Ghost
by sailor80
3
[reviews]
Buffy woke slowly. She and Willow were tangled together in the bedclothes. Buffy beat back the panic that rose quickly when she realized what had happened between them again. She wanted to believe that Willow had tricked her somehow, but knew it wasn't true. Buffy sighed, and Willow moved, pulling Buffy closer. One of her hands covered Buffy's breast, and Buffy looked at it, remembering all the ways Willow touched her the night before.
They would never be finished with each other, Buffy realized. Not just she and Willow, but the others, too. They were bound to each other by secrets and lies and betrayals, and the line of trust that allowed them to stand united against the things no one wanted to see.
"Mmm, Buffy."
"Hey, Will."
"What time's it?"
"Dunno."
Willow stretched against Buffy. She rolled out of bed, and Buffy realized that she had been warm only where Willow touched her. She slid into where Willow had been, soaking up her heat.
Willow returned moments later and settled herself beside Buffy. Buffy wasn't so desperately thin anymore, but was still far from prime. "Buff?"
"Hmm?" Buffy put her arm around Willow's shoulders.
"I missed you."
"I'm here now."
"Thank you." Willow pushed herself up and kissed Buffy, and Buffy responded by pulling Willow atop her.
Willow shifted against her and deepened the kiss. Everything else between them needed work, but not this. Their bodies knew each other, and held no grudges. Buffy's hands on Willow's back were cool and smooth, moving in unbalanced patterns while her tongue explored Willow's mouth.
Hours later, they got up to raid the refrigerator before returning to bed.
The next time Willow woke, she was alone again. She frowned and listened for Buffy, but heard nothing. She put on her robe and went looking. She found Buffy in the basement, beating on the heavy bag in the corner of the gym. Willow didn't talk. She knew Buffy would say something when she was ready.
Buffy hit the bag quickly, ignoring Willow for now. She was still conflicted about her, angry over her resurrection and Willow's failure to stop to the mutiny just before they closed the Sunnydale Hellmouth, but remembering how well Willow had taken care of her before that. She remembered all the small ways Willow had shown her love for Buffy, but the scales of her emotion for Willow remained precariously balanced.
Buffy turned away from the bag, stopping it without looking. "I still don't understand."
"Understand what?"
"Why it matters."
Willow looked at Buffy with confusion. "What?"
"Whether I live. Whether you know where I am. Whether I'm in on the fight."
Willow didn't move. She studied Buffy before answering. "It matters to me because I love you."
"How can you?"
"I just do."
Buffy turned back to the bag. "So you're not going to tell me about the prophecy."
"There's no prophecy, Buffy."
"There's always a prophecy, Willow." Buffy kicked the bag viciously, rattling the chains that supported it.
"I swear, Buffy, if there's a prophecy, I don't know anything about it. I don't talk to them about any of that stuff. I don't help them research."
"You said you'd get me fixed up so we could do what we had to do."
Willow remembered their conversation, the last one they had before Buffy ran again. "I wasn't talking about slaying."
"Yeah, you were. You told me how many baddies I'd killed."
"All we have to do is find a way to survive."
"Well, you got that figured out."
"Do you want really want to die?"
"I want it to stop. I don't want to hear their voices or see their faces or the hands reaching for me. I'm sick of their accusations."
"Who?'
"Who? Buffy answered mockingly.
"They can't hurt you.
"They do. Every second I'm awake." Buffy pounded the bag. "Right now. 'Why didn't you save me?' 'Why weren't you there?'"
"Stop it."
"I can't," Buffy screamed, and increased the speed of her blows to the bag.
To Willow, Buffy's hands were a blur. She didn't know what to say. Buffy sounded schizophrenic to her, speaking of voices and visions, and all Willow knew for sure was that any doctor would involuntarily commit Buffy to the mental health ward.
When Buffy was exhausted, she dropped to the floor. Willow didn't get up. She crawled across the mats until she was close to Buffy. Willow took one hand and began to unwrap it. Buffy, chin on her chest, let her take care of one hand, then the other.
