Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 17
[reviews]
Xander really hated waking up this early. But being unable to settle back to sleep he dragged himself from a cozy bed filled with warm and welcoming Anya, which just didn't seem right. He questioned the logic of the world with a half hazy mind.
He shuffled across the cold floor of his kitchen in Anya's fuzzy bedroom slippers which were two sizes too small. This caused him to walk on the balls of his feet, like an escapee from Fantasia, to keep his heels from touching the freezing floor tiles. Taking the butter out of the refrigerator and moving toward the toaster, he happened to glance out of his apartment window and ... "What the ..." he dropped the butter and, moving instinctively towards his knife block, he pulled the largest knife free.
Turning to position himself between the balcony entrance and Anya who was still asleep in their bedroom, he forgot to look down. So fulfilling his role as the 'funny Scooby', he slipped on the fallen pat of butter. As if in slow motion he fell backwards, arms and legs flayed pointlessly in the air, wheeling around as if to gain traction upon the air itself. The resounding thump that was his body as it hit the floor was echoed in the "oooomph" he let out as any air left in his lungs escaped.
"Thank god. Some things never change," muttered Faith as she raised her eyes to the heavens and smiled before pushing open the balcony door and entering the apartment. "Whoa there, danger boy. Not here for a fight, fun though it would be to whip your butt. Seems you don't really need my help with that," she advised him as she closed the door and moved into the apartment.
Xander picked himself up, keeping the knife firmly in his hand, while removing the now flat pat of butter that he had landed on and was now totally stuck to his butt.
Considering the need to keep Xander calm, Faith turned her face from him to hide her smile as he completed the delicate operation involved in removing the butter from his butt. "Nice ... complimentary color scheme. Anya, I presume," she commented as she looked around.
"Yeah, right. Your new job is interior decoration critic ... I don't think so. What do you want?" Xander asked eyeing the ex-slayer with distrust while desperately trying to regain his dignity.
"I thought you might be able to help," she informed him. Suddenly not so sure that this had been such a good idea, she wondered if she had placed too much importance on Cordelia's insight.
"Okay. Checking the side and rear view mirrors here cause ... since when was the highway of good intentions your road of choice?" Xander asked as he moved between her and the bedroom door.
"Chill, fluffy slipper man," Faith said, catching a glimpse of his footwear as Xander tiptoed out of the kitchen before moving into a very defensive position, blocking her possible access to the bedroom. "I'm not here to wake up your sugar and have an "ex" heart to heart. Good choice, by the way. The chick has balls," she said smiling. "I like a girl who knows what she wants. Seem to remember that was one of the things about us Slayer's that turned you on."
"Oh wait let me see ... Nope, a psycho ex-Slayer roaming my apartment doesn't tend to bring out my 'host with the most' manners, let alone the need to walk down memory lane. So how about you say whatever you have to say and get gone," Xander said, trying to sound as forceful as he could, his insides forming that familiar jelly belly feeling he hated. Right now his major concern was Anya. He didn't want her to wake up and find Faith in their apartment ... he just knew that these two meeting ... would be nothing but bad.
Faith had a moment of clarity. "Listen, toy boy, I'm real impressed with the whole 'I've grown a backbone' thing. Guess I never brought that out in you but we don't have to get big with the reminiscing for this to work," she said, setting her shoulders back and opening her arms as a sign that she did not intend anything aggressive. "I just need for you to let the B and Red in on the whole big point. That it's not about the sex," she started to turn and leave, having said what she had come here to say.
"So you're here to tell me you placed a curse on them so that they'll figure out that it's all about the love. Forgive me if I don't get all 'woo hoo' and grateful. You want me to believe you've changed, with life-changing experiences? Then don't sneak up and curse my friends. Let me clue you in. Angel as your choice of 'Psycho's Anonymous' sponsor doesn't really score big with me. This just isn't really your style, is it Faith?" Xander said somewhat amazed at the calmness of the ex-Slayer. Faith wasn't rising to any of his baitings. She wasn't even glaring at him. And as she turned her back on him, he realized he had questions ... many questions ... well no, really just one. "So why?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Faith said as she opened the balcony door and turning back she offered Xander a small sincere smile before attempting to remove the frown that was now working its way to his forehead by adding, "Don't fret lover boy. We're five by five," before she quietly closed the balcony door behind her.
