Leaving Her
by Salix
Hospital Confessions
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When she woke up she knew that she was in a hospital. She could hear the stupid heart monitor beeping away, saying that she was still alive, and she could hear one of her mothers crying. She wasn't sure which one at this point, but if she laid really still and acted like she was asleep then she'd be able to figure it out. Unfortunately for her, her slayer mother was very well aware of her consciousness. She could hear the footsteps as they got closer to the bed and she couldn't help but swallow very hard in fear as she thought about what might happen once her mothers start in on her. She imagined yelling, screaming, 'how could you's?' and possibly even some hitting.
"Emily," she heard her blonde mom say. She froze. She didn't know what to do so she just laid there, unmoving, she didn't even open her eyes and she was barely breathing. She heard her mom sigh, and she couldn't help but feel guilty. "Emily, baby, please open your eyes. I know you're awake. Please sweetie, don't hide from us." She sounded so gentle, so soft. Emily's eyes filled up with tears and they started to leak out the corners of her still closed baby-blues. She took a deep, hopefully calming breath as she tried to think of something to say, to try and come up with some type of explanation, some type of lie for why she did what she did.
"I don't want you to hate me," she said in a rough a gravely voice. She heard her redhead mom start to cry harder. She opened one of her eyes just enough to see what was going on. They were both standing at her bedside, looking down at her. Willow was wrapped up in Buffy's arms, crying on the blonde's shoulder, as the other woman rubbed her back, trying to get her upset wife to calm down. She could see the pain and sadness in her blonde mom's eyes, it was written all over her face, and she shut her eyes tightly. She didn't want to face this, didn't want to deal with it. She just wanted to go back to sleep where she was safe from reality.
"Baby we don't hate you. We love you no matter what. We just want you to get better. The doctor is going to come in, in a little while, and then they want you to talk with a councilor. We know that you won't talk about the demons and supernatural stuff, but try to be as honest as possible, ok?" she asked and the sound of her voice broke Emily's heart. She didn't want to talk to a councilor. She just wanted to go home. She wanted to get out of this stupid hospital and lay down in her mommies' bed and have them hold her and make her feel safe and loved. She wants them to take the pain away, to be the protectors like they used to be when she was little. She wanted them to chase the imaginary monsters away, and tell her that everything would be all right, and they would always love and protect her no matter what happens.
She had only taken three of the little white pills so no damage had been done, and they were able to pump her stomach before the pills were completely digested. She did not prove to be very helpful with the councilor at all. When the woman asked where she got the pills, she answered: from a friend. When asked about her home life, she said that: it's finally getting better. When she was asked to go into further detail she just simply said: they're happy so I'm happy.
She wouldn't talk about her love life or if she had a boyfriend, she wouldn't talk about the scars on her leg and neck. The only time she ever showed any emotion is when the councilor lady asked if she were being abused by her parents. She got very angry and almost jumped out of the bed. There was no way in hell she was going to let someone think that she was being abused because she wasn't and she didn't want anyone thinking that her moms are bad parents.
The councilor left feeling a little frustrated. When she talked to the doctor they both agreed that this wasn't a suicide attempt because the girl had only taken three pills and it was to their understanding that she had half a bottle at her disposal. She would have to stay overnight for observation just in case something went wrong but then she would be released with a strong recommendation by the hospital that she seek out a therapist to talk with. Every couple of hours a nurse would come into the room to check on her vitals and to see if she needed anything. Every time one of them walked into the room they wanted to turn around and leave, the depressed and angry feelings coming off of the people in the room were so thick that it made everyone who entered want to cry, or scream, or just get out of there.
Emily knew that her blonde mom was pissed off at her. She wasn't sure if it was because she had let a vampire feed from her or because she had taken those pills. She still can't figure out why they affected her like they had. They usually take a lot longer to kick in, but when her family walked into the room it was like she was paralyzed. She wanted to explain herself, but at the same time she just wanted to go to sleep. She was tired because of her night out with Nikki and Faith but she couldn't get back to sleep because Willow had reminded her of that vampire. She's not blaming her redheaded mom for this, never would she blame anyone but herself for doing that, but because the subject was brought up she couldn't stop thinking about it, and she just wanted to make it all go away for a couple of hours.
