More pieces to her puzzle
by Norwalker
Chapter 4B
[reviews]
More pieces to her puzzle
By Norwalker
Part 4B of 4
Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.
Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are possible spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).
Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.
Warnings: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.
Author's note: Sorry. This story is actually 4 chapters, just the last chapter is a little long to fit. So splitting it into two sub chapters.
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Buffy is having a dream
In her dream, she and Willow are having a picnic. It's late spring, the weather is beautiful. The sky is blue, with just a couple of fleecy white clouds way high in the sky. They are in a lush meadow, with a profusion of wildflower and trees growing in the field.
They have their blanket spread under one of the trees; an old oak with a crown of leaves that provides some nice shade from the sun. They have a full spread; sandwiches, fruit, cold fried chicken, potato salad, some little cakes for desert, and they are sharing a bottle of wine.
" Gee, Buffy, you planning on having the army over too?" Willow jokes, looking at all the food, " Way too much for us, I'm thinking".
"Well, I need to fatten you up a little, Will, " Buffy says, smiling, " You're way too thin, you know!"
" Yeah, look who's talking, Bone Maiden" Willow says, laughing. She reaches for a piece of fruit.
" You saying I'm bony?" Buffy says, mock irritated, " doesn't seem to bother you too much in bed..." Buffy smirks.
" Buffy!" Willow blushes, but happily. " Not saying bony... maybe just could use a little more squeeze?"
"Well, if you want squeeze... there's always Faith..." Buffy says, haughtily. She gives Willow a sidelong glance.
" Oh, yeah... hey... maybe I should give her a call..." Willow ripostes, watching Buffy's reaction. Buffy's face reddens.
" You better not, Will!" Buffy says, pretending to be angry. She makes to lunge at Willow, but Willow is up and running. " Hey you, get back here, or I'm gonna so beat that cute lil bottom of yours!" Buffy says, jumping up after Willow, and the chase is on.
Willow zigs and zags all over the field, Buffy in hot pursuit. Willow calls out over her shoulder.
" Gotta catch me first, Slowpoke" Willow giggles, running faster.
"Slowpoke, huh?" Buffy says, putting on more speed. But Willow somehow manages to keep ahead of her. They are running all over the field, and pass a clump of bushes. Suddenly, Hank Summers steps out from behind the bushes and grabs Willow. Putting a restraining arm around her, his other hand is holding a wickedly sharp knife.
" I told you, Buffy!" Hank Summers says, threateningly, " You can never tell anyone! Or someone will get hurt!" With that, he takes the knife and slashes it across Willow's throat.
"NOOOOO!!!!" Buffy screams, watching as Hank releases Willow, who falls to the ground. She lays there, blood leaking from her throat.
" You were a bad girl, Buffy, and had to be punished. Now, come to Daddy, " Hank says, advancing on her, holding the knife, " Daddy has a nice surprise for you!"
Buffy backs away.... Screaming....
" NOOOOO.... NOOOOO....!!!!!"
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" Buffy?" Willow, looking concerned, is trying to awaken Buffy. She's thrashing in the bed, screaming.
" BUFFY! WAKE UP!" Dawn, standing next to Willow, yells at her." WAKE UP!"
Buffy opens her eyes, looking confused and disoriented. She looks around, and sees the monitors and drip IV's, and ... the cast... then the pain kicks in.
" Ow... ow.... Ow!" Buffy whimpers. " Where am I?"
" You're in the hospital, Buffy, " Willow says.
" Hospital? What the..." Buffy exclaims, looking around, " How'd I get here?"
" Don't you remember, Buffy?" Dawn asks.
" N-No, I just remember I was running... by the road... then everything went dark... and I woke up here!" Buffy says, trying to get up. She lets out a loud groan, and lays back. " What the heck happened to me?"
" You had an accident, Buffy, " Willow says, quietly, trying to keep Buffy calm, " You were hit by a car."
" WHAT?" Buffy says, incredulously, " How the hell did that happen? Did some drunk veer off the road or something?" Buffy looks at Willow, then at Dawn.