Xander stood for a moment not quite believing he had just survived a personal visit from Faith, let alone that she had actually been polite. Giving in to his Scooby instincts, he headed for the bedroom to awaken Anya. They needed to get to the magic shop, to Giles — to Scooby Central.
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It was still very early in the morning and although the shop wasn't yet open for business, quite a lot of work had already occurred. As Xander and Anya entered they found Giles pouring over books but there was no sign of Buffy or Willow. Anya, unaware of Faith's early morning visit, didn't notice Xander's somewhat quiet behavior as they approached the ex-Watcher.
Xander was anxious to tell Giles about Faith's visit but couldn't figure out how without alerting Anya to the fact that Faith had been in their apartment. The possibility of Anya insecure and fretting really didn't appeal to him right now.
"Ahh, you're here. Good. Something rather important has occurred," Giles explained, in his usually vague manner. Gesturing them to sit, he proceeded to share the highlights of last night's revelations.
Xander sat half-listening while Anya, somewhat more awake, persisted in interrupting the explanation much to Giles' annoyance. Finally he reached the 'something rather important' part - "So no moon-set, no morning star; no morning star, no dawn; no dawn, no sunrise."
"Oh, great. Another apocalypse. This really doesn't help business, you know," Anya pointed out. "It's un-American. Why can't they just have sex and get their bodies back? Why is everyone making such a big deal about this?"
"It's not really that simple ... " Giles attempted to explain only to be interrupted again by Anya.
"Oh, but it is. Women have been, you know, doing it with other women since the beginning of time. I understand it's quite fulfilling and produces many moments of bliss. I could help," she offered. Seeing Giles' eyebrows rise and Xander's suddenly very awake and interested look, she added "Now that sounded far more Lesbian than I intended. There are books I could order."
"Honey, this is kinda Willow's thing. I don't think she's really gonna be needing an instruction manual. Though I'd like to see ...," Xander stopped remembering Giles was in the room. "Later." However, mentally he made note of a little idea he would mention to Anya later. Much later and alone.
"What I meant to say," Giles said, interrupting and throwing Xander his best headmaster glare, "was that it appears that our original ... interpretation of the curse, apart from being less than accurate ... could possibly have led us to believe that certain acts... that is a certain theory ... which required personal acts ... appears to have been less than ..." He floundered for the words and removing his glasses, he pressed his fingers to his forehead for inspiration. This was not a piece of news he really felt comfortable sharing. But judging from the reaction Willow had had once Buffy had told him, he felt that he couldn't really expect them to go through it again with Xander and Anya.
"G-man, have you been overdoing the caffeine? Maybe you should stick to the tea," Xander advised, grinning at the ex-Watcher with simple pleasure.
Giles glared at Xander for using the "G" word in addressing him yet again. "Thank you for your concern but my caffeine consumption is not at issue I can assure you. It's just that having to have this whole conversation ... somewhat less than comfortable," he paused again, replacing his glasses. "It appears that Buffy and Willow's attempt to ... resolve the curse ... That is to say ..."
"Oh my god!" Xander exclaimed as it finally hit him. Unasked for mental images filled his head and a smile spread across his face. He found himself unable to hold back a rather high pitched giggle.
"They were unsuccessful," Giles concluded, desperately wishing that the earth would open up and swallow him.
"Oh my god ..." Xander repeated. His mouth fell open as he lost complete control of his mind and his eyes glazed over as he surrendered to the images filling his head. "Oh my..."
