Start of a New Life
by Rin
Frustration and Strange Solutions
[reviews]
A/N: Okay...this is a little more graphic than usual. However, it is put in more as an important, extremely intimate moment, so I apologize if I offend anybody with the sex.
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"I'm not a paraplegic!!!! I can move, you know?!!!" Buffy's eyes went wide when she saw her wife wince. She immediately went into apology mode but found she really couldn't move too much, and reach out for the redhead like she really wanted. The past week had been miserable. She could barely do anything on her own. When she wanted to move around, she had to get Willow or Dawn to help. It was usually Willow, since Dawn was at work. Once again, the devoted redhead had opted to work from home, and take complete care of her. It warmed her heart but her mind and body were complete protesters. She had been such an independent woman her entire life, and it was more than frustrating that she had to depend on anybody for every little thing. Her appetite had dwindled, and she could barely chew, her muscles and bones ached, and when she wasn't in bed, somebody was there by her side always. Most of the time it was Willow but a few times, Xander or Anya had come over to help. Faith and Kennedy had come over once, too...but they opted to never come back again after Buffy had thrown an utter fit. The blonde knew that she would gain control again but it unnerved her, and that particular day was the first time she had ever yelled at Willow because of it. "Oh, baby...baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Please, Wills. Please...I just...it's so..."
"Shh...it's okay." Willow immediately sat on the bed next to her, and pulled her into a tight embrace. Rocking her back and forth, it wasn't the first time in over a week that they had cried together like this. "It's going to get better. I know it's frustrating, and I know it bothers you that you can't be who you were. I'm here, though. I'm always here...even when you go all grr. Okay?"
"I just don't feel like I'm ever going to get better. I...it's just so..." Buffy clutched onto Willow's shirt with all the strength she could muster. She hadn't even been able to kiss the redhead back, and that killed her more than anything. She wanted, no needed, her Willow smoochies.
"I know. Buffy...I know without a definitely, without a doubt going to get your strength back." Willow held back the heartbroken tears for later, just like she had done all week. It scared her, too, so she couldn't even begin to imagine what it was like for her wife. Everything you ever were, everything you know...all of a sudden ripped from you.
"Thanks, Will." Her voice just didn't have the solidity that she once held. No, this was the voice of an unsure woman.
"But what if you don't?" Willow was afraid to mention it, and she had managed not to until that point...where her mouth worked before her brain.
"Okay..." Buffy sighed. She had thought of this scenario. It wasn't one she wanted to happen but since it was a possibility, she had to think of it. This was the major reason she had said no to Giles in the first place, and now, here she was, living through that hell she had denied. "If I don't, then I don't. I'll deal. Plus, there are a whole lot of good sides to it..." She was skeptical but she wanted to stay positive. Willow wasn't buying it.
"No. You're going to get better." She had full resolve going, and Buffy smirked weakly at her lover. Willow always was the stronger of the two.
"I need you, Will. You're my big gun." Buffy just stays there in her arms, wanting to melt into them completely. Then, she wouldn't have to think about what she couldn't do anymore. She was always safe in her Willow's arms.
"Don't worry, love. It won't be long. Giles..." Willow was still upset at her mentor, and blamed him for everything at that point. It could be heard in the way she spit out the man's name. "Giles said it would be two weeks. That's only a week away. I'm right here until it's over. I'm gonna bring you back."
"I know." Buffy finally relaxed, and let Willow stroke her blonde locks gently, sifting her fingers through them with a gentle motion, and placing lingering kisses on her crown every so often.
"You're so beautiful." Willow lifted Buffy up, and looked deep into her eyes. She sighed, and kissed her lips gently, conveying her love and devotion. Knowing that it frustrated her wife, she didn't let the kiss linger too long.
"You're just saying that so you can see me naked." Buffy's solemn face showed a small smirk, and Willow's sad eyes smirked back at her.
"Always." She kissed her softly one last time, and tucked her lover in the blankets. It had been a long day, and there were more to come.
