Encounter
by Norwalker
Part 5
[reviews]
Encounter
By Norwalker
Part 5 of
Summary: A little tale of Buffy and Willow post "Chosen" (like about 10 years after). Really don't like writing too much about the story in the summary, but it's been a long time since the old best friends have seen each other. What happens? Read on.
Rating: R probably for language, adult themes, and some sex stuff.
Category: It's Willow and Buffy... you gotta ask? Ok, Angst/Romance/Drama.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own the characters. I get nothing from this except the pure satisfaction of telling a story. Don't blame them if the story sucks.
Warning: Adult themes, suggested violence, sexual situations. Lovemaking between members of the same gender. Not for children... if you're ten, you really shouldn't be reading this!
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She felt the sweat cooling on her body; heard the sound of her lungs drawing air; and felt the beat of her feet on the pavement as she ran up the next hill.
Buffy ran through the temperate San Francisco morning, enjoying the cool air as it flowed against her face. She loved the runs in the morning, for a little while she could put aside her problems, her worries, and just enjoy how her body felt moving through the moderately cool air.
Since she'd returned with Willow to the Bay Area 6 months ago, Buffy had taken to hill running. Straight out jogging was not enough of a challenge for her; she liked pushing herself up the steep hills, feeling her lungs swell and contract with her breathing, the warm burn her muscles got conquering the hills. The exertion freed her mind, gave her a quiet sense of peace. It became her favorite part of the day; right after she'd drop Joy at school, she'd return home, don her running clothes, and go running. Usually she did 5 miles a day...up and down hills.
Buffy had to admit she loved the Bay area weather. So much nicer than the swampy, damp heat in New Orleans. Running there was truly a chore... you felt like you were running through a steam bath. Here the humidity was lower, the temperature was cooler, and the air , washed by the onshore flow from the bay, smelt clean with a hint of salt. Running here made her feel clean, purged. Better than she'd felt in a long while.
Joy was also doing well here. She loved her new school, and loved being so close to Willow. They'd hit it off like gangbusters; Willow was now " Aunt Willow", and Joy was always pestering Willow to show her stuff. Computer stuff, magic stuff. Despite her reservations, Buffy finally agreed to let Willow show Joy how to do a simple glamour . She was at least grounding her properly, explaining not only the spell, but why it worked, what it affected in the world around them, how magic itself was tied to the earth. Willow was making sure that Joy didn't fall into the same trap she'd fallen into when she had her addiction problem.
Buffy rested at the top of the hill, running in place to keep her leg muscles warm. She calmed her muscles and her heart, but her mind wasn't so easy to control this morning.
Despite all the good stuff that'd happened since Willow convinced her to come back, there was still a distance between them. Buffy had hoped that they'd be able to get past their wariness of each other, and get back to where they'd been before... close, confidential friends. But ever since that night in New Orleans, there'd been a wall between them. They could get just so close, then it would fall like a brick curtain, and an uneasy awkwardness would rise up. Things she wanted to say, feelings she wanted to express, were left untouched, pushed aside as if they would burn if either of them got too close.
C'mon, Buff. What'd you expect? It's not like it used to be, and it'll probably never be that way again. You disappeared from her life, all of their lives, and they moved on. The things you shared don't exist anymore. You're both different people now, so how can you expect her to just go back to what was? She has her own life now, a grown-up life, and it just doesn't include you. Not the way it used to.
She's been pretty damned generous with you, simply based on what you used to have. So, instead of crying over spilt milk, it's time to find your own way... you and Joy... and not worry over how Will feels about you. It's simple, girl. She hasn't forgiven you, not really, for just letting her think you were dead. Not deep down, not in her heart. She's still angry about it, and she's got a right to be. You shut her and everybody out... everybody who cared about you. So now you want back in... newsflash: You gotta earn your way back in. There's no easy way to go back home. It's step by step until you reach the front porch... then you've gotta knock.
You're really damned lucky to have her as much in your corner as she is. She's managed to smooth things over with Giles and Xander. They both are at least talking to you now. Dawn? That's a whole different story. I don't know if she's ever going to forgive me. I put her through a lot of levels of hell... she refused to hear my explanation... and who can blame her? She paid a hard price for my stupidity, and she's too angry now to forgive. I should've called, or let her know somehow I was alive... all of them. But it's too late now, I can only hope someday her curiosity and desire to see her niece will overcome her hostility towards me.