When she finished, Willow sat near Buffy, holding her hands. They were hot for the first time. She leaned forward and kissed Buffy's head. "Come upstairs with me."
Buffy nodded without looking at Willow. Willow got up first, still holding on to one of Buffy's hands, and Buffy got to her feet and trailed Willow through the kitchen, up to the room across from Willow's office.
They sat on the bed. Willow held one of Buffy's hands, and with her other, stroked Buffy's hair. Buffy stared at the wall, still breathing hard. She knew saying to Willow what she really felt would hurt her badly, and Buffy wasn't ready to take that final, irrevocable step. She tried unsuccessfully to calm herself; Willow's touch, once the most normal thing in the world, burned her like nothing else.
Willow considered her options while she watched Buffy. She couldn't decide whether Buffy was deranged or possessed or still just hurting from all that she'd been through. This room was neutral ground for them, and Willow hoped it would help Buffy regain her composure. "How can I help?" Willow asked quietly.
Buffy's head swiveled toward her. It was the last thing she had expected Willow to say, and it caught her completely off guard. "Let me go."
"I can't do that."
Buffy turned away from Willow again. She stared at the wall for a moment, then cocked her head as if she heard something. "You know the worst thing?" she asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "It's when they say it's all right, it wasn't my fault. Tara says that a lot. And Mom. And Ms. Calendar. How can they forgive me?"
"Buffy, you need to let them go."
"I can't, Will. I don't know how." Buffy slid off the bed to the floor, out of Willow's grasp. She curled around her knees again, hiding her face, and covered her ears.
Willow was frightened and uncertain what to do. She watched Buffy, seeing the small rocking motion, and took a deep breath to still her racing thoughts. She moved down beside Buffy on the floor and wrapped both her arms around her.
That was more than Buffy could bear. She struggled to get away, but Willow held on, refusing to let Buffy push her aside again. "Listen to me," Willow said sternly, and Buffy stopped, caught off guard by the tone of Willow's voice. "They aren't real. They can't hurt you." Buffy made a strangled sound, part laugh, part cry, and Willow repeated her words.
Buffy didn't answer. She resumed the rocking motion, quick, jagged, like everything around her felt, even Willow's arms around her. Willow swallowed her panic, wondering what to do to get Buffy out of this state. Not for the first time, she wondered how Buffy had survived so long like this, shattered and without a true reflection. She recalled how she had been when Tara died. Remembering that still brought bile into her throat, holding her love's body while her life drained away onto the floor. Once the rage was gone, she had been completely empty. Rebuilding herself had been the hardest thing ever. No one had been able to help her with that, not even Buffy.
At that realization, Willow let her go. Before getting to her feet, she kissed the top of Buffy's head. As hard as it was, she had to let Buffy decide. If she wouldn't, then Willow would decide for her what was best. It wasn't the relationship she wanted with Buffy, to be her caretaker, but she would do it, just as she had tended Tara when Glory scrambled her brain.
Willow walked across the hall and began to research. If Buffy was chemically unbalanced, they could fix that with relative ease. If it was a Slayer thing, a punishment for exceeding her expiration date or some thing equally stupid, they could fix that, too. Not long after the migration to Cleveland, when Willow was still looking for someplace to settle, she had found the Watcher's Council servers, still up and running someplace in London. The backup servers were in New York. Willow had laughed bitterly. Everything they had ever needed was online, all the books, every Watcher's diary, all the Slayer Codices, all scanned into cyberspace. Willow had sent the information to Dawn with instructions on how to set up her own server system with all the information and backups.
She began there, reading through page after page of ancient information, until her eyes burned. Then she turned around. Buffy remained on the floor across the hall, the rocking the only sign that she remained conscious. That image turned her back to her research.
