More pieces to her puzzle
by Norwalker
Chapter 3
[reviews]
More pieces to her puzzle
By Norwalker
Part 3 of 4
Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.
Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are possible spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).
Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.
Warnings: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.
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"Buffy?", Dawn says, heart sinking. Oh no, what's SHE doing here? She's gonna be so peed off at me!
"Dawn?", Buffy says, looking at Dawn. Damn. Why is she here? And suitcases... are those suitcases? Does she live here? What the HELL is going on! She's supposed to be in England... at Cambridge. What is she doing here, anyway? "What're you doing here?"
" Willow, didn't you tell her?" Dawn turns to Willow, not loving the expression on Buffy's face.
" Willow?" Buffy looks at Willow for an explanation, " Tell me what?"
" Buffy!" Willow says, looking anxious. Damn, in all the excitement, I forgot about Dawnie. Not good. The look Buffy's giving me... so not good! "
Buffy...ummm... ummm... well, Buffy..."
"That's my name, Will, don't wear it out", Buffy says, a slight mocking tone creeping into her voice, " So, now would somebody like explain to me what Dawnie's doing here?" She walks away from Dawn and Willow and turns on them, " when a certain person I know" stern look to Dawn, " is supposed to be in Cambridge, England. At the university. Oh... doing things like studying. Inquiring minds wanna know." Buffy crosses her arms over her chest, wincing because of the bruising.
" Now, Buffy, before you go all postal on Dawnie, " Willow says, trying to intervene, " There's a good reason why she's here".
" Buffy?" Dawn says, finally getting a good look at her sister, noting the bruises on her face, " Are you ok? You look like you've been fighting!".
"Really not the issue, Dawn," Buffy says, deflecting Dawn's question," the issue is why aren't you at school? Why are you in San Francisco? Why don't I know about this?".
"Buffy," Willow says, trying to keep the situation calm, " Dawn had some... problems at Cambridge, and ...well... I talked to Giles, and we agreed it might be a good idea... if Dawn came here..."
" Talked to Giles?" Buffy says, puzzled, her anger starting to grow, " You mean, Giles knew? You knew? Everybody knew, except her sister? Why IS that?"
" Do you really care, Buffy?" Dawn says in that slightly angry/bitter voice only she can manage.
"Of course I care, Dawn! " Buffy says, defensively, " you're my sister. I care a bunch about you, what happens to you!"
" Dawn, that's not fair, Buffy cares about you!" Willow says, trying to mediate, " I thought you were going to call her, tell her what happened. Why didn't you?"
" Not why, Will. How?" Dawn says, " I mean, she's running around the country, here , there and everywhere. Who knows where she's going to be month to month, anyway? 'Finding herself'. What a load. She was probably partying her ass off, glad to dump me in England with Giles, " Dawn look at Buffy with an angry expression, " On yeah, I'm gonna try to track her down, so I can get scolded long distance. Yeah, that's gonna happen!"
"Dawn?" Buffy says, a hurt expression on her face, " I'm sorry. I mean... I ... wait a minute. Why're you jumping all over me?" Buffy says, switching moods, " You know I care about you. Excuse me for being upset when I find out you've left school without a word to me. Excuse me if I'm upset, 'cuz I know Giles pulled a lot of strings, and paid a pretty hefty sum, to get you into Cambridge. WHERE YOU WANTED TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! And really excuse me when it gets dumped in my lap, without warning, and I'm not like dancing la-la-la through the fields about it, " Buffy shifts moods again, seeing Dawn getting upset, " look, Dawn. I really care about you. I know right now you're thinking I don't , but I do. And I've always let you know where I am , in case you needed me. That's why it kinda hurts to have to find out this way, like you gotta sneak behind my back. You never said word one how you felt. If I'd known you wanted me to hang in England, I would've. I guess I thought you wanted some independence from your old sis, " Buffy says, her tone quieter now. " You seemed so jazzed about going to Cambridge. Now you're not. I want ... I just want to understand it."