"No... Buffy, not according to witnesses, " Willow says, her tone remote, " they say you ran into the road."
" Well, that's... ok, that's just crazy talk!" Buffy says, looking at both of them, " I mean, why would I do that?"
" I dunno, Buffy, " Dawn says, quietly, " Why would you?"
Willow senses Buffy's lying. Something in her manner, the way she's reacting, just doesn't ring true.
" Well, because ... I never did, Dawn!" Buffy says, a slight edge to her voice. " Ok, out of the three of us, I'm not the brightest, but even a 5 year old knows not to go running into the street. So why do you think I would?".
" Buffy, all the witnesses said you did, " Willow says, pressing it. " Why would they lie?"
" I dunno, Will... why don't you ask them?" Buffy says, her tone getting a little sarcastic, " seems to me, you're believing them more than me!".
" Buffy..." Dawn starts, but Buffy cuts her off.
" No... you guys seem to be on their side, " Buffy exclaims, " so, why don't you go ask them?"
" Buffy, it's not a matter of sides, " Willow says, firmly, " it's just they have no reason to lie about it"
" Oh, and I suppose I do?" Buffy says, her temper rising.
" Buffy, no one said that!" Dawn replies.
" No one had to, " Buffy says, sternly, looking at both of them.
" Buffy, we...." Willow starts, and is cut off.
" No, you obviously believe them, and think I'm a liar, " Buffy says, harshly, " So, why don't you both get out of here?" She turns away from them, best she can.
" Buffy, please, we didn't mean that...." Dawn pleads with her.
" No, get out!" Buffy says, not looking at them. She then screams, "GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!"
A nurse comes running in.
"What's going on in here?" She asks. She sees the patient looking obviously upset. She turns to Willow and Dawn. "You're going to have to leave now. She needs her rest!" The nurse tries to hustle them out.
" But..." Willow protests.
" You're going to have to leave. Or do I have to call security?" The nurse says, sternly.
Willow and Dawn look at each other, upset. But they know the nurse isn't bluffing, so they reluctantly leave.
The nurse comes over to Buffy to check on her. She smoothes her covers, checks the readings on the Vitals monitor, then she leaves quietly, turning out the light.
Buffy lays in the dark, her expression troubled, her eyes staring at something far away.
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Willow puts the cup of tea in front of Dawn, then sits next to her on the living room couch. Both women are still wound up over the scene in Buffy's room at the hospital. Neither want to say it, but both have come to the same conclusion: something is terribly wrong with Buffy. But they don't have a clue as to what's troubling her.
After awhile, Willow notices Dawn hasn't touched her tea.
" Something wrong with it , Dawn?" Willow asks, solicitously.
" Huh, what?" Dawn says, coming out her daze.
" The tea, Dawn. You haven't touched yours" Willow says, " Is it too weak or strong or something?"
" Oh. No, I just...." Dawn trails off, lapsing into silence. It's obvious she's still very disturbed about tonight.
"Well, maybe we should just go to bed, Dawnie, " Willow says, " maybe things will seem better in the morning". She retrieves Dawn's cup and her own. She turns towards the kitchen when Dawn pipes up.
"What's wrong with her, Willow?" Dawn asks, sounding troubled." I've never known her to act this weird before."
" I don't know Dawn, " Willow replies, walking towards the kitchen, " She's ... keeping something secret, I know it" She comes back to the living room, but doesn't sit down. She stands, looking a little lost." I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong, is all."
"Wrong?" Dawn asks, bewildered.
" I'm not getting through to her, Dawnie," Willow says, "I've know Buffy almost ten years. We never kept secrets... almost never" Willow blushes, thinking back on the 10th grade and Xander," Almost never. And when we did, it was because, or at least for me, it was because I was ashamed of what I was doing, or what I'd done. Pretty much the same for Buffy, if I sussed it out right," Willow pauses, " Something's happened. Something she's ashamed of, I know it, I can ... I just know it." Willow looks worried, " I've failed her somehow, Dawnie. I've tried to let her know no matter what, I love her, I'm gonna stick to her like glue. She's not getting it, or believing it. I don't know why..." Willow looks at Dawn, clearly hurting, " What'm I doing wrong, Dawnie?"
