And You Know It's No Fun
by DawnBTVS
Chapter 9
[reviews]
I glance outside the window at the tree lot with a smile. It's been a week since I was released from the hospital. Rumors spread around school like rapid fire although nobody has said anything outright. Amber and Larry came to visit me, which was cool. Amber informed me of the fact that Xander and Cordelia had been suspended from school until next week. Buffy leans up next to me chin resting on my shoulder. It's been cloudy all day as the car pulls into a parking space. Mom turns around with a knowing look on her face. Buffy and I exchange small smiles, waiting for the lecture.
"Just try not to get too wild out there," Mom says. I quickly unbuckle myself, nearly getting shoved onto my face as I open the door by an eager Buffy Summers. I grip the door to maintain my balance as Buffy stumbles out of the car. I giggle at her as she turns, trying to maintain her coolness.
"I'd have to give that a 6 maybe," I say as I slam the car door shut. Buffy just holds her hand out as I gladly take it. We casually walk over the fallen pine needles, surveying every tree that we can spot. Buffy will occasionally point to one, usually earning a small shake from myself. I want this tree to be perfect. A physical representation of my return to life as a healthy, vibrant... terrified girl. I sigh to myself as Buffy pauses, eyeing me.
"What?" Buffy asks me with concern. I just shrug, not sure what to tell her. I've resorted to bottling things up lately. I keep my true feelings and thoughts inside. They're mine. Buffy shouldn't have to deal with all the shit that I'm dealing with too. I glance around at the trees.
"Nothing. I just want to find the perfect tree," I answer, knowing I'm dancing around the personal nitty gritty here. Buffy smiles at my answer and quickly kisses me on the cheek. She turns to continue the search. I stand still, giving a sad smile to her back while knowing that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share the intimacy of myself with her. I stuff both hands into my pockets, suddenly aware that she had let go of my hand at some point. I frown and continue forward in an attempt to find where Buffy wandered off too.
~~~BTVS~~~
I'm busy gazing at a rather large pine tree. Willow's been quiet over the past few weeks. Sure she still shows me her cheery exterior as well as the strong sense of independence that I'm back to lacking but she's steeled herself internally as well. Even Giles has commented to me about how Willow seems less exuberant when it comes to discussing personal matters. I glance up and smile at Willow. She's wearing a white sweatshirt with a green scarf thrown around her neck for dramatic appearance purposes. She walks up to me, eyes taking in the tree with the lack of keen interest that I was expecting. Will's almost looking at it from afar. My smile falters at the new observation.
"It's missing something," Willow says, glancing at me. I look back at the tree. It's certainly big enough and it's not like any of the needles are falling off. I turn back to her but she's already walking away back to the assigned path. I sigh, turning to follow the redhead who no longer gives me a litany of reasons behind her reasoning. I catch up with her a few yards away. She's stopped and is just looking around, almost a sense of disinterest yet I can see in her eyes she's looking for something. Not just anything either but a something.
"See it yet?" I ask, trying to see if I can get an idea of what exactly it is she's looking for. Willow glances back at me, a little spark of surprise on her features, before she forces a smile at me.
"No," Willow answers. I wait a few seconds for a lengthier response but get nothing. I nod my head in quiet acceptance. I shove my hands into my pockets as well. Are we really searching for a tree now? Maybe it's my overactive imagination but Willow's starting to become more distant with each passing day. I decide it's best if we split up. Maybe it'll help her find what it is she needs so badly. I walk off to the left as Willow moves right, either oblivious to my not going with her or simply not caring enough to verbalize anything.
~~~BTVS~~~
I know I'm searching for something but I just wish I could find it already. I can tell Buffy's starting to get the feeling that I'm holding back from her and it's true but I'm not doing it to hurt her. I glance around the tree I'm not really looking at to Buffy. She's on the other side of the tree lot and is talking with another student from school. He's not somebody I recognize but she's smiling. He walks off as Buffy's eyes continue to wander. I can tell she knows I'm looking for something specific, even if I won't admit it to her. Her blonde hair is blowing hard in the breeze showing off how beautiful she can be without realizing it. I divert my eyes away when I see her head starting to swivel towards my area. I rotate my head suddenly, not even sure why. It's almost like a magnetic reaction. I spot a tree ten feet ahead. I'm moving without really being aware. I'm now standing in front of the tree just gazing at it. I feel a presence to my right and glance over. The girl has black hair down past her shoulders. She's wearing a black skintight shawl draped over her shoulders. She's also wearing black jeans and a black turtleneck. Her skin's so pale looking, like looking at the white marble in museums. She turns to me, brown eyes catching sight of me. She breaks out a wide grin, white teeth almost blinding. She turns her gaze back to the tree.
"Do you like this?" she asks me in a noticeable British accent. I glance at her, unsure of what to tell her, if anything. I don't exactly want to get into a big bidding war over a tree.
"A little," I admit, eyes lowering to the fallen needles littering the base of the ground. She lets out a soft giggle, eyeing my again. It's almost like she's taking delight in my discomfort.
