Just a little foolish
by Norwalker
Chapter 2
[reviews]
Just a little foolish
Part 2 of 2
By Norwalker
Pairing: Buffy/Willow
Rating: NC-17
Type: Romance/Angst
Summary: Well, a third part to the sorta series started by " April's Fools " and continued with " Foolish hearts". So, Buffy Summers decided that for now she'd just be Willow Rosenberg's friend. No pressure(much) or nothing... just be there so Will could get over her heartbreak over Kennedy. And she's of course never EVER going to let her go, right? Hmmm... does this sound like the Buffy and Will we know? And what about Dawn? Buffy still not clued in on that one, is she? Why am I asking all these questions? I don't have a clue, just keeping you on your toes.
Disclaimer: Oh yeah, Joss Whedon? He owns all these characters. Wonder what he'd think about what were doing with them?
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How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?
It's not like a broken arm. You can't watch it heal, exercise it, make it stronger. Not in the way you can an arm, or a leg. You just have to give it time. And patience. And love.
Willow returned to San Francisco and picked up her life, throwing her energy into building her business. She needed to keep busy; it helped to keep her emotions in control. She still had the hurt, the feeling of betrayal, the anger, but it wasn't overwhelming her. She was able to go on, one day at a time, and gradually, she was able to put things in perspective.
Her big problem was Dawn. It would've been so easy for her to write off Dawn. She could more than justify hating her, for what she'd done. Dawn was an adult, she should've known the consequences of her actions. But while that would've been easy, it wouldn't have been true.
To Willow, Dawn was family. She thought of Dawn as a little sister; she can remember plenty of times when she would defend Dawn to Buffy, even though she knew Buffy had a case against her sister. Willow and Dawn shared a lot of common interests, and of course, any time Dawn had a falling out with Buffy, it was Willow she came to. So, even though Dawn did something horrible to her, Willow couldn't just throw her away. Willow had a strong sense of family; just because you are fighting, you don't turn your back on each other. Maybe it was because her own parents so often left her alone, had their own life and often didn't include her in it, that Willow developed a strong sense of family loyalty. Whatever the reason, to Willow, it would've been a greater wrong to shut out Dawn, than what Dawn had done to her.
However, that didn't mean things were easy between them. Willow was angry with Dawn, and Dawn had major guilt over what she'd done. There were plenty of awkward moments between them. Both tried to work around it, get past it, but a wall had definitely come between them. They tried to pretend it didn't happen, but that didn't work. Then there were the little fights. Over stupid things, things that normally you'd just ignore. And the 'thing', the betrayal, would be there between them. They would dance around it, never bringing it up, but it was as if it had a life of it's own, and as long as it unresolved, it would always be there, threatening to blow up in their faces. Both felt their nerves reaching a breaking point. They finally resolved, independently but in silent agreement, to just stay out of each others way, both trying to avoid being together for any length of time.
Wanting to find a way to deal with the strife at home, and with the emotional conflicts in her heart, Willow turned to her Wiccan religion to find some balance. She took up where she and Tara had left off, and started studying more about it in the long evenings she spent at home alone. When she wasn't meditating or praying for guidance, she would explore the net, reading and meeting other Wicca. She found out she was something of a 'name' in the Wicca community; her power was legendary. It wasn't always pleasant; there were more than a few that felt she'd betrayed the principles of Wicca in her actions. The majority, however, were quite awed in meeting her, even if only on the 'Net. Being who she was, however, she downplayed her power, and sought to more a peer than an object of celebrity.
What she did find was a sharing, warm community that welcomed her, for the most part. She contributed her own knowledge and experience, and in turn learned from others. It gave her a sense of peace long missing from her life, and along with her meditation and prayers, she was able to explore herself as never before. She was able to let go of things that had been holding her back, emotions that played dark on her soul. Slowly, she came to accept what she'd done, and what had been done to her, and was able to get past the dark places that had frightened her, and held her back, for so long. She finally found a way to deal with all the conflicts within her, and she now, more truly than ever, began to heal.