Dawn doesn't say anything, she just goes to Will and holds her. Willow puts her head on her shoulder , and the tears start to come.
"S-S-She's hurting, Dawnie, I know she is, " Willow stutters, between sobs, " I w-want to h-help her, I really do. But I d-don't know how." She starts to shake in Dawn's arms.
Dawn holds her, rubbing her back. She suppresses her own tears and fears, knowing that right now, Willow needs her. She has to hold on, be strong.
"It's ok, Will, it's ok, " Dawn says calmly, trying to soothe her, " It's going to be ok, we'll figure it out. I promise".
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Buffy lays staring at the ceiling.
Outwardly, she appears calm. Inside, it's a wholly different story. She felt all jumbled up, her stomach is tied in knots. Her heart races, seemingly out of control. Her breathing was shallow and somewhat forced, as if she's just run a race. A race she's losing. She can barely keep still, but she also doesn't want to bring the night nurse down on her. She'll just drug me, and I don't wanna be drugged. Gotta think. Gotta think.
She's gone too far this time, and she knows it. She saw the expressions on Will and Dawn's faces when she screamed at them. God I screwed up. I don't even know why I screamed at them. But she knows. She really does know. They were getting close, too close, to her dirty little secret. The secret they can't know. They can't ever know. No one can know. The secret she wants to tell, she knows she has to tell. But she can't, she can't ever tell anyone.
She remembered everything. She knew she ran into traffic. Somewhere deep inside, that's what she wanted to do. She hoped that someone would hit her, kill her. Then it would be over. She'd be done. Everybody would be ok, she'd be ok. She'd be finished, and could rest.
That didn't happen. She didn't die. Instead, she's here, busted up, in the hospital. The last place she wants to be. She hates hospitals. This is where Celia died. Her best friend, her best everything. Died in a hospital. That was her fault, too. She knew that. If it wasn't for her, Celia would be alive, happy.
I'm so tired. Damn. I just want to sleep, and never wake up. Why can't I just die? Why won't you let me die? So tired, so tired of fighting every day, trying to keep it together. I just want to die, find some peace, let my friends be happy...
" I'm telling you, Summers, " A familiar voice, one she hasn't heard in years, floats over to her, " Death's overrated".
" Ford? Billy Fordham, is that you?" Buffy asks, confused and a little alarmed.
" The one and only, " Ford says, approaching the bed.
" But... but you're dead!" Buffy says, really panicked now, "you've been dead... god, nearly 8 years".
" Actually, a little over seven... but Math never was your strong suit," Ford smiles, " Yeah, been kinda dead ever since Spike drained me back in Sunnydale."
" Oh, crap, I'm going nuts. On top of everything else, I'm so losing it, " Buffy's voice is trembling.
" Too late, you did that a long time ago, " Ford says, teasing her, " Don't sweat it. You're just dreaming." He walks closer, giving her the once over, " Not looking so good, Summers. "
" Well, you get hit by a car, " Buffy retorts, " See how good you look!"
" Fair enough, " Ford says, " So, you're thinking you want to die, Summers?"
Buffy doesn't reply. She just stares out into space.
" Ya know, I didn't want to die, right?" Ford says, " I thought that by becoming a vampire, I'd live forever. Kinda stupid that. You tried to warn me, as I remember, but I didn't listen, did I?"
" Nope, you didn't, " Buffy agrees, " But then, listening never was your strong suit."
"Good one, Summers. Glad to see you haven't lost your edge, " Ford says, " Thing is, I was stupid, and I had Spike bite me, thinking I'd never die. Didn't get that me... the essential me... was gone when Spike finished his snack. You know, it really sucked, " Ford stops, embarrassed, " Sorry about the pun. Thing was, I wasn't finished yet. Still had lots to do... but I was in such pain, I didn't see it then."
"I'm sorry, Ford, " Buffy says, " I really am. You got a crappy break."
" Yeah, well, lots of people get 'em. You got it, too. I know that. But thing is, I died before I could do what I wanted to do."
