Impressionable Sorrows
by DawnBTVS
Part IX: Enduring Loss
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I had woken up early, as usual. I left the Summers home, just taking in the morning. It had been a while since I had really walked about, took in the sun. I never went to the beach much. I was either too young, or didn't have the clothing, or didn't have the time. I missed out on so much shit in my childhood. I never learned to cook or even wash my clothes. I didn't have anybody to teach me how to drive or even survive in life. I was taught manners. You want to be respectful? Shut up or you get hit. Those were the manners I was taught. I wonder how my life would've been if I didn't have my childhood. I sleep at night, and I dream about being adopted by Joyce. Growing up with Buffy...and Dawn, even though she's just a figment, that isn't even in my memory. I know she's not real, but I've become a little attached to her. It's nice having a sister, even if B seems to hate it. She reminds me of myself at her age. I think that's why I've taken such a liking to her. I don't know how long I've been. All I do know is that there sure as hell wasn't an ambulance when I left. I feel my organs stop. Bad analogy given what I was about to find, I guess.
"Giles, what-" I get out. Buffy's talking to a paramedic and she looks like she's dead. I assume Dawn's in school. I'm just so confused at the moment. Giles is just holding me, tightly, a fatherly embrace. He's holding me back though. It terrifies me. "What happened?" I choke out. I can't handle not knowing what happened. Is Joyce okay? Dawn? I look at Giles, my face growing paler by the second with worry.
"They...tried to revive her," he says, softly. I feel my body shudder, knowing where he's headed.
"Not Joyce," I whisper. I can't fucking deal with it, if it is her. She was finally starting to accept me, you know? I was starting to see her as a mother, in my life, and I didn't want to lose that.
"I'm sorry, Faith," Giles says. I can feel the tears falling now. I shake out of Giles' embrace, and just crumple to the ground. My vision's blurred and I can't see anything. All I see is Joyce. She was modeling her evening gown for us just yesterday. She looked so nice. How could she be gone? It wasn't fucking fair!
"N-no, not her. She was good, God," I moan. I can feel the tears falling. I notice this absent-mindedly though.
~~~BTVS~~~
I'm still in shock. My tears stopped falling a while go, but I'm not aware of time or place. Giles drove me to the hospital. I was curled in a chair, blanket wrapped over me. I wasn't aware that my head was resting on Tara's shoulder. Willow was holding Buffy's hand. I could see Red's hand trembling. This sucked, so fucking much. What did we do to deserve this? We've saved the world; Buffy has at least, more times than we could count. Doesn't that fucking mean anything? It hurt so much more when I looked at Dawn though. I had already lived through this. I didn't have either parent by her age, and she was mirroring me. She shouldn't have to go through what I've gone through. I watch Dawn get up. She heads towards the bathroom, but she turns, and goes through the doors leading to the dead bodies. I stiffen a little against Tara. I forgot she had her arm wrapped around me.
"B," I mutter. Buffy lifts her head, and is watching me with vacant eyes. I gesture towards where Dawn had gone. I mouth 'Dawn' at her, as she nods her head, grateful that I was watching over little sis. She gets up and follows. Giles had been pacing, and finally sits down next to Willow. Xander and Anya are also embraced. If somebody didn't know better...but I kill that thought immediately. Now's not the time. I turn my attention to Tara, who's giving me a sweet smile. I can see the sadness in her eyes though.
"Shh," she says. I just nod my head, and lower it back onto her shoulder. With my Slayer hearing, I can hear Buffy battling. I know it's a vampire. I also know that B's rage can handle it. I close my eyes then. I dream of Joyce, and I dream of a paramedic racing to the scene, and reviving her. It's a pleasant dream. Sadly, that's all it will ever be though. I cry, silently. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to keep my life from running off the tracks can I?