Loving Willow More
by Rin
2
[reviews]
A/N: Let me know if there's anything you want to see, or anything that's too confusing. I'll try to clear thing up, and add them into the overall plotline if there's a high demand for something.
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It had been three weeks since Fred had left Willow crying on the ground, and those were the longest two weeks of Buffy's life. Although her mind did a little dance that Willow was available now, her heart just couldn't stand the sobbing wreck, and detached person the redhead had become after the sudden breakup. The whole thing seemed too surreal. Buffy had never asked Willow to do anything different; it was the redhead that chose to not act couply with Fred around her. The blonde felt guilty about confessing her love in the first place because if she hadn't, then her best friend wouldn't have avoided being affectionate with her girlfriend in front of her, and the two would never have parted. It was just hard to watch the girl do nothing but sob, and barely be responsive to anything. She had even missed classes those first three days, staying in bed, and doing nothing but sob into her pillows. The pillows still had tearstains.
Acting the part of the best friend had been easy; it came second nature to Buffy. There was nothing she would not do for the redhead, and it showed in the way she took care of her. There was a guy named Parker that had asked her out, and she had politely declined, opting to take lunch to Willow, who was having another 'dead to the world' mode. Angel had even come down to make sure some native tribe hadn't ruined their Thanksgiving holiday, and she had barely acknowledged his presence. One would never even have known that they had known each other by her outward appearance. The only thing she was focused on was helping her best friend come out of depresso girl mode, and getting the chipper, babbling redhead that she fell in love with back. There had been tons of chocolate, ice cream, and vid fests. Faith had even tried to get to the girl but there was no response from her, not even a blush at the lewd sexual innuendoes. Three weeks of this, and no sign of recovery yet. Buffy was scared.
That's when they found Spike. He had returned to Sunnydale with Harmony (recently vamped) of all people, and had been searching for the Gem of Amarah. The big problem occurred when he had found it but the blonde had managed to take it from him, destroying the ring in the process. Spike had disappeared for a while after that, and the gang hadn't been able to find him again until Thanksgiving, when he had shown up on Giles's doorstep, and unable to harm any living person. The gang sighed in relief, and took to trying to find out who the mysterious soldiers were that had been running around killing demons, and neutered Spike. The vampire was proving to be a pain in the ass with helping them but at least he couldn't hurt them anymore. Xander's new girlfriend, an ex-vengeance demon named Anya, reminded him of that little fact frequently.
At the moment, Willow and Buffy were in the dorm room, discussing the gruesome after effects of the redhead's 'will it done' spell gone awry. The blonde had been engaged to Spike, and was still using Listerine on a 15-minute basis, trying to rid the taste of the vampire that had long died in her mouth. She had tried her hardest to help Willow but her hardest just wasn't good enough anymore. It was time to up the ante, even if she didn't like her idea.
"Even though I hate the idea of ever 'loving' Spike, I can't stay mad at you, Willow. You're still hurting, and I've done everything possible to help ease the pain. I need you to budge a little here, too. I can only do so much to help. You have to want the help, and I know you don't want to live like this forever." Buffy sat down on Willow's bed, and positioned herself more towards the redhead. This part was easy: the forgiving. The hard part came next, and she had to bring in more resolve to say it. Willow wasn't helping. She just had that same forlorn look on her face that had been seemingly plastered there for some time. "Look, Willow... I want you to be happy, and I...well, you're not going to like this, I don't think but I..."
"What is it, Buffy?" Willow leaned forward on her bed, pulling herself more towards the blonde, worried at the panicky expression on her best friend's face. Sure, she had been hurting but Buffy helped more than she knew. It's just that Willow had never been heartbroken before, and it hit her like a ton of bricks, just like the breakup had. She honestly was getting better thanks to the blonde, and she was eternally grateful. Buffy took a deep breath before answering.
"I called Fred." There was guilt in her voice, and the sudden increase in Willow's breathing, and the unshed tears behind the green eyes was heartbreaking in and of itself. Buffy cringed.
"Wh-what?" Willow's voice was low, scared, and guilty. She had been having such a tough time, and wanted more than anything to talk to Fred but knew that there was no mending the relationship. That much had been clear in their last conversation, and the fact that Buffy had called her ex made her finally realize that as the truth. There was no going back; she would have to move on with her life. The only problem was that she wasn't sure how, or even if she wanted to try.
"I called Fred. Please don't be mad, Will? I just...I'm not getting through to you, and you cry all the time, and it's starting to scare me more and more each day. I have to help you; I have to make this better for you but it's so hard. I...I just need my Wills back, and I used my final lifeline by calling her. This is killing me watching you suffer like this." Buffy was in tears, clutching the bed sheets right next to Willow's crossed thighs. With that declaration, the redhead went into immediate best friend mode, and caressed Buffy's back, as she pulled her into a tight, awkward embrace overtop the maroon comforter.
