Carcass *Chapter 11 up on 3/01*
by DawnBTVS
Conviction
I'm seated in the passenger seat as Giles drives. The radio's on but it's at low volume, the sound muffled in my ears. I glance up at the rearview mirror, taking in the wreck that she is. Angel spoke with us about Willow's pleas that we don't stake her. I listened quietly and didn't say a word throughout. I remember seeing Willow defeated and for some reason it hurt me. I keep telling myself it's not her. It's not my Willow lying in the backseat, back to us, still suffering at Tara's refusal. She's a demon, a vampire...a damn mask. Yet she's her though. She has the same startling green eyes that can seem to pierce into you, the smile that can light up a room when she's excited, and the slender figure that I've always secretly admired. Willow didn't say a word when walking down the steps. She looked like somebody had staked her and in a way, I guess Tara had. Angel also told me that Willow would have to feed soon. A couple more days without...it and she'd likely start to inflict serious bodily harm upon herself. Internally at least although I'm sure the mental suffering would be up there as well.
Everything inside me is screaming to stake her. Screaming at me that Willow wouldn't want to live this way but Willow always had compassion. She went so far as to stick with me when I thought I had murdered Ted, to deny the death of her doppelganger self in order to let the thing return to its world, and to forgive me when I almost let that demon murder her and my family. She gives a soft groan of pain and I glance back at her form. She's been like that since stumbling out of Wolfram and Hart. Angel was apologetic while Spike was his bravado self.
We pull up to the house about a half hour later. Giles gets out and promptly walks into the house. He's taken this hard. He's always prided himself on protecting us like we were his children. With her, he failed. I exit the car, closing the door gently. I let out a sigh as I open the back door to where Willow is. Her head doesn't move at all. I crouch down, standing on the toes of my feet in case something happens.
"Will?" I ask softly, trying to get any registration that she's aware of other people in the world. "Come on," I insist. Willow stirs a little at my command. She manages to scoot herself into a half sitting, half leaning position against the backrest. I slowly rise to my feet, just waiting on her. She finally manages to exit the vehicle, a hand pressing against the ground to keep herself from falling. She staggers past me, nearly tripping a couple times as she enters the house. I close the door and follow.
~~~BTVS~~~
I'm pacing in front of Giles who's seated at the kitchen island. Willow retired to my room, not exactly making me disappointed. I'm just glad Dawn's not home tonight. Giles is busy rubbing his glasses, trying to take his mind off of what's going on upstairs I guess. I stop, just staring at him. His focus remains on his glasses though.
"I don't know what to do, Giles," I state. He glances up at me and put his glasses on.
"We're in a bit of a tough predicament, Buffy. Remember that she's only a vampire. Forget whatever you remember of Willow," Giles remarks. I turn my head away. I just stare at the door for a few moments.
"It wears her face," I answer. I turn my eyes back to Giles, just resting my head in my hands.
"She doesn't know right from wrong, Buffy. She must be staked," Giles states with quiet ferocity. I stare at him in surprise and maybe a bit of horror too.
"No! I'm sorry...isn't there another alternative?" I ask, not really caring at staking her. It'd hurt me as much as seeing Willow as a vampire. It would just be reinforcement that I killed Willow.
"You're the Slayer, Buffy. When difficulties arise, you must abandon emotions," Giles remarks, staring hard at me. I shake my head at him. Unwilling to go that route despite everything telling me it's true.
"Abandon emotions? Like you did when Jenny was harmed?" I growl at him. I don't understand why I'm getting so defensive about killing her. She's a fucking vampire after all. A vampire who is wearing my best friend's face. Giles flinches a little at my remark but refuses to let his emotions enter. I lower my eyes in apology, knowing I went over the line with that comment.
"I won't dignify that display of ignorance with an answer. Why are you so adamant that she not die?" Giles asks. I shake my head and stand up, backing myself against the counter next to the sink.
"That's just it, Giles. I know she's a vampire, okay? I know that the Willow I love is dead but staking this incarnation would be admitting that I killed her," I reply, softly. I close my eyes to hold in the tears from falling. Giles stays quiet for a couple minutes.
"I'm sorry that this is hard on you, Buffy. The sooner you face facts, the easier it will be," Giles says, clearly still trying to push me towards staking her. I just stare at him, shaking my head.
"It'll never be easy, Giles. Could you have staked Jenny?" I ask, not caring that I'm itching the sore spot again. Giles gives me a slight glare this time. I'm sure he doesn't appreciate my doing this to him.
"That's a different matter," Giles answers. I press further, knowing I could be opening a hole in our relationship by doing this.
"You couldn't," I answer for him. He glares harder now. I can see his hands tensing at his sides. I remain leaning against the counter.
"Leave Jenny out of this. She was never turned," Giles snaps at me. He's growing angry this time. For some stupid reason, I continue to press. I don't know why really.
"No. She was lucky," I respond with a small smile. Giles rises out of the chair at that. He stabs a finger at me now.
"Shut up, Buffy. Don't talk about things you know nothing about," Giles roars. He physically roars at me in an unbridled rage I've never seen before from him. I remain positioned, but poise myself to defend myself in case I send Giles over the edge.
"You're right. I know nothing about death," I snarl at him. He grows pale at that remark. I ignore him, turning towards the hallway. I march down it but pause by the base of the stairs when I hear his voice.
"Yes, Buffy. I would have," Giles calls to me. He bends, hands placed on the island. I don't reply. I just walk up the stairs, pausing outside my bedroom before opening the door, and stepping in.