" I failed, " Dawn said, quietly, " I screwed up, ok? I went there, all full of myself, thinkin' I was gonna take Cambridge by storm, make a big deal. Instead, I was treated like dirt, because some " mystery alumnus" got me in. I was looked down on, thought to be some spoiled rich kid that bought her way in. No one wanted to be my friend. No one wanted me there. I tried, really tried to prove I belonged. Some joke, huh?" Dawn's voice is bitter, " All I did was make it worse. I stuck it out long as I could, Buffy. But I just couldn't do it anymore," Dawn can't look at Buffy, doesn't want to see the disappointment on her face, " So, I called Giles, and Willow, and told them. They agreed that I should leave, if it wasn't working out. I came here, going to UC Berkley. Doing ok. But, " Dawn looks down, " I knew you were so proud of me going to Cambridge, being like, the brain of the family, I ... I couldn't tell you. I ... was ashamed, " Dawn's voice is low, " I let you down."
Buffy crosses to Dawn. Despite her injuries, Buffy takes her into a hug.
"Dawn, honey, " Buffy says, holding her sister close, " don't be silly. You didn't let me down. Cambridge just wasn't the right place for you, " Buffy says, " And don't you ever think that I'm ashamed of you, Dawnie. I don't care what you do, as long as you're happy. I just... well, it just hurt to think that you couldn't come to me with this, " Buffy says, a little guilt in her voice, " Guess I'm the one who should be ashamed. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But hey, you're here now, and doing well. Who needs that old Cambridge, anyway? Their loss, I'm thinking. Besides, one Giles is enough for any family, don't ya think?"
Dawn, though upset, can't help chuckling a little at the image. She looks up at Buffy, and her expression turns to one of concern. " Buffy, what's this? I thought you weren't slaying anymore?" Dawn reaches out to Buffy's face, gently touching the bruises. Buffy winces.
" Yeah, well... someone tell the demons that, ok? Kinda got attacked while I was out... you should see them, though. Nice gooey piles of phlegm... mmmm... yummy" Buffy makes a face.
" Wait a minute... wait a MINUTE... You...and Will.. you were ... I saw you kissing when I came in... oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!" Dawn starts bouncing around. " You and Will... I mean... really? " She looks all happy. She starts running back and forth between Will and Buffy... then Buffy and Will... finally she just perches, murmuring " You and Will... I never ... that's... that's just so GREAT!" She beams at them.
Buffy looks at Will, shrugging resignedly. Will just blushes. They both look at Dawn.
" I guess the cat's clawed its way outta the bag, Buffy" Willow says quietly.
"Yeah, ok. But I still kinda want to ... keep it just in this room, ok?" Buffy says, " just for awhile, ok?" She looks pointedly at Dawn.
"What?" Dawn asks, defensively and peevishly at the same time, " What'd I do?"
"Nothing ... YET, " Buffy says, " but I know you, Dawnie. And keeping secrets is not one of your strong points. So, please try not to run to the nearest phone and spread the news just yet. This is kinda new yet... we're still ... well, just for now, don't want everybody getting all... you know" Buffy finishes lamely.
Dawn looks over Buffy's shoulder, and is greeted by a " Don't look at me" look from Willow. She turns back to Buffy. " Ok, but... gee, I don't get it. I thought... well, you guys would want to tell everybody. I think it's totally cool. You and Willow. Gee. Gotta say, wasn't expecting this. I mean, didn't think you were...gay, Buffy."
Huh?" Buffy says, blushing, "not gay."
" Oh, PLEASE, " Dawn says, " Ok, what would you call it then? " Dawn says with a knowing grin.
Buffy looks at her sister like she's lost her mind. " Just because... I mean, well... just the fact that I love Will...doesn't mean... I..."
" I think what our tongue tied Buffy is trying to say, " Willow says, calmly, " is just because we kinda found each other now... doesn't mean she's like gay. You know?"
"Yeah, sure ... huh?" Dawn looks bewildered. Then her brow furrows, " no, wait. If it talks like a duck, and walks like a duck..."
"Look, Dawnie. Not labeling this. As far as I know Buffy hasn't shown any interest in other women", Willow says," Have you, dear?"
" Will, please!" Buffy says, blushing deeper, " God, I love you. Not looking around...not wanting to! "
" Better not, " Willow says, mock sternly, " Not thinking Buffy finds guys ... well, repulsive either. Of course, that's not saying I'm like giving you permission to date guys, either, sweetie," Willow looks at Buffy with a sweet smile.
Why doesn't the floor like open up and swallow me when I need it to? Buffy thinks to herself, getting redder by the minute.