" Not following you, Ford, " Buffy says.
" I died, Summers, before I could say goodbye to my folks. Before I could tell them I really loved them, " Ford says, a mournful note to his voice, " I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my friends, especially you. Do you got any idea what I'd give to be able to hang out just another day with you? Even if you dragged me to a mall. It'd be great, just to spend another day with you."
" Ford, I...." Buffy starts, but is interrupted.
" The worst thing, though, Summers? It's not better over here. It doesn't get better. Not for you, or for those you leave behind. My mom couldn't take it, did you know that?" Ford asks, not really expecting an answer, " She tried to go on, but the grief was too much. She couldn't handle it... she killed herself," Ford voice carries a ton of guilt, " and my dad? He's alone now. Losing both of us ... just was too much for him. He's only a shell of the guy I remember. All because I threw away what time I had left. I didn't get a chance to let them know I was ok, that it'd be ok, that I loved them, Summers. If there's a hell, I'm in it, cuz I can never fix it."
" Billy, " Buffy says, her voice full of compassion.
" Forget it, Summers. Too late for me. But not for you. You still got a chance. I know you hurt, you just want it to be over. You wanna give up, but I'm telling you, don't," Ford leans in close, " Don't! Fight it with everything you got. It's hard, I know, but you've got people who love you, wanna help you. Let 'em, Summers. Don't shut them out. You need them, and they need you to need them."
"Why're you doing this, Ford?" Buffy asks, " Why me?"
"Cuz I can, " Ford smiles, " Look, it's not totally unselfish, ok? It makes... things easier. Just call it my way of fixing what I fucked up." He looks at his watch, " Will you look at that? Gotta go, Summers. Been a blast."
"Ford... don't go, please, " Buffy says, " I really missed you."
" Yeah, me too, Summers, " Ford says, retreating," But you're listening skills aren't too good either, I see. I told you earlier, this is just a dream. It's time to wake up, Buffy. So, you better wake up. Go on... Wake up!"
"Wake up, Ms. Summers... wake up!" The nurse says, gently shaking her, " It's time for your medications"
Buffy looks at her, feeling unsettled. " Huh? Where am I?" She asks.
" You're in the hospital, Ms. Summers. You had an accident, remember?" The nurse says, giving her the pills. Buffy opens her mouth, swallowing the capsules. She lays back, feeling exhausted, but isn't able to sleep. Her mind is working overtime, thinking about her dream.
She lies there, quietly thinking in the dark.
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Willow glances again at the clock in her office, trying to come to a decision.
She really doesn't want to be here, but she knows she has to get this work done for classes next week. But like yesterday, her mind isn't really here. It's on Buffy.
She wants to be at the hospital. Yet, she's afraid to go to the hospital. She feels like she's being torn in two different directions and doesn't know what to do.
She's worried about Buffy, and wants to see how she's doing. She looked awful last night, all wired up and with her arm in the sling, tubes running out of her. She wants to be there right now, holding her hand, telling her things are going to be ok, supporting her. She knows Buffy and hospitals don't get along well.
But she's afraid. After last night, she isn't sure how Buffy feels about her being around. She slept only a couple of hours last night, spending most of it worried about whether she and Buffy were going to survive as a couple. From where she sat, things seem to be deteriorating quickly... and she still doesn't understand why. It's as if Buffy is trying to push her away, and that hurts. A lot.
She looks again at the memo from the head of the department, and the words seem to swim on the page. Making an impatient noise, she puts it down. She knows this is useless. She's hiding out, afraid to go the hospital, face what she has to face, and get it over with. She carefully arranges the papers on her desk, then picks up her purse. She stands, and goes for her coat. One way or another, going to have to settle this. I can't go on like this, not knowing.
She leaves the office, locking the door after herself.
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Walking the corridor to Buffy's room, Willow feels worse than ever. Her nerves are as taut as an over tuned violin. Her mouth is dry, and she can't seem to figure what to do with her hands. She couldn't remember feeling this nervous before. Maybe when she took Drama in college, and had to get up in front of the class to do a scene. She remembers her stomach felt something like this... that she wanted to vomit. That had been her last day in class... she dropped it. She eventually overcame her fear of getting up in front of people, but it took awhile.
