Reactions and Admissions
by DawnBTVS
Chapter 12
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I was in the kitchen, seated alone at the countertop. Joyce had just finished the toast, and gave me a couple slices. I smiled my thanks, but hadn't touched them yet. Joyce looked at me, concerned. Buffy was still asleep upstairs, and I had wanted to tell Joyce alone.
"Is something wrong Willow?" Joyce asked. She stared at me, just waiting patiently. I lifted my head, and gazed at her.
"W-what did Buffy tell you...last night...about my parents?" I asked. I wanted to know what Buffy had told Joyce before I spoke. Joyce looked confused for a moment, but smiled at me.
"She said that they had, uh, gone on vacation again," she replied. I swallowed, not sure how to dive into this.
"Uh, Joyce. They didn't go on vacation. Well, they did, but it's not really a short-term vacation of the weekly, monthly, or even yearly variety. Not that it's really a vacation either; it is in some areas of the world but-" I babbled, very nervous. Joyce grabbed one of my hands with both of hers.
"What happened Willow?" she asked, concern, and worry on her face. I would've broken down, but I had to be strong to say what was coming next.
"They're dead," I whispered, tears now falling. It was the first time I really said it, and it tore my heart to pieces. Damn Angel. Joyce gasped, then rushed around the countertop, and hugged me. She pulled back away, as I lifted my sleeve up, and wiped my tears away.
"Do you have anywhere to stay?" she asked, dreading my answer. I shook my head. I didn't want to live with any other relatives. I only felt safe there, although living in Sunnydale, that notion probably didn't mean much.
"I don't know any living relatives. I don't really have any friends either, that I could stay with," I stammered, as I played with the hem of my pajama sleeve.
"Would you like to stay with us? I'm not sure about legal guardianship, but..." Joyce said, as she trailed off. I lifted my eyes, but masked my hope.
"Are you sure? I don't want to infringe," I said, as Joyce smiled, and hugged me again.
"You're a great girl Willow. Buffy loves you. If you want to stay, all you have to do is say yes," Joyce said. I felt tears shimmer again, and wiped them away. I willed myself not to cry.
"Y-yes," I whispered, a smile tugged at my lips. Just then, I heard the padded steps of my girlfriend.
"Mmm...toast, smells good," said Buffy. She grabbed a slice from my plate, and bit into it contentedly. I smirked at her, as she looked from Joyce back to me.
"What's going on?" she asked, confused. I looked at Joyce, unsure if she wanted to tell.
"Go ahead Willow," Joyce said, with a smile. Buffy turned her attention to me.
"I'll be living here," I said, softly. I wasn't sure if I should feel guilty or not, and that ate at me. Buffy squealed, and gave me a death hug. I groaned, letting her know it was tight enough. She broke it off, but her smile could have lit up a thousand bulbs. Then, her smile turned to a frown, as she remembered why I would be living here. I sighed.
"We should get ready for school," I said, trying to get off the depressing topic. Buffy and Joyce nodded their heads in agreement.
"School...right," said Buffy, as she headed towards the stairs. I followed.
~~~BTVS~~~
Buffy and I entered the library, arms linked. Giles, Cordelia, Xander, and Jenny were already seated at the table. We walked up to them slowly, as Buffy took a seat next to Xander. I remained on my feet though. All eyes were now focused on me. I could tell they all knew something bad had gone down. This was worse then bad though. I mean, it was at the stratosphere of badville. Whatever they were contemplating happened, they had no idea.
"How are you? You don't look that well," Giles said, concern in his voice. I lowered my head. Well? Of course I didn't look well! I probably looked like a corpse. I damn sure felt like one.
"Angel...He killed my parents," I said, as I swallowed a sob. I could feel them blanching. I lifted my eyes. I saw them react. They were horrified of course. I'm sure they were trying to feel what I felt, but there was no way they could. It's unexplainable, the feelings that were coursing through my body. It was like a riptide, going up and down, over and over again. Up went my sorrow, and down went my despair. Up went my pain, and down went my emptiness. I understood that they wanted to feel what I felt. They never would though, and that angered me a little. Here I was, suffering. I had to find my parents dead. What could they do? Tell me how sorry they were? That was a great comfort to me. Willow, Jewish redhead finds parents dead, but friends are sorry so all my pain goes away like the flip of a light switch. I was feeling angry. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. It's like I'm alone on this and nobody else can connect with me on my level.