"It suits you. Once strong, now wilted. The moon will make sure you're true," the girl whispers to me in a teasing manner. She smiles but her eyes convey the seriousness of what she's informing me. She turns her back and starts walking away with a purposeful stride. How did she know? What does she mean the moon will make me true? I glance up startled at Buffy's hand placing itself on my shoulder.
~~~BTVS~~~
"Who was that?" I ask, curiosity eating at me. I watched Willow and the other girl talk for a few moments. The other girl left as I was making my way over though. I glance up at the tree, then back at Willow who seems to be in the midst of contemplating stuff.
"I don't know. I think I found the right one though," Willow says, gesturing at the tree with a tilt of her head. I smile taking in the size. Definitely resembles Willow just going by appearance. Not that it has eyes or red hair but more that it's not overbearing but still has a sense of presence about it. I smile at Willow, getting a smile in return. It's a genuine smile too. I can't help myself as I kiss her hard on the lips, pleased to see a reaction that wasn't disguised this time.
"I'll stand guard, you find your mother so we can get it home," I say. Willow nods her head eagerly, dashing off.
~~~BTVS~~~
Buffy and I are snuggled up together on the couch, watching some Christmas themed movie but not really taking it in. Buffy pulls the blanket up higher as I shift a little to rest my head on her shoulder. I can feel Buffy's head shifting and I know she's glancing at the Christmas tree without having to look. I keep my focus on the television.
"What were your Christmas' like?" I ask, somewhat curious about what Buffy's life was like before us. She gives a soft sigh, shifting her head so she's nuzzling her cheek against the top of my head. She stays quiet for a few moments before starting to speak. My eyes are on the television but my focus is on my girl.
"They were good. You know, amidst the booze, yelling, and fists," Buffy mumbles against me. I press a hand against her arm, just rubbing it in a minor attempt at comfort.
"Well, this is the start of a new tradition," I say sternly.
"Tradition?" Buffy asks, clearly wanting to know further details. I lift my head off her shoulder and stare at her. I nod my head.
"Totally. No more badness for you, Ms. Summers. No way, well, ignoring the past month or so. A-anyway, we have ourselves a Christmas tree and non-spiked eggnog. No fire because we don't get any snow here..." I say, trailing off in my mental ramble.
"Yup. A big check on those as well as a quiet girlfriend," Buffy states, eyeing me. Damnit. I glance away down at the crimson carpet Mom put in a couple days ago. It doesn't match the tan walls at all but Mom was never much of a decorator. I bring my eyes back up, gripping Buffy's hand with mine.
"I don't want to burden you," I whisper, really not wanting to get into a discussion right now. Buffy gives me a concerned look.
"If you're suffering, Will, I want to suffer too. I know you still have the nightmares. How are the shakes?" Buffy asks. I take my hand out of hers, placing both of them on my lap. I stare down at my hands, not wanting to gaze into her pleading eyes.
"They're subsiding. I didn't have an attack today, which was nice. What's snow like?" I ask, trying to get the talk way off topic to a different stratosphere.
"Will," Buffy says, knowing what I'm trying to do. I lift my eyes up to hers, trying for my best innocent expression.
"I'm being serious," I reply. Buffy just gives me a hard look. I sigh in defeat. "They'll return next week," I comment, playing with the cuff of my shirtsleeve. Buffy nods her head.
"Yeah. I'll pr...be by your side this time. The only way we're splitting up is if they physically drag me away," Buffy growls softly.
"It's not your fault, Buffy. I'm a firm believer in fate and it was supposed to happen. Things happen for reasons we can't understand until we look back on it. When I dream or have my nightmares I see Xander and Cordelia. That's not the problem," I start. Buffy remains quiet, just hearing me out. I look out the window at the night sky, and the full moon shining down at us. "Then you appear. A lovely smile and eyes sparkling as you kiss me on my forehead. You whisper assurances but you are always the one who steals it away," I murmur. I glance at Buffy. She's quiet and a little shocked. I lower my eyes to her hands. They're shaking.
"I-I take away your innocence?" Buffy asks, a nervous laugh bubbling up her throat. I don't answer. "Do you trust me?" Buffy asks. I glance at her in surprise. How could she think I didn't trust her?
"Of course," I answer. Buffy gives a thin smile at my answer. "Buffy?" I ask as she rises from the couch. She stares at me like I've become a different person.
"I take away..." Buffy says. She stops, swallowing. "Innocence gone at my hand," Buffy mumbles. I quickly rise to my feet, unsure of how to reach her now. She cocks her head to the side as she looks at me. "It is my fault. Subconsciously you do blame me," Buffy whispers. I reach a hand out but she steps backwards. She walks over to the front door and opens it, stepping out into the night. I dash to the door.
"Wait!" I shout after her. She turns her head back at me, a mask of pain, and shock still on her face. She begins to run now. I know I can't catch up with her. No way Willow Rosenberg can catch up with the Slayer. I turn around, feeling numb. I walk back into the living room, faintly aware of the television. I grab the phone, quickly dialing a number. "Giles..." I whisper, not even positive he's picked up the phone yet.