Encounter
by Norwalker
Part 4
[reviews]
Encounter
By Norwalker
Part 4 of
Summary: A little tale of Buffy and Willow post "Chosen" (like about 10 years after). Really don't like writing too much about the story in the summary, but it's been a long time since the old best friends have seen each other. What happens? Read on.
Rating: R probably for language, adult themes, suggested stuff.
Category: It's Willow and Buffy... you gotta ask? Ok, Angst/Romance/Drama.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own the characters. I get nothing from this except the pure satisfaction of telling a story. Don't blame them if the story sucks.
Warning: Adult themes, suggested violence, sexual situations. Lovemaking between members of the same gender. Not for children... if you're ten, you really shouldn't be reading this!
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Willow stood on the street curb, undecided.
She looked down at the address on the paper Jana had given her, then at the street number at the house. She did this about 3 times, being absolutely sure.
This is it. At least, according to Jana, this is it. Willow's brow furrows. She's having a hard time accepting that Buffy could live here. The house looks like it was built 60 years ago, and hasn't had much, if any maintenance since. To call it ramshackle would be a kindness. The paint is old and powdery looking...where it isn't blistered or starting to crack. The shutters look like they have terminal wood rot. The windows are intact, and the screen door looks new, but the roof... no holes, but really, really saggy.
The yard is bare... no grass growing in it. There is one tree, kinda half dead looking, and the bushes are scraggly. The sidewalk is ... stepping stones, mislaid and cracked, so they tend to sit at strange angles. The fence surrounding the yard is leaning in spots, and the gate looks a bit suspicious.
Willow's heart goes out to Buffy; she knows that things must indeed be hard for her to be living in a place like this. And it must be doubly hard to raise her little girl here.
That little fact had, when Jana told her, had blown Willow away. She hadn't even suspected that Buffy had a child, much less a nine year old little girl. How is she doing it on a waitress's salary? She must be scraping on everything. This must be the best she can afford. Willow feels a little pang. While she's not rolling in money, Willow has a very comfortable life afforded her by her business. She's had her ups and downs, and her tough times. But ... she's always managed to get by. She's always had a decent place to live, and all the necessities, often a fair amount of luxuries to boot. In the last few years, WillNet has taken off, and her personal fortune has grown considerably... and appears it will continue to grow. So, it's especially painful to see someone she cares about living...like this. But what can I do to change it? If I offer to help, Buffy will just refuse. She can be awfully stubborn that way.
But it's not the condition of the house that's making Willow hesitate; no one could accuse her of being a snob. She can be comfortable anywhere. What's causes Willow to pause is her own fears and doubts. She wonders if she knows the woman that lives here anymore. Ten years can bring about a lot of changes; she knows she's not the same person she was 10 years ago. She knows Buffy has probably changed a lot too. Would they click like they used to? Would she still feel the same about Buffy, or would she find herself wondering what they had in the first place? Would Buffy even want to see her, after that scene in the hotel? Our lives have been so different... what would we even talk about.
Beyond that, Willow still had some anger and hurt from the way Buffy had just turned away from those people who loved her. She still didn't understand why Buffy, if she were in trouble, ran away, rather than ask for help. Did she think we wouldn't help her? I can't believe that. But something made her do it. It hurt badly, still hurt, that Buffy hadn't trusted her friends, trusted her, enough to come to her. No matter what happened, Willow wouldn't turn her back on her. Buffy should know that. I would've done anything I could to help her. What crowned it was that Buffy hadn't even called to let her know she was alive. She'd worried for years, then accepted she was dead. Now she's alive again, how does she deal with that? How is she going to tell Giles, Dawn, Xander and everybody that Buffy is alive, and hiding out? That she didn't die, but just turned her back on us? Didn't she know we'd worry about her? Didn't she know that we would wonder what happened to her? Didn't she know I would die a little, thinking she was dead?
Willow wondered why she even came here. Buffy, by her actions, had pretty much made it clear she didn't want her, or any of them in her life. Why did she come to my room, then? If she was so set on keeping us out, she could've just let it go, I never would've pursued it further. Maybe she didn't know that. Maybe she came to warn me off, to tell me to get lost. But it didn't seem that way. She seemed to want to reach out... and I batted her away. Too many maybes, too many 'I-don't-knows' here. I gotta know why. No matter how much it hurts, I gotta know why she did it. Better the hurt now, and get over it, than to let it eat me for the rest of my life. This just has to...
" Hello!"
Willow, lost in her thoughts, didn't see the little girl walk up to her. Startled, she looks down and sees a pretty little girl with strawberry blonde hair and startlingly bright green eyes. She has a plethora of freckles across her nose and cheeks, and a winning little smile. But the most amazing thing is she's standing right up next to Willow, looking at her with open curiosity and frankness. Not a bit of shyness or reserve in the child. And her look, her expression says that she can see right through you, so don't try to lie to her.
" Well, hi, " Willow says, immediately charmed, " Who're you?"
" I live here, " the little girl says, dodging the question and asking her own " Who're you?"
Willow smiles, seeing that this little cookie's no dummy. She squats down to get on eyelevel with the little girl.
"Well, I guess that's fair, " Willow says, brightly, " My name's Willow... what's yours?"
The little girl's brow scrunches up, and it hits Willow. My goddess, this has got to be Buffy's little girl. She does the same thing when she's thinking! The little girl stares at her intently, and her face gets a doubting look on it.
" No way, you're not Willow" The little girl decides, " You're lying!"
The little girl is so sure of herself, so convinced she knows the truth...Willow can't help but burst out laughing.
" I'm lying?" Willow says, between laughs. " You sure?"
" Oh, my mommy's told me all about Willow. She lives far away, by the sea. And she's a witch..." She says, confidently, " and ... she's just a girl. You're too old to be her!".
Willow is enchanted. Even when she's being less than friendly, this little girl is the charmer.
