What I Am
by sailor80
What I Am
[reviews]
Disclaimer: The Buffyverse and its inhabitants belong to Joss Whedon and a bunch of companies.
Distribution: http://www.ikoly.com Anywhere else, please ask first.
Feedback: Appreciated to sailor680@yahoo.com
'How do I know if this is the right thing to do?' Buffy wondered. 'The right thing to do for her? She's been happy when I've seen her. And still, she gets this look, like maybe that's not exactly what she wants. Or needs. How am I supposed to know? All I know is that when I see her with Tara, when she talks about Tara, I want to hit something. Will's mine, damn it. I've wanted her since seeing her. And all this time, being friends, best friends, I shoved that away because how could she like me that way? I want to do what's best for her, not just what I want, cause hey, I'm so good with relationships. But it hurts. Maybe I just need a best friend fix. We've been so busy since school started, and even with her living here, I hardly see her. Yeah, pizza and popcorn and bad movies and time with Will.'
Buffy sidestepped and reached out. She staked the vampire who thought he was sneaking up on her, tucked the stake back up her sleeve and kept walking. She was preoccupied with Willow and wrestling with what to do. Summer had been fun. They spent all their time together and in retrospect, Buffy realized how happy she had been and saw a million missed opportunities to tell Willow how she felt.
Her feet carried her automatically through her rounds, and she staked half a dozen vampires with minimal effort. It wasn't until she was at the entrance to the dorm that Buffy realized how long patrol had been. She climbed the stairs quickly, the anticipation of seeing Willow moving her swiftly along.
Buffy paused outside their door. She listened and heard the soft noise of Willow's fingers on the computer keyboard. Even if she wanted to, Buffy couldn't stop the smile that crept across her face. She opened the door slowly and entered their room. "Hey, Will, why're you still up?"
The startled redhead turned to her friend. "Buffy, hey. Is it that late? Silly question, it must be if you're home. Unless you're hurt. You aren't hurt, are you, Buff?"
"No, I'm good. Easy patrol. Didn't even break a sweat." Buffy smiled. She shrugged out of her jacket and walked to her closet to hang it up. "How come you're up?"
"Guess I lost track of time." Willow shut down the computer. She stood and stretched.
Buffy, still smiling, watched the hem of Willow's nightshirt ride up her thighs. "You busy tonight?" she asked, thinking 'Oh my. Oh yeah. You're too cute, Will. And sexy in that old shirt.'
Willow looked pained. "Um, yeah, I planned something with Tara."
Buffy was pleased by the look on Willow's face, but not her answer. "How about tomorrow? I need some best friend time."
"What's wrong?" Willow looked and sounded concerned.
Buffy laughed. "Nothing's wrong. We never see each other any more. I think a night of movies and junk food and quality best friend time is in order."
Willow, relieved, smiled at Buffy. "Good. Good. Good idea, too. Tomorrow night's good." She sat on her bed. Habit caused her to reach for the alarm to double check that it was properly set. She replaced it on the table and looked at Buffy again. "'Night, Buff."
"'Night, Will." Buffy watched her friend get under the covers and settle on her side. She turned out the lights in the room. She could see fine in the dark. Hear, too. She prepared for bed, listening as Willow fell deeper into sleep. Before getting in her bed, Buffy stood at Willow's bedside and watched her for a few moments.
Willow's face contracted into a grimace, and Buffy bent over her. She kissed Willow's forehead and whispered, "Sweet dreams." As she stood, she saw that Willow's face had relaxed into a small smile. Pleased with herself, Buffy climbed into bed.
* * * * *
Buffy deliberately made herself scarce late the next afternoon. She didn't want to watch Willow prepare to leave or listen to her talk about Tara. After her last class ended at 4, Buffy walked downtown to her mother's gallery. It was empty when she arrived, and Buffy headed for her mother's office in the back.
Joyce met her. "Buffy! Hi! This is a nice surprise." Joyce hugged Buffy. "Is everything all right?" she asked as she pulled back.
Buffy smiled and returned her mother's embrace. "Hi, Mom. Everything's fine. I haven't seen you in a while."
"Can you come to dinner or are you just passing through?"
"Dinner sounds great." Buffy followed her mother back into her office and dropped her backpack on the floor near the door. "Anything I can do for you here?"