Willow found only what she expected to find. No Slayer had lived as long as Buffy had. No Slayer had been brought back so many times. Many of the things they had done should have killed all of them. In the end, Willow left the mysticism of the ancient texts and moved into the science of the modern world, with magicks of a different kind. Buffy was depressed and hallucinating, and that led Willow to believe she was schizophrenic.
There was a third option, but Willow couldn't explore it without at least one other person to help. She would need an anchor, and some additional magical firepower, and the people she trusted to provide those things were all far away. Willow wondered how Buffy would react to company, even if it was only Faith and Dawn, though she suspected she would need Xander and Giles, too.
She thought about it long and hard, and decided that the worse case scenario was that Buffy would take off again. If that happened, Faith could run her down and bring her back.
Willow knew Buffy would hear her if she phoned, so she sent Dawn a lengthy e-mail message and returned to Buffy, who had remained in the same position for the hours Willow spent trying to figure out her best options. She knelt beside Buffy and put a hand on her shoulder.
Buffy stopped moving, but otherwise didn't acknowledge Willow.
"Please look at me," Willow said softly, and waited the excruciatingly long time it took Buffy to turn her face so that one hazel eye focused on Willow. "We need to eat something."
"Not hungry."
"I know, but you need to eat. You don't want to get sick again."
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to settle herself a little. Willow was right, she didn't want to lose what she had regained. "All right."
Willow stood up and held her hand out. Buffy ignored it and rose slowly. She grimaced while feeling returned to her legs, and when Willow left the room, she followed her.
They ate frozen dinners, neither of them ready to do anything more. It was dark outside, the new moon a sliver among the stars, too weak to illuminate the snow that surrounded the house. After they ate, Willow coaxed Buffy back to bed, and lay with her until she was deep in sleep.
Willow was restless. She didn't want to need their help any more than Buffy did, but when push came to shove, that was their family, and the only ones who wouldn't automatically assume they were both insane. She went to the computer, not expecting to have a reply, but one was there.
"If you need us to bring anything special, let me know tonight. We'll leave in the morning and should be there early in the evening," Dawn wrote.
Willow answered quickly, asking only for anything they had of Buffy's and a few herbs she was running low on. She finished the message with a thank you, sent it, and returned to bed. Buffy hadn't moved, and Willow wrapped herself around Buffy.
Willow woke alone again, and cautiously went through the house. She found Buffy curled up in her bedroom, and didn't disturb her. She hadn't been to town this week, and gathered what she would need for the trip. She left a note for Buffy by the coffee machine.
Willow bought double the usual amount of groceries, and added a little more for good measure. She picked up her mail before heading home. She noticed headlights behind her, and thought nothing of it until they turned up her lane. She stopped and got out of the car. She relaxed when she saw the Ohio plates. Faith stuck her head out the driver's window and said, "What the fuck are you doin' in the boonies?"
Willow grinned with relief. "This isn't the boonies, Faith."
"Coulda fooled me."
"I get more TV stations than you do," Willow said, and got back into her vehicle.
The garage was big enough for both Willow's SUV and the sedan holding the others, and they followed her in. After hugs all around, everyone grabbed some of the groceries and went into the house.
Before beginning the task of putting them away, Willow checked on Buffy. She was still curled in the bed, in the same position she had been when Willow left. She stifled her sigh and closed the door before returning to the kitchen.
Giles was sitting at the table, his cane leaning against it. Faith, Dawn, and Xander trooped in and out with bags. Willow began putting things away. She sent Faith out to the freezer in the garage with four bags of food to add to it, and put the rest in cabinets or the refrigerator.
That finished, she made a fresh pot of coffee and heated water for tea for Giles. She sent Faith and Xander after the luggage, and showed them to the three spare rooms, apologizing to Faith that she would have to sleep on the couch in the basement.
They gathered around the kitchen table with their drinks. Willow wondered why it was still so hard for them to talk to each other face to face, but Giles saved her. He cleared his throat and asked, "Where is Buffy?"
"In her room."
"What's goin' on, Red?"
"I don't know. I got it down to three things, and none of them are good." Willow glanced at Dawn. "Sorry, Dawnie."