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Willow comes home late one night after a particularly difficult meeting at work. They're bidding on a project that , if they land it, will increase the company's business 250%. She has plans and ideas of how they would service the client, based upon her own personal data she collected from her contacts in the client's company. Her partners, however, have their own ideas of how and what they should service, and it has been a long, tough fight to get her plan implemented. In the end, she has to pull rank as CEO and Chair of the company. She doesn't like to do that. It goes against her philosophy of running the company, but she knows she was right. She knows her plan is the best one to implement the projected goals of their client. So, in the end, she'd overruled her partners. But she hasn't liked doing it.
So when she enters her house that evening, she's feeling a little ragged and out of sorts. When she enters the kitchen and sees the dishes still sitting there from this morning, she's a little miffed. Dawn promised to do them, and here they are, still undone. She puts a kettle on the stove to heat some water for tea, and starts to fill the sink to do the dishes. Wait up. Dawn has to learn to be responsible. No way I'm letting her get away with this. Wondering if she's even home, Willow goes upstairs to Dawn's room.
As she approaches Dawn's doorway, she hears music coming from her stereo. Well, that question's answered. Now, lets see what excuse she gives for not doing the dishes. She knocks lightly on Dawns door, and gets no answer. Well, she's got the music cranked, what'd you expect? She knocks louder, calling out Dawn's name.
" Hey, Dawn... you in there?" Willow calls out, trying to get her attention.
" Go 'way," Dawn calls through the door, her voice sounding blurry and thick.
" Dawn? Hey, Dawn... it's me, Will." Willow calls out, suddenly feeling concerned. Something's wrong. Not waiting for a reply, Willow tries the door, finding it locked.
" Dawn? What's going on? Open up, ok? I want to talk to you" Willow says, her unease growing. Dawn almost never locks her door.
" G' Way. Don' wanna talk. Just go!" Dawn replies, her voice sounding very slurred.
"Dawn? Dawnie! Let me in!" Willow says, getting a little frantic now.
" No...wanna sleep now..." Dawn trails off.
Willow's in panic now. She starts to mumble a spell under her breath, and finishes off with " Open". Dawn's door flies open. Willow gasps at the scene before her.
Dawn's room is a wreck. Normally very neat, things are scattered everywhere, a lot of things broken into pieces. Her clothes are all over the place, a lot of them ripped or torn. Dawn herself is lying half on the bed, half off of it, face down on her bed. But what scares Willow most is the half empty bottle of liquor spilling on the carpet, obviously dropped from Dawn's hand, and the near empty bottle of pills on the floor.
"Dawnie... oh, my god, Dawnie" Willow cries out, running over to her. She lifts the girl up, and finds her passed out. She starts to slap her.
"Dawn, baby, wake up... c'mon honey, wake up!" Willow yells at her as she slaps her. Dawn, heavily drugged, stirs a little and half opens her eyes.
"Wha... dammit, lemme 'lone. So nice and peaceful, just wanna sleep...please, jus' lemme sleep..."
" No, you don't. You wake up. Do you hear me, Dawnie? Wake UP!" Willow yells at her. She struggles, but she manages to lift the girl off the bed, and slinging Dawn's arm around her shoulder, starts to walk and talk to her.
" C'mon baby, c'mon sweetie, stay with me, Dawnie. Don't you fall asleep on me, " Willow, walking her around, says to her.
" Hate me... know you hate me... I hate me....why won' you lemme 'lone...wanna..." Dawn trails off
" NO you idiot, I don't hate you. I love you. Just hold on, baby, helps coming. Hold on for me, baby, please" Willow pleads with her. She looks around Dawn's room, and thankfully, finds the cordless undamaged. She picks it up, and dials 911.
"911 emergency"
" Please... send an ambulance. I have a girl that's tried to commit suicide. She needs help now!"
" Ok, ma'am... I'm contacting the paramedics now. Is she breathing?" The operator asks.
" Yes... she took pills and liquor. I've got her on her feet, walking around... but she keeps going out on me."
" Alright, ma'am. That's good. Just keep her on her feet, and don't let her go to sleep. Do whatever you need to do to keep her awake. Let me confirm your address."
" My address is 25 Bayshore drive. Near Adams."
" Ok, ma'am... I've contacted the paramedics. Their ETA is 5 minutes. Please, try to keep her awake. Do you want me to stay on the line with you?"
"Yes, please" Willow says, anxiously.