"Will, what's the deal?" Dawn says, " Why're you going into teaching mode?"
"Cuz, Dawnie darling, it's not about being gay or straight or the like. We love each other. Being whatever label you wanna put on it isn't relevant. If you're surprised, it should be because you didn't get that Buffy and I might have these feelings. Not because of a gay-ness thing." Willow says, pointedly," Don't make it about that, ok?"
"WhatEVER, " Dawn says, shrugging, " Just that... ok, well... I'm thinking at least Buffy's got smarter."
" Ok, my turn, " Buffy says, "HUH?"
"Well, Buffy, you gotta admit," Dawn says," You gotta pretty lousy record for picking loser boyfriends."
"I repeat, HUH?" Buffy says, feeling more than a little irritated.
" Buffy, geeze, c'mon, " Dawn says, acerbically, " first there's Angel. Talk about you hopeless romances. You pick a guy, ok, he's real cute and all, but you pick a guy whose like 200 years older than you, and gets all evil when you like... do it!" Dawn gives her a sidelong glance, " Willow told me about the curse thing."
Buffy looks at Willow, who just apologetically shrugs. Buffy looks pained.
"And after he comes back, you get all googly over him again. He like has to leave town for you to get it, that it's over"
Buffy stares at Dawn, intently, her lips pressed tightly together.
"Then you go for Riley... GI Joe guy. What a dork!" Dawn says.
" Hey, Riley was ok. I loved Riley!" Buffy protests.
" Uh-huh, that's why you let him fly away, then?" Dawn grills her.
" I didn't 'let him'! He chose that!" Buffy says, defensively.
" Why is that, Buffy? "Dawn asks, " Didn't you like, take care of him? Why'd he run away? Gotta be a reason. Guys don't just leave town for no reason" Dawn makes an impatient noise," Still wondering what you saw in him. Or he in you", Dawn shrugs, " Boy, when he came back with a wife, who was so much more gorgeous than you, did you like take a dive..."
"What. Did. You. Expect. Dawn?" Buffy emphasizes each word, her temper building on each.
" If you were so in love with him, Buffy, why didn't you try harder to keep him?" Dawn asks, " you just let him go, right?"
" So, you've got it all figured out then, Percept-o girl?" Buffy asks, with an edge in her tone.
"Well, even I can see a pattern here, Buffy, " Dawn retorts, " I mean, you seem to drive them away in droves!"
"Dawn, I think you've said more than enough" Willow says, her voice stern. What the hell is she doing?
" Oh, no, Will. Please, let her go on, " Buffy says, contemptuously, " She's got it all scoped out, don't ya Dawnie? So, Dawnie, what was my deal with Spike?"
" Never mind, " Dawn says, retreating, " It doesn't matter anyway."
" No, Dawn, please. Share your wisdom with me, please, " Buffy is barely holding onto her temper.
"God, Buffy, who can even figure that one out? It was like " come here, doggie, go away doggie, no, come here doggie, no go away doggie. The guy was like all gaga over you," Dawn says, " you didn't know what you wanted. How'm I supposed to know?"
" Gee, thought you knew EVERYTHING, Dawnie, " Buffy says acidly.
Dawn mumbles something under her breath.
"What? Didn't hear that Dawn, " Buffy says, harshly
" I said, " Dawn repeats, slowly, with an icy tone, " At least I know not to let somebody back in the house after he tries to rape me!"
" HE'D CHANGED, DAWN!" Buffy yells at her, " HE HAD A SOUL!"
" Yeah, who says? Him? What proof, Buffy? You put us all in danger on his word!" Dawn spits at her." That soul sure didn't keep him from feeding when the first got to him!".
"So what should've I done, Dawn?" Buffy says, " leave him in the school basement so he could get crazier? Or maybe I shoulda just staked him. Would that've given you a happy?"
" I didn't say that Buffy, " Dawn replies, her voice quiet. " I'm just thinking that you were so ... distracted, or whatever, that you didn't think about it. Like a lot of stuff. You just kinda went on instinct."
"Distracted? Don't you mean self-involved, Dawn? Isn't that what you're going for?" Buffy says, harshly, " That's what you're really trying to say to me, isn't it? I didn't give a damn about you, or the girls, or anyone, because I was too much into myself, isn't it?"
