Girl's Night Out - Too
by Exiled-Too
Part Three
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Part Three
When I wake I feel several things at once; strong arms wrapped tightly around my midsection, a warm body pressed against my back, and a shimmery tingling nudging at the edge of my mind. The tingling is just there, it's a part of me, a part of Buffy so I trust it completely.
I open my eyes to total blackness and yet I'm not afraid or worried because I feel her. Yes, I know she's holding me so closely that I doubt a sheet of paper would fit between us, she's so close that her breath is tickling the back of my neck, but that's not why I don't fear my blindness. The reason is that weird connection is back, the one I felt before the battle with Glory, and through it I can sense everything around me. Like I was able to tell that Glory's demon army was rushing out of the woods and over the hill before they reached us.
I also know that Buffy is very deeply asleep, that's she's in that almost coma-like state she slips into after a major battle or injury. 'I guess being thrown through a 2 foot thick cement wall after slaughtering 30 scabby demons wore her out?' I question ironically, since I was the one who collapsed from exhaustion. As I become more aware I realize that I am refreshed, healed.
I touch the back of her hand that's wrapped around me. When there is no response through the connection, or physically, I know that she's out, she is totally gone. Or is she really? If it wasn't for the connection I would think so, now with this—bond—that we have I'm not so sure. The thought is lost as I marvel at my perceptions, I know we are in a cave or cavern, I know we are in a bed, and I know there isn't another living or dead thing within a mile of us.
I've felt her extend this, this what? Slayer Sense? I've been aware of it before, the night Spike tried to ambush us, I felt it again at the Bronze when she hurt her shoulder. I've heard Giles say that Buffy could sense demons, I observed her pull away from a physical touch, and I looked up the meaning of Empath in the dictionary. All words, nothing, meaningless, when faced with this .... Perception. This knowing, I can only feel Buffy, and yet I'm having trouble distinguishing between her sleepy emotions and mine. I never knew it was this sensitive; it must be exhausting filtering through all the input she receives day in and out.
"So now you've seen ...." Echoes in my mind, she kills with her hands ... she feels each death. "So now you've seen ...." Yes, but what exactly did I see?
Like a child in a candy store I play with the bond; I take her hand in both of mine and as I trace the fine bones I realize that if I open my mind I see a shivery light begin to outline her fingers. When I push against the bond, trying to see more, her hand almost becomes invisible again. When I sit still in my own mind, when I let a sleepy contentment wash over me, her hand comes into prefect focus. Then I see her arm ... I'm sure I could see everything if I wanted to turn over or move, which I don't.
I continue to examine her hand, it's so beautiful. I test the weight, I compare it against mine, and I'm struck by how tiny she is ... and it hits me like a sucker punch to the gut that she would have died tonight if I hadn't been there.
And once that thought surfaces I feel my chest begin to tighten as if a giant snake was wrapped around it, squeezing the air out. I can't breathe, the thought of losing her is crushing me--like the tons of rock and blackness all around me. I need air, I need light, .... I need and I need....
There is a mouth covering mine, strong arms wrap around me, and a small warm body covers my chilled one. And I feel her need, she wants me to let her in, she needs me to open myself up to her ... and that's what I want too. So I let her in by deepening the kiss, and all of the sudden I can see the cavern as if it's bathed in light. I am momentary stunned into breaking the kiss, into opening my eyes, to darkness. It's confusing, being able to see with my eyes closed, but not with them open. And then it doesn't matter as her hands tangle in my hair and her mouth finds mine again.
I thought there was a connection before, I thought we were close, nothing could prepare me for this, as her small hand strokes down my side leaving a trail of fire. Just kissing her right now is a more profound experience than any I've ever had; it's more inmate than anything I've ever felt. I often teased Tara that I wanted to climb into her, with Buffy I think I can .... And I feel Buffy's surprise and wonder begin to arc back to me.
The emotion, the love is building within me, I feel her hands on my body, it's like they are molten fire burning their way across my skin. She takes a gasping breath as my hands dance across her back, trying to touch her everywhere at once. I'm trying to pour this love that I've had bottled up inside me for all these weeks, months, years, into her. I can no longer contain it inside my skin and I must give it to her or else I will die.
The love is still building, the tension, the emotion within me, and within her--our love for each other is arcing back and forth through the bond—it is so strong that the cavern is literally glowing with our light. What our hands and mouths are doing is a mirror to what we feel.
And the tension just keep building, growing, bouncing back between us until I think we are going to go up in flames. And we do, we burn, we fuse together, we are locked in one moment, one point in time where we have become, I can't tell where she ends and I begin. We've turned inside out together ... we are no longer trapped within our skin.
Our souls are entangled and slowly I become aware of her body, wrapped around me. We are breathing each other's breath we are so close. But, we can't stay that way, so as I feel her body cool down, I feel her need to calm down.
Then I begin to feel overloaded, this touching, this climbing into her spirit or soul is overwhelming me. And I know that she needs to climb back into her own skin, to pull away from me.
I let her go. I release her in my mind and I let my hands fall to my sides.
She has to have time to understand what just happened and I have to figure out it out, too. I have to know, to examine, how we could turn inside out together. She rolls off me so that we aren't touching physically and I can't help the loneliness that rises up from inside.
"Petite Mort" Little death. Roethke wrote that the separation of self after love making was like death ... and I always thought it was over dramatic ... now I know differently.
So many things I have learned tonight, so many things I still need to know.
"So now you've seen ...." It's an echo that follows us, I need to figure out what it means.
She moves to the other side of bed -- then the bond slams completely shut — out of nowhere the cold rushes up to meet me. I'm left sitting in the dark, unable to see, or sense, anything. I am totally closed back inside myself and I hate it. I reach out to her with my mind and meet a solid wall.
I can't stand not touching her in some way after what we just shared so I move my hand to stroke her back ... only I feel the mattress shift as she gets up off the bed.
And I curse my blindness.
"Buffy?" I question, after what I just experienced talking seems like a clumsy way to communicate.
"Oh my God, what has she done!" I hear the painful wail come out of the dark and then daylight floods into the chamber from above. When I blink my eyes clear, Buffy is gone through a trap door in the ceiling.