The Princess Bride
by Whedonist
The Princess Bride
[reviews]
Disclaimer: Characters of BTVS belong to Joss and the rest. The plot and story belong to I think Fox.
A/N: So right, two weekends ago I'm driving to Barnes and Noble to pick a copy of the Princess Bride. I had let me cousin have my copy and needed a replacement and as I'm walking into the store, I think gee that would make a kinda nifty story for IKOLY. So one night as insomnia reared it's head, I started it. I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Cheers!
Chapter 1
"Wills, be careful and I'll see you later." Buffy called out as she watched her lover back out of the driveway. She beamed as she watched the redhead drive down the street and round the corner. The blonde shut the door and turned to face Giles. "So watcher-mine what do you know about chicken pocks?"
"They go away in time and a visit from grandpa usually makes said time go faster." Giles smiled ruefully and began his ascent up the stairs.
Buffy followed him, "Giles, do me a favor, don't pinch their cheeks. They are getting kinda old for that now don't you think?"
"Preposterous Buffy, no grandchild of mine is ever too old to have their cheeks pinched, despite their age." They walked down the hall and opened up the kid's bedroom.
Buffy allowed him to do his grandfatherly duties as she rested in the doorway with a goofy grin plastered on her face. Life sure did take her for a wacky turn after they closed down Sunnydale. Buffy folded her arms across her chest and took a small trip back in time.
They, her, Willow, Giles, Dawn, Xander and Xander's squeeze turned wife, Adrian, were in Colorado on vacation about a year after the First got the smack down. Buffy had convinced the redhead to go skiing with her, which had turned out with them fighting some snow demon distantly related to a yeti and had in the course of said battle realized that they had indeed fallen for each other. Both had agreed that these were new feelings and maybe they had always been there, but for all the excitement living on the mouth of hell can create neither one had really invested too much thought in to it.
They came off that mountain, alive, in love and determined to stay away from fighting for their lives. They had an army for that and had taken the time to develop said army so that they could focus on life. They moved to the suburbs, against Willow's request, and had set up the Slayer Council in replace of the Watcher's council. Xander had originally wanted to call it "The Watcher's Council for the Ethical Treatment of Slayers", but had been unanimously outvoted by all involved in the process. So that was that. Willow ran IT and all the witch-fu type stuff, Xander, Giles, and Dawn handled the watcher training with the three of them also trying to help train the new slayers, and Buffy and Faith got saddled with teaching the newbies a thing or two about how to not end up dead during patrol or in Buffy's case, if you did end up dead, how to come back to life with out all the crap being dead would inevitably wreak.
Fast forward five years to a night when Buffy had went on a routine patrol that had ended with her coming home very hungry and very very horny. She had attacked the redhead with a passion rarely known to either and they had continued their lovemaking well into the early morning hours. Two weeks later found both girls relieving themselves of their morning breakfasts at regular intervals. Buffy had griped about her spidey sense picking something up not of the norm and Willow had readily agreed. They made their way to HQ and went to go see the doctor they had on staff. Four hours later they had been given the news that both girls of the legendry Sunnydale gang were in fact with child.
One child each, a product of a very lust filled night. Willow couldn't explain the how and in her mind really didn't care. She was going to be a mom with Buffy. Few things rendered the redhead speechless. This was one of them. So they battled the 9 months of pregnancy together. Causing Xander to flee for his life on more than one occasion when the subject of their weight came up and Dawn had been the standby foot rubber when both got to big to bend over comfortably. The children were born on the same day at the same time and in the same room. One girl and one boy. The boy had shocked everyone; Willow had specifically said that because of the absence of the Y chromosome both children would indeed be female. Well, that's not how it turned out and regardless of the man hours logged to try and find the how or the why nothing came of the search.
Jumping ahead another eight years had found Willow rushing off to HQ to stop a server from crashing, Buffy calling off to stay home and attend to both of their children's illness. She looked in on the two and still couldn't believe how much of a mix they were between herself and Willow. Tara Joyce Summers had brilliant red hair and the complexion of her Willow with hazel eyes and the small nose of Buffy. Rupert Alexander Summers had the blonde hair and golden skin Buffy was known for, but the green eyes and impish grin so often found on her witch. Both children had been laid up for two days with the chicken pox and now were going to be entertained by their granddad.