" I didn't say that, Buffy, " Dawn says.
" No, you didn't come right out and use those exact words, Dawn, but pretty clear what you meant," Buffy is getting angrier by the minute, " So, what's the real beef here, Dawn? Why're we doing this, anyway?
" Never mind, not my business, " Dawn says, backing off.
" Hey, guys, maybe we should all take a break, let things kinda chill a little, " Willow says, trying to be the peacemaker.
" Thanks, Will, but I'm thinking my sis is really jonesing to say something to me, something she's wanted to say for awhile. So, Dawn, c'mon... you went down this track, what is it?" Buffy's face has hardened into the look she reserves for slaying, " What does my dating history got to do with anything, anyway?"
" Just that... nothing. It's nothing, " Dawn changes her mind, " Sorry I said anything." She backs away, and starts to go upstairs. Buffy moves to block her way.
" No! Don't start something and don't finish it , Dawn. Spill it" Buffy says, not letting Dawn get by.
" C'mon, guys, please. Everybody's tired, nerves are frayed," Willow says, again trying to keep this from spinning out of control, " let's get some sleep, and we can talk in the morning, ok?".
Buffy, however, isn't giving an inch. She stands there, blocking Dawn's way. Dawn goes this way and that way, trying to get around her sister, but Buffy blocks her at every mood. Finally, exasperated, she quits.
" Ok, Buffy, you want the truth?" Dawn says, " here's the truth. I love you both. I think ... somehow, you should be together. But... I'm afraid for you both, too. Something's... not right, Buffy. Not when it comes to you and relationships."
"What do you know, Dawn? You're just a ...." Buffy gets interrupted.
"Just a kid? That's what you want to say, isn't it?" Dawn finishes for Buffy, " but even a kid can see you've got something going on. You... push people away. I don't know why, but its true," Dawn sees Buffy's expression. " Please, don't give me that look!"
"What?" Buffy says, unaware, "What look?"
" The ' You know jack about it' look, Buffy" Dawn says," not everybody goes around in their own little world. I've seen you do it time and time again. The only time you go all out, it seems, is for when they treat you badly. I don't understand that, but it's also true. It really makes me crazy, because I care about you, and I care about Will. If ... well, if you follow what you've done before, it's going to be bad. And, I don't want that... much as I think you two belong together. I don't want to see you hurt Will ," Dawn says, " I won't let you hurt Willow!"
Buffy and Willow both look startled. Buffy, in particular, looks as if Dawn just hit her. Her expression reflects her hurt and disbelief.
" Dawn... I... I'd never hurt Willow. I love her, Dawnie, " Buffy says, aggrieved. " I'd do anything to make her happy!"
" Buffy, I really think you believe that, " Dawn says, " but I can only go on what I've seen." Dawn pauses, looking at her sister intently." There's something, Buffy, I can't quite make it out. But you're hiding something... and it scares me."
" I'm not hiding anything, Dawn, I promise, " Buffy lies.
" I wish I could believe you, Buffy, " Dawn says," I just can't".
" Fine," Buffy says, her mood turning sour," believe whatever the hell you want". She storms towards the door, " thing is, I don't have to stand her and listen to it."
" Buffy? Where are you going?" Willow says, upset and concerned.
" Out, " Buffy says, opening the door, "I gotta get outta here"
" Baby, please, don't leave!" Willow says, her voice trembling.
Buffy's look softens, " I'll be back soon, honey. I just gotta ..." She looks at Dawn, her anger rising, " Not be here right now". She turns, and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
" Willow, I didn't mean for her to leave!" Dawn says, regretfully, " I really didn't!"
" Shut up, Dawn. You've said more than enough for tonight, " Willow says, her voice hard, " just go to bed, or something. Really not wanting to see you right now!"
Willow turns and leaves, climbing the stairs quickly. In a minute, Dawn hears a door upstairs slam close.
Dawn is left alone...
feeling like an idiot.
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Nice act, Buffy, Buffy's mind works overtime as she starts to run. They'll never see through that one! They'll never guess your secret now, will they? Oh, no. You're too smart for that, Buffy. You got 'em fooled. They'll never see what you are.