"Willow, we both know she hasn't been right since she came back," Dawn said.
"So, spill, Will, what's the what?" Xander asked.
Willow drank some coffee before answering. "She says she sees dead people." Willow giggled involuntarily. "Sorry, I'm just tired and that came out, well, not wrong, but, not how I meant it. She says they follow her, and talk to her, and it's just more than she can take. I did some research before I called you guys, and it could be she's schizophrenic. Or possessed or haunted somehow. Or it could be some freaky Slayer thing. I couldn't find anything, but that doesn't mean it's not."
"What do you need from us?" Giles asked.
"I thought you guys could help me figure out what's going on, and maybe we can fix it." Willow paused again. "I don't know what else to do, and I'm afraid we're going to lose her again."
"Tell us everything," Giles said. "Start at the beginning."
"The beginning of what?" Willow asked.
Faith got up from the table. "After we left Sunnydale, I don't know where you went off to, Red. All I know is that Buffy didn't come with us."
"She was worn out," Giles said. "I tried to get her to come with us, but the only response she gave was a thousand yard stare."
"Yeah, I couldn't get her to wake up when I said goodbye," Dawn added.
"I needed some time to figure out what had happened with the spell and all the magicks," Willow said. "That's why I didn't go with you. I couldn't keep doing it night after night. All that energy scared the hell outta me."
"She came to Cleveland," Faith volunteered. "It was, um, we hadn't been there that long, so maybe it was the end of winter."
Everyone looked at Faith. "You didn't tell us that," Dawn said.
"She wasn't gonna stay, so I didn't see any reason to make you hope," Faith told her. "We sat in a cemetery and talked, and I gave her all those letters you guys piled up, and she went on her way." Faith glanced at Willow, who nodded, and Faith continued. "I kinda lied to you guys. I know you thought I was out lookin' for Slayers, but I was usually checkin' up on B. Red asked me to let me know how she was, so I'd call and tell her B was fine."
"I wondered about that," Giles said.
"You lied to me, Faith," Willow said evenly.
"What, I was gonna tell you she was a freakin' basket case? She was alive, and goin' through the motions."
"Stop it," Xander said. "Just tell me what's going on now."
Willow looked at her oldest friend. She wondered why he opted to keep the eye patch, and filed that away for another conversation. "She showed up here at the end of summer, and I thought she was done running, but two nights later she was gone again." Willow looked at Dawn. "That's when I kinda flipped out and called you."
Dawn smiled at her. "'S'allright. I'm glad you did." Dawn turned her glance to Faith. "I sent Faith to look for her."
"I found her," Faith said. "That girl can cover some ground, let me tell you. She was almost 400 miles from here when I caught up to her, and she thought I was kiddin' when I said she couldn't keep on. I got her down, and tied her up with that Wonder Woman rope and put her in the car and headed home." Faith shook her head, remembering the long ride. "She kicks like a fuckin' mule. Bruised me through the seat. When we got home, I put her in that first room by the back door, untied her and gave her something to eat. We got the healers in there, but the next morning, she pulled a fast one and took off."
"She certainly was stronger than the healers indicated," Giles said, and Faith shrugged.
"She called me," Willow said. "She wouldn't tell me where I was because she was afraid I'd send her after you," she continued, looking at Faith.
"Good thing you didn't," Faith growled. "I'm still pissed about her little trick."
"How'd she end up back here?" Xander asked.
"I got a call from her in October. Remember the early snowstorm we had? It was that day. She called me and said she was in a bar in Illinois and," Willow stopped for a moment, not wanting her voice to shake. "She said if I wanted her to come and get her." She looked down, remembering Buffy in the bar, then at each of them in turn. "I never saw her like that. Never. I've been trying to take care of her since then, but it doesn't matter what I do." Despair entered her voice. "I've done everything I can do by myself, and it isn't enough."
