Thirteen Steps -9- Crimes
by Valyssia
Lament
[reviews]
Description: Season 8 - This is about as dark as fiction can get without straying completely from the established characters. The first subject is abuse, how we treat those who are different from us. I would hope that it might prompt more open mindedness. The second issue I discuss is how far is too far? At what point does a person become un-salvageable? It's a hard hitting combination that leaves a mess in its wake.
Disclaimer: Buffy, Willow and all things Slayer belong to Joss Whedon and the good folks at Mutant Enemy.
Lyrics: Tool - Aenima - h.
Feedback: Any and all reviews will be welcomed. Feel absolutely free to tell me just how much you think I...ummm...errr...inhale sharply.
The snake behind me hisses what my damage could have been. My blood before me begs me open up my heart again. And I feel this coming over like a storm again. I am too connected to you to slip away, to fade away. Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me, and considerately killing me.
No one ever noticed her unless she made her presence known. Just another dirty kid from the streets...no past...no future...nameless... In truth, she was comfortable with this life, making her way from place to place; blending in with the masses; staying off the radar. Tonight, it was Glasgow. Tomorrow, who knows? As far south as chance would carry her...
Another town...another crummy broken down building...the hunger was the worst part. Sometimes her luck would run well and she'd have plenty to eat. Others, well, it could be worse, I suppose. I could be home. Like, that's how I feel about that place. Guess I just lack a better word for it. Hell, maybe? But...I could be hell... Just doesn't mean the same thing.
Zay hurried through the dreary, darkening alleys in search of shelter. Night was when they came out. Not that they were really a huge deal, but the confrontation always drew unwanted attention. Last time I almost ended up having to run from the damned cops...don't need that... I'm better off on my own. Always moving is better...no two nights under the same roof...travel as much as the day will allow... She ducked into the doorway of an abandoned building. "Hope...the alone thing works here. No tellin'...maybe..." she mumbled to herself as she began to climb the rickety old staircase.
Ascending three flights, she made her way into what looked to be a long abandoned apartment. The air was musty and smelled of decay. As she opened a door, dust showered her. "Yeah, this'll do...no one's been here in ages," she mused, fluffing out her black, shoulder length hair with her hands to clear the dirt. Pulling off her pack, she lay on the floor, using it as a pillow. What I wouldn't give for a night in a real bed. Been a long damned time. She eventually drifted off, listening to the sounds of the city.
Waking to the first light of day, Zay made her way onto the street and set off south again. At the first business that offered a public restroom, she made her way in and freshened up. Exiting the lavatory, she noted that the attendant looked to be pretty much occupied with customers. Time to knick breakfast... She pocketed a couple of granola bars and a bottle of soda in her coat and hit the street, hoping no one had noticed. A man's voice called out behind her.
"Oi! Kid, you plannin' to pay fer dem?" The attendant yelled after her.
Zay replied by breaking into a full run. Focus, she told herself. You feel pain. She sensed him falling back as the discomfort built. Another block or two and off the main street, I should be fine to rest and eat. Ducking between two buildings, she stopped to take a drink and have a bite.
Luck's not so bad today. Not hungry, a couple of hours spent walking and I managed a ride. Zay looked over at the driver of the car she'd gotten into, sizing her up. Hummm...witch...powerful one too. Pretty...well moneyed...not surprising, most witches take what they need, she shrugged slightly, not enough to notice through the layers of clothing.
"So where you headed?" The witch asked conversationally.
Zay glanced over at her. "South."
"As directions go...that's not a bad one. What's your name?" the witch asked, glancing over to smile.
"Zay."
The witch gave the young girl a knowing glance and said, "Pretty...is it a nickname? I'm Willow."
"Zayin," replied the girl in a flat, disinterested tone.
Willow raised an eyebrow. "Really? You mean like the Hebrew letter Z?"
"Exactly like that...Zayin Daleth."
Willow chuckled, giving the girl an amused glance, "So your name is ZD, or eleven depending on how I translate it?"
"That would be it," Zay responded in the same flat voice. Unusual...to find someone that actually knows enough Hebrew to recognize my name. Oh well...she knows it's not my name...hope she gets used to it...'cause it's all she's gettin'.
"Are you hungry, Zay? I was just heading home. If ya want, you'd be welcome." Not so much for the talking, this one. Wonder what the story is? She feels sorta confused and lonely...frightened too... Looks like she could use a bath and some clothes...otherwise...well... Gotta figure her folks are looking for her. If she's 18...I'm 40...
Zay sighed. "Suit yourself." Another one that wants to take care of the stray...figures... Well, once she understands, I'll be back on the street. Game always plays that way.
They drove the rest of the way in silence. Pulling into the garage, Willow said, "Let me go in first. You can hang out in the training room. Need to let my girlfriend know we have company. We don't get much here, so...well..."
