Girl's Night Out - Too
by Exiled-Too
Part Four
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Part Four
You Darkness
You Darkness, that I come from,
I love you more than all the fires
That fence in the world,
For the fires makes
A circle of light for everyone,
And then no one learns of you.
But the darkness pulls in everything:
Shapes and fires, animals and myself,
How easily it gathers them!-
Powers and people-
And it is possible a great energy
Is moving near me.
I have faith in the nights.--Rilke
"What in the world just happened?" is the first thing I think.
"How dare she!" is the second, and I stare at the daylight shining on the floor from the open trapdoor.
"Oh no you don't!" is the third thing, and I'm halfway up the wooden ladder before I realize that I have no clothes on. That makes me stop in mid-step and then all my indignation just begins to drain out of me. All my energy goes with it, so that I end up sitting on the bottom riser staring off into space.
The only thought I have is: 'What in the Hell just happened?' It's repeating over and over because I really don't know. I woke up, Buffy and I made love, but it was more than 'making love' it was like ... the deepest connection I've ever known.
Buffy was, she was ... so beautiful, so incredibly alive; all her attention was focused just on me. On me, and I was connected to that, to her, to everything, and now I'm not. Now I'm back in my skin, I'm no longer connected with Buffy. I have no weird second or overlapping vision, no sense of what's through the trap door above me
I'm totally alone.
I don't understand how I can doubt her love for me now; but I do. How could she just take off like that if she didn't regret what we did? How could she leave me here in this hole in the ground, after what we just shared?
Unless she didn't? Leave me that is ....
We should still be in bed talking, about what just happened, the connection. Or cuddling, I could go with cuddling ... not sitting here alone and cold.
"What just happened?" I ask again, and things don't magically clear up for me. But I do begin to feel ... anger and fear. I am mad at the fates every bit as much as I'm frustrated at her. It's not something as mundane as a relationship issue; it's more, or deeper.
"Oh Buffy, what's wrong with you?" I ask aloud and ... did I just hear something from above? It doesn't matter if she's still up there or not ... she's beyond me at the moment.
I start looking around at the cave, it has a bed, a compact fridge, and a line with my drying clothes hanging from it.
Well. that answers the issue of clothes, and with that I start having flashes of Buffy holding me up in a lukewarm shower. I remember that we were covered in demon gore, and now that I think of it I can see the stains on my clothes. I have a flash of her touching me, she was being so gentle, so careful, as if I was made of glass. I could feel her worry, too. I think harder trying to capture the vague images in my mind, but they were more feelings of soft touches and a sense of being loved than actual images... she was worried, she was just so worried ... the memory slips away. And I'm upset, saddened that I can't bring it out. I think something might have happened that was important ... only it's lost, gone.
I suddenly have to yawn, and I feel so exhausted that all I can think about is how comfortable the bed looks, how it would smell like her, and I want to just climb back into it. Climb back into it and pretend that the sheets and covers are her. That she's still holding me so tightly, that her sleepy emotions are washing over me .... I wake when I nearly fall off the stair.
"Come on Willow!" I say the words aloud to shake myself awake. I don't know where I am or if this place is safe without Buffy here. Only, I know I'm safe here, as safe as my dorm room, anyway. I think I asked her about it last night ... I wish I could remember!
I have to find her; I know that she wouldn't just leave me here! I know it, so she must be close.
I stumble over to my clothes and notice that the stains aren't as bad as I thought, they look a little rough, but they aren't torn. As I put them on I think about how to find Buffy or make her come out of hiding and then I realize that it's useless. Even if I could she wouldn't talk.
"Why are you so stubborn! You can tell me! You can tell me anything!" I shout at the hole in the ceiling.
Then I whirl around because it was almost like she was in the room with me. I felt her presence so intensely that I'm stunned when I don't see her standing there. Which makes me mad at her for leaving me here.
"Hear that Buffy! This is now your deal!" I shout the words as I pretend that she's standing in front me. "I don't know what's the up with you; I want to help you, I do ... I love you damn it!" And the pain of separation washes over me again, making it impossible to breathe. "Oh, God Buffy I don't want to give up, I loved waking up in your arms!. But it just can't be one way." I finish sadly.
A shimmery tingling touches the back of my mind for only a second. Just a feather's touch, so light that I'm not really sure it happened. Only if it did, then it means that Buffy does care, maybe she will be able to work her way back to me .... Hope rises up and burns some of the exhaustion away. I hadn't realized that I was on my knees until I taste the salt of my tears.
"Please Buffy, let me in!" I cry ... to silence. The feeling is gone. The sense of presence is gone; nothing is left but me in a big hole in the ground.
I'm so tired by the time I make it back to my dorm that all I want to do is sleep. I took the bus because I realized that Buffy's little hidey hole was on the other side of Sunnydale from the College. Why she carried me there is yet another mystery. The bus ride was horrible with crying babies, teenage lovers who wouldn't speak to each other, and one desperate single mother. All I could do the entire way was sit facing the window hoping that no one would talk to me, and thank God they didn't.