She decided to get some sleep after her little talk with the councilor. She was tired, a little hungry, but she really doesn't want to eat the hospital food. She has a theory that it isn't real food, that it's all made in a lab somewhere and shipped off to the hospitals, but she's too tired to think about that. She closed her eyes and tried to get comfortable, but she doesn't like lying on her back, she's just not used to it. She made herself relax even though the beeping of the EKG machine was going to drive her to insanity. She was just starting to drift off when she heard footsteps walking into her room. She heard her parents talking to one another. She acted like she was asleep. She didn't want to deal with any of this right now. She just wanted to sleep for a little while longer, get her strength up and then go home.
"I just don't understand why she would do this. She knows that she can talk to us. She always has before. Sure, she used to sneak out with Nikki, but that was just a phase, like when Dawn used to sneak out with Janice. I just don't understand why she would take those pills. Where did she even get them from?" she heard Willow asked. She was still very upset, and Buffy was doing her best to calm her down, but her efforts weren't working very well, if at all. Buffy was trying to deal with it in her own way. The same way she used to deal with emotional things, she cut everyone off. She hid her feelings for the time being because she needed to be strong for Willow.
"I don't know where she got them. We'll talk to her when we go home." There was a pause of hesitation before she continued. "Willow, I think maybe we should call Xander, and have him come pick you up, and take you home," the blonde said and the redhead instantly started to protest. Emily felt guilty. Her parents were arguing and it was her fault. If she hadn't have been so stupid she wouldn't even be here right now, and her parents wouldn't be going through all of this stress. She decided to forget about it for now. She would try to go to sleep and forget about everything that was going on. That way she wouldn't have to deal with it.
"No Buffy, I don't want to leave her alone. I want to stay here. I'm not going anywhere," the redhead said. She sounded desperate and tired. It reminded Emily of the time she had gotten the flu when they still lived in Rome. Willow had wanted to stay up all night just to make sure that Emily was ok. She was so tired, she had stayed up forty-eight hours straight taking care of the little girl and she was going to try for another night. Buffy had to convince her to go to bed and that Emily would be fine. Willow was very reluctant but she finally gave in and went into their bedroom to sleep, leaving the little sleeping girl by herself in her own room. When they woke up the next morning the first thing Willow did was check on the sleeping seven year old.
Buffy had been wrong, Emily wasn't fine. Her fever had risen during the night, and she was covered in sweat and slightly shaking.
Willow started panicking, she wasn't sure what to do. She yelled for Buffy and the blonde ran into the room in an instant. She tried to stay calm, but it was very hard. They tried waking Emily up but she wouldn't. Buffy picked her up and carried her into the bathroom and put in her the tub and started to run cold water on her. After a couple of minutes she started to cool down and she woke up. She was disoriented and didn't know where she was. Once they were sure the fever was down enough they rushed her to the hospital. She was there for three days in an intensive care unit and ever since then Willow won't leave her side when she's sick, even if it's just a cold.
"Ok, ok. But at least try and get some sleep. You're exhausted. Come here," she said, her tone soft and non-threatening and Emily peeked to see what was going on. She saw Buffy sit down in the chair not far from her bed and then Willow sat down on Buffy's lap. She rested her head on the blonde's shoulder and tried to get comfortable. Buffy started to rub Willow's back and stroked her hair for a few minutes as the redhead dozed off to sleep. She was so loving, and caring and Emily couldn't stand to watch it. She was starting to feel alone again, very alone. She hasn't felt this alone since Mike starting dating someone else and started ignoring her.
She closed her eyes again and tried to sleep but she couldn't. She had a feeling that the blonde knew that she was awake. She was tempted to look but she didn't. She heard a nurse walk into the room and she checked on her vitals, and she had an orderly bring in fold out bed, almost like a cot, into the room and Buffy gently laid Willow down on it and covered her up with the blanket that the orderly gave her. After gently placing a kiss on her wife's forehead she sat back down in the chair and watched as her daughter pretended to be asleep.