Buffy starts running downhill, but as fast as she runs, she can't escape her thoughts. I should be grateful for what I've got. At least Willow will speak to me, and is helping Joy and me. She's done more than I've got a right to expect. So why do I want more? Selfish much, Buffy? Oh yeah, always. Cuz I want her to look at me, and see me differently. I want so much more... and I don't deserve that. But it doesn't make the want, the ache, go away. It just makes it stronger, more poignant.
How can I tell her how I feel? How dare I even feel these feelings? I have no right, none at all. But without these feelings, I never would've made it til now. It was thinking of her, all those lonely, scary nights, that kept me going. Seeing her face, her eyes, her smile, kept me sane. Gave me the courage to face the next day, gave me the hope that someday things would be better. Would she believe me, even if I told her? Probably not. How could she? I never told her, in all the long years, how I felt about her.
She's been special every since I knew her. Since that first day back at Sunnydale High. I sensed right then that here was someone I could trust, I could tell anything, and she wouldn't judge me. She was so shy, so insecure. But as I watched her grow, she became so much more. She became confident, she became strong. She found someone to adore( Tara, of course) and her life seemed to be going on the right track. She was going to have it all, and I was happy for her( even if not so happy for myself).
And then, in one brief moment, by the mad chance, the laughing fates took it from her, and left her devastated. Tara was shot by that... Warren... and she died in front of her. She went insane with grief, and all the work she'd done to overcome her addiction went out the window. She nearly destroyed us all in her grief, her rage, her hatred of a world that would take her one light, her one joy away from her. I was so blind, so stupid. I tried to tell her life was worth living, that she'd get past it. It took Xander's simple wisdom; to accept her as she was, and to love her no matter what, to reach her. To bring her back from the edge.
But she was broken. An essential part of her was torn apart, and no one saw it. I'm the most to blame, because she was my best friend, I should've seen it. She needed not only our forgiveness; she needed us to believe in her again, trust her again. But we, and me especially, were too wrapped up in the First, and what was happening, to see that. It took Kennedy... god, that girl still gives me a queasy stomach ... to do that. I failed her, big time.
After that... well, was there really an after that? No... I pretty much ran away. Again. I thought, no, I knew that I couldn't tell her now what had happened to me, and how I felt about her. Because it had changed, even then. I realized that ... all too late... I loved her, and not as a friend, or as a sister. But she'd found Kennedy, and I lost. Deserved to lose because, lets face it, I'm an incredibly self involved woman who didn't see what was right in front of me all those years. Moron or idiot is too mild to describe me. Brain dead. Yeah, that works.
It's gotta be ironic that it took me going through my own personal hell to realize how much I had, and how much I lost. Pretty much, except for my sweet Joy, I've lost everything, and everybody who meant anything to me. Giles and Xander are trying hard, but lets face it, it's gone. Dawn? So gone, never to be revived. And Willow? God that's gotta hurt the most. Without her, I wouldn't be here... and now I've got to learn to live without her.
It's time, way past time, Buff. You know what you gotta do.
Buffy veers towards Willows. Her time for running is over. Time to face facts.
She doesn't notice her pace has slowed to a crawl.
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" I don't get it, Buffy. Why now?"
Buffy and Willow are in the living room. Joy is already asleep upstairs. All day Buffy has been looking for a way to tell Willow it was time she moved out, found a place of her own for Joy and herself.
"Because it's time, Will. Way past time, " Buffy says, quietly, " Look, Will. Don't even get it wrong. I'm so grateful for what you've done for me and Joy, I can't begin to tell you how much it's meant. But we can't stay here any longer Will. It's not right , and it's really not fair to you".
"Huh?" Willow says, truly clueless, " What're you thinking, cuz I don't get it!"
" Will... how can you have your life if Me and Joy are here all the time? Since we've been back, I haven't seen you go out with anyone. I haven't seen you go out, period. This is wrong, dead wrong. For some reason, you feel an obligation to us, to be here all the time. But, Will... much as I love it, I can't stand by and watch you put you're life on hold for me and Joy. There's so much you could be doing if we weren't here. It's so not fair to you that we're in your way." Buffy pauses, and takes another tack. " And, God, I feel like a leech. I mean, I'm working now, making decent money. Ok, a receptionists salary isn't like a fortune, but it's enough I can contribute. But you won't let me. I mean, you won't charge me rent, I've gotta twist your arm to let me pay for groceries, you glare at me when I offer to split utilities. I know you're trying to make things easier for me, Will, but I feel like I'm taking advantage".