" Ok... how is she doing? Is she awake?"
" Oh, damn!' Willow cries, realizing Dawn's drifted off again. Sticking the phone between her neck and shoulder, she starts to slap Dawn. For what seems like forever to Willow, but is only a couple of seconds, Dawn doesn't respond. C'mon baby, don't do this. Stay with me...please, baby, don't go away...not now!!!" Then Dawn rouses, and feeling the slaps, weakly slaps back at Willow... missing her, but hitting her shoulder.
" Ouch" Willow says, more surprised than anything
"What happened?" the 911 operator asks.
" She just hit me!" Willow says.
" That's good, really, that's good."
Willow hears the Paramedic's sirens in the distance, coming closer.
" I think they're here. I can hear their sirens." Willow tells the operator, " Going down to meet them"
" Ok, good. Is there anything else I can do?"
" No, thank you. Thank you so much, " Willow says, hanging up the phone.
Willow struggles, but manages to lift Dawn, using an augment spell to increase her strength. Carefully, she carries Dawn downstairs, and goes to the front door. Just as she reaches it, the Paramedics start to pound on the door, and she opens it, still carrying Dawn.
" We'll take her from here, ma'am" the first paramedic says, gently taking Dawn from Willow, and laying her on the mobile stretcher.
" You told the operator she took pills and liquor?" The second paramedic asks, " Do you know what pills?"
" T-T-The b-bottle's upstairs, " Willow stutters, beginning to be overwhelmed by what's happened, and starting to shake. " I... I c-can g-get it" she stutters out.
" Please do, ma'am" The second Paramedic says, " It'll help."
While the paramedics prepare Dawn for the ride to the hospital, Willow rushes upstairs to retrieve the bottle. She bursts into Dawn's room, and at first doesn't see the bottle. She searches frantically for it, finally seeing it exactly where it dropped. Picking it up, she rushes downstairs, almost slipping on a stair in her haste. Flushed, a little overwhelmed, and definitely scared, she hands the bottle to the paramedic.
" Thank you, ma'am, this'll help" the paramedic says, looking at the label. He turns to his partner. " We're going to have to start pumping her stomach now." His partner, pushing the stretcher to the truck, rolls it in and climbs onboard.
" Ma'am, we're going to have to leave now. If you want to ride along, you've got to come now." the Paramedic says.
"Yes, of course, let's go, " Willow says, pulling the door closed after her. She runs to the truck, and hops onboard. The paramedic inside pulls the door closed.
The ambulance, sirens wailing, takes off for the hospital.
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Later that evening, Willow is looking in at Dawn through the glass window of ICU. Dawn is lying asleep, hooked up to a vitals monitor and IV drip, a breathing tube down her throat. Her normally healthy coloring is replaced by a pallor, her eyes look bruised.
Oh, goddess, please, please let her live. Don't take her, not now. Please, give me another chance to make it up to her. I'll do anything, give anything ... just please, let her stay with us. Why, why, why didn't I tell her I love her? Why, why didn't I tell her I forgive her. I'm so stupid... so stupid. Dawnie, please, please fight it. Don't give up. I don't care what happened, please, stay with me. I need you, Dawnie. Don't die, baby. Please... gimme another chance, baby. Please...
" Ms. Rosenberg?"
Willow, startled, whirls around. She sees a man, in his mid-fifties, standing by her, dressed in the white coat of a doctor. He has brown hair and kindly brown eyes.
" Yes?" Willow says, not recognizing him. Her mind isn't really firing on all cylinders, so she doesn't realize that this is even a doctor.
" I'm Dr. Brown. I attended to Dawn in Emergency," the doctor says by way of introduction.
" Oh. Yes, of course. Sorry. Dr. Brown. How is she?" Willow asks, not entirely sure she wants the answer. Afraid to hear the answer.
" Well, she took a pretty lethal dose of pills. Never mind the liquor she used to wash them down with," Dr. Brown says, " It was touch and go for awhile there. But she's young and strong, and I believe she'll recover fully."
" Really? You mean it?" Willow says, hopefully.
Dr. Brown nods. " She's going to be ok, physically at least, " He says, cautiously.
" Physically?" Willow picks up on the qualifier.