"Hmmmm... How am I going to prove to you I'm Willow?" Willow ponders gravely, getting in on the game. " Would you like to see my driver's license?"
The little girl shakes her head impatiently, " If you're really Willow, you'll prove it by doing something magical!" the little girl insists. " If you don't, then I know you're just telling me a fib!".
"Of course, whatever was I thinking?" Willow says, smiling, " So...what shall I do? What shall I do?" She looks in her purse, and finds a pencil. She takes it out, and hands it to the little girl. " Would you hold this for me, please?" Willow asks.
" 'K ", the little girl says, reaching for the pencil. But before she can grab it, it floats out of Willow's hand. She reaches to where it stops... and it moves away...floating in the air. The girl reaches again, and again it moves, back to the first spot. She gets a determined look on her face, and grabs for it quickly, but it floats up and out of her reach. Then it starts to spin, slowly...and moves down in front of her. The little girl's eyes have gone wide by now, but Willow isn't quite done. She mutters a small spell under her breath, and the pencil turns into a pretty butterfly... and flies away.
The girl is looking at Willow with wide eyes, her mouth in shaped like an "O". Then she gets excited, and almost starts dancing in place.
" You're here... you're really HERE!" Joy shouts, almost jumping up and down, " I wished... I wished you come visit me, and you did!" She looks at Willow, then reaches out and touches her, as if she can't believe she's really here... then she takes off, running up to the house at full speed, calling out at the top of her lungs.
" Mommy! Mom! MOM! Come quick, come QUICK!" Joy yells, " Hurry...hurry , hurry! "
The door to the house opens, and Buffy comes out on the porch. She looks at Joy , checking her to see if she's alright.
" Goodness, Joy, what is it? Why're you yelling so...." Then she looks over Joy's shoulder, and stops dead.
" Mommy, mommy... look, it's her! It's really her! " Joy shouts, her voice full of excitement, " I wished she would come see me, and she has!"
" Joy, sweetie, maybe you should go inside now, ok?" Buffy says, turning her gaze on Joy, " Dinner's almost ready."
" But mommy, it's HER! She... she did magic and everything. She made a pencil float, and dart around, and spin...and it turned into a butterfly and flew away and everything!" Joy is squirming in excitement.
" Joy, go inside now, please" Buffy repeats, her tone not accepting any argument. That doesn't stop Joy from trying.
" But, mommy...!" Joy says, protesting.
" No ' But, mommy", " Buffy says, firmly, " Dinner's nearly on the table, and you need to wash up. I'm sure Willow has to be going..." Buffy looks at Willow, her face a mask, unreadable, " ... so maybe you should say goodbye, now".
" No! NO! She can't go now! She just got here!" Joy says, looking crushed. She runs off the porch towards Willow.
" Joy! Joyce Marie Price! You come back here right now!" Buffy yells at her, and then runs after her.
" Please, please Ms. Willow, you gotta stay! Ok? Please? Please, please, please??" The little girl , now by Willow, pleads with her.
Willow looks down at Joy, and says, " Honey, that's up to your mother."
Joy turns back to Buffy, and pleads, " Mommy, please...please ask her to stay...please?"
Buffy takes one look into her baby's face, and she knows she's lost. Sighing, she looks up at Willow. She's not sure how she feels about her being here.
" Have you eaten?" Buffy asks, a little gruffly. She's not pleased at being cornered this way.
"No, not yet" Willow says simply. She feels a little badly about the whole situation. She didn't mean for it to go like this. But on another level, she wonders how the little girl knows her name, and that she's a witch. Just another little mystery to be solved, I guess.
" Well, it's not chez-ritzy" Buffy says, falling into an old pattern of speaking, " but it hasn't killed anybody yet. So, wanna have dinner with us?"
" Look, Buffy. I didn't know you'd be eating... I can come back another time..." Willow offers, letting her off the hook.
" Oh, no. I'll NEVER hear the end of it if you don't stay" Buffy says, a bit ruefully, " god, why I ever made up that story in the first place... look, you don't have to stay after, just come in so Joy will eat, and not get all upset, ok?"
" Ok, Buffy, " Willow says, softly. " Look, I'm sorry about the magic... just seemed... harmless at the time. I didn't know she'd get all...."
" Forget it Will, no big" Buffy says, " You better come in, dinner's almost ready, and I don't really want it to burn". With that, she turns, takes Joy's hand, who looks over her shoulder and beams at Willow, and walks back into the house.
Willow watches them, then follows. She has a feeling it's going to be a long night.
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Willow was surprised when she entered Buffy's house. Pleasantly surprised.
As ramshackle and worn as the exterior was, the opposite was true of the interior. The walls were in good order, patched and painted, the floor, hardwood, had been sealed and waxed. There wasn't much in the way of furnishings, but what there was had been carefully picked... it was of good quality, though it showed it's age. You could tell a child lived here; lots of bright adorned the room, pictures of things popular with children decorated the walls. What books populated the small bookshelf were geared towards a child's interest. Everywhere there were touches of a house made a home.
But what pervaded the small house most was a warm, loving atmosphere. As Willow watched the interaction between mother and daughter, she observed an easy, casual interaction between mother and daughter. That there was a real feeling of love was evident. More, they liked each other, and it could be told they enjoyed playing together, when time permitted. Willow could see that Joy was the center of Buffy's universe; that her life was dedicated to making the little girl as happy as she could. This was not to say that she spoiled Joy; far from it. There were rules, and Buffy enforced them. But it was done in a way that reinforced her love for her daughter. Firmness tempered by kindness. Willow could see that Joy gave Buffy a channel for the selfless love she harbored. It allowed her to break the mold of the 'self-absorbed' Buffy that was familiar to those who knew her, and showed that she'd matured into a woman who cared more about others than herself. It didn't surprise Willow too much; she always knew that her friend was a loving, compassionate person. It just took adversity, and having a child, to allow herself to show it.
