Carcass *Chapter 11 up on 3/01*
by DawnBTVS
Sojourn
During the night I had decided that lying on my back was a futile way of trying to pretend I was still human. I made that decision around 5:00 in the morning. Even as a vampire, stealth isn't my biggest skill yet. I opened the door but forgot my new strength and just barely avoided sending the doorknob crashing into the plaster of Buffy's bedroom wall. I made sure that the door was shut extra quietly after that. I padded down the stairs, trying to figure out something to keep myself occupied.
I was already feeling a bit groggy as I sit down at the kitchen island. I glance around, wondering if Buffy had any spare blood. Given her tryst with Spike, maybe she started keeping some around when he would drop by. I open the fridge but can't find anything that resembles the infamous blood packets that Angel and Spike live off of.
Dawn's approaching now, the tingling up my spine pretty much assures me of that notion. The morning Dawn that is, not the younger Summers teenager. I spent the night just watching Buffy sleep and I was surprised at how serene the atmosphere was. I felt a bit of calm inside myself although that's been washed away by the fact that I need to feed. Missing dinner last night was a really bad decision. I'm doubled over at the island right now, arms draped across my stomach in an attempt to just internally force the pain to disappear. I stare out the backdoor of the kitchen, spotting a black cat prowling in the grass. I ease myself off the chair, stumbling through the door. The cat arches its' back, hissing at me. It takes a swipe as I grab it by the neck, instantly sinking my fangs in. I drink it swiftly, tossing the dead body into the neighbor's yard. I wipe my mouth clean with the back of the cuff of my right hand. No need to have Dawn or Buffy coming across the dead animal. I turn and step back into the kitchen, suddenly wishing I could see my reflection to make sure I got rid of the blood. It didn't satiate me but it was enough to turn the pain from gut wrenching to a mild stomachache.
I can hear Buffy waking up. I'm continually wiping away at my mouth, trying to decide if I've finally managed to get rid of the evidence that I'm almost dying of hunger here. Not to mention I'm feeling like I took a bottle of sleeping pills. I rest my forehead on top of my interlocked hands, just barely holding in the moan of pain that this torture is bringing to me. I can hear Buffy walking down the steps. Buffy has a noticeable sound when it comes to her walking. They're audible thumps that notify you that a strong woman is coming your way. Dawn's feet tend to give off a soft, light sound. Of course, she's usually running around in her haste to complete whatever her immediate goal is in the shortest time possible. I lift my head up.
"Morning," Buffy greets me, walking into the kitchen with a rather alert ease. I never remembered her being so alert in the morning, but than I was usually still sleeping until Buffy forcefully waked me if I were sleeping over. I may have been the optimum student but I still liked sleeping late, just like most other kids my age. Later on, I became an early riser but I don't mind sleeping late when I can.
"Nice shirt," I comment, reflecting the fact that Buffy chose to wear a rather skintight pale blue top over a pair of black jeans. She turns to me, a smile on her lips. Her hands remain under the water from the tap.
"Yeah. With laundry needing to be done, it was a last resort option though. I can see you haven't changed though," Buffy asks, eyes puzzling in a frown. Buffy pushes the tap down, signaling the end of the cleansing. She wipes her hands off on a white hand towel hanging by the sink. I nod my head in confirmation.
"I just didn't want to wake you, although that doesn't seem like a problem," I reply.
"Well, I've always been an early riser. Speaking of, you're up early. You okay?"
"Didn't get much, if any sleep, that's all," I say back. I spent most of the night still coming to grips with the fact that I was a vampire. My world was shattered and had been put back together with string. Coupled with the fact that my best friend had staked my Sire and I was completely in my own zone. I had nobody to turn to help me figure out what I was going through and how to even function as a vampire. I could sort of handle the usual sunlight, no stakes, and crosses deal but I knew that I needed more. I'm sure I could live off blood packets but the idea was far from appealing and honestly...I relished making the kill. It was a sense of power that Buffy probably knows all too well. That knowledge that you're stalking your prey and they don't even have the faintest idea that they're about to die can be really overwhelming and I don't want to get rid of it.