" Suicide is a very serious thing, Ms. Rosenberg. We caught her in time this time, but there's always a chance she'll attempt it again."
"Oh, god, oh, god" Willow says, in a low tone. She squeezes her eyes shut, and bows her head, as if she just doesn't want to hear more.
" I'm afraid that I'll have to file a police report, Ms. Rosenberg, and also, she'll have to have a psychiatric evaluation before we can release her." Dr. Brown pauses, knowing the next question is a hard one. " Do you have any idea why she did this, Ms. Rosenberg?"
" It's all my fault. All my fault," Willow says, plaintively." I'm so stupid, so damned stupid."
Dr. Brown, seeing Willow is obviously needing to talk, gently takes her arm and leads her into a room nearby. He indicates she should sit down, and then sits down opposite her.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Dr. Brown asks, quietly.
" Dawn's sister and I... we've known each other for a long time. Dawn is like a little sister to me, and when she wanted to go to a school nearby, I of course offered to let her stay with me..." Willow goes on to explain what happened with Kennedy, and the aftermath. Dr. Brown listens, nodding occasionally. Willow finishes up with " ... and damn me, if I'd only told her that it didn't matter anymore, that I didn't care, that I loved her... and forgave her... this... wouldn't have happened. God, I'm so stupid... so damned stupid..." Willow trails off, the tears falling by now.
Dr. Brown reaches out, and puts a hand on Willow's shoulder. She looks up at him.
" It's been pretty hard on both of you, hasn't it?" Dr. Brown asks.
Willow nods, not trusting her voice right now.
" I'm not a therapist, Ms. Rosenberg, but I think it'll help if you tell her what you told me. I believe the guilt is a strong factor in her attempt. Knowing that you love her will help. But I do believe you both should seek some counseling, too. To help you get past what happened."
"Anything. I'll do anything, " Willow says, " whatever it takes."
" Ms. Rosenberg? Do me a favor, ok?" Dr. Brown smiles at her.
" Of course, Doctor, " Willow replies.
" Try to forgive yourself while forgiving Ms. Summers. I know you feel terrible because of what Dawn did, but you can't blame yourself, really. No one really knows what causes people to commit suicide... not definitively. Part of forgiving her is letting her know that things are ok... and you can't do that if you're beating yourself up, now can you?"
"No, I guess not," Willow replies, quietly.
" You mentioned Dawn had a sister?" Dr. Brown says, changing the subject. " Does she live near San Francisco?"
Willow shakes her head, "Actually, she lives in Cleveland."
Dr. Brown thinks for a minute, then replies, " Well, it's up to you, Ms. Rosenberg, but it might help Dawn if her sister were here with her. Do you think you can get in contact with her?"
"Oh, god, of course. I'll call her. I've just been so upset I ... forgot. Dammit, I'll call her right away. Of course it'll be better if Buffy's here..." Willow looks confused.
" It's alright, Ms. Rosenberg. It's been a hell of a night for you," Dr. Brown pats her shoulder sympathetically, " you can tell Ms. Summer's sister that she'll be alright, but it still would be a good idea if she come, if she can."
" Of course, I'll call her now, " Willow says. She pats her pockets, then realizes. " Damn. I left the house in such a hurry, I didn't bring anything with."
" Look, Ms. Rosenberg? Dawn is going to be asleep for the rest of the night. There's nothing you can do by staying here. Go home, and call her sister, then get some sleep, ok?"
"I don't want to leave her, Doctor... in case she wakes up...please?" Willow pleads.
"Ms. Rosenberg ... " He begins but Willow interrupts him.
" Please, Doctor... I don't want her to wake up alone..." Willow is near tears again.
" Ms. Rosenberg... I can guarantee she's not waking up for at least a few hours. Go home, make your call. I'm going to have her moved to a standard room, as soon as her vitals have stabilized. I'll see if I can't arrange for another bed to be place in the room... or something so you can get some rest."
" Thank you, thank you thank you!" Willow cries. Impulsively, she hugs the doctor.
" That's ok, Ms. Rosenberg, " He says, gently disengaging himself. " Just... go do what you need to do." He smiles, and pats her shoulder again, and leaves the room.