Leaving Buffy to sleep for the night, Willow went downstairs, and finally heated up some dinner. Dawn had taken to cooking for them, and she would leave a fixed plate for when Willow put her sister to bed at night. It was a long drawn out process, and everyone was suffering from it. Some more than others. Hearing the microwave, Dawn entered the kitchen from her post on the living room couch, watching late night cartoons...the kind that weren't suitable for children.
"Hey, Wills. Buffy in bed?" Dawn wanted to try and stay chipper, and keep the redhead sane. They both were tired, and it showed on their faces.
"Yeah. Just tucked her in." The microwave dinged, and she pulled out the plate. The green beans, rice, and chicken were not usual Dawn feasts. The past week, the brunette had learned to cook actual food items, and it just proved that she was growing up way too fast.
"How is she? I heard her yelling again earlier. She's never yelled at you. I was kind of worried but decided that I should stay out of the way." Dawn sat down at the kitchen island, and Willow followed suit, picking at her food.
"Yeah. It was scary. I know it's so hard on her, and I just want to make it better. I just don't know how." Willow attempted to start eating her food but it was a slow process, just like every other night had been.
"I think you're doing just fine. So does Buffy. We all miss her." Dawn placed a comforting hand on Willow's. The redhead was trying to eat a forkful of rice but her hand just kept shaking, and the rice kept falling off the utensil. The brunette was used to this part of the process; it was where she could help the most, she felt. Calming Willow down was her main task. Just like every other night, she felt silly feeding the redhead but her sister-in-law had to eat. She was the only one that Buffy would let near her anymore, and it was taking its toll on her. Willow took to caring for Buffy, and Dawn took to caring for Willow.
"Thanks, Dawnie. It's just hard to keep still." Willow took the offered forkful of chicken, and chewed half-heartedly.
"It's okay, Willow. That's what I'm here for...well, that...and it wouldn't do anybody any good for me to move out at this point." Again, she offered the redhead a forkful full of chicken, watching her chew it slowly, and then helping her take a drink of juice.
"About that..." Willow took another drink of juice before continuing. It was a long, drawn out process, and she had to wonder if this was what it was like for Buffy. 'No...Buffy can't do this on her own at all. I could but I would make more of a mess than anything. Stupid hands...won't stop shaking.'
"Yeah?" Dawn wiped the juice from Willow's chin, and proceeded to prepare a forkful of green beans.
"I told Buffy about what we talked about...you moving out. Well...I convinced her to let you." She took the forkful, and started chewing, watching Dawn's hopeful face. She swallowed with some difficulty, and continued. "One thing, though..."
"What?" Dawn's face fell. She knew there was a catch. There was always a catch when it came to her sister. She gave Willow another forkful of green beans, and watched her chew slowly.
"We already have a place for you. You can move into my apartment. Although, there are some things we'll have to discuss before it happens. Okay?" Willow saw Dawn's eyes light up, and the brunette dropped the newly prepared fork full of chicken on the plate, and hugged her tightly.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is so cool Janice is going to be soooo jealous." Dawn was reverting back to teenage mode, and she was glad to have her mind on something else for a change. "Thanks, Willow. You're the best."
"Nah...that's what sister-in-laws do. We bribe the wife's family into liking them." Willow smirked slightly, and just watched Dawn get excited, probably already planning the gloom and doom of the apartment. "Like I said, though. There's a lot to go over because I'll still need to come over there. Just...not right now, okay? I need to take a shower, and then go to bed. It's been another long day."
"Okay." Dawn took the plate from Willow, who was trying to go and clean it. She was having none of that. This was her job, and the redhead had just told her something that would make the brunette her friend forever. "Just go take your shower, and get to bed. You need the sleep."
"So do you." Willow just nodded at her, and left the kitchen.
