More pieces to her puzzle
by Norwalker
Chapter 2
[reviews]
More pieces to her puzzle
By Norwalker
Part 2 of 4
Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.
Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are possible spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).
Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.
Warnings: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.
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The next two weeks are spent packing Buffy to move back to San Francisco. Even though she's started to make a life here, Buffy agrees that San Francisco is, for obvious reasons, a better choice for their 'home'.
Home, our home, Buffy thinks to herself, I never would've thought I'd say that. She pinches herself again, trying to convince herself that this is really happening. She and Willow, together. I wanted this for so long, wished for it, prayed for it. Now it's happening, it's really happening, and I'm ... I just can't believe it's happening. I'm nervous and happy and weepy and crazy. God, Willow looks at me sometimes like I've lost my mind. I kinda guess I have lost it. But over her. She makes me crazy happy. She doesn't even know how happy she makes me! Buffy hugs herself. She's feeling like a schoolgirl... and is loving it to death. She finds herself getting weepy again, but with happy tears.
Willow enters the room. She's carrying a big box, and is grumbling just a little.
" I swear, Buffy, haven't you heard of packing light?" Willow complains, " And why aren't you carrying something to the truck? We're never going to finish this if you just ...." Then she notices Buffy standing there, crying. Concerned, she sets down the box she's carrying, and goes over to Buffy. " Buffy, honey? What's up? What's the matter?" Willow says, putting her arms around Buffy.
" Wrong? God, nothing's wrong!" Buffy says." Everything is just so right!". She lifts Willow, and begins to twirl her around." Everything's wonderful, and you're the most wonderfullest of all" Buffy says, twirling the surprised Willow in circles.
" Buff! Buffy! " Willow says," You're going to get dizzy. Heck, you're gonna get ME dizzy!" Willow exclaims, but she's giggling all the while. She's fantastically happy, and a major part of that happiness is seeing Buffy so happy. She can't remember when Buffy was just so... free. As if nothing were weighing her down, or worrying her. She's never seen Buffy laugh so much as in the last two weeks, and just be so spontaneous. Every day she's finding herself more and more in love with this incredible little blonde, and every day she's finding herself happier and happier.
" Buffy! Please, stop!" Willow giggles, " please, before we have a pukeapalooza ! Goddess, Buffy, I'm so gonna hurl if you don't' stop!" Buffy, laughing, does stop... but the sudden shift causes them both to get woozy, and they fall to the floor, Willow on top of Buffy. They're giggling and laughing like kids, when suddenly the laughter stops. They look into each other's eyes, and Buffy pulls Willow into a warm soft kiss. Little sighs and murmurs happen as the kiss lengthens. Buffy runs her hands up under Willows shirt, and Willow starts to wriggle a little bit, loving the hands, but knowing they got to get back to work.
" Buffy...c'mon Buffy, we gotta get this stuff done. We gotta get packed... baby? Oh...mmmm... 'k ... just a lil more" Willow sighs happily, as Buffy's hands do their magic on her. We gotta stop this... we've got so much to do... oh...that feels so...hmmm... work ... gotta get back to work now. We'll never get done if we keep taking so many sex breaks... oh god how does she do that????? uhhhhhhhhh... where we going? Goddess, don't stop NOW Buffy... oh...no... she's carrying me into bedroom...
" Buffy" Willow protests weakly, " We don't have time to do this now... the ... stuff... we gotta... ohhhhh... mmmm...." Willow is silenced by Buffy kissing her intently, and after that, she's lost. Buffy carries her into the bedroom, and kicks the door closed after her.
Later, much later, they two women lie naked, sweaty and exhausted on the bed. The room smells of sex , and both are drowsing in the soft afterglow of lovemaking. Willow snuggles close to Buffy, laying her head on Buffy's shoulder. She inhales the heady mixture of Buffy's vanilla orange scent combined with her sexual musk. Feeling naughty, sated and very content, Willow nods off into a light sleep.