Anya looked from her fantasy-ridden boyfriend to the somewhat blushing Giles and shook her head, "Thank you very much. It will take me hours to get that smirk off his face." She stood and moved towards the counter. Turning she asked, "Are you sure they did it right?"
Giles looked at her and for once he couldn't think how to respond. He looked to Xander for help and then shook his head in amazement. Turning back to Anya he said the first thing that popped into his head, "Apparently there was a list."
"There's a list?" Xander piped up, coming out of his fantasy at break neck speed. "Oh this just gets keeps getting better and better. Heh heh heh. What kind of list?"
"Xander would like to see the list," Anya said stating the obvious. "I would be interested to know if there are helpful diagrams. I foresee many nights of ..."
Giles interrupted forcefully. "I really don't think that's going to happen and I would really appreciate it if this conversation could end now," Giles said his voice becoming quite high pitched. As he stood and moved to the back of the shop, muttering, "No Watcher has ever had to put up with this ... why me?"
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Faith switched channels desperately trying to find something on early morning television to grab her attention but her mind just couldn't seem to hold still. She'd followed Xander and Anya to the magic box, relieved and hopeful that maybe her decision to approach Xander hadn't been such a bad idea after all. She hadn't even attempted to go back to bed. What would have been the point? She watched the clock, waiting until it was a civilized enough hour to call Cordelia.
She found it a little unsettling that she was so eager to call Queen C to check in with someone who seemed to care ... not the big mushy stuff but sorta trusting and who gave it to her straight. This was new.
If you'd asked her what she thought of Cordelia when she first met her that night years ago in the Bronze, she would have said that the girl was a cheerleader fashion bitch destined to join all the right clubs and do nothing more than spend her husband's hard earned money on plastic surgery and shoes for the rest of her lypo-suctioned life. What the devil she was doing with the scoobies let alone Xander had escaped her at that time.
Yet now that she knew the woman Cordelia had become, she felt proud and protective. C had been through the ringer. Okay she had survived her early years on the hellmouth — no mean feat in it's self. But the huge fall from financially secure grace ... that had to have hurt. And with no Danielle Steele to write her comeback she'd had to redesign her own future. But what impressed Faith the most was that she hadn't just decided to take a different route to collagen luxury heaven as just about everyone had a right to expect she would. Nope, she went and changed her goals and her life completely ... and the visions! Faith really couldn't understand how Cordy wasn't a bitter, neurotic, paranoid depressive woman on valium. The girl had backbone.
Faith now knew that Queen C's sharp tongue cleverly shielded her soft and sensitive hidden side and that she also had almost had much nerve as Faith herself. She really liked the girl and deep down inside she hoped, more than she thought she should, that Cordy liked her too. She knew that she didn't deserve to have anyone in her corner although Angel had been a huge, if more than welcome. surprise. The guy had his own crosses and masses of guilt to bear. And, oh boy, could he brood. But she really understood where he was. Hell, she was there too.
But Cordy was ... well she was mortal ... fighting the fight but still laughing at life. Not always big with the self searching like Angel but so much more fun to banter with and a little easier on the eye. She could take on the role of buddy and yet never be a side kick. She didn't make it easy for Faith but she did make it possible.
Faith had taken on this task to try to make it up to Buffy and Red because she owed them. But if she was honest with herself, there was a bonus. She could show Cordy that she was someone to be trusted, someone who finished what she started. She wanted Cordy to think well of her. It had become important.
Looking back up at the clock she saw it was just after eight. She rose, moved to the telephone, picked up the receiver and began to dial.
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Giles had been hiding in the basement for about half an hour when he heard footsteps on the stairs and his heart dropped in fear that it was Anya. Turning, he saw Xander's builder's boots stomping their way down the wooden staircase. "Xander, I really don't want to talk anymore about ..."
"S'okay, G-man. I'm not here to quiz you on the failed frolickings of Bullow and Wiffy."