I don't care right now; I don't care about anything except for collapsing into my soft, warm bed. I strip off the clothes and just pass out on the bed, I have no idea what time it is, I have no idea if I had a test today, all I want to do is sleep.
And I dream:
I find myself outside in the bright sunlight. I'm standing in front of a High School as the classes let out for the day. I don't know how I know this, I just do. I also realize that no one can see me standing here.
My attention is brought to three prissy little girls walking down the sidewalk. And I recognize the Cordiela-like hanger-on's to the one in the middle. She has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile; I instantly feel like I must try to protect her.
I'm drawn to her. She's so tiny and terribly young. There is innocence, a childlike quality about her that makes her absolutely lovely. I see an old man in a suit walk up to her and I feel a deep sense of loss wash over me. I try to stand between them but they look right through me as if I'm not there. The beautiful little girl is about to meet a horrible fate ... and then I recognize her... Buffy.
Buffy before I met her, before she had the guarded look in her eyes. Before her eyes turned old. Before I would look into them and wonder if they were that shade of blue because the Slayer was peering out of them, or if the lighting of the room or sun changed the color. Xander and I once spent an entire afternoon discussing Buffy's eyes and how they seemed to change. He was sure it was the light and I ...didn't know.
Now I know, I am drawn to watching her eyes as she sits there talking to the old man, she sounds so confused ... so incredibly fragile. Her eyes are a brilliant green in the bright afternoon sun. But even as I observe her conversation with this man, a man that has Watcher written all over his face, his clothes, his self importance ... I start to see a her eyes changing, I begin to see tiny hint of blue fire peeking out.
'So now you've seen ....'
And the truth is starting to form in my mind. The truth that I'd known all along and didn't want to face. The truth is staring at the man, Buffy's first Watcher, and he sees it, he knows he has the right little girl ... the truth is the Slayer.
I sit down on the stairs next to her; I want to beg her not to go with the man, Merrick is his name. I'm sick and wish I've never seen the untouched light Buffy had before she was called.
The scene stops and then flows again, only now it's night. I see a flash of blonde hair behind some trees so I go to her. I can't help myself, I have to follow wherever she might lead me.
She's sitting on the ground with the old man's head in her lap. The fact that her first Watcher was killed never really hit me before. I knew the facts, just not what it meant.
She's sitting there crying, no, not so much crying as whispering to him to wake up, to please not be dead. That's she's so sorry! She only wanted to feel what it was like to be normal one last time ... she wants him to please live and let her die instead ... anything. She'd do anything to stop the pain, to know that this wasn't her fault ... anything.
'So now you've seen ....'
The green in her eyes is the color of fresh spring grass, made brighter because of her tears. A boy comes up to her, he's talking to her and she's trying to listen. Trying to draw comfort from him, I can see little threads of white magical light leave her heart and touch his--but it doesn't work—he can't feel her pain. So the light sadly withdrawals, she can't make him something he isn't.
I hear a sound and she does too. Instantly her eyes change into the blue fire and now I'm sure.
'So now you've seen ...' Yes, I have, but more importantly, now I know.
An insistent sense that someone is in the room wakes me ... it's dark, so I don't know how long I was asleep. I lay still and listen for someone or something, anything. The air has a current to it, an intensity, like before a storm.
I know that someone is in here with me, I know it. But I don't hear anything, and seeing in the dark ... not without that weird second sight thing Buffy did last night. My heart is racing, and I feel sweat begin to bead on my forehead and still I hear no movement, not even breathing—I should think vampire—I don't.
I'm safe.
How do I know that?
I just do, the current is familiar and I remember feeling it last night with Buffy.
When I realize that fact I can calm my racing heart enough to feel the tingling in the back of my mind...
"It's me." Answers from the dark. Buffy's voice. No vampire, no Hell God. Just Buffy.
Just Buffy? And more odd behavior; visiting me in the middle of the night ...after, after this morning. I sit up in the middle of my bed trying to see her. My anger from this morning comes rushing back, then the grief from the dream.
"What are ..." My throat is dry so the words croak out. I stop and swallow. "What are you doing here?"
"When Giles couldn't reach you all day I got worried." She answers simply with no emotion whatsoever invading her voice. And now that I'm beginning to wake up I smell what could only be bagels and mochas.
"I turned on my answering machine before going out last night and forgot it this morning." I tell her, glancing at the angry flashing red light of the device. Trying to gather my wits, trying to figure out what's happening now. If my dream was real or not.
I hear her move and the lamp on the desk flashes on—blinding me. When I'm able to blink my sight clear I see her standing by the desk with the bagel bag in her hand ... and she's just staring at me. I follow her eyes and realize that I'm still naked, my breasts puckered from the cold air.