Buffy is lying on her back, feeling sated and content. She loves the feel of Willow's warm body pressed against her, her unique scent, and the way Willow makes her feel. Sighing a soft sigh. She starts to drift off, letting the warm feelings wrap her like a cocoon. She can't remember when she's been this happy; maybe never. Oh, Will, I love you... I love you, I love you... are her last thoughts before she sleeps.
In her sleep, the voice comes to her. The voice that haunts her, makes her cringe. Its far away at first, almost inaudible. But it gets closer, closer and she begins to hear what it's saying. She opens her eyes, and is in a dark room, the only light being a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. It's the attic in her old home in L.A. She feels the fear rush in. This is the bad place... the place she's sent when she's badly behaved. She doesn't remember being naughty, but she must've been, because she's here. Only bad girls come here, and she's here. She must be a bad girl.
Bad... you've been bad, Buffy the voice tells her. It's deep and masculine and angry.
No, no, I've been good! I haven't... I wasn't naughty! Buffy protests. She knows what happens to bad girls.
I can smell your wickedness, girl! Don't lie to me! I can see how evil you've been! The voice booms at her. You stink of it!
Please... I didn't mean to be bad. I wanna be good! Please! Buffy pleads with the voice. I wanna be good. Please, don't make me... don't punish me again!
You can't help it, I know The voice says, almost kindly, You were born wicked and bad. But you've got to fight your nature. You've gotta try to be good. And when you're bad, there's only one way to repent. You know that.
I don't ... please, I don't wanna ... don't make me! Buffy whimpers. She tries to curl up into a ball, hide away from the voice.
Bad girls must be punished. You know that. Bad girls must be punished. Punished. So they can be good. It's time. You need to be punished. You're bad, you've got to be punished. Bad girls must be punished... must be punished... must be punished...
"Must be punished, must be punished" Buffy mumbles, almost inaudibly. Her eyes open, and she sees Willow still sleeping, deeper now as she's snoring her cute little snore. Buffy looks at her, with longing and shame. She wants to stay here, cling to her. Hide from the voice behind her. But she can't. Slowly, quietly she slips herself from under Willow. She gently lowers Willow onto the bed. For a moment she just sits there, looking down on her, her heart full of love. She covers her with the sheet so she won't get cold, then gets up and starts for the bathroom.
Willow, despite her slumber, feels Buffy moving. She half opens her eyes and sees Buffy walking towards the bathroom. She smiles at how the afternoon light seems to glow around her, making her even more beautiful in her eyes. She calls out softly to her lover.
" Buffy...what's up? Where you goin'? Sooo cold here without you baby" Willow playfully whimpers, hoping to lure the small blonde back into bed. Buffy turns and smiles.
"It's ok, Baby. Just gotta pee... I'll be right back" She lies convincingly.
" 'K " , Willow pouts, " Just hurry back. Need my snuggling". Willow drops back to sleep.
Buffy stops for a second, looking at the woman she loves sleeping so sweetly in their bed. Her heart aches. Then she turns, knowing if she doesn't go now, she won't... and things will be worse. She walks into the bathroom.
Standing by the sink, she stares into the mirror. But she doesn't see a grown woman looking back at her. She sees a child, a frightened seven year old, staring back. Frightened because she knows what's coming. She knows, and she wants to run. But she's a bad girl... and bad girls must be punished.
Buffy quietly closes the door to the bathroom.
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" I don't get it, Buffy... why?" Willow asks. She has that particular look only Willow can have, a surprised, hurt, slightly angry look. She wasn't at all pleased with what she was hearing.
She and Buffy were sitting by the big bay window in her living room. They'd been back in San Francisco for just about a week, and had finally managed to get things sort of squared away. Buffy's 'essentials' were added to the household; the rest had been stored away at one of those lock it yourself storage places nearby.
