And You Know It's No Fun
by DawnBTVS
Chapter 10
[reviews]
I'm seated down in the town playground, back pressed against the cold metal of one of the rings on the spinning top thing. I have both arms wrapped around my knees, just rocking back and forth. I stole her innocence. I abandoned her and...took it without permission. Without even asking her if it was okay.
"You whisper assurances," Willow says in my ear. I lift a head, startled at her voice, but it's just vacant, black emptiness that meets me. I'm a thief. I took the one good thing that filled my girlfriend. I saved her and I repaid her by...ruining her. By tearing down the image she had projected for me. I'm the Slayer. Slayer. I...fight vampires and steal innocence and abandon mothers. Mom.
"Mommy," I whisper to myself, grinding my skull against the metal railing, trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. Mom can help, right? She supported me. She knows what's best for me. I slowly rise from the wheel and step softly onto the grass, hearing the crunch of twigs beneath my feet. I shove both hands into my pockets, head lowered. Mom can make everything fine again. The abuse...I deserve it. I continue walking, eyes low, knocking into a few people but not giving them a second thought. I lift my head as I realize just how quickly I'm home. I guess I ran but I wasn't aware of it. I stride up the stone path and stand on the porch. I wonder if Mom's awake. I lift my hand and rap my knuckles on the door. I lower my hand, just waiting.
~~~BTVS~~~
The lights remain out at home. I just stand there, waiting, I guess hoping that Mom will make everything better. I sigh and turn around, deciding that maybe patrolling will help get my mind off Willow. I run to Diamond Cemetery not even bothering to be quiet about attracting attention to myself. I pull my stake out of my back jeans and hold it tight. I stalk forward, quiet, wishing that a vampire would show up. After several minutes, I finally straighten up in disgust. I pause in my walking when I hear the crunch of leaves behind me. I whirl towards the sound, stake raised at face level and I freeze. She's wearing blue jeans and the familiar gray Sunnydale High sweatshirt. Her green eyes look at me with worry and concern. I turn my head away, pushing my stake back inside my jeans. I cross both arms over my chest.
"Go away. I've already hurt you enough," I mutter, not wanting to see Willow at the moment. She steps forward as I lift my eyes to her, wondering why she's so adamant about having this conversation with me.
"I won't just leave you, Buffy. Look...I came here because I still love you," Willow states, daring to even take a step forward with her last proclamation. Love. Love isn't suffering, is it? I watch Willow quietly. We're both still for a few minutes, just basking in the silence. Finally, I decide to break it.
"You can't love me! I won't let you, not after what I've done," I scream at her. It's a forceful scream too cause she winces, shrinking away. I cover my ears with both hands to drown out the screaming going on my skull. Her screaming. The screaming of that afternoon starts to dissipate to a dull throbbing as I lower my hands. I'm crouched and staring up at her now.
"You didn't do anything, Buffy," Willow pleads with me. She has the audacity to crouch so we're eye level. We're not the same! She's...better and I'm a thief. Stop trying to fit me, Willow. Please. It just hurts.
"I tore you out. I reached in, to the second knuckle, and stole you from the world," I whisper, staying crouched, but managing to back up a couple steps away from her. She looks at me with such tender sadness. She shakes her head.
"Buffy! I'm fine. You haven't hurt me at all and you never will hurt me," Willow splutters, clearly trying anything to get me to suddenly relax in her embrace and forget the torment I inflicted. Can't happen. Won't let it.
"I ruined the plans. The garden was supposed to be the 4th year anniversary. A-and the trip to France would've come for the 1st year anniversary. I wanted to celebrate our 1-month anniversary with Giles and even planned on Faith coming. Plans. All...drawn over, erased, and replaced with stenciled lettering. Washed in your blood and your...tears," I mumble, now rising to my feet. The air is getting blurry. There are multiple Willows now, all standing up, taking a couple steps towards me, a hand out like I've gone insane or something.
"What?" Willow asks me. I just giggle at her, staying in place as she continues forward. The seven of her are all coming towards me. I can feel my hands covering my ears again but it's just dead silence floating in my skull.
"Your blood was like a stream. Your skin all white and...you haunt me, now. I re-enact it for you. You dream and I kiss, laugh, and steal it again as if to deny you permission of ever getting it back. I dream too. Mommy visits me and you help. She'll kick me while you take pictures, smiling the whole while. Lately, you've started kissing me but you don't steal it. I let you take it. You ask. I never ask. Want. Take. Have. Mom wasn't home," I whisper to myself. Disbelief almost. Mom was supposed to make everything all better and help me. She was supposed to...fix it. Suddenly my focus clears. Willow extends her hand, touching my face. It's soft, a gentle caress.
"Uhmph," she grunts, a surprised sound. I stare at my hand in surprise. I flex my hand, watching the fingers extend themselves out, then curl back in. I glance down at Willow. She's in shock. She has a hand on her lip. It's cut, bleeding, and a tiny stream down her chin, moving down her neck. I watch that stream. She rises to her feet. I just look at her, vacant. She stalks up to me. She's...hurt. "I'll never stop loving you. Push me away all you want, I'm always coming back," Willow growls at me. She turns and walks off. I lower my eyes to my hand, then travel up my entire arm until I reach my shoulder. Was it instinct? She...touched. Mom will help. I stumble away, hoping Mommy's returned from wherever she went.
~~~BTVS~~~
She hit me, pretty hard too. It was a nice solid right hand but...Buffy would never hit me like that. We...love each other. I was her savior. What happened? I never should've said anything. Being honest is such a...it never works out. Oh God. I haunt her now? I lift my head as Giles takes a seat next to me on the couch. I glance at him.
"Giles, we have to find out what's wrong with Buffy. We still haven't located this Drusilla person and Buffy...she hit me, Giles. Buffy would never hit me," I whisper, feeling like a bucket of cold water just hit me flush in the back. Giles sighs.
"Willow, we just have to wait it out," Giles tells me. I shake my head, rising to my feet as I turn to him.
"What? Gee, wait for her to go more insane? Giles, she'll kill herself in a couple days if she continues tormenting herself and racking herself with the guilt. You didn't see her. She's going nuts and it's just eating at her. Isn't there some spell you can do?" I snap at Giles. He shrugs his shoulders as I let out a low growl.
"Willow, spells are dangerous," Giles stammers. I sneer at him now.
"I'm calling Fred and Tara. See if they know of any spells that can help," I mutter. Giles sighs, leaning back against the couch. I walk over to the phone but pause. "She went to visit her mother," I exclaim to Giles. He looks up at me, quite a bit startled at the news.
"Wh-what? But Lilly and Phillip just took Joyce away," Giles stammers. I nod my head as I lift the cradle to my ear and start dialing the number.
"Buffy doesn't know that. If she figures it out..." I trail off as Fred's voice rings in my ear.