Willow closes her eyes for a minute. She prays that when she opens them, all this will be just a bad dream. She'll be at home, in her bed. Dawn in the next room, sleeping peacefully. But when her eyes open, she's still in the hospital.
Sighing, she stands up, making her way back to the hallway. She goes and checks on Dawn again, and sees her sleeping quietly. She turns and heads for the elevator.
As she waits for the car to arrive, she ponders what she's going to say to Buffy. Right now, she doesn't have a clue. She'll figure it out on the ride home.
The only thing she does know it's going to be one of the hardest calls she's ever made.
She enters the elevator, and the doors close behind her.
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Buffy was having a wonderful dream when the phone woke her.
In it, she and Willow were together, really together. They'd just finished making love( for what? The 5th time that evening) and were all sweaty and tired and sated. Or at least, they had pushed back the horny monster for awhile... because Buffy was firmly convinced she could never get enough of Willow.
Anyway, they were holding each other, looking deep into each other's eyes. Then they were kissing... a soft tender kiss... and then....
RIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG
Damn...what the hell? Buffy stirs out of her sleep, and looks at the clock on the nightstand. It's three o'clock in the morning. Who in hell would be calling me at 3 o'clock in the morning. This better be important...damned important, or whoever's on the other end of that line is going to find out what a slayer REALLY is!!!!
RIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG
Buffy pushes herself out of bed, and pads towards the phone. Just about as she's going to pick it up, something goes through her. Something tells her everything is not alright in the world. What the hell? Why do I feel that? Her anger quieted, she lifts the receiver.
" Hello?"
" Buffy?!"
" Will?" Buffy's voice softens, " Hey. I was just dreaming about you..."
" Buffy..." Willow says again, and suddenly Buffy picks up the plaintive note in her voice. A little chill goes through her.
" Willow? What's up?" Buffy asks, feeling concern, and not knowing why.
Willow hesitates. She doesn't know how to tell her.
" Buffy... it's Dawn... there's been an accident..."
Buffy feels her insides go cold. "... it's Dawn... there's been an accident..." Buffy's been dreading a phone call like this. Especially seeing how things between them have been so bad... Oh, god... what if... what if we never get to make it right between us? Buffy's grip on the phone tightens, and she feels as if she can't breathe.
" Is she... is she...?" Buffy can't say it. The thought is too horrible for her to contemplate.
" Buffy... it's ok... she's ok. The doctor says she's going to be fine, " Willow quickly adds, kicking herself for not saying that sooner. " It's just... I think she may need you here."
" Here?" Buffy asks, suddenly realizing that she doesn't know where Dawn is exactly, and ... What the hell are they calling Willow for? Where is she, exactly? "Willow, where's here? Where are you?"
" San Francisco, Buffy, " Willow says, " Look, I can't explain everything now. Dawn's been living with me for awhile... She needed help when ... well, when you two had you're falling out. So, she came here. I know, I should've told you... but ..."
" Never mind that now, Will. You say she's going to be ok?" Buffy asks, finding herself angry because Willow didn't tell her Dawn was living with her. Why didn't she tell me? And she's still mad at Dawn for what she did. " Why does she need me? I mean, you're there, right? She made it pretty clear, last time we 'talked' that she wanted me to stop interfering with her life. I think the exact words were " butt out, Buffy. I'm old enough to make my own choices". So, what makes you think she even wants me around?" As soon as the words are out, and the anger she feels with it, she's sorry she said it, " Oh, god, I'm sorry, Will. That's awful. I didn't mean that. But... if she's going to be ok, couldn't this call have waited til the morning? What can I do now?"
" Buffy... Dawn tried to commit suicide..." Willow explains, trying to keep the tears out of her voice, " I thought...she could use her sister by her side right now...."
Buffy grips the night table, nearly breaking off a piece of it. The dim light in the room becomes dimmer, she feels woozy and lightheaded. The edges of her vision become dark, and she has to call on every bit of her will to not pass out.
" Su-Suicide, Will?" Buffy croaks out, " What... what happened? Why?"
" There's things... things I didn't tell you, Buffy," Willow says, trying to hold herself together, and not go to pieces on the phone, " things I should've told you... but I can't do it on the phone. The important thing is, she needs you here... as soon as you can get here."