They'd done some 'touristy' stuff, the kind of things residents usually don't get to do. Fisherman's Wharf, Alcatraz, the bay cruise for the Golden Gate Bridge, riding the cable cars, all the things the 'natives' look down on, because of course it's blasé for them. But they had a blast doing it, not caring if they looked like hicks or not. And of course when Buffy found that Neiman-Marcus was truly close by, she was in love. So much shopping, so little time.
They decided that today they were just going to kick back, enjoy each other's company, and essentially talk about their new life. In the rush to move Buffy back to California, and all the attendant details, they hadn't had time to really discuss where they go from here. They had no ' big plan' for their life together; they just knew they wanted it to be together.
So, of course when the conversation turned to when and how they would tell their friends, Willow was full of plans. She was thinking, party. Inviting the scoobies and others for a reunion, of sorts, and announcing it then. Buffy, on the other hand, had other ideas. Ideas that weren't going down so well with Willow.
" Will, it's not like I don't EVER want to tell them, " Buffy protested, seeing the look on Willow's face, " its... well, it's all new to me, you know? I mean... Will, I'm not even 'out' yet... Geeze, I didn't even know I was 'in'. I'm still kinda getting used to being in love with another woman. "
" Used to? Is it like... medicine?" Willow says, not able to entirely hide her feelings. This is so unexpected for her. She was so convinced that Buffy would want to tell the world about their relationship. Now she's getting these weird vibes from Buffy... as if she were... ashamed? ... of her feelings for Willow. Like it was something to hide.
"Will, that isn't what I mean. You know that, " Buffy says, " it's just that ... well, I'm still ... confused about myself, my feelings, all of this. You're the first woman I've loved. I mean, loved romantically. Do you get it? I'm not like ready yet to define myself as ' gay'. I don't know what I'm about, really."
" Buff, I'm not asking you to like go out and announce it to the world, you know, " Willow replies, " I just want to tell our friends. It helps to have the support of friends and family, you know."
"And we're going to tell them, Will, I promise, " Buffy declares, " I just need more time to figure this out... to figure the 'us' out".
Willow looks at her quizzically, " I still not getting it, Buffy, " Willow says, " Do you love me?"
" Of course I love you, Will" Buffy says, without hesitation.
" Ok, and I love you, too, " Willow says.
Buffy smiles, and reaches for Willow's hand, but Willow draws it back.
" So, what's to figure, Buffy?" Willow asks, " I love you, you love me, right? Why shouldn't we tell everyone?".
" Will, I'm just not ready yet, " Buffy says," I mean, what about Xander? You know how he can be... especially when it comes to anyone I'm with...and Giles? What if he... gets weird? And I know for a fact your parents aren't all that fond of me..."
"Buffy... that's a big... so what?" Willow retorts, " I mean, sure it'd be nice if they accept it, but who cares really what they think? I mean, it's your life and my life... not their lives... am I right?"
" Yes, " Buffy says, " but you just said it's... well, easier with friends and family onboard. What if their not?"
" Then they're not. We'll get by. What does it matter?" Willow says, eyeing her with an odd expression.
"What?" Buffy asks, catching the look, " What?!"
" You're lying to me, Buffy, " Willow says, firmly.
"Huh?" Buffy asks, puzzled.
" You're lying !, " Willow says, a red flush creeping up her neck, " It's not because of you're getting used to being gay, or not gay, or whatever. It's ... you're ashamed of me! You're ashamed to let anyone know you're with me!"
"That's so not true!" Buffy protests, " Where'd you get that idea?"
"What about your friends in Chicago, Buffy?" Willow asks, " When you introduced me to them, it was as your 'friend'. Not your lover!".
" I just thought it'd be easier that way... less confusing. They're a pretty conservative bunch" Buffy replies, switching tactics " If I'm ashamed of you, how come when we go out I'm the one doing all the affection things? Like kissing and holding hands. Don't' see me backing off that, do you?"
"Those are strangers, Buffy. There's no risk with strangers, " Willow says, " But when it comes to friends, you're backing off. Why? Doesn't make sense, Buffy, unless the idea of me being your lover really is embarrassing you."