"Of whom? Will you please stop calling me that?" Giles asked before he could stop himself. "Ahh yes I see. You mean Buffy in Willow and Willow in Buffy. Yes. It's some rather crude and no doubt intended to be humorous way of keeping who's in whom straight."
"You could say that," Xander agreed, although grinning he couldn't help adding, "Although straight? Who's in whom? That's the subject we're avoiding, right?"
"Exactly!" Giles commented, his temper rising at Xander's infantile comment.
"Sorry. Too easy," he apologized. "Seriously though, I had a visit from Faith this morning."
Giles' annoyance immediately vanished, "Really? Are you two okay?"
"Yeah, no blood shed. Anya was still asleep during my early morning nightmare so she doesn't know. Hoping to keep it that way," he added. "Faith wanted to get me to help her. Something to the effect of 'tell Red and Buffy that it's not about the sex'. At first I thought she was going on about something more important, you know. But I guess that was just me being hopeful guy."
"Did she say anything else? Give any clue as to why she's doing this?" Giles asked his brow furrowed.
"I did ask. All I got was some cryptic 'You wouldn't believe me if I told you' response."
Giles turned away from Xander and after a moment or two he began to 'tutt'.
"Hey, you know your making that noise, right?" Xander asked, somewhat puzzled by Giles' actions. He was used to the 'head in hand' pose, the running of fingers through thinning hair, even the continual glass cleaning, but 'tutting' ... that was new. Years of scoobying had taught him one thing -- new normally meant bad.
"Yes, indeed. Xander, I need you to call Buffy and Willow. Get them here as soon as possible. I'm going to have to gather a few supplies."
"Are we tooling up for a Faith hunt?" Xander asked. He really was looking forward to returning her early morning call ... with some back up, of course.
"No. There's no need for that. We have a far more powerful option available to us," he ended cryptically.
Xander looked at him expectantly. "We do?"
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Buffy sat in Giles' well-worn chair watching Willow meditate. Her stillness was impressive. She had calmed down a lot once Giles had left them alone. Buffy had decided it was probably best if they didn't return to the dorm room so she had let Willow settle on the couch and moved to give her space. She hated that yet again she was the cause of pain for Willow. The guilt overwhelmed her entire being. She hated that she was getting so use to the terrible feeling.
It had taken a while for Willow to stop hyperventilating and Buffy had, at first, feared that there was something more wrong than just the cold shower of reality hitting her. But with the calmness had also come a silence that neither one of them seemed prepared to break. What exactly was the right thing to say? Someone should write a book entitled 'Awkward Morning-After Right Things To Say' or 'How To Avoid Being Stupid And Misunderstood' Buffy thought. She really could have used such a book this morning. Somehow she knew that what little she had said this morning had not only been inadequate but had probably hurt her best friend.
Buffy had wanted to talk to Willow to let her know that she too had suffered the cold realization that the bodies they had made love to had been their own. That the things they had done, they way they had felt was somehow all mixed up and nightmarish in its complexity. But she had no idea where to begin. So she had shoved all her worries and fears to the back of her mind as she so often did. Willow, however, didn't seem to be able to disconnect from things like she could.
She watched her Willow closely and did something she rarely did. She closed her eyes and quietly murmured "Please God, or maybe Willow's Goddesses, if Willow can't love me like I love her — I can live with that. But please, please don't let what we did last night ruin our friendship. I really need her and couldn't survive without her."
She thought about how in many ways before last night they had been strangers even though they had also been best friends. But last night they had shown each other a side of themselves that you didn't usually get to show your best friend or anyone else. She had been in Willow's body and had experienced its urges, all of her sensitive areas, the quiet verbal instructions and demands they had whispered and sometimes begged each other to follow. Caught up in the circular sharing that had taken place, Buffy's mind swirled at how much she had learned about her Willow last night, how much she had learned about herself. She imagined Freud sitting in the corner, busily scribbling down notes with sheer excitement, a thousand theories and explanations for female behavior flooding his over-sized brain.