While she was in the shower, that's when she let it all out. It was her escape. She didn't have to answer to anybody there, and she could let her stronghold down. Sobbing uncontrollably under the swift spray of the water, she braced her hands against the wall, and the let the water cascade over her head, merging with the water coming from her eyes. Once finished in the bathroom, she left the comfort of the hot water, and put her robe on before she walked back to her bedroom.
Finding Buffy lying there somewhat peacefully, she sighed, and didn't even bother putting pajamas on, as she crawled on top of the covers, and curled up against her lover. It was solace, and she needed to feel the blonde. It didn't matter if she wasn't completely there...she would take anything at that point. Getting up, she took her robe off, and changed into a tank top and boxers before crawling into bed, once again snuggling against Buffy.
"Oh, Buffy...I love you so much. Please get better." Willow just wrapped her left arm around the blonde's torso, and took several deep breaths until she felt calm enough to relax a little, and finally fall asleep. She would have to wake up in four hours to help Buffy to the bathroom, and she needed all the rest she could get.
When those four hours were up, she woke up automatically, and kissed Buffy's forehead before helping her to the bathroom. Taking each step carefully, they finally reached the toilet, and the blonde's eyes had stayed on her the entire time that she used the restroom. Like usual, her eyes were droopy, and she hadn't said a word since waking up in the middle of the night. It was almost like it hurt to even speak. Finally, she finished peeing, and she blushed and sighed when Willow had to wipe for her, and help her pull her panties up from her ankles. A simple task...something she had done thousands of times, and now she relied on her wife to help her. It took her several minutes before she could start, even though her bladder was screaming for release, and Willow stayed by her through it all. 'Yep, she's my big gun. My beautiful, amazing, wonderful big gun. I would do the same for her.'
They made their way down the hall again, and Willow tucked her in again before moving to lay beside her on the other side. Positioning herself under the covers again, the redhead curled against her lover, and wrapped her arms around her again, like she had done so many nights. Kissing her wife's shoulder a few times, she wanted more than anything to act on her urges but it was not appropriate. She would have to wait...just like Buffy would.
"Willow...I want to make love to you so bad. I just...I think that's what's bothering me more than anything. I can't touch you like I used to, or hold a kiss longer than two seconds. I want you, baby. I honestly do..." Buffy cried silently, wanting to wrap her own arms around the redhead. Instead, she had to lie there, and let the redhead draw little lazy circles that were meant to calm her down, and didn't help matters any when she felt the need to ravage her wife. It seemed like eternity since the last time. Two weeks was way to long for either to go without the other.
"It's okay. I know. I want you, too but we need to get you better first. I'm holding out. I'm not...you know." Her blush warmed Buffy's shoulder, and she had to smile behind her tears at the thought of Willow holding off on taking care of the problem on her own. It was true devotion. "I won't, either. We'll make love together again, and it will be beautiful, amazing, and several other adjectives that could describe it. Right now, though...we'll just have to wait."
"This is crazy, and I thought about it last night about this time." Buffy was hesitant to tell her idea but she felt she couldn't wait much longer. Her frustration was too much, and it was killing her. She needed to feel Willow now.
"What is it, baby?" Willow just stayed where she was, and kept rubbing Buffy's stomach. At least now, she could touch her, and not fear that she would make her wife worse. That was one upside.
"Well...you see. I really, really need you. In the worst possible way...and I had this idea, and you might not go for it, which is fine but I thought I'd mention it...and babbling kind of hurts right now." Buffy smiled slightly, and sighed. Willow just continued what she had been doing, and said nothing. "I was thinking that you could...um...let me watch you." She waited for a response but when she got none, she continued. "I could watch you while you...um...released yourself."
"What about you, though? That doesn't seem fair." Willow's voice was unusually calm, and she never once let up on her ministrations.
"No. It will be. Trust me. I mean...there's more to it." Buffy cleared her throat before she continued, still waiting for any kind of response from her lover but still getting none. "I was thinking that after you...well, you could maybe...do me. Like...like we used to...when you would tie me up, only this time I wouldn't have to be tied."