I glance at the clock now. The green flashes 5:42 now. I stare at it, wondering where the time flew by. Buffy frowns back at my answer. I just give her a weak smile, further concerning her of course. "You want to sleep during the day?" Buffy asks. She looks almost apologetic, like she's to blame that I didn't get any sleep. It really wasn't her fault entirely although she didn't help my cause when she staked...the other me. That's going to create some fun when I have to inform her who my Sire is. Hmm...I could make it fun though. Say Spike was my Sire.
I shrug my shoulders in response. I crave the sleep but I'm worried about turning into a pile of dust when I close my eyes. I can feel my skin tingling and I know that if I don't do something, the sun will be baking me in about ten minutes. "I'm okay," I answer although it doesn't seem to convince Buffy much. She gives me a skeptical look, crossing her arms at her chest. I give her a smile to try and show the confidence in my answer but she isn't that swayed.
"You look like the walking dead, Will," she remarks. I jerk backwards enough to cause the chair to topple to the ground. My back smacks against the backrest hard as I let out a soft grunt of discomfort. Not pain necessarily but more annoyed discomfort. I'm quickly up on my feet before Buffy can reach me though. Her eyes are wide but her concern is evident enough. "Willow?" she asks, eyeing me, then bringing her eyes to the chair, and back again to my face.
"I'm alright. Maybe a lengthy nap would help though," I mumble, slightly creeped out around Buffy now. I know she didn't mean her comment in the absolute, literal sense but it obviously affected me more than I'd like to admit. I can't be around her and keep exposing myself in these minor situations until she finally gets the stained glass image that I've been turned into a vampire. I know the morning sleeping lie won't work so I figure I'll at least use the mileage of it for today.
Buffy looks at me, confused, and concerned about my well being I'm sure. She begins to move towards me but I just give her a dismissive wave of my hand to keep her at bay for now. I rub my right shoulder with my left hand, massaging the faint stinging sensation to make it disappear for good. I glance up at Buffy, slightly scared that the realization will hit her full force at any moment now.
"Okay."
"Thanks," I whisper, now staring at the fallen chair. I crouch down, picking it up, and repositioning it in its original state. Buffy just watches me as I edge by her. I don't wait for her to stall me though. I quickly move down the hallway and then dash up the stairs as fast as my legs can take me, which is about three steps at a time. Hope that doesn't tip Buffy off much. I stare down at my legs when I'm outside the bedroom door. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have such improved speed as a vampire.
I lock the door and turn around, swiftly moving to close the blinds around the windows. I look at the makeshift bed that Buffy made me. I can hear Dawn dashing down the stairs now, clearly woken up by my toppling incident in the kitchen. I bring my nails to my lips, just pressing them against my lips but not daring to bite them lest I somehow cut myself with my fangs. I'm not sure if I can have fangs while in human guise but I don't really want to test myself as a guinea pig. I throw open the bedroom door and march into the bathroom, grabbing a handful of plush red towels. I enter the bedroom and begin hanging them up over the windows with tacks. I'm sure Buffy will find it odd but I can come up with a few plausible explanations, even if they aren't foolproof. I step back, admiring my quick handiwork. I glance back at the makeshift bed, unsure if I should sleep there or use Buffy's bed. I can smell Buffy all over the king size bed. I'm sure Buffy won't complain. We were best friends after all. I quickly shed my clothes and climb into her bed in just a bra and panties, pressing my face against her pillow. I inhale her aroma, taking in the mixture of strawberry and cinnamon. It doesn't work that great together but I can isolate them well enough to enjoy. I pause before settling in. I left my suitcase downstairs, where all my clothes are. I let out a groan of frustration but the need to sleep is too overpowering to resist. I close my eyes, hoping Buffy doesn't find an ash pile in her bed.
~~~BTVS~~~
I open my eyes upon hearing footsteps outside the door. Once awake, I can hear Giles downstairs talking to Dawn. They're discussing tonight's excursion with Dawn trying to come with us. Giles doesn't seem like he's used to winning this argument. Buffy usually trumped him. I throw the covers off and stand up, turning, and fixing the covers in their original state. I guess it's my way of trying to hide that I slept there. It's becoming a habit of mine lately, to try and hide things that I've done. I turn around at the sound of the door opening.
"Wi-" Buffy starts but stops, jaw dropping. I cover my panties with both hands to try and show some embarrassment but I don't feel that embarrassed. In a way, I almost relish the attention that Buffy's giving my almost naked state.