"Like what?" Xander asked. His last memory of Buffy was her standing at the edge of the crater that had been their hometown. He hadn't been able to identify the emotion under the look on her face then; he was just vaguely glad they had made it away, and fleetingly grateful that he had repaired her house for the last time.
Dawn got up from her chair and bent down to hug Willow. "We'll fix it," she said softly.
Giles looked away from them, but Xander stared as he tried to take in everything. "Like what?" he repeated.
Willow looked at him, trying to decide which of them to protect, and finally decided it didn't matter. "She'd been drinking for months, Xander. Not eating. Not bathing. Just wandering around and drinking."
"Buffy doesn't drink."
Willow looked at him, and Faith saved her from saying something harsher than she wanted. "Yeah, she does, Xan. Smokes sometimes, too."
Xander looked confused. "We're talking about Buffy."
"She's not like she used to be."
"None of us are," Xander said, still struggling.
"She wants to die," Faith said, "and she can't do it herself."
Xander, Dawn and Giles looked at Faith, then to Willow for confirmation. Willow nodded. "She tried I don't know how many times. Something from the spell that made the potentials into slayers supercharged Buffy and Faith. I'm pretty sure it's the only reason she's still here."
Dawn's and Giles' eyes widened as they looked at Faith. "You didn't tell us," Giles said after a few seconds.
"Tell you what, oh, by the way, 'I'm damn near immortal now'?"
"Faith, those things are important," Giles chided her.
Faith shrugged. They could sort all that out later. She was certain Giles would make her his favorite new research project when they returned home. "What's important is helping B get her shit together."
"What do you need us to do, Will?" Dawn asked.
"Can we talk about that after dinner?"
"Sure. How can I help?"
Willow smiled at Dawn, then looked at Faith. "There's an Xbox and a Playstation downstairs."
"Awesome." Faith headed for the basement, Xander on her heels.
Dawn looked to Willow, and she smiled again. "Go on, it's all right. I'll yell when dinner's ready."
Dawn headed down the stairs behind them. Willow got a packaged of ground meat from the refrigerator and started it browning in a deep pot. Giles cleared his throat and Willow turned to look at him. "More tea?" she asked.
"That would be lovely, thank you."
She prepared another cup for him, then returned to what she was doing. When the meat was cooked, she added tomato sauce, whole canned tomatoes, one small can of paste, and different herbs and spices. She mixed it all together, turned the heat down and sat at the table. "Ask away," she said to Giles.
"How are you?"
He caught her off guard. She had been expecting questions about Buffy, not his gentle concern for her wellbeing. "I don't know," she said after a few seconds. "Worried, mostly," she added in a near whisper.
"How bad is she, really?"
"Remember how she was when she first came back?" When Giles nodded, Willow said, "She's a thousand times worse. She can't see any kind of future, and she looks, I don't know what it is, desperate, maybe."
"What have you done?"
Listened to her. Talked. Got her to eat and sleep regularly. She looks a little better. She was skin and bones and a dozen new scars." Willow stuffed that memory down. She was close to her breaking point, and suddenly understood Buffy's panic at her concern. "No magick."
"Was it worth it?" Giles asked.
Willow knew exactly what he was referring to, and answered without hesitation, "Yes."
"Then we must convince her of that."
Excited voices drifted up from the basement.
"I just, if I was sure she was just sick, you know, in a way doctors could fix, but I'm not. We've seen so much, maybe she really is haunted, or possessed." Willow got up and stirred the sauce. "I need to try and get her to join us. Could you get Xander and Faith to put the leaf in the table, please? It's in the closet over there, and we'll need the room."
"Certainly, dear."
Willow went to Buffy's room, closing the door after she entered. She turned on the small light on the dresser, just enough to see her way. She sat on the bed on the side Buffy was facing and put her hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Hey."
"What?"
"Hungry?"
"No."
"We have company."
"I heard." Buffy continued to answer in a monotone.
"They really want to see you. Have dinner with us, and then you can come back here."
"No."
"Please, Buffy."
"Why should I?"
"Because I'm asking you."