" Of course... of course, " Buffy says, distractedly, " I...I'll get the first flight out. Just, please, Willow... stay with her. You're like a sister to her. God, If I lost her... I don't know what I'd do... oh god..."
" She's going to be ok, Buffy, " Willow reiterates, trying to calm Buffy down, " Don't worry, I'll be here... I won't leave her ..."
" Thank god for you, Willow," Buffy says, feeling a little relieved, " I love you so much, baby. Thank you ... for being there for her... I'll ... I'll be there as soon as I can... promise."
" I love you too, Buffy," Willow has her eyes squeezed shut, hating herself at the moment.
" Bye, Will," Buffy says, hanging up the phone. She immediately calls to book a flight on the next available flight to San Francisco.
" Bye, Buff, " Willow whispers, after Buffy hangs up. She stands there, staring at the receiver for a moment.
She fears that when Buffy learns why Dawn committed suicide, what they have will be over.
She hangs up the phone, picks up her purse, and heads out the front door, back to the hospital.
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Dawn slowly opens her eyes, then quickly squeezes them shut. The light's too bright, and hurts her eyes.
Am I in heaven? Is that why it's so bright? No... can't be... not after what I've done.
Tentatively, she opens them again, very slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the light. She realizes that she's in a hospital room. She can feel the itch of the IV in her arm, hear the sounds of the vitals monitor. Her head feels woolly and fuzzy and 3 sizes too large. Her mouth is dry, and feels like something crawled into it and died. She feels like someone has beaten her with a baseball bat, over every part of her body. Her throat feels raw, like someone's been using sandpaper on it.
I'm alive. I can't feel this crappy and be dead. Why aren't I dead?
Vaguely, she remembers bits and pieces of last night. She remembers being on her bed, taking pills, and chasing them with tequila. She remembers passing out, then someone slapping her, screaming at her. Hauling her out of her nice, nice sleep, and walking her around... dragging her around... Willow... it was Willow... she did it...
Why? Why'd she do it? Why couldn't she just let me die? God, I don't... I can't...shit...
Slowly, because her neck feels like it's stiff as an iron pipe, she looks around the room. Her vision is still fuzzy; after effects of the pills and liquor she consumed. She sees a dark shape slumped over, near her bed. It takes her a second to process that it's a person. It takes another second to realize that the person is holding her hand. And then she realizes who it is . Willow... oh, God!
Willow, drowsy from lack of sleep, feels Dawn's hand move in hers, and she is instantly awake. She looks down to see Dawn looking up at her. Dawn pulls her hand away from Willow.
" Hey, " Willow says, reaching out to take Dawn's hand. Dawn , frowning, scrunches away from her. " Dawn?"
Dawn, all the guilt rushing back, turns her head from Willow. She won't, she can't look at her.
" Dawnie?" Willow asks, trying to get Dawn to look at her, " honey?"
" Go away, Willow...please?" Dawn begs her, her tone mournful, " Please... just leave me alone..."
" Dawnie, we got to talk about it," Willow says, reaching out to touch her face. Dawn recoils, slapping her hand away.
" NO... I don't WANT to talk... I want to die... just go...GO!" Dawn screams. " GO!" She turns her face away from Willow, moving as far away as she can.
Willow, fearing to upset her more, retreats. She finds herself in the corridor, looking at the door to Dawn's room. She turns and walks to the waiting area, feeling defeated, angry, hurt, and tired... incredibly tired.
She sits on the non-descript, uncomfortable waiting-room couch... the ones that seem to be made exclusively for hospitals. She is leaning over, staring at the floor. The magazine she's been trying to read is rolled up in her hand. She can't seem to get past the first paragraph... none of the words make sense to her. She can't get her mind off of Dawn... what she found last night, how scared she was when she thought, even for a second, that she'd been too late. How scary it's all been. She goes over and over in her mind, Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I catch the signs? God, if I'd been even a few minutes later ... Willow has been keeping all the feelings bottled in, but she's beyond her breaking point. Without realizing it, the tears start to fall, and she's sobbing.
" Willow?"
Willow looks up, and Buffy is standing there. Her hair is flying in all directions, she's sans makeup, and her clothing is whatever she could find to dress as quickly as possible. She's carrying a bag, and looks like she just walked out of a rainstorm
Willow doesn't believe she's ever seen anything more beautiful in her life.
