Loving Willow More
by Rin
Loving Willow More
[reviews]
A/N: Alright, the story continues, just like Season 4! This story will definitely have more B/W goodness, and some heart wrenching moments to boot! Okay, so I just wanted to say that but can you blame me?
----------
Part I:
After graduation, the Scooby gang celebrated the entire summer. With new lives to lead, and journeys to be had, everything seemed pleasant. The entire summer had been spent on the beach, watching movies, consuming too many mochas, and getting back into the swing of things after the whole crystal incident. Fred and Willow had returned to their normal hormones on parade status, only with lots of sex to boot, and the others were managing to fall back into place, too. The Hellmouth was predictably quiet, and the hunt for Spike had been unsuccessful. However, everybody knew that the bleached blonde vampire would return. He always did for some reason.
Then, the shit hit the fan. College started, and everybody went their separate ways. The two that had taken it the hardest were Willow and Fred. With Fred in LA, and Willow staying behind in Sunnydale with Buffy, there were too many lonely nights for them. They would see each other every weekend, one or the other visiting their respective campuses but it just wasn't enough. Cordelia had left for LA, and surprisingly ran into Angel, who had started his own Investigations agency. She readily helped the souled vampire out, and Fred wasn't that far behind him. At least, it kept her busy (other than school), and she wouldn't have time to miss Willow as much, even though that little plan never worked. Gunn was the person that surprised them, when he too joined Angel at helping the helpless.
Xander had opted for the civilian route, and started getting odd little jobs around the 'Dale, while Willow and Buffy did the college thing. Giles retired from the Council, and was living the life as a bachelor. It wasn't that fulfilling, and he was always more than willing to help his Slayer. Faith stayed with Joyce, and kept up the slaying during the night. There really wasn't that much that she did, actually. Once Buffy defeated her demon roommate, Willow had moved in with her. It was a tough decision on both parts, especially considering the events of last year but they were best friends, and it made logical sense. However, Buffy was not faring well at all. She had to hide her secret love for Willow, and it was killing her even more each day. In her wildest dreams, she never would have placed herself in this scenario.
"Hey, Buffy? Are you okay?" Willow looked over from her laptop, and studied her best friend, who was currently sprawled across her bed, once again lost in her own Willowy thoughts.
"Yeah. I'm fine." The tone in her voice told otherwise, and she knew Willow wouldn't drop it but Buffy was having another depresso day. Fred was due to visit the next day, and the blonde just wasn't sure she could take much more. She had started pulling away from the redhead, and the worst part was that it was painstakingly obvious. There just wasn't much she could do about it anymore, she thought. She tried dating Faith again but that was dropped before it even began, and she had talked to Giles, wondering if her feelings were just residual from the crystal. The biggest problem came when she discovered that her feelings were genuine, and she was truly in love with her best friend, who was in love with another woman.
"That doesn't sound like the voice of somebody who's fine." Willow had been trying to find out what was bugging her friend but Buffy would always go on one of these kicks, if she would even be around to begin with, and they wouldn't see each other for days. It was almost like they weren't even roommates.
"Well, I am." Again, she was just waiting for the sun to set, so that she'd at least have something to kill in order to release her frustration.
"Something is obviously wrong, Buff. We should talk." Willow saved her computer file, and moved over to sit on the edge of Buffy's bed. The only movement the blonde made was the noticeable increase in her breathing.
"What's there to talk about?" Okay, so depresso Buffy wasn't the most exciting but her overactive senses were screaming at the moment. Being this close to Willow was like torture of the worst kind.
"Well, for starters. You've been like this for weeks now, and last time I remember, we were supposed to be roommates but you're never here. Are you avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?" Willow was honestly worried. This was Buffy, and there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for her. She wasn't blind, either. The blonde had been trying to hide it but Willow recognized the signs of affection, especially in Buffy's deep, hazel eyes. Sometimes, Willow could get lost in them, and would have to snap out of it herself. At first, she chalked it up to the residual effects of the crystal but ever since that night when Buffy gave her that necklace (which she never took off), the young hacker had noticed familiar stirrings within herself, the ones that were devoted solely to Fred, and that's what scared her, especially when she discovered that her own feelings were real. Instead of dwelling on them (mostly because she had Fred), the redhead went about daily chores just the same.