I glance back at Buffy: A deep red blush is forming at the base of her neck and the tingling in the back of my mind turns solid between us. I can almost see lightening arcing back and forth. I feel a tension forming in my belly and moving up my spine to my head. And the tension meets or forms right between my eyes, and I feel something expanding, growing, or opening—then the strange energy just flares out through the air answering the same calling from her.
And the duel sight is back all of a sudden, it's less confusing now that I know what's happening. But no less awe inspiring as I see two Buffys, one made of golden light with a hint of blue, and one the Buffy I know.
The word aura flows into my fuzzed brain. That's Buffy's spirit or soul, I think.
But it's solid Buffy that I concentrate on to keep grounded because the storm of need and desire has started again. I watch her as the deep blush covers her face, I can see the pulse at the base of her neck pounding between shallow breaths. I see her eyes deepen in color and in longing.
I feel something almost explode out of me and a white cord reaches for her. I look down and see that the strand of light is coming out of my heart. It looks exactly the same as in the dream. It wraps around the golden Buffy, it's absorbed into her heart. The bag drops from her nerveless fingers, and I'm mildly happy that the Mocha's are sitting safely on my desk.
I am so confused and yet at the same time, it feels right. This being connected to her is like coming home after a long journey.
"This was a mistake ... I shouldn't have come ... I can't control her." She says as her eyes briefly flash blue only to fade back into dark green. Buffy wants me, she wants me in her arms so badly I can see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
I force a stillness inside of me, I'm just barely able to stop my need from arcing back to her. We have to talk about what's happening to Buffy and if one of us isn't in control then we will end up back in bed. Not that it's a bad thing, making love to her—she just can't handle it right now.
Buffy has a look of complete and utter shock on her face. I sense that she about to bolt and I can't have that happening, not again. I don't know how I do it but I pull on the cord between us and she takes a halting step towards me, the lightening show between us flaring up. She's trying to back up, back away both physically and inside. I feel her as she tries to separate us from the connection—her fear of something burning through it. The storm around us intensifies as she struggles to be free.
I won't have it this time. I won't wait, I won't be patient, and I won't let her go. She could have died last night and for just this one time I'm going to be selfish and demand she stay.
I yank harder on the cord and she is nearly knocked off her feet as she's pulled another step closer to me. The expression on her face changes from desire to terror and her eyes are dilated for an entirely new reason. She's fighting me, but she's also fighting herself as her aura flashes with reds and blues.
"I love you Buffy!" I tell her out loud. I want her to hear the words and, just like with magic, the words form a focus point for me. "I love you, you're safe, just let go." I repeat it over and over.
I stop pulling on her, I can see the battle she's raging within herself and I now have some idea of what's happening. I don't yank on our connection or try to control her through it; I just pour all my love into her.
"You don't understand, she's not safe!" Buffy yells back at me, desperate. "She's all want, take, have, like Faith!"
"I love you, just let go!" I don't know where those words come from but they seem to be hitting the mark.
"She raped you this morning! I can't let her hurt you!" Buffy is crying, the hot tears streaking down her cheeks.
"Buffy," I stand up from the bed, letting the covers fall so my best friend, lover, will see my nudity and know I have nothing to hide. "Buffy, she loves me and would never do anything to me I didn't want. You could never do anything I didn't want to happen."
I lessen the hold the white cord has on her and allow her to turn away. I watch as she sobs into her hands. I can't touch her physically right now because our perceptions are too intense. Contact would throw it out of control.
"I wanted to make love to you this morning." I tell her, and I realize that all my walls are crumbling along with hers. The fear rushes up from inside me but I stomp it down. "It's always been you, since the first moment I saw you...."
Buffy pulls in a deep breath, I sense her fighting to stay calm. After a few moments she turns back around, her face a mask of uncertainly.
"She's not safe." Buffy repeats.
"I know." I answer, and I do know. I remember the pain she was in when she hurt her shoulder, or how Glory was able to easily defeat her, or how she couldn't hold me up after the fight, was it only last night? If she can't trust the Slayer then one of these days she's gonna get killed. And what's worse is that Buffy knows it, too.
"She's not safe." Buffy repeats, yet again. The tears flowing freely but no longer with a hysterical edge. I sense a shift within her. She's always trusted me with the small things. Now she's fighting to trust me now.
I watch Buffy take a huge breath and as she's releasing it I feel it catch ... then surrender... and her expression transforms into total love, total acceptance, and the tears stop flowing down her face and the look of innocence washes over it.
The connection changes, it grows darker, more intense, more dangerous. I look at Buffy's aura and instead of being golden with a blue tint, its now mostly a deep dark navy. Almost black.
The connection between us now calls to something long buried inside me. Something so old that I'd forgotten it was ever there ... and now I know who is standing before me. Who I called to me ....
The Slayer.