"Willow?" Buffy called across the living room, "Dinner's ready. We don't stand on ceremony here. Just be seated and help yourself. There's plenty" With that, Buffy sat next to her daughter at the small dining room table. Willow crossed the living room and joined them.
The dinner, for the adults anyway, was awkward and strained. Conversation between Buffy and Willow was confined to the general polite conversation of strangers, and very little of that. Both knew that this was not the time to bring up the issues between them; but that didn't make the issues go away. Both realized that they were going to have to talk about them, but not now. . So, instead, both women focused on Joy. Buffy asked about her day, about her teachers, what she learned, about her friends. Willow answered Joy's questions about magic, and talked about her beliefs, and where her magic came from. She carefully veered from any references of the darker aspects of magic, and avoided any mention of hers and Buffy's adventures together. Willow had no idea what Joy knew or didn't know about her mother, but she wasn't going to reveal by accident anything Buffy might be keeping from the girl. They somehow got through dinner, but it wasn't easy on either Buffy or Willow.
After dinner, up to her bedtime, Joy pretty much dominated Willow's time. That was a relief to both women, as talking between them with Joy in the room was... stilted. Joy insisted on showing Willow her books, and Willow told her which ones had been her favorites when she was Joy's age.
" You mean they had these books way back then?" Joy asks, innocently.
" Oh yes, but they still wrote them on scrolls in my time" Willow replies, jokingly " bindings came later".
" Don't be silly" Joy says, all serious and a little disgusted, " I'm not stupid."
" No, you're not, " Willow agrees, " but being silly is fun".
Joy then took Willow, and introduced her to her favorite stuffed bears. Willow did a small spell, and made the bears dance together, much to Joy's delight. Just as the bears stopped dancing, Buffy came into the room.
" Ok, honey, time for your bath, then bed" Buffy said
" Aw, mom... can't it wait? There's so much more I want to show Willow!" Joy said.
" You can show Willow another time, honey, " Buffy said, quietly but with a firm tone, " but now it's your bedtime".
" Mommy, please?" Joy pleaded, looking to Willow for support.
" You should do what your mom says, Joy, " Willow says, " We can do more another time, ok?"
Joy sighs heavily, as only a disappointed child can, " Oh, ok" She says, a little sulkily. She gets her robe and underwear, and heads for the bathroom. Buffy and Willow go into the living room.
"I wish you wouldn't do that, " Buffy says, peevishly.
" Do what, Buffy?" Willow asks, bewildered.
" Act like you're going to be back. We both know you won't" Buffy says, " and I don't want Joy upset when you don't come back."
" How do you know I won't be back?" Willow says, miffed.
" Another thing, " Buffy says, as if Willow hadn't said anything, " I don't want her exposed to all the magic stuff. I'm trying to keep her out of that kind of life."
" Kind of life?" Willow says, annoyed, " What's wrong with that ' kind of life' ?"
" For you, Willow? Nothing, " Buffy says, not really getting the underlying insult, " but I don't want Joy exposed to all that stuff. Especially the danger."
" You don't want Joy exposed to magic, " Willow says, maybe a little derisively," Yet you settle in one of the most magic -laden cities in America".
"I didn't choose to stay in New Orleans because of the atmosphere, " Buffy says, " I stayed because for the first time, in what seems ever, I haven't felt I need to uproot us after a couple of months".
"What's that supposed to mean, Buffy?" Willow asks
" Nothing, forget it, Will" Buffy says, heading to the bathroom to check on Joy.
" No...it's not nothing, Buffy. What do you mean?" Willow is doggedly determined to find out what the hell is going on.
" Not now, Will" Buffy says, turning back. Her face is cold and hard, not brooking any further discussion. She enters the bathroom.
"Fine, " Willow says, her voice edgy. She sits down on the sofa, wondering why she even came here. So far, it's been a pretty stupid idea. This is looking like a total waste of time. I should've known better. Buffy's not gonna tell me why she decided to drop out, and I'm just gonna be the fool because I thought maybe what we once had meant something. Pretty obvious I had that all wrong. I should probably just go. Figuring it was pointless staying, Willow starts to get up to find her purse so she can leave. She feels someone tugging at her sleeve, and she looks around into the face of a freshly washed Joy.
"What is it, sweetie?" Willow asks, looking down on the little girl. Joy reaches out and hugs willow tightly. Willow returns the hug.
" Mom said to come in and say goodnight to you, " Joy said. She hugs Willow again, and whispers to her, " Thank you for coming to see me". She kisses Willow on the cheek, then turns and runs to her bedroom, still full of energy.
Willow finds herself sitting back down, an amused expression on her face. She feels some of her anger dissipating, she laughs self deprecatingly. That little girl's gonna break a lot of hearts in her time. She settles back, realizing she's not going to leave until she got what she came for.
Buffy walks into the room a little bit later, looking a little frazzled from caring for Joy. She notices Willow is still here, and it's hard to tell from her expression whether she's surprised or not. But you can tell she's not unhappy about it.
" Can I get you something while I'm up, Will?" Buffy asks, heading for the kitchen for some water.
" No, thanks Buffy, I'm fine, " Willow replies. She's nervously fingering the strap on her purse. It's the moment of truth... and she's not so sure she's ready to hear the truth, or wants to. Even though it's been a couple of days now, she's still trying to process the fact that Buffy is alive. She's held off calling the others. She wanted to at least be able to explain Buffy's motivation for running. Despite the anger and hurt she's felt, she doesn't want to shut Buffy out; rather, she wants to somehow bring Buffy back into her life. But it's not only her that's been hurt, and the others... it might not be so easy trying to win them over. Which makes me a pushover, I guess, since I... want her back. Why does it have to be so difficult? Life is too freaking complicated sometimes.