" Oh yeah, and when Tara and I lived with you at your house in Sunnydale, you so charged us rent!" Willow says, " and you weren't making anything like I'm making, Buffy. I... lets face it Buffy, I'm very well off. I love having you and Joy here, so what's the deal? I want you to save your money so you can take care of Joy. You know...college, all the goodies. That's where your money should be going. Oh, and it so wouldn't hurt for you to spend a little on yourself, too, " Willow says, " I mean, when was the last time you bought yourself a new dress, or shoes...or anything? I mean, other than work clothes? Ya know, something ... fun?".
" Will, I'm not the clothes horse I used to be, things change, " Buffy says, " and anyway, that's off the point. The point is, Joy and I have taken up too much of your time and money. Time we start paying our way... or I pay our way, anyway."
" Buffy, you're reasons just aren't making sense," Willow says, " I mean, if you really want to pay something, fine, do it. If it'll make it better that you pay rent, or bills here, or something, ok. You're not being a 'leech', that's just silly, " Willow dismisses that argument, " And... as for my life. Well, Buffy, you know I'm not social butterfly girl. Never have been. Trust me, if I want to date, I'll date. With or without you here. So again, not an issue, " Willow reasons, " So, I'm stuck with... why now? Or even, Why?"
Buffy, her expression unreadable, doesn't answer Willow. She sits silently, as if she's debating what to say to convince Willow. A silence descends between them, it's not comfortable for either of them.
Willow is sensing that Buffy is holding back. Not telling her the real reason she wants to leave. But she's not going to make it easy for Buffy. Back when Buffy went to Cleveland, she sensed that Buffy had something she was holding back, not saying. She let her off the hook that time, and had 10 years to regret it. Even though she senses an uncomfortableness between them, she chalks that up to the long separation between them. They've grown apart, because they've lived vastly different lives. Still, she feels it's worth making the effort to find some way to get back to what they had, or at the very least, develop a new relationship. What she likes about Buffy, the things that attracted her to Buffy in the first place, hasn't changed. She hopes that Buffy doesn't think she's so radically changed that she can't find something of what they once had. Willow is convinced that whatever they're going through now is worth it; in the end it'll make for a stronger relationship between them.
Willow knows she's partly responsible for what's wrong between them. That night in New Orleans, when Buffy made it as clear as she was able that she wanted Willow... in more than a friendly way... well, she wasn't ready then. It was way too soon... the hurt, the other stuff, wasn't done. Ok, it's still not done, but it's getting better. But then, it would've just made things really awkward, really strange. Because Willow didn't want just... sex and/or comfort. Especially not with Buffy. It was a whole lot more she was looking for. Because Willow knew that somehow, if it were possible, she wanted to make Buffy and Joy a huge part of her life. But that meant they had to rebuild the trust lost between them, they had to rediscover what made the two of them, as friends, so special to each other. She didn't have a timetable as to when things would happen, but she knew she wanted them to happen. Maybe she wanted too much. She didn't know.
" Buffy, " Willow starts, but Buffy interrupts her
" Will, " Buffy says, then stops, realizing Willow wanted to speak.
Silence as both retreat a little. They look at each other as if not sure what to say, afraid to express what they really feel, fearing the other will be put off, or worse. Finally, Buffy breaks the silence.
" Will, this isn't going to work, is it?" Buffy says, resigned to having to tell the truth, " I think, maybe, it's too late in the day to make things better again."
Willow, feeling an icy fear in the pit of her stomach, replies, " Buffy, I don't understand, what're you saying?"
" I don't know how to explain it , Will." Buffy says, sighing a little, " I came to San Francisco hoping that somehow we'd be able to piece back together the friendship we once had." Buffy gets up, and starts pacing a little, " I guess it was foolish of me to think it could happen, after what I did. What we once had, Willow, was special beyond words. We trusted each other completely, cuz we knew that no matter what we said to each other, no matter what happened between us, we could count on each other. Our bond was strong enough to survive the fights we had, because we... loved each other. As friends. We knew we were better off together than apart."