This, however, is the worst audience she ever had. It's only one person, but the stakes are higher than anything she's done before. Chill, Will. You're making mountains out of molehills, here. God, she's not going to kill you. Last night she was just upset over being hurt and confused and all. She's probably forgotten it, and it'll be just fine. Don't get all scardey-cat now. Just hang in there, it's gonna be fine.
As she gets closer to Buffy's room, her stomach turns over. Ok, stomach. Not helping here. Gotta stay calm, ok? Barfing on Buffy is not going to win us points. Just take a chill pill.
She gets to Buffy's room, and notices the door is open. She hangs back a little, and looks in. She sees Buffy sitting up. She doesn't seem to be doing anything but staring out the window. Oh, boy Willow groans internally. Not good.
Bracing herself, she plasters a smile on her face and walks into Buffy's room. Buffy, hearing her enter, turns her way. There are dark rings under her eyes. Oh, boy, oh, boy Willow thinks, not liking that much.
" Hey, Buffy, " Willow says, brightly, trying to cover her nervousness. " You're looking better today." Oh, poop. Could you say anything stupider, Willow?
" Hey Will, " Buffy says, sounding distracted, " Nice try, but you're really not a good liar, you know." She smiles a tiny smile at Willow. It quickly fades." We need to talk."
Willow swallows hard. "We need to talk"... oh, god... that's not good. Willow's well aware that's the most dreaded phrase in the English language.
" Ok, Buffy, " Willow says, in a low voice. She stands a little away from Buffy's bed.
" I don't know where to begin, Will, " Buffy says, her voice sounding hoarse. " Could you come a little closer? Kinda having a hard time talking this morning. Think my throat's sore from the breathing tube they had jammed down there."
"Sure, Buffy, " Willow says. Each step is hard; her feet feel heavy as lead.
"This isn't working, is it?" Buffy says, looking at Will anxiously.
" I don't know what you mean, Buffy, " Willow lies. Crap... crap , crap and crap. Can I just die now, please?
" This. Me. It isn't working, " Buffy says, her voice low, " I thought... I thought I could handle it Will. I really did. Because being with you means so much to me. You... you're so very special to me. That's what makes this so hard, Will."
" Buffy, " Willow says, a slightly sad edge to her voice.
" I thought I was strong enough, Will. I really did, " Buffy says, "I thought I could deal with this. Face it and accept it. But I'm too weak, Will. Too weak. I just can't do it". Buffy's voice is heavy with emotion.
" Buffy," Willow says, near tears, " It's ok, honest. I understand."
" I'm so sorry, Will. What I put you through. It's so unfair, " Buffy covers her face with her good hand, " I've made your life miserable."
Willow goes to Buffy, putting her hand on Buffy's shoulder. She pushes down her tears. " It's ok, Buffy. Sometimes despite your best try, these things just don't work out," Willow bites her lip, trying to keep the tears back," sometimes it's best to take a break from each other. Try to ... well, work out your differences. Maybe then things can be better. But even if not, we'll still be friends, Buffy."
Buffy looks at Willow with an expression of pure fear. " Take a break? Friends?, " Buffy says, her voice nearly a whisper, " You... want to break up with me?" She looks like she's ready to cry.
" I... I ... thought that's what you were trying to say to me, Buffy, " Willow says, stunned.
" Oh, god, Willow!!!!" Buffy cries, trying to reach out, but can't because of her arm. " Stupid cast! No, god... no. Why would I want to break up with the one good thing in my life?"
Willow feels like someone just hit her in the head with a hammer. " What... I really don't understand now!" She's not breaking up with me?
"Will... you're the only thing that's ... you're everything to me. If I ... lost you, I... I don't know what I'd do, " Buffy says, tears rolling down her cheeks. " Something's wrong with me, Willow. Something's really wrong. I'm scared... I'm really scared." Losing control, Buffy starts to cry.