"Hi," I answer. Buffy's mouth is opening and closing like a fish. I sidle past the bed, eyeing the closet. "Can I borrow some of your clothes? I forgot that my suitcase was downstairs and don't think this would be appropriate," I comment, gesturing at my current getup. Buffy just nods her head, gives a tiny squeak, and closes the bedroom door. It sounds like Buffy took the steps in a single leap. Guess I kind of scared her a bit. I pick out a pair of loose fitting black jeans and a black top to hide my cotton white bra underneath. It's a blank black top but I think it'll do. I exit the bedroom and quickly head down the steps.
As I'm making my way towards the living room, I see the front door closing. I walk into the living room, eyes still on the front door. I turn my attention towards Buffy and Giles who are both seated next to each other on a couch. Buffy gives me a small smile while Giles is sipping from a cup of tea.
"Dawn's going to a friend's house. Have a good rest?" Giles asks, a slightly pleased smile on his face. It's probably because he managed to get rid of Dawn without losing too much of his British pride. I wonder if Buffy helped at all. I nod my head, glancing at Buffy, who averts her gaze to the floor.
"Are we ready to go?" I ask, just wanting to get our journey over with. Giles and Buffy both nod their heads in answer to my question. The flipping of my stomach is starting to act up like earlier today but I ignore it as best I can.
~~~BTVS~~~
Wow. That's the first thought when I spot Wolfram and Hart. The building itself is pretty huge as Buffy leads us towards what appears to be an elevator shaft facing the park. Giles and Buffy step in first. I look at them skeptically before finally stepping in. The ride is relatively quiet. The ping sounds like a gunshot in my head and I glare at the illuminated number above our heads. I feel Buffy and Giles exiting behind me and turn around, slightly confused. I glance back at the closed doors before stepping out onto a wooden floor. The doors close behind us with a quiet thump. Movement at the top of the steel staircase catches my eye. It's Angel. God, he's overwhelming my senses right now. I don't know if it's because he's so old but I can feel my knees buckling. Good thing I'm standing behind Giles and Buffy though. It just occurs to me that Angel's the only person we've seen in Wolfram and Hart and technically he's a demon and not a person. He pauses as he approaches us and I can see his eyes flicker to me in a knowing manner. I mouth 'no' to him as he glances back to Buffy, silently acknowledging my condition, and request.
"Hi," Angel says by way of greeting. We all give him the usual answers back. I'm feeling a sense of anxiety and the need to see Tara is starting to become overwhelming now. Or it could just be my hunger. I hear the patter of familiar footsteps and have to restrain myself from leaping in front of Buffy. Spike was supposedly a champion but he still tried to rape Buffy. That's hit me harder than I would admit to Kennedy...or Buffy even. I can see Buffy freeze though.
"Bloody hell..." Giles mutters, not quite at a loss for words. He said more words than Buffy and I have. Angel looks back at Spike with a glare as Spike saunters forward with a smirk. He pauses as he catches sight of me. His smirk slowly transitions into a look of confusion. Buffy glances back at me like I knew he was alive. I didn't know he was! I cross my arms in a bit of a defensive posture as Buffy looks back to Spike.
"You're alive? Well...not in a fiery pile of ashes?" Buffy asks in disbelief before Spike can comment on my immortal condition. He looks at Buffy in a bit of surprise before looking almost ashamed. I cock my head at his physical reaction, wondering what could possibly move him to shame.
"Didn't Andrew inform you when the poofter and I went looking for you?" Spike asks in return. Buffy frowns as I step up next to Buffy, not happy at how this conversation could turn.
"He told me Angel and a friend were looking for me but never said you by name. What happened?" Buffy asks. I regard Spike with a cool gaze, growing displeased at the thought of him getting Buffy again in a sexual manner. I know I never felt this strongly about Buffy before but now...I'm becoming rather protective of the Slayer.
"Came back courtesy of Lindsey, a dear enemy of Angel's. Got a corporal body shortly after a while of fun high jinks. After that, I spent time helping Angel save the world... or at least time spent saving our asses," Spike answers. Buffy nods her head, clearly still in a state of surprise that Spike is not dead like he should be. I stepped forward, glaring at Spike.