"It's okay, Buffy. I'm sorry I've been like this. I'm getting better, honestly. I just...it's been hard, and you've been extra sweet and caring, and you'll never know how much ...how much that means to me. I just..." Willow trailed off, rubbing Buffy's back until the crying subsiding but still holding the embrace. "What did you talk about? What did she say?"
"She can't believe it happened, and she wishes things were different but it's just too hard right now. She wants to come down here, and kick Spike's ass for ruining everything." Buffy loosely came from the embrace, just enough to put them in view of each other's faces, and looked resolvedly into green eyes. "I told her that I would be happy to do it for her because I can't stand watching you like this. I want you to be happy, and Fred made you happy."
"Oh, Buffy. I'm so sorry you had to do that. I know how much it must've hurt you." Willow pulled her into a tight embrace again, burying her neck into the blonde's neck, smelling the aroma of Buffy's tangerine body wash, and light perfume. She loved that combination, and moreso when it combined on the blonde's natural scent.
"I don't care if I'm hurt, just as long as you're safe and happy. That's all I ever want, Wills." Buffy gripped the redhead's body to her just a little tighter, never wanting to let go, enjoying the feeling of Willow's hot breath against the skin of her neck. It surprised her when there was a warm, soft pair of lips brushed lightly against her pulse point, and she released a deep guttural moan before realizing what had just happened. Not wanting to flee, she had to fight the flight reaction. This couldn't happen, and they both knew it; at least not at the moment. "Willow..."
"I know, Buffy. Just... is it too much to ask for you to sleep here with me tonight? I don't want to be alone, and need you here with me. You always make me feel safe." When she received no immediate reply, she released the embrace completely, and went into babble mode, something she hadn't done in over three weeks. "I mean, that is that you don't have to... unless you want to, which is perfectly fine, too. I mean, I want you to but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then I'll just cuddle up to Mr. Bear, and everything will work with..."
"Wills." Buffy smiled genuinely. The redhead was finally returning to the land of the living, and the distinct Willow characteristic of babbling had come out of hiding. Willow stopped, and looked with wide eyes at Buffy's smile. It took a few moments to realize herself what had just happened, and when it finally registered, her face fell into a thankful smile. Thankful for the chance to actually smile again, and thankful that, indeed, Buffy had saved her again by bringing her back to life.
"Sorry." She shrugged but the meaning was lost when Buffy started to lightly giggle, causing the redhead to roll her eyes at her best friend before giggling briefly herself. The blonde was too cute when she laughed, and that caused Willow to touch the gem on her necklace, something she had done for months to calm herself around her friend. When they stopped giggling, Buffy looked at her seriously.
"Of course I'll stay with you. All you have to do is ask." With that, the two went to get ready for bed, and it wasn't long until they were cuddled together underneath the covers. "Willow, are you really going to be okay?"
"I think so." She pondered in thought, relishing the feeling of Buffy's arm draped lightly over her torso, spooning against her friend. It wasn't normal best friend behavior but it still felt right. "I mean, sure it still hurts but you really have helped, even if it doesn't seem like it. I started going to classes again, which is good; I still can't believe I missed."
"Only you would worry about missing classes when you get your heartbroken." Buffy tightened the embrace slightly for a moment before releasing it again.
"Well, school is important. I don't want to get behind in my classes."
"Willow, you missed three days, and the majority of the students have missed at least a month's worth already each. You have nothing to worry about, and besides, you were already a week ahead of the rest, so you weren't behind really." Buffy wasn't sure what possessed her to do it but she placed a warm, gentle kiss on Willow's shoulder, at the place where the redhead's flannel shirt exposed the skin. It was just too tempting. "Sorry."
"No. No, that's okay. I mean... it felt nice, and... I'm just not ready, Buffy." Willow swallowed hard, trying to strap her hormones in after that light touch. It was a simple kiss but it started a fire that burned so much brighter than she had ever felt. She remembered the feeling from when the crystal had caused them to kiss in the school lobby after Buffy defeated the mayor. Even though she wanted it, whatever it was just didn't feel right yet. It just felt too soon after Fred because she had honestly loved the girl with her entire being.
"It's okay, Willow. I know. It won't happen again." Buffy loosened her light hold on the redhead but the girl stopped the arm from leaving its spot, instead turning around in the embrace to place them face to face, breaths touching skin softly.