Zay nodded to confirm she understood and sat down on a pommel horse. Weird place...really nice, but...weird... Wonder which one of them's the athlete. Willow looks like she definitely works out, but not like this...
"Buffy, we have company, sweetie," Willow called out as she passed through the archway.
Buffy was slumped on the couch playing with her notebook and absently petting her puppy; she looked utterly bored. "Really?" She glanced expectantly at the witch, sitting up and casting the computer onto the coffee table.
"You can come in, Zay," Willow called over her shoulder.
Zay walked into the room, looking around at the house. "Nice place."
"Thanks...I'm Buffy." The Slayer stood up and offered a hand to her guest, holding the excited puppy in the other. She quietly mouthed the words to open her thoughts to the witch. Will, hon...What gives? Where'd you find this one? She looked the girl over. If she's 16, I'd be amazed. She was wearing a dirty, torn black duster that made her look like she'd been tented. The rest of her clothing, from what Buffy could assess, was in a similar state of wear and filth. The girl was dirty faced and ragged looking. I bet she's been on the road for a while now.
Pretty much...you know what I know... I just couldn't pass her by. Looks like she could use a hand. Willow shrugged and stooped to pick up her puppy. Lakta appeared way too interested in the newcomer, starting to bark and growl. Sorry sweetie.
Will...she's not a puppy... You do know that, right? A slight smirk crossed Buffy's face and faded just as quickly as it appeared.
Yeah...got that... Least we can feed her... "Zay, you're totally welcome to make yourself at home. If you want a bath, I can find you something to wear that's a bit cleaner, maybe?" Willow inquired, hoping she wasn't being too pushy. I know I'd want a bath.
Zay was wandering around the living area taking in all of the odd items. "Cool motorcycle. Which one of you rides?"
"I do," Buffy responded, pausing a moment to consider what to say next. "Look, Zay...it's a bit unusual, but if you need a place to crash for a few days... I can call the castle and see if they'll give you a room. Sound good?"
"Castle?"
"Yes, as in citadel...you know...that feudal society thing...huge stone building," Buffy winked at Willow, grinning softly. "Up to you...no big either way."
Willow set off for the loft, letting her puppy down. Lakta rounded on Zay, growling and whining. "I'm just going to assume you said yes to the bath, Zay. I'll set something out on the counter upstairs. You get ready...go up."
"I can't," Zay replied firmly. I want to, but well... Girlfriend has really strange eyes...weird...something not... It's not worth it, but she doesn't seem quite...well, there's something not right about her.
Willow asked, "Why?" before she could stop herself. Well, so much for that tact thing.
"Look, we aren't going to hurt you. It's all good...I swear... We just need to know what you need. Might be able to help. If you don't want help, then I can show you out. No harm...no foul," Buffy concluded with a slight shrug. Kid's been abused Will... I can tell just from how she's acting. Need to be gentle. Let her choose. Go get some clothes out, but pick stuff that's really baggy like what she's wearing. She might be trying to hide...well, something bad.
Yeah...got that... Just want help too badly...well, you know. Willow continued upstairs and started to sort through clothing. Looks like she's about your size...I don't have much that...well, I've kinda been the same size for a while now so... But my stuff should be large-ish on her.
Zay sat down at the breakfast bar and looked out the window. She ignored the puppy that had started to tug at her coat, yipping and growling excitedly. The other puppy was still keeping her distance, acting nervous.
"Can I make you some food?" Buffy asked, trying to feel useful. "Chakti, be a good girl. Sorry about that. Puppies...well...not so much with the manners."
"Sure...whatever... Look, I don't want to be any trouble. Maybe I should just go. I'll be fine. I swear," Zay responded, looking around anxiously again.
Buffy walked up to the young girl and put her hand on her shoulder. Feeling her flinch at the touch, she withdrew. "Sorry," she said in a soft voice. "Look...it's no trouble...just relax. We won't ask anything you aren't willing to give." Strange...her shoulder didn't feel...well... It's weird...
Huh?
Does she feel human to you, Wills?
She has a soul...I can feel that much... Demons don't have souls, Buffy. So, yeah...only other thing is...ensouled vampires... Daylight...not a vamp... She's really scared of something. Otherwise...not so much... Willow walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs.
"Zay...this is prolly going to seem like the weirdest thing ever. I want you to watch something. Don't freak on me...something tells me it'll make you feel better once you think about it." Buffy stood up and walked over to the area of the living room that was overlooked by the loft. She took two steps and was gone; a moment later she reappeared by the coffee table.
Zay watched this, tracking the movement. The result was exactly the opposite Buffy had hoped for. The girl tried to leave and found the Slayer in her path.
"You're part demon, aren't you?" Buffy asked frankly, blocking the young girl's attempt to leave. "It's the only thing that makes any sense. It's cool...yeah... I'm a slayer. I don't kill innocent people though. So stay innocent and you'll be safe as houses here."