Emily could feel the anger coming off of the blonde, and she did not like the feeling at all. She tried to stay calm, but the bad thing about being hooked up to a heart monitor is that it's practically a lie detector test, and right now she's really nervous, and the beeping is becoming a little quicker and a little louder so no matter how much she wanted everyone to think she was sleeping they all knew she wasn't.
"I know you're awake so let's not play games, alright?" she heard Buffy ask, her voice was low but she sounded a little angry. Emily had wondered how long it would be before the blonde spoke. She was surprised by the choice of words, very surprised. She hadn't really expected her to say anything nice, she had expected her to say something along the lines of 'you're grounded to your room for the rest of the year, two bathroom breaks a day, you're going on home school, and you'll only be fed after all of your homework is done'.
But she decided to go along with the blonde. She wasn't sure where this was going, but wherever it led she was sure she deserved it, even if it was another slap to the face. She opened her eyes and looked into the very pissed off hazel eyes of her mother. She was a little afraid, she would only admit that to herself, and she almost wished that her redheaded mom was awake because she knew that Willow would most likely play mediator between the two if things got heated.
She remembered, as she laid in the hospital trying to ignore the stupid beep of the machine, the very first fight she ever had with her blonde mom. It had been about her piercing her bottom lip. As soon as Buffy saw it she wanted her to take it out, but Emily had refused, and the two had gotten into a huge screaming match about it, mostly because Emily was only thirteen at the time and Buffy thought she was too young for a lip piercing. Willow had stepped in between them when they started to get in each other's faces. She had defused the situation as best she could, convinced Buffy not to just rip the ring out of the girl's lip, and after lecturing both of them for about fifteen minutes they went out for ice cream. She really wanted her redheaded mom to be awake right now.
"Right now I couldn't care any less about the pills," she started to say and again that surprised Emily. She thought that her mother had been furious because of those, but she had been wrong. She knew now that it was either about the whole 'running away and getting kidnapped thing' or the 'letting a vampire feed from her thigh' thing. "The doctor said that there isn't any damage done and you're going to be fine. We'll talk about those later, after we get home and you flush the rest of them down the toilet. You are going to tell me where you got them from, and if the answer is Nikki, and you will tell me the truth, then you'll never see her again." Emily took in a deep breath when she said that. She knew that her blonde mom had a problem with Nikki because the other girl was a very bad influence. But she didn't have to worry because she hadn't gotten the pills from her.
"What do you want to talk about then?" she asked keeping all sarcasm as far away from her voice as possible. She made sure to keep her tone soft and very submissive. Her mom was pissed off enough as it is without her trying to act grown up. Nope, right now she just needs to remember her place and that her mother is a slayer and therefore should be considered very dangerous because of her current anger level.
"The vampire, or vampires that bit your leg. I'm not stupid, I've been a slayer long enough to know that you were bitten more then once. You obviously had some control over the situation since you're still alive. What I wanna know is why. Why did you let a vampire bite you so close to your...private area? Why would you let something violate your body like that? Do you have any self respect at all?" her voice was starting to rise a little. She stopped speaking before she got too loud. She took in a deep calming breath and looked down at her hands folded in her lap. This was a lot harder then she thought it was going to be. She knew that Emily was going to fight talking about this. She just had a feeling that the teen wouldn't want to open up, mostly because the girl has been so closed off for the last couple of months.
"It was only one vampire. I met him at a party in Hartford. We made an agreement with each other. We would meet at a place provided by him that was safe, a nice motel room or something, never a gross run down place, and he never brought anyone with him. He didn't kill me because he's afraid of you. I told him right away that you're my mom and he knew that if anything happened to me and I didn't make it home safe then you would kill him," she said and then took a very deep breath.