"No. You could never do anything wrong, Wills." Buffy's voice was flat, and she had to close her eyes. Her mind was just not in a stable place at the moment. Lying around, thinking about how much she longed for her friend, and how much said friend would reject her completely, Buffy just couldn't help it. It was like she had lost all reason to live, and was trying to bury herself above ground.
"No. No, that's not true. I do things wrong all the time. Why, earlier this morning, I tripped on my shoestrings walking to Psych class, and yesterday, I thought my shampoo was my body wash, and wasn't paying attention until it was too late. I do things wrong all the time; we all do, it's just a part of life." Willow paused, waiting for any kind of response, or at least Buffy to look at her. "Buffy, really. I'm worried. What's wrong?"
"I said it was nothing. Can we just drop it?" Buffy was getting agitated, and the mental image of Willow in the shower did not help matters at all. She had to think of something and fast, or else her friend would keep hounding her. "I got a C on my Lit paper, that's all. No big deal." While it wasn't a lie, it was still avoiding the truth of her problems.
"Buffy, I know that's not the problem. I also know that you're not going to tell me, and that if I keep searching that you'll snap, and it'll all come pouring out eventually anyway. Remember when we made that pact to not let things fester?" Again, no response from the blonde. "Well, I do, and this is letting things fester. I know it has something to do with me, and I also know it has to do with how you feel about me." Buffy looked at her curiously when she said that, and that only confirmed Willow's suspicions. "I know that you still love me, and I know it's not the spell. Truth be told, I...well, I...that is...um..." She cleared her throat, and was saved by the ringing telephone. That was not a conversation she was ready to have, either, and she now understand why Buffy wanted to drop it. Now, though, the blonde had gained some semblance of movement, and reached the phone before Willow could. They both knew who it was.
"She'll have to call you back. We're busy right now." Buffy hung the phone up, not letting Fred get a word in besides 'Willow?' The conviction in her voice probably scared the slim brunette but that didn't matter. If Willow wanted to talk about this, then they would talk about this, and there was no way the redhead was getting out of her confession; not if Buffy was outed. Sitting back down on her bed, she positioned her body towards her friend. "Tell me. Please?"
"Buffy, I..." Willow was so sure earlier but now her resolve had faltered. "I...I mean...that is..."
"You kinda love me?" Her tone was hopeful, she knew that but how could she not be? However, she also knew that their confessions meant nothing. Willow was with Fred, and would never think of leaving her, and Buffy would never think of coming between them.
"Yeah." Willow nodded for added emphasis, on the verge of tears because she felt guilty, and somehow already betraying her girlfriend. After the last year, she just wasn't sure how many more times Fred could forgive her, even if her infidelity did have to do with a major spell, and not of her own free will. This was, though, and that's what hurt the most.
"It's okay, Wills. I'm not going to do anything to come between you and Fred. As long as you're happy, I'm happy." Buffy was well on her way to tears, and it didn't take long before they embraced after their confessions. It seemed the two roommates just couldn't catch a break in the love department.
"I know that, Buffy but thanks for saying it." Willow kept her in the embrace a little longer than usual, and cried into her shoulder. Nothing was ever simple.
===========
When she arrived, Fred was excited. It'd been two weeks since she'd been back in Sunnydale. Her first stop was the college campus, and to greet her girlfriend with lots of gusto. Willow had called her back later that night, and explained that she and Buffy had a major talk but wouldn't mention what it was about, pleading the best friend code of secrets. Fred didn't push, figuring that it was just Slayer problems.
LA had been exciting. Not only was she well received on campus but she also was having a blast with Angel's crew. There seemed to be a genuine camaraderie there, and she was glad to be with her best friend. Cordelia always did have flair. The thing that bothered her, though, was that she couldn't stay away from Gunn. He had given up all pretenses of asking her out completely, and she found that she didn't like that too well, for some reason. Maybe it was just something constant, and she wasn't prepared for the sudden change. The two had started hanging out more and more, and soon developed a deep bond, completely understanding each other like best friends would. Last night, he told her about his new girlfriend, confiding as friends, and Fred found herself jealous, and that bothered her more than she liked. She was Willow's, and had every intention of being for the rest of her life, so why was she suddenly hyper aware of Gunn?