Looking beside herself, Zay did the only thing she could, besides fight. She walked back to the breakfast bar and sat down. "Yes, my father was a demon, my mother was human."
"Cool...haven't run into one of you in a long time. Rare thing...that... Most species...not so much with the mixy... Last one was all kinda evil and hard as hell to kill. Guessin' you're not...much more human looking too. Were the lumps I felt through your coat wings, maybe?" Buffy returned to the kitchen, washing her hands and starting to pile food out of the fridge. "Omelet sound good? My cooking skills are... Well, this'll be safe..."
"Yes, errr...and sure," Zay looked stunned. A slayer and she...well... I thought slayers killed demons.
"Now that the cat's outta the bag...go get a bath, Zay... No one will... Well you have wings? Not really all that outta place...at least not here. Can you fly?" Willow asked with genuine interest.
"Yes...but the wings have almost nothing to do with it," Zay replied with a sigh, walking up the stairs to bathe. Strange people, she considered, shaking her head.
Still think she was abused, Will. ...And now we know why. Buffy shrugged as she tipped a fork into the egg she was cooking.
Pretty much... Let's get her settled in up at the castle. She needs a place, and this...well this is as good as it gets. There's a lot more story there, but we need to take our time with her. She could bolt if we push. She may bolt anyway...her stress meter's spiked.
Buffy nodded, continuing to play with the egg, appearing pensive and distant. Wonder what else she can do? She doesn't move like a normal person...that's for sure.
"No telling...depends on the sorta demon we're talkin'. Anyway...I'll call Xander and arrange a place for her. I'm thinking up with Satsu and the more experienced girls...just in case we're wrong," Willow offered, wandering over to pick up the phone.
"Sounds like a plan...think my old room's still open. Suggest it. Pretty decent digs...might help to make her feel... Well...at home? Not sure whether home is a word she'd like." Buffy gave the omelet a flip with a flourish of her wrist. Plating Zay's breakfast she shoved it into the oven to keep warm.
"Yeah..." Willow replied absently, already concentrating on the phone.
***********
Several days passed. Buffy was a bit surprised that Zay had stuck around. The reactions of a few of the younger slayers had been less than accommodating. She found herself having to point out to them that she was in charge, a fact that seemed to satisfy. Having to make it clear was annoying though. In response, she found all sorts of fun things for them to do to keep busy and out of her way.
Zay seemed to be responding to her. Willow had tried, but something about her just made the girl increasingly nervous. This was so unusual it raised more questions. Willow's normally the one people respond to. Maybe it's a demon thing? Though, the majority of demons are naturally magickally immune so...makes no sense. As a result, Buffy found herself spending evenings with the new arrival just trying to puzzle out what exactly she was. They were no closer to answering any of the questions, especially the obvious one. What sort of demon?
On the positive side, she'd observed a short laundry list of abilities. The girl was hella strong on a level that would give most slayers real trouble. She'd managed to pick a play fight with her, and it was pretty impressive. She definitely knew how to defend herself. Could be useful if she decides to stay on. Like she said, flying...a major thing... and she used it well in her attacks. I get the feeling there's some magicks there too. I've felt her try to touch me that way and then recoil when I sensed it.
Anyway, Wills and I went out shopping and came home with a couple of suitcases full of clothing for her. We mixed between stuff that would allow her to hide and stuff that would let her reveal what she is...and, well, be comfortable. I can't imagine keeping wings tucked up to your back all the time... It can't feel good.
Buffy knocked on the door to her old room and heard its occupant invite her inside. I'm getting predictable...need to stop that, she considered, looking at her watch. She spends all of her time in here. I had to actually ask a couple of the girls to make sure she had regular meals...picked a few of the more open minded ones for the job. Paid them with slightly reduced duties and enough pocket cash to fold. Guess it scared her when the others freaked.
Entering the room, Buffy walked around the couch, taking in the girl's appearance. She's really changed...not so much with the hiding thing. Zay wore a tight white undershirt that allowed her leathery crimson wings to fold out over her shoulders. The Slayer noted that they were looking healthier. When she'd first seen them, they were really ugly...being pressed into a shape for so long had made them look bruised and shriveled. They were kinda pretty now.
Her black hair was pulled back from her face exposing sharply pointed ears and short, delicate red spines along the back of her jaw line. The crimson strips of scaled skin on the exposed part of her chest picked up the light and seemed to shimmer. They ran from her collarbones over her shoulders and onto her back on one side and down her chest on the other, meeting in the front in a rough v shape between her breasts. What is it about people that makes them look at something different and immediately wonder how far those differences run?
Zay glanced up expectantly at the Slayer.
"You're looking loads better. Nice to see," Buffy offered, sitting at the other end of the couch against the arm so she could face the young woman.