"You two behave. I don't want to come back in here in an hour and find Grandpa Giles disheveled and needing an oxygen tank." She made the comment for Tara's benefit; the girl was a firecracker even when sick. The last time her granddad had visited she had him tied up and was playing the cowboy to his Indian, er, ah Native American, while supposedly sick from the flu. Needless to say Giles never did say how she managed to hog tie and blind fold him in under five minutes.
"We'll be good mommy promise. Pappap was just going to tell us story." Tara gave her mother a lopsided smile.
"As long as it's not a kissing story." Rupert made a face as if to throw up.
"I assure both of you this is not a kissing story. Why there are pirates, giants, evil kings, and revenge, torture, and monsters in the tale with which I am about to entertain you."
Buffy glanced over at her watcher and shrugged, "Cool with me just ya know, ixnay on the astpay."
"Quite all right." Giles smiled back.
"You guys need anything?"
All three shook their head no so Buffy turned to leave closing the door behind her.
Giles settled himself in the rocking chair between the two beds and reached for the book. "When I was your age television was called books and this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I unfortunately never had the chance to read it to your mothers. However, today I am going to read it to you.
Rupert perked up, "Does it have any sports in it?" He had been in this sports faze for nearly a year after his Aunt Faith had taken him to see a pro American football game. He had come back from the outing starry eyed and determined to one day play the sport.
Giles looked over at his grandson and smiled, "Are you kidding, why I just said it has fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love and miracles."
"It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake." Rupert dead panned.
Tara glared at her brother, "Ru. Come on it sounds great! Will you read it to us pappap?"
"Why certainly child." Giles took hold of Tara's hand and then looked pointedly at the boy, "Thank you very much, it's very nice of you to not fall asleep while I'm reading to you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."
Tara giggled at the sarcasm in her granddad's voice and turned to stick her tongue out at her brother.
"Alright, enough. Let's begin. The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern adapted by Rupert Giles for Tara and Rupert Summers. Chapter 1:
Buffy was raised on a small farm in the country of Sunnydale. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farmhand that worked there. Her name was Willow, but Buffy never called her that.
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"Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" Giles asked looked up from the book.
"Yeah it's really good." The young blonde rolled his eyes. Giles still couldn't get over the similarities of character between this young man and his slayer. The sarcasm with which he could carry on for such a young age astounded him.
"Rupert Alexander, don't make me tell mama on you." Tara warned.
"Why thank you dear. Should I continue?"
Rupert just shrugged and Tara nodded her head enthusiastically.
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Nothing gave Buffy as much pleasure as ordering Willow around.
"Farmhand, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."
"As you wish," replied Willow.
As you wish was all she ever said to her.
Everyday it was a different request and everyday Willow answered the same.
"Farmhand fill these with water," Buffy stood before Willow and waited half a beat before finally adding, "please?" For that day, Buffy had noticed Willow in ways that were not just as boss and worker.
Willow replied, "As you wish."
That day Buffy was amazed to discover that as Willow said 'as you wish' what she truly meant was 'I love you' and even more amazing was the day Buffy realized she truly loved her back.
"Farmhand fetch me that pitcher?" Buffy was standing chest to chest with the farmhand and thought she could see Willow's face flush.
Staring into Buffy's wide, hazel eyes, Willow moved closer to the blonde and brought the pitcher down off the hook and said, "As you wish."
Buffy was unable to contain her reaction and smashed their lips together. Willow dropped the pitcher and wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist. They melted in to one another and let the world fall away.
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"Hold it, hold it." Rupert interrupted. "What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?" he finished with narrow eyes.
Giles held up his hand and stopped Rupert's protests. "Wait just wait."
"Grandpa when's it get good?" the young boy whined.
"Keep your shirt on young man and let me continue."