"Buffy" Willow says, her own tears starting to fall. She comes around the other side of Buffy's bed, and climbs in with her, carefully. She puts her arms around Buffy and holds her. "It's gonna be ok, baby. It's gonna be ok".
Slowly, through her tears, Buffy tells her about the blackouts. Waking up and finding herself in strange places...bruised and beaten. About her dreams, and how she's afraid to sleep, fearing them. How she beats on herself, making herself black and blue... and realizing she's doing this during the blackouts. She doesn't know what's happening to her, but she's scared. She's been scared for a long time. She's been afraid, so afraid she'd wake up someday and find out she hurt Willow...or Dawn...
Willow is shocked. She hadn't realized how bad things had gotten for Buffy. She remembers she had a student ... not last year, but the year before... who was brilliant... when she showed up. But a lot of times she was out. Sometimes when she came to class, she ... zoned out. And she carried a lot of scars and bruises. Willow was afraid she was in an abusive relationship, and tried to talk to her about it... but the girl just clammed up. Wouldn't talk. Finally one day, she stopped coming. Willow found out later she'd committed suicide. They learned she'd been a victim of child abuse, and had repressed it all of her brief adult life. She finally couldn't deal anymore, and had killed herself.
What if Buffy... oh, god! No, won't let it happen. Can't let it happen!
" It's ok, Buffy, it's ok. I'm here, baby, " Willow says, holding the distraught girl best she can. " We're going to get you help, I promise. I'm here, honey, I'll never leave you".
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Epilogue:
From Willow's private journal.
" So of course, we got her help, and she got better, and we all lived happily ever after."
" Yeah, I wish! Fairy tales are fun, but they're not real. It's been six months now since Buffy started therapy, and she's making progress... but she has a long, long way to go. It's been hard on me, hard on Dawn, and really hard on Buffy."
" After that day in the hospital, I started looking for a qualified therapist. But Buffy is a unique case. Because she is who she is, how can she tell the average therapist about her 'secret identity' ? I finally contacted Giles, hoping maybe the council would have resources available for her situation. When I contacted him, and told him about Buffy, and what I suspected, there was a long silence on his side of the phone. I thought perhaps he hadn't heard me, and was starting to repeat myself when I heard him say a string of words I'd never heard out of Giles' mouth before. To say I was shocked... well, yeah, I was shocked, ok? Giles, swearing? Kind of like the pope swearing. It just doesn't happen."
" He not only arranged for a psychiatrist who was 'in the know' about Buffy's destiny, but he paid for him to come to California, and paid all incurred expenses. Even better, he came himself. I know Dawn and I needed someone to lean on sometimes, besides each other, because it hasn't been a day at Disneyland. More importantly, it helped Buffy. I know, because I saw the look on her face the night he arrived and she opened the door. Then she hugged him so tightly I thought she was going to break him. He didn't seem to mind, however."
" Slowly, the whole ugly, nasty story came out. Hank Summers began to emotionally abuse Buffy when she was around 4 or 5 years old. He started to sexually abuse her when she was 7. He destroyed her self confidence, and then used her for his own pleasure. He threatened her, telling her that if she ever told anyone, they would die, and she would be responsible. She tried to keep it a secret, but finally she told her younger cousin and best friend, Celia. It wasn't long after that that Celia was hospitalized, and died. Buffy blamed herself for her death... she never forgave herself. She vowed to herself she'd never tell anyone else."
"The abuse went on for years. The sexual part tapered out, but for years after, he still emotionally abused her, keeping her down, making sure she'd never tell anyone about the 'game' they played. Every chance he got, he used to undercut her self confidence and feelings of self-worth. For some reason, it ended abruptly a year or two before he divorced Joyce Summers. Perhaps he started cheating on Joyce, or found someone else to abuse. But it stopped before Buffy became a slayer."
" Often times, children who've been molested will become over-sexualized for their age, or turn to drugs/ alcohol for relief. This didn't happen to Buffy. Perhaps because of her calling. She found some kind of relief taking out her pain on monsters, demons and vampires. Ironically, her destiny, which can be so dangerous, may have saved her life... and her sanity... at least for awhile."