"Feel better...thanks," Zay turned her attention from the television, pressing the power button on the remote. "And how're you?"
"Oh, 'bout the same. We're planning a mission for tomorrow night, so I'm not sure I'll get around to see ya. May come earlier in the day," Buffy replied, shrugging slightly as she settled into the couch. She continued to appraise the appearance of the girl. The change was almost startling. The first time I saw her I'd have never been able to remember what color her eyes were. They're remarkably green. Almost like mine...too green to be human. I guess there are just things the mind slips over because it sees what it expects to.
"A mission, really? Seems like you do a lot of that." Zay appeared somehow aloof and interested at the same time.
The effect made Buffy slightly uneasy. "Yeah...well, it comes with the job," she replied frankly, crossing her arms over her chest. She seemed a lot less relaxed than when she first sat down. She'd been telling the story of her years in Sunnydale in the hope that sharing would promote trust. She found herself tempted to continue when an odd sensation interrupted the thought. The words, "You want me," hung in her mind. She stood up, backing away from the couch.
"No...no...I really don't," Buffy said in a flat tone, resisting the impulse. She forcefully closed her mind. Thanks, Wills, she mused to herself.
Appearing hurt, Zay turned to face the television again, playing with the remote.
Oh...Kay... So, suggestion...charming...another skill for the list... Full of fun surprises...this one... "Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I mean...it's not that you're trollsome...well, you know..." Buffy offered, moving in front of the television. "I just can't...Wills and all. Besides, something tells me...it'd be really wrong even if..."
"Wrong? How's it wrong for two people who find each other attractive to have sex? Not sure I follow," Zay replied, looking almost angry. "You want me and you know it. Would you be more comfortable if I looked like this?" She stood up, moving toward the Slayer.
Buffy backed up, watching in mild disbelief as the girl's features shifted. She found herself looking at Willow. Every detail was correct; the only flaw was the wings.
"Or maybe this?" Zay pressed in a soft, sultry voice, moving slowly forward as the Slayer backed away.
Again a shift, it was fluid; almost like watching one of those morph things on the computer, but subtler. Buffy watched, as bones seem to move and grow under the girl's skin, she was aghast when she found herself staring at Angel. "Stop that, or I'm leaving. Now!" she said in a harsh voice. "Look, I dunno what your deal is, but...helping? Not so much. Put yourself back." She bumped into the television, nearly knocking it off the stand. No wonder she makes the girls nervous. I'm about to smack the shit outta her myself.
Zay returned to her true form, appearing further wounded for the effort. She walked over to the couch and flopped back down. Wow...the witch has been teaching her.
And shape shifting or glamour...not getting close enough to figure which... Check. How'd she know what Angel looked like? Well this one's got the surprises. "You gonna talk to me, or do I need to leave?" Buffy inquired in a firm, quiet voice. "If we're going to make with the talking, I'll sit down. Otherwise... Night. It's been interesting."
"Suit yourself...either way," Zay replied, standing to make her way to the bed, she laid down on her side. Propping her head in her hand, she surveyed the Slayer with open interest. "You know, most people... Well, it's rare for someone to resist that."
Buffy sat on the arm of the couch, facing the other woman. She was hard pressed to call her a girl at this point. Nothing girl-like about this one... Had she really been Angel? The thing that disturbed her most was that she was certain it was Angel in ever way...she even smelled like him. Wonder how that works... I mean look at her...obviously way female. The Slayer paused, trying to find a way to put it delicately, "So...gotta ask... If you could do that...why were you living...?"
"Like street trash? That what you're looking for?" Zay interjected in a flat, emotionless tone.
"Yeah...I mean... Doesn't make sense. You could've been...well...anything...to just about anyone. Am I right?" Buffy queried, appearing genuinely curious.
"I was for a long time, but...then... Well...it's a long story," Zay replied, still watching the Slayer with a look of mild curiosity.
Buffy smiled warmly. "I have all night. If you're willing...I'll listen. How old are you, anyway? I thought I knew, but now...not so much."
"I'm 16," Zay answered frankly.
"So you say 'a long time'...what do you mean by that? Can't be that long." She looked pensively at the young woman. Weird...she was a child...she is a child... That's not really fair though...
"I was 11 when I ran away from home. My mother hated me. She didn't want me there. Something about finding God and having a daughter that looked like the devil. Didn't mix so well. She was really cruel. I have the scars to prove it. I used to wake up in the middle of the night...she'd be standing over me trying some new thing...some new ritual to free her daughter from the demon. Funny...she just didn't get it. She'd have to kill me to get her wish. I sorta am the demon. The last time...well...it took me weeks to heal." Zay sat up, lifting her shirt to reveal a lattice of scars on her chest and stomach. It looked like someone had tried to flay her and failed.
"And you let her do that to you?" Buffy looked horrified.
