet loving Willow...so full of life...killing herself over her...just... shocked her beyond comprehension.
"Will... my god.. I never knew..." Buffy said, whispering.
"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know. I swore Tara to secrecy." Willow said, quietly." So you see, Buffy, I had my own dirty little secret. I told my own lies."
"I'm so sorry, Will." Buffy said, quietly, shocked out of her own tears." I...I've hurt you so much. I've let you down so much. How...could you ever forgive me? I was so self centered, so concerned with my own pain, that I didn't see your pain. Didn't help you when you needed help. I failed you so many times." Buffy said.
"Buffy, please stop. Please stop being so hard on yourself" Willow said. She reached out, and took Buffy's hands in hers. It still amazed her how this strong woman, who can beat up huge demons, is so small. She warmly grasped Buffy's hands in hers. She continued " I told you my secret Buffy, because I wanted you to realize that you're not the only one who makes mistakes. We all do foolish things, things we regret. I know you feel guilty over Tara's death. But please believe me Buffy when I tell you , it wasn't your fault. No one could've stopped that bullet that day. It took me a long time to accept that. It was her time. No one could've changed it. Believe me, I called on the Gods to try to change it. But it was in the natural order of things. I hate it. I still hate it. It was cruel and vicious and mean. But it couldn't be changed. I went insane with grief, Buffy. I went over to the dark side, taking my power from a vengeance place. I said things to you that I still regret. But you didn't fail me Buffy, no matter what you think."
" But Will, I ... I didn't try to reach out to you after you changed. I should've tried to make you understand that we loved you, and would always love you, no matter what. It took Xander to do that." Buffy said, She still can't forgive herself for that.
"Buffy." Willow said, quietly." I love Xander. Always will. He's been my friend forever." Willow stops." You're right, it took him to reach the human in me, but it wasn't him that stopped me. Not in the end."
Buffy looks at Willow, puzzled.
" Yes, he reminded me that I was human, and that I was loved. But I was still ready to destroy the world. That last time, when I cut into him, and he staggered, I was ready to start again. But I stopped. Want to know why?" Willow asked quietly
" Why?" Buffy asked.
" Because I realized that if I destroyed the world... you'd be gone, too." Willow said. " Couldn't take that idea".
Buffy grins , a bit ruefully. So, the secrets were out. The lies exposed...and no one seemed to be hating no one. But there was still the little matter of what she'd written in the letters.
"So, now what Will? " Buffy asks." Kinda seems that we're back to the letters. Seems pointless to pursue this discussion. Kinda moot, with you being with Kenny and all"
" I guess" Willow said, her voice having an odd tone. She looks at the letters, and then back to Buffy." I gotta know, though. Did you mean what you said in this letter?" She hands the letter to Buffy. Buffy doesn't need to look it over, but she does.
"Every word, Will." Buffy said, quietly.
Willow sat for a minute, looking at Buffy. Buffy returned her gaze, a bit puzzled. Without warning, Willow got up from her chair, and walked over to Buffy's side of the table. She put her arms around Buffy's neck, and leaned in.
She kissed her lightly on the lips. Both felt the spark.
"I guess it's not moot after all, Buffy". Willow smiled, and kissed her again.
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Fin