Telling her this was a lot harder then she had thought it was going to be. Sure she had thought about it at least a thousand or more times, but she had never voiced it, not even to an empty room. She knew her mom was surprised that she was just opening up like this, especially after she had shut her out for so long. But she wasn't going to lie, not anymore. She would answer all of her questions honestly, even if the answer is something that the blonde won't want to hear. And if Emily is right in her assumption then a lot of what she would be telling her would piss the blonde off, probably beyond control. She really wished her redheaded mom were awake right now.
"But why? Why would you let him touch you?" she asked, she didn't sound angry, just sad, disappointed even. Emily had to fight to keep the tears away. She didn't want to talk about this anymore. She didn't want to say anything else. She just wanted to forget out it, she didn't want to deal with it. But she had to. She knew that if she shut her mom out right now or if she lies then their relationship would be destroyed forever. Things will never be the same between then again, and she doesn't want that. But if she's honest, even if she says things that Buffy won't want to hear, then they'll at least have a shot. What she has to say might do some damage to their relationship, but at least they'll be able to fix it. If she shuts down, if she lies, then it'll be ruined forever.
"I didn't want to feel so alone anymore. I just wanted it to stop," she said and then paused. She needed just a little bit of a break. She was going to be completely honest, and she wasn't going to stop the conversation, but she needed to do this in baby steps. She thought about what she wanted to say next very carefully. If she didn't word everything perfectly then she knew this conversation would turn into a screaming match. She took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. "I stopped going to him, after you and mom got back together. I wanted to get better so I stopped going. I want you to know that me going to him has nothing to do with you. I didn't feel lonely because you were working a lot or anything like that. It's me, it just has to do with me." Buffy nodded her head, acknowledging her daughter's words. She believed her, every word she was saying. She knows when her daughter is lying and now is not one of those times.
"Why did you feel so lonely? If it has nothing to do with me, why?" she asked and took a deep breath. Emily looked away from her mother and up at the ceiling. Looks like she would have to fess up about Mike. It wasn't all his fault. She has other issues that are making her feel this way. She mulled it all over in her head and she was glad that her mother was giving her the time to think about it and not rushing her. She would have to remember to thank the blonde after all of this is over for letting her take her time and not try to force the words out.
"Honestly, I'm not sure why, I just did. Mike and I broke up a long time ago. We dated for three months and then I called it off. We were still close afterwards, but then he started seeing some other chick and completely ignored me. That sort of sent me over the edge I guess. I just missed everyone so much. Uncle Xander and aunt Anya, and grandpa Giles, and all of my friends, you have no idea how much I miss them. Mike was the only person I really connected with and he was there for me. And when we stopped talking...it was like I had no one. The vampire...he made me feel wanted, made me feel needed. He gave me comfort and then I gave him blood as, like, payment or something. God, I sound like such a whore."
She took in a deep breath and covered her face with her hands. She had silent tears running down her face, and her nose was starting to get a little clogged up. The EKG machine was starting to beep a little faster. Saying all of this was making her feel a little better, but it also reminded her of everything that she's done, and she couldn't stop herself from crying no matter how hard she tried. She felt herself being lifted up and moved over and when she uncovered her face she saw her slayer mother climbing onto the hospital bed next to her. She wrapped her arms around her mother and buried her face in her shoulder. She cried for a few minutes, letting out the emotions that were running wild inside of her. The entire time her mom was rubbing her back and telling her that everything was going to be ok, that she just needs to get it all out, she needs to talk about it because it will make her feel better.
She calmed down after about ten minutes. They just laid there in silence, listening to the beeping of the machine as it started to slow. The nurse came in and checked on her vitals and asked how she was doing. She was polite and said that she was fine and then the nurse said that she should try to get some sleep. She didn't want to sleep anymore. She wanted to talk about everything. Now that she saw that her mother wasn't going to kill her and she was going to stay calm and be understanding, she wanted to get everything off of her chest. She wanted to confess all of the bad things that she's done, but she decided that she should wait to tell the entire thing when they're home. She doesn't really want to tell the entire story over again, and she knew that she would have to for her redheaded mom. So the confessions could wait until tomorrow.
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Probably not one of my better updates, but oh well. I'll try to update again as soon as possible. So, what did you think? No very good or just ok? I'll try to make the next chapter a little happier.