"Well, yeah...at the time I thought she might actually want to help me. It's not like half demon is something really appealing...in terms of the living with it. I wanted to be normal...whatever that is... I wanted more than anything to make her happy. To be loved. So I let her do...so she'd love me." Zay rolled onto her stomach and started to weep into the pillow.
Buffy sat on the arm of the couch, watching. She was clueless. Staring at Zay's back, she could make out fine scars at the base of the wing that faced her. She tried to cut them off? Looks like she failed...nice try and all. Sick bitch. She was torn between wanting to offer comfort to a person in pain and knowing that if she did it might lead to more games. Waiting for Zay to settle, she kept her distance. After a long pause, she finally asked, "So where'd you go?"
Chuckling softly, Zay cleared the tears with the backs of her hands. She seemed to harden, becoming more detached. Wearing a wry grin she continued, "Well, you know...the whole bleeding to death thing...doesn't make you very mobile. I woke up the next day to a bed soaked in blood. I was weak. My mom had just sorta left for work like nothing was wrong. Finding myself alone, I did my best to dress the wounds. It looked like I'd butchered a pig in the bathroom when I got done. One of the neighbors had been nice to me despite everything, so I went there to stay with him and his wife."
By the time she concluded, Zay spoke in a voice that was so devoid of emotion it gave Buffy a chill. "Did they take you to a hospital?" she asked, trying to keep the story moving and be engaging. She can't face this stuff head on. Sorta looks like she's talking about someone else. Not surprising, but really tough to watch. Knew it would be, she reminded herself.
"Nope...they were both registered nurses, so... They just took care of me themselves while I healed. They worked different shifts, so one of them was always there," Zay replied, matter-of-factly.
"You sound like you're from the states. How'd you end up here?" Buffy asked, curiously. Not gonna change the subject, but I need a break and she needs to... Something different...she needs a breather... There's more...she was 11 at this point.
"Oh...Mom was in the military so...we traveled lots. I've been all over. Liked Germany the best. I was sorta headed there when I met you. I've got this thing for languages...speak a bunch of 'em. German's fun....very confounded... You know they don't so much make new words. Instead they just stack the old ones. So you end up with all these guttural sounding tongue-twisters...fun..." Zay smiled, staring pensively at the Slayer.
"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," Buffy offered, giving the young woman an attentive gaze. "You were talking about the healing. Surely you didn't just stay with those people. I mean, your mom was just down the street and all."
"I did... I was with them until a few months ago."
"What changed? Oh, and... You said they were married?" Buffy looked a bit befuddled. Something's not adding up here. Like, totally bad math...
"Yeah, they were married. Lots changed... Sorta works that way with the time passing thing." Zay turned on the bed to face the Slayer. Lying on her stomach, she took her face in her hands and started to thump the bed with her feet.
She looks like a little girl again...really deceptive... Hard to tell who she'll be one minute to the next. The wings are a total trip. Buffy watched with interest as she flexed them. Spreading them out to their full extent, they brushed the bedposts.
Zay winked at Buffy, collecting her thoughts, she continued, "Yeah...they were married...in the paper sense. Like the, we file our taxes together, sorta thing. They were, well, I suppose you'd say witches, but not like Willow. Not the Wiccan type. They were both pretty mundane...enough real magick between them to fill a thimble. The thing that made them different was the sheer amount of work they put into practices and rites. They were compulsive...belonged to this..." Zay snickered slightly to herself, and then regained her composure. "This...secret society of sorts. Not very good at being secret. Type in a coupla words into a search engine and you'll find pages and pages on them."
"Yeah, well...lots of secrets have their own homepage. Learned volumes about that from Willow," Buffy shared the snicker, looking genuinely amused.
"Anyway...the man, Gary...had this thing for young girls. Claimed it was in his will to work with them magickally. The majority of the magickal rites were sexual. Tantric sex and that sorta thing... So...I went from having no place... Not being loved at all...to being something special, but in a way...well... I was 11. Sex wasn't something I'd ever considered. Back then, I used my gift to get what I wanted occasionally...you know...like cookies and shit. They used me for years...to get what they wanted. Money, power, place...moving up...using me... And I was too naïve to see it. Being loved and cared for was enough...or at least I thought they loved me."
Back with the horror...why's this sorta stuff always seem to find me? I knew it'd be bad, Buffy reminded herself as she did her best to pick her jaw up off the floor. "So, you lost your virginity at 11?"
"Yes," Zay replied, dropping her feet to the bed and folding her wings to her back.
"You do know that's... Well...that's rape...and child abuse...and a couple of other things...evil, for one," Buffy replied, looking disgusted.
"I know... Why do you think I disappeared the way I did?" Zay offered, considering the Slayer.
She looks 25 now...weird... Chameleon...didn't notice it at first. Guess the flirting made me really look. "I can imagine, but I'd rather you just tell me."