*****************************************************
Willow had no money for marriage. So she packed her belongings and left the farm to seek her fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buffy.
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Rupert let out another sigh, "I don't believe this."
*****************************************************
Buffy and Willow were standing in front of the barn. Willow was set to take off this evening and neither one could seem to let go of the other.
"I fear I'll never see you again." Buffy confessed.
"Of course you will."
"What if something happens to you?"
Willow saw the concern and said the only thing she could think to try and make Buffy feel better. After all, it wasn't like she wanted to go, but she had to. She needed to earn more money than a farm job would pay so that she could make a life for the blonde like she felt Buffy deserved. "Hear this now, I will ALWAYS come for you."
"But how can you be sure?"
"This is true love. Do you think this happens everyday?" Willow held Buffy's chin and gave her love a smile that outshined the sun on it's brightest day.
Willow didn't reach her destination. Her ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts who never left captors alive. When Buffy got the news that Willow was murdered.
*****************************************************
"Murdered by pirates is good." Rupert interrupted.
"For goddess sake Rupert would you please shut up!?" Tara was quickly becoming annoyed with her brother.
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Buffy went in to her room, shut the door, and for days neither ate nor slept. She clutched her pillow and let the tears run down her cheeks and soak her dress and bed. "I will never love again."
Five years later the main square of Sunnydale was filled to hear the announcement of Prince William Blood's bride to be. He stood out over the people from a balcony on the castle. His robes were befitting his personality made of leather and darker fabrics. His blonde hair was slicked back and he let his piercing blue eyes roam over the town's people.
"My people, a month from now our country will have a 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourself, but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"
There was rousing yells from the crowd, but one could not discern whether it was supposed to be agreement or disproval.
"My people, the Princess Buffy!" The prince let out and extended his arms to the far side of the courtyard where Buffy was entering.
The day wore on and she was finally able to be alone. Her emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Prince Spike, as he was commonly referred to, the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Spike's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
She rode for what seemed like hours some days and this day was no different. She slowed the horse down as she happened upon a trio of men standing in the path. Two were normal height for men, but the other was some type of giant.
The sandy haired man stepped forward and bowed, "A word my lady. We are but poor lost circus performers. Is there a village near by?"
"There is nothing near by, not for miles."
The leader stepped forward and smiled lecherously, "Then there will be no one to here you scream."
The three advanced on her and in no time she was tied, gagged, and slung over the giant's shoulder.
The three plus their hostage walked along the path with the horse in tow. They came to the sea shore where a boat was docked. Riley turned to the horse and removed a shirt from his satchel. He proceeded to rip the arm off the garment and place it strategically on the princess's horse.
"What is that you're ripping?" The other man, whose name was Angel, stepped forward and asked.
"It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder." Riley said annoyed.
"Who is Gilder?" Xander the giant asked.
Riley whipped around to face the towering freak, "The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Sunnydale." Riley smacked the horse on the ass and sent it galloping towards the main part of the town. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed."
Xander looked worried, "You never said anything about killing anyone."
"I hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long glorious tradition," Riley bellowed.
Xander shrugged, "I just don't think it's right killing an innocent girl."
"Am I going mad or did the word think escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hipptomatic landmass!"
"I agree with Xander." Angel piped up.
Riley turned to Angel, "Oh, the sod has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her." Riley stepped into Angel's space and pointed a finger at his chest, "Never forget this. When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy! And you," turning to Xander, "were friendless, brainless, helpless, and hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Barstow!"
The two looked away chastised and moved to get the ship ready for departure. It was a small vessel, but big enough for their purposes. The day wore on and Buffy watched the interactions of her captors. She knew that Spike would have no trouble finding her. He was renowned the world over for his excellent tracking capabilities. She decided to not panic and bide her time.
Angel continuously made glances to the back of the ship and made rhyming games with the giant while not occupied. "That Riley, he can fuss." Angel smiled at the freak.
Xander winked and said, "Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream at us."
"Probably he means no harm."
"He's really very short on charm."
"You have a great gift for rhyme." Angel said clapping the giant on the back.