"I don't know, Buffy. That seems like an awful lot to ask." Willow still didn't move from her position.
"I know...but...what if I don't get better? What happens then? It would be the only way we could still make love, and I refuse to never make love to you again if that's the case." Buffy managed to move her arm, and place it around Willow's back, even if it did just hang there loosely.
"I don't know, Buffy. I mean...it's not that I don't want to. Believe me...I really do. It's just..."
"Asking a lot. I know. Sorry." Buffy's hopeful expression fell, and she didn't say anything for a few minutes. She just lie there, and let Willow continue to draw crazy patterns on her stomach. Finally, she felt her lover draw the 'I heart you' pattern, and smiled. It was hard not to when she did that. The 'I heart you' pattern was her favorite.
"Okay." Willow's voice was low, and she still never let up on her drawings. "Give me a minute." They just lie there, with their arms around the other, for a few more minutes. Then, Willow sighed, and gathered her courage to do this for her lover. It didn't feel right somehow but Buffy was right. If she didn't get better...then this was how things would have to be when they made love. All she wanted to do was cry at the thought of Buffy never being able to touch her like she used to, and the redhead just didn't want to scare her lover, so she stayed where she was, and kept neutral as she made her request. Finally, she positioned her face just above Buffy's, and she noticed the familiar sparks of lust coming from her wife's eyes. "I'm not going to stop kissing you, though. I know it bothers you but if I'm going to do this, I have to kiss you. Okay?"
"Yeah...okay." Buffy's breathing started to get heavier, as Willow slowly inched her face further down. "Willow, baby, you don't have to do this."
"I know but you were right. I refuse to stop making love to you, and if this is the only way, then so be it. I want to do this. For you. For me. For us." With that, she bent down, and brushed her lips softly against Buffy's at first. Then, her kiss grew stronger, and even though the blonde was barely responding, Willow knew that she wanted to, and this was all she was going to get. Again, her heart broke. Those searing, amazing kisses that she used to get could be long forgotten, and it chilled her to the bone. Her hands were shaking again.
"Willow. It's okay. I'm sorry, baby." Buffy just stared up into her wife's face, and tried to control her heavy breathing. Willow looked down into those lust-filled, hungry eyes, and just couldn't deny her, even if it killed her in the process. She would do anything for Buffy, and if the blonde wanted this, then so be it.
"No. No sorry. Not tonight. I'm tired of sorry. I just want my Buffy back." She leaned down, and kissed her wife again, with all the passion she could muster, and when she couldn't take the barely responsive anymore, she just moved her kisses down her jaw line, down her throat, across her collarbone, and then sucking, nipping, and kissing the sensitive spot behind Buffy's ear. The blonde didn't buck or writhe like she used to but the deep moan, and the feel of her wife trying to force her strength back...it made Willow happy and sad at the same time. That spot always did bring out the need in her lover.
"Oh, Wills. I've missed you." Buffy was still struggling. She just wanted to touch her, hold her, egg her on, and it was making her want Willow even more. In order to keep from getting angry again, she calmed her mind, and told herself that she was tied up, and the redhead placed a spell on her so that she couldn't move. This was reality, though, and not her Slayer world...however; she was getting several ideas over the past few weeks on the third book. She just let Willow ravage her body with kisses, and tried not to think about never being able to write again. She had truly been raped of her very existence.
"Shh...are you ready?" At Buffy's nod, Willow stood up, and tore her pajamas off, letting her wife's eyes roam her body for the first time in what felt like ages. The lust, the love, and the pure adoration relaxed Willow a little, and moved to sit on the bed again, facing her lover. "Okay...um...do you...well...do you want to touch me?"
"You know I can't." The tortured tone in Buffy's voice was enough to make Willow's hands shake again.