The phone rang, breaking her rather strange train of thought. Willow didn't move an inch at the noise so Buffy stood and moved quickly to answer the phone's shrill demand.
"Buffy?" she heard Xander question.
"Hi Xan," she responded. She really hoped this wasn't going to be one of those long 'I'm like your big brother' phone calls Xander seemed to be specializing in lately.
"The G-man says that you and Will need to get over here. He thinks it's time for another Slayer 'Vision Rod' session. I know that may be the last thing you're in the mood for but I hear we have a clock ticking," Xander explained.
"Tell him we'll be over when we're ready," Buffy informed him, unsure if Willow was really prepared for another vision quest. "No deadlines okay."
"Okay, will do. You guys okay?" Xander asked, suppressing the eagerness in his voice as much as he could, the concern that his friends were okay coming before his natural curiosity as to how they were coping with the 'morning after'.
Realizing that by now Giles had probably informed the gang of their failed attempt to break the curse and that Xander had obviously moved past the male hormone fantasy zone he was sure to have visited, she kept her response brief. "We're getting there. See you when we see you."
Hanging up the telephone, Buffy took a deep breath. 'We are so gonna be an Oprah special.' She had hoped that they would have a little longer before a public appearance would be required. But Xander was right. The new development in the curse situation had set a clock ticking. This was no longer just about them.
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Cordy pushed her empty yogurt carton into the practically overflowing garbage can and promised herself that she would do some spring cleaning this weekend. She'd been a bit of a slob lately. Having her apartment back to herself for the past few days had been great but having a roommate had made her tidier. She certainly hadn't expected that she would miss Faith. 'Go figure'.
As she placed her cup in the sink and reached to turn the hot tap on, her simple morning routine was interrupted by her telephone. She noticed the small wave of excited anticipation rising within her and it felt good as she dashed from the kitchen to the living room.
"Hi," she said somewhat breathlessly as she picked up the receiver.
"C, you okay babe? Did I interrupt something?" Faith asked adding just enough sauce to her comment to make it clear what she was referring to.
"Yeah I'm fine! I was just on the wrong side of the apartment when the phone rang," Cordy explained, now feeling somewhat foolish for running to the phone.
"Right. So ... how you doing?" Faith asked lamely.
"Okay. How goes the matchmaking?" Cordy asked.
"Not too good," Faith responded suddenly feeling somewhat a failure. "Wrinkles being ironed, if you get me."
"I get you," Cordy responded.
"Guess you do," Faith commented before she could stop herself. 'Damn this girl's too good to be true,' she thought. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy, C, but I didn't realize how dumb the love struck duo was. It's like everyone else knows how much they mean to each other but they missed the memo. So ... any news on the mission impossible squad?"
" Nope, nothing yet," Cordy informed her, adding "But I wasn't really expecting to see them for a while" to ease any fears Faith might be having.
"Cool. Well, I was just thinking ... if you were up for a field trip ... you know revisit the beginning ... a Sunnydale reunion type gig?" Faith asked. "If you're getting fed up with the aloneness, that is."
Concerned and a little touched by Faith's invitation, Cordy asked "What's up? Is there something you need my help with? Has something gone wrong?"
"No, it's all five by five here," Faith responded, a little less certain of what she was saying than she liked to be. She wasn't really big with the idea of letting C know that smoothly didn't really describe how the plan was going. "Body switch all in play. Closeness visible. Touching kinda. They're on the road. The Orb thing was the hard part but that's over."
"Why do you think the Mayor left you that anyway?" Cordy asked.
"Guess he thought it would give me a new start. You know, steal someone else's life and live it big. He was never really big into the morality stuff that would hit with stealing someone else's body," Faith said, her voice becoming a little wistful. "Guess the new and improved me wasn't part of his plan."
"You threw a few people with that one," Cordelia confirmed, knowing that she too had been among the non-believers until quite recently.
"It's real you know," Faith said quietly, feeling the need to remind her.