"That's just nuts, " Buffy snaps, " You've got it all wrong!"
"Oh, do I?" Willow rejoins, " then why're you trying to keep our relationship a big secret? Huh? Answer me that!"
"Because I'm not ready! I need more time!" Buffy yells, frustrated and cornered.
"Ok, Buffy," Willow says, her face hardening, her voice growing soft and frosty, " I can understand that. you need more time. Maybe we did rush too quickly into this," She stands up, and walks away from the table. She says, over her shoulder, " I think, maybe, you should take your things out of my bedroom, and use one of the others. Until you're sure about what you want."
"Will, no...please, baby, " Buffy begs, realizing she's on the edge of blowing it, " I...please, just need a little more time?"
"Take all the time you need, Buffy, " Willow says, her tone neutral, " figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. But I'm thinking we shouldn't be together, not until you know what you really feel. Maybe you're not really feeling love... but that's for you to figure out, right?" Without another word, she walks out of the room.
Buffy sits, as if frozen, watching her leave. She can't believe what happened, how it flew out of control so quickly. She knows she should fly after her, beg her to forgive her. But she can't. She knows it won't happen.
Because she doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Because you're bad, Buffy.
She doesn't deserve Willow. She hates you, Buffy. Because you're bad, you're dirty, you're ... nothing but a whore. A filthy slut.
She doesn't deserve to be happy. You ruin everything you touch. You make it bad, like you. You're bad, a bad girl. And you know what bad girls need.
I don't mean to be bad. That doesn't matter. You're bad, and you know what that means!
Please, it hurts. I hate it. Please don't make me! You need to do it. You need to be punished. It's the only way to get clean, to atone. You gotta do it, Buffy.
She'll find out. She'll know. She'll know what I am. You think she doesn't know? Why do you think she turned away from you, Buffy? You disgust her.
No, that's... wrong. She loves me, I know she does. She loves me! How could anyone love filth like you? Angel found out what you were, and left you. So did Riley. Spike died to get away from you. You're nothing, worse than nothing. How could she love you? How could anyone love you?
Buffy falls to her knees, looking up at someone who isn't there. I'm bad. I need to be punished. Yes
Will you love me if I'm punished? She implores silently, Please love me!
She gets no answer
Please. Say you'll love me If I do it, if I punish myself.
But the voice is silent.
She stands up. She looks even smaller than usual, her eyes wide in fear, her face frightened. She looks around, but sees no one to comfort her, no one to help her. She moves towards the coat rack, and takes down her coat.
Please, please. Say you love me. Please!!!
It's silent, inside and outside her head.
Looking sad, a small frown on her face, she walks to the front door, opens it, and leaves.
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Willow sits upstairs on the edge of her bed, staring into space.
It hurts, really hurts when you put your heart out there, opening it up to someone you love... only to feel it trampled, kicked and squashed.
Overdramatic much, Will? Ok, maybe that's a bit weepy, but it hurts to think that Buffy is ashamed of me. I mean, what else can it be? Why doesn't she want to tell everybody about us? Or even, anybody? I know she doesn't think I'm ugly. I don't think she does, anyway. And I don't sit and stare into space and drool. I don't eat with my fingers, and make slurping noises, so what is it? Why do I embarrass her? It's gotta be because I'm a girl. I mean, she's gotta be freaked being in love with another woman. That's the only thing I can figure. But why? I'm not like asking her to get all butched up for me , or like go marching in the Pride Parade, so what's the deal? Maybe she's hung up on the label. " Gay", "Lesbian", goddess their only words. It doesn't mean anything, really. Maybe she's only like, doing her experimenting late... you know what I mean? Maybe I'm just kinda... oh god.