"Well, the reason I left is different than the reason I hid. I left because I fell in love. I hid because I know too much and these are not nice people. You mighta gotten that from...well..."
"Wait...huh? You fell in love with one of them?" Buffy looked confused again.
"No. Someone else. I'm getting way ahead of myself. Anyway...I lived with them for years. Gary built false walls and floors into the places we lived. I'd hide when they had people over. It was like I literally disappeared. Cassie, his wife...wanted nothing to do with me at first. I thought she was jealous. I guess it was just that I was too young. One of them had a bit of moral fiber. That changed, as I got older. They both used to me do rites. I was even openly referred to as a piece of ritual equipment in front of people they knew. I was a thing... Anyway, they got a lot more powerful for the effort...at my expense. We moved lots...as they grew more wealthy, they wanted nicer things." Zay paused to shift back onto her side, taking her head into her hand.
Buffy made eye contact with the young woman. A look of revulsion passed over her face. She hoped that Zay didn't take it the wrong way. I can almost relate to part of that...definitely not all of it...but the whole being seen as a thing... The Chosen One...the Watcher's Council treated me that way. No thought for the person I was...just a tool...something to use to show what big men they were. They expected me to just give myself to them in about the same way.
"So, they took me to a few festivals...magickal gatherings...over the years. The last one went badly for them. Someone took interest in me. I guess I just looked too young and they weren't offended by the demon thing or...who knows... We were doing this long, really painful, tedious rite to invoke Shiva. The tent was open to whoever wanted to walk in...little weird. Anyway, it worked...the council of elders heard the story, and out of embarrassment or whatever...they forced Gary and Cassie to separate. Cassie was made to take me with her. We didn't get along at all, but I went because I had to. No choice...or so I thought."
"Did things get better for you then? I mean...were you...used less? I guess...not sure how to put it." Buffy looked embarrassed for asking. This is so far outside anything...well...wow... Normal? Not so much. Wills told me a little bit about mundane people who seek power through meditation and sometimes well...sex. 'Cause of the energy...lots of it to be manipulated... Never thought I'd actually...
"I got lonelier. I'd get picked up to use when Gary needed me. Otherwise...Cassie pretty much ignored me. She was pissed. We went from living pretty well...to living in a small...well...it's a kindness to call it a house. Gary kept most of the money, and Cass didn't have enough to file for a divorce. She went back to work, and we lived on a modest stipend and what she could make. Things were so broken that Cass started looking for a handyman to come fix stuff. She wanted someone she could manipulate because of me. I was a total liability to her." Zay sighed loudly. Looking a bit bored, she got up and made her way to the refrigerator. "Want something to drink?"
"Sure...whatever," Buffy followed her across the room with her eyes. Accepting the bottle of water, she stood up and stretched. Got so wrapped up in the story that well...ouch... She moved to the desk chair, swinging it around so she could sit in it backwards with her forearms on the chair back. She took a drink of water and waited for Zay to settle and continue.
"So, yeah...where was I? Ahhh...the handyman...well not handyman... It was a chick she met through some ex-lover. Someone she'd worked magicks with. I didn't get to meet her for months. Had to hide while she was there. I listened. The first night she showed, I wondered about her. I mean, I knew she had to be lesbian or bi just from the source. Pretty promiscuous crowd, so... It tracked."
"The thing is, this woman said, 'no' to Cass and she was really trying to work it. I grew a lot of respect for the woman right then. As sexual predators go...Cass is top of the food chain...really beautiful...gets what she wants. That respect increased as I listened. This woman was smart, but not so much in a book smart way. Sorta worldly and naïve in the same breath. She'd had her teeth kicked in by life and it was obvious. Sort of a farm girl vibe...keep in mind, I had no clue what she looked like. I used to imagine...she actually fascinated me that much."
"As I listened, Cass managed to seduce her finally. I was a bit disappointed, but it took her weeks. More respect...she wanted to get to know her. Still sorta made me...I dunno... It seemed like if she'd really watched, she should've seen some of the cruelty. She might have. I never asked. By the time I met her, Cass had pretty much managed to twist things. She was good at that. You see, this woman was not what you'd call normal. In fact, she was what they'd call perfect." Zay sighed again, pausing to take a sip of water.
"Perfect?" Buffy appeared genuinely curious. "What's perfect?"
Zay winked, her face warmed as a soft grin covered her features. "Did you know that the Hindu god Brahman is gender neutral? The highest god in their pantheon is beyond the role of gender. Perfection is balance...there's no greater balance than being sexually and physically ambiguous...androgynous... It's not just the Hindu religion either... It's a theme. Hermes and Aphrodite had a child and named it Hermaphrodite. A child of such beauty, the gods wept."