"I know. I get it. Took me a while but do I get it," Cordy assured her. "So you're okay?"
"I'm dealing," said Faith, touched by Cordy's concern. It was nice having someone to worry about you.
"You sure? It's not like you to want a side kick." Cordy queried. She was still a little unnerved by Faith's invitation.
"Don't get all 'big sis' knickers in a twist' on me. I just thought you might like a little ... some down time. Kinda got used to having you around. Weird, huh?" Faith laughed, brushing her invitation aside. "No big if you're not into going back to your roots."
"Okay. Nice to be asked though. Sorta missing you too. Mega weird," She stated feeling like she was back in high school all over again. "I had hot water this morning," Cordelia quickly added, changing the topic.
"Right. Bet you're pigging out on that yogurt crap instead of a proper breakfast. Don't know why you bother. Demon fighting --- pretty much the best cardio you can get," Faith said, lightening the mood of their conversation.
"Yeah, it's all the running away. Great for the tone," Cordy responded. "So you're good?"
"My tone's fine but thanks for asking," Faith quipped. "How's yours?"
"Good," Cordy replied, laughing. Everything Faith said seemed to have two meanings lately. If she didn't know better she would have sworn Faith was flirting but she knew that with Faith everything came down to sex eventually. The girl was a walking talking erogenous zone.
"Okay, catch you tomorrow," Faith said, closing the call down on a light note.
"Cool. Thanks for checking in," Cordy said, really meaning it.
"My pleasure," Faith responded a little more sincerely than she had intended before she replaced the receiver.
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Willow was in her 'calm' place. Tara had taught her how to find it and for that she had never been more grateful. Last night had come into such sharp focus that she had almost had a way big freak-out heart attack. Images had crowded into her head showing her who had been who, who had done what to whom and how. She'd never been really big with the viewing porn and the pictures in her head really had done nothing to change that. 'How and when did it all go so wrong?' she asked herself.
Calling on her peaceful place she slowly revisited yesterday morning's conversation with Buffy. It had all seemed so logical, so safe. They had planned, talked about ... well almost everything. She had even come back to read the list from Kira. Okay she'd been a bit quiet but that hadn't really worried Will. They had discussed getting the 'wiggins' over sleeping with each other and had even talked about the body switch aspect of it, if only briefly. Willow had hoped for a night full of legendary and beautiful memories that she could run to in her darkest moments of unrequited love. But now instead of the sweet memories that had visited her this morning, all she had was a very wrong mix of who had done what to whom. She remembered the wonderful taste of Buffy, something like strawberries but it hadn't been Buffy she tasted it had been ... herself! She remembered so much, so many touches, licks, kisses but they had all been wrong ... so very wrong. 'I'm bad — so very bad. I don't even think there's a bad that's bad enough to cover this.'
She felt her pulse beginning to race again. She reached for the core of her being, feeling like she was drowning. Holding on firmly to who she was, she was able to pull herself together. 'We were both very stupid to think that just turning out the lights would make it less weird and freaky ... would make everything alright.' She had seen in Buffy's eyes confirmation that these very same thoughts and realizations had hit her too. That sort of explained her sudden coldness this morning. Only she seemed to be handling it so much better. 'I'm such a spaz. It's not that big a deal. So deal with it. If Buffy can do it so can I' she mentally yelled at herself suddenly feeling like a motivational speaker. She hadn't thought of herself as naive and unworldly since leaving high school but it all came rushing back at the realization that having touched and tasted .. well ... herself ... was freaking her out the most.
Buffy had obviously anticipated the weirdness far more than she. But it suddenly occurred to her that maybe touching yourself wasn't as wrong or as a rare a thing as she believed. 'Maybe Buffy's already ... you know ... and that's not what actual wigged her. What if it was the whole sleeping with a woman 'wiggins' ... that was why she looked like so upset.'
She really wished she could just forget last night, wipe it from both of their minds.
Thanks to Lilly a beta treasure