Buffy enters the room, carrying a bottle of water. Her expression is mixed. Dread is fighting with curiosity . She's glad to see Willow here, not raging, but she just doesn't get it. After that scene at the hotel, she thought for sure she'd never see Willow again... yet 3 days later, she's sitting in her living room. But she fears that Willow has just come to tell her that she doesn't forgive her, can never forgive her. Even though, for Joy's sake, Will has acted ... well, friendly, she still knows that there are issues to be worked out. If they can be worked out. That's what she fears most: that it's too late to try again.
"Willow, why are..." Buffy starts, but Willow starts at the same time
" I guess you're wondering why...." Willow starts, realizes Buffy spoke, and stops
They look at each other and laugh nervously.
" I thought after the other night, well... you were pretty clear about how you felt. I... gotta say I'm surprised you're here" Buffy gets out, a little tense. Not really feeling like round 2 of the emotional boxing match...especially with Joy just a room away.
Willow looks down at her hands, which are clutching nervously at her purse...and looks up.
" Look, Buffy, I... I'm not saying I'm sorry about that... well, I'm sorta sorry, cause I really didn't want to handle it that way...of course, I never really thought about how I'd handle it... I never thought I'd see you in this life again... but I mean I didn't want to just leave it with all that anger and stuff... though you gotta admit I had a right to be angry... you just showing up out of nowhere like nothing happened... what ARE you laughing at?" Willow notices Buffy is barely holding back her laughter.
" I think I missed that most of all... The Willow Babble" Buffy tries to suppress the giggles... but they escape. After the tension of the evening, they just build and build until she's nearly falling over laughing.
Willow stares at her like she's gone mad... but then slowly the giggles take her, and soon she's leaning back in the chair, giggling and laughing like a crazy woman. All the angst just seems totally absurd now. But of course, she tries to salvage a thread of her dignity.
" S-S-Stop l-laughing...its n-n-not f-f-f-funny" Willow says, barely able to get that out between giggles.
" Y-Y-Your right, n-n-not funny at all" Buffy laughs, not able to help it, "S-S-Stopping N-N-Now!"
But of course they don't... not for a couple of minutes. They both need it, badly. Finally, somewhat exhausted, almost breathless, both not looking at the other afraid they'll burst out laughing again, they get it under control. They sit for a second, just letting the quiet settle over them.
" Buffy," Willow says, a little breathless from laughing, " I just gotta know. Why?". She ventures a look at Buffy, and sees her expression change radically. Her face seems to collapse into a brown study.
" It's just so stupid, Will... or it seems like it now" Buffy starts, trying to carefully pick her words to make her former friend understand, " But at the time it happened, everything seemed to just fall apart. A lot of things were happening , bad things... and I ... I don't know... God, I've tried to make it make sense to me all these years, and it still doesn't. How can I expect you to understand?"
" Please try, Buffy, " Willow says, trying to encourage her.
Well, It was during my first year in Cleveland when it all started, " Buffy said, quietly, " It was all good, at first. I just gotten that job with the law firm, acting as receptionist, gopher , whatever was needed. It wasn't real prestigious, but it was a lot better than anything I'd had up 'til then. I was working there days, and doing the slaying at night. I even was thinking of taking some college classes... you know, better myself. I was kinda on a path towards something, " Buffy pauses," then it just all changed. One day, Jim Price walked into the law firm, and things... changed."
Buffy makes a face," God, over-dramatic much, Buffy? It's not like lightning bolts and spooky music time. What I meant was, I met Jim, and ... well, ok at first, nothing... but I found myself starting to look out for him, ya know? And ... it wasn't like he was ... God, Willow, how do you explain falling in love? You know my history with guys. Angel, Riley, even Spike, to a degree... all kinda big and broody and dark. Jim had to be the polar opposite of them. First of all, he was not a lot taller than you are, Will... maybe 5'8" or 5'9" ... kinda short in relation to the other guys I had a thing for. And he wasn't like ... eye candy... he was ok, I mean... attractive enough, but not gonna —make —you drool. But there was something so sweet about him, so... funny, he always made me laugh! I always felt better after seeing him. Then I started feeling not so good not seeing him, if you get my drift. There was just something about him, made my heart go pitty pat. Something that just seemed so right." Buffy gets up, and wanders around a bit, " I got a picture of him here...somewhere..." She stops...and picks up a picture on one of the bookcase's shelves, and brings it over to Willow. " Here, you can see for yourself...though pictures don't really bring HIM out... it's more like, you had to be there."
Willow looks at the picture, then really looks at the picture. The man is on the slender side, not at all what you'd call muscular. He has deep red hair, and a splash of freckles adorning his cheeks. And deep, greenish-blue eyes. Willow looks at Buffy, then looks at the picture again, and wonders if Buffy noticed anything. Like, if Willow had a brother, this could be it. The resemblance was... startling. She hands the picture back to Buffy, and notices Buffy eyes fixed on her face. She feels a small flush creeping up her neck.
" Yeah, ok, Willow, I noticed it too... I'm not denying that might have been part of the attraction, " Buffy says, with a candor that Willow's not exactly used to from her ex-best friend. " He reminded me a lot of you... and I felt...comfortable with him... more than with guy I'd ever been with, almost more than with anyone I'd known," Buffy makes the reference pointedly. Willow feels her flush deepen. Buffy goes back to her story, veering off where this might lead, " Anyway, we started dating. Casually at first, more like friends... but it didn't stay that way. I fell for him Will... hard. He had to be the opposite of what I thought I wanted, yet he was everything I ever wanted."
" Buffy... you...never told me about him," Willow said, a little miffed, " Don't you think I would've like to have known?".
" I see lots of things now, Will, I didn't see then, " Buffy says, contritely, " I was coming of bad history with guys. You know my record. At first, I was just kinda trying to see where this was going, IF it was going. I didn't tell anybody. I wasn't ashamed... I was afraid. I thought if I announced it, I would jinx it. Again."
" For a while, it was... wonderful, Will. Absolutely wonderful, " Buffy had a small smile on her face, but it wasn't happy, it was sad, wistful. " We'd moved in together, we were planning on getting married. I swear, Will, I would've told you then... before then... I couldn't think of anyone else who'd I want to be my maid of honor, " Buffy says.