Joyce looked at her daughter quizzically. "Are you sure everything's okay?"
"Everything's peachy, Mom." Buffy raised her right hand. "Honest."
"Okay," Joyce answered doubtfully. "I did get a shipment earlier today that I haven't had a chance to open."
"I'll get it." Buffy volunteered. She went to the storage room. Half a dozen wooden crates of varying sizes were lined against one wall. Buffy took the pry bar from its place on the wall and began opening the crates. When she finished, the crates and packing material were neatly stacked and four statues and two paintings were along the opposite wall.
Buffy returned to her mother's office. "Do you know where you want them?"
Joyce got up from her desk and followed Buffy back to the storage area. Buffy spent the next half hour relocating different pieces of art until her mother was satisfied. When the last piece was placed, Joyce turned to Buffy. "Ready to call it a day?"
"Yeah. And now I remember why I don't visit you at work."
Joyce laughed and put her arm around Buffy's shoulders. "You did a great job. Thanks so much."
"You're welcome. What's for dinner?"
"Your choice," Joyce offered.
"Italian."
"Italian it is." Joyce pulled her purse from a desk drawer. "Will you double check the back door, please?"
"Sure." Buffy left and returned a few moments later. "All locked up," she reported.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." Buffy shouldered her pack and followed her mother out the door.
They walked a little more than two blocks to their favorite Italian restaurant. Joyce plied Buffy with questions about school and Slaying while they walked and continued in the restaurant.
After a lull in the conversation between their salads and entrees, Buffy asked, "How do you know whether you should do something?"
"Could you be more specific, dear?"
Buffy looked at the tablecloth. "I have a friend who's in love with her best friend and doesn't know whether she should tell her."
"Of course you should tell Willow you love her, Buffy." Joyce's tone was matter of fact.
Buffy jerked her head up and looked at her mother with her mouth agape. After a few seconds her jaw snapped shut. "Other than my obvious reaction, how did you know I was talking about me?"
Joyce smiled. "Anyone who wants to can see that you two love each other."
"She's dating somebody else."
"Buffy, just talk to her," Joyce told her.
"But what if she doesn't feel the same way?" Buffy asked.
"What if she does?"
Buffy didn't say anything immediately. "You're okay with this?"
Joyce was still smiling. "Yes. After everything else, this is not an issue. I want you to be happy."
"Thanks, Mom."
They talked about lighter things during the rest of dinner. Buffy walked Joyce to her car, and Joyce gave her a ride to the dorm so she could change before going on patrol.
Patrol was much like it had been the night before. Buffy, preoccupied with her thoughts of Willow, went through the cemeteries absentmindedly staking every vampire who got within her reach. She staked two more on her way through the campus.
The dorm room was dark, but Buffy knew Willow was there. She was quiet as she changed into her pajamas. Before getting into her own bed, Buffy knelt beside Willow's. "I'm home," she said softly, as she did each night that Willow was asleep when she returned from patrol. "Sweet dreams." Buffy stroked Willows cheek once, lightly, with the backs of her fingers before getting to her feet. She stood looking down at Willow a moment longer before getting into bed.
Sleep was slow to come. Buffy lay on her back and stared into the shadows. 'Just tell her, just tell her. Sure, Mom, no big. Hey, Will, pass the popcorn and by the way I love you. Buffy rolled her eyes. And what if she doesn't think about me like that? What if she doesn't want to be friends any more? I don't know which is scarier, that she won't love me or she will.' Buffy closed her eyes. She saw Willow on her first day at Sunnydale High. Willow trying to disappear. She might have succeeded in becoming invisible to the Slayer except that she glowed. There was no other word for it, and no one else ever had. But to Buffy, Willow was always brighter than her surroundings, and from the first, Buffy had been drawn to her like iron filings to a magnet. Buffy lay still and let her Willow slide show occupy until she fell asleep.
It felt like a Slayer dream. Vivid and Technicolor and somehow more real than life. Buffy and Willow were at Buffy's house. It looked different. The furniture was different. There were more photos. The paint was fresh. The house was quiet, like it is in the early, early morning.
They were in Joyce's bedroom, in Joyce's bed, except that Buffy knew somehow that it was hers now, theirs. They were both sleeping in shorts and t-shirts. Willow was snuggled against her. A baby began to fuss, and Willow stirred a little.