"You can still feel me, though." Willow took Buffy's left hand, and placed it over her left breast, holding it in place with her own hand. Closing her eyes, she tried to ignore the fact that she was moving Buffy's hand, and imagined that the soft, gentle hand was doing this on its own. The slight twitch of her fingers and hand every now and then let Willow know that her lover wanted the same thing. 'Buffy wants this...it'll be okay...just focus on Buffy.'
"Oh, Willow. I do want to touch you...so bad, baby." It took Buffy a few minutes to gain strength enough to swallow nervously. It was like her first time all over again. Only, this time around, it was so much better than Angel. There was no fear of Willow turning evil, or leaving her alone.
"Okay. Here goes..." Willow just barely steadied her hand enough to pull Buffy's hand down into her warmth. It wasn't as wet as it used to be but there was enough there. After all, this was still Buffy...and it was still Buffy's touch; there was just a little aid in the process. When she ran her wife's hand across her warmth, she gasped at the contact. She had been waiting so long for this, and even though she was still nervous and scared, this would happen. There was no stopping now.
"Oh...oh, Wills. You feel so good." Buffy's breathing was extremely labored, and this was beyond anything she imagined the night before. She just thought Willow would masturbate in front of her, and then make love to her. This was so much more intimate, and it brought them closer together. After several long minutes, Willow gasped out Buffy's name in release, using the blonde's hand the entire time to reach her climax. It did bring them closer together, and even though awkward...it felt right somehow.
"Bu...Buffy. Gods..." Willow let her breathing calm, as she cuddled up to her lover again, and started to kiss her again. "I missed you, too. You're my always. If this is how it has to be...then we'll make it through. I promise."
Willow kissed her firmly on the lips again, and ignored the lack of a strong response, as she started to move lower on her lover's body. She wasn't sure how to do this part. The first part had been easy. Now...came the difficult part. Making love to a woman whose body couldn't tell you what it wanted...she was only glad that she knew Buffy's body backwards and forwards...probably better than her own. If not, she didn't think she could do it.
"It's okay, Wills. I know. I'll tell you if you want me to." Buffy's eyes were brimming with unshed tears. It was a shot in the dark when she proposed the idea...but Willow never verbally questioned her. Instead, she stayed devoted, and willing to do anything for her. The shear ecstasy in that moment made the blonde want to cry happy tears. She hadn't cried happy tears in a long time.
"Okay...tell me...tell me what you want exactly." Willow caressed Buffy's cheek with one hand, and the other groped her left breast. The redhead looked up into hazel eyes, and couldn't tear her own green gaze away; the connection was real, honest, and almost perfect. In her wife's eyes, Willow saw how much this meant to Buffy, and she kissed her on the lips again, as the blonde moaned into her mouth. She continued her breast ministrations, and just kept her face above Buffy's, locking their gazes together throughout the entire thing.
"T...touch me, Willow." Buffy kept her own eyes locked in the gaze, and lost herself again in those love-filled, emotional green eyes. When she felt Willow bringing her to orgasm, her panting was heavy, and moans audible but she never once broke eye contact. These were the moments they would cherish forever. Even if she did get better, this was a turning point in their relationship. It was a reassurance that they would work through anything together, and would be there for the other, making sure that each other was happy, and totally loved. Despite the consequences, this was one of those moments of true happiness that seemed to be permanent in their lives...no matter what they went through, they would always be together. "Oh...oh...mmm...Will. I'm...gonna...ungh...oh...mmm..."
Willow prolonged her wife's release as long as possible. Even though the circumstances were different, she refused to only give her halfway. The redhead was determined to give her everything, and that's what she did. When it felt like Buffy could take no more, she removed her hand from her wife's swollen warmth, and wiped her hand on the sheets before crawling up, and cuddling once again. After several minutes of coming down from the much-needed release, Buffy let out a deep sigh that spoke volumes. Everything would be okay, and after several declarations of 'I love you,' and 'Are you okay?' the two relaxed in a snuggle, and fell asleep with smiles on their faces, content for the moment.
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Please let me know what you think. This part was a little strong, and I want to know if I got what I was hoping from it. Thanks!