"Yes, yes, some of the time."
Riley glared at the two, "Enough of that."
"Xander, are there rocks ahead?" Angel asked.
"If there are, we all be dead." Xander let out flatly
"No more rhymes now, I mean it." Riley once again yelled at the two.
"Anybody want a peanut?" Xander let the corner of his mouth turn up in a smirk and he winked at the princess.
"DYEEAAHHHHHH." Riley yelled.
The day wore into night. The four ate in relative silence and Buffy found herself nodding off for some of the journey. She was startled awake by the sound of Riley's voice.
"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn." Riley was growing agitated by Angel continuously looking behind them. Fed up with the actions, he asked, "Why are you doing that?"
"Making sure nobody's following us."
"That would be inconceivable."
Buffy had to comment on that, "Despite what you think, you will be caught and when you are the prince will see you all hanged."
"Of all the necks on this boat hinness, the one you should be worrying about is your own." Riley replied. He noticed once again that Angel had looked back in to the night. "Stop doing that. We can relax, it's almost over."
"Are you sure nobody's following us?"
"As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Gilder knows what we've done and no one in Sunnydale could have gotten here so fast." He waited a moment and then doubt began to creep in. "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"
"Because I just happen to look behind us and something is there."
"What?" Riley stepped to the back of the boat and peered out into the night. In the distance he could make out the mast of a sail boat. Scowling he turned and tried his best to sound convincing, "Probably some local fisherman out for a cruise at night through eel infested waters."
Seeing her opportunity for escape, Buffy dove off the side of the boat. Admittedly it was harder to swim than she had thought, but she still refused to give up. She saw the three men come to the side of the boat and watched as Riley began to panic.
Riley shoved Angel, "Wh..oh...get in, go after her."
Angel shrugged, "I don't swim."
Riley shot a look to Xander. "I only dog paddle." Xander said apologetically.
"GAHHH!" Riley let out in frustration. "Veer left. Left! Left!" He yelled at the other two. Buffy watched as a cruel smile played at the corners of his mouth as shrill cries and shrieking could be heard. "Do you know what that sound is hinness? Those are the shrieking eels. If you don't believe me, just wait they always grow louder when their about to feed on human flesh." Just to make his point that much clearer, an eel burst from below the water 10 feet from Buffy. Riley smiled in satisfaction and said, "If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you." He folded his arms across his chest. "I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels."
Seeing her life grow shorter by the second, she conceded his point and tried to make her way towards the boat.
*****************************************************
"She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time." Giles said over the book.
Rupert looked incredulously at his granddad, "What?"
"The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you both look nervous."
Tara shook her head yes and Rupert fidgeted a little, then let the bravado show, "I wasn't nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing."
"Well, we could stop now if you want."
Both children let out, "No!" and the boy followed up with an embarrassed, "You could read a little more if you want."
Surrendering Giles went back to the story.
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"Do you know what that sound is hinness? Those are the shrieking eels."
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Tara interrupted, "You past that grandpa. You read it already."
"Oh, ah, oh my goodness I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. Alright" Giles said skimming the page, "Let's see she was in the water, the eels were coming after her, she was frightened, the eels started to charge her and then..."
*****************************************************
As a group of eels swam towards Buffy, Xander plucked her from the water depositing her safely on the deck of the boat.
Riley let out a sigh of relief. He couldn't go and have the girl muck up his plans, "Put her down."
The shrieking died down and the water returned to normal.
Angel placed a hand on Riley's shoulder in warning, "I think he's getting closer."
Riley shrugged him off, "He's no concern of ours. Sail on!" He turned his attentions back to the blonde, "I suppose you think your brave, don't you?"
Buffy stuck her chin out in defiance and then a look of sadness past over her face and she dropped her gaze. She brought it back up and locked eyes with her captor, "Only compared to some." She looked away again and let her memories draw her in.
Angel was hopping up and down a moment later pointing at the boat that had been following them, "Look, he's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using."