Now I know how Tara felt! She was scared I was just experimenting with being gay... and now I'm thinking the same thing about Buffy. A whole mountain of guilt drops down on Willow's shoulders. Goddess, what I put her through... first with Oz, then not telling the scoobies about her. And she just accepted it. Let me find my own time. The only time we fought about it was that day... when she got brain-sucked by Glory. She was afraid my feelings for her weren't real... now I'm doing the same to Buffy. Except I'm not even giving Buffy a break. I'm giving her grief because she's a little scared. Oh, you're good, Willow. You're REAL good. Don't you remember how it was for you? Sure I loved Tara with all my heart; living without her in my life was ... just mind-blowing. But I was so afraid to tell my friends about her. I mean, what would they think of me? How would they treat her and me? Would they even accept a 'her and me'? I was wrong, so wrong. But that doesn't make it any easier, any less real.
You're such a hypocrite, Willow. Going all ballistic over the very same thing you did to Tara. She came after me, not visa versa. She reached out, she wanted more. So it's not like she doesn't love me. God, I'm being such a jerk-o about this. I mean, she's been my best bud for ... god, forever! She wouldn't want to hurt me. What's wrong with me? God, I got the best girl in the world, and I keep trying to throw her away, over stupid pride stuff. What the heck do I care when we tell the others? I mean, really, totally stupid. Poor baby's all alone down there, probably thinking I hate her. I gotta go down. Let her know it's ok, we'll work it out.
Getting up, feeling more than a little ashamed of herself, Willow hurriedly goes downstairs to repair the damage she caused to their relationship. Does this ever get easier? She wondered to herself. Or do we just go through life clueless?
When she gets downstairs, she finds the living room deserted. She goes from room to room, but Buffy isn't around. She must've gone out Willow thinks to herself. Probably to cool off. Stupid, Will. Real stupid. Well, just gotta wait til she gets back, then.
Sitting on the couch, Willow settles down to wait.
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Buffy stands in the small dark room, surrounded by her stuff. She flips on the overhead light
The single bulb barely illuminates the center of the room. She walks to the center, and looks down at herself. Stripped of clothing except for her panties and bra , she inspects the bruises and cuts on her body. She shudders a little as she touches this place, or that.
Oh no... too much... way too much. What'm I gonna tell Will? She'll be suspicious. She'll know, and she'll hate me. Be afraid of me. Think I'm nuts.
She stands, shivering, her eyes wide and bright with tears. She lost control. She's only supposed to hurt herself a little, to punish herself. She knows if she does too much, Willow will think bad things about her. She'll know she's a bad girl, needing punishment. She'll leave her. Just like Angel, and Riley... even Spike. But she hates me already. Doesn't she know? Can't tell... can't tell. If we tell, she'll go ... just like they all go... everyone she loves. They all leave her. They all hate her.
As they should hate her. She's bad... she's BAD!!!
Buffy goes to where she's put her clothes, neatly folded on top of one of the boxes. She slowly dresses, wincing in pain every now and then. Her breathing is ragged and irregular, interrupted by sobs. Her heart hurts, and she's crying. And that only hurts more. She bites her lip and clenches her fists, trying to regain control.
Can't let her see me like this. Gotta get control. Gotta!
She stands half dressed, shaking, her body aching, the tears flowing. She hurts so much, physically and emotionally, she can't help it. But she's angry with herself for being so weak. STOP IT!! STOP IT NOW!!! Stop being such a baby. You know you had it coming. Stop being so blubbery. Get a grip.
Slowly, the crying subsides to just a few sobs and some sniffles. The pain still there, but she's back in control. She stands there, still only half dressed. What'm I gonna tell Will? She's gonna know. Gotta think. C'mon, stupid, think.
THINK-THINK-THINK!!!
Demons. I'll tell her I ran into a bunch of really pissed off Demons.
She looks at her clothing, sadly. I really like this blouse, She sighs, as she rips it, making it look like it's been torn in a fight. Damn!
She braces herself, then punches herself in the face, and in the eye. Ow... ow, ow, ow! She rubs her jaw, trying to ease the pain a little.