"Where's Tara?" I growl at him. Spike smirks back as Angel pushes Spike away before he can set me off. I glance at Angel but don't remove the scowl from my face.
"She's fine, Willow. Gunn should be here shortly with her," Angel responds. I back up a couple steps but link my arm around Buffy's pulling her with me. She glances at me, slightly confused by my gesture. Spike arches an eyebrow while Angel remains silent, albeit a slight frown at my action.
"Shouldn't there be employees erm...milling about or something of the sort?" Giles asks, quite uncomfortable with the current situation. He never really liked Spike although the two had a mutual respect for one another. He steps up next to Buffy and I. Spike remains behind Angel but seems to have his general swagger back.
"We gave everybody the day off to let this be a personal visit. I didn't want others around when Buffy...and more importantly, Willow, would be around, as precaution," Angel says with a small shrug of his shoulders as if to apologize to us.
"Of course. Wouldn't want me flaying them all, huh?" I ask back at him. Angel looks stunned and even Spike's a little surprised. Buffy glances at me, a little taken aback at my snarky comment. I just give her a brief smile. "Just want to see her," I whisper into Buffy's ear. She gives my arm a squeeze and nods in understanding.
"She'll be here soon," Buffy whispers back. I look over Spike's shoulder at the stairs, trying to get an early glimpse of Tara when she arrives.
"Didn't mean that in a negative way, Willow," Angel answers. I just nod my head, not really caring about any of them at the moment.
"Sorry. I'm just feeling anxious to see her and I'm dealing with other things," I reply.
"I'll say," Spike remarks with a spark in his eye. I glare at him as Buffy is now watching me. I can tell out of the corner of my eye.
"Bite me, Spike," I snipe back at him. He smirks, stepping up next to Angel. Angel's tensing and I wonder if he'd really knock Spike across the room if he went too far.
"You sure you don't want it the other way, love? Bet you're feeling hungry enough," Spike responds with a leer. I can feel Buffy's hand release my arm. I step up to Spike.
"Spike," Angel growls, trying to warn him to stop. Spike ignores him of course and I can't help but be goaded into the situation. I'm already in a bad mood because of the hunger pangs and I don't need Spike on my case either.
"I'll bet you'd love that. Of course we were yours once upon a time, right? Looks like somebody else beat you," I calmly remark. He lets out a low growl, now inches from my face as I glare back at him.
"Uh, Willow, somebody even, what's going on?" Buffy asks. She looks at Giles who also seems to be at a loss as to why Spike and I are suddenly sniping at each other.
"Are you that daft, Summers?" Spike asks with genuine curiosity. Buffy glares back at him, looking a bit defensive.
"All I can see is that Willow and you are having a match of barbs," Buffy answers in a cold tone. Angel steps forward trying to play middle guy.
"This isn't the time or place to discuss that matter. Besides, it should be for the relevant parties," Angel explains. Buffy looks at him confused then at me in concern.
"I'd like to announce we're bloody relevant, peaches. Hell, we could probably help Red out," Spike says, raising a hand behind Angel. I think Buffy's starting to get it. Giles seems to have gotten it when Angel spoke up about the "matter" because he's beginning to look pale.
"Giles?" I ask, watching him. He turns grief stricken eyes towards mine. He knows. I recoil slightly at his look. It's a look of a person haunted by the knowledge that a beloved just died and they never got to say goodbye.
"I'm so sorry, Willow," he whispers. Buffy's glancing between Giles and Angel, growing more frustrated that we aren't just coming out with it. I love the blonde but she can miss the things right in front of her. That was the case all the way back to high school even.
"Oh...God," Buffy croaks. I wince, looking down at the floor. Buffy's on her knees now, hands covering her stomach, probably to keep the bile down. She rises to her feet, still unsteady. "Bathroom?" she whispers, her voice hollow. Angel just points and Buffy dashes away. I glare at Spike, angry that he was the one who initiated all of this. Angel has also turned around, glowering at Spike. Spike looks back at us in a nonchalant manner.