"I suppose that makes some sorta sense. Has to be confusing though. All I know about that stuff is that well...the meditations can be...what others might find painful. I'm a bit different. Pain isn't something that affects me the same way," Buffy offered, staring pensively at Zay. "So this woman was not so much a woman?"
"Oh no...she was definitely female. More so than I am, but then you got that. I'm not normal...whatever that is... It's that whole demon thing. Whatever the powers might be...not so sure I buy that there's a god or whatever... Nature...knew I was a freak from the start. I'm completely neutral...what you'd call a hermaphrodite. I'm sterile...Lynne wasn't... She was something else." Zay paused waiting for the effect of this information to pass. "Yeah...most folks find the idea unsettling."
"So, what was Lynne? How can you be a third thing? I'm having trouble imagining the three...there's something else beyond the three?" Buffy appeared perplexed and distant.
"Lynne was manipulated while she was forming. She started off a healthy human female, and her mother had big problems while she was developing. A tumor made her different. Cancer...one of the greatest evils... It takes the normal and healthy and twists it into something grotesque."
"I know about that. My mother died because of a brain tumor." Buffy took on a sullen air.
"I'm sorry. Look, if you want to quit, we can pick this up tomorrow. I sorta owe you. You deserve to understand it all. I know it's weird and pretty hard to get your mind around." Zay gave the Slayer a concerned glance.
"No, it's okay. Finish...the cancer thing's just a touchy subject." Buffy took in the look of concern. I think that's a first. She's not so much for the sympathy, and it's no wonder. After all that, most folks have to look like total wusses to her.
"Lynne was different. We sorta understood each other without saying much. Similar things, I guess. You can imagine...well maybe you can't, but try. You go to the hospital to have your son or daughter. Happy day for most folks... What's the first thing people ask about a new baby?"
"Dunno...I suppose, is it a boy or a girl?" Buffy looked thoughtfully at the young woman.
"That would be it. What if you couldn't answer that question? In my case, they couldn't even tell my mom what I was. Huge stress to put on a new mother...from what I've read, it's stressful anyway. You toss in a wild card like that and things go quickly to hell. Some parents would probably ask if the baby's healthy and be grateful for that. Lynne's mom did, but she died when Lynne was pretty little, leaving her alone. She almost ended up in the system. Anyway, the whole thing shattered her family. It shattered mine too. I'm actually grateful that mom kept me until I was able to sort of fend for myself. I mean, yeah...it was bad. There are scars. Lynne and I will never be normal. We both understand what it means to hate yourself with perfect clarity. Blame yourself for breaking a family apart." Zay got up. Walking over to the Slayer, she held out her arms.
"You did this?" Buffy looked over the thick scars that started at Zay's wrists and moved all the way up to her bicep. Perfectly uniform, evenly spaced, broad and obviously deep when they were made. No wonder baggy clothes are a thing with her...I thought those were just markings like her chest and back.
"I started cutting when I was really young. Mom doing that to me was well, just sorta the last straw." She walked back to the bed, flopping on her side, taking her head in her hand again.
Zay gave another wry grin. "Lynne was a bit different, but not so much. She used fire. Cigarette burns when she got older, other stuff earlier. Mental torture tends to manifest. She also had a few really nasty motorcycle wrecks as a result of the not caring. That's why I was so interested in which one of you rode. That's a Lynne thing. She likes really fast motorcycles. Back to the story...it's getting late and I expect you'd like to be home with Willow."
Buffy smiled warmly, waiting for Zay to continue. At least she took the hint, she relaxed slightly at the thought.
"It's cool, Buffy... I do get the love thing. Not used to the monogamy part is all. Not like I've seen a ton of it. I'm 16 and I've been with at least 30 different people." Zay returned the smile.
Buffy mouthed the number 30; it took a moment for her to calm again. Finally she replied, "I'm pretty much over it if you are."
Zay got up and gently took the Slayer's hand, making eye contact. "You should know after what I've been through...what I've seen... Well...what I offered...what it meant... It just left me a bit spun when you said no. I respect it though. I understand why." Letting go, she made her way back to the bed, lying down on her stomach with a pillow under her chest.
Buffy watched Zay as she moved into place. I guess I do understand. It's just really weird. She really cares for me. Funny, she looks like a kid again. I care for her too, but even if things were loads different I'd never... Wonder how old Lynne was? She ran this through her mind once more and finally asked, "So, what happened to Lynne?" Was Lynne really no better than Gary or Cass? Is it fair to place her in the same pile? Well, one thing's certain; I'm going to have to be totally honest with Will. It may hurt her. Hope not...
"Nothing...I suppose she's fine. No idea...I was sorta thrown out in the middle of the night. I had no clue how to get in touch with her, so I just left. I was afraid Gary would come after me or worse..."