" Well, yeah, we were best friends, Buffy" Willow said, " I believe we're still better together than apart, don't you?"
" I wish I could believe that, Will, " Buffy says, regretfully, " but that bond we had is broken. My fault, but it's the truth. Thing is, it was breaking before I disappeared, Willow."
" That's crazy talk, Buffy," Willow insists, " We were still friends when you... well, you know".
" Is it, really, Willow?" Buffy says, " Think about it. When you came back from England... no, before that. When you were getting addicted to magic, was I there for you, really? No, I was so wrapped up in what happened to me, that I didn't see you were quickly spiraling out of control. I ... made excuses for you, let you twist while I tried to figure out if I wanted to live or die. I wonder even if I cared about anybody but me at that point? I surely didn't act like it."
"Well, I wasn't exactly support-o girl, either, Buffy" Willow protests, " I was so thinking I was right about everything, that I had all the answers, that I wanted everything to be just as I wanted it, that I didn't exactly get that pulling you out of heaven (when I found out) was traumatic to you. Instead of trying to get you to see that life was good, I wanted to make you forget you'd ever been there... and that screwed things up in a major way. I lost Tara over it, and I lost my moral compass. I went beserk-o, and it took almost killing Dawn to pull me back."
" Oh, god, Dawn, " Buffy says, remorsefully, " I so screwed up. She's never going to forgive me".
" Buffy, she's very hurt, " Willow says, trying to comfort Buffy, " Give her time. She'll come around."
" I don't think so , Will. I think I've really lost her, " Buffy says, resignedly, "And I fear, I've lost you too."
Willow looks bewildered. That doesn't make sense to her at all.
" Will, it was more than just that. When you lost Tara, went insane, did I try to understand what you were feeling? Try to reach you on a human level? I didn't...I'm not sure I could've. Not because you weren't reachable, but because I simply didn't get it. It took Xander, never one mistaken for Mr. Sensitivity, to get it. That you needed someone to hold onto while you're world went to hell. To love you unconditionally, without reserve. Because it hurt so much, you were drowning. Xander threw you the lifeline. It should've been me."
" Buffy, " Willow starts, but Buffy holds up her hand.
" No, Will. There's no excuse. When you came back , the one thing you needed, we all failed to give you. All you're friends let you down. It took Kennedy to see what you needed. And it was so simple. All you needed was one of us to say to you, and mean it "We trust you. You're still Willow, we believe in you". It would've been so easy to relieve your pain. And I failed to do it."
" Buffy, now stop, " Willow says, firmly, " It wasn't like you were skipping around going la — la — la. You were fighting what was probably the greatest threat you've ever faced. And trying to save a bunch of girls from certain death. And save all your friends from certain death. Not exactly like my problem was a priority."
" But that's exactly it, Will, " Buffy counters, " it was a priority. We never would've defeated the First without your powers. You never would've used your powers, but for what Kennedy gave you; your sense of self worth, your belief in yourself. And it should've been me, your best friend, that did that. Don't you see that? I failed you big time, and nearly got us all dead because of it."
" God, Buffy," Willow says, " Do you ever give yourself a break? With everything going on, how can you expect yourself to see everything, do everything?".
" Even IF I bought that excuse, Willow, that doesn't excuse why I didn't do it earlier, when you first got back, " Buffy says, " I should've seen it then, acted on it. But I was scared Will, because I didn't realize that you had that kind of power, and that you... had that kind of darkness in you. And yes, I was angry, because you nearly killed all of us, but more, angry with myself because I failed to see the darkness taking you. What you needed was acceptance, and love, and trust, and I failed you. I became remote, because I couldn't deal. I let you down then, and I continued to let you down."
" Buffy, stop!" Willow says, her anger rising, " I killed a human, I turned on my friends and attacked them, then, just for giggles, I nearly destroyed the world. I deserved a lot harsher treatment than I got. I should be in prison. But did I go?" Willow asks, not really waiting for a response, " No. Why? Because these friends of mine loved me enough to try to rehabilitate me. Not throw me away. I shoulda crawled back on my hands and knees asking for forgiveness, but you guys tried to just accept me. I know ... it could've been better, all around. Including me. But it was a damned sight better than I deserved!"
" Yet, after putting you through hell, you treated me better than I deserved, " Buffy said, quietly.
" That was different, you had reasons..." Willow protested.