"Around that time, Jim got a big case. It would be one, that if he were successful, would've made him a partner in the firm," Buffy said, " It involved the son of one of the wealthiest families in Cleveland. This family wasn't just rich, Will. They were RICH... all capitals, they were like one of the richest families in America. And they were spending a fortune on legal fees, because the favorite son of the family was in serious trouble," Buffy pauses, her face hardening, " Seems he was accused of being in a child porn ring. A large one. He of course, denied it. Jim never would've taken the case, but he believed his client. So, he threw himself in the case. He really went all out to defend his client, because of course something like this would ruin him for life."
" But then it blew up in his face, " Buffy said, her voice getting a angry, hard edge, " I don't know what made him do it, but one night, his client confessed to Jim. He was guilty! He was involved. Not only involved, but really heavily into it, financing it, etc." Buffy stops, stands up and starts pacing, " Jim was furious, and revolted. He'd totally believed in his client, and found out he'd been made a fool of... but worse, he was helping a ... molester go free. The government's case was shaky, and Jim had been effective in blowing holes in it. He was disgusted with his client and with himself. He immediately asked to be removed from the case, but the Judge wouldn't allow it. He was stuck. But he couldn't , wouldn't live with the thought that he'd put a child molester back out on the streets."
" By law, he didn't have to report what he'd learned. Attorney — client privilege. But he couldn't live with himself, knowing what he knew, " Buffy says, " He knew pretty much his career would be damaged, but he had a strong moral sense. He went to the D.A, and revealed what he knew, " Buffy takes another drink of water. She lets out a sigh, and continues, "Well, that pretty much got him off the case, because the D.A subpoenaed him as a witness. The firm when they found out, pretty much fired him... the bastards, " Buffy says, bitterly, " He was doing the right thing, and they let him twist in the wind. Anyway, he gave what evidence he could, which , with his testimony, led to a conviction. He'd lost a lot, but he slept at night, knowing he'd done the right thing."
" Of course, the family was furious at him, " Buffy says, " But he didn't care. He was right, and he knew it. But he should've cared some, because they weren't going to just let it go. First thing they did was to make sure Jim was blackballed. They were rich and powerful enough to make sure he didn't work in Cleveland again. But that wasn't enough... not near enough, " Buffy says, resentfully. " Child molesters don't live long in prison, and the son wasn't an exception. Though he'd been segregated from the general population for his protection, the word got around. They found him hanged in his cell, his... privates cut off. Rough justice, but I can't say this guy didn't deserve it, " Buffy says." The family, however, saw it differently, and blamed Jim for the son's death. They weren't going to let that go."
Buffy stops, leaning her head on her hand. This part hurts, still hurts after ten years. She needs time to gather herself together. Willow pretty much knows what's coming, but reaches out, and holds Buffy's hand. She's lending what support she can, knowing that Buffy needs to do this. This is probably the first time she's had a chance to tell anyone.
"I came home late one night. I was still working for the law firm, and I had a doctor's appointment afterwards. I was kinda suspicious, but the doctor confirmed it for me... I was pregnant. We were gonna have a baby, me and Jim. I didn't care if he'd lost his job, or anything. I was gonna insist he marry me now... and I was thinking all the way back how I was gonna call you, tell you, get all giggly excited with you. It was gonna be so great, Will. We'd be together again, you'd be my maid of honor, and we'd really get a chance to catch up... I can't tell you how much I hated not telling you. Now I had no more excuses, and I was so jazzed. Everything was gonna be great now," Buffy's voice changes. It's devoid of emotion. As if she's reciting facts... she can't deal with bringing up all the emotions again, " I don't know what it was... maybe my slayer sense... but I knew something was wrong as soon as my hand touched the doorknob to our apartment. I opened the door, cautiously, and there was Jim... lying on the floor...lots of blood. I lost it then. I didn't think, I just ran in to check on him...and that's when the killers jumped me."
" They were tough and strong, " Buffy continues, " but nothing that I hadn't handled before. They had knives, and guns, but I managed to disarm them, and then I kicked their ass. I think ... no ... I know I went a little nuts. I beat them up pretty badly. I found some tape or something, and tied them up. But at that point, they were still alive. I went over to check on Jim. I prayed to every deity I knew, praying he was still alive. But I was too late, " Buffy stops, despite her resolve she starts to shake, "Damn me, damn me to hell. If I hadn't gone to the doctor's that evening, I could've been there. I could've protected him. He'd be alive Will... none of this would've happened!"
" Buffy... you can't blame yourself, " Willow says, sympathetically, " It wasn't your fault!"
" I could've saved him, Will!" Buffy shouted...then, seemed to collapse into herself. Willow comes over, trying to comfort Buffy, but she shrugs her off, " I don't deserve to be comforted Will. What I did next... was inexcusable. I lost it, Will. I really loved him Will, and the ... monsters that killed him were right there, tied up. I lost it. I felt something dark take me. They were gonna pay, pay big... they were starting to come around, and I went to them... and my rage turned cold. I picked up one of the guns they had...I hate guns, but at that moment, I didn't care. I went to the first one, and put the barrel in his face. I saw the fear. I relished it, will. I fed on it. I wanted him to be scared. I took it slowly, and I shot him... in the face. The last thing he saw was me pulling the trigger. I went to the other one. He begged. But I was remorseless, and relentless. I shot him in the neck. When it was done... I felt empty. It didn't mean a thing. It didn't ... satisfy me. It felt... sick" Buffy starts shaking so badly, Willow has to come over and hold her...so she doesn't hurt herself. It takes her nearly 15 minutes to get Buffy calmed down. Still being held by Willow, she continues." I didn't have to do that Will... I didn't. But my rage, my hatred was so intense ... something dark took me over... I didn't know, Will... now I understand... I understand, " Buffy is pale, and she looks at Willow. Willow is also pale, remembering her dark time. Buffy continues, "...anyway, afterwards, I untied them, and made it look like... Jim had managed to kill them in self defense... but not before he was mortally wounded. I felt nothing but cold ice inside, Will. I'd killed two humans... but it didn't ...I didn't feel anything. I wiped the gun clean... and then put one of the dead bodies prints on it...and then... to make it convincing...so it would look like I was attacked ... I shot myself in the shoulder."