She's sitting on the edge of my bed, huddled over in obvious pain. I cautiously step forward, closing the door behind me. The click causes a subtle flinch in Willow's position. She doesn't acknowledge my presence in the room as I move closer. I sit down next to here, eyes taking in the stake by my bed just in case. She's quiet. I strain to hear her breathing before mentally chiding myself that she doesn't breath. Nor will her heart ever beat again.
"I know you don't trust me, Buffy. I know that you think I'm just a vampire. A soulless killer with no remorse or compassion and it's true. I don't have any remorse when it comes to feeding and I relish it. It's false about the compassion though. I do feel compassion. Otherwise I wouldn't be hurting this much, right?" Willow asks in a whisper.
"I guess," I answer, not exactly sure how to console her. Her head remains hanging down, arms cradling her stomach like trying to keep warm a newborn trapped inside.
"Do vampires feel, Buffy? When you were turned...you know, when we were reliving our nightmares, did you feel?" Willow asks me. I'm surprised at her memory. The boy's name was Billy. I remember being a vampire though I had pushed it to the recesses of my mind. I nod my head slowly.
"I could feel anger. I can remember that much," I reply. Willow doesn't make any acknowledgement.
"I need to feed, Buffy. If I do though, you'll kill me," she murmurs. I can feel a twisting in my own stomach. I'm supposed to abhor these creatures. I'm supposed to kill them without a second thought. That almost makes me chuckle. I've fallen in love with two vampires in my short life.
"I won't," I whisper. Willow lifts her head at my announcement. She turns her head towards me. I just stare back at her. Her green eyes stand out beside her chalk white skin. Her red lips also stand out, possibly even more so than her eyes. Her hair's a slight shade lighter than her lips but they only make her eyes stand out even more in contrast.
"I'm appreciative of this opportunity, don't get me wrong but...why?" Willow asks me. I just shrug my shoulders, not sure why I'm reasoning with her. I'm starting to think there's an ulterior motive in my subconscious trying to tell me something here. Just wish I knew what it was though.
"Faint hope that you'll be somewhat constrained I guess," I acknowledge. Willow nods her head, returning her gaze to the hands that are now resting in her lap.
"I'll try to hold back. I can't guarantee anything tonight though," Willow states and I nod my head in acceptance. I'm surprised I'm even being this accommodating. It's not like me to be this way about vampires and the people I protect. Willow seems to sense my conflicting thoughts. "Confused?" she asks with the barest peek of a smile playing on her lips.
"A little. I'm not used to...being insensitive to potential victims," I admit. Willow sneaks her hand over the bedspread, taking my right hand on her left. I let out a tiny gasp at how cold her touch is.
"You'll protect them anyway, Buffy. It's your job. You're the Slayer. You just can't save everyone," Willow remarks. The knowledge churns my stomach some more. I wince, eyes staring down at our entwined hands. "Sorry," Willow apologizes.
"Giles isn't happy," I inform Willow. Willow gives a soft chuckle. I look up at her, a bit surprised. She stares at me, a little confused.
"I'm a vampire, Buffy. As...depressing as tonight has been, I heard the conversation. Thanks for sticking up for me," Willow mumbles. I give a nonchalant shrug, not really up to saying anything. "You should patrol soon," Willow whispers. I glance at her, knitting my brows together in confusion.
"Why? It's not that late out," I reply with a slight smile but Willow's looking dejected all over again. "What?" I ask, feeling a slight twinge of concern. Oh, God. Do I have to have feelings towards every vampire I run into? It's clear that there's something for Willow. Otherwise she'd be dead.
"I haven't fed in a long while, Buffy. Your heartbeat and pulse are intoxicating," Willow whimpers. I can feel her hand begin to loosen its grip on mine, but clench hers tighter. I can feel everything starting to increase at Willow's revelation.
"What's it sound like?" I ask, somewhat curious as to how intoxicating I come off as. Willow closes her eyes, almost swaying to a hidden melody now.
"Beethoven, maybe. It's an ethereal, euphoric sound," Willow answers. I can feel myself growing hotter and I'm torn between fleeing the room and waiting to see how far this goes. I know this next step will push the boundaries of our relationship past any friendship. What I'm about to do is pure insanity.
"I trust you, Willow," I whisper. She opens her eyes in a bit of surprise, not sure where I'm going.
"Buffy?" she asks, seeming to get what I'm about to do.
"Please," I whisper to Willow. I push my leather jacket off with a slight shimmy, letting it fall on the bedspread. My left arm's still encased though. Her eyes widen just a little. I stare at her, intently focused. I lift my left hand to the right side of my white top, closing my eyes, and ripping the material enough to expose my neck. I open my eyes again.
"Buffy," Willow pleads, both excited, and fearing what she's about to do. I just gaze into her eyes, almost a primal lust firing through my body. I'm reminded of when Dracula bit me. The intimacy...couldn't be matched. I tilt my head, exposing my neck to Willow. I close my eyes, almost a way to avoid seeing Willow in game face I guess.
"God," I shudder through chattering teeth as a finger traces along my neck. I can feel Willow's body shift on the bed, moving ever so closer to mine. My hand is still gripping hers tightly. She brings her face centimeters away from my neck. She nuzzles me, earning a content sigh from my lips. I shiver again when I feel her lips pressing softly against the pulsating vein. It's an electrifying feeling. I can feel the energy building inside me. A rush doesn't do it justice. No penetrating of the skin though.
"What the fuck, B?" asks a shocked voice as the door flies open. My eyes snap open in surprise and embarrassment.