"It's all right, love, I'll get her," Buffy said quietly and kissed Willow's cheek before untangling herself from the redhead. She got out of bed and went into the room across the hall. A nursery right out of a magazine. And a tiny squalling redhead in a crib. Buffy picked the baby up. "I've got you, Dawn. Be quiet so your mommy can sleep." The noise immediately decreased.
Buffy carried the baby to the changing table and rained kisses on the tiny face as she got the baby out of the sleeper. She opened the diaper and was assaulted by a foul odor. "P U stinky baby," she sing-songed and began changing the little girl's diaper. She talked quietly as she cleaned her and put on a clean diaper and sleeper. The infant was still fussy, and Buffy chuckled when she picked her up. "Your mommy will have to help you with the rest."
They went to the bedroom and got in bed with Willow. She lay the baby between them leaned across her to kiss Willow. "Somebody's hungry," she told Willow when her eyes opened.
"Mmmm." Willow sat up and picked up Dawn. She looked at the baby, then at Buffy. "That's your nose," she told Buffy, then kissed Dawn's nose. Willow got the baby settled nursing and closed her eyes.
Buffy watched them, delighted and content. When the baby finished, Willow put her between them and slid back down on the bed. Buffy's hand was all ready rubbing the baby's tiny back when Willow settled. Their eyes met and they smiled at each other.
The blaring alarm clock jerked Buffy back to consciousness. Automatically, she reached over to shut it off. She stared at the ceiling for a few moments before sitting up and swinging her feet off the bed.
Willow was pulling on her robe. "Morning, Buffy."
"Good morning, Willow." Buffy smiled, stood, stretched. She got her robe from the foot of her bed and put it on while Willow got her shower kit. Buffy intentionally waited before following Willow to the shower. She was reeling from the dream. One of the reasons Buffy hesitated to approach Willow was because as a Slayer, Buffy didn't have much of a future. She knew she would fight until something killed her. The oldest slayer lived a few months past her twenty-first birthday. But if this was a Slayer dream, it meant she would live long enough to make a life with Willow. 'Complete with white picket fence,' she thought wryly.
* * * * *
Class dragged. No matter how hard Buffy tried to pay attention, her thoughts drifted to Willow, and her dream, and the night ahead. When everyone around her began to get up to leave, Buffy realized she hadn't taken a single note. She sighed, gathered her things, and headed back to their room.
Buffy dropped her backpack near her desk and took the last bottle of water from the refrigerator. Then she checked the drawer they kept junk food in. It was empty. Buffy got her purse and headed to the convenience store to stock them up.
When she returned an hour before dusk, carrying four full bags, Willow was working at her computer. "Hi, Will," Buffy smiled.
Willow looked up, then turned in her chair toward Buffy. "Hi, Buff. What's all that?"
"Stuff for tonight."
"Did you invite Xander or something?" Willow got up and looked in one of the bags.
"No. We were out of everything," Buffy explained.
"Did you get any movies?" Willow pulled things from the bag and handed them to Buffy, who put them in the drawer or the refrigerator.
"Not yet. I thought we'd do a quick patrol and pick them up on the way home." Buffy stuffed the empty bags into the trashcan. "If that's okay with you."
Willow smiled. "Sounds good."
"Okay, we'll head out when it's dark." Buffy flopped on her bed.
Willow returned to the computer. After a few minutes, Buffy came and stood behind her. Nothing on the screen made any sense to her. "What'cha workin' on?"
"Translating one of Giles' texts," Willow answered absently.
"Do you have to baby-sit it?"
"Not really, I guess." Willow looked over her shoulder at Buffy. "You ready to go now?"
"I guess. I feel kinda antsy, nervous energy, you know?" Buffy stepped away from Willow's chair.
"All right," Willow answered and pushed her chair back. She began gathering what she needed to patrol. Buffy hurried to get her jacket and a couple extra stakes.
They didn't patrol as much as wander around and talk. Buffy staked four vampires. Willow staked one. They headed to the video store and picked out four movies. The next stop was the pizza shop, where they got two large pizzas. Then they went back to the dorm.