"Dear Lord," Giles whispered, horrified at what Angel could do. "Is everybody else alright?" he asked. Cordelia shook her head.
"Angel paid me a visit too. Not that I saw him. I went into my room, to find a Jack Russell terrier nailed to my door. It had an envelope in its mouth with pictures of..." Cordelia trailed off, as I felt a sharp stab of pain in my gut. Angel couldn't just kill my parents. He had to make my friends suffer through them too.
"I received an e-mail. The pictures were attached," said Jenny, quietly. I felt my body deflate, and slumped into a chair next to Buffy. Buffy wrapped her arms around me. I looked at her hazel eyes, and saw tears brimming. I hated seeing my life hurt the ones I loved.
"Could we bury my parents today? They deserve that much," I said, as Buffy nodded her head.
"Of course baby," she said, a forlorn smile on her face.
"Absolutely Willow. It's the least we can do," Giles said, as I nodded my head in thanks. Giles looked down, and reached into his coat pocket. He pulled out a letter, folded neatly, and tied together. He handed it to Buffy who looked at him. She was confused, and a bit leery. She turned to me, but my focus was entirely on the letter. Giles hasn't said a word, and I want to know what it contains. Looking back, I should've just fled the room. Buffy opened it, and read it aloud.
To Buffy Summers,
If you're receiving this letter, you understand what has been accomplished. You have seen my handiwork, and are aware that I am no longer the vampire you knew. I was sick of it, Buffy. I was given a soul by a gypsy clan and I was forced against my will to suffer for what I had done. I was forced to look back at my kills with sadness, despair, and a hurting heart. So I tried to redeem myself, Buffy. I lived off rats and pigs blood in the hope that the Fates would smile at me and forgive me. That never happened though, and I continued on my course, determined to find something that would help me attain forgiveness. I saw you when you were chosen. I figured that helping you out upon your arrival to Sunnydale would put me back in their good graces. I helped you, time and again, and yet nothing was changing. I was still forced to drink pigs blood and look back at my past with haunted eyes. I couldn't stand it any longer, Buffy, and the final straw was when you chose Willow to be your mate. My redemption had turned from that to a way to win your heart. I thought it was working too, especially after we kissed. Then I learned that you and Willow were together, and I had lost my chance to love you. What good was redemption and fighting to be a good guy then? You wouldn't have given a damn and the Fates still weren't satisfied with the job I was doing. I finally gave up, on life, on good intentions, and on you. I didn't turn evil, Buffy. It wasn't like there was a sign that said go right for Good and go left for Evil. I was always evil, Buffy, and it was just a matter of me finding that within myself. Humanity, all of humanity, is evil in some form or another. Evilness lies in lying, sleeping with whores, raping women, or murdering innocents. I missed the feeling of the kill. I missed the euphoria that came with biting into a victim and seeing the pain, fear, and mistrust in their eyes. My evil was in murder, Buffy, and now you understand that don't you? All I had to do was look, deep inside myself to return to what I truly was. I tried to shield myself, pretend that Evil didn't exist in me anymore. I was lying to myself though. I already was Evil by simply lying to myself. Tell Willow, that her father put up a damn good fight. It's been a while since a victim of mine managed to land a good blow before dying. He caught me right along the cheek, left a nice cut. He even managed to scream her name before I ripped his throat open. Her mother wasn't a battler though. She was still naïve right up to the point where my fangs sank into her. It took me a good hour to finally figure out how I wanted them set up. Originally, I was going to have them splayed out on Willow's bed with roses and a bottle of wine. I think I should've gone that way, but the expression on your faces was still priceless. My fun's just begun sweetheart and that act, was just the first scene.
Angel
I ran and didn't stop. Words and images were swirling in my head, a jumbling mass of blood, evil, and death. I knocked a girl down in the hallway. Normally I would've apologized profusely. I'm not one to go around hurting others. Of course, it seems as of late, that's all I've been doing. I reached the bathroom in time, and managed to empty my contents into the toilet. I kept going, my stomach refusing to give up on finding anything. They didn't deserve this at all. I could sense Buffy's presence, but she was giving me space. I wonder if this is hell. I wonder if this is my hell, seeing my parents die, my world turn upside down, and seeing it affect others. I blacked out then, just lost in my sickness.