She finishes dressing, rearranging her blouse so the tears aren't too noticeable, or too revealing. She musses her hair.
Ok, ready now.
She exits the storage room, and closes the door behind her.
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Willow wakes with a start, realizing she's fallen asleep.
She looks around the room, noticing the sun is setting. What time is it? She looks at her watch, startled that hours have passed since she sat down. How long have I been asleep? Where's Buffy? She should be back by now?
Willow does a quick search of the house, hoping that Buffy came home and just didn't waken her. But after checking everywhere, she still can't find the little blonde woman. Starting to get worried, she decides she's going to go out looking for her. No telling where she is, or what's she doing. God, I only hope she's alright.
She goes to grab her coat off the coat rack, and hears a key in the door. The door swings open, and Buffy enters, facing away from Willow.
" Buffy! Thank goodness you're here... I was so worr... oh , my god, Buffy what happened!" Willow exclaims when she sees Buffy's face. She rushes to Buffy.
" Hey, Will. HEY!!! OOOMF" Buffy says, as Willow hugs her tightly. She makes a groaning, whimpering sound.
" You're HURT! Oh my god!" Willow frets, looking at her lover.
" No big, Will." Buffy chuckles, " I just ran into a bunch of rather pissed- off demons. Guess they weren't in a mood to throw a " Welcome to San Francisco, Slayer" Party at the moment."
"Buffy, this is serious!" Willow says, taking Buffy's hand and starting to drag her upstairs, " We gotta get you fixed up!"
" C'mon, Will, not like it's the first time I've been hurt doing my job, " Buffy smiles, " I'll be fine. You know, slayer healing and all."
" Buffy, you look pretty roughed up. Maybe we should go to the hospital...have you..." Willow starts to say, but Buffy cuts her off.
" No! No hospital!' Buffy declares, adamant." It's just some bruises. I'll heal ok"
" Buffy!" Willow says, worried, " there might be internal bleeding..."
" No... no hospital!" Buffy says, cutting off the discussion, " I've been hurt worse lots of times. Gonna be fine!"
Willow stands silent, but looks worried and upset.
" Ahhh, so cute, " Buffy says, coming over to Willow and gingerly putting her arms around her, " So worried." She kisses Willow's face, " Gonna just kiss away all those silly worry warts," Buffy says, softly.
" Buffeee, " Willow says, " I'm just so worried about you". Willow is afraid to embrace Buffy...afraid she'll hurt her.
" Silly-Billy-Willy" Buffy says, kissing Willow lightly on the lips, " I'm fine. Everything's fine now. Just let me grab a shower, and a nap, and we'll talk, ok?".
" I'm sorry, Buffy, " Willow says, a little contritely, " I didn't mean to get all stupid earlier."
" No, Will, you were right, " Buffy says, " I promise. We're gonna tell everyone. I love you, Will, I really, really do. I just... I just need a little more time..."
" Shhh, baby, just give me more kisses" Willow says, breathily. God, she can be in a hospital bed, and she gets me hot. Sigh, I'm never gonna win with her, if my hormones keep doing my thinking.
Buffy happily obliges, and Willow gently puts her arms around Buffy's hips. Buffy stiffens a little, then relaxes into the soft Willowy goodness of the kisses.
Both are so occupied by the kissing, that they fail to hear the door open. In walks Dawn, carrying a couple of suitcases. She kicks the door shut.
" Hey WILL... I'm HOME. I was thinking, maybe this year we could arrange somehow for me to...." She calls out, but is cut off when she sees Willow and somebody... kissing? OH, WOW!! " Oh... gosh...sorry...geeze, " Dawn says, blushing, " I didn't know you had company, Will, " She says, her tone not at all apologetic, more pleased. She's been worried because Will has been such a recluse when it comes to dating. " I'll just be on my way...." She starts to back out, then stops. Freezes.
Because 'company' turns around, and is in the form of ...
" BUFFY???"
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To be continued.