" The damage, however, was done. She's never been able to form a 'normal, healthy' relationship... not one that would meet most requirements for that. We know how her relationship with Angel turned out. She made love to him, he turned evil. That just reinforced her perceptions of sex and relationships. She actually on a deep level was relieved that they couldn't make love again. In her mind, at a deep level, sex was bad, evil, and dirty. She craved the intimacy, but having sex just made it dirty and sinful and wrong for her."
" Riley...never had a chance. He really loved her. But she had to literally divorce herself from the sexual part of the relationship. She never felt anything... because she wouldn't allow herself to feel anything. Because, it was wrong. That was how she saw it. Riley sensed the barrier, but didn't understand why the barrier was there. Finally, it broke them up. He couldn't deal, and she couldn't explain to him why."
"All this isn't to say she didn't have needs. She did. But to her, they were evil, to be repressed, put down. In a way, that's why the lust phase of her relationship with Spike was so intense. Why she did the kinky things( she told me about them... I still get the icks thinking about it) with him. Because, in her logic, he was evil , so it was ok for her to be evil with him. But then she began to care about him. And that brought on the withdrawal from the sexual portion of their relationship. Spike, being Spike, didn't understand it. So, he tried to force himself on her... ok, imagine how that made her feel? When he came back, later in fall, and had a soul... that put the last nail in their sexual relationship. Spike could sense that ... sex with Buffy wasn't going to happen, and he didn't let it happen again. Much as I hate to, I have to give him some small credit for that."
" What brought about the crisis was her isolation from her friends and family. When she went to 'find herself', she did... a part of herself that she'd kept suppressed for so many years. Her conscious mind couldn't deal with what was there, so she'd black out... not remembering what she did. But all the conditioning that Hank Summers had done on her came back, and she blamed herself for her sickness. This is when the self abuse began. The hitting. The cutting( she has scars on both arms... I didn't even realize what it meant... I'm so stupid!). She had no focus, because she was 'retired' as a slayer. She had no way to vent these feelings. So, she vented them on herself."
" A few times, she beat or cut herself so badly, she had to be hospitalized. But she's a lot cleverer than we give her credit for. She was able to charm her way out of explaining about how it happened. That's how she managed to do this to herself for those two years. She finally became so disgusted with herself, she hit bottom. She was going to kill herself. But something deep... something that wanted to live( her slayer?), found another way. She reached out... to me. I can't tell you how glad I am that ... I didn't ignore her, and reached back. I'm glad she came to me. If she'd died......"
" I don't know why she reached out to me. Maybe because I'm not a guy, she didn't feel unconsciously threatened by me. Maybe because we've known each other for so long, she felt she could trust me. I don't really care. I love her, and would do anything for her. I know, as much as she's capable right now, she loves me. As she makes progress, our love grows stronger, and deeper. We agreed that until she was ready, really ready, we'd refrain from sex. But that doesn't mean there isn't love. We kiss... god, I love kissing her. At night, we hold each other. It's good just having her in my arms. I can wait. I want her to be ready for more. I know when she's ready, it will be beautiful."
" So, here we are. Giles is living with us on a permanent basis...until at least, Buffy is well. He's delegated the day to day Council business to his associates, and can handle the rest by phone, if necessary. It's good to have him around, because he's providing something Buffy desperately needs: a loving, stable father figure. It's helping with her recovery, I know it. Dawn is with us, and it's been hard on her. It's hard for her to reconcile her memories of her father with the ... monster... that did this to Buffy. But she's dealing, and giving Buffy some much needed support. I think in a way, this has been good for their relationship. Buffy has always been the one looking out for Dawn, keeping her safe. I think she likes giving back. "
"As for me and Buffy? Well, like I said. Fairy tales are nice, but this is reality. There are backslides, we fight too often, and sometimes... it's just too much to take. But I'm hanging in. Because I know the ending's gonna be worth it. It's rough now sometimes, but it's getting better. And were gonna be so good together, so strong."
" Because, we got each other".
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Fin.