Not wanting to dwell too long, she pulled onto campus, and practically bounded up the stairs at Stevenson Hall. The students looked at her excited form, and just brushed it off but she didn't care about them. All she cared about was getting to room 214 as fast as her legs would take her. Catching her breath, since she had every intention to do some major kissage right off the bat, Fred stood at the doorway, ignoring the other students in the hall giving her weird looks. Finally, she was composed, and laid her overnight bag on the floor in front of the door. Knocking, she wasn't surprised to find Willow on the other side. Just as she was about to kiss her senseless, her girlfriend backed away, though. Confused, she looked around, and the only other person there was Buffy. The blonde had seen them kiss before, so she didn't understand what the problem was.
"Hey! You're here already!" Willow just stood in the doorway, and was acting strangely, Fred thought. Not just the lack of kissing but the fact that she was blocking the doorway, and hadn't been allowed in the dorm room yet. Plus, the redhead's body language screamed panic mode. Something was definitely off, and the brunette was determined to discover the problem.
"Yeah. My last class was cancelled, so I flew down here practically on the highway. Is something wrong?" Fred narrowed her big brown eyes slightly, and studied her girlfriend.
"No! Nothing's wrong. Oh, um...do you want to take a walk? Maybe get some coffee?" Willow placed Fred's bag inside the door, and closed the door behind her, not allowing her girlfriend to see beyond what was visible.
"Yeah. That actually sounds like a good idea." Fred was still confused, and was more than happy to oblige. There was definitely going to be heavy conversation; she could already tell.
When they arrived at the Grotto, she noticed that it looked a little different than a few weeks ago but Fred just followed her girlfriend inside, and took a seat on a comfortable couch, while Willow ordered the drinks. While she waited, the brunette started playing with the hem of her shirtsleeves, something she only did when she was nervous. Just then, the redhead handed her the warm oversized mug.
"You look deep in thought. Wanna share?" Willow sat next to her girlfriend on the couch, and tucked her legs underneath her.
"You didn't kiss me." Fred just laid her mug on the coffee table in front of them, and positioned herself more towards Willow.
"Yeah. Buffy was right there. I can kiss you now, though." Willow leaned in, and attempted to kiss Fred but the brunette only mirrored her earlier actions of ducking and avoiding the oncoming kiss. The redhead startled back with a worried expression. "What?"
"Why didn't you kiss me? Buffy's seen us kiss before; she wouldn't mind. Is something wrong?" Fred searched Willow's eyes for something but there was only worry there. Then, she looked a little deeper, and was scared. Her girlfriend was hiding something, and she was more than afraid of that something.
"Yeah but with everything that's happened, I just don't think it's a good idea anymore." Willow held her gaze, and was semi in resolve face.
"Why would it matter now? The crystal was destroyed; the control is lifted. There's nothing to worry about now." When Willow didn't answer immediately, Fred took it as a bad sign. "Or is there? There's something you're not telling me, Willow."
"I'm sorry about earlier. I just didn't feel comfortable; it's just me being silly, that's all." Willow put on her pouty face, and hoped that it would do some damage control. Luckily, Fred never could completely resist the pouty face, so she just sighed deeply in response. "I'm glad you're here. I missed you all week."
"Yeah. Me, too." Fred was unusually quiet, and not her chipper self. It was alarming for Willow to see this, especially since it was her fault.
"I really am sorry, Fred. I just...it's hard to explain." She took a sip of her coffee, hoping that it would hide her for a brief moment.
"Well, try." There were still trust issues there, and with reasonable cause.
"I can't tell. I promised, and it wouldn't be fair. Just...we should probably not be so couply when around Buffy anymore." Willow's eyes were pleading, and what Fred saw scared her. The unsaid was easy to read but she refused to accept it.
"So...is part of the crystal still active? Should I be worried about losing you again?" Fred was on the verge of a breakdown, and any minute now, she was bound to yell at her girlfriend, something she had never done. This was far from what she expected when she got in her car in LA.
"NO! Absolutely not...I mean, there's no more crystal, and you're not going to lose me. I'm right here, aren't I? I'm not going anywhere." Willow clutched her now cooling mug with both hands, trying to shield herself from the anger she saw in Fred's eyes. She deserved it; she knew that she did but didn't make it hurt any less.
"Well...I'm not so sure anymore. I mean...with everything that's happened..." Fred was still fighting it. She knew this was unreasonable. It had all been a spell, a stupid spell that had torn their loving, trusting relationship all to pieces, and now the fear of losing Willow again was making her a little crazy. There was no way she survive it again with her sanity.