Willow's eyes go wide, and she releases Buffy. She stares at her, and says " Buffy! God!".
" I didn't care, Willow. If I hadn't been pregnant, I probably would've just killed myself. I... didn't feel anything, inside. I was dead already, felt dead." Buffy says, her voice sounding dead, too.
" Buffy , goddess, don't SAY that!" Willow exclaims, hugging her. Willow all too well knows the feeling, how the darkness eats your soul.
Buffy turns to her, looking into her eyes, " I just didn't care anymore Will. Jim was dead, my future, my happiness...dead. I wanted to die. I really did. But...I couldn't kill the innocent life in me. I couldn't."
"After that, I called the police. I made up some story, acting hysterically... maybe not entirely acting...I don't know...it's all like a nightmare...that night...I didn't care if they believed me or not, but I must've been convincing, cuz they did", Buffy says. " After that, I thought I was safe. I moved away from that apartment, got another place, worked, and waited for Joy to be born."
" But I wasn't safe. Somehow they figured out what really happened. That family. They figured I knew they were involved... and they weren't looking for witnesses. They came after me," Buffy says, her tone even, but her voice a little shaky, "nothing I could prove, nothing that would connect them, but too many " close calls" happened to me. I got scared, and I got lost, " Buffy says.
" I know... I maybe should've called you guys, " Buffy says, " I can't tell you how many times I wanted to. I ...couldn't. I was afraid if I got you involved, you'd be in danger too... all of you" Buffy says." I know you guys would've gone to the wall for me... but I couldn't let you do it. I couldn't take a chance as to how far these ... monsters could reach. Jim had died...I couldn't take it if you died, or Xander, or Giles... because of me. I couldn't deal, Will, not with that too."
" Joy was born seven months after that," Buffy says, quietly." Just before she was born, I really, truly considered giving her up. I thought it was the only way she could be safe... I shoulda... I shoulda given her up. She would be safe, and happy if I done the right thing. But, once I held her, looked in those eyes... I couldn't do it, " Buffy says, " I loved her from the instant I saw her... she was part of me. I... I couldn't do it, and I've regretted it so many times since. Not because of her; she's been my one real happiness in this whole mess. I regretted I stole a happy, normal life from her".
" Buffy, I watched her and you, " Willow interjects, " I've seen how you two act together. I know... from what you've told me so far, you've both had it rough. But I don't think Joy could be any happier...anywhere."
" Joy is special, " Buffy says, " but the life I've given her? God, Will. What does she have? No place to call home, barely enough money to get by on... if she gets sick, I gotta hope I can find a free clinic to treat her... or we eat very little. She doesn't have any of the things a little girl should have. She's had a crappy, miserable life, and it's my fault, Willow. I could've done right by her, given her a chance at a decent life...and I didn't. Cuz I'm selfish." Buffy is near tears.
" Stop it, Buffy" Willow says gently, sensing Buffy's mood, " Beating yourself up because you couldn't give her more is foolish. She's happy, Buffy. Doesn't take a genius to see that. And you love her more than anything in this world... you'd give your life to protect her... also doesn't take a genius. I look around this place and see you've worked damned hard to make her a home. So, beating yourself up is pointless."
" Willow...." Buffy starts, but Willow shushes her.
" Stop it, Buffy." She says simply.
"That's pretty much it, Will, " Buffy says, sounding tired, " I keep running, because I can't ever feel safe... I'm sure I'm being followed. We moved a lot... way too much for any child" Buffy says, " She's lived in some pretty crappy dumps, Will. The only reason this place is decent...is because for the first time...I've felt sorta safe. Like they haven't found me. We've been here a little over a year...longest in any place, ever."
" Besides robbing Joy of a decent childhood, " Buffy starts, but Willow's stern look cuts her off, " Ok, ok.. I'll stop the self-pity. The thing I regret most is not telling you, or any of the gang, that I was still alive. But I was afraid , Will. Afraid they'd go after you guys, or... get to me through you. Somehow. So I figured, somehow, it was better to let you think I was dead. I ... figured you'd all be safe, and Joy would be safer, that way, " Buffy finishes, " It was stupid. I know that now. I'm... I can't tell you how much I wish I'd done it differently, " Buffy starts to shake again, and her eyes glisten with tears, " I can't tell you how much I missed you all. I missed you every day. I hurt you guys badly, and there's no way I can ever make that up." Buffy feels the tears starting to fall, and breaks away from Willow, standing up, walking away...
" Buffy?" Willow says, surprised and confused, "What?"
" I don't deserve to be comforted, Will, " Buffy says, holding herself, not facing Willow, " I don't deserve anything. I've been nothing but a fuck up. I did everything wrong . I hurt everybody."
Willow stands up, and goes to Buffy. She turns her around, and sees Buffy trying not to cry. Buffy angrily wipes at her tears, not wanting to cry in front of Willow. Willow just pulls her close, and holds her. Buffy stiffens.
" Idiot, " Willow says to her, " You're a moron, you know that Buffy?".
Buffy, not relaxing, whispers, " I know that."
" Ok, if you know that, WHY are you a moron?" Willow asks, gently.
" Cuz I fucked up everything, " Buffy says, miserably.
"And why is that?" Willow prods gently. She gets no answer, so she continues, " you fucked up everything, as you say, because you keep thinking you have to save the world, Buffy. You keep protecting your friends, to the point where you hurt them by shutting them out."