" Buffeee" Willow cries out, jumping up from her seat and running over to Buffy, hugging her tightly. Buffy makes a slight ' oomph ' noise when Willow hits her full force. Willow clings to her, the hurt and pain all coming out. She's sobbing and shaking.
" Willow?" Buffy repeats, concerned... dreading something has happened to Dawn, " Is it Dawn... did something happen... is she...?"
" No... she's... she's ... alive... oh... Buffy" Willow sobs, " It's all my fault... all my fault..."
" Your fault? Will? What're you talking about?" Buffy asks, confused. As gently as she can, she leads Willow to the couch and sits her down. She puts her arm around Willow, and patiently waits until she can talk, seeing as she's crying as if she's lost her last friend.
Slowly, through the sobs and tears, Willow outlines to Buffy what happened between Kennedy and Dawn. How she caught them, and the aftermath. Willow does her best to downplay Dawn's role in the affair, instead taking a larger share of the blame herself. During the whole recitation, Buffy sits holding Willow, her face impassive, and her expression unreadable. When Willow finishes, she speaks.
" Will, you know I think you're probably the smartest person I've ever known. I can't even conceive thinking the things you are able to do. But right now, and don't be upset, you're pretty damned stupid."
" Huh?"
" IF there is someone that is so totally not to blame in this mess, Willow Rosenberg, it's you! You opened your home to Dawn when I , being a jackass, refused to help her out. I mean, geeze, ok, she didn't want to go to Cambridge. Is that any reason to act like a child... like I did? I should've thought about Dawn, and what she was going through. But I got all huffy and puffy and dumped big-time on her. If I hadn't been such a stubborn dumb ass, maybe she wouldn't have been there in the first place...
" But besides that, Dawn is a grown up now. She's responsible for the things she does. She hurt you, Will, and she broke your trust. She knew what she did was way beyond wrong. But she made that choice, and if she thought she was going to get a get out of jail free card, she thought wrong. She messed up."
" B- But Buffy, I should've... I should've let her know somehow that... I don't care about that. That ... she's more important to me than what she did. Goddess, Buffy, she nearly died last night..." Willow looks distressed.
" She didn't, though, did she? Why? Because you were there to help her. God, if anyone is to blame here... at least on the be- there- for- you score, I'm the one to blame. I wasn't here for you, or for her. She's my sister, but you've been a better sister to her than I've been."
" Buffy, don't" Willow say.
" No, Will. It's true. If anyone besides Kennedy and Dawn are the blame, it's me. I should've been more of support-o girl when she wanted to change schools. I shouldn't have been so mean to her. I know I said she's a grown up, but she... well, she's still a kid, in some ways. Let's face it Willow, in some ways she's a brat... just like her older sister!. I let her down, and I let you down. Not feeling so proud of myself at the moment."
" Buffy, shhh. It's ok," Willow says, touching her cheek.
" No, Will. It's NOT ok. That's been my whole problem. I don't speak what I'm feeling, I don't say what's really in my heart. I'm too much a coward. Don't even give me that look, Will. I'm a coward. I loved you, loved you for years, and what do I do? I bottle it up, I keep it to myself. I almost lose you, YOU, the most important thing in my life, because I'm too scared to tell you I love you. How brave is that? I was so afraid you'd reject me, or be disgusted with me, I nearly spent my life without you. All because I was too much of a ... mpphfff ... mmmm"
Willow shuts Buffy up the only way she can think of . She kisses her. Buffy is taken by surprise, and for a moment just stands there wide eyed as Willow puts the lip lock on her. Then she slips her arms around Willow, and returns the kiss.
" Ummm, " Buffy says, when they break the kiss to breathe, " What was that for? Not that I'm objecting..."
" You wouldn't shut up. I had to shut you up, " Willow says, a small smile gracing her lips.
" Well, you can shut me up that way any time you want, " Buffy says, leaning in for another kiss. But Willow stops her, putting her fingers to Buffy's lips.