"What? You should be thanking me you know. Sped up the process and all that. She'd probably stake you on site if you told her," Spike answers casually. He filters a cigarette out of a pack and pulls a lighter out of his pocket. I don't reply because it's true. Buffy would want to stake me as a memory of me as a human. Knowing how I wouldn't want to live this way, be evil, and all of the accompanying baggage. Now though, I'm me but I'm also a different person. I don't want to be staked and have my undead life ended so prematurely. I look at Angel, who stares back. I'm sure he can see the spark of fear in my eyes.
"Don't let her, Angel," I plead. "Or Giles," I amend, watching the Watcher out of the corner of my eye. I know he could do the job with less moral repercussions than Buffy because he knows that a vampire's a vampire and there's no changing it. Angel sighs, conflicted at my request.
"Willow, I'm not sure I can," he replies with a tone of sorrow. I grab his hands in mine, amazed at the fact that I can't register the coldness of his hands. Maybe vampires can't register the temperatures of each other because they are dead.
"I have too much to learn about what I am, Angel. That and...I only got turned recently. I can't die again," I beg. Spike has his back turned to us, clearly not caring about my sob story.
"I'll talk to them while you and Tara reconcile," Angel whispers in my ear. I nod my head, grateful that he'll do that much at least. I let go of his hands as I spot a familiar aroma in the air. And it's not Gunn. I can't help the smile on my face at seeing Tara. There's a blue skinned demony thing that almost reminds me of Fred but not...behind Gunn and Tara. Tara spots me, giving a shy smile. She pauses when she's next to Angel though, a small frown appearing. Okay...yes, but we can still talk, right? I think with a moment of panic coming over me.
"Hey," I say with a smile still in place. "Come on," I say, taking her hand in my cold one. She feels warm against my skin. I'm still smiling, relieved that she looks exactly like my memories. She's wearing a pair of blue jeans and a red top bearing the words "Wolfram and Hart" on the front just beneath her breasts. She's quiet. "Are you okay with...me not being, well, me?" I ask in concern. Tara glances at me as we start to move up the stairs. We reach the top landing and move inside Angel's office. I know it's his office because his name's on the front on one of those gold plates.
"You're a mask," Tara answers. More out of an observation than a personal attack but I still flinch. I let go of her hand and turn to face her.
"I may not be exactly who I was but I'm not gone either," I reply, wishing Tara could just see me. Trying to come to terms with this around Buffy will be hard...but in a way, this is even harder. I killed for Tara's death and that was as a human. I just want to prove right by her.
"Willow," Tara sighs. I don't let her finish whatever her thought is. I pull out a ninja turtle figure out of my pocket. I swiped it out of Dawn's room.
"I got you this! Well, swiped from Dawn but still it's the thought right?" I ask. Tara takes the figure, looking at me with a slightly bemused expression.
"Thanks for going through not as much trouble. You're a vampire, Willow," Tara murmurs, taking a step back from me. I frown.
"Well, you're the walking dead brought to full life," I reply, sighing in frustration. Tara glares at me for the comment as I gesture futilely. I didn't mean to say that but this isn't going like I thought it'd be like. Damnit. "I wanted to see you," I whisper.
"I have my beliefs as a Wiccan and you know what those beliefs entail. I don't think I can put myself through a relationship with you," Tara states, stepping forward. I look up at her in worry but I won't go down without the guns blazing though.
"We could make it work," I beg. For some reason I don't want to let her go again. I guess losing her affected me on a subconscious level as well. "I can feed off blood packets or something," I cry, desperately trying to get Tara to see a possible relationship.
"I'm sorry, Willow. I just can't though. It was bad enough seeing you so addicted and now..." Tara trails off. I stand still, in a state of shock. This isn't going at all like it was the way it was supposed to do. Tara was supposed to see me and be all smitten again and we'd build a brand new relationship building off the past. Instead Tara basically is trampling my undead heart beneath her sneakers.
"Please," I whisper. Tara steps forward, placing the action figure in my hand before stepping past me. She opens the door and walks out. I can see Buffy's returned. Angel is talking with her and Giles. Gunn, the non-Fred demon, and Spike are all standing together. Tara joins them. The door closes without making a sound. I stare down at the action figure. It's green with a purple sash with a D painted in the middle. A brown bow staff is in his right hand. He's smiling at me. With a growl I throw it as hard as I can against the painting above Angel's chair and desk. The figure shatters into multiple pieces as I fall to my knees, just burying my face in my hands in defeat.