Yeah, sure. Dawn's already got it sorta figured out. She knows something's up. It's not good, it's not good. She'll figure it out... she'll tell. Then they'll... leave me. I know it. They'll be disgusted with me. They'll know...goddamn it, why's she gotta mess it up for me? Why can't she let me have some happiness? Oh god, Will... she'll know. I can see her looking at me, the revulsion in her eyes... she'll leave me. Like they always leave me. Cuz they can tell what I am. That I'm bad. I'm dirty!
Dirty girl!
" Stop it!" Buffy says, to no one but herself, " STOP!"
Dirty girl!
"No," Buffy cries, " This is bad. This is real bad!"
Dirty girl!
" I'm not a dirty girl , I'm not!" Buffy cries, " Stop saying that!"
Why, little girl? You know you're a dirty girl. Stop trying to deny it.
" Daddy?" Buffy stops, looking around, feeling lost and confused. " Daddy?"
Hello, punkin. It's time for the game ,honey. Come play with daddy.
"No, Daddy, I don't want to play, " Buffy says, backing away. Her voice takes on a child-like quality.
C'mon, sweetie. Be daddy's girl. Don't you like being daddy's girl?
" Yes, Daddy, " Buffy says. Her voice is flat.
Buffy... don't take that tone with me! You know you're a bad girl. You make things bad here. Stop being such a bad girl. Show me what a good girl does.
" Don' wanna" Buffy says, her tone childish and petulant. She stands, fists balled, head down, face defiant.
So, you're going to be a bad girl? Is that it, Buffy? Do I have to punish you again?
" No, Daddy, please... don't punish me again!" Buffy's face is fearful. She scrunches down, trying to hide.
You're being bad, Buffy. Daddy doesn't like bad girls. Bad girls don't deserve daddy's love. You need to be punished. He opens the closet door. He points inside. Get inside, Buffy. You need to be punished!
" Mommy? Help me mommy, please!" Buffy says, but she's walking to the closet that only exists in her mind.
You're mommy doesn't love you, Buffy. She hates you. Why shouldn't she? You're nothing but a bad girl. Bad, you're always bad. Always defiant. Now be quiet. I don't want to hear a sound out of you. You're being punished.
" But, Daddy..." Buffy says, near tears.
BE QUIET!!!
The door in Buffy's mind slams shut.
Buffy sits down on the sidewalk, not aware of her surroundings, or where she is.
All she knows is that she's in the bad place. The place where bad girls go... girls who defy their daddies. It's dark here, and hot. There's no fresh air; the air smells rank and dusty. And she can hear the scratching. The noises the things in the dark make. The things that hurt bad girls. Like her.
They're getting closer... They want to hurt her. She pounds on the door, but no one answers.
" Daddy, please, let me out. I won't be bad anymore, just let me out" She cries, sobbing and scared. She can here there squeals now...and she's afraid. So afraid. She's bad, she doesn't want to be bad, but she's bad. They'll hurt her, and bite her, and ....
" DADDY PLEASE LET ME OUT!" Buffy screams " I'LL BE GOOD!!! PLEASE!!!"
But no one comes, no one hears her. She's alone... with those things. She can hear them getting closer, their squeals getting louder. She can hear them clattering in the walls.
She retreats to a corner, scrunching down into a ball. She pulls her knees up to her chin, and watches. Watching for the things coming closer. Her eyes are wide in fear, and her heart is pounding fast in her chest.
She pushes tighter into the corner.
Watching.
Waiting.
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Willow looks at the alarm clock in their bedroom, again. She gets up, and walks to the window, looking out. But she doesn't see anything. She doesn't see Buffy.
Buffy's been gone a long time Willow thinks to herself. Too long.
Willow knows Buffy can sometimes be awfully quick to anger. But she's also quick to get over it. Usually a little time alone, and a quick walk, will dissipate her anger. She may not come back full of sunshine and puppies, but she's generally calmed down and reasonable. Usually it takes maybe half an hour, an hour max.
But she's been gone nearly 3 hours now, and Willow's past the beginning stages of worry. She's not panicking; she knows Buffy can take care of herself. But she's worried... Buffy was pretty upset when she left. Ok, she was damned angry! Willow remembers, I can't remember her being that angry with Dawn before. She looked like she wanted to kill her.
