Punishing
by Red
Punishing
[reviews]
{I HAVE AN ODD CHALLENGE HERE...I'm going through a dark spot at the moment, hence this story...anyone out there wanna do a continuation piece, with a happy ending...picking up where mine leaves off...PLEASE, GO FOR IT! It would make me very much smile. All that's required, is that you follow mine, no changing what I've set up, a Buffy/Willow spanky(NO BELT) and a HAPPY ENDING! I so need one! So, if you wanna make a fellow author smile, here's your chance...NOTE...there is so a difference in spanking/punishing and beating...Kennedy beats...}
Punishing
Red
Joss' folk.
Summary: Willow's thoughts as she does bad stuff.
rated pg16
WARNING: Dark fic...deals with abuse & self harm...
+++++
I've always loved her.
From that first day...me in my softer side of Sears fashion. Her soft voice, gentle eyes...kindness, that's what she was. I fell in love with her that day. My heart was no longer mine the moment it saw, the moment it heard, Buffy Summers.
It was always her...her arms around me, when Oz held me. Her lips taking mine when Tara kissed me. Her head between my thighs whenever Kennedy makes love to me.
It's always been Buffy.
My eyes closed or open...my fingers twisting in brunette, blonde, red, maroon...whatever Oz's flavor of the week was...my fingers always twisted in blonde...slayer blonde, silky and shiny, golden tresses that rested on the head of the one I would always love.
And it's that love that decorates my flesh, in shades of black, blue and purple.
At first, there were cuts. Small, shallow, trails of blood that decorated my thighs. But Tara questioned so I had to switch...bruises are so much easier to explain. Patrol. That one word alibied every damn black and blue mark I ever gave myself.
My arms, my legs, my face even...all recieved on patrol. One good toss from a vamp, a demon and I was good to go.
And no one ever was the wiser.
Not my oldest friend...not my mentor, not the ex demon or the chipped vampire. Not the witch I loved...and yes, I did love her...even tho' my heart was Buffy's, I loved Tara.
Not even the slayer noticed. Of course, she was kinda dealing with the whole, I was just yanked outta heaven thing, so understandable she wouldn't notice the bitch who had done the yanking was hurting herself.
When Buffy died...that's when it started. My heart had the biggest hole in it. The only thing that stopped the pain was the pain I gave myself. And even that, only stopped it for a moment. But when you can't breathe...when your whole world is numb, you'll take a moment. When I brought her back, I was sure it would stop and it did...for a few days. For a few beautiful days, my world was good again.
A song took that good away.
When Tara died, I wanted to die. And I wanted Buffy to kill me. It was only fitting...I loved her, she could barely stand me...I was the best friend in name only...I was drowning in guilt. Here the woman I loved was dead and all my heart could see was the woman I was in love with.
I deserved to die.
Just like I deserve these bruises...and the ones I'll get later from Kenny.
She knows I didn't get them on patrol...and in a little while, when she bends me over the chair in our bedroom and lays into my ass with her belt, I'll feel justly punished for harming myself, even tho' that isn't why she'll be punishing me.
It's never why. She honestly doesn't care that I hurt myself.
It makes it easier for her to beat me. She tells herself I like it...but I don't. Maybe I'm crazy, but it feels different...what I do...what she does.
I hate what I do to myself...
But I hate what she does to me even worse.
She gives me her belt every night before bed...it's my punishment for loving Buffy. I may share Kennedy's bed, but she knows where my heart is...and for that, I pay every single day.
Sometimes I wonder if Buffy were here, if she would know now...know that the bruises on my arms, legs, face aren't from a demon...know that the reason I wince everytime I sit, isn't because of patrol.
Do you know how many times a day I want to go to Italy?
I wish every day that she'd just show up on the doorstep...that she'd see the pain I'm in...physically, emotionally...I wish she'd see how in love with her I am and take me in her arms, holding me while I cry, telling me that she was in love with me, too.
I wish she'd save me...from Kennedy...from myself.
Kennedy punishes me for loving Buffy.
Ironically, I think that's the same thing I punish myself for.