" No, not yet. First, you gotta listen to me. It's my turn to talk, Buffy, " Willow says, " Thing is, I've had all night to put this together. Sitting with Dawn, nearly losing Dawn, made me face things I just didn't want to face, Buff. Yeah, you were a coward Buffy, but so was I. I didn't want to deal with what I was feeling either. I was afraid to really confront you on what happened at the April fool's dance so many years ago, because I feared I'd lose you. Let's face it, Buffy. When what happened, happened, we weren't ready for it. We were too young to deal with the fact that maybe we were in love with each other. It was too freaksome. We were both girls. We weren't supposed to have those feelings about each other. At least, that's what we'd been told. It was too icky. At least, that's what we believed. So we put it aside, didn't talk about it, because it just couldn't be.
" It wasn't until college, and I met Tara, that I realized something. You don't choose WHO you love... we aren't that lucky. We love whom we love. Tara was brilliant. She showed me that loving a woman was just as beautiful, just as fulfilling, as loving a man. It's the who that's inside that's important, baby. Not the outside. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm so loving the outside, too" Willow smiles, and playfully squeezes Buffy's ass. Buffy yelps." But really, when it comes down to it, it's who you are, and not what you look like, that counts."
" You know, don't you Will, that if I could, I'd trade my right arm to bring Tara back for you, " Buffy says, sincerely, " I love you to pieces, Will. But I know you loved her, and I'd be happy for you."
" You see, that's what I love about you, Buffy," Willow says, " a lot of people would say the same thing, but I know, I know that you would do it. In a heartbeat. Because that's what you do. You lead with your heart, Buffy. You always have. You put what's important here, " Willow points to Buffy's heart, " before what's important here," Willow taps Buffy's head." When you say you love me, Buffy, I can believe that. Because the one thing you'd never lie about is what's in your heart." Willow looks at Buffy intently, trying to gauge her mood. " You know why I loved... or wanted to love Kennedy, Buffy, don't you?"
" Truthfully? No," Buffy says, simply.
" Because, and don't get pissy on me Buffy, she reminded me a lot of you."
" You know you're so gonna pay for that, Will" Buffy growls.
" Chill, Buffy, because it's true, and I'm thinking, that's why you two could never get along. You've got too much in common..." Buffy's erstwhile smile turns to a frown. " Now, don't get that way, Buffy. Like you, Kenny would defend those she cared about to the ground. She was brave, and got into the face of anyone she thought was dissing someone she thought a friend. She let her heart rule her head. On the negativo side, she was a bit spoiled, a bit bratty, and stubborn as hell. Remind you of anyone we know?"
" I'm not stubborn, " Buffy pouts.
Willow goes on, blithely ignoring Buffy's remark, " Thing was, I wanted to see the Buffy in her, and rather overlooked the other, less appealing aspects. Like, her real commitment issues, for one, " Willow grimaces. It still hurts, "See, I wanted her to be you, I put a lot of time trying to mold her into you... and I think in the end? That's what really killed it. It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to me, and it really wasn't fair to you. Because, there's only one you, and I want you... I've waited way too long to have anything but the original." Willow sees Buffy's expression. " What? ... What?"
" Enough talk, ok? Can we just kiss now?" Buffy says, pulling Willow close. She doesn't give Willow a chance to answer. The kiss is long, warm and affectionate. When it ends, Willow leans on Buffy, laying her head on her shoulder.
"Does this mean we're together now?" Buffy asks, softly.
" Uh-huh"
No more waiting?" Buffy inquires.
" Nuh- uh"
" Ok, then... what're we going to do about Dawnie, then?" Buffy asks, " I mean, you're the smart one."
Willow looks pained. " I dunno. I'm kinda making it up as we go along." She sighs, " All I know is, we gotta let her know that we love her, no matter what. No matter what stupid, hurtful things she does. No matter how big a dummy she is."
" Sounds pretty smart to me, Will, " Buffy says. She breaks their hug, and takes Willow's hand. " I think we might want to go see her, now."
" She's pretty freaked, Buffy. Don't be hard on her, ok?"
" Wasn't planning on it, Will." They start for Dawn's room.
" Hey, do you think two cowardly ex- morons can teach a dummy to be an ex-dummy?" Willow asks, turning to Buffy.
" I sure hope so, " Buffy replies, as they reach Dawn's door, " I really hope so"
They enter the room, the door swinging shut after them.
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Fin.