Buffy looks at Willow with a puzzled look on her face, " What?" She asks.
"Why, dammit, do you have to carry the whole world on your shoulders, Buffy? " Willow asks, " they're pretty thin, those shoulders. Why don't you, for once, admit you need help? That's what makes me the angriest of all, Buffy."
Buffy still looks confused. Willow sighs. Does she have a brain up there? Or is it pure 100% rock?
" Buffy, it hurts because you're saying we can't help you. You're rejecting our help even before we can give it. Don't you think after all the times you've put your life on the line, we wouldn't want...no...NEED to help you? But somehow you got the idea that only you've got to protect us, at all costs. Problem is, this time it cost too much."
" I understand, Will, " Buffy says, ashamedly.
" No, Buffy, I don't think you do" Willow replies, to Buffy's confusion, " You don't get it at all. When we were together, fighting side by side, you risked it all, and lots of times pulled our butts out of the fire. But, at least we felt like we helped, even in a small way. But... this time, you pushed us away. I know you think, or thought, you were doing the right thing. But the fact is , Buffy, you made us weak and useless. Do you get that?"
"Will, I didn't mean..." Buffy starts, but Will cuts her off.
" I know that. But you did, nonetheless. You made us believe you were dead. We all grieved over you. Do you know what it felt like to lose you...again? And knowing that all the time you were alive...god, that's why I went nuts at the hotel. Because I never believed you'd do it just to spite us. I know you better than that. I knew you were in some kind of trouble ... that's why I sought you out. I wanted to know what happened, so I could try to understand what you did. I do...up here, " Willow points to her head, " But here, " pointing to her heart, " I don't get it. Do you get it?"
Buffy stands silent, unmoving.
" You don't I guess, " Willow sighs. " You're my best friend, Buffy. I'd do anything in my power to help you, protect you, keep you in my life. Because you're my best friend. You mean so much to me. How can you just take that away from me?" Willow asks, " Don't you see? You took away something precious to me. I lost 10 years of you, because you didn't trust me enough to turn to me for help. But more, you took away the chance for me to help you, save you, like you've done for me, and for everyone. You took that from me, from all of us."
" I'm...sorry, Will" Buffy says, starting to cry. Not bothering to hide the tears now, " I didn't...I really didn't mean to."
" But you did. That's the problem, " Willow says, " I know you didn't mean to, but you did. Thing is, I understand why you did it, now. At least in my head. My heart's gonna take a little longer."
" Can... can you forgive me?" Buffy asks, almost a whisper.
" Dunno, have to think about it, " Willow says. Buffy's face falls, Willow continues, " Ok, thought about it. I guess I forgive you, if you stop the nonsense."
"Really?" Buffy asks, hopefully. Then the second part of the statement kicks in, " Nonsense?".
" I forgive you, if you stop being such a pigheaded moron and start letting me help you, " Willow says, gently.
Buffy lowers her head.
"I can't, Will", Buffy says, almost in a whisper, " I can't".
Willow loses her temper, " Goddess, Buffy ,what is wrong with you?" She says fiercely, but in a low tone, so not to disturb Joy. " I don't get you. Haven't you been listening to a word I said? Why won't you let me help you, Buffy?". Willow's face starts flushing in anger. She's about at her limit of tolerance. This being rejected hurts.
Buffy looks up, her eyes full of pain and sorrow. " I don't deserve help, Willow, " Buffy says, remorsefully. " Weren't you listening? I killed two men. Two humans. In cold blood. And I didn't feel a thing. No remorse, nothing. Don't you see?" Buffy says pleading with Willow, " I'm ... evil, Will. I... I deserve this." Buffy looks down, not wanting to meet Willow's eyes.
Willow goes to Buffy, and forces her to look at her. She gets right into Buffy's face, not letting her look away.
" Are you nuts? Evil? YOU? My god, Buffy. I'm not saying what you did was right... but you're not evil, not be any stretch," Willow says, forcefully," You... you lost control, Buffy. You saw the person you loved murdered by these... things. I can hardly think of them as human. You snapped, but you're not evil! Do you think they would've lost any sleep over their murders? Don't bet on it. But I know you lost sleep over what you did... and more."
" That doesn't matter, Will, " Buffy says, " I'm responsible. I did that."
" Yes, you're responsible, " Willow says quietly, " just like I'm responsible for killing Warren Mears," Will states, " I carry it every day, I took life. You're stuck with that now too. Goddess, that I could've spared you that, " Willow turns back to Buffy, " But the fact that you feel remorse, means you're hardly evil. Do you think I'm evil, Buffy?" Willow asks.
" Of course not, Willow" Buffy says, a little shocked, " that's absurd."
" Yet I killed Warren... in a more violent way than you killed those two men," Willow repeats, " I think you've punished yourself more than anyone else possibly could."
"It's what I deserve, " Buffy holds to her position.
" Does Joy deserve to be punished, too?" Willow asks, quietly.
Buffy jerks her head up. Willow looks at her with a stern expression.
" Of course she doesn't, " Willow answers her own question, " But you're punishing her too, don't you think?"
Buffy mutters angrily to herself, " I'm such a fuck-up".
Willow walks over, and slaps Buffy. Buffy looks at her , shocked. She rubs her face.
"God, Will...what was THAT one for?" Buffy complains.
" Stop it! Stop doing this ... this self pity thing. Stop it NOW!" Willow says, her irritation boiling over, " I'm not saying you didn't have it rough. You did. But for gods sake, stop cowering , stop running and fight back! This is not the Buffy I know. She doesn't... won't let people push her around. But you do, and it has to stop, now!".
" But.. but..." Buffy argues, " I have Joy. I gotta protect her! I ... I gotta keep her safe!".
" Buffy, you will, " Willow says, " You fought a God, to protect Dawn. You didn't back down, you didn't run..."
" Ummm... yes I did, remember?" Buffy says.