They changed into pajamas and pushed the beds together on Buffy's side of the room to make it easier to see the TV. The movie festival pig-out began. Eating took first priority. Then they turned their attention to the movies. They had each chosen two without letting the other see her choice.
Willow put her first movie in. When Bringing Up Baby started in black and white, Buffy made a face. Willow poked her. "Trust me, Buffy, you'll love it."
When the movie finished Willow turned to Buffy. "Well?"
"It was good," Buffy conceded. She climbed off the bed and went to the TV. "There will be a brief intermission before the next feature begins," she said with mock solemnity.
"My bladder thanks you." Willow scooted off the bed and headed for the bathroom. Buffy changed the tape and followed.
A few minutes later they were back on the beds sharing a bag of microwave popcorn. When The Absolutely True Adventures of Two Girls in Love ended Willow asked Buffy, "Something you want to talk about?"
"Yeah." As much as she wanted to look at Willow Buffy couldn't lift her eyes from the comforter.
Willow waited for Buffy to start.
"I wanted to tell you but I'm afraid," Buffy finally said. She continued to look down.
"Tell me what?" Willow prompted gently.
"Will, I don't want anything to spoil our friendship."
Willow took Buffy's hand. "Buffy, I promise we will always be friends."
Buffy met Willow's eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm in love with you, Willow."
Buffy's heart hammered against her ribs while she waited for Willow to answer. The confusion on Willow's face frightened her and for a moment Buffy wished she had left it unsaid.
"I don't understand," Willow said her voice barely above a whisper.
Buffy held Willow's gaze. "I fell in love with you when l saw you by the water fountain the first day of school. I couldn't tell you because it was too much you know? There were enough freaky things going on and I really, really wanted to be your friend. I didn't think you would ever look at me like that. And now you're looking at some other girl and I can't stand it, Will. I love you so much and I want you to be happy. I think we could be happy together." Buffy's speech came to an end. She couldn't read the look on Willow's face.
Willow held on to Buffy's hand while she processed her statements. She was overwhelmed and stammered again, "I don't understand."
Buffy raised their joined hands and kissed the back of Willow's hand. She continued to hold Willow's gaze as she moved closer. Just before touching her lips against Willow's Buffy said, "I love you, Willow."
Buffy kissed her gently. She was about to stop when Willow responded. She pressed her lips more firmly against Buffy's and opened them to let her tongue circle Buffy's lips. Willow untangled their hands and pushed Buffy back. Surprise, gravity, and Willow's body weight conspired against Buffy. She ended up on her back with Willow atop her. Buffy hummed a happy noise and slid her hands under Willow's top and up her back. Buffy shifted to free her calves and elicited a surprised squeak from Willow as Buffy pressed their centers together.
Buffy slid one hand down Willow's back past the elastic of her panties and onto the smooth skin of Willow's ass. They both groaned when Buffy pulled Willow against her and rotated her hips.
Buffy stopped their frantic kissing. It felt like Willow felt the same but Buffy needed to be sure. She pulled her hands from Willow's clothes and cupped her face. Willow's bright green eyes blinked open. "Willow, do you love me?" Buffy asked her.
"I love you, Buffy." Willow smiled and repeated it. "I love you so much." Willow pushed toward Buffy's mouth and Buffy let her.
Buffy's fingers played through Willow's hair on the way back to the smooth skin under her pajamas. She wanted to strip the redhead and taste every millimeter of skin. That desire quadrupled when Willow arched her back just enough to grind against Buffy. Buffy pulled her lips from Willow's. "I want you, Willow. Can I have you?"
"Yes." Willow pulled Buffy into another kiss. She slid her fingers down Buffy's neck and chest to the first button on Buffy's top.
Buffy pushed Willow's pants as far down as she could. Her fingertips explored Willow's thighs while she used a foot to push the unneeded fabric away. She swept her hands up Willow's thighs. They both gasped when her fingers trailed through her wetness and along her perineum.
Buffy's next stop was the hem of Willow's top. She was able to pull it up and off with only the briefest interruption of their kiss. Once Willow was naked she sat up. "No fair." She moved off of Buffy. Buffy's eyes stayed glued to her. "Take off your pajamas."
Buffy scrambled to obey. She could smell Willow's arousal and wanted nothing to keep her from it. Her eyes stayed glued on Willow.