"Nothing's going to happen. There's no more crystal. Giles disposed of the liquid properly, and we tracked everything down. Don't you trust me?" Willow was almost crying but she held back, knowing that they would make a scene if she did.
"I...I..." Fred lowered her head. It's not that she didn't trust Willow...it's that she was still having a hard time with everything. It was all so fresh in her head. Even though it wasn't HER Willow doing those things, it was still her girlfriend's body. Faith and Buffy both had touched her, especially the younger slayer (and numerous times), and Fred had a hard time looking past that. "I don't want to fight."
"You mean...you don't trust me? You think I would really cheat on you?" The tears actually came at that point. There was no use fighting them because at that unsaid confession, it was a lost cause.
"It's not that exactly. I mean...I just don't..." Fred had to take several breaths to calm herself. She lowered her voice. "We haven't had sex the last two times you've come to LA, and now this...what am I supposed to think? Neither of us were on our periods, either, so that's not an excuse."
"I was just tired, that's all. It's not that I didn't want to because I did. I just..." Willow wasn't sure how to explain. She hadn't really thought of that fact, either until just now. She really hadn't even noticed it.
"We're falling apart." Fred laughed bitterly, and turned her body forward, no longer facing her girlfriend.
"No. No falling apart. We can't fall apart. I love you. There's no falling apart allowed." Willow knew she was begging; she wasn't too proud.
"It's true. What is it? Are you just not attracted to me anymore, or is there really somebody else? Is it the long distance thing?" Fred was searching for answers. This was definitely not how she expected her trip to go. "Tell me. Help me understand here because I'm at a loss."
"NO!" Realizing she had said that a little louder than she meant, Willow lowered her voice. "No. None of that. I still want you. Goddess do I, and there is absolutely nobody else that I'm with. I wouldn't consciously do that to you, and you know that."
"Do I?" Her voice was bitterer than she meant but it got the point across.
"You mean..." Willow made no attempt to even try and wipe her tears anymore. There were just too many now. It was like a waterfall, and Fred had even started to cry, her resolve no longer in place. "Is this it?"
"Do you want it to be?" Fred had to close her eyes, afraid of her girlfriend's answer. She didn't even know what possessed her to ask it in the first place.
"No! Absolutely not. I don't want it to ever be over. I love you, Winifred Burkle. Never doubt that I love you." Willow tried to place her hand on Fred's thigh but stopped when she saw Fred shrug away.
"What's happening?" Fred buried her face in her hands. It was all too much.
"Baby? Please...this can't be it. I don't want this to be it. I want us to be together. Don't you?" When Fred just continued sobbing, Willow took her in her arms, and noticed that Fred stayed tense, never relaxing once.
"I need to go." Fred stood, wiping the tears from her face.
"Go? Where?" Willow stood, completely not caring that she had spilled a large batch of her barely touched coffee all over her favorite sweater.
"I don't know. Away. I just can't be here right now. I'll call you later maybe." Fred started walking towards the doorway, and Willow threw her mug on the table, not caring if she damaged anything. She just ran after her girlfriend.
"Fred! No, wait! You can't leave! Please, baby? Stay? Please?" Willow was sobbing on the ground, begging her girlfriend not to leave her, not caring about the onlookers. They both knew that if Fred walked away now, it was the end. It was definitely not what either of them had planned for the weekend.
"I have to, Willow." She leaned down, and took her sobbing face in her hands, gently wiping the flowing tears with her thumbs. She kissed her lightly on the lips a few times, ignoring the hiccups from Willow's sobbing. "Just...promise me that you'll never forget that I love. I will always love you, Willow Rosenberg."
"Please, baby. Don't leave me. I need you so much." Willow wrapped her arms around Fred, crushing them together, not wanting to let go for fear of what that entailed.
"I need you, too but I have to go. Even if I want to stay, I have to go. I love you, Willow. Never forget that." Fred was crying again, too, placing little tiny kisses on the redhead's face to stop the tears. It only made things worse, so she extricated herself from the death grip Willow had on her, and started to walk away, feeling more than guilty about leaving her sobbing ex-girlfriend to fall to the ground completely, while students just watched. There was just no other way. For some reason, fate had decided that they were both fucked over radically.