" But you didn't know that. You just told me how I hurt you, all of you... then what did you do? You forgave me, and gave me the help I needed. "
" Well, yeah, " Willow says, " that's what friends do, right."
" My point exactly. I didn't tell you, after you came back from England, that you scared me, hurt me. Instead, I shoved you away. Do you see the difference? Instead of confronting you, forgiving you, and giving you what you needed, I withdrew. I denied you what you needed most. How good a friend does that make me?"
Willow shakes her head. It's like arguing with a piece of steel.
"It wasn't until after we defeated the First, and Sunnydale was destroyed, that I finally took stock of my life, Willow." Buffy continues, " I reviewed my failures and successes, and thought about what really was important in my life. What meant the most to me."
" It was then I realized some things. First, that my friends and family WERE priorities, that now that I was finally free of being THE Slayer, I could concentrate on making them first priority. That there was nothing more important to me in this world, and that above all, I had to keep them safe, and do my best to insure their happiness."
" But, don't be getting all protective of me, because there was a strong selfishness in there too. I wanted to be happy, too. To have a life with someone I cared for, loved. But we know the history of my love life. Inevitably it crashes and burns. I had to figure out why, what I needed to do to make myself to really be ready to love, and be loved, " Buffy pauses, trying to frame her words carefully." What I discovered, Will, was that in all of it, I wasn't being honest with myself. I thought I really understood what our relationship was, what you meant to me, all of it."
" But not until I lost most everything I had in the world, did I realize what was most important to me," Buffy continues quietly.
" I thought it was Spike. I really believed that I could love him. But he was a lot smarter than me. He told me straight out, the last time I saw him, the truth. I told him, as I watched him dying, that I love him. Do you know what he said to me?" Buffy asks Willow, waiting for her reply.
" You never told me this, Buffy, " Willow says.
"He said, " No you don't, but thank you for saying it". I was ... upset, to say the least. How dare he think he knew my mind, my heart, better than I did?" Buffy grins ruefully, " but he did. He knew exactly that I didn't love him. I had affection for him, I grieved when he died. But I didn't love him, I couldn't love him."
Willow nearly stops breathing, waiting for Buffy to continue.
" Thing is, Willow. He died, and I survived it. It hurt, and I grieved losing him, " Buffy says." Not until I had time to really look at my life, did I realize that I didn't love him. Not that way. I could accept his death, and live on. No, there was only one person that, if I lost them that day, I think I would've stopped living," Buffy walks over to Willow, and crouches by her chair. " See, thing is, she'd always been there for me when I needed her, " Buffy says, " even when we fought, she and I, we knew that we'd find some way to get past it. Over the years we were together, I hadn't realized it, but my feelings for her changed. Deepened. Maybe that's why when she came back from England, I became remote. Because I realized that she hurt me so badly, scared me so badly, that I was afraid to get close again. I felt guilt because I didn't know her well enough to touch that place inside, that human place, to stop her from killing us all, " Buffy says, her voice distressed. " Most importantly, it wasn't until I was forced to think of my life, and how I was going to face the future, did I realize she was my heart, my breath, all the things that I needed to live. And I threw it away, because she loved someone else."
Willow sits silently, so nervous and upset her fingernails were digging into her palms. She didn't know what to say.
" So, realizing that once again, I failed to see what was right there in front of my eyes, until it was too late, I decided I had to leave, go somewhere else. Get far away so I could try to live without her, try to make a life for myself, " Buffy says, " so, on the pretext that my destiny was being a slayer, I moved to Cleveland."
" Buffy," Willow says softly.
" Shhh, Will. I was a fool, I know, " Buffy says, regretfully, " but you really loved Kennedy, and I wanted you to be happy. I ... I was afraid I'd screw things up if I stayed, so better I was far away." Buffy gets up, afraid of what she's feeling... or being too close to Willow, " When you broke up, I should've come to you, as a friend. Problem was, there was a major conflict in my feelings. I didn't trust myself, Will. I was afraid I'd take advantage of you, when you were so vulnerable. So, I stayed away."
Moron Willow sighs to herself, you total moron, Buffy.
" Then I met Jim. You know I feel in love with him because he reminded me so much of you. Not only in looks, though that didn't hurt. But also because he had that same sweetness, that same... I saw a lot of you in him, Will. I really loved him, Will, and I was ready to make a life with him. I couldn't have you, Will. That's what I believed, so I took the next best thing."