Willow sighs. Dawn. I love the girl, but sometimes she can really use the mouth before the brain engages. What was she trying to do, anyway? Protect me? From what? Buffy? Now, that's gotta be the sweetest and dumbest thing I've ever seen. I mean, I love Dawn for looking out for me, though honey, I really think I can do that myself, but god, Buffy wouldn't hurt me, I know that! I mean, not deliberately. Ok, she's really got a crappy relationship history, but thinking here that I'm a little better at dealing with things than her past loves. Dawn, honey, I love you but honest, I don't need a mommy!
But something else is nagging at Willow. Something Dawn said. Something that rang true.
Hiding something. Something about Buffy hiding something. Willow thinks it over, turning it one way or the next. She shakes her head. That's silly. She's not hiding something. That's ... but somehow, it strikes a chord in Willow. She's been with Buffy only a few weeks, but ... there's something there that ... just doesn't fit. Nothing I can put my finger on... just little things. Likes, sometimes she'll just kinda go off... like I'm not even there. It's only for a moment or two, but I can see it in her eyes. It's like she's somewhere else. There's that thing with the attic back in Chicago. She threw some stuff up there, and I asked her to get it down... and she like nearly panicked. She started sweating and shaking, God I thought she was going to bolt. I finally did it myself, but ... I've never seen her like that! She joked about it later... said ever since Amy turned her into a rat that time in High School, she's had a thing about attics. Ok, not getting that, but I let it go.
But I guess the thing that really gives me a wig is during sex. Most of the time, ok, great, make me go crazy great. But a couple of times... she's gotten this look on her face... like she was scared of me. She drew up in a ball, and wouldn't say anything... just asked me if she'd been a bad girl. Ok, first time I thought...gee, cute. She likes games. But the other times? Ok, major weird. But I didn't want to say anything, cuz she had this look in her eyes... freaky. Willow shudders.
She looks at the clock again, and shakes her head. I gotta go find her. She's been gone way too long. Something Dawnie said hit her hard, tonight. I gotta let her know whatever it is , it's ok. She doesn't have to hide anything from me. I gotta let her know I love her, no matter what.
Willow leaves her room, making towards the staircase when she hears the front door open. Looking down, she sees Buffy quietly letting herself in. She's about to call out to Buffy, but something in Buffy's behavior stops her. She stands at the top of the stairs, watching her.
Buffy looks around, furtively. She scans the room, and looks up, seeing Willow. Her face gets a " oh, god" look on it, and she begins to turn around towards the front door again. She's not really ready to face the Wrath of Willow quite yet.
" Buffy!" Willow calls down to her. Buffy freezes. Willow descends the stairs.
" Hi, Will, " Buffy says, trying to avoid any confrontation with Willow. Her whole body language says she's not in fight mode, more flight mode.
" ' Hi, Will?' " , Willow repeats, her face a mixture of relief, and irritation, and disbelief. " You storm out of here, you've been gone 3 hours, and I catch you...well, sneaking back in, and you say ' Hi, Will' ?" She gives Buffy a somewhat stern look
Buffy, head down, looks up at Willow with her patented " I'm sorry" look: The eyes looking up at Willow from under her lashes, her lip slightly pouted out, almost in quiver mode. Her hands are nervously clasped in front of her.
" Oh, stop it, Buffy!" Willow says, her voice irritated... much more irritated than she feels, because like just about everyone else, she's very susceptible to the ' Buffy' looks. The " sad little waif" look tugs at her heart strings at the very same time she's majorly irritated at herself for it working on her... again. But she grits her teeth... She's not getting off so easily THIS time, Willow thinks to herself, resolved.
" Buffy, " Willow says, exasperated, " Why did you stay away for so long? Do you know you've been gone 3 hours?"
Buffy nods.
" I was worried about you. I know you can take care of yourself, but you're injured" Willow says, gently poking her. Buffy lets out a little yelp, and winces, " Slayer healing or no, it wasn't safe for you out there. I know Dawn upset you, but ... why did you stay away so long? I was just about to come looking for you. God, Buffy, did you even think?" Willow makes an ' I give up' gesture, and turns and walks away from Buffy. Damn, I hate this. I don't want to be mad at her. Goddess, I just want to hold her and hug her and kiss her crazy. But she does these things and then thinks I'll just melt and forgive her. Well, she's got another think coming!
"Sorry, Will, " Buffy says quietly in her little girl voice, " I guess... I dunno... I made such a scene over nothing. Kinda embarrassed to come home... didn't want to face you. I was such a dork!"