"That's the thing, Buff. I want it to happen again, just not yet. I do love you, and I want you so much but I'm just not ready. I hate to ask you to wait because I don't know how long it'll be before I'm ready but I don't want to lose you." Willow sighed, and closed her eyes briefly to compose herself. "I just... can we take things slow, and see what happens? It seems too soon after..."
"I will wait for you forever." There was no hesitation in her voice, only sincerity, and Willow smiled tenderly, sealing the silent pact. There would be eventual Buffy/Willow goodness, and they would take things one day at a time, no matter how many days it took.
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Faith was patrolling her fourth cemetery of the night, and was contemplating on what to do when she returned to the Summers house. It was still hard to consider it her house but it was more than a home to her. Joyce had been super kind, and Buffy had managed to help her settle in during the summer. The thing that surprised the brunette the most was that she seemed a little tamer, and not her usual wild self in her personal life. However, slaying was a different story. Her skills and techniques were improving rapidly, and she wondered if Buffy had been right by doing to good girl routine. She just shrugged, and decided that she'd still do things her way, even if her way was changing profusely. Giles had managed to talk her into trying to get her GED, since there would come a time when living on her own would be an issue. That thought had upset her, not wanting to lose the family and home that she had found in Sunnydale, California.
Eventually, she took Giles's advice, and started taking the classes to test for her GED. She still had two weeks left before the test, and her stress level was higher than average. The demons and vampires that were lurking about at night were getting the brunt of that, and when she returned 'home,' she felt more at ease, and pleased with herself for actually becoming somebody, and finding a place to belong. If she wasn't careful, she might actually start to drop the tough girl persona she had worked so hard to keep over the years.
The time that she had spent with Willow during that whole crystal incident had started her thinking along the lines of relationships. She had never really had a serious one, only one night stands, and that had been fine until then but the feelings that still lingered from that sense of trust and love during their 'time together' had caused her to stop sleeping around as much. When Buffy had suggested dating again, she had agreed but that had gone to hell. They were just too different, and the only thing they shared was their slayer stamina in the bedroom. She didn't know it but she really longed for something to call her own, something to be just hers. The problem was she didn't know what it was that she wanted, or even needed in that aspect.
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Cordelia was tired. For three weeks, she had watched over a weeping Fred. It seemed that this had been happening too damn often, and she would switch duty with Gunn every so often. Eventually, the two had managed to get Fred to get out of bed, and start to do things. The thing that surprised them both was that the brunette had stayed on top of things in school. Even though she was hurting, she kept a conscious mind of her duties. She came to work on time, she studied, and she did whatever research Angel and the gang needed. Basically, she had buried herself in work so that she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she had broken up with her girlfriend.
One day, Fred had received a phone call from Buffy, to everybody's surprise. Cordelia, being the best friend she could be, questioned what the whole thing was about, and just as she had suspected, Willow had been just as bad, if not worse. Fred had finally broken down after that, and the crew had started to bring her back. The part that surprised the former cheerleader was that Gunn was at her beck and call. Whatever Fred needed or wanted, he would be right there with it before she even asked. It was like they were tuned to each other, and it scared her. Something was going on, and she determined to find out exactly what, which is why she was currently interrupting their friendly lunch break to investigate. After all, it was a detective agency.
"So, Fred. How are things now? How are you feeling? Are you still burying yourself in work so that you don't have to deal with the breakup?" Cordelia wasn't one for beating around the bush. She wanted facts.
"Oh. Wow. Yeah, Cordy. I'm getting there. You and Gunn have helped." She started to devour her turkey sandwich again, and added as an afterthought with a mouthful still. "Oh, thank you by the way!"
"Eww...chew." She handed her friend a napkin, so that she could wipe the dripping mustard from her chin. "How is Gunn? I don't really see him around much anymore."
"He's great, actually. He just broke up with his girlfriend last week, and been coming over at night to play games, and watch movies. He even made dinner the other night. I had no idea he was so skillful." Fred beamed before biting into her sandwich again.
"You like him." Cordelia sighed, knowing that look in her friend's eyes all too well. It was always apparent whenever she had started dating Willow, and that look only blossomed into something more not too long after. "Don't try to hide it, either. I can tell."
"Would it make me a bad person if I did?" Fred placed her sandwich back in the foil wrapper, and placed all attention on the conversation. This had been bothering her a lot, and she hated the feeling of being without Willow. Gunn had just made the pain go away, and placed happiness there instead, which she was grateful for, and she couldn't help but wonder if she was betraying some code.
"I don't think so but we could look it up to be sure." She smirked at her friend, letting her know she was there to talk anytime, like she had done a thousand times before, and would continue doing. "What about Willow?"