"Get up," Willow said quietly. "I want to see you."
Buffy did as Willow asked. She rolled to her feet on the far side of the bed and walked around to Willow. She held her hand out to Willow. Willow took Buffy's hand and led it to her breast. "Beautiful," Buffy said softly. She climbed onto the bed and kneeled in front of Willow. "I love you," Buffy said hoarsely.
Willow leaned forward and kissed Buffy. It began gently but exploded in a supernova of lust. Buffy was never sure exactly what happened after that. It was a blur of skin and whispered promises punctuated by moments of perfect clarity.
When Buffy woke in the early morning Willow's breath was tickling her nipple. Willow surrounded her. They were sticky and smelled funky. Buffy drew a deep breath and kissed the top of Willow's head. For the first time since her destiny called Buffy was happy. Content on a cellular level she smirked and stretched without disturbing Willow.
All of Buffy's restraint disappeared when Willow slid on her thigh. She rolled them over and dragged her tongue down Willow's torso. Buffy knew Willow was awake when Willow's hands tangled in her hair and Willow's hips pushed against her mouth. A low wordless groan accompanied Willow's orgasm.
Buffy kissed her way up Willow's body. She stroked Willow's hair and waited.
Willow smiled and turned to stretch against Buffy before opening her eyes. "Wow," she drawled. "You can wake me up like that whenever you want."
Buffy smiled smugly. She kissed Willow's cheek. "I love you."
Willow caught her before she could pull away and kissed her. "I love you."
They lay looking at each other until their bladders demanded attention. After looking at the clock they decided they were up and took their shower kits along. They showered quickly in separate stalls. Getting dressed afterward took much longer even though their stomachs growled frequently and loudly. The noise drove them to giggles and then out the door.
* * * * *
Buffy swung their hands as they walked. She was smiling, as she had been since waking. They were headed toward the beach, where they had spent so much of their summer. It was a gorgeous fall day, and Buffy wanted to talk with Willow about the big, important things she had avoided all summer.
The main part of the beach was dotted with blankets and umbrellas. They walked north, just far enough to be alone, before Buffy stopped. She grinned at Willow and threw a towel onto the sand.
They didn't talk. Buffy admired Willow while she tried to order her thoughts. Willow prodded her after a while. "C'mon, Buffy, just tell me whatever it is."
"Am I that transparent?"
"Sometimes. So spill."
"It's all new, Willow, and I want to tell you so much." Buffy turned to face Willow, and smiled. "I want you to know how much I love you." She raised Willow's hand and kissed her knuckles, then lowered their joined hands. "I don't know how long I have, Will, and I want every second I can get with you."
"You're not allowed to die, Buffy," Willow said with determination.
"I'm not planning on it, sweetheart." Buffy leaned over to kiss Willow's cheek. "But we both know there aren't any guarantees. I don't want to leave anything unsaid. I love you, Willow."
"Thank you." Willow kissed Buffy gently. "I love you, too."
Buffy's smile was incandescent. For a few moments, they looked at each other. Buffy inhaled, breaking the spell. "I want to give you something, Will, but I don't know what. All I have is me. You know what I am. Yours."
Willow was speechless. In the past 24 hours Buffy had literally and figuratively bared herself. She leaned toward Buffy. "I'm yours," she answered hoarsely, then began raining kisses onto Buffy's face. "I love you so much," she murmured while the Slayer pulled her onto her lap.
Their kisses slowed until they sat forehead to forehead, palms resting over each other's hearts, breathing in sync.
"Will?"
"Hmm?"
"Are we floating?"
Willow glanced down before answering. "Apparently." She shrugged a little. "Sorry."
"No problem." Buffy smiled at Willow's chagrin. "I was just checking."
Willow drew an uneven breath, breaking their synchronicity. They fell back to the sand. Buffy laughed. "Do it again," she urged Willow.
"Later," Willow promised. "Need sugar now. And caffeine."
"Mochas?"
"Mochas," Willow agreed. She kissed Buffy one more time before sliding off her lap and standing up.
Buffy sprung to her feet and brought the towel with. She shook it carelessly and folded it haphazardly before turning to Willow. "Mochas," she affirmed and swept Willow's hand into her own as they headed back down the beach.