'Yeah you were, " Willow agrees, " I mean, geeze, Buffy, I expect YOU to be an adult. We're 25 years old, Buffy, not teenagers anymore. You can't just get all hot under the collar and storm out over every little thing." Willow says this with her back to Buffy, because if she turns around she know she's gonna cave. " Dawn is still a kid, barely 20. She gets to act stupid sometimes, and we gotta just ... well, sometimes, we gotta act mature, and not let pride and everything get all in the way. Do you see what I mean?" She makes a fatal mistake, and turns around, seeing Buffy looking all forlorn. Her heart turns to melted marshmallows. Her anger dissipates like the morning fog. " I guess, however, Dawn did say some pretty crappy stuff, " her tone softens. No matter how hard she tries, she can't stay mad when she looks at Buffy. She walks over, and afraid she'll hurt her, she lays a hand gently on her shoulder. " Baby, don't you know how much I care about you? When you go disappearing for so long, I get worried. That's all. I'm not really mad at you... just... I get worried," She leans in, and gives Buffy a little kiss on the forehead, " You're my sweetie, I don't want anything bad to happen to you!".
" Oh, Will, " Buffy says, her lip quivering for real, her eyes tearing up, " I'm so sorry. I just... I'm so scared. I love you so much, I want to be with you forever, but I'm ... it's so different for me. I'm not confident like you. This is all new ground for me, " Buffy pulls Willow closer and hugs her, despite the pain she's feeling, " I've known you for so long, and you mean so much to me. I'm so afraid I'm gonna blow it, and lose you. That's what got to me tonight. Dawn was so close to the truth. I've done so horribly bad with relationships, I don't ever want to make it where you don't want to be with me anymore,"
Buffy is sobbing now, truly upset at the thought of losing Willow.
"Buffy, honey, " Willow says, holding her gently, rubbing her back, " silly girl. I'm not going to leave you!"
" But you might, Willow, " Buffy says, not comforted, " I can be so bad. So bad. I ... can do such bad things. Willow, I'd die if I hurt you, don't you see? I can't even think about that. It hurts too much."
"Buffy, Buffy ... look at me, Buffy, " Willow says, holding her at arm's length, gently lifting Buffy's chin, " I'm no angel, either. I can do bad things. I don't think we need any proof of that one!, " she exclaims, her tone ironic, " thing is, honey, we love each other. Right?"
Buffy nods
" Then, we work stuff out. There'll be bad times, sure. But I'm believing that on the whole, the good times are gonna be a lot more than the bad times, " Willow says, gently. " Don't you think so?"
"Yes," Buffy says, her voice strained, " I don't know what the what is, Will. I just... feel so scared. That I'm gonna do something terrible, embarrass and hurt you so bad, you'll wind up hating me. I've screwed up so many times, Will, I can't count them all. Even with you. I just need some time to ... get more confident, more comfortable."
" Buffy, " Willow says, afraid to broach the subject, but knowing she has to, " if there's anything you want to tell me... anything, Buffy, you know you can, right?"
Buffy looks at her intently, her expression inquiring. Does she know? Has she guessed? But Buffy doesn't see the expected revulsion, the loathing she'd know would be in Will's eyes if she knew.
" There's nothing, Will, " Buffy lies, convincingly, " I promise, nothing!".
Willow looks at Buffy, and she can sense that Buffy's holding something back. She's lying to me, I know it!
" Are you sure, Buffy?" Willow says, giving her another chance.
For the tiniest second, Buffy wants to tell her. Tell her everything. What a dirty, bad girl she is. But she can't. She knows she can't. Willow would leave her, run away from her. And Buffy couldn't take that.
" No, nothing, Will," Buffy lies again, " really, there's nothing."
Willow feels hurt. She knows , she just knows there's something Buffy is keeping locked away in her heart. It hurts, more than Willow would believe. But she also knows that somehow, someway, she's gotta hang in there, keep things open... and hope Buffy will come in time to trust her enough to tell her.
" Ok, honey, " Willow says, pulling Buffy close. " Ok"
They hug not saying anything more. But if they could see each other's expressions, they'd be shocked.
Buffy at Willow's saddened hurt.
Willow at Buffy's quiet desperation.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be continued.