"By the time I met Lynne, she was pretty much a mess. Cass had been screwing with her. Lynne had been operated on. The surgery was to correct... Well, you can guess. Anyway, she was all sorts of screwed up. It was pretty close to the kind of mutilations you hear about in the Middle East where they practice female circumcision. So Cass took this, and started feeding her this bullshit line about having a second chakra problem. The second chakra's the sexual one."
"Yeah...Will's talked about chakras and stuff with me. Anyway, I understand," Buffy offered, considering what Zay had said. This doesn't sound like any 16-year-old kid I've ever known. I mean, they have their problems, but this is a total nightmare. She could be 16 going on 30. She looked at the young woman again. She almost looks 30 now...must be the tired. Yeah...she's really deceptive. I'm gonna guess that Lynne didn't know her real name or age. Hell...I don't know her real name. Doubt she plans to tell me.
Zay smiled. It looked almost sincere and close to sympathetic. "I think Cass was just pissed off. She was mad that I liked her new toy. Worse, she was more upset that this new toy was too broken to be useful. In sex magicks, if you can't orgasm... you may as well give up."
Buffy blushed. "I'm not sure I wanted to know that."
"Sorry." Zay did her best impression of a sympathetic smile again, trying to comfort the Slayer. "Lynne and I spent a lot of time talking while Cass was at work. I knew from what I heard that she'd want to actually know me. I respected that. I told her about my life and she shared hers. It was pretty horrible. She'd been abused as badly as I was, but it was different. Again...we just sorta understood each other. Our relationship finally moved on. Cass knew it did, but she didn't ask. She just treated us both like crap. She continued to insist that Lynne was hers and got what she wanted, finally. I fixed her broken toy for her. All it took was a little love and compassion. Two things Cass is clueless about."
"So what happened?" Buffy could feel an end coming.
"Cass finally asked. Lynne didn't lie to her. She said she was in love with me. Cass was pissed. She threw Lynne out of the house. I was with Gary. When I got back, she threw me out too. I had no way of knowing where Lynne had gone, so I just left. I'm sure Gary was pissed off. That's between them. I hope he killed the bitch." Zay pulled a pillow up under her head, looking truly tired for the first time. "Now that you know all this...I need you to promise me a couple of things."
"Oh...Kay... If I can." Buffy stood up and stretched.
"You can tell Willow...no one else. Repeating this story will put the ones you tell in danger. You've not dealt with anything like these people before. I guarantee that. They aren't vampires. Vampires are easy. I've killed a ton myself. These people are subtle. They'll attack you where you're weakest and do it in a way that will make it look like an accident. You and Willow are pretty strong. Some of these girls, slayers or not...they'd die." Zay's mood turned grave.
"I've dealt with a lot. You'd be surprised. What exactly is it you think is so special about these bastards?" Buffy appeared genuinely curious.
"They're just different. Be careful riding...they like car and bike wrecks lots. Before it all fell apart, Lynne came in one night shaking. Cass was at work. Lynne was coming to see me and a deer was standing on the side of the road. She was moving pretty fast so...it took a lot to stop. She didn't hit it dead on, but it was close enough that there was fur stuck in the fairing of her bike. She said the deer made eye contact with her, like it knew, and walked into the middle of the road."
"So, you thought it was them trying to kill Lynne?" Buffy appeared a little amused. "You do know that deer just sorta do stupid stuff like that. They're not very bright."
Zay gave the Slayer a serious glance in return. "I'm not joking, Buffy. This is what they do. I know it was them, trying to hurt me, from how Cass acted. Like I said, they're very subtle. If there's something sneaky they can do to make a problem disappear, they will. It's exactly what you pointed out that made it perfect."
"Oh...Kay... I believe ya. Seem convinced enough. I'll be careful. You do understand that they'd be sorta stupid to try. Not to sound all full of myself, but there's a lot of us." Buffy composed herself, considering that it might actually be true. That'd sure simple up that wet work thing. Force something stupid to do your bidding. I'll talk to Wills and see what she thinks.
"And there are a lot of them. Just be careful. You've likely brushed shoulders with them and are clueless. They hide well."
"So, what's the name of this new big bad?" A genuine interest covered the Slayers features.
Zay offered an apologetic smile. "I can't tell you. It'd just make it worse. They aren't new...think really, really old and you'd be closer."
"Well, I can't make ya, so...guess that's that. Good night, Zay." Buffy started for the door, turning for a final glance. I have enough details. If I really want 'em Wills can find 'em.
"Buffy, if you'll promise to be careful and make Willow do the same, then yes. I'll join you." Zay sat up to stretch her arms and wings, appraising Buffy again.
Buffy smiled warmly. Leaning against the doorframe, she replied, "Welcome home, Zay." I almost feel like I shoulda said, welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys. Funny, I think she'll fit in. Brushing a hair out of her eyes, she considered, mental note...warn Xander... She grinned with genuine mirth.
Zay returned the smile. "Good night, Buffy." She said, reaching over to turn out the light.