" To protect Dawn... but when Dawn was in danger... nothing , nothing on this earth or anywhere else would stop you, " Willow declares, " Stop running, and fight. I'll back you up... and I'll get Giles and the rest to back you up too."
" But how can I fight them, Willow? They're powerful, they've got more money ... more of everything...how can I fight them?"
"Cuz we'll fight them, too, " Willow says, " I'm not rich, Buffy... not like these people are, but I'm not poor, either. I'll spend what it takes to get it done. And Giles... he heads the Watcher's council. They... have lots of influence, You know that. You know Giles would do anything for you. Even if he'll probably want to kill you, " Willow smiles, " And Xander... he's been rather successful himself. I know I can get him to kick in..." Willow's smile turns to a smirk, " especially if I threaten to tell his wife about some of the things I know about him..."
"WILLOW!" Buffy exclaims, surprised, " You wouldn't, " Then a small grin tugs at the corner of her mouth, " would you?"
" Oh, you better believe it, missy" Willow says, her resolve face setting, " If he tries to give me any flack, look out, mister." She mumbles to herself, " teach him to steal my Barbie!"
Buffy sits, and feels like a huge rock has been lifted off her shoulders. She looks at Willow, and sees the woman who has meant so much to her looking at her as if expecting some kind of answer.
" I don't know what to say, Will, " Buffy says, her voice low and quiet, " It's too much to handle. I... feel like for the first time in a long time... I'm not so alone."
" You never were alone Buffy, " Willow says, also quietly, " not if you didn't want to be."
" Guess I was kinda... stupid, huh?" Buffy says.
" Oh yeah, " Willow replies.
" You're never gonna let me live it down, are you, Will?" Buffy says, a bit of her old self seeping through the cracks.
" Oh no, " Willow replies.
" You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" Buffy says, " the whole moral superiority thing?".
" You betcha, " Willow affirms. Then her tone changes, " But I think I would rather have enjoyed the last ten years being together".
" Yeah, " Buffy says, her voice sounding tight, " me too." She feels a sudden unease. Her mouth feels a little dry. She turns to Willow, and blurts out, " I've missed you terribly, Will ".
" I've missed you too, Buffy, " Willow says, her expression unreadable, " you're my best friend, even if a little bit of a moron".
" Right," Buffy says, then veers the conversation in a different direction, " So, ummm... is there anyone special in your life, Will?"
" Huh?" Willow replies, taken by surprise, " No... no one special, really, " Willow says, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. She looks at her watch, " Hey...look at the time. I better get going...it's getting late." What the hell are you doing, Willow? Running?
" Do you have to, Will?" Buffy says, in a small voice, " Go, I mean?".
Willow looks at Buffy, and can see the invitation in her eyes. For some reason, she's feeling panicky. That's one feeling she never expected to feel around Buffy.
" Uhhh... Buffy?" Willow says, her throat suddenly feeling like she swallowed cotton, " I think we're both tired, and need to rest. I'll... we'll talk tomorrow, ok?" Willow stands up and retrieves her purse." I'm glad we had this talk."
Buffy sighs," Ok, Will, " she says, clearly disappointed." Let me check in on Joy, and I'll walk you to your car."
" That's ok, Buffy," Willow says, feeling a need to escape, all of a sudden. What the hell is wrong with you, Willow?" It's not far..."
" This neighborhood isn't real good, Will, " Buffy says," I'll walk you to your car." Her tone says, don't argue.
" 'K, Buffy, " Willow says.
Buffy goes into Joy's room to check on her. Willow stands, wondering if she, Willow, has gone nuts. God, Willow, she practically threw herself at you, and you panicked like a virgin. What is wrong with you? You know you've wanted something like this ... forever... now that the moment is here, you're running!?!? It's just not right... not now. It... wouldn't mean anything now... I need it to...
Buffy returns, snapping Willow out of her thoughts.
" You ready?" Buffy asks
" Yup" Willow replies, now seeming to lose the power of speech, too.
The women leave the house, Buffy locking the door after her. They make their way down the walk, and Buffy slips her arm through Willows, taking Willow's hand in hers. They continue through the gate, and down the street, Willow feeling as nervous as the virgin being led to a sacrifice. Buffy picks up the vibe, and stops.
" Willow, what's wrong?" Buffy turns to Willow, her expression confused.
" Nothing.. nothing's wrong, Buffy, " Willow says, but her insides are slam-dancing.
Buffy looks intently at Willow, and evidently sees something wrong. She drops Willow's arm.
" Ok, Will, " Buffy says, trying to mask the hurt in her tone, " I get it."
" Buffy?" Willow says, confused. I don't get it... how does she ' get it ' ?
" Forget it, Will. My bad, " Buffy says, and that's all she says.
They walk to Willow's car in silence, neither speaking. They reach the car, and Willow starts digging in her purse for the keys. She suddenly feels Buffy's hand on her arm, and looks up. Buffy takes her in her arms, and kisses her. Willow freezes, her emotions going all over the map. Then all she is aware of is Buffy's lips on hers. The kiss ends suddenly, too suddenly.
" Oh...god. Will, I'm sorry...god" Buffy turns, and starts to run.
" Buffy... no... wait... BUFFY! " Willow calls out, but Buffy is already back at her porch, unlocking the door. Before Willow can move closer, Buffy closes the door behind her. Willow is more than surprised... yet not. In a way, she expected it, but she wasn't expecting her own reaction. Or Buffy's.
She sighs, and gets in the car.
=====================================================
Buffy, looking through the curtain, watches Willow's car pull away. She is a mass of confused emotions. She touches her lips, which had just touched Willows, and she feels an ache she hasn't felt in years. She feels hurt, and rejected, and confused. She doesn't understand her actions, or Will's reactions. Or maybe she does, and just doesn't want to admit it to herself.
She loves Willow... and Willow doesn't feel the same way. Crap.
She lets the curtain fall back in place, and starts to turn out the lights.
====================================================
To be continued in part 5