Riley shot Angel a look the clearly stated he was an idiot and said, "Who ever he is, he's too late. See!" Riley said pointing to the cliffs that were coming into view with the predawn light, "The cliffs of insanity. Hurry up! Move the thing!" Riley said pointing to the mast. Xander spun around not seeing where Riley was pointing. "No the other thing! Move it!" They moved to anchor the boat. Angel helped Buffy out of the boat and they began tying themselves together for the long climb ahead.
Riley looked back at the small sail boat that had been following them. "We're safe! Only Xander is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor."
Convinced of their clean get away, Riley tied himself to Xander and relaxed as the giant pulled all four of them up the side of the cliff. Angel was not so convinced of their escape. He continuously looked back and watched as the other boat docked and he saw a small figure in black begin to climb the rope much the same way Xander was.
Deciding to clue Riley in, Angel said, "He's climbing the rope and he's gaining on us."
Riley looked on in shock, "Inconceivable." He looked over Xander's shoulder and saw that Angel's words were true. He hit Xander on the shoulder and yelled, "Faster!"
Xander shot Riley a wounded look, "I thought I was going faster."
"You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great legendary thing and yet he gains."
"Well, I'm carrying three people and he's got only himself."
"I do not accept excuses. I guess I'll just have to find myself a new giant that's all."
"Don't say that Ri, please?"
They let it go for a moment, but Riley looked down and saw that the masked pursuer had closed the gap between them by another 100 feet. "Did I make it clear your job is at stake?"
They climbed higher and faster and finally struggled to the top of the cliff. Xander deposited each one on the ground and brushed his hands off. By this time the person following them had only but 30 feet to the top of the cliff. Riley handed Angel a knife and pointed to the rope they had secured around a boulder. Angel went over and began sawing through it. It took him a few moments, but he was nearly through. The last strings snapped and the rope slipped over the edge.
Everyone peered over the edge of the cliff expecting to see the black figure plummeting to his death. Instead, they all saw him clinging to the edge of the cliff some 20 feet below them.
Xander nodded his head appreciatively, "He's got very good arms."
Riley ran his fingers over his head in frustration, "He didn't fall? Inconceivable!"
Angel scrunched his eyebrows at his boss and said, "You keep using that word, but I don't think it means what you think it means." Angel chanced a glance over the cliff face once again and noticed the masked man was climbing up the cliff wall using only his hands.
Riley flailed out his arms, "He's obviously seen us with the princess and therefore must die. You," Riley pointed to Xander, "help carry her. We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. You," pointing to Angel, "catch up when he's dead. If he falls fine, if not the sword."
Angel nodded in agreement and removed his sword from his scabbard to warm up. Slashing at the air, he said, "I'm going to do him left handed.
Riley sighed, "You now what a hurry we're in."
"It's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right," he shrugged, "over to quickly."
"Have it your way." Riley said turning to leave.
Xander stepped up to his friend and placed a concerned hand on his shoulder, "You be careful. People in masks can not be trusted." He turned and threw Buffy over his shoulder.
Riley turned around and yelled, "I'm waiting!"
Angel watched as the three made there way around the corner and out of site. He sighed and continued to parry with his sword. Patience never being something he had in abundance went over to the side of the cliff and looked down. "Hello there. Slow going?"
The masked pursuer looked up as they hung from the face of the cliff, "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."
"Sorry."
"Thank you."
Angel turned away and continued to warm up. A minute later he was back at the edge of the cliff. "I don't suppose you could speed things up?"
The masked individual looked back up, exasperation clearly written over the visible features of their face, "If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."
"I will do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am waiting around to kill you."
"That does put a damper on our relationship."
"I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top." Angel said hopeful.
"That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you will have to wait."
Angel put his hands on his hips trying to think of something to say that would get the person up here quicker, "I give you my word as an Irishman."
"No good" The pursuer grunted out as they hoisted themselves up another foot. "I've known too many Irish."
"Is there anyway you would trust me?"
"Nothing comes to mind."
Angel looked down and caught the green eyes of the person below, "I swear on the soul of my father Arrelius Liam, you will reach the top alive."
With a shaking head, the climber said, "Throw me the rope."