"I still love her, Cordy. I love her so much, and it's really hard without her but it just isn't possible. For some reason, I can't get over this whole crystal incident." She slumped in her chair a little bit, and played with her hands to avoid overflowing emotions.
"What about it is the problem? You never really said." Cordy pushed her half eaten sandwich forward on the table, indicating that she was all ears.
"She slept with somebody else, spell or no spell. I know she didn't do it on her own free will, and that she wouldn't do it consciously but there's a part of me that can't get past the fact that she cheated on me. We were happy, and..."
"You don't think she fought the crystal's thrall hard enough, even though there was no way possible to do that. You still believe she could have done something because of her magick." She sighed, finally getting what had caused this whole fiasco. "Fred, you know there was no way she could have fought it. It had control of everything, even her magick. I know you probably don't want to hear this but you're being ridiculous."
"No, I'm not! You have no idea how this feels. When I went to her house, and she was there with Faith, I had lost everything. I can get over a kiss, fine. Kisses happen but Faith touched her in ways that I was only supposed to." Fred didn't mean to sound so bitter but it was still a sore subject, and probably always would be as far as she could tell.
"Oh, I get it." The realization of the unsaid behind the little rant was clear to the taller woman, and she had to smile at her skills for digging for the truth. "She liked it." There it was, it was out there, and Fred just silently cried, not even bothering to wipe the slow falling tears, or making eye contact with her friend. "Fred, I'm sorry. I never realized that..." Thinking quickly, she had to find something comforting. "Look, Willow loved you, still does. There is no doubt there for anybody, and the fact that she enjoyed having an orgasm is no surprise. I've never met a person yet that doesn't enjoy that feeling. The fact that she was being completely honest and open with you about that fact...that just makes your relationship so much stronger. She trusted you enough to let you know that enjoyed sex with Faith but did she ever once say that she enjoyed it more than sex with you?"
"No." Fred was quiet, barely audible but they were close enough that Cordelia heard the negative response, and all she could do was sigh. Things were so messed up at the moment, and all over a vampire's wish to take over Sunnydale...again. 'Can't they ever get original? They need a new MO because that went out of style long ago.'
"Fred?" She waited until the girl in question made eye contact before she continued. "Listen. I know it hurts but you can still fix this, considering whether or not it can be fixed, or that Willow even wants to fix things. Only you can figure that out, and if you even want to fix things. From what I understand, it'll take longer before you can release the pain that the thought of Faith and Willow together..."
"It's not just that."
"What?"
"I said that it's not just that." Upon Cordy's questioning gaze, Fred clarified. "Willow is in love with Buffy, and she would have to choose between us. I'm not putting her through that, or myself because she would..."
"...choose Buffy. There's no question there, I know. Her precious Buffy; but aren't you putting words into her mouth?" Cordelia pulled her sandwich back, feeling her stomach saying 'feed me.'
"Well...I mean, sure, sort of but it's not like the evidence isn't there. We always made our dates around her patrol schedule with Buffy, she would blush whenever she was around us this summer, and then the whole thing that triggered the breakup. As much as I wish it were me that she'd choose, it will always be Buffy in the end. She would never give her up for anything, or anything, including me." Fred got quiet at the end, tired of crying, tired of thinking about the whole thing. The only solace from the situation was when Gunn came by at night. "Cordy, they're in love with each other, and they've told each other that. When Buffy called the other day, she told me everything that happened the night before the breakup, and the reason why Willow had steered from affection when I got there. She has too big a heart, and just didn't want to hurt Buffy. You have no idea how stupid I felt when she told me that, and I regretted breaking up with Willow again but when she said that Wills had done a spell to make herself better, and things had gone crazy instead, I just... When she said she'd kick Spike's ass for me, there was so much emotion in her voice. I want Willow back but I think the problem is that I want Willow back before the crystal interfered. That's not possible, and it's time to move on, I think. No matter how much it hurts still. Does any of that make sense?"
"Well, despite the fact that you are extremely long winded, I do understand." Cordelia stood up, and threw their trash away in the bin, moving back to Fred, who was standing up as well. "Willow loves you still, and I know for a fact that she wants you to be happy, no matter what. If you think that you can find that in Gunn, then so be it. I just wouldn't mention it to her too soon, which translates as until she manages to move on herself. Just go with what you feel."
"I feel like breaking something." Fred started walking towards the café's exit, and opened the door for her taller friend.
"Well, that's a start!" Cordelia walked out into the bright LA sun, or rather somewhat hazy atmosphere. The smog was high that day for some reason. The two just continued walking to the car, getting in, and driving back to the Angel Investigations building to continue their aid in helping the helpless, and ridding the world of the evil that had caused the whole thing to start.