"I don't want to see them."
"I'm sorry, honey. They won't be here long. Just come out for dinner, half an hour at most. Let them see you."
"I'm not going back there," Buffy said flatly.
"You're not going anywhere," Willow promised. "That's why they came here, so we can stay home." When Buffy didn't answer, Willow prodded, "They won't hurt you."
"They all ready hurt me plenty."
"Not tonight." Willow moved her hand up and pushed Buffy's hair away from her face. "If it's too much, you can come back here." She leaned down and kissed Buffy's cheek. "I'll totally make it worth your while."
"Really not interested."
That stung, but Willow didn't let it show. "They'll just come in here."
Buffy huffed. "Fine." She sat up. "I guess I'm supposed to pretend that everything is fine."
"No." Willow pushed the same bit of hair away from Buffy's face. "Just show yourself."
"They came all this way, guess they can see the freak show before they leave."
"First, you aren't a freak show. Second, well, I'll think of that later."
"You do that," Buffy said, and got up. She left Willow sitting on the bed as she left the room.
Buffy went directly to the kitchen. Only Giles was there. Buffy frowned when she saw him. He looked old to her, and moved slowly as he got up to greet her. "Buffy! So nice to see you."
"Hey, Giles."
"How are you?"
"Been better. You?"
"Fine, thank you."
They stared at each other, both wondering what to say next. Faith, Xander, and Dawn charged up the stairs, falling into each other when Faith suddenly stopped. "B, I owe you a whuppin'."
"Whatever."
Dawn separated from the pile and moved toward Buffy. Her heart fell when she saw her sister, so different now from the woman she had known before. "Buffy?" Dawn said uncertainly.
"Dawn," Buffy answered.
Dawn quickly closed the space between them and hugged Buffy tightly. She was aware of Buffy's bones, still prominent in many places. "I missed you so much."
Buffy's arms went around Dawn from habit, but she didn't say anything, and Dawn stepped away.
After he and Faith added the leaf to the table, Xander approached Buffy. "Hey, Buffster."
"Hey, Xan."
"Long time, no see."
"Been a little busy."
"So I heard. Do I get a hug or what?"
"Whatever," Buffy answered, and tolerated his embrace.
Dawn went to the stove and checked the pot. She stirred it and took a taste before replacing the lid. Willow entered the kitchen moments later and got a large pot. She filled it with water and added salt before putting it on a burner. She put a lid on it and turned on the burner.
Willow opened one cabinet and got out a stack of plates. Dawn took them from her. Willow pointed out the cutlery drawer and sent Faith downstairs for wineglasses and a couple bottles of wine. Xander and Dawn set the table while Buffy watched. Willow prepared a bowl of salad and put it on the table. She got a variety of dressings from the refrigerator.
Dinner was strained. Buffy refused to be drawn into conversation, and whenever any of them looked at her, she stared back defiantly. As soon as the meal was finished, she got up and returned to her room, closing the door loud enough that all of them heard it. They looked around the table, one to another.
Faith was the first to speak. "She looks like homemade shit," she said.
Willow took a deep breath and dropped her head. Buffy had done exactly as she had asked. She had hoped Buffy would engage somehow with one of them, but she had rebuffed every overture.
Cleanup was quick, and afterward, they gathered around the table again. "We have much work to do," Giles said.
"Can we start tomorrow, Giles?" Xander asked.
"Why wait?" Dawn said.
"I think we'll do better after a good night's sleep."
"Xander has a point," Giles admitted. He pushed himself up. "I, for one, am ready to turn in."
Willow got up, too, and showed Giles to his room. When she returned to the kitchen, only Faith remained. "What makes you think she can get over this?" she asked.
"She has to."
"Why? World's fulla Slayers now."
"I don't care about the world. I care about her."
"You're puttin' a lotta faith in us."
"I lost one lover. I'm not losing her, too."
"You tell her that?"
"No."
"Maybe you should." While Willow thought about it, Faith added, "Night, Red."