"After I lost him, Willow, I just ceased caring about myself anymore. I only ... the only thing I wanted was to have my baby, protect her, keep her safe, " Buffy says, " Joy was the only thing I had left, I felt. God, please don't look at me like that, Will. I couldn't involve you , any of you, but especially YOU. Do you think I could've lived if something happened to you, too? I had to disappear, Willow. I had to keep you out of it, all of you. I couldn't, wouldn't endanger you."
" But there was a price. I no longer wanted to be Buffy Summers, " Buffy said, " Without you, without my family, friends, there was nothing left for Buffy Summers. I became Elizabeth Price, and tried to forget my old life. Tried to make my life keeping my baby safe, and keeping ahead of the assholes that wanted to hurt me and her. I wanted Buffy to die, once and for all."
" But it didn't work, " Buffy says, " because I couldn't let you go. I tried, really tried to put you out of my mind. I destroyed any pictures or mementos I had of us. I tried to erase you and couldn't. A lot of nights, long , lonely nights when I was so tired of being scared, so tired of running, so tired, that I just wanted to die... it was you that kept me alive. Thinking of you, knowing you were out there somewhere, hopefully happy, gave me the hope to carry on, the courage to make it to the next day. Even though I never expected to see you again, still you saved me."
"When I saw you come into that café I worked at, I panicked. I tried my best to hide from you. " Buffy admits, " because I didn't want you to see what I'd become. I wanted you to keep thinking I was dead. I wanted you to remember me as I was. Not what I'd become. Then, something stepped in, and caused me to run into you. If not for that little encounter, we might have passed each other, never talking to each other again. I guess that wasn't the way things were supposed to be."
" I don't know what to say, Buffy," Willow says, trying to sort out the confusing emotions playing hell with her, " What do you want me to say?"
Buffy looks at her, sadly," I really don't need for you to say anything, Will. I don't expect you to feel the same way. I got that in New Orleans. But the thing we always had, Will, was we could tell each other what we felt. Or, at least I thought we could," Buffy leans against her chair, looking over at Willow," Maybe that's changed. We've been apart so long, maybe we can't tell each other everything anymore," Buffy sighs, and then sits, " I know that since I've been here, there's been a... separation between us, a wall of some kind. I can feel it, can't you?" She asks.
"Yes," Willow answers, " I can feel it too".
Buffy nods, " I thought so. I know you have things you feel you can't tell me. I ... I've been holding this in, because I've been afraid to bring it up, after what happened in New Orleans. I guess I didn't want to face that maybe you didn't feel like I feel. It's been making it rough on you and me, and even Joy senses something's wrong. She asked me if I'm mad at you, and I have to assure her no, I'm not mad at you. Then she asks if you're mad at me, and I tell her that no, you're not mad at me. Then she asks why're we acting so funny? I don't have an answer. Isn't it great that sometimes kids can just cut right through it?" Buffy shakes her head in wonder.
" Maybe they don't have all the bs to wade through that we have, " Willow says, ruefully.
" So that's the deal, Will. I know... what I'm feeling is real. I ... I've tried to tell myself that it's not real, that after all this time it's not the same, I can't feel this way, " Buffy says, "but I can't explain why I feel the way I feel around you. I'm like happy and sad at the same time. I'm nervous, and buzzed. When you're in the room my whole focus seems to be on you. I can't think straight. I make little excuses to get away from you, so I can breathe again, then I make other excuses to be with you, cuz I feel lost when you're not around. I can't concentrate on things, my mind keeps drifting back to you. I think about things I shouldn't think about..." Buffy says, but Willow cuts her off.
" Buffy, don't... please" Willow says, rising, " Don't say anything more."
"Yeah, you're right, " Buffy says, putting up her defenses, "It's kinda dumb to go on about it. Just that, I know I'm uncomfortable, and I know I'm making you uncomfortable. It's all different now, I gotta get that through my thick skull. But that's why I can't stay , Will. Being around you, feeling this way, just ...." But Buffy doesn't get a chance to finish.
Willow is kneeling by Buffy's chair, and she takes Buffy's face in her hands. Amusement seems to be fighting bemusement in her expression, as she tries to keep a straight face.
" Buffy, why do we have to keep torturing ourselves like this?" Willow asks, a small grin breaking her otherwise serious demeanor," Yeah, we're different alright, but it sure hasn't made us any smarter," She says, ruefully.
"Huh?" is all Buffy can manage, as having Will hold her face is rather confusing her, on so many levels.
Willow can't help smiling, " Buffy, you dolt. I have feelings for you too... hell, I've had them major league for a long time. Why do you think I kinda went to pieces when you went missing? Why do you think I spent a year looking for you? Why do you think I never gave up hope, no matter how dim, that you'd come back, alive? Even though my brain said no way? You think I'm alone cuz I gotta be?" Willow asks, mock insulted, " Hey, I'm still pretty hot, ya know." She'll get no argument from Buffy on that point, " Think maybe I was still hoping against hope, against all reasonable odds, that you and me could be something? Maybe, when I was looking( I'm faithful, not a nun, honey), I couldn't find anyone who could come close to you? Think that might be a reason?" Willow looks at Buffy, her eyes bright and amused, and her smile firmly in place.
"Ummm... Ummm..." Buffy says, totally confused now, and loving it. So loving the way Willow's thumbs are caressing her cheeks. So loving Willow smiling at her. So just... loving it.
" That's my Buffy. Sweet girl, not too bright" Willow mocks lightly.
" Hey!" Buffy says, indignant." I'm not a dummy."
" No, you're not. So I'd really appreciate if you'd stop acting like one!" Willow says, gently chiding her.
" Is this how you sweet talk you're dates?" Buffy says, rising to the occasion, " You should work for Dr. Phil".
" I wouldn't bother with my 'dates', as you say, " Willow says, " I talk like this to the people I care about. Like you."
" Oh, " Buffy says, her lips forming a definitely kissable "O". Doing cute things while I'm making a point is so not fair, Willow thinks.
" Buffy, honey," Willow says, her voice softening, " When... well, when you ...ok, admit it, you came on to me... I wasn't ready, baby. The hurt was still to fresh, the wounds still too raw. What you did really hurt, though I know you were just trying to protect me, all of us. It still hurt. Do you think I like that you were out there , all alone, feeling like there was no one you could turn to? When I realized you were alive, the first thing that went through me was incredible joy... then the hurt slammed into me because I felt deserted. That you didn't give a damn about us. That really hurt, and I tried to hurt you back. When I found out why, I was relieved... and hurt again. Why? Because you thought we were so weak, so useless, that we couldn't help you. It was like back in high school. You go out and fight the monsters, and Willow looks up stuff on the 'Net. Ok, back then really not into swinging swords. But hey, Buff, if ya haven't noticed, I've changed. For a long time, been changed." Willow lets go of Buffy's face, knowing she has her attention. Buffy whimpers a little, hating the break in contact. Willow takes her hands instead.
" What you gotta remember, sweetie," Willow says, gently, " is that when people care about each other, they help each other. That doesn't just mean that " Buffy protects Willow", though, don't get me wrong, I love it. It also means that " Willow protects Buffy". I need that Buffy. I really do. I need to know that when you're hurting, you'll come to me, depend on me to make the boo-boo better. It can't just be a one way street honey."
Buffy's lip starts to quiver, and tears start to brim in her eyes, " Will ... I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel useless, ever!" Buffy lets a little sob out.
" Stop that, Buffy, or we'll both be bawling soon" Willow says, wiping away her tears, " I don't want you to cry, or be sad. I know you didn't mean it, I'm just telling you what I felt." Willow pauses, catching her breath, which seems to be a little short, " Buffy, I do care about you. Loads. I ... want us to have something, something more. Something special, " Willow says," I... need more, though, Buffy."
" I don't understand?" Buffy says, confused.
Willow looks down, then looks up a Buffy, shyly. " A girl likes to be wooed, Buffy," She says softly. Her eyes sparkle in the light. Her lips are so teasingly tempting. She stands up, and moves away a little. " A girl likes to be chased a little. Let's her know she's important," Willow smiles at her , and turns... starting to walk out of the room. She pauses at the doorway, and looks back over her shoulder at Buffy. A small, seductive smile is on her lips. " So, woo me Buffy, " Willow says, her voice low, throaty, " Chase me a little. Make me feel important"
She touches her fingers to her lips, and blows a kiss to Buffy.
She leaves Buffy